tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4079681358332005341.post8058688880470154345..comments2023-03-22T08:50:03.413-04:00Comments on Diary of a Scapegoat: Is it really just me?DisturbedAngelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18225187766715006090noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4079681358332005341.post-32417489573427467692011-07-12T10:51:19.314-04:002011-07-12T10:51:19.314-04:00@ Motherless Child - I don't know that I'd...@ Motherless Child - I don't know that I'd label my MIL as having full on NPD either but there's definitely something WAY off about her. Her over-attachment to her sons and their children is SICK, to say the least. I think it's less about feeding off of them though - at least where the grandchildren are concerned - than it is about attempting to re-create that period in her life when her sons were little. She has this sick obsession with being a mother and with both of us DIL's having boys, it's like MIL has gotten two replacement baby boys to have in place of her own two sons who have now grown up.<br /><br />I remember when ds was very little, MIL was always buying him the ugliest stuff that looked straight out of the 70's. She even used to call ds "(dh's name) junior" for a long time. It occurred to me early on that MIL was trying to re-create my dh as her baby in my ds. On a bit of a side note, heaven forbid anyone say the child looked anything like ME, his mother. Good grief. In those instances, both MIL and FIL would insist strongly, "Oh no! He looks JUST like (dh's name)!" Guess I was just the breeder/incubator for THEIR grandson! *eye roll*<br /><br />Ever since the new baby has come along though, MIL hasn't been over here ONCE to visit with ds. DS mentioned to me yesterday how he likes going over there to visit but he really wishes his nana could come to HIS house and visit like she used to. It was clear to me at least that while he likes the new baby, he misses that alone time with his nana. Apparently (and I gathered this through some skillful questioning), MIL is always going over to BIL and SIL's to be around the baby. It angers me as well as making me sad for ds. I mean, really. MIL can't even take some time when ds is visiting over there to spend with HIM and ONLY him?! Why the hell do I even bother sending him over there then?<br /><br />I talked with dh about it last night and told him flat out that I think his M's obsession with her grandchildren - the new baby in particular - is just plain ole SICK and unhealthy and that I thought it very sad and disturbing that she seems unwilling to pull herself away for just an hour or two to come visit ds here at his own house and give him some one-on-one time. Dh suggested when I speak to MIL today that I mention it to her that I spoke with ds yesterday and tell her what he said and suggest she try to come over here (WITHOUT the baby in tow) at least once a week. School will be starting in just a few more weeks and then it will be a non-issue as ds will be busy for the main part of the week. But, until then, it would be nice for MIL to show ds she still cares just as much for him by making the effort. Sadly, I'm not expecting it to go over well and fear that MIL is going to put up a huge fight. It's going to be like telling an addict they have a problem and suggesting rehab. There's going to be that panic in her which, again, is the whole problem.<br /><br />*sigh* I'll let you all know how it went after I speak with MIL.DisturbedAngelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18225187766715006090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4079681358332005341.post-6352422557983481342011-07-12T03:33:31.538-04:002011-07-12T03:33:31.538-04:00Yes, I think there is something a little off with ...Yes, I think there is something a little off with this woman. I have read a few posts about her and have thought to myself she seems a little enmeshed or something. Sounds like the kind of boundary crossing MIL the women on DWILs would love to rip apart. I don't trust her.<br /><br />Totally not saying your MIL is also a Narcissist (I don't like to throw that diagnosis around), but I have a little theory about my own mother's obsession with babies and small children. I believe children actually feed my mother's narcissism. It's sick, but as you know, babies love anybody who takes care of them. They are social creatures by nature and love to flirt. NMs feed off of this unconditional attention. I saw my mother do it with my step-sister's children. As soon as those kids hit the age of 5-6, it was as if they ceased to exist to her. I always wondered why my mother stopped all contact with the kids when they got older. I figured it out one Christmas, though, when she made the comment to me that she didn't know what to get L's kids because it seemed like they didn't like her anymore and didn't appreciate her gifts. Really?! A 5-year old doesn't appreciate your stupid Christmas gift and you get all butt-hurt about it?! I think what happened was the 5-year old got sooo many toys that year and only played with the favorites on Christmas day. NM's gift wasn't one of the favorites. Also, the age of 5-6 is about the time when kids start to have their own opinions about creepy people. And they start to voice their opinions. <br /><br />So, yes, some people have an obsessions with babies because they boost their self-esteem. Again, not saying your MIL is a Narcissist, maybe she just has low self-esteem. I definitely see a pride thing with her refusing help with the baby, too. Not wanting anybody to take away the one thing you are good at in life is also a symptom of low self-esteem. Like I said before, I don't trust that woman.Motherless Childhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09323676530139344159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4079681358332005341.post-39023748545624987732011-06-25T16:14:20.305-04:002011-06-25T16:14:20.305-04:00It isn't only you! My NM has done stuff like t...It isn't only you! My NM has done stuff like that. I figured that as long as she wasn't doing any actual harm, then it would be less traumatic for everyone, except for me biting my tongue, but that wasn't new. At this point, probably all you can do is keep your eyes open and pick your battles.Judyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07843239483061220089noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4079681358332005341.post-81581597210944194412011-06-24T01:08:06.937-04:002011-06-24T01:08:06.937-04:00DA, I am fascinated that I was just reading about ...DA, I am fascinated that I was just reading about this in one of my books on boundaries. The type of behavior shown by sons and relatives is Black/White or all-or-none thinking, a person is all good or all bad. It is a boundary issue to not recognize that there are many shades of gray. I have seen the behavior you are describing in my daughter's MIL. The MIL became very upset when I tried to do anything with their grandson. (The boy was my daughter's step son.) Any involvement on my part was viewed as a threat. It is not just you seeing that there is a problem. Unfortunately, pointing things out to others is neither popular or well received. I have learned that many times you just have to back off and allow things to progress. Good luck.Ruthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07083142637240943607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4079681358332005341.post-56262356669838816152011-06-23T18:29:04.087-04:002011-06-23T18:29:04.087-04:00hmm yeah, those things are a little off and wrong....hmm yeah, those things are a little off and wrong. i think this is a case of people who haven't faced their issues and one of those things where other people call it 'quirks' and 'personality' and just brush it over as 'how she is.' i dont think its cause your views are skewed by nfoo. those kinds of issues bother me. it is a form of abuse and/or selfish neglect.<br />it reminds me of how right now i'm living in a rented room in a house, and there's this lady and her daughter and her grandson that live here...and her other daughter came to visit with her little girl who's like 3. and at one point, the visiting daughter says to her little girl, i'm gonna fucking kick your ass! you little brat!<br />and it was just, i thought it was an odd thing to say to a 3 year old girl.<br />otherwise, i mean, she's a normal person.<br />i don't know what to call these things...<br />it's not narc. but it bothers me sometimes.<br />i call it just average complacency.<br />maybe at some point they'll grown and change, it's just happening very slowly.<br />i think you'll be okay and you'll be able to work something out.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com