Diary of a Scapegoat

It's NOT just me, right?

2012-02-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been MIA for so long. Things have been crazy busy around here lately what with having the house on the market. I've also had several orders for the hand-painted signs I do. While the money is definitely nice, it's very time consuming. Anyhoo, been having some issues with MIL again and wanted your opinion on the situation.

It's to the point I am seriously considering unfriending MIL on Facebook and going LC with her as her behavior - that is to say, her OBSESSION with DN(ephew) - is driving me nuts. She talks and acts like she is the child's MOTHER rather than his grandmother.

Exhibit A - MIL's current FB profile pic is a pic of the baby, as were her last couple pics.
Exhibit B - Multiple comments that, to me, seem as if they were written by the child's mother. For example...

1) Dh's cousin and her partner just had a baby right around the same time DN was born. Dh's cousin's status the other day read: "‎9 month photo shoot didn't go so well. It ended with (baby's name) peeing on the dog bed. Trying again this weekend." MIL commented, "I hope you are keeping a journal.Make a great gift for him later in life."

2) The same person posted "I kinda feel sorry for the dogs when (baby's name) is cruising about the house in his walker." later that same day in another status. MIL's response to that one was, "My feet have to move real fast when (DN's name) drives his around !!!!"

3) BIL and SIL's had a professional photographer take some family pics. This photographer recently had a contest which was carried out on FB and involved people having to vote for the pic they liked the best by commenting and/or liking said pic. The way MIL was promoting the pic of DN, you'd think it was SHE that would win if his pic was chosen. Every day there was no less than a dozen posts to "Don't forget to vote for (DN's name)!". Dh and I never had any pics of DS in any contests but, regardless, MIL has NEVER gone to such great lengths with DS' pics, nor has she EVER had one of his pics as her profile pic. (Though if she did ever, we'd ask her to take it down.)

Exhibit C - DS recently borrowed a digital picture frame from MIL. As he was excitedly showing us the frame and how it worked, all I was able to notice was that of the two dozen or so pictures on there, only TWO were of MY son and, even then, they were of DS HOLDING DN! Evidence of favoritism much?

On top of that, MIL has been making a HUGE deal out of being a grandma lately. There are multiple quotes daily about how wonderful it is to be a grandma and how "blessed" she is to have grandchildren, etc. Again, this huge a fuss was never made - especially so publicly - when DS was born. But now that DN is here, suddenly there are posts all over FB like the one that reads, "I used to think I was too old to fall in love again but then I became a grandma." Ugh, where is a vomit smiley when you need it?

It just seems wholly inappropriate to me. If MIL isn't acting like DN's mother than she's going on and on ad nauseum that she's SO happy to be a grandma, as if it's the first time she's had the honor when my DS has been in the picture for nearly 6 years now. There is definite and blatant favoritism for the new baby and my DS has begun to pick up on it.

I've had to deal with her favoritism for several years now ever since DSIL came into the picture. It's not that I exactly mind that MIL (every time I type that I add an N in there...coincidence? LOL) feels closer to SIL. After all, MIL and SIL are more alike. It's not that MIL is closer to SIL exactly, it's that it's done to the deliberate EXCLUSION of me. Like a few years back, MIL and FIL apparently decided they weren't going to do anything special for mine, dh's and the other adult children's bdays. At least that's what MIL told me when my birthday had came and went that year with zero acknowledgment from her. Which was fine......only when it came time for SIL and dh's bday, which falls on the same day, (and on BIL's bday as well) something WAS done. It was just ME who was left out. Okay, to be "fair", I DID get a brief acknowledgement on Facebook the following year but that was it. Dh and SIL (and I strongly suspected then and now that dh was included only because their bdays fell on the same day) got a dinner "party", cake and balloons and other stuff.

And now that the golden girl has given MIL another grandchild, MIL's favoritism is carrying over onto my son. Of course it doesn't help that MIL has free reign over BIL and SIL's baby in a way she never had with mine. *I* was DS' mother and I never let MIL forget it which clearly infuriated MIL to no end. To me, that was how it SHOULD be since, *I* was his mother that meant *I* should be the one taking care of him. MIL always seemed to have a problem with that and tried to step in and interfere whenever she saw an opportunity. Unfortunately for her, I was always quick to nip it in the bud or get dh to do something about it. But with DN, BIL and SIL are happy to hand him over every chance they get. Truly, I wonder why they went to such lengths (they had infertility issues and had to spend thousands of dollars on treatments to get pregnant) and spent so much money if they couldn't be bothered to raise the child and spend time with him. They both work full time so MIL keeps DN all day while they're at work. That part I have no issue with. But then when they are off work, MIL STILL generally has DN about 95% of the time because SIL has her church things or girls' nights out and BIL doesn't want to be saddled with watching the baby alone so he calls MIL and she walks over there to get the baby (BIL and SIL live right next door to my IL's) and keeps him for however long. Or BIL and SIL want to go shopping or go out and have MIL watch the baby. Or if SIL has to go out of town on business, which happens somewhat frequently, MIL actually either goes over there and spends the night to take care of the baby or brings him to her house until SIL is back from her trip.

As if that wasn't enough evidence of MIL's obsession with DN, this past Christmas, MIL spent the ENTIRE TIME we were there following DN around and fawning all over him while poor DS was mostly ignored. DN even got more/bigger presents from MIL. It was a disgusting spectacle to watch and I was extremely glad when it came time to leave. DS also seemed happy to leave, which was a change from crying because he didn't want to leave as he'd done in the past.

I've tried discussing things with dh and while he seems to be coming round the tiniest bit, for the most part he continues to insist that I'm seeing things that aren't there, that that's not the case and there is no favoritism or that's it's just my "past issues" clouding reality. Presently, I don't feel pushed to limit DS' time with them as he's been doing that himself. More often than not lately, when MIL calls to ask if he wants to come over, DS will say he doesn't want to go. MIL has tried to bribe him at times and DS still insists he doesn't want to go. Either that or I've noticed he'll go and then come home really early. In past years, I've gently pushed DS to go. NOT ANYMORE. Thankfully, dh at least agrees on that point with me and hasn't made any efforts to push DS to go when he doesn't want to. (If he did, I'd surely fight him on that.)

So what do you all think? Honestly, IS it just me? AM I over-reacting or is there a genuine cause for concern there? Do you see reason to unfriend MIL and go LC with her or would that also be over-reacting?

You know, I remember when DS was just born. MIL would buy DS these clothes that looked straight out of the 70's, which not so coincidentally was the time period dh was born in AND which looked a LOT like several of the outfits that I'd seen dh wearing in his baby pictures. That and other instances - like her complaining that she NEEDED time with my DS to "bond with him" - made me feel like MIL was trying to re-create her experiences with dh when he was a baby and relive her mothering days. She even took to calling DS "(dh's name) junior" for a time. (I quickly put a firm end to that crap.) She tried to set things up so she could pretend that DS was HER son and I didn't allow that to happen and now she's doing it with BIL and SIL's son only they seem perfectly happy to let her. That child spends SO much time with MIL and FIL that, mark my words, he WILL grow up to believe that THEY are his parents. Wouldn't surprise me if DN's first word was "mama" only he was talking about MIL instead of his actual mother!

Is it me or is this bitch (MIL) freaking crazy and obsessed?

Hello!

2011-12-29T14:10:00.000-05:00

Hope you all had a lovely holiday! We spent the day at my IL's. Not ideal but it was better (at least in some ways) than spending it home alone by ourselves. And since we certainly weren't about to go spend the day at NM's house.....

I'm still busy keeping the house clean while it's on the market as well as looking for homes for us to move into once this one sells. We've had a couple really good contenders but, so far, still haven't found that "perfect" house. We had thought we'd found "the one" but it turned out that the uneven floors couldn't be fixed which took it off our list. We're currently entertaining a two bedroom/two bath house but are waiting to hear if the owners are willing to take care of a very minor mold problem that we noticed when we went to look at it.

Things have continued to be okay with NM for the most part. There have been a couple minor comments, such as a couple weeks ago when she casually mentioned to me that NHS and NSJ "weren't ready to get back involved with you (meaning me) yet". As if to imply that *I* was somehow the one that hurt *them* or something that they should need more time before being willing to get back involved with me. *eyeroll* Whatever. I just laughed and told NM that that was FINE by me as I didn't want anything to do with either of them again at any point EVER!

The other issue I've had with NM is that she has begun to push to be able to take DS out on her own again. She asked me last week over the phone if I would be willing to "work with her" at her eventually being able to take DS out on her own. At the time I said yes. My line of thinking was that I was willing to give her another chance to prove I could trust her - which I fully realize is unlikely and may never happen - and that this would take a preliminary estimate of 6 to 12 months at which point we'd re-evaluate and see how things were going, how I felt, etc.

However, in NM's follow-up comments after I'd agreed to work on things with her, I get the distinct impression that she thinks she can just come over to my house two or three times a week for a few weeks and that she, DS and I will all go up to the corner store two or three times at which point I will magically be okay with her taking DS out on her own wherever and whenever she wants. So NOT going to happen.

To be honest, it's not DS' immediate safety I worry about. I do not fear that NM would allow him to wander off or leave him unsupervised or anything like that. It's NSJ. While I can respect that NM feels differently toward her dh than I do, the bottom line is that I do NOT trust her to honor my dh's and my wishes for our son not to have ANY contact whatsoever with NSJ. I don't even want NM to put NSJ on speaker phone and for NSJ to say hello to DS. NO CONTACT whatsoever - no phone calls, no cards/gifts/emails. Zip. Zero. Nada.

I've also made it very clear, as did my dh the last time we sat and talked with NM in our living room approximately two years ago, that we do NOT feel comfortable with DS going to NM's house under any circumstances. Despite that, NM kept making comments to the effect of, "Well if DS was at my house and NSJ called to say he was coming home early, I'd start packing him up and leave immediately. And if NSJ happened to show up unexpected or earlier than planned and asked who NSJ was, I would just tell him 'That's your grandpa. He did some stuff to your mommy when she was little that hurt your mommy really bad and that's why your mommy doesn't want you around your grandpa.'" I just said to NM, "ONE, that is too much adult stuff to put on a small child. TWO, we can circumvent the need for all that discussion IF DS ISN'T AT YOUR HOUSE!" The fact that NM keeps talking about DS coming to her house, even if she says that she knows it will never happen, tells me that she plans to get her way at some point.

I've decided that as soon as NM is back from her vacation in a day or two, I am going to sit down with her and tell her in no uncertain terms the following:

1) DS will NEVER be over at her house. He won't be there with dh and/or me and he most definitely would never be there without one of us present. Bottom line, there will never be ANY babysitting him at her house, no sleepovers, no "happy family" get-togethers at her house for holidays or birthdays, nothing. DS WILL NOT BE AT HER HOUSE AGAIN EVER.

2) It is entirely likely that I would NEVER feel comfortable with her taking DS out on her own as I simply DO NOT TRUST HER to respect and/or honor dh's and my wishes to not allow contact of any kind with NSJ. More to the point, I don't really see any need for her to take DS out on her own, especially to her home, so what would be the point in "working at it" to get there?

3) I do not desire at ANY point to EVER have contact of ANY kind with either NHS or NSJ again. I am not interested in meeting with them at some point to "talk things out", nor do I desire to hear about what they may or may not have said about me. This includes good or bad. The both of them are as good as dead to me and I do not desire any relationship of any kind with them now or at any point in the future. Period. End of story.

4) NM is welcome to visit DS here at my home provided she calls ahead of time to make sure it is okay and that we do not have other plans first.

If her motivation is as she claims and she just wants a relationship with myself and DS, then she will back off pushing me about taking DS out on her own and be content with what I'm willing to give her. That said, I do not anticipate that this discussion will go well which is why I plan to do it when DS is out of the house. However, I am hoping that NM will at least begrudgingly agree to do as I've asked.

And if she doesn't? Well, admittedly, I will be hurt and upset for a bit but I feel confident that I can handle whatever it is she throws my way. I just need to remind myself that I've already survived all they had to throw at me when I was just a defenseless child. Now, as an adult, I'm even stronger and more capable than before. (And of course I always have the option of going back to NC again should I choose!)

In other news, apparently my NHS and NBIL have plans to move back to our home state of Ohio after the first of the year. Supposedly NBIL has a friend who is willing to interview him and likely hire him. (Guess this "friend" doesn't know about NBIL's horrible employment history where he's never kept a job beyond a month or two.) According to my aunt N, quite coincidentally, this talk of moving to Ohio - as well as other talk about how horrible it apparently is where we currently live - began right around the same time that NM and I got back in touch and began trying to work on our relationship. It seems my sister dear can't handle the fact that I am back in the picture and that - according to aunt N and other extended FOO members - NM is much happier now that I'm back in her life.

I don't know whether to roll my eyes and gag at the pathetic-ness of the situation or laugh hysterically at how absurd it all is. To think that they would actually pull up and move away from friends and family all because of lil ole me? Are you serious??!! How dumb!

Their whole argument about (current state of residence) is that there are supposedly "too many minorities" here. Of course they used much more vulgar, racist terms but, you get the idea. Bottom line, NHS and NBIL are NEVER happy or content with ANYTHING. They have something negative to say about everything and I mean that most literally - truly, they find fault with everything and everyone. I've never met anyone more negative than the two of them.

The funniest thing of all - at least for me! - is that I know with 100% certainty that within just a few days, they will begin to complain about how "awful" it is up there and want to move back. If not within a few days than most certainly after enduring one of Ohio's freezing cold winters. Only, at that point, they will have sold their home here and be in far more debt than they are currently and they will have nowhere to go back TO. LOL Yep, funny stuff!

Well, I think that about does it for updates. Hope you're all doing well!

ARRRGGGHHH!! I'm freaking SURROUNDED by N's!!

2011-12-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

The N IL's strike again.

After having DS about 5 1/2 years ago, dh and I had decided that we were done having children. We didn't expect to want anymore at any point and we were content with that decision. Until recently.

Due to a recent - ahem - "incident", the possibility that I might be pregnant came to pass. Suddenly, dh and I began thinking, "What if?" and realized that maybe we weren't done having kids quite yet. The past week or so, we've done a lot of talking and thinking and have started to think that we may want to try for one more.

The "cons" for lack of a better word are:

1) Because dh's employer was kind enough to cut health coverage for me and ds a few years back, I no longer have maternity coverage. This would mean that we'd have to get Medicaid temporarily to cover my prenatal visits and care as well as to help us pay for the birth.

2) I am currently 35 (not that that is ancient by any means) but it does mean that I'm quickly approaching the end of my "window of opportunity" as I understand it. Yes, some women have babies later in life but I've always heard that the window begins to start closing at 35.

3) DS is currently 5 1/2. IF we were pregnant right now, that would mean that there would be a 6 year age difference between DS and the new baby which does cause us some concern.

4) There are a few more minor issues that worry me, like what if I have to have another c-section and am unable to provide the usual daily care for DS temporarily while I heal? Who will help us out? Dh can't take time off work, nor can he take DS to school every day for however long and then go back to pick him up after school. And since the bus system is horrible here - major bullying problems, etc. - him riding the bus isn't an option. It would help if I had any sort of family support here that I could count on but, obviously, I do not, so that is an issue.

Despite all the "cons" and our worries, dh and I have been feeling rather excited about the possibility and, in my excitement, I mentioned a few of my thoughts to MIL when she was here the other day. As crazy as MIL was when she found out we were expecting last time - and as obsessed and she has been with DS and my new nephew - I fully expected MIL would be over the moon with excitement at the prospect of having yet another addition to the family. Turns out, that was not the case at all.

MIL has this way of, instead of coming out and saying how she feels, wording things about how other people would probably feel or what she's heard from other people which is her way of saying that she doesn't agree with what you're saying. So MIL says that other people have always said you don't want more than 3 years difference in age between the two kids, blah blah, otherwise they might not get along, blah blah and that she just happened to agree with that line of thought. By the time she was through - and though it was in actuality probably only a few minutes that passed of her talking, it felt like much longer - I felt like an irresponsible idiot who was stupid for even considering having another baby given my advanced age, etc. I was very hurt and completely crushed. Whatever excitement I had before I talked to her was completely gone.

After a day of feeling down and doubting my decision to have another baby, I emailed my aunt N who - bless her - basically told me to screw my IL's and anyone else who didn't have anything supportive or kind to say! She said that 6 years difference didn't mean SQUAT provided that the arrival of a new baby didn't mean the exclusion of DS. So long as we included him in the process, DS would be just fine with the new baby. As for the financial aspects of the issue, aunt N said that there was no shame in having to go on assistance temporarily and that, after all, we'd been paying into it all these years hadn't we? So why not reap some of the benefits? It wasn't like we were taking advantage or exploiting the system like some people do. Rather, we were using it as it was intended to be used - for people with genuine need.

After speaking with my aunt N, I felt much better for a couple days. Then yesterday, I couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and bought a pregnancy test. It turned out it was negative but, while I was disappointed, I realized that didn't mean we couldn't still try so I was still excited to a point. Until yesterday evening.

I was soaking in the tub, relaxing, and dh came into the bathroom for a second and we started talking. At one point he mentioned that he wants to talk to his dad (FIL) about this whole issue. I said, "What for? Like his permission?" Dh said no, that he was looking for advice from his dad. I was like, "Advice about what?" and he said he just wanted to run things by his dad. I said something else and we went back and forth for a few minutes and then dhdh walked out of the room for some reason.

A bit later, we were in the living room - dh was watching tv while I worked on a sign I'm painting for a client - and we again began discussing the issue of dh talking with his dad about this topic. I finally said, "I still don't understand what it is you're looking for from your dad. Are you wanting his financial advice?" and dh responded, "No. I'm not 'looking for' anything." and then added, "I just want to ask him, am I being irresponsible financially by having this baby given our current finances and state of the economy, blah blah?" Despite all dh said, it certainly still sounds to me as if he is looking for something from his parents, specifically his father, be it validation, "permission" or whatever.

My feeling on the whole matter is, again, this is something that should be OUR decision and OURS alone. I know as surely as I know my own name, that MIL mentioned what I said to her a few days ago to FIL already and I can guarantee you that FIL will have much the same opinion as MIL did. My guess is that they both assume that, given our financial status, we will eventually look to them to foot the bill for the new baby but that is NOT the case. I don't need shit from my IL's, especially money-wise. And given their past behavior of holding things over our head and/or things coming with several strings attached, I'd rather live in a box and go on welfare permanently than to ask them for a single cent anyhow but, I digress.

At any rate, as I was saying before I got off on a bit of a tangent, I just know that FIL is going to say things he has no right saying to his son, about how HELL YEAH we'd be behaving irresponsibly by having another baby and about how that window of opportunity has "passed" for me/us and how he doesn't think it's a good idea. And I also know that, despite what dh may say about making up his own mind and his parents' opinions not having any effect on his decision, FIL negative speech WILL have an effect on dh's thoughts. Dh is already worried about how he'd provide for another person being that he is the sole provider. And, though he won't admit it, I know his pride also comes into play when he thinks about going on assistance even if only temporarily. Dh commented recently that, if we still had our old insurance with maternity coverage, he'd be 100% for it and ready to begin trying today. I think he very much wants another child but is scared about how he'll be able to provide for all of us. As a religious and resourceful woman, I know and trust it will all work out but dh is very logical minded - he's a man, after all - and isn't willing to trust on "it'll work out". Which I can understand in a way.

I'm just so sick of my IL's and the way they treat us like total idiots who are incapable of finding our way out of a paper bag. Dh and I have never been the type who do things impulsively. We think things through, especially when it's a big decision like whether or not to have another child. Despite our proving our capability to function and thrive on our own however, my IL's continue to treat us like stupid children, FIL especially. Furthermore, they know NOTHING of boundaries. There is no line that they view as being "uncrossable" because THEY are the parents and WE are the children and, as such, they have every right to steer us in the right direction or whatever. If dh and I were considering buying some uber-expensive luxury item, then I could see where FIL might have a right to say, "Umm...do you think that's wise given your current financial status?" But this is a BABY we're talking about. A baby that I will carry in MY womb for 9+ months and suffer through pregnancy and delivery with. A baby that WE will have the responsibility of protecting, nurturing, feeding and caring for, NOT MY IL'S!!! And, as such, I think they ought to BUTT THE FUCK OUT and keep their yaps shut if they don't have anything positive and/or supportive to say!

Honestly, sometimes they just piss me off so much! It's times like these when I wish we could just sell this house and move far, far away and start a whole new life free of stupid N family members. I get so sick of dealing with their rudeness and inappropriateness. Dh, being a (pretty much) "normie" just doesn't see it the way I do. He doesn't think his parents are perfect by any means and admits they have their faults. He just severely downplays those faults as being more of a mere nuisance than an actual problem. I, however, see more and more similarities between his P's and my NM as the time goes on.

One things for sure, I am done being all nicey nice with my IL's and trying to play happy family with them. From now on, I'll be civil, polite and respectful when I'm forced to be around them but I'll be damned if I'll extend myself beyond that. I'm through going above and beyond just to be crapped on and stabbed in the back and manipulated. To hell with them!

DA

AMAZING post over at "Emerging From Broken" blog...

2011-11-29T11:32:00.000-05:00

Happened upon an amazing blog post today about receiving bad advice and was blown away. Rarely have I come across someone who is able to put into words exactly what I've been feeling inside of me. Here's a snippet of the post:

People always told me things like “deal with it” and “get over it” and “put it behind you” They always seemed so impatient with me and even exasperated that I was still “there” and not over it.

Has anyone ever given you instructions on HOW to “deal with it”? Have you been giving information about HOW to get over it, that didn’t include statements to which you have to keep asking “how do I do that”? Just get over it. (HOW?) Just put it behind you. (HOW?) ~ “Give it to God”. (HOW?) To which the answer was “Have faith”. (HOW?) Well, you get the picture.

Further down in the post, the author writes, "The real message out there in the world is don't deal with it."

It's never occurred to me before but, as I thought about it, I realized that the author is right - having someone say to you, "Get over it already." or "It's in the past. Put it behind you and move on." IS essentially them saying to you, "DON'T deal with it or, at the very least, don't talk about it." This is because it holds a mirror up to them and forces them to see what they don't want to acknowledge. It interferes with their hard work to go on pretending everything is "hunky dorey" when the truth is anything but.

As I'm sure is the case for many of you, if I had a nickel for every time my N FOO has said to me, "Get over it already." or "It's in the past. Move on already.", I'd be a freaking millionaire. Being invalidated in that way is, to me, almost worse than the original abuse we were made to suffer. Not only did/do we apparently deserve what we got but now we're not even entitled to our feelings about it! Talk about a wounding to the soul.

I hope you all will head over to "Emerging From Broken" and check out her other posts. I'm telling ya, there's some GOOD stuff over there! ;o)

DA xx

Checking in...

2011-11-13T16:14:00.000-05:00

The stress around here has eased up just a lil bit now that the house is officially on the market. We had a couple delays getting it up for sale but, as of this Monday, the house is on the market. We had our first showing today. No word from the realtor yet but we're keeping our fingers crossed. The houses around here seem to sell pretty quickly so, we're hopeful!

NM continues to be on decent behavior. There have been a couple comments here and there to the tone of "I wish all the kids could be together at Christmas" or "It would be so nice if ds could play with the other kids here in my neighborhood". On both occasions, I was quick to say - politely but firmly - "Ain't gonna happen NM." To her credit, NM did not push. Instead she said, "I know. Just wishful thinking on my part." and added that she's trying to let go and accept what is but it's hard.

As for me, I seem to be having a better time of letting the few comments NM makes roll off my back and not get to me. I'm hoping that I can continue along this way but realize that I may slide a bit here and there. As always, I'm ready to stand my ground much more firmly when the time arises.

Found out from talking with NM that my NHS has been homeschooling her two kids this school year. This news was very upsetting to me. NHS' level of malignancy makes NM look like a harmless kitten, and that's putting it mildly. The one silver lining in the whole situation for me was that those two children were at least exposed to some normalcy for a few hours each week day while they attended the local public school. But now, they are subjected to NHS' particular brand of insanity 24/7 and it just makes me extremely sad and worried for their eventual well-being. Even dh agrees that NHS and NBIL's way of thinking is extremely cult-like. It's just a crappy situation all around.

My aunt N revealed that NHS - who has apparently been studying to be a medical assistant of all things (what is it with these malignant N's wanting to go into the health care field?) - recently failed her exam. The big thing was that she failed in correctly putting on a T.E.D. sock - talk about easy peasy - and (NHS) claims that, after the lady told her she'd gotten that part wrong, NHS was too "flustered" and couldn't concentrate and so THAT is why she failed almost the entire exam. As always, it is NEVER NHS' fault. (Never ceases to amaze me just how many excuses an N can come up with as a means of shirking responsibility.) Now, supposedly, NHS is whining all over Facebook about how she can't retake the exam any time soon because they "can't afford the fee". Aunt N believes, as do I, that the only reason NHS is whining about not having money on FB is because she's counting on certain relatives to send her money and bail her out yet again. As I understand it, this is a weekly/monthly occurrence with NHS whining about not having money and either NHS' aunt (NSJ's sister) bailing them out or NSJ and NM sending NHS and NBIL money. Aunt N says that NSJ frequently takes money out of his retirement fund (which he and NM have already been quickly depleting to keep up with house payments, etc. lately) to send NHS cash. Yet I'M the irresponsible fuck up who needs to get off my lazy ass and get a job. Whatever!

The IL's have still been somewhat pissy and refuse to help out at all but dh and I haven't given them a second thought and have just been coming up with ways to do for ourselves. It's actually turned out kind of nice because it's brought dh and I closer and helped up be more resourceful. We're rather proud of what we've accomplished as of late. As for the IL's, we've just been keeping a bit of distance and leaving them to their crankiness. LOL

Still no word from NSM and NF which is just FINE by me. I'm curious as to whether or not we'll hear anything with Christmas coming up soon. They chose to ignore dh's and my anniversary in September as well as dh's birthday so it's possible we'll continue to hear nothing for Christmas. They may send ds something but, then again, they may choose to ignore him too. (Anything to get out of spending their precious money, don't you know.) Guess only time will tell, though I'm rather hoping the holiday passes without hearing from them. Who needs more of their over-the-top religious cards filled with intended guilt-trips like "We miss you."? Bah-humbug!

Hope you are all doing well. I'm hoping to be able to post more now that the house is on the market and I have a bit more time so, with luck, hopefully I'll have something more to post soon!

Warmly,

DA xoxo

What the hell?? Freaking out a bit...

2011-11-01T12:56:00.000-04:00

Got this in my email inbox earlier today:

Blogger has been notified, according to the terms of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), that certain content in your blog is alleged to infringe upon the copyrights of others. As a result, we have reset the post(s) to \"draft\" status. (If we did not do so, we would be subject to a claim of copyright infringement, regardless of its merits. The URL(s) of the allegedly infringing post(s) may be found at the end of this message.) This means your post - and any images, links or other content - is not gone. You may edit the post to remove the offending content and republish, at which point the post in question will be visible to your readers again.

A bit of background: the DMCA is a United States copyright law that provides guidelines for online service provider liability in case of copyright infringement. If you believe you have the rights to post the content at issue here, you can file a counter-claim. For more information on our DMCA policy, including how to file a counter-claim, please see http://www.google.com/dmca.html.

The notice that we received, with any personally identifying information removed, will be posted online by a service called Chilling Effects at http://www.chillingeffects.org
. We do this in accordance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). You can search for the DMCA notice associated with the removal of your content by going to the Chilling Effects search page at http://www.chillingeffects.org/search.cgi, and entering in the URL of the blog post that was removed.

If it is brought to our attention that you have republished the post without removing the content/link in question, then we will delete your post and count it as a violation on your account. Repeated violations to our Terms of Service may result in further remedial action taken against your Blogger account including deleting your blog and/or terminating your account. If you have legal questions about this notification, you should retain your own legal counsel.

Sincerely,

The Blogger Team

The post they are referring to was a post titled "What Makes A Relationship Healthy?" that I had posted on here a little over a year ago now. There are a couple things that don't sit right with me:

1.) I don't feel I did anything wrong, or at least nothing I haven't seen dozens of other blog writers do a bunch of times. I quoted a few snippets from an online article - only what I needed to get my point across - and made sure to give full credit to the author/source, including giving a link to the article online for those who wished to read the full article. As a "small potatoes" blog writer, you wouldn't think anyone would care about the couple dozen people reading the quoted snippets, particularly since I'm hardly getting any money from the post.

2.) I find it rather hard to believe that the original author/source of the online article just happened to stumble upon my puny blog and take such great offense at the few snippets I quoted.

It seems far MORE likely to me that someone - for some reason I feel in my gut this was NHS - filed the report either to cause trouble for me or because they didn't like what I'd said about them in the article.

According to Blogger, only someone with rights to the content can file a DMCA report but how exactly do they go about this? Does this mean that Blogger takes the time to investigate EVERY SINGLE REPORT filed to make sure the person making the accusation has the right to do so? Nothing against Blogger - they may well do just that - but I'm thinking it much more likely that they just ask, "Do you have ownership of this content and/or the right to claim it?" and if that person says, "Yep." that's good enough and considered "proof".

I clicked on the links provided to me but haven't been able to find anything at all regarding the claim, most important, who the hell filed it. Everything so far has come up "No Match Found", which is another thing I find curious.

I decided to delete the "used-to-be-post-now-draft" so as not to get into any further trouble. I kind of wish I hadn't done that now as it might be useful to be able to go back and re-read the post but, at the time, I saw no way to edit it in order to comply with the DMCA complaint and was afraid that, even saved as a draft, it might somehow show up on my blog and get me into more trouble.

What really freaks me out is that, according to what I've read online - what little I've been able to understand - the fact that this DMCA report was filed against me now means I have a "strike" against me. This "strike" is permanent and will now follow me everywhere I go online.

I'm so angry about this! If someone on here was upset by something, why didn't they just contact me via email like a mature adult and give me the chance to remove or edit the content first before taking (what I see as) such extreme measures and filing a DMCA report against me?

I tell you, if I find out that NHS or anyone else in my NFOO - if I had to bet money, it'd be on NHS and/or NBIL as I KNOW they were the ones who reported me to Facebook about two years ago and got me banned for supposed "harassment" (for daring to say "hi" to NBIL's sister) - I am going to get a lawyer and sue the ever-loving SHIT out of them until they have NOTHING left, mark my word.

The Power of Words...

2011-10-11T13:32:00.000-04:00

Am still SUPER busy right now painting, packing, cleaning, etc. but I wanted to take the time to let you all know about an amazing post I read earlier over at One Angry Daughter about the power of our words and their potential effects on other people. Head on over and check it out. I think you all will appreciate it as much as I did.

DA xx

Just wanted to let you all know...

2011-10-04T09:13:00.000-04:00

We are in the process of trying to ready our house for sale so we can put it on the market as soon as possible. This is in large part due to financial reasons (mainly due to dh's employer who, in the past three years, have cut out insurance coverage, cut overtime AND haven't given dh a raise in over five years, meanwhile the cost of living has continued to go up) but also because we feel it's just time to move on from this house. We've found a lovely older home the next town over that is exactly what we've always wanted and are really hoping we can get it. At any rate, as I will be super busy for the next couple months, I don't know how many posts I'll be able to make and I just wanted to let you all know that I haven't forgotten about you!

Aside from trying to spruce up the house and declutter and pack, things are going pretty well at the moment. NM has actually been pretty nice and, dare I say, supportive lately. I contacted my aunt N thinking surely she must have said something to NM that had an effect on NM's behavior. Imagine my surprise to find that aunt N hadn't spoke with NM in a while, nor had my GM or anyone else. Maybe NM decided to try a new tactic?

No worries. I'm not going to just jump back into a relationship with NM because she's being nice all of a sudden. I've heard enough horror stories to know that it won't last, and/or may be just another trick. But it IS nice to have a break from the criticism and negativity for a bit.

In case anyone's wondering, I had sent NM an email a couple weeks ago saying that I needed some space right now to focus on myself. To be honest, I had expected NM to respond very critically and just go quickly downhill from there. It was nice to have NM respond with what amounted to, "Whatever you need. When you're ready to contact me again, you know where to find me." NM HAS had a few rare moments where she acts like a normal, loving mother. Like the time I was passing that kidney stone and in so much pain. NM was so nice and supportive to me those two days. It felt wonderful. Though, when it was over, it hurt to lose that brief moment of what I'd been dreaming about most of my life. At any rate, perhaps this is one of those rare moments.

I'll still check in regularly to approve any comments made and will post if/when anything happens worth posting about. Take care!

Until then,

Had to share...

2011-09-27T11:15:00.000-04:00

Am currently reading the book "HOMECOMING: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" by John Bradshaw. I'm about a quarter of the way through so far and, I have to say, this is turning out to be a REALLY good book.

I came upon a poem last night as I was reading that blew me away. Never before have I come across something that so accurately puts into words all that goes on in the mind and spirit of those of us who've grown up in an abusive, dysfunctional family. To me, it was like someone had looked into my soul and expressed in words what they found there. Anyways, I wanted to share it here with all of you now.

**NOTE: Some may find the poem triggering. Also, be aware that the poem contains some very offensive language in a couple parts.**

My Name Is Toxic Shame

I was there at your conception

In the epinephrine of your mother's shame

You felt me in the fluid of your mother's womb

I came upon you before you could speak

Before you understood

Before you had any way of knowing

I came upon you when you were learning to walk

When you were unprotected and exposed

When you were vulnerable and needy

Before you had any boundaries

I came upon you when you were magical

Before you could know I was there

I severed your soul

I pierced you to the core

I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective

I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt,

worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness

I made you feel different

I told you there was something wrong with you

I soiled your Godlikeness

I existed before conscience

Before guilt

Before morality

I am the master emotion

I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation

I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any

mental preparation

I live in secrecy

In the deep moist banks of darkness

depression and despair

Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through

the back door

Uninvited unwanted

The first to arrive

I was there at the beginning of time

With Father Adam, Mother Eve

Brother Cain

I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse

neglect -- perfectionistic systems

I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage

The cruel remarks of siblings

The jeering humiliation of other children

The awkward reflection in the mirrors

The touch that feels icky and frightening

The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust

I am intensified by

A racist, sexist culture

The righteous condemnation of religious bigots

The fears and pressures of schooling

The hypocrisy of politicians

The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional

family systems

I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black person,

a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into

A bitch, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink,

a selfish little bastard

I bring a pain that is chronic

A pain that will not go away

I am the hunter that stalks you night and day

Every day everywhere

I have no boundaries

You try to hide from me

But you cannot

Because I live inside of you

I make you feel hopeless

Like there is no way out

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others

through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame,

envy, judgment, power and rage.

My pain is so intense

You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment,

and unconscious ego defenses.

My pain is so intense

That you must numb out and no longer feel me.

I convinced you that I am gone -- that I do not exist -- you

experience absence and emptiness.

I am the core of co-dependency

I am spiritual bankruptcy

The logic of absurdity

The repetition compulsion

I am crime, violence, incest, rape

I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions

I am insatiability and lust

I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner's Flying Dutchman,

Dostoyevski's underground man, Kierkegaard's seducer, Goethe's

Faust

I twist who you are into what you do and have

I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME.

Strange thing happened the other night...

2011-09-26T14:26:00.000-04:00

During yet another night of horrible, nightmare-laden sleep, I woke up and - for whatever reason - a memory popped into my head. I think I've mentioned it on here before somewhere but, for those new here (and for those who don't want to have to sort through all the existing posts to find it!), I'll tell the story again.

**NOTE: This will contain some offensive words as well as some details that some may find triggering. Please, consider yourself forewarned before you proceed.**

I was in my senior year of high school at the time so that would make me 16 years old. Like most of my friends at the time, I was really into the whole hip hop/rap/pop type music that was popular. NHS and I were listening to some of our cd's as we got ready for school like we often did. As I was on my way to the back bathroom to finish getting ready, I passed by the hall bath which was NSJ's bathroom. He yelled at me to "turn that nigger shit off". I immediately turned to comply and said - quite politely, I felt - that all he had to do was ask as well as making a comment that everyone had their own preference of what they liked and NHS and I happened to like that kind of music. I wasn't rude or being a smart-ass, just making a factual statement.

I turned the music way down and then proceeded toward the back bathroom again, thinking the issue was settled. I had no sooner begun to wet my hair in the tub when I felt my head being yanked back forcefully by my hair. My head was yanked back so quickly that my skull cracked on the faucet. Despite the water clouding my vision, I could see it was NSJ though, if there'd been any doubt, this screaming in rage at me would have made it instantly clear who my attacker was.

NSJ screamed curses and insults at me, calling me a "bitch" and the "c" word (rhymes with "runt") as well as a "nigger lover" and how DARE I insult him and be a smart ass little bitch, etc. As he screamed at me, he would pick me up, slap me hard across the face, shake me, throw me to the floor and kick me in my rib area. The entire thing was like a dream sequence in slow motion. I just couldn't believe it was happening.

I remember looking up at one point to see my NHS standing there in the adjoining room's doorway, just staring blankly at what was going on between her father and I.

As quickly as the attack had begun, it was over and NSJ went back to his bathroom and finished getting ready for work. Terrified and confused, I remained in the back bathroom until I was sure NSJ had left and then I hurriedly finished getting ready and ran out to the bus stop to go to school. After I got to school, I remember going to the bathroom and looking at my side and finding bruises all up and down my right side. Despite the hard slaps to my face and other parts of my body, the bruises on my side were the only marks left on me.

At one point in the day, I can't remember what prompted it but I showed the bruises to a couple of my closest friends. Years later, I would be very glad I did.

When I got home from school that day, I attempted to tell NM what had happened though, looking back, I don't see how she couldn't have heard or witnessed it for herself. The house was small and noise carried well due to the plaster walls so I find it very hard to believe NM heard and saw nothing. When I'd finished telling NM my story, she looked at me blank-faced and said coldly, "I have no idea where you got those bruises, probably did it to yourself for attention, but I DO know that NSJ didn't do it." Ever NM's little sidekick, NHS claimed she hadn't seen a thing and that I was lying which only served to further the belief in NM's mind that NSJ wasn't at fault.

I remember thinking at the time very distinctly that I couldn't count on my NM or NHS and I was all alone in life. I also felt extremely hurt and betrayed by both NM and NHS, all the more since I'd often come to their defense and done what I could to protect them when they'd been the target of NSJ's rages. This was especially true of NM since NHS rarely got in trouble with NSJ.

For years later - and it continues to this day were I to bring it up - NM and NHS insist that the event never happened, that I'm making it up and it's just evidence of my mental issues, etc. It got to the point that I began to believe maybe I really was crazy and had made it up. Then, a year or so ago, I got back in contact with an old friend from high school who just happened to be one of the friends I'd shown the bruises to that horrible day. I asked her if she remembered anything like that happening and apologized for the uncomfortable discussion and was extremely elated to see her respond that yes, she remembered it well and how worried she and her then boyfriend ( as well as the other couple girls there that day) were about me. At that point, I just cried and cried and cried. I was so relieved to have it confirmed that I hadn't imagined it, it had happened and I wasn't lying.

So anyways, I'm lying awake in bed at about 3 or 4am the other night and this memory of this event pops into my mind. As I'm remembering it, a voice in my head startled me by saying, "It never happened." Immediately, another voice spoke up and said, "Yes it did. Remember your friend on Facebook who said she remembered seeing the bruises?"

The strangest part of the whole memory is that while I remember fairly clearly what went on that day, it's like it didn't happen to me. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, put myself back in that day and relive it in my mind. It's kind of like having a memory but having no memory of the event, if that makes any sense. It's just very, very strange. My best guess is that my mind is trying to protect itself from fully remembering at this point and that, when it's safe to fully remember, I will.

I think of the teenage me and all that I was forced to suffer and endure - especially this day which is the worst physical beating I ever got from NSJ - and I am just so damned angry. More than just angry, I feel rage. I want to take a baseball bat and beat the ever-loving shit out of NSJ. Let him know what it feels like. And yet....the saddest thing of all is that he DOES know what it feels like because his father used to beat the crap out of him daily when he was a young boy. I just cannot fathom for the life of me doing to my child (or in NSJ's case, my step-child) what was done to me, to continue the cycle of abuse. It's bad enough to do it at all but to do it when you know that kind of pain intimately yourself just makes it so much worse in my mind.

I thank God that my ds will never know that pain. That he'll never know what it's like to be demeaned or beaten or made to feel less than human. To feel unloved and worthless and like a burden. To have his spirit crushed. I thank God for giving me the strength and courage to fight and keep on fighting to heal my own issues so that I can be a better mother to my son.

Feeling hurt and betrayed yet again...

2011-09-26T10:03:00.000-04:00

Was talking with my aunt N yesterday via email and inquired if my GM was okay. I was mildly concerned as I hadn't heard from her in quite some time and she would usually email me every couple weeks or so. I'd seen her on FB here and there so I knew she was still alive and well. I just wondered why I hadn't heard from her. The last time we'd chatted via email was back when I'd first received my diagnosis of PTSD. I'd emailed her to say hello and casually mentioned near the end of the email about the new diagnosis and jokingly said that obviously things weren't quite so rosy growing up as NM and NHS would like everyone to think. When I didn't hear anything in response from my GM, I figured she was pissed that I'd made the comment about NM and was going to give me the silent treatment temporarily or whatever. (Though with GM it's always less of an intentional silent treatment than it is that she withdraws rather than just come out and say some one's upset her.)

So while chatting with my aunt N back and forth yesterday via email, I inquired how GM was doing, if aunt N had heard from her, etc. and mentioned my suspicions that GM might be upset regarding the PTSD comments. Aunt N responded that GM apparently feels I'm lying about having PTSD because, in her words, it's "just not possible" given that "only men in war zones get that". Aunt N, ever ready to defend me, told GM that wasn't true and that perhaps GM should google PTSD and she'd find out that anyone who's suffered a major trauma can get it.

Apparently there was some talk after that with aunt N telling GM that she does NM no good service by constantly enabling her, GM worrying that she was a "bad mother" because NM turned out the way she did, aunt N reassuring GM that she did the best she could and was a good mother and that NM's problems are either a result of her own choices and actions and/or just fate that she has the issues she does. GM grew increasingly frustrated (as she doesn't like anyone saying anything wrong about NM) and finally said, with regards to me, that "some people just need to get over it already and put it in the past where it belongs", or something along those lines.

When aunt N continued to stand up for me and place the blame on NM, GM defended NM by saying that NM was very sick and almost died as a child, blah blah. (Poor NM. Let's never hold her responsible for her bad behavior because she almost died as a child and therefore deserves a lifetime get out of responsibility free card. *rolling eyes*) Aunt N, ever quick on her toes, then said to GM, "So which is it mom? Does stuff that happens as a child affect the person as an adult or doesn't it? Why should it be a valid excuse for (NM's name) but not for DA?" At that point GM grumbled under her breath but agreed to butt out and not badmouth me with NM. I don't believe for a second she'll adhere to that promise but, whatever.

I'm torn in how I feel about finding this out. On the one hand, I'm really, really angry. Why in the hell is it always so easy to find fault with ME while everyone else seems to get a free pass? On the other hand, it hurts to once again be the fall guy and be accused of lying. Like I'm just some hateful little spoiled brat who gets her jollies out of badmouthing my poor, innocent "almost died as a child" mother. Like admitting to having mental/emotional issues is easy or fun or something to brag about. Are they kidding me??

And, honestly, the next person who says to me, "Just put it out of your mind and get over it already." is going to get a punch in the face. Seriously. I am beyond sick of this worthless "advice". Honestly, if it was that freaking easy, do they not think I'd have DONE that by now? Yes, like I just ENJOY living like this every day. Like I enjoy missing out on family events with my dh and ds because of my agoraphobia. Like I enjoy having to tell my son all the time, "No. I'm sorry baby but mommy can't go to the park today because her tummy hurts." Do they honestly believe I LIKE to live in this hell every day of my life??!! And, if not, then how DARE they just dismiss me by telling me to just "get over it already"!

I'm so sick of being this family's scapegoat.

Another amazing post from my DoNM sister....

2011-09-23T08:18:00.000-04:00

This time she writes:

So, the big aha moment for me is realising this whole journey and experience is about love.

The betrayal by NM and others is their refusal or inability to love us and also to receive our love. When they reject our love it is a rejection of our self and that is all we are and all we have. No wonder it hurts so much. Our core is wounded by the rejection and refusal.

The abuse we experienced was an abuse of our love and support. What a betrayal!

NMs fail in their duty as mothers and parents and their manipulations and projections are designed to hide this truth from us and others and maintain control of our emotions so they can continue to drain the love (LIFE) out of us. They are willing to sacrifice us to save themselves.

Our struggle with the idea of NC is that it means we have to make a decision to withold/stop giving and showing our love to them and this feels wrong to a healthy loving adult. We know subconsciously that we are being forced to respond in a way that is not in line with our integrity or wish to give and receive love. Nevertheless it is a decision we are compelled to make unless we ultimately decide to continue to sacrifice our lives to "save" them. The vampiric mother is draining our love which is our life blood and this weakens us.

To remain in contact with an NM means you will be drained of love. Even if you have your own sources of healthy love such as a loving partner, family of your own and friends you will forced to use that love energy to feed the insatiable appetite of the NM instead of using it to support yourself and to build reserves for lifes struggles!

Until I started recovery I had struggled all my life in relationships continually choosing people who are either unwilling or unable to give love. Some even faked it enough to reel me and then start the abuse. Sometimes those people used love as a bait and then a weapon. I took it on as some kind of challenge thinking if I can win their love I will find the missing key that will unlock the love from NM.

This also extended to choosing careers that I didnt love and had to struggle to fight my real feelings to be successful. No wonder I became drained and exhausted.

How do you know what to look for when you dont know what love feels like and only have an unhealthy (internal) model of love to compare it with?:

I was betraying myself. I was not shown love by NM and therefore, had no internal model for how to love myself. I only knew how to neglect, ignore, discount, undermine and abuse myself. That is the real reason I have attracted negative people and situations where I struggled into my life.

The more I experienced rejection of love and betrayal the more I turned away from love and the fear of wanting it and reaching out for it grew. What a muddle! Do I reach for the carrot and risk getting whacked by the stick? Or do I pretend I dont like carrots?

To live without the love of humans is excruciating. Thank heavens I have experienced unconditional love from my pets because at least I know what it feels like.

Love is a choice and having denied myself opportunities for real and healthy and lasting love I want to ensure I do not waste the rest of my life. How sad that it has taken 50 years! No wonder so much of my recovery has been grief work - mourning all the losses!

I choose to love myself in a healthy non Narc way and I will not give up the notion that there are people out there who will love me for who I am and not what they want me to be/do. Instead of searching desperately for loving people I will relax and let them find me. Just as my recovery lead to me this forum and a wonderful and precious group of ladies who really do feel like family to me.

Finding this information has been like exorcising ghosts from my house. I feel like a dark cloud has been lifted and that my life really will be different from now on.

I hope in sharing my findings and thoughts other DOMNs will experience moments of revelation that will truly set them free from the torment of having an NM.

Continuous betrayal makes a relationship with NM impossible...

2011-09-22T17:24:00.001-04:00

This was recently posted by one of my sisters on the DoNM board and I found it very profound and asked her if I could share it here with all of you. She said I could so...here it is!

A thought just occured to me...

As DOMNs we have experienced an ongoing pattern of betrayal and this makes it impossible to have a relationshp with an NM. Our trust is continually betrayed and there is no mutuality or shared responsibility or admission of mistakes.

In childhood we needed predictability in the care we received and NMs and FOO proved over and over that they could not be trusted. As children we blamed ourselves to create some sense of safety but it is like living a lie. The emperor was naked, if it sqawks like a duck and walks like a duck then it must be a duck. They are not ugly ducklings waiting to emerge as a swan.

They showed us time and again who they really were/are and we had to deny reality to survive. As adults we have a choice. I no longer want to fool myself that she can be trusted or that it is possible to have a relationship with her or any FOO.

It set the tone for relationships as we emerged into adulthood and shaped our view of ourselves and the world as being unpredictable and unreliable.

Is it any wonder we experience such torment when we lived for years under an oppressive dictatorship?
It's time to free ourselves from the lies and pull back the curtain to reveal the true ugliness of their characters. We must stop covering their crimes and abuse otherwise we continue to condone their treatment of us and others. It has to stop. We have to start reflecting back the truth to them and stop distorting the mirror. We are the only ones harmed by acceptance of such abuse.

She also made a follow up post which reads:

The core wound is really that they taught us to betray ourselves by denying the truth!

Talk about compromising my integrity and quality of my relationships and life!

No wonder I felt so uneasy in the presence of NM and the others who I knew in my heart were untrustworthy but who I believed were important to be in contact with because of a fear of being abandoned.

I think I may have reached the centre of my earth in terms of healing and recovery. I can finally name the core wound that created all the other hurts. I can name it, shame it, allocate it, see the impact of it, be disgusted by it, appreciate the how and why I kept creating similar situations that lead to betrayal and finally set myself free from the long shadow and devastation it has caused in my life. Any remaining guilt or shame resulting from decision to go NC with NM and FOO has melted away as I can stand in power and reclaim my life energy from the depths of evil.

I hope this helps you all as much as it helped me to read it earlier today.

Hugs,

DA xx

In remembrance...

2011-09-11T10:57:00.000-04:00

In remembrance of all those affected by the tragedy of 9/11/01.
God Bless America!

Been a crazy week so far...

2011-09-08T14:04:00.000-04:00

It started off good. Monday was of course a holiday which meant that dh and ds were out of work and school, so we spent the day at home, lounging around and just having some great family time.

Tuesday, I started a new babysitting job and so began my troubles. The child was a 2 1/2 year old little boy who I'll call "P". P is the son of a younger gal dh works with. Dh works alongside her dad which is how he knows of her. Apparently the gal is going through a nasty divorce and having some bad financial problems at the moment. Being the nice person I am, I agreed to help her out and babysit for the very low price of only $85 a week.

So, Tuesday morning at 7am, this gal shows up with P. P was pretty good considering it was his first time in a new place with a strange lady to babysit him.....at least for the first hour and a half. After that, it was like the demon switch when on and everything rapidly went downhill from there. Now, I know that 2 1/2 year old, by nature, aren't going to be the best behaved because they are, after all, still babies and learning but it was VERY clear to me that this kid has ZERO discipline at home. When his cartoon he'd been watching went off and I pulled up the on screen guide to see what was on next, he began screaming at the top of his lungs, "NO! NO! Me no want that!" until I turned the guide back off. The way our cable works, several channels have a "start over" feature that will automatically pop up five minutes after the show starts. Every time THAT would show on the screen, again P would start with the screaming.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the kid hits, bites, kicks and just all around generally behaves horribly, particularly come time to change his diaper. Considering the kid isn't potty trained AT ALL (despite the fact that ds was a late bloomer in this area, even he was at least partially potty trained by this point) that meant changing a LOT of diapers. At one point, I was changing a "#2" diaper and, of course, the kid is screaming that he wants up and thrashing all over the place. During one particularly wild thrash, the poop laden diaper started to flip and, instinctively, I threw my hand down to stop it. The diaper WAS folded over at that point so my hand WOULD have touched only diaper, not poop. Unfortunately, P's thrashing movements also caused the diaper to unroll so, yes, my hand landed smack dab in the poop. It was at this point that I am sad to say I lost it a bit and threatened to give him a spanking if he didn't stop screaming and HOLD STILL. I think he must have been shocked that I stood up to him because he actually stopped screaming and thrashing around long enough for me to finish cleaning him up and redress him.

But wait, there's more! The kid had chronic gas. Every few minutes, I swear, this kid was farting. You couldn't get within 10 feet of him without it smelling like he'd crapped himself. And EVERYTHING seemed to go into his mouth. The second he left for the day, I frantically soaked all the toys I could in a water/bleach solution and used Clorox wipes on everything else. Suffice it to say, come pick up time at 5:30pm that day, I was not only exhausted but VERY happy to see P going home! (It was also VERY apparent that three times the amount of $85 I was getting per week to watch this kid wasn't near enough for all I had to put up with.)

Forward to Wednesday morning - yesterday. I woke up feeling sick because I so badly did NOT want to have to watch P again. EVER. I seriously contemplated calling and telling his mother right then and there that unless she upped my fee to $200 a week, she needn't bring him back. I was that fed up. But, I put on my big girl panties (because we SO need the extra money right now) and sucked it up. 7am, P was back and so began another day of babysitting hell.

As the previous day, P was well behaved for the first hour and a half or so. He rode fine in the car to drop ds off at school. On Tuesday, I had had to carry P with me as I walked ds into school. Yesterday however, we were a couple minutes behind (because P HAD to take some stuff with him in the car, it was that or endure another of his screaming tantrums and I already had a slight headache at that point) and wound up getting stuck behind the buses in the drop off lane. Because I couldn't move the car and because I couldn't park it there due to it being the bus/drop off lane, ds had to walk into school for the first time all alone. I hugged him goodbye and told him to have a good day and I'd see him at 3pm but I was barely back in the car before I lost it. I just began sobbing. I wasn't quite sure what all that was about at first, I guessed it was just the stress of having to keep P again and not being able to be there for ds like I wanted to. Last night in therapy, my T pointed out that she thought perhaps I was crying for little DA since my NM never walked me into school when I was growing up and I was reliving that pain. Seemed to make sense.

Anyway, we got to be on our way just a few minutes later but I continued to cry and sob the entire way home and for about an hour afterward and then several times off and on throughout the next few hours. I was finally starting to calm down when P took an entire bin of small toys and dumped in on the floor quite aggressively. (Which is another thing about the kid, he was SO aggressive with his play, always trying to force this thing into here or throwing stuff hard, hitting it, etc.) I told him firmly but nicely to please pick that stuff up and put it back into the bin. Of course, P said, "NO! P no want pick up stuff!" (Another oddity - he was always referring to himself in the third person, "P no like this!", "P want that!", etc.) I pushed him and said, "P, you need to pick that stuff up please." and of course he continue to scream he didn't want to. After a couple minutes of me getting a bit firmer and him continuing to fight me, he actually grabbed a play teapot and threw it at me! Nailed me in the head which made my already borderline migraine launch into a full blown migraine. At that point, I was DONE.

I called up P's mom at work and told her I wasn't feeling good, that I had a horrible migraine that was making me extremely nauseous (which wasn't entirely untrue at that point) and told her she had to come get him please. She asked if she could wait another 20 minutes until her lunch break and I said fine, against my better judgement. She also told me to go ahead and pack up all of P's stuff that she'd brought over for him (she'd brought over an entire case of diapers and wipes along with a huge supply of food because, in her own words, she "can't be bothered dragging that stuff all over the place all the time") because she was going to put him back with his previous sitter. Had I not wanted to be rid of the kid and his tantrums and other awful behavior so badly, I'd have been pissed. As it was, I was thanking my lucky stars that he wasn't my problem anymore!

His mom showed up to collect P and his crap. I apologized (trying to be the bigger person) for having had to call her at work and that it obviously hadn't worked out having P here at my house) to which she replied it was no big deal and that there were no hard feelings or anything and said she'd give my money to dh by next Monday or Tuesday at the latest. I said that would be fine and off they went.

Forward to today. Dh calls and says that the gal paid him the money she owed me.............well, supposedly. She gave dh $20 for 16 hours worth of babysitting work on my part, not to mention the absolute hell I had to put up with, though neither of us mentioned that. It was bad enough when she was wanting to pay me a piddly $2/hour (when, as I understand it, the going rate starts at $5 per hour for babysitting duties) to watch her kid but this was just downright insulting. She paid me barely over $1 per hour!!!!

Dh was, understandably, livid on my behalf but said he's going to let it slide ONLY because he is friends with her father and has to work with him as well as the girl and doesn't want any issues at work right now. If it wasn't for the fact that dh works with her, I'd be giving the bitch a major piece of my mind, I tell you what! To add insult to injury, she had comments all over Facebook yesterday and today about how she had such a bad day yesterday and how she and P are both SO happy that he's once again back with his old sitter. I do the girl a major favor, take her kid into my home on short notice (one day's notice, to be exact), put up with his horrid behavior which included both me and my ds being hit by this kid, went out of my way to get ds' old carseat to put in my car so that he could be safe (his M said to just put him in a regular seatbelt with no carseat!) AND agreed to do it all for a piddly $85 a week and THIS is how she repays my kindness??! Well FUCK HER. She'd better NEVER ask me or dh for another favor ever.

On a happier note, I had an awesome therapy session last night. Dh went with me on this one as he had some questions about how to be supportive and what else he should be doing to help me, if anything. For the first time, I broke down and cried at a couple points which resulted in touching on some really deep issues. I'm not exactly sure WHAT we accomplished but I feel strongly that we accomplished quite a bit last night. As a result, I'm feeling very hopeful today. Between that and the fact that I didn't have to have P again today (or any other day from here on out, thank the Lord), today was an almost perfect day. I say almost perfect because my migraine came back again but, thankfully, the two Motrin I took seem to have knocked it out, though I have some remaining, slight sinus pressure.

I have to say, it has bothered me a great deal that I had/have such a strong dislike for P. He is, after all, only a baby and it really isn't his fault that he is the way he is. Clearly his mom and her bf don't take the time to discipline him properly. Hell, she even admitted as she left the first day that she didn't have time to be bothered with him acting up when she got home because she was tired after a long day's work and just wanted to relax but couldn't because she had to take care of him. I felt like a bad person because, instead of feeling sorry for P and having compassion like I felt I ought to, I felt only disgust and repulsion. I would never neglect any child in my care, regardless of how I felt about them, and P was certainly no different. I treated him the same as I did/do ds in regard to feeding him, keeping him safe, keeping his diapers clean and dry, etc. Still, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't with some effort that I was able to do those things for P. Thank goodness for my dh and T, both of whom said to me that I did nothing wrong and that it was natural to feel that way for a child who was so out of control and badly behaved, that I would only be in the wrong had I neglected or abused him in any way, neither of which I did. Made me feel a little better but there's still some remaining guilt in there.

Still no word from NM. Guess she's chosen to actually respect my wishes for once and not to contact me until I contact her. I'd been putting off taking any action where NM is concerned until I spoke with my T. Now that I've had another session with my T, she confirmed what I'd already been thinking - that, at least at this time, having contact with NM is not in my best interests and will only do more harm than good. She said there may come a time when I can handle it should I choose to but that time is not right now. That was when the grief started up again. I don't know why it should be so hard to let go, especially when I've already done this once before but, as my T said, it takes as long as it takes and some people need to grieve multiple times before it's all purged and they are ready to move on.

Hope you are all doing well. Also wanted to take the time to thank all of you so much for following my little blog and posting your various comments. It's nice to know that there are people out there who not only care about what I have to say but who I've also helped on occasion by baring my soul and putting all this out there. So thanks! :o)

List of Grievances - Part 4

2011-09-02T09:25:00.001-04:00

If I’ve ever dared to even HINT that dh and I are short on money – mind you, I’ve never asked her for a DIME – she’s super quick to say “Well don’t ask me cause I don’t have a CENT!” This is sometimes followed by a speech on how she’s done her job of raising NHS and I and how, especially after all the problems I gave her, it’s HER time now. What-ever lady!

For my birthday this year (back in 2009), she bought me three things: a rooter (to root plants in), an anklet and a small bag of sea glass. The sea glass was the only thing she bought for ME. The other two things she spent time talking about how much SHE loved them and how lovely they’d look in HER home which is why she thought they’d make the perfect present for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the items, they were pretty, but the fact that she went on and on about how much SHE just LOVED them kind of ruined it for me. I wound up donating the items to charity.

She is always complaining about money and lamenting about poor NHS and NBIL who can barely make ends meet. Then she’ll add about how it’s supposedly “easy for you and dh because you have your FIL who’s always giving you guys money”. Umm…NO. Dh and I have money because we’re responsible with what we get and pay off our bills first and then, if we have some left over, we’ll get ourselves each something small that we want. Unlike NM, NHS and NBIL who are all extremely impulsive buyers and spend money like it’s no object.

She’s infantile and petty. Once, when I refused to buy a box of teabags for her to use at my house – dh's company had just cut insurance coverage for ds and I and money was VERY tight so I literally didn't have the extra money - she grew very angry and said, in a very p/a way, “Sheesh! You can’t even buy your poor mother a stinking box of teabags! Thanks a lot!” She proceeded to complain about it for hours afterward and actually brought it up in therapy OVER A YEAR LATER as “evidence” of my being a bad daughter and disrespecting her/not caring about her.

She doesn’t ask, she TELLS me what she expects me to do. Like when they were getting ready to leave on vacation one time, she called and told me “You’ll need to come out here at least every other day to make sure the bird has plenty of food and water.” When I told her I couldn’t do it and could MAYBE come out there only one day that week, NM grew angry and said “Thanks a lot! Now what am I supposed to do? I hope I don’t come home to find the poor bird DEAD because you couldn’t bother yourself to come and take care of him!”. Clearly, how DARE I presume to have my own life and not jump when she yells!

She is NEVER wrong about ANYTHING! Usually I get told that I’M the one causing her to act badly toward me, because I’m so dramatic or because I’m such a problem or too sensitive. The few times she has apologized were always non-apologies – “Well, I’m sorry if I did that but I have no recollection of anything like that.” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke. You’re over-reacting and being too sensitive.”

Plays my NHS and I off of each other. She’ll gossip viciously to my NHS about me and then, when NHS cuts me off, NM will whine to me about how it’s so hard that the family can’t even be together because of all this “silliness” between my NHS and me and why can’t I just try talking to her and work something out?

Will tell me she needs me to go with her to XY event or that she needs help with XYZ and I generally will help her out because I'm a good person and enjoy helping people. However, the favor is RARELY returned. When she DOES offer to return the favor, it's never really help. NM's idea of "help" involves her coming over here and parking her butt on my couch all day. I guess her mere presence in my home is supposed to make me feel better so that I can do it all myself?

(March2009) Came into my home and told me some very disturbing things about my step-nephew. Apparently the child (who was 14 at the time) had been exhibiting some disturbing sexual behaviors such as masturbating in front of others and supposedly was trying to teach my niece and nephew how to do it as well. When I reacted normally and became concerned, NM called and left very nasty phone messages on my voice mail instructing me to back off and “leave it alone”, claiming it was “being handled” and wasn’t any of my business. She even went so far as to threaten me by telling me that BIL’s ex’s family “didn’t take kindly” to people talking badly about their family!

When her threats didn’t work, NM took to calling up my aunt and grandmother and began a smear campaign to turn them against me and make ME out to be the bad guy. She continues to make herself out to be the martyr and victim in everything and is no longer speaking to me (despite the fact that I’M the one who cut HER off) because “she doesn’t know what to say that won’t make it worse”. (This was first period of NC that lasted 10 weeks.) This has resulted in a few family members contacting me and telling me about how I need to stop “hurting my mother” because it’s “not fair” to her. *cue eyeroll*

(Thanksgiving 2009) NM had been pestering me for almost two weeks, whining about how she would be “all alone” over the holidays. Ever the good little doormat then, I assured her numerous times that we – dh, ds and I – would be there for both Thanksgiving and Xmas. NHS and I were no longer speaking (Thank GOD!) at that time and, in an effort to exclude me, she and NBIL had invited NM and NSJ to THEIR house for Thanksgiving saying that they planned to host that year. The understanding was that I, of course, was NOT welcome in their home. Imagine my surprise to hear NM say that she had accepted their offer!

Later, when the Thanksgiving festivities were moved to NM's house (due to her having more room), I was stunned to hear from NM's own mouth that I was STILL not invited because NHS and NBIL would refuse to come and then how would it look for poor NM?! But never fear! NM told me I could still come by and “surprise” everyone and that, if I chose to do so, she wouldn't stop me or say anything. Of course, the unspoken part was that she would play dumb and claim she hadn't had any idea I'd be there so that I would be the bad guy yet again.

When I was understandably upset re: Thanksgiving – though NM claimed to have NO idea WHY, since SHE hadn't done anything wrong! - NM offered me the “consolation prize” of getting first pick of which day I wanted to visit her over Xmas, Xmas Eve or Xmas Day. Lucky me! NOT.

Despite being coldly excluded from Thanksgiving, I decided to be the bigger person and invited NM and NSJ into my home for Xmas Eve. My only request was that NSJ NOT be drunk upon arriving and that they both NOT bring alcohol over as no one else that would be here drank and I didn't want NSJ to once again ruin yet another family holiday with his alcoholism. Well, of course, NM and NSJ show up with an entire case of beer in tow. Their excuse, that they thought someone else might want one. (They KNEW damn well no one else that was going to be here drinks, especially beer.) Previous to the night, NM had asked if she could bring anything. I said a veggie dip would be great and I'd cut up a bunch of veggies to go with it. NM showed up with a shrimp and onion CHEESE BALL (Did I mention I'm lactose intolerant and can't eat dairy and that I hate shrimp? Oh and dh hates onions.) and a gazillion bread sticks. So I had an entire thing of veggies that went uneaten thanks go NM's “generosity”.

NSJ kept pestering everyone to have a beer, including me who he knows very well doesn't drink. When I said, “No thank you. I don't drink.” his response was, “Why not? You know, maybe that's your problem.” !!! NM spent the majority of the night telling over and over her trials and tribulations of being married to my evil father, how he “beat” her and cheated on her, etc. People kept walking away only to find themselves being followed around the house by NM as she continued her tales of woe. When dh turned on the tv show “Cheaters” to try and drone NM out, it only served to spur her on and she began furiously venting about how my dad had cheated on her and how “devastated” she'd been, etc. a) I had asker her NUMEROUS times NOT to talk about my dad around me, b) I had asked her not to badmouth my dad in front of ds especially (ds was in the next room and could likely hear all that was said had he been listening) and c) an Xmas party is NOT the time to talk about such things! When I politely asked her to SHUT UP, she was all “Oh who cares? I'm just talking about it!”. Did nothing to stop her.

For Xmas that year, dh and I had gotten everyone a charity donation in their name as Xmas gifts, with the sole exception of my IL's whom had requested a Snuggie each. A couple days after the party on Xmas Eve, NM sent me a very cold, nasty email saying how DARE I deliberately try and disrespect and EMBARRASS her with my gift of a charity donation in her name and how she would NEVER not buy HER mother at least a small gift! She went on to claim that I hadn't gotten her a Mother's Day or Xmas gift in YEARS. NOT true, of course. Yes, there had been times when a gift just wasn't possible due to financial reasons but I at least got her a card and I ALWAYS remembered to call her and/or go visit. The straw that broke the camel's back for me though was when she dared to tell me that, from there on out, I WOULD honor my abusive step-pig (the man who TERRORIZED and ABUSED me for nearly 33 years of my life at that point) with a gift on ALL gift-giving occasions! As if! Can you imagine the gall?!!!!

For YEARS, I have bent over backward to try and find just the right gift for NM on gift-giving holidays only to have her show little to no enthusiasm each time. Worse, when NM would hear about money we'd gotten, such as settlement monies for an accident we were in, she'd make a comment that, “OH, good! NOW you can get me a GOOD gift!” Yet I'm supposed to go out of my way to buy gifts for the ungrateful bitch??

Just before going NC, NM sat in my living room on January 8^th of 2010. This was a “her one last chance” sort of thing. I had already pretty much decided to go NC but dh had talked me into giving it one more chance and trying to talk it out with him as mediator. NM spent the entire time asking “But WHY can't I take ds out by myself or to my house for a few hours?” despite us having told her time and time again that we didn't want ds around NSJ and that it was her own fault for having abused the privilege by repeatedly disregarding our wishes on how we chose to raise OUR son. NM also sat there and blame ME and my father for all my problems, saying that she had NEVER done ANYTHING remotely wrong as a mother aside from allowing ME to abuse and disrespect HER. It wasn't until she dared have the gall to say that NSJ would NEVER hurt a child however that I had had enough and told her I was done and it was time for her go.

During period of no contact, NM – along with NHS and NSJ – embarked on a massive smear campaign and attempted to turn my friends and extended family against me. She tried to interfere by appealing to my IL's – as if they were going to side with her over me. When that backfired on her, she took to smearing them as well. She talked trash about me to anyone who would listen – old friends she'd run into, old acquaintances, my chiropractor, my hairdresser (who works with her hairdresser), etc. She actually succeeded in turning most of my extended FOO against me, save for my aunt N who continues to be objective and sees through my NM's bullshit.

During NC, NM completely ignored that I existed anymore with the exception of her vicious smear campaign. There were no letters, emails, birthday cards, etc. Instead, she focused her attentions on my ds, sending him gifts and cards, etc. a few times a year, as if that was going to make her GM of the year in his eyes.

During period of NC, NM happened to run into my MIL and SIL at the local grocery store. DS happened to be visiting MIL that day and so was with them. NM made a HUGE scene, according to MIL and SIL, by running up to ds and throwing her arms around him and crying while saying stuff like, “Oh my gosh! Hi big boy! I've missed you SO MUCH!!!” According to NM – as was heard back through the grapevine and reported back to me via extended FOO – ds threw his arms around her and practically cried himself he was so happy to see her. NM made out like it was something out of a Lifetime movie special. Turns out, NM was the only one elated to see anyone, ds couldn't have cared less and actually moved AWAY from NM apparently. Then, when they were all back in the car, MIL asked ds if he knew who that lady was and ds said NO!

After going NC, NM had contacted dh to ask for some things back I had of hers. Dh set up a time to drop the stuff off and, while there, asked for a bunch of my stuff back that NM had borrowed. NM said dh would have to come back and called at a later date to tell him when to come. Dh showed up to find no one home and a box with my stuff on the front porch. Several of the items were expensive stuff, such as copper cookware, that could have been ruined/stolen. Clearly, NM didn't care. Upon getting home and looking through my stuff, I noticed several things had not been returned, like a set of copper frying pans and my belly dance hip scarf that NM had been coveting since I bought it. (She claimed I'd “stolen” it out from under her as I had bought the one SHE liked.)

Sometime around the end of July/early August 2011, I was online when an IM from NM popped up saying hi. Against my better judgment, I responded and have regretted it ever since. I have done all I can to try and discuss things with NM, important things that need to be discussed if we were to try and work on our relationship only to have her blow me off, make excuses and refuse to accept ANY responsibility whatsoever. She kept saying things like, “Well you can't expect me to be perfect, you know.” and “You know, you're not 100% blameless either.” When I saw her running away with the whole conversation, I made sure to make it clear that I was NOT ready to see her in person yet or even talk with her on the phone. Her response? That SHE wasn't ready to see ME either as she'd been “deeply hurt” by the whole “incident”. (cue eye roll)

After only speaking maybe 5 times via IM and email, NM actually sent me an email requesting to see ds. Of course, she worded it as saying how she wanted ds to know and love her and wanted a relationship with him and what could WE do to rectify the situation, as if we have EVER worked together on anything previous. Forget the fact that ds is now 5 years of age and currently has little idea who NM is or that NM was willing to walk out of ds' life for nearly 2 years simply because she couldn't have everything the way SHE wanted it. NM and I hadn't spoken for nearly 2 YEARS and had only had maybe FIVE IM/email convos at that point and yet she thought it appropriate to ask to visit with my SON??! When I told her it wasn't going to happen, NM proceeded to give me the silent treatment for two weeks as “punishment” because she didn't like my answer.

List of Grievances - Part 3

2011-09-02T09:21:00.000-04:00

When I revealed recently that dh and I would like to have another baby eventually, NM said, “Oh no. You guys definitely don’t need another baby. You have some serious shit to get together first.” WTFH????!!

After practically begging dh and I to stay with her and NSJ for a couple weeks while we were waiting for our closing date on our new house, I came home from work one day (about 5 days into our stay there) to find all our stuff in trash bags in NM’s foyer. When I asked what was up, NM said we had to go because she couldn’t stand our mess anymore. Mind you dh and I were extremely clean while living there, even more so than normal because I know what a clean freak my NM is. Dh and I wound up having to make arrangements to stay at his P’s at the last minute because we had nowhere else to go.

Is constantly telling me what I “ought to” do, what I “should do” or what I “need to” do, which, coincidentally, is what SHE thinks I ought, should or need to do.

Will often stop talking to me and give me the ‘silent treatment’ as a form of punishment when I go against her.

Has asked for money on a couple of occasions and then berated me and attempted to make me feel guilty when I said no way.

When I was still living at home, as soon as I got a job, suddenly I was expected to pay NM and NSJ “rent” in addition to chipping in for other bills as well as food and other necessities. All the while, NM was spending money on this, that and the next thing, none of which she needed and then asking me for more and more “rent” monies to cover her spending.

While still living at home and while I was between jobs, NSJ would use his time alone with me to verbally abuse me beyond belief. He’d often even follow me outside and scream at me in front of the neighbors. Often, when I’d had enough, I would leave and go to my NM’s place of business (her boss was really laid back and didn’t mind me hanging around) hoping for a little comfort or for her to call NSJ up and tell him to lay off. NM always insulted me for not being able to handle it and would say “What do you expect me to do about it?”

Whenever I wanted anything, be it an “in” article of clothing, a yearbook or whatever, I was told we “didn’t have the money”. However, whenever NHS wanted something, NM would run right out and buy it because “NHS was shy and didn’t make friends easily”. I was often also given the previous excuse of it not being fair since I got stuff from TWO families since my parents were divorced.

NM was always (and still does to an extent) comparing me to NHS – Why couldn’t I be more like her? Why couldn’t I dress more like her? Why couldn’t I be better in school more like her? Why couldn’t I have “nice” friends like her? Either that or it was, “NHS has never given me these kinds of problems.”, etc.

NM will often try to guilt me into doing things for her, such as agreeing to watch her bird or her dog for her while she’s away on vacation so that she doesn’t have to pay a big bill to board them. If I dare to tell her no, that I have other plans or that I just can’t for whatever reason, then I’m horrible and ungrateful and clearly don’t care about the poor animal’s welfare. She’s due to leave for vacation again soon and has been whining that she’s all concerned about her dog dying of separation while she’s gone. When I didn’t take her cue and offer to take the dog while she was gone, she grew pizzed and said I could at LEAST pick the dog up a day early so that she didn’t have to pay for the extra day.

When I first resumed contact with my father, I had a lot of unresolved anger towards him. To try and tell him how I felt, and since I didn’t feel able to do so over the phone or in person, I typed him a letter. When I went to print it, I discovered my printer was out of ink and so I took a disc over to my NM’s house to print it on her printer. I accidentally left the disc behind and was extremely upset to discover the my NM had not only let NSJ read it but had gone along with him in emailing the letter out to all my extended family members for them to read!!! NM was THRILLED that I was angry with my dad at the time and I presume she wanted to share her joy with the rest of the family.

NM will often ask me if dh or some other family member on dh’s side or my dad’s side has been talking badly about her behind her back. I used to tell her that they weren’t and could care less, now I don’t even bother to respond as I now know it’s just at attempt to get attention (i.e. “Poor me! Everyone’s talking about me behind my back and I didn’t even do anything to them! Boo hoo hoo!”) She’s also always paranoid that my N dad and NSM are in town and will drive by her house. As if they care.

Has told me on many occasions that I am not to say anything bad about NSJ in therapy. After all, we can’t have anyone finding out the truth now, can we?

Will talk to others – generally, anyone who will listen – about my private, personal business. For example, she once came to me and was riding me about my supposedly being “really depressed”. Then, when I denied it (because it wasn’t true), she told me that she’d talked with my chiropractor (who is also her chiro) and supposedly HE’D even agreed with her that I was, indeed, depressed which was, of course, a lie.

Has gone through my things (back when I still lived at home), including my diary, and then used what she found against me and/or criticized/teased me with the information.

NM insisted on hosting a party to celebrate ds’ baptism. She made out the invitations and sent them out to everyone, including my dad and SM and dh’s family only she forgot to include any information about the actual baptism. When I mentioned it to her, she said snottily, “YOU can handle that part. I’M only concerned with the party part of it.” Afterward, she kept asking for weeks if anyone had said anything about her or her house. She was actually disappointed when, time and again, I told her no one said a thing.

Is always telling me stuff like “You were always so difficult”, “You can be very difficult to love”, “You were very hard to live with” or “You were always causing trouble”. This is especially true of the times I complained about the abusive treatment from NSJ. First she’s say something like “Well, you know how he is. Just ignore it.” And then she’ll follow that up with “You know, you need to understand that you were very hard to live with. You were always causing trouble. It wasn’t easy for NSJ to come in and go from not having a family to suddenly having a wife and child. And then your father was always causing us problems…” Ro imply that I DESERVED the abuse in any way is nothing short of sick! As if ANY of that was my fault or responsibility! I was a CHILD for crying out loud!!

She’ll go on and on about her and NHS doing this or what she did with NHS’ kids and then say “I wish I could do xyz with my OTHER daughter too (meaning me) but she never wants to do anything with me anymore!”

She made up four different excuses as to why she couldn’t attend ds’ first birthday, including saying that she and NSJ had had plans for weeks to sand and refinish their deck that weekend and THAT was why she couldn’t be there. The truth was that, since I was cutoff from NSJ at that time, he wasn’t invited and so she chose to prove a point instead of attending her gs’ first birthday. (Updated to add – NM didn't attend ds' second birthday either, was there for his 3^rd bday and then we were NC for ds' 4^th and 5^th bdays.)

No matter what it is, NM has to “out-do” me in some way. If I say I have a headache, she says “Oh, don’t talk about headaches! I’ve had this horrible migraine for DAYS now!” If I say I have a backache, she’ll have a worse one. (BTW, did I mention I’ve had two back surgeries?) Likewise, if I do something to my house, she has to do something to hers only BETTER. When we replaced the flooring in our kitchen with this really nice vinyl tile that looks like real stone, she went out and got stone tiles put in her kitchen, along with new countertops, a tile backsplash and fresh paint. At present time, it is absolutely KILLING her that I was able to add a beautiful sunroom on my house because she can’t afford to do the same. Of course that hasn’t stopped her from talking about how she’d do hers better than mine if someone would just give HER some money.

She lies about anything, especially stupid stuff. She once told me that I had an allergy to sulfa drugs and that they gave me a rash if I took them. When I mentioned it recently, NM denied ever saying any such thing and claims that it gave me a headache but I didn’t have an allergy to it. Or she’ll always tell me what a good baby I was only to turn around and tell me what a “problematic” child I was, even as a baby. She also lies about bigger stuff. Like, once, I asked her whether or not she’d rejected my dad’s attempt at marital counseling before considering divorce. NM flat out denied that it had ever happened. Problem is, I had her old calendars in which she used to keep a sort of diary. Right there in her own handwriting she’d written that my dad had asked her to go to counseling with him and she’d said no way.

Whenever she decides to make time in her busy schedule of shopping, nail and hair appointments to grace ds and I with her presence, we (especially me) are expected to give her our full attention for the entire duration of her visit. If I dare to check my email while she’s here or watch something on tv, I’ll hear for weeks about how I was so “rude”. Then she’ll launch into a tirade about “THAT is why I never come visit you! Because you’re rude and you make me uncomfortable whenever I’m in your house!” Of course, it’s plenty okay for HER to read a book or whatever when she’s here. THAT is okay.

Despite the fact that I and her doctors have warned her that she drinks WAY too much tea and that it contributes to her repeatedly getting kidney stones, she refuses to give up her tea. My guess is that she loves the attention she gets from the kidney stones, especially when it results in her having to have surgery to get rid of them. “Poor me. I’m in so much pain and now I have to have surgery AGAIN to get rid of these stupid kidney stones! Oh woe is me! WHY does this keep happening to me???”

List of Grievances - Part 2

2011-09-02T09:14:00.001-04:00

When I had ds, I had to have an emergency c-section. NM made the comment that I should be thankful I didn’t have to have an episiotomy because THAT was more painful! Yeah NM, as if having that little piece of tissue cut down there is comparable to having my entire abdomen and uterus cut into! Then, when dh asked her to stay with me to help me out while I recuperated (once it came time for dh to go back to work), NM did NOTHING the entire time she was here. I’d ask her to mix up a bottle for ds and her comment was always “You’re going to have to learn to do it for yourself sometime. Might as well be now.” I wound up sending her away early the second day and telling her not to bother coming back. She quite happily obliged.

NM continued to insist that some yogurt or cheese wouldn’t hurt ds despite the fact that I’d told her numerous times that ds was LACTOSE INTOLERANT as an infant/toddler. Of course, this applies to many different things. She ALWAYS knows better than I since SHE has already raised two children and done such a FINE job of it so, naturally, I should defer to her wisdom. SOOOOOO NOT happening! LOL

Anytime I’ve ever insisted on something regarding ds, like the fact that they now suggest waiting until age 3 before giving any peanut butter, NM will insist that SHE gave us xyz or did xyz and NHS and I turned out just fine. She’ll often then go on to ridicule “all these new restrictions” that the doctors give us for ourselves and our children, again citing how SHE never had all those restrictions and did just fine. I always love to point out to her at these moments how as little as a hundred years or so ago, they also thought the cure for a common headache was to drill a hole in a person’s skull to let some blood out. Then I ask her if she’d prefer that treatment the next time she’s suffering from a headache or would she like to try the NEW treatment that involved taking an aspirin? Usually gets me HUGE CBF’s! LOL

NM continues to assert that ds “hardly knows her” and that she “never gets to see him” despite the fact that I’ve told her numerous times that she can see him whenever she wants provided she calls first. But that isn’t good enough for NM. She wants to be able to take him out by herself which I’ve told her won’t happen unless and until she can prove that she’s willing to abide by the guidelines that dh and I have chosen for OUR son. I refuse to accept the blame for NM not knowing her gs because she’d rather have things HER way and/or because her various hair/nail appointments and shopping excursions take precedence over visitation with her gs. Yet I’m labeled “unfair” because I “won’t let her” take her gs out by herself without me there.

Once when NSJ called here and upset me with another one of his “jokes” (you know, the kind that are at your expense and are a form of abuse yet, when confronted with it, he plays them off as if he was “just kidding” and I’m being overly sensitive, etc.?) and I had the gall to be upset by what he’d said, all NM could think to say was that I was “being stupid” since NSJ was clearly “just joking around”. After I no longer wanted to speak to her, she had the gall to ask dh “Why is DA being this way?” and “Why is she doing this to me?” Thankfully dh told her off and hung up on her sorry ass. (She still will bring this up about how dh was so “disrespectful” to her!)

After I finally gathered up enough courage to cut NSJ out of my life, NM took it upon herself to fix things. She was constantly on my back to make nice and go over to her house. Then, one day, she actually called me up and announced that she and NHS had “made it their mission to get the faaaaamily back together for Xmas” that year. I flat out told them both to butt out and stop it and that I wasn’t interested. Guess I was firm enough or whatever because NM actually said she was wrong for that one and backed off.

After one temporary cutoff when I had begun to resume contact with NM, she had the gall to say to me, “I’m so glad you decided act nice again and stopped going on about all that stupid shit”. It seriously took all the willpower I had not to tell her off and cut her off permanently.

When I wanted my driver’s license, I was told we “didn’t have the money” and that I had to wait. But when my NHS turned 16, NM took both of us out so that NHS could get her license right away. Likewise, when I wanted a car, I was told that I had to get a job and save up the money. Okay. I could respect that…………had NM not gone out of her way to help NHS get a car right after she got NHS her license.

Every time I was given a gift by my dad’s side of the family, NM had to run out and buy NHS one just like it because “it wasn’t fair that I got TWICE as many gifts since I had TWO families”. Yeah NM. I was so “lucky” that my parents were divorced and my family was fractured.

When she found out that I was once again in therapy, NM criticized me and said “What’re you going to be in therapy until you’re 60 years old?” When I said, “Yes. If that’s what it takes to finally resolve my issues and live a happy, content life”, NM told me I was being “ridiculous” and just needed to “get over it” already.

A few times when I’ve brought up that I had some unresolved stuff regarding the abuse, NM said “Now wait just a minute. NSJ did NOT abuse you. I wish you’d stop saying that.” Then she added that I just “need to let the past go already and move on”.

I would often come home from school to find that NM had cleaned my room. This always involved coming home to find that NM had bagged up several trash bags of stuff as garbage which meant stuff that she didn’t think we needed. A few times I was lucky enough to have time to go through the bags and get all my stuff out. The woman actually threw out a pair of very expensive Birkenstocks that I’d traded for simply because she thought they were “ugly” and I “didn’t need them anyhow”.

When I was still at home, I bought a pet rabbit. When I moved out a couple years later, I wasn’t able to take the rabbit with me and offered to either pay to have him put to sleep OR to locate an animal shelter that would take him and re-home him. NM and NSJ refused, saying THEY would keep him and he would now be their pet. I told them that was fine by me. Several years went by. One day, I get a call from NM. She was at work and said she’d noticed that the rabbit “sounded funny” as she was leaving. She said she thought he was sick and asked if I could go over there and take him to the vet to be put to sleep and the vet could call her and she’d pay over the phone. I said fine. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I got there. This poor animal was literally skin and bones. His toenails were horribly overgrown. But the worst part was the sound this poor thing made when it breathed. It clearly had a bad respiratory infection and made this horrible gurgling sound whenever he breathed. My once beautiful, sweet baby bunny was so weak he couldn’t even stand and was barely alive. I immediately burst into tears and cried the entire way to the vet’s office, while I was there and the entire way home. When I spoke to my NM later that day, I told her that I didn’t want to talk to her for awhile. When she asked why, I told her what I’d seen and that there was NO WAY IN H@LL that this had happened “all of a sudden”. Clearly they hadn’t taken care of that poor animal in a long time. NM became extremely angry and told me “Listen here, little girl. YOU were the one who left him with us because YOU didn’t want to take care of him anymore!” I told her that was a lie and hung up. Later that day, I had a message on my answering machine. It was a long, nasty message from NM saying that she’d called the vet and they’d supposedly told her that these kinds of infections can show up that way overnight. Then she went on to say that I’d better not ever say that they were anything less than kind and caring to that animal, yadda yadda. Talk about denial.

When I was in high school, our English teacher made us keep a daily journal that year. One day, we were asked who we would be if we could be anyone, dead or alive. I wrote that I’d be my grandfather because he was dead and didn’t have to suffer anymore. It was around that time that I’d also begun cutting myself. My teacher had apparently noticed the cutting and when she read that journal entry, she thought it time to call up my parents. My NM went in for a conference and, much like she did with my therapist years later, spent the entire meeting badmouthing me, saying I’ve always been a liar and exaggerated things for attention, etc. The whole way home and for hours after we got home, all NM kept saying was “Do you have any idea how EMBARRASSING that was for me???!!”

Throughout my teenage years, I was extremely depressed. NM’s advice was always to tell me to just “be happy”, start dressing in more colors instead of blacks and grays all the time and listen to happier music and I’d be just fine. Even when she found out I was cutting myself, she wasn’t convinced I needed help. It wasn’t until years later that she FINALLY got me into some therapy.

At one point during my worst depression, I began hearing things. Not voices really, just these sort of sounds, as if someone had left the phone off the receiver and you could hear people talking but not make out anything being said. It was extremely hard for me to tell her about it and I made her swear she wouldn’t tell NSJ in particular. By the next day, NSJ was teasing me about “hearing stuff” and saying I was crazy – obviously NM had told him everything.

After NSJ beat me one morning, I came home later that day and told NM what had happened and showed her the bruises. She looked me dead in the eye and as calm as could be told me “I don’t know where you got those bruises but I know NSJ did NOT give them to you.” She and NHS denied it so strongly that I began to think I HAD imagined it all. It wasn't until years later when I reconnected with an old high school friend who eventually mentioned the bruises that I realized I WASN'T crazy and HADN'T imagined the whole thing! I cried upon my friend saying that it had really happened.

Denies that NHS and I were raised in a home where bad language was spoken despite the fact that it was a daily occurrence and that my friends (including my dh) remember hearing it all the time.

When I first told her that dh and I wanted to try to have a baby, she told me that she didn’t care if we ever had kids because SHE “wasn't ready to be a grandma again yet”.

My List of Grievances for my NM...

2011-09-02T09:07:00.001-04:00

A few years ago, I decided to sit down and compile a list of all the bad memories that came to mind involving NM. When I started my list, I expected to wind up with maybe two or three pages, if that. I certainly never expected the page count to get up to ten, especially considering that I'd typed it up in a small font! The page count has since gotten up to fourteen pages and continues to grow as new stuff comes up over the years and/or new bad memories are created.

The list is long so it will take several posts to get it all down here but I wanted to share and get it all out there. And so, without further ado, my List of Grievances:

When I took fertility meds, back when we first started trying to conceive, I wound up having a bad emotional/psychological reaction to them. It felt like I wasn't in control of my own body/emotions and I was very frightened. NM told me I had “no right” to be upset because I’d CHOSEN to take the meds, unlike her who didn’t ASK to have cancer. What that had to do with anything, I have NO idea. Besides, NM was cancer-free by then. Even still, they caught her breast cancer extremely early and she was only given radiation treatments more as a precaution than because it was truly necessary.)

When I called NM up after a month cutoff – my then T's suggestion of which NM was warned before it happened - she told me that she didn’t care if she ever spoke to me again and that, if I hadn’t called her, she likely wouldn’t have ever called me back she was so angry. (If only I hadn't called her back! LOL) She also said that having me in her life was a huge “burden” and that even NHS agreed with her that having a relationship with me was more trouble than it was worth.

One time when I was very young – like maybe 6 or 7 years old? - unbeknownst to me, NM had lied to my dad about me being sick so that I could stay home that weekend. When my dad called me, I decided I missed him and wanted to see him and told him I wasn’t sick. He said he’d come get me. While we were waiting, my NM got super upset that I had “betrayed her” and handed me a steak knife and told me to stab her. Can’t remember the rest but I seem to remember it had to do with stabbing her being equal to what I’d done to her or something like that so I should just finish her off.

When I expressed anxiety during my pregnancy – understandable since this was my first child – NM told anyone who would listen that I was “super depressed” and unnaturally “terrified” at the thought of having a baby. Of course it was completely UNTRUE but she had my doctors as well as extended FOO frantic and worried sick about me. During a doctor’s visit, she told my doctor the same and pushed the doctor to put me on antidepressants. Am SO glad I stood my ground and refused given that now all I see on tv are ads about birth defects from women who took those drugs during pregnancy!

Has gone against my wishes multiple times regarding ds. Once she gave him a TicTac after I’d just finished telling her not to and another time she gave him rice. The rice incident was just after we’d begun solids and the only thing ds had had up to that point was baby cereal. It took my taking the rice away from her and putting it down the garbage disposal to get her to stop giving it to him. She’s also always expecting me to push ds’ nap later or even put it off entirely so that she can come see him or so that I won’t have it as an “excuse” not to do something/go somewhere with her.

Once when I said I was getting my hair cut a certain way, NM said “Good!” On other occasions she’s told me point blank that she hates my hairstyle. I once had my hair cut in a pageboy sort of style. You know, shoulder length and thick, bluntly cut bangs across the front. I hated it but NM and NSJ supposedly loved it and are always telling me THAT is how I need to get my hair done again “because it was so CUTE that way!” Blech!

Often tells me how she thinks I’d be “so much happier” if I “just lost even 20 pounds”. She’ll also criticize what I eat, how often I eat, etc. As if I’m not already painfully aware that I am overweight. (roll eyes) Wonder what she'd think now that I've lost nearly 60 pounds? LOL

Is always telling me I’m “too sensitive”, that I “have too many rules” for everyone, that I’m constantly being “overly dramatic” or acting “silly” about stuff. No matter what the case, I am always wrong somehow, even if I had/have nothing to do with it.

Her favorite thing to tell me is how much of a “problem” I was to raise and how she’s so glad I’m out on my own now and she doesn’t have to put up with me anymore.

When we went over to tell her the good news about being pregnant, she said “I’m so happy!” This was quickly followed by, “Because now you’ll know the h@ll I went through each time I had to give you to your father for visitations!”

When she found out my dh goes on a weekly guy’s night outing with his friend J, NM said to me “You know, he (dh) does that because he doesn’t want to be around you. He’s unhappy with you right now.”

When she found out (accidentally) about certain intimacy problems between me and dh, she told me that I’d better start doing stuff anyways whether I wanted to or not otherwise I was going to lose dh and he’d cheat on me!

Whenever confronted with my depression or anxiety disorders, she would tell me to “just not think about it”. I guess if I did that it would magically cease to be a problem?

When confronted with any past abuse, she a) denies any abuse ever occurred and b) will refuse to even say the “a” word. Apparently I'm just a liar with severe mental problems.

If I would bring up things NSJ had done – such as nasty comments, etc. – NM would tell me to “just ignore it” or, better still, to “give it right back to him”. Gee…why didn’t I think of that? (roll eyes)

Once, when I took her to a therapy session, she spent the entire hour badmouthing me to the therapist and told her that “DA has always hated SJ for taking her father’s place in my life and has been known to lie in order to make him look bad.” She also stated that I had a tendency to greatly exaggerate things – like the “supposed abuse” - and make them out to be something they weren’t.

Continually badmouths my father to me, despite my repeatedly asking her not to, all the while claiming to be “over him” and insisting that she “could care less” about him. And heaven help me if something comes on a talk show or tv that is remotely related to abuse or controlling spouses. NM never hesitates to tell me “Your father used to do that to me” and/or compares herself to the person going through the abuse. (I’ve spoken to various family members about this and while they all agree my dad wasn’t the best dh to my mom and would often play nasty “jokes” on her – like hiding her car keys when she had to leave for work, etc. – not one of them has ever so much as hinted to the fact that my dad ever hit my mother or beat her. Just the same, we can be watching a talk show about abused wives who were literally beaten to within inches of their lives and NM will compare herself to them as if what she endured was somehow just as bad.)

NM is always complaining about my house and saying I don’t keep it clean enough, that she can’t stand the dog hair and wouldn’t be able to live with a dog like mine, that she can’t understand WHY we don’t just do our dishes as soon as we’re done using them, etc. In other words, she can’t understand why we don’t do things JUST LIKE HER. I’ve gotten to the point where I just say, “Listen. This is MY house. If you don’t like it, clean it. Otherwise, SHUT UP!”

Will tell me that I should just tell ds “no” when it comes to certain things. Like our Xmas tree one year, we had it in a corner so that ds couldn’t reach it. NM asked why it was in the corner, saying that it looked “stupid” like that. When I told her it was to keep ds away from it, she told me to “just tell him no, not to touch.” I just laughed. FYI, ds wasn’t even two years old at the time.

When dh and I got a decent settlement from an accident we’d been in, NM not only said I was “lucky” (because we got a settlement from the accident), she said I was “stupid” for putting the money into savings when I could have spent it redecorating my home. Yeah, like I wouldn’t rather NOT have the migraines and neck pain due to the whiplash, not to mention the back pain that is back after I’d FINALLY gotten to a point where I was almost pain free. Lucky me!

When NM found out dh and I were going to take a birthing class, she said we were “stupid” for spending that much money and said SHE had never taken any birthing class so why the heck did WE need one? For that matter, she said women had been giving birth for hundreds of years without taking any “stupid birthing class” and THEY had done just fine. Then she added that if we had money to “piss away” that we should give it to her because SHE could use it and, I presume, would spend it more wisely?

When NSJ’s mother passed away, NM was angry that they didn’t get more of an inheritance and complained that it was being “wasted” on NSJ’s sister (who was both handicapped physically as well as suffering from bipolar disorder, btw). When NSJ’s sister passed away having committed suicide, NM made the comment of “Thank God. Now maybe (NSJ’s sister and BIL's names) will send us some money now that (NSJ’s sister’s name) won’t be using it anymore.”!!!

Basically, NM is always making comments about how people should send HER money or about how she wishes they would. When FIL gave dh and I the money to add on the sunroom to our house so that we could have more living space, NM’s comment was that she wished someone would give HER xx amount of dollars. When NM found out my GM had had her town home redecorated, NM said that if GM had money to “throw away on stupid shit”, that GM should send HER the money instead. Again, because SHE (NM) would spend it better and is apparently so much more deserving than everyone else.

Want your opinions on NC letter...

2011-08-30T15:01:00.000-04:00

Okay so, I keep going back and forth but, overall, I know that it has to be NC for me because I clearly cannot handle LC in any form with NM. The only confusing thing for me is that while part of me would like to be able to contact her should I want to, truthfully, I want nothing to do with her really. It's like, I don't want to talk to her, I just want to hold on on that remaining string "just in case" or whatever. Confusing, right? Anyhow, despite that, I'm feeling that I will wind up going back NC only, this time, I'd like to send an official NC letter.

As much as I'd LOVE to really blast NM all to hell in the letter, as all my DoNM sisters (and my wonderful dh) so smartly pointed out, no good whatsoever would come of it. The only thing that would come of it would be for NM to gain ammo which she could then use to further her victim status and I refuse to help her in that regard so that will just have to remain an unfulfilled wish of mine I guess.

Dh suggested I keep my NC letter short, sweet and to the point. Be firm, but polite so as to give NM as little ammo to use against me as possible and so that, when she inevitably DOES pass it along to extended FOO as evidence of my "badness", they will likely see nothing negative about it. At least nothing that would prove me to be unnecessarily cruel or unkind to NM. After much editing and re-editing, here's what I've come up with:

I thought I could handle having a relationship with you again but I can't. It's not that I don't love you – because I do - and you haven't done anything since we started talking again, I just am not in a place where I can handle having a relationship with you right now. If and when the time comes that I am ready, I will let you know.

Until then,

DA

What do you all think? The part about NM supposedly not having done anything since we began speaking again irked me slightly but, as I have no concrete proof beyond my own gut instinct that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment when she didn't speak to me for those two weeks, bringing it up would be somewhat pointless and, again, only serve to give NM ammo against me. I feel I also achieved my goal of not making me look bad when NM forwards it to the entire extended FOO upon receiving it. I have to say though, it was TOUGH to be so nice about it. It feels like I'm admitting defeat and she's "winning" which just chaps my ass to no end. But, as dh also pointed out ala "Dr. Phil", do I want to be RIGHT or do I want to get past this, heal and move forward? The answer is, while I'd LOVE to be right for once, much more than that, I'd like to heal and move forward.

On a bit of a related side note, as I was typing this, I was trying to figure out what NM's response would be. Since we started chatting again, NM has been trying to negotiate a table from me that I currently have for sale in my shop. Basically, NM doesn't want to pay the $100 so has been trying to barter with me. I'm not opposed to a trade but, so far, all NM has offered me is crap. At any rate, I feel very certain that NM's only comment to me in response to this NC letter is to ask if she can still have the table before we go our separate ways. When I mentioned my thoughts to dh, he gave me a sad smile and said, "Sadly, I can totally see her responding with that." If NM doesn't mention getting the table first, I will be seriously shocked. That's how sure I am that that will be at least part of her response. (For the record, any response from her will be read by dh after which point she will be once again blocked from sending any future emails.)

Wish there was some other option to try but I've once again found myself with no where left to go but NC.

Feeling pissed off and down today...

2011-08-30T12:00:00.000-04:00

This started last year actually. MIL had been pushing dh to take ds to the zoo. Every chance she got, she'd bring it up. Well, then SIL got some coupons that would give us a discount to the zoo and MIL really stepped up her pushing to the point that dh was ready to go.

What's the problem, you ask? Well, for one, the zoo is located WAY out of my 'safe zone' with regards to my anxiety/PTSD. It's about an hour and 45 minute drive from where we live and anything outside of 20 minutes or so is hugely anxiety producing for me and I tend to avoid anything outside that circle. Then there's the fact that the zoo is HUGE and is basically an all day thing involving LOTS of walking, which I cannot do. I've had two back surgeries and have other issues that have stemmed from that. Basically, the longer/more I walk, the more painful my lower back and side gets and if I push it too far, then I'm in horrid pain.

The zoo DOES offer buses/trams to get you from certain areas of the zoo to another area BUT, because of my anxiety, I don't ride passenger on anything. Day to day, if I can't drive, I don't go. Period. I CAN occasionally ride with dh as the driver but that's it. I don't ride with anyone else. And since I don't think the zoo is going to let me drive the bus/tram, that's out of the question. So basically, going to the zoo for me (at least at this time) is physically and emotionally out of the question.

When the issue come up last year and dh seemed to be intent on taking ds with MIL, I had a serious talk with dh and told him I was really upset at the thought of them going. I felt and feel that certain things - like ds' first trip to the zoo - is something that his parents, BOTH his parents, should do with him, that it should be him and I with MIL as the tag along and not dh and his mom (MIL) taking ds while I remain at home. After a long discussion and much back and forth, dh finally (albeit somewhat reluctantly) agreed to put the trip off until this year at which point we'd re-evaluate my health.

I've come a long way with my anxiety issues but I still can't ride passenger and I still have my issue of not being comfortable traveling outside a certain 'safe zone' area. Dh recently brought up the zoo issue again briefly but not much was said about it and I'd thought the issue was settled for now. Well, ds was over at my IL's for the weekend a week or so ago and SIL helps ds send an email to dh and I that reads, "Daddy can I go to the zoo?". I felt/feel MIL was likely the one to bring it up yet again and coaxed ds into sending it and so, I was PISSED. What IS it with these people - almost entirely MIL - pushing to take ds to the zoo so freaking much? I get that it's nice to take ds to these sorts of things because he enjoys them and it's fun to do as a family but a) I'M his MOTHER, NOT MIL and b) there are other things closer to home, things that *I* can also participate in that don't involve excluding me!

For example, I found a local smaller zoo that is only about 30 minutes from where we live. Still a little outside my comfort zone but much more "do-able", ya know? Not only that but it's like a safari type thing where you can either take a horse-drawn wagon through the place OR you can ride in your own vehicle which I thought was pretty cool. Best of all, the animals are all free-roaming and come right up the car where you can see and feed them. I've been to the bigger zoo many times on field trips when I was in school and you can't see half the animals because the enclosures are so damn big and/or the animals don't want to venture outside and be seen for whatever reason. And other than some possible farm animals in the petting zoo section, you certainly can't feed or pet and get up close and personal with any of the animals.

I mentioned this smaller zoo idea to dh earlier and he was all, "Sounds lame. I think ds would like the larger zoo a LOT better." Well, YEAH, he probably would but I can't GO to the bigger zoo which means, if they go, I'll have to sit at home, all alone. Worse, you can bet MIL will be there front and center, playing mommy to MY ds and having a wonderful time.

I've been doing so good with my anxiety issues. I've stuck with the therapy, done everything and then some that my T has told me to do and worked my ass off to try and get better. I've even pushed myself to go outside my comfort zone on numerous occasions and have been making a huge effort to do more stuff outside the home with ds, like when we went bowling the other week. I had much anxiety the whole time but I went because I want ds to remember doing fun stuff with BOTH his parents and not look back and say, "I had a lot of fun with my nana and dad but mom was always home with her anxiety and back issues." So even though I paid for the it the next day with back pain, I went bowling and am glad I did because ds had a great time and seeing him smile made it all worth it.

I just wish that MIL would back the fuck off and quit trying to play mommy to my ds and that dh would stand up for me and work WITH me on some things a bit more. Like this local, smaller zoo. Okay, so it's not as awesome as the big zoo but so what? It's a zoo, ds would love it (we watched the little video on the site and ds said it looked fun) and, best of all, we could ALL go together as a family. Instead, dh says we can "work on" my anxiety and stuff so that I can go to the larger zoo. (The loose "plan" between dh and MIL is to go to the zoo within the next month or two. Gee, that should be PLENTY of time for me to magically erase years worth of trauma and anxiety! NOT.)

As for MIL, she brings up going to the zoo at least once every other week lately. The next time she brings it up, I think I'm going to have to be blunt and say something like, "ENOUGH about the zoo already! When DH and I are ready to take OUR son to the zoo, we'll let you know. Until then, this matter is no longer up for discussion." as clearly my previous, subtle comments have not been heard by her.

I wish so much I had a friend or relative I could count on and vent to. My four "parents" aren't worth a shit, my IL's tend to see me as "over-reacting" or "too sensitive" and/or side with their son 99.9% of the time and I have no friends that I can call up or go visit and talk to. I DO have my aunt N who will listen and be sympathetic but a) she's going through some serious stuff right now with her IL's failing health and b) since she works a lot, it generally takes her a few days to respond via email.

I suppose I should say here that, generally speaking, dh is very loving and supportive. I couldn't have made it as far as I have in my healing process without his steadfast love and support and I love and appreciate him very much. But when it comes to his mother, it's like his head goes out the window sometimes and he's blind to her manipulations. As for MIL, she and I generally get along okay but when it comes to my ds, we've had issues from day one. I felt then and continue to feel to a large degree that she sees herself as more of a mother to ds than a GM and, as ds' mother, I find this to be a threat and I don't like it. Actually, I don't know that it's so much that she sees herself as ds' mother as it is that she doesn't seem to acknowledge that there should be certain boundaries that, as ds' GM, she shouldn't cross.

*I* am ds' mother. *I* carried him in MY womb for nearly 10 months and it was ME who went through 26 hours of un-medicated labor and complications resulting in an emergency c-section to bring him into this world, NOT MIL. As I said just previously, there are certain things, boundaries, IMHO, that it's just understood aren't to be crossed. Things that are for a child's PARENTS to have the right and privilege to do with their child. Things that MIL seems to think she has a right to step forward and push to do, like the zoo thing or ds' first Easter Egg hunt. Dh and I showed up at the church only to have MIL snatch ds up and refuse to put him down the entire time we were there. She walked around with MY child in her arms and helped him collect eggs as if SHE were his mother instead of me. When I finally had enough and said something to dh, he defended MIL saying that she was just excited about showing him off to her church lady friends.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's important for ds to have a good relationship with his GP's and I encourage that in many ways, such as trying to include them in various activities that we do as a family. But they should be there as our invited guests, NOT acting as ds' parents. Again, there are just certain things that, to me, are off limits and a child's "firsts" are a big one. As a GP, unless invited to take charge, to me, they should stand back and allow the parents of the child to take the lead role and not try to interfere or take charge. By all means, feel free to voice suggestions or opinions from time to time but don't step in and tell me how to raise my child or try to take over things that you have no business taking over!

I don't know, is it just me here? Maybe I just have a screwed up version of how family should be, specifically with regard to GP's roles? After all, it's not like I had the best example of family to go by. I just know it feels wrong how MIL acts sometimes. She had her chance with her own children and, in all honesty, she was a good mom to them and did a great job. But ds is MY son and all I ask is that she step back (and step off!) and allow me to experience the joys of raising my own child instead of repeatedly trying to step in and take over my place. It just feels like she knows my weaknesses with regard to my anxiety and PTSD and tries to use those to her benefit so that she can re-live the glory days of motherhood with my child. Doesn't feel good and I don't like it one bit.

Feeling all over the place regarding NM...

2011-08-29T10:12:00.001-04:00

A couple weeks ago, I just wanted back out of the newly LC relationship I'd gotten into with NM. I felt at the time she was playing games, giving me the "silent treatment" because she didn't like that I'd told her she can't see ds right now. Since then, I've heard word from a couple people that would seem to point to NM not having any ill intent or deliberately trying to punish me in any way. I still feel in my gut that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment but I also have to admit, if I'm to be honest with myself, that it is at least POSSIBLE that there was no malicious intent that maybe she was just busy or whatever.

There are several parts to what I'm feeling. I'll try to list them all here but I may ramble a bit.

Part of me feels stuck now because, since I'm not 100% sure NM did anything deliberately to be hurtful, I feel I have no valid reason to walk away. Don't know why I should need a REASON exactly, but it just feels appropriate that there should be one?

I've also heard some songs lately, angry songs, and been reading here a bit more than usual and when all combined, my old friend anger has returned with a vengeance. All the memories of all the shit NM has pulled over the years, all the hateful, hurtful things she said during NC, how she tried to turn my extended FOO against me, how she smeared me to everyone who'd listen to her, it just makes me to damned ANGRY at her. On one hand, I want to smash her face into a pulp and, on the other, I wish it were possible to completely open my pain to her and get her to understand so that she would then feel the pain of knowing what she'd done to me. Then I would turn and walk away from her and leave her with no chance of being forgiven or of finding absolution so that she'd just have to ROT for eternity knowing what she'd done, the pain she'd caused. As a mother, I'd find that way worse than being beaten to death and I feel my "mother" deserves all that hell and more. (Seeing the anger yet? LOL)

When I think of all those things, I just want to tell her to go fuck herself and walk away and go back to NC again. Problem is, it would also mean I'd once again catch flack from the extended FOO, some of whom I'm just now finally starting to talk to again and have some form of a positive relationship with.

But then I start thinking to myself, "NM hasn't really done anything that wrong since I've been back in contact with her and it would be cruel to just walk away again considering that. Besides, what happens when two weeks/months/years down the line I long to make contact with her again? It wouldn't be nice to jerk someone around like that and, regardless of what she's done to deserve it, it's not the sort of person *I* want to be." At this point, I start thinking maybe I should just leave things as they are (which is extreme LC, emphasis on the extreme part) only then I start feeling like, "But I wanna tell her off and walk away! I wanna HURT her!" (Okay, so maybe she can't be hurt like a normal person but there's gotta be a way to hurt her to some degree.)

To clarify, I'm hardly sitting here freaking out or all upset about this situation, though it IS on my mind a lot. I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm feeling and decide what I should do. I guess I also don't feel like it's OKAY or appropriate to do what I'm feeling I want to do in regards to telling her off and wanting to hurt her. I know that my anger is righteous and earned and I know that NM has done things to deserve and earn whatever I feel toward her. She's been a shitty mother and a worse human being and, as such, deserves what she gets in the way of people being angry at her, etc. I just so don't want to be one of those people who gets all caught up in being bitter, angry and wanting revenge, ya know? While NC, I thought I'd forgiven NM - for MY sake - and let go of most all of the anger and bitterness and now here it is again, full force and I'm just like, "Damn! I thought I'd made more progress than this! Will this ever end? Will I ever finally be free of all this?" My T, bless her, just keeps saying, "It's a process." but I am BEYOND ready for this freaking process to be OVER, KWIM?

In talking with dh about this last night, it also occurred to me that what I want most of all is to be right. Dr. Phil often will ask his guests, "Do you want to fix this and heal from it or do you wanna be right?". Ideally, I'd say both but if I had to pick one, at this point, I want to be right. It feels GOOD to hear people say that my NM is a nutjob an that I'm right to stay as far away from her as possible. For so many years I was told I was wrong/bad/stupid/over-reacting/too sensitive/etc. and for once I just wanna be right. The problem is, the "high" that comes from that kind of validation only lasts for so long and then I'm right back to needing another "fix".

Not sure what I'm looking for here exactly. I mostly just needed to get all this out of my head. (And maybe be heard?)

Thanks if you made it this far. I know I can be long-worded sometimes!

Hugs,

DA xx

Difficult morning...

2011-08-26T09:33:00.000-04:00

It's been a slightly difficult morning. Today was ds' first day of kindergarten. He did great, just walked right in all confident and self-assured. So different from how I was even at that young age, painfully shy and with little to no self-confidence whatsoever. I had to call him back for a good-bye hug because he was so excited and interested in what was going on in his classroom. LOL

I just hope and pray so much that his school experience is a positive one. At various times throughout my life, I've heard others call their school years "the best years of their life". It always perplexed me as school was a hellish experience for me, one that I loathed then and continue to look back on with very painful, negative memories. I can remember being bullied pretty much every single day from kindergarten/first grade all the way through graduation senior year. I didn't have many friends at all, still don't really, and was horribly shy. And, of course, I think it goes without saying that NM was zero help when it came to bullying at school. The couple of times NHS and I told her about incidents, her only advice was to "just ignore [the bully]". Don't know why I should be surprised as that was the exact advice she always gave me when I'd complain about NSJ's abuse.

Today is kind of bittersweet for me. One one hand, I am so excited to watch ds begin this new adventure in his life. I have a feeling he's really going to like school and make a ton of friends. He'll be one of those people who look back later in life and say, "Those were some of the best years of my life." On the other hand though, it's kind of painful. My baby is growing up and becoming a boy. He's growing away from me. I can remember the day he was born, the first time I held him, the day we brought him home from the hospital, his first birthday, his first word, when he began to crawl....where does the time go and why must it go by so quickly?

Above all though, it saddens me because I feel all this so intensely and know in my heart that my NM has never felt the same. Rather than missing me and the house feeling empty when I started kindergarten, NM was probably glad to have a break from having to deal with me. Rather than hating that I was growing up and away from her, she was probably happy and in a hurry for me to grow up even faster so that she could get me out of her house. Most mothers cry when their kids move out. Not my NM. She was all, "Finally! Now I have my house back and all to myself!" Days like today are a horrible reminder of all I was cheated out of in a mother.

Despite that, I am happy because I know that my son will never know that pain. He'll never know the feeling of having to ride a bus home and come home to an empty house after school at the tender age of only 6 years and having to let himself inside and wait alone for a few hours until his parents get home from work. He'll never know the pain of feeling he has to choose between his mother and father and pick a loyalty to one or the other. He'll never know what it's like to have adult issues placed on his shoulders and bear that awful responsibility. He'll never have to be an adult when he's still a child. Best of all, he'll never know the pain of feeling he's never good enough or that he isn't loved by his parents. He can feel safe and trust and believe that he is worthy and good enough and loved unconditionally by dh and I. He is free to just be a kid, where his biggest worry is what video game to play first.

Can't wait until ds gets home today so we can sit down over a big plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies (his favorite) and talk all about what a great 1st day he had at kindergarten today!

Back to feeling confused about what to do...

2011-08-19T20:54:00.000-04:00

So, no word from NM for about two weeks (save for those two email forwards) and then yesterday, I got some IM's from her. The way our computer is, we usually have multiple tabs up at any given time and then just leave it on when we're not using it. Hence, it may appear that I am online when I'm really not. That was the situation yesterday with NM, it looked to her like I was online in my email but I wasn't. Thinking I was online, she sent the following IM's:

Aug 18 4:25 PM
NM: Hi-I thought that you might have left town and not told me! Where you been?

Aug 18 4:30 PM
NM: Did you write anything yet? Went over to another page and my note was erased?

Aug 18 4:32 PM
NM: Okay...be that way-gotta take (the dog) out anyway! XX

Aug 18 6:01 PM
NM: Are you going to talk to me this time-hmmm?

To outsiders, I'm sure it would appear that she was just joking around with me and wasn't the least bit upset or whatever and I'm sure NM would see it the same way. However, to me, the comments come across as very passive-aggressive. Basically, she didn't like my response to her last email telling her she couldn't see ds anytime soon so she "punished" me by not speaking to me for two weeks and, now that she's over it, suddenly she's IM'ing me and stuff again acting like everything is peachy keen only she's pissed that I wasn't sitting at my computer awaiting her to message me so I could respond immediately.

I also got this in my email inbox earlier:

Hi! Just a short note to find out if you are still amongst the living. I was online yesterday around the same time as you, and started to write, but got no answer. Hope everything is well with you and that ds is okay. How's the dog doing?

Hope to talk to ya soon. Love you XX

p.s. How's the business coming along?

A couple things irk me about her message. 1) Funny how she's supposedly SO concerned with how ds is doing and his welfare yet she was willing to walk away out of his life simply because she couldn't have everything go exactly the way SHE wanted it. 2) What's all this sudden interest in my business? Every time I talk to her recently, she's asking how my business is doing. I sincerely doubt she actually cares one way or the other and, to be honest, her comments always ring fake to me.

On one hand, I long for the peace and solitude of NC again. I really don't feel like responding or having anything to do with NM at this time. But if the past was any indication, what happens when a few weeks or months from now I again feel like I want to contact NM and see how she's doing? Forget that NM is a bitch and/or what she deserves - I don't want to be the sort of person to jerk another person around and it just plain old wouldn't be right to keep going back and forth like that. Hence my problem.

I honestly don't know what to do. One second, I want to go back to NC only to have that turn into feelings of I don't know and then that turns into I want to stay extreme LC and on an don. That is compounded by the fact that I am totally unsure if NC is the correct way to go since I feel fairly sure that I will want to contact her again at some point in the future and, if I go back to NC, that will close that door permanently. Dh suggested I just write to NM and tell her that it's not her, it's me - though he did suggest using a bit different wording. That way, the door would be left unlocked should I choose to open it again in the future.

There's also a part of me that wants to be completely honest with NM and lay my feelings all out on the table. I guess what I'd hope to accomplish by doing that is for HER to reject ME and cut ME off first. (How screwed up is that??!! Like I haven't suffered enough rejection and pain at this point??) Then I could walk away saying, "Well, I did all I could" and not have any residual guilt.

Of course there's also two smaller parts of me - one that wants to stick it to NM and hurt her, even if just a little, as repayment for all the hell she's put me through and one that longs for a close, loving relationship with my NM.

Maybe the best thing would be to hold off making any decisions until I've had a chance to speak to my T again. But that might take a couple weeks to get an appointment and then what do I do about NM? If I continue not responding, she's going to take it that I've cut her off and gone NC again and that will bring up all sorts of drama again with the extended FOO that I really don't need in my life right now.

*disgusted sigh* Why, oh WHY can't these situations be easier? Why does it always seem to be an uphill battle? Is it just a life filled with an unusual amount of bad luck or is it the legacy of a DoNM?

A mini update...

2011-08-14T20:47:00.002-04:00

Just thought I'd update you all re: the NM situation. I've actually been feeling much better the past day and a half or so. NM isn't on my mind nearly as much and I've been able to relax and enjoy myself again. The insomnia seems to be mostly gone as well along with the nightmares. I think that chat with dh and the light bulb moment of realizing that I'm ashamed simply for being really helped to purge some of the negativity so I could decompress a bit.

I had written to my aunt N to see if she'd heard anything from NM and finally heard back yesterday. She wrote:

I really don't think you're being played by NM. I just talked to her, and she didn't seem mad at all, or even resentful. She simply stated that she had requested to see ds, and you wrote back to say that you simply weren't ready yet. She wants more, but she didn't seem angry or upset. We didn't talk much about it -- I really try to steer clear of talking about you at all.

At first I felt a little bit worse as it seemed my suspicions that maybe NM wasn't deliberately giving me the silent treatment and/or refusing to discuss my email re: her request to see ds. But then I decided it didn't matter if that was her original intent because she's still playing games regardless. Since we started emailing again, NM has either IM'ed me or emailed me every few days. I don't think more than 4 days has passed without hearing something from her, even if it was just a short note. She emailed me the request to see ds on the 5th and it's now the 14th. Nearly 10 days has passed without a word from her beyond two stupid email forwards. So I don't care what NM says to aunt N or anyone else, as far as I'm concerned, she's playing games and I want no part of it.

Am feeling unsure at this point exactly how I'll proceed. I know that I have zero plans to contact NM but I may respond one final time if she ever decides to email me more than an email forward. Then again, I may just block her on email and be done with it. I just don't know for sure. Right now, I'm just trying to take some time and try to relax and enjoy spending time with my dh and ds. We had a lovely afternoon Friday. Dh, ds and I - and MIL, BIL, SIL and the new baby, "B" - all went bowling at the local bowling alley. We had a blast. I was feeling really anxious and was very tempted to succumb to my PTSD symptoms and stay home yet again but I pushed myself and was proud of myself for going. Besides, it would have sucked to miss seeing ds bowl. He was so cute!

Thank you all so much for your loving words and support during this whole thing. It meant a lot to hear how you all valued what I do here and how it's helped some of you. It's good to know at least some positive comes from what I go through.

Hugs,

DA

HUGE lightbulb moment...

2011-08-11T21:16:00.000-04:00

Was in the tub soaking a little while ago and dh came in and we were talking. I was telling him about my memories that had surfaced and said that I wanted validation. Afterward, dh said firmly that NM's reactions were/are SERIOUSLY fucked up and that he doesn't think she's capable of behaving the way a normal mother would. I started to cry a little at that point as I asked him, "But it's not me?" and dh, bless his heart, said even more firmly, "NO. It is NOT you." and went on to say how perfect and amazing I am and how much of an impact - a positive impact - I've had on his and ds' lives, etc.

I started to cry even harder at that point and dh asked what was wrong. I said to him, "I just feel like a stupid, small burden." Dh asked, "For what?" and I was shocked to hear myself blurt out, albeit in that tiny voice, "For being."

My heart is literally weeping right now for little DA as well as for the adult DA who thinks that she somehow needs to apologize simply for being. Then again, I don't know why it's such a revelation. I've felt like an unwanted inconvenience for as long as I can remember. Even as a very young child, it was clear that I wasn't really wanted, that I was just this inconvenience that my parents - all four of them - had to put up with and it remains that way to this day. I think that if all of them could have erased me and forgotten all about me as they tried to do with each other after the divorce, they would have (quite eagerly) done so.

Is it any wonder that I am a "disturbed angel"? What child/person wouldn't be after going through all that I've been forced to go through and suffer? The greater wonder is that I'm not far more "disturbed" beyond the anxiety, depression and PTSD. I suppose that in itself is a testament to the little warrior within me, that she could survive being made to feel so unwanted, so worthless and yet still refuse to give up.

Had a memory earlier today...

2011-08-11T17:09:00.001-04:00

(**NOTE** Several parts of this may be triggering for some people so please proceed with caution.)

Forgot to share this earlier what with all the other emotional upheaval going on currently. Back when I was about 16 and a junior in high school, I had made a plan to run away. The abuse at home was reaching it's peak, I was majorly depressed to the point of being almost suicidal and I just wanted to get out of that hell hole and away from all of them. So, a friend of mine and our boyfriends made a plan to run away. We were going to live together to help support one another until we could get on our feet. As part of the plan, I had decided I would "steal" the engagement ring my dad had given to my NM back when they were together. It was a one carat diamond and was flawless, or so I'm told. I figured that, combined with the gold band it was in, it would fetch me enough money to carry me for a couple weeks. (I know. I was naive but it was something I guess.)

At any rate, one day - whilst going through my things under the guise of "cleaning my room", which she often did - NM happened upon a letter I'd written to my friend in which we discussed certain details of our plan. The fact that I planned to take the ring was in there as well. NM, of course, was FURIOUS with me and immediately set in to screaming at me. How DARE I plan to steal HER ring?!!! That was HERS, NOT mine....blah dee freaking blah.

Looking back today, it hits me just how fucked up her reaction was. I mean, really...if I happened upon a letter my ds had written in which we expressed his depression and plan to run away from home, my first thought would be to gently confront him and ask what I'd done to make him want to be away from me, to think his only option was to leave. The LAST thing I'd be thinking about is how dare he steal MY precious things! But, then, I'm not a self-centered, narcissistic bitch who doesn't give a shit about her own child.

There was another time, in my senior year, when things had gone from bad to worse and I'd begun cutting myself on my arms. When my NM finally discovered what I'd been doing - and it was clear she didn't give a damn even before she officially "found out" because I often wore short sleeved shirts and didn't generally cover the scars up so they were fairly easy to see, even from a distance - her only thought was to berate me for how I'd supposedly hurt and embarrassed her with my "behavior". There was ZERO concern for the fact that I, her daughter, was in so much pain that I was CUTTING myself, oh no! The only thing she could think was how this latest bout of "silly" behavior would make HER look in the eyes of others.

Again, I sit here and think of how I'd react if I found out my sweet baby boy was in so much pain that he was cutting into his own flesh and the absolute LAST thing that would come to mind - IF it even came to my mind AT ALL - is how it would affect ME. My ONLY concern would be for my son and how I could help him stop hurting. But my NM - or rather, that selfish bitch who calls herself my "mother" - could think only of HERSELF. ALWAYS, it is about HER - HER wants, HER needs, HER desires, HER pain, HER stress, HER feelings....HER, HER, HER. Bitch. I hope she rots.

SERIOUSLY??!!

2011-08-11T16:55:00.000-04:00

ANOTHER fucking stupid email forward?! Really?? Really??!!

Yep. Just got another stupid email forward from NM, this one titled "Really COOL Pictures!". Admittedly, the pics were really neat but that's obviously not the point. I am so freaking DONE. She wants to play her stupid mind games and act like a bitch, so be it. Let her find someone else to play with.

Looks like it's back to NC for me. (Yay!)

Ugh...

2011-08-11T15:36:00.000-04:00

I don't even CARE if NM is lurking at this point, I gotta vent. I feel like I'm losing that stability and peace that I'd worked so hard for this past 19 months. I'm hating myself that NM still has this hold over me and am kicking myself for thinking that maybe, just maybe, things would be different this time. I thought I'd finally gotten past that ridiculous hope and accepted that NM was damaged goods, that she'd never give me what I want and need from her, and I think I HAVE accepted it in my mind. But, sadly, my heart is another thing entirely and it is breaking once again at being rejected and punished for not doing anything wrong.

I know now 100% that it was a huge mistake to reconnect with NM. I wish, looking back, that I'd ignored her IM that day and continued with my NC. Those first few moment of speaking with her felt good but all that has come with it most definitely does NOT feel good. Not even close.

I'd been doing so well with NC. It was hard at times, sure, and there were sad times for what might have been under different circumstances but I felt HAPPY for the first time in my life. I knew what peace and contentment felt like. I looked forward to the day upon waking in the mornings. And now I feel like I've fallen backward off of a cliff and am plummeting toward that dark abyss once again.

Actually, to be honest, it doesn't feel as dark and overwhelming as it did previously so I HAVE made SOME progress obviously, but I still feel like I've taken several steps backward. My anxiety had been way down, my insomnia was finally mostly cleared up, I had very few nightmares and I just woke up feeling happy and peaceful every day. Best of all, my relationships with my dh and ds had improved greatly as I was no longer the impatient, sniping bitch that I was when NM was in my life.

These past few weeks, especially this last week, my insomnia is back with a vengeance, my nightmares are back, my anxiety is through the roof (though my panic attacks haven't come back as bad as they used to be). I wake up depressed instead of looking forward to the day and, worst of all, I can feel myself being all tense and impatient and have noticed myself sniping here and there again with my dh and ds. Dh is one thing, not that it's okay but he's an adult and can understand somewhat where I'm coming from and not internalize it so much. But my sweet ds, it absolutely KILLS me every time I yell or even just raise my voice at him a little and I see that sweet, precious face fall. Makes me feel like a giant ball of shit.

My biggest fear is that long-term damage will be done to ds. I would just DIE if I thought that he would grow up feeling the way I felt, like his mommy didn't love him and didn't care about him, wondering why he could never measure up or do the right thing, why nothing he said or did was ever good enough and felt like a small, stupid burden, unworthy of love and respect. I would truly shrivel up and die if I were the cause of that pain in him.

To try and compensate, whenever I catch myself yelling, I immediately apologize to him and tell him that I'm not mad at him, that mommy's just in a bad mood and irritable and that I love him so, so much - more than anything else in the entire world - and tell him what a GOOD boy he is and how PROUD I am of him and of being his mommy and how I will love him forever and always, no matter what. My T says this will go a long way toward staving off any lasting damage being done to ds. Still, I worry.

In speaking to dh yesterday, even he has said it's time to "shut it back down" with NM and I agree completely. I know it has to be done. In fact, I'm looking FORWARD to going back to the peace and tranquility of NC. Still....it's a little harder this time round because this time I know it's forever. I'll never hug my NM again, never hang out or visit with her, there will be no holidays spent together, no talks shared between us. The next time I see her, it will likely be her picture in the paper next to her obituary. That just hurts. It really, really hurts.

Yep. She's definitely playing games...

2011-08-09T10:16:00.000-04:00

Finally got an email in my inbox this morning from NM. Instead of a written email, it was an email forward titled, "Fwd: Card for You/ Reply Requested". When I read that I was like, "WTF is this?". I opened it and inside was a picture of a postcard type card with a cartoon puppy on it that reads:

"No matter where I am or what I am doing, when YOU come to mind, it shows on my face!"

Beneath that, it reads:

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

Now, you have a nice day.

God

God has seen you struggling, God says it's over. A blessing is coming our way. If you believe in God, please send to ten people (including me) please don't ignore this.

YOU HAVE 20 MINUTES TO TELL 10 FRIENDS/FAMILY (INCLUDING ME)

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this is a game to find out if I'll respond or not. Quite honestly, I am beyond sick of games at this point in my life and will not be responding unless and until she addresses the last email I sent her.

I've read all of the responses to my last post from all of you. I haven't responded myself yet because I didn't want to give away too much of what I'm thinking and feeling just in case NM or one of her FM's are lurking about. Suffice it to say, I know what I plan to do and a large part of that is to not give this bitch anymore space in my head for now. She wants to play games, fine. She can damn well play them with herself because I'm not interested.

STILL no word from NM...

2011-08-08T13:58:00.000-04:00

Am starting to get a little pissed. She sent her email around noon Friday asking what "we" could do about the situation with ds, basically asking if she could visit with him, and I responded at around 3pm telling her I wasn't comfortable with her seeing ds at this time, that she could send him a card or whatever and I could see if ds was willing to send her a short note back but, beyond that, it wasn't going to happen, especially given that she and I have only spoken 4 to 5 times via email and IM after nearly two years of no contact whatsoever.

As of now, I haven't gotten a response and, of course, my first inclination is to assume that NM was pissed that she didn't get the response she wanted and so is "punishing" me by giving me the silent treatment for a couple days before she responds. I'm inclined to think that her eventual response will go something along the lines of, "How much longer are you going to keep this up? I'd thought we'd been making some progress finally in our recent conversations only to find out now that we're right back where we started with you keeping ds from me." Granted, it won't be worded exactly like that but that's the basic gist of what I'm expecting.

Wish she'd just send it and get it over with already. I hate this waiting game.

I knew it was coming sooner than later...

2011-08-05T14:30:00.002-04:00

Got this email from NM earlier today...

Hi-have you seen Repticon advertised at the ***** arena? Just saw it on ***********. It's this weekend at the ***** Arena, and they have tarantulas, scorpions, and different lizards, etc. The lizard on the show was 6 feet long, and weighed 50 pounds. Very gentle, and was raised by his owner from birth-good with kids-(you need one for ds!!!) We're going to go tomorrow I think. It's $10. for adults, and $5. for kids. DS would probably enjoy this ya think? Just thought I'd let you know in case you wanted to take him. I hate crawly things, but this should be interesting-and something different to do!

How is my grandson doing? By the way...how have you explained my absense? I feel bad that I'm missing his growing up-I love that child with all my heart, and want him to know me, and love me back. What do you think we could do about this situation? I don't want to push you or force you to do anything you're not ready to do-but I don't want to miss his early years and want him and myself to have some kind of a relationship. Anyway-think on it, and let me know. I love you lots! XX

The thing that strikes me first and foremost is that we've only spoken just a few times - maybe 5 by now? - and I told her flat out just a few weeks ago that I was nowhere near ready to see her face to face at this time.........yet I'm supposed to arrange a visit with my ds for her? I can understand inquiring as to what I've told ds about her not being around. That seems a logical enough question. But really? Asking already to see ds when she and I have only spoken a handful of times and haven't even so much as spoken over the phone yet??!! Only an N would make such a ridiculous request!

And while I'd like to believe she's being sincere in saying how she loves my ds and wants a relationship with him, I know all too well that she's full of crap. If she loved him so much and wanted a relationship with him so badly, she'd have been willing to abide by dh's and my rules and visit with ds here at the house and gone through the necessary steps to earn back our trust. Bottom line, coming here to see him even though it wasn't ideal would have been better than not seeing him at all. Instead, being an N, because she couldn't have everything HER way, she walked away and we didn't speak to her for nearly TWO YEARS (in actuality it was about 19 months).

As for his "early years", ds is now 5 and starting Kindergarten in just a couple weeks so I think that boat has long since passed. The time to build a relationship with him would have been from birth up till now but, again, since she couldn't have everything HER way, she chose to pout and walk away. NOT my problem, nor was it my fault. And now that ds will be starting school, making friends and wanting to hang out with them more and more as he gets older, NM has missed her chance. Too bad, so sad. Not.

I plan to respond but I think I'm just going to be honest with her and say basically what I've just said above, though a bit more respectfully. (Not because she deserves it but because it's the sort of person I choose to be.) I'm sure she'll just throw a giant pity party because I "won't allow her" to have a relationship with her grandson and/or otherwise try to tell me why I'm being mean or unfair but, whatever.

I'll let you all know how it goes.

Cool slipcover giveaway from blogland...

2011-08-03T18:11:00.000-04:00

Kristin over at My Uncommon Slice of Suburbia has teamed with Ugly Sofa to offer an amazing giveaway. If your sofa(s) are ugly like mine, you could use a new slipcover (or three)! If you're interested, head on over and check it out!

Not sure WHAT to call this. A dream? A nightmare? Something else?

2011-08-03T10:57:00.000-04:00

**NOTE : Some parts of this may be sensitive or triggering to some people so just proceed with caution please.

You'll have to bear with me as I'm trying to put this all together and sort it out as I type it...

I awoke at 5am this morning from a nightmare. In the dream, it was dh and I along with several others and we were all in hiding. Aliens had invaded the earth (I know, sounds stupid to write it now but it was really scary in the dream!) and, at any moment, they may come to get us and take us away. Dh and I had ds but he wasn't with us in the dream. I remember going to dh at one point and asking him, if it came to it, to promise me that he'd help me kill ds and then kill me since I just couldn't deal with the thought of the aliens getting hold of him and I knew I couldn't survive without ds. The dream, or nightmare, switched then and there was this cat. It was hurt and I had to kill it to help put it out of it's suffering but the only thing I had was my bare hands. Without going into too much detail, I killed the cat and then cried because I felt sorry for it only to have my sadness turn into fear and revulsion when the cat starting moving in my hands again. It was at this point that I shot awake.

First thing I did was to check on ds who was, of course, sleeping and just fine. I went back to bed and had all these thoughts racing through my head. First and foremost, don't know where this came from, but it occurred to me that just as the aliens could come and kill me at any second, so it was living in that house growing up with NFOO. With a physically and verbally abusive stepjerk who easily weighed close to 300 pounds (I was a mere 120 pounds at my highest when I lived there), his ability to literally crush the life out of me was a very real possibility. Add to that NM and NSJ always making comments like, "We brought you into this world, we can take you out!" and other awful things like that, it seemed a very real threat indeed. I think this is also why I am so terrified of standing up to them - meaning NM and NSJ - because, in my mind, they hold my very life in their hands and, at any moment, can choose to end it. Of course, when I think this out in the daytime right now, it sounds rather absurd yet....the fear remains.

The second thing that occurred to me is that, just as I refused to surrender to the aliens and allow them to have ds and me in the dream, so that was in real life also. There is a little warrior inside of me who refused to allow NFOO to totally destroy me. Despite the hell that they put me through, I survived. Interesting thought - I would rather destroy myself than allow them to conquer and do God only knows what to me.

There was also some religious aspect to my thought processes afterwards but I can't really remember anymore what it was. What I DO know is that I have a bad anxiety reaction to people who are vehemently anti-God. Doesn't bother me at all if someone is atheist or non-Christian and polite/respectful about it, just when they get really aggressive and nasty about the fact that I am a Christian and believe in God. I'm certain this has a great deal to do with NSJ who, I believe, is evil. You can literally FEEL the evil rage seething off of him anytime someone dares to bring up the topic of God or religion around him. His comments can only be described as wasp-like and dripping with venom. Truly, I imagine he'd give the ole devil himself a run for his money in his hatred of God and anything religious.

All of these thoughts just seemed so completely PROFOUND to me this morning. I felt sick to my stomach, gut-punched, truly. I felt like I should be experiencing some sort of huge emotional release as well - crying, sobbing, shaking, etc. - but nothing came. I'm a bit nervous it may hit me later. I'm hoping if it does that it at least waits until dh is home so I don't freak out ds.

I'm curious to see if you all can get anything more out of it beyond what I've come up with already. It just felt so WEIRD. Still does. I feel slightly dizzy and like my skin is crawling, almost like there's some even more profound revelation there but my subconscious is doing everything it can to keep it under wraps.

*sigh* I wish so badly I had a therapy session today. I'd call but they just changed policy that any call over 10 minutes and you're billed as a session. Since money is VERY tight right now, I just can't afford it.

Anyone here with PTSD who's used EMDR?

2011-08-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

After I'd made an inquiry about EMDR and whether it would be helpful to me with regard to helping me overcome my PTSD, my T just got back to me earlier today after checking with a colleague of hers who specializes in EMDR therapy and apparently this other T feels I'd be a very good candidate for EMDR therapy.

I've looked at several sites online to try and find something out about EMDR - what specifically it is, what it entails, etc. - and everything seems to be quite technical and hard to understand. I generally prefer to have at least a vague idea of what I'm getting into before just jumping in head first so I figured I'd ask here and see if anyone was willing to share their stories and experiences regarding the EMDR process. Anything you're willing to share would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Introducing, my NM...

2011-07-29T12:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, not really, but the NM in this video might as well be my NM. (Part two of the clip can be found here.) They have the same facial expressions, the same tone, the same maddening denial of ANY responsibility whatsoever as well as that same mind-boggling complete and total cluelessness as to just what it is they did wrong. My NM has even used many of the same phrases, such as "I didn't know what to do" and "I never did anything to hurt you on purpose!". I also had to laugh at one point when the eldest daughter was talking about how her NM wore an off-white dress to her wedding. Guess whose NM did the exact same thing? (At the time, while out looking for a dress for NM to wear, she had shown me the dress and asked what I thought. I had suggested a couple other non-white dresses but NM seemed to like the off-white one the most so I, being a good little scapegoat at the time, supported NM in what SHE wanted despite the fact it was MY wedding. I'll have to see if I can find a pic, though I'll have to blur every one's face for privacy reasons...)

I had my dh watch these two clips last night when he got home from work. I told him that I wanted him to watch it and hear his thoughts. Beyond that, I said nothing as I didn't want to color his impression in any way. It was about half way through the second video when dh turned to me, eyes wide and mouth agape and said, "Oh my God! This is SO your NM!!!" LOL

I think the most infuriating thing watching this NM on Dr. Phil was seeing the total and complete lack of comprehension on her part as to just what she'd ever done wrong as a mother. In her own mind, and she even says as much on the show, she wasn't just a good mom, she was a GREAT mom. (Another thing, coincidentally, that my NM said except I believe she used the word "perfect" instead of merely "great". *eyeroll*) It is just crazy-making to me to try and conceive how any mother could NOT know that taking her child's bed away or saying to her, as my NM did to me once, that "having a relationship with you is more trouble than it's worth" is hurtful, cruel, wrong, abusive, sickening, etc. These N's clearly know enough about emotions to recognize their own anger and hurt, so why, then, is it so inconceivable to them that others feel similarly? How is it that another person - in this case, our NM's - see others as nothing more than a wooden chair or kitchen table, cold and without emotion? And if that's the case, that they see us as mere "things" instead of human beings, why do they then take the precaution to put on a nice facade for strangers, bosses, etc.?

*sigh* I suppose that, despite how infuriating it is to try and figure out, it's a good thing that we're unable to fully understand because it means that we aren't narcissists and don't think in crazy, dysfunctional ways.

Moving on, to give a mini update about the situation with my NM, I've decided to just take some time and give it some thought as to how I want to proceed. I think I need to really pay attention to all that I'm feeling and try and figure out exactly what it is I'm looking to get out of maintaining contact with my NM. If my expectations are realistic, then maybe it would be okay to continue limited contact with her. Likewise, if my expectations of what I hope to achieve are unrealistic, then it would be wise to walk away and go back to full NC again. In the meantime, I'm just going to take things as they come. My IM service is currently not working so NM can't contact me that way. As for any emails that may arrive, I'll decide whether to read and answer or not based on how I'm feeling at that moment.

Hope you're all having a great day and enjoy the upcoming weekend! It's forecast to be 100 here today which means, with the heat index or whatever, it'll likely feel like 120 outside. WAY too stinking hot for me! I'll be staying comfortably inside with my A/C!

DA

A few more thoughts on NM...

2011-07-28T12:11:00.000-04:00

Lest anyone think I've begun to lose my perspective, let me assure you that I am still fully aware of what NM's true nature is. Let's take a poisonous snake as an example. A snake will always remain true to it's nature and, at any moment, may strike. NM is no different really. Given half an opportunity, she will try to hurt me again and I know that as surely as I know my own name. Despite that knowledge however, there remains a tiny part of me who longs for more connection with a real mother. That being said, I have no illusions that she'll finally "come round" and become the mother I've always wanted.

I guess where part of my confusion comes in is in trying to figure out what the point is for me and is simply having some contact with NM just to know where she is, what she's doing, etc. enough? More to the point, is it worth it? Before, when I had zero contact with her, it just felt wrong somehow. Thinking of never seeing or talking to her again, knowing that the next time I heard about her or saw her would be when I saw her obituary in the local newspaper just felt wrong to me. So, when NM first contacted me via IM, I responded. Since then, we've had a few more chats and it's been okay. We generally talk about general stuff and I especially avoid anything that would give her an opportunity to hurt me.

The problem is, I'm no longer so sure that's enough for me. The little girl inside of me (and the adult part of me too, actually) longs to be able to talk to NM about how I feel, how it felt to hear back through the grapevine that she was smearing me, how it felt to know that my own mother would try to turn my own family against me, how it felt to be a virtual orphan because my four "parents" aren't worth a damn. I want her to listen to my pain and really hear what I have to say. Just to have her really HEAR me, even if she doesn't "get it", and to not respond with, "Well I'm not perfect" or "Well you don't think I'VE been hurt too??!!" would be nothing short of a miracle. But, of course, the hard reality is that I can't talk to her about any of that and I especially can't expect any sort of normal, logical response from her. I know with near total certainty that her response would be one of the two I just listed previously because it's always all about HER and how SHE feels and/or her shirking any responsibility whatsoever for the state of our relationship.

Even during the first chat I had with her, anytime I tried to make her accept responsibility she'd come back with, "Well you can't expect me to be perfect. I'm not perfect you know." If it wasn't that response, it was, "Well, you know, I'VE been very hurt by this whole episode too." and "You're not totally blameless either." Forget for a moment that she's right about the second comment, that I'm NOT 100% blameless truthfully, if only because I almost never spoke up and stood up for myself, that is completely beside the point. The point is that, by making such comments, she is trying to convince me she's accepting some form of responsibility when, in truth, she's doing the total opposite and making herself totally blameless, as usual.

I'd rather hear NO response from her than to have it thrown in my face how SHE'S been hurt too (the implication being BY ME) or how I can't hold her responsible because "she's not perfect".

*sigh* I just wish there was an easy answer in stuff like this or, at the very least, I wish I could completely take my emotions out of it.

Trying to make sense of what I'm feeling...

2011-07-27T16:29:00.000-04:00

Forgive me if this doesn't exactly flow and kind of rambles. That's kind of how my thoughts and feelings are on this subject so it's hard to get them organized at the moment.

Since having that IM convo with NM a few weeks ago, I've spoken with her two or three more times, all via Yahoo Messenger. Nothing major, just minor chit chat mostly, and I guess it's gone about as well as can be expected. Part of me wants to progress a bit and call her up on the phone but every time I start to do so, I hesitate. I just can't seem to get past (and not feeling I really SHOULD) all the pain and nastiness NM has caused me in the past. (And I'm speaking primarily of recent past here, like within the past 24 months, though of course the rest also figures in somewhat.)

I wouldn't mind being on friendly-ish terms with her but I just cannot get past the fact that my own mother could be so deliberately cruel and vicious when speaking about me, that she would deliberately attempt to turn my own extended family against me and that each time my name was brought up in conversation by one of them, NM would begin spewing her hate and venom about me. (During the period of NC with my NM, I was told by a couple of extended FOO members that the venom apparently started spewing when my name was mentioned. In an effort to spare my feelings, no details were ever given but I can imagine all too well the sort of things that were surely said).

Another problem is that I know full well NM is expecting things to proceed. She likely has this scene in her mind of me, dh and ds sitting in her living room on holidays and other family occasions. It's probably much like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting with us - NM, NSJ, NHS, NBIL and their two kids and dh, ds and I - all one, big, happy family. I know that will never happen. It's not even a question of maybe. It will not happen - not now, not ever.

In all honesty, I don't even know if I can ever progress to hanging out with her face-to-face again. I think about it from time to time and, in certain circumstances, I have to admit that, yes, it would be nice. However, the reality is that chatting via IM is one thing but talking on the phone and face-to-face interactions are a whole different ballgame. I don't want to be deliberately cruel regardless of whether NM "deserves it" or not and so I don't want to lead her on... Then again, I'm not even 100% sure where I see this "relationship" going so....?

I'm still glad I responded to her initial IM and that I got the opportunity to talk to her and catch up a bit. I guess I'm just feeling confused about where I want this relationship to go, what the point of proceeding (if any) would be, etc.

Oh, to have a normal mother instead of an NM! It sure would make things a HELL of a lot less complicated! LOL

Talked with IL's yesterday....

2011-07-13T21:45:00.000-04:00

I spoke with FIL first. I called over there to address an issue with ds. Can't remember if I'd mentioned this previously but ds had said to me the other day that while he liked going over to "nana" and "papa's" house, he wishes nana would come to his house like she used to. DS has a couple little imaginary friends, one of whom sometimes takes the form of his hand, who he calls "Thummy". Well, I had noticed that "Thummy" had been somewhat aggressive lately. Always hitting Jack and doing (pretend) bad things. Nothing terrible, but just out of character for my usually sweet and easy-going little man. So I began a line of questioning yesterday and eventually figured out that "Thummy" (who was speaking on behalf of ds obviously) was upset that nana was spending so much time with the new baby lately and not coming to see ds like she used to. When I asked ds if he felt "Thummy" might feel better if I arranged for her to come see him for a little while without the baby being around, ds enthusiastically said yes, that that would make "Thummy" very happy.

So anyways, I called over there to speak with my IL's about the issue with ds and FIL answered. For the record, I didn't get into anything about them and me or about "Wayne", just told him what ds had said to me and said I felt that it would mean a lot to ds if MIL could come here in the next couple days and spend time alone with him without the new baby around. FIL was kind of cold and snarky, which is unusual for him with me. He generally acts that way when he's pissed about something. He kind of snarked that MIL wasn't over there for the baby. Apparently SIL cannot be left alone until the blood clots in her brain are completely dissolved as there's still a risk of stroke. Well, dh and I did not know that as no one said anything to us and I told FIL as much. He went on to say - still being somewhat snarky and pissy - that MIL probably couldn't make it that day but he'd tell her what I'd said and see if MIL could get away for a couple of hours. I responded that while I get that they've been busy helping BIL and SIL out so much lately, that I'm just trying to do right by my own ds. I felt my ds was hurting and, as his mother, I want to try to alleviate that pain which was the purpose of my call. FIL said again he'd talk to MIL and then hung up.

MIL called a little while later - she'd been with SIL taking SIL to a doctor's check up - and she was especially cold and very "clipped" in her speaking with me. She immediately said, "Tell ds I'll try to get over to see him later today for a couple hours." I said okay and tried to say something more and she repeated the same thing. It was obvious to me she did not want to talk to me. I was able to get something in and MIL responded about the blood clots and that's why she had to be at SIL's side. When I told her what I'd told FIL, that we weren't aware of that, MIL seemed pissed that I didn't know. Whatever. We said our goodbyes and hung up.

After speaking with both of them and them both being rather cold and snarky, I felt more convinced than ever that they believed it all MY fault as to why dh didn't come visit "Wayne" when he was there, etc.

Around 4pm, I think it was, MIL arrived. She wasn't too cold but didn't seem interested in speaking to me so I just stayed out of her way, did my own thing and let ds enjoy his time with her. And, boy, was he ever happy to have his nana here all to himself! LOL Poor little guy didn't know what to do first. They'd start playing a game on his Nintendo DS and then he'd say, "I know! Let's go do this instead!" and he'd grab her hand and off they'd run to the other room to go do something else. Regardless of MIL's mood, it felt good to see ds so happy. Ironically enough, since spending time with his nana yesterday, "Thummy" has been back to perfect behavior.

Dh came home while his mother was still here and whispered to me if I'd said anything to her. I said no and he went back to say hello and hug ds. MIL started to leave about 35 minutes after dh got home and dh pulled her aside and talked to her. He told her that he should have mentioned it sooner, but that the reason he didn't want to come visit with Wayne was because of the creepy vibe he gives off, how we feel he's very inappropriate with children, what BIL told us about making his kids cry for kicks and how dh cannot STAND his passive-aggressive behavior, etc. MIL said she understood completely and by the time she left, she seemed back to her old self with me. I made sure to thank her for taking the time to come and visit with ds as I know she's been really busy helping take care of SIL and the baby. I said that it had obviously made ds very happy to spend time with her that day and, thus, it meant a lot to me that he was happy. She said, "You're welcome." and added that she wishes she had more time to come play with him here.

After MIL left, dh told me that MIL had told him that after Wayne had called here for like the 4th time (when he asked if we wanted him to come over and dh said we weren't up for company), he went directly to his keys and asked if anyone wanted to ride over here with him! MIL said, "NO, we don't. They just told you they're not up for company. If you want to go, you do it alone." According to MIL, Wayne then tried the "But I don't know where they live" line to which he was again told, "Too bad. You want to go after they told you not to come, you do it ALONE."

Dh then called FIL (after MIL left) and told him that the reason we didn't show had NOTHING to do with me and gave his reasons for choosing to stay away. FIL told dh that after dh had told Wayne that we weren't coming, Wayne made the comment to everyone (MIL, FIL, BIL and SIL), "What kind of doghouse does (dh's name) live in over there?" !!!! I've mentioned before that my dh is a very laid back, easy-going guy. He just doesn't really get mad or even upset very often. I don't think I have EVER seen dh as furious at someone as he's gotten at Wayne repeatedly the past few days. Had Wayne actually showed up over there that one night, I fear what dh might have done. Likely it would have come to blows and dh would have kicked Wayne's sorry butt all over our front yard. (Other than a couple minor schoolyard fights growing up, dh has NEVER hit anyone.)

I am SO glad - as is dh (and my IL's) - that Wayne and his kids are back in their home state and far, far away from all of us here. Even hearing his voice over the phone was enough to make my skin crawl the other night. I am SO glad I didn't have to be in close physical proximity to him.

There was one final, and very bothersome, report from MIL with regards to Wayne. Apparently his one young daughter sat in the hallway on a few occasions and repeatedly beat her head against the door as she rocked herself. It doesn't take an expert to know that that is a sign of extreme emotional distress, though I'm sure Wayne would label it tantrum behavior or something like that. Of course that's presuming he even notices it at all. I feel so bad for all his kids and wish so much there was something I could do to help get them away from their sorry excuse for a father. Their mother is still in the picture but is apparently worse than the dad as I understand. Such a sad, sad scenario. I just pray that someone eventually steps in and saves those poor kids.

I just continue to be floored by Wayne's horrid behavior. Refusing to accept no for an answer, being all weird in the way he behaved and spoke to all of us, abusing his children and then laughing when they cried, actually having the gall to think it would be okay to just show up here at our home after dh told him not to, labeling our home a "doghouse" and making me out to be this horrible wench of a wife to dh......He almost makes my malignant NP's look harmless as newborn puppies.

I get the feeling that the previous child abuse charges aren't the last the local police will hear of good ole Wayne.

Flipping PISSED...

2011-07-11T19:49:00.000-04:00

No, not at NM. At my IL's.

So here's the deal...one of dh's cousins (we'll call him "Wayne" as a means of protecting the guilty) came into town Saturday evening with his three kids from the Chicago area, I think it is. He just announced he was coming a couple weeks previous, didn't tell anyone WHEN exactly so no one knew specifically when to expect him. Anyways, so he calls a few minutes outside of town Saturday evening and says he's almost there. Now, it had been agreed, when ds went over to my IL's that morning, that they'd bring him home early as a) he went over there a bit earlier than usual and b) ds had requested to come home early so as to have time to play his new video game with dh and I. MIL tried to get me to let him stay til 8pm because "she wanted him to visit with Wayne and his kids". I said NO and insisted they have him back at 5:30pm. Now, before any of you think me over-reacting, let me tell you this...

Wayne and his wife split about a year ago. In recent months, he's been arrested and jailed for abusing his one baby daughter. Supposedly he left bruises all up and down her rear end after spanking her. In addition to that, the guy just gives off some VERY bad, creepy vibes. He just strikes me as totally inappropriate, specifically with regard to kids. For example, he recently posted a pic on FB of him in the bathtub with his young children. (He had a bathing suit on but the kids were nude.) I reported it to FB who made him take it down. I mentioned my feelings to dh and was kind of surprised to find he felt exactly the same way about the guy.

Anyways so dh's parents - mostly his mom - have been pressuring him to come visit and hang out with family, etc. Yesterday, dh and I were busy cleaning up our house. It was a total disaster what with cleaning out all our closets and then having to clear out various rooms to treat the carpet for fleas recently, etc. Not dirty, just really, really messy, ya know? So MIL calls yesterday and tries to guilt dh into coming over and he says that we're busy cleaning right now, maybe we'll come over later if we have time. Needless to say, we spent ALL day cleaning hard and were pooped though, to be honest, we wouldn't have gone over even if we hadn't been tired because, again, we don't like the guy and don't want to see him much less have our child around him. BUT, rather than be rude, dh just planned to say we were tired and would have to catch him next time he was in town and then give his parents the full disclosure later when Wayne was gone.

Well, the phone rings around 7:20pm last night and shows my IL's number so ds answers thinking it's them. (He always answers with the speaker phone so I can hear what's going on, be said, etc.) Turns out it was Wayne. Immediately Wayne sets in to ds - playing around but creepy like, ya know? - with "Why haven't you come to see me today?" DS, not knowing who it was or what to say, was all like, "I don't know." So then Wayne says, "Well tell your daddy to get dressed and bring you over to your Nana's to see me." I mentioned to dh that it was only an hour and a half until ds' bedtime and ds, hearing that, says to Wayne, "I can't. I have to go to bed in an hour and a half." Then, pissing me off royally, Wayne says to ds, "Oh, NO you don't! You can stay up! Tell your dad to bring you to see me. You need to come see me for a bit." At that point, I stood up to take the phone from ds because I do NOT like anyone trying to manipulate my kid and/or telling him he doesn't have to listen to his parents or adhere to the rules, etc. but then ds tosses the phone at dh and says, "I'm done talking." I followed to play with ds and left dh to handle the call.

Dh said we were just really tired and couldn't make it tonight, sorry we'd missed seeing him (Wayne) but we'd just have to catch him later. Then Wayne asks to speak to me. (I know...WTH, right?) Dh, strongly suspecting that they were all thinking it was ME who wouldn't let dh go visit over there and that Wayne was hoping to talk some sense into me, said, "She's right here. Here, I'll put you on speaker phone." Wayne, stammering at not knowing what to do, just said to me, "Hey." I said hello back and then he says that he just wanted to hear my voice and make sure I was okay. (Again, WTF???) I said, "I'm just fine thank you." and then excused myself and walked off. Dh hung up shortly after.

Not even a couple minutes later, the phone rings again and it's MIL wanting to know if we're coming over. (WTFH is WRONG with these people??!!) Dh tells her NO, says again that we're just both really tired and that we'll see Wayne another time. Shortly after that, he hangs up. Not even ten minutes after THAT, the phone rings AGAIN. It's Wayne again, wanting to know if it's okay if they all come over to OUR house. Dh says, "NO thank you. We're not up for company right now.", says goodbye and hangs up. A couple minutes later, you guessed it, it's Wayne again, this time laying the guilt on thick and pushing dh hard to bring ds over for just fifteen minutes. Dh, stupidly, agrees and says they'll be there shortly.

Upon hearing dh's end of the conversation, I say to him, "What did you just do?" He says that he agreed to take ds over there for 15 minutes. I stood my ground and said, "Absolutely NOT. NO WAY is ds going with you." I then asked dh, "All things aside, do you WANT to go over there and see Wayne?" Dh says to me, "Honestly? No. Not a bit." So I said to him, "Then don't go. Don't allow them to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do. If you WANT to go, then go but if you don't, stand your ground and tell them firmly NO." I also mentioned how he might want to consider that, despite his and my having said no several times already, that none of them had listened and kept pushing.

I read a book recently (the title slips my mind at the moment) from a guy who's worked with several law enforcement units, including the FBI, and who now helps people protect themselves. One thing that really stood out to me in that book was a quote that read something like, "When a person refuses to accept your no, they are trying to control you." I mentioned that to dh as well, he said, "You know what...you're 100% right." He called back and said he'd reconsidered and, sorry, but we wouldn't be coming after all.

Forward to today, not so much as a PEEP from my IL's which is HIGHLY unusual. They are usually calling here multiple times a day to talk to ds over the course of the day. So I KNEW something was up and that they were avoiding calling here, most likely to avoid speaking to me. Dh calls just a bit ago and says his dad called him at work and wanted to know if dh was coming over, that Wayne had stayed over another day and really wanted to see us and ds. Now, mind you, FIL would NEVER normally call dh at work unless it was an emergency - and even then he usually calls me - because he strongly feels that it's inappropriate to bother dh at work. In talking with dh, I asked him flat out if his dad had mentioned anything about me. Dh said no but I just have this feeling that there's something that WAS said but dh doesn't want to tell me, probably to spare my feelings or whatever.

I've suspected for some time, as I've mentioned to you all before I believe, that my IL's don't much like me and that they prefer a girl like my SIL. This was confirmed by me when I broached the subject with MIL under the guise of some rude comment NSM had made to me in that regard. Rather than deny that she feels that way, MIL instead made excuses/gave reasons why it was understandable she felt that way! Though he won't admit some comment was made, dh did state that he feels his parents think it's all MY doing that he didn't go over there last night, like I'm some kind of controlling wench who won't let her husband do as he pleases. As if! I have news for them, even if I WANTED to control dh in that way - which I most definitely do NOT - I couldn't. Dh has NEVER been a follower in all the 15+ years I've known him. He can be a peace-at-all-costs guy occasionally, but has always been one to do what he wants. Yes, he takes my feelings into consideration - as he should - but, ultimately, if he really wants to do something, he will, regardless of what I say.

At this point, I'm just done with my freaking IL's. The plan had been to sell our house and move out there and take over their house and they were to add on an attached IL suite. FIL had proposed the arrangement to dh as something that would help them out considerably as FIL wants to be out of town for long periods of time hunting and fishing but doesn't feel right about leaving MIL behind for such long stretches. This way, we'd be out there to keep an eye on things and to help in an emergency. It would be mutually beneficial though as dh and I would no longer have a mortgage payment, nor the amount of bills that we have now. Needless to say, we will NOT be moving out there!! To hell with doing them any favors! In fact, to hell with them altogether!

I will continue to encourage a relationship between them and ds because, at this time, I feel it's in ds' best interests and I will go over there and be pleasant and polite when required but I will NOT go out of my way for them anymore. I am who I am and, you know what? Dh married me BECAUSE I speak my mind and am not a doormat to him, not in spite of it! As much as I'd love to have their approval, I will NOT be someone I'm not and/or sell my soul to be just like my sister in law, wonderful though she may be (and is). If they don't like it, they can kiss my YANKEE ass. I am d-o-n-e, DONE with them both. Asshats!

Oh, forgot to mention the best part! Dh was talking to his BIL earlier via email and BIL sent dh this email about what went on when he went over to visit at my IL's house last night:

Swing by for 30 min and they will not bother you anymore. It's actually fun. I was about to bust a gut yesterday. Dad was picking on two of the kids and made one cry. A and T got the kids some gifts one of the boys got a crappy one and it didn't work. Wayne told him that they didn't love him as much as the others and that's why he got the crappy one. And he cried for a while. Sounds mean, kinda was.

Oh sure, let's go over to my inlaws' tonight and mentally and emotionally abuse some kids! Sounds like real fun! Nothing triggering for my PTSD there! Are you freaking KIDDING me??! Am so glad I wasn't there last night because I would NOT have been able to keep quiet and may well have gotten myself banned from their house permanently over that crap. Making kids cry for "jollies" is NOT "fun" in any context. It is SICK and FUCKED UP, not to mention sadistic and I seriously question the personality of anyone who believes otherwise. The ONLY reason I would continue to allow my son to be around FIL after this is because I believe that he would never treat his own grandchildren that way. Even still, I'm seriously questioning letting him be over there without dh or I present anymore.

So far, we haven't heard anything else from any of them over there. Dh thinks maybe they finally took the hint. I think they're just biding their time and we'll likely either hear from the tonight or MIL and FIL (and Wayne?) will show up unannounced tomorrow while they know dh is at work. I'm actually quite surprised they didn't call and give me shit today about not letting my dh go and see his family, blah blah.

Fucking assholes.

My thoughts on my convo with NM...

2011-07-09T14:05:00.000-04:00

Let's start with this comment:

DA, it has never been my goal in life-ever, to hurt you or make you feel bad. There's alot I just don't get, or understand about our relationship. One thing I can promise is that I will listen-and not "talk" over you.

On the one hand, I believe NM truly doesn't get it but, on the other, I think she knows exactly what she's doing. It's almost like there are two people inside of her - one part which can be nice and the other who is total malignant N. It's like the nice part of her wants to be a good mom and believes she loves me and that she'd never intentionally hurt me while the malignant part does everything it can to hurt me and knows full well what it's doing. I think that the reason she allows herself to conveniently forget is because her mind couldn't handle the full realization of the truth. In all honesty, I think having to face the full brunt of the truth would send her over the edge into a complete mental breakdown. The truth simply cannot coexist with her dysfunctional version of reality.

Moving on, just after I confront her about the things she, NHS and NSJ have said over the past 18 months during their smear campaign against me, NM responds with this comment:

NM:As much as I love you-our past conversations have been frustrating don't you think? I'll work on it with you, but please just don't expect me to be perfect. I am who I am-just as you are who you are. We both have to learn to except each other the way we are-crazy or not! Re: your last comment-I don't know who's been talking to you, but NHS and NSJ know that I'm not going to tolerate any bad-mouthing. At first-yes, but no one says anything to me at least, and NHS doesn't really talk to Aunt N or GM.

First and foremost, she doesn't acknowledge any wrongdoing on her part. She knows as well as I do that she did say the things I just accused her of. The fact that she didn't deny it proves it, at least in my eyes. Instead, it's once again the comment that dealing with me is "frustrating". A few years ago, I'd gotten one of those emails that you're supposed to forward to all your friends asking them to describe you in one word. My NM's word that she sent back was, you guessed it, "frustrating". While I agree with her completely that our previous interactions have indeed been "frustrating", it is not for the same reasons that she would state I'm sure.

Her next comment is that she's not perfect and "she is who she is". In some ways I suppose this comment is very true. Without knowing it, she is, in effect, saying that I can't expect a normal, healthy relationship from her, a dysfunctional, unhealthy narcissist. Of course, her actual intention with these comments is to shirk any responsibility and blame, both past and future. What I think of as normal, caring, respectful behavior, NM considers excessive and my asking her to be "perfect". In her mind, she's just fine and I, as her daughter, should just "except" (accept) her for who and what she is.

Her final comment in this part of the conversation is to say that supposedly NHS and NSJ know that she's not going to tolerate any badmouthing of me. Well, AT FIRST, okay but not anymore apparently. Then she says that no one says anything to her and that NHS doesn't speak to Aunt N or GM really anyway, which isn't exactly true. Since I know what has been said to me directly and in my presence by NHS and NSJ (and NM on occasion), I have no doubt that the vicious comments and smears made against me by NHS, NSJ and NM are true. I also don't buy for a second that NM "doesn't tolerate any badmouthing" of me by her mental case dd and dh. NM can try to convince me otherwise all she wants but I know the sort of person she is.

NM:I'm sitting here trying to say the right things to you. I can't believe that your name popped up under (nephew's) name. I didn't know if it was a joke or not.

This is part of the problem I had with NM previously. She was always saying how she was always (supposedly) trying so hard to say and do the right things, the things *I* wanted her to say/do. The thing she doesn't get is that I just want her to be respectful and nice. Once, when I said as much to her, she said to me, "I don't understand what you mean." When I repeated, "Just be NICE.", she responded again, "But what does that MEAN?" I now believe that this is the NPD part of her. Lacking the empathy that gives normal people the ability to understand how certain words and actions can hurt another person's feelings, NM doesn't understand what I'm talking about when I tell her certain words and actions on her part hurt me and cause me pain. It's like there is no "mean" and "nice", everything just IS.

DA-again, I'm not perfect. However, you've never been 100% the one at fault, but neither one of us are totally blameless. I've been wrong talking about your dad and NSM-hopefully I will keep my mouth shut. Let's try to start over and be totally honest with each other. If I say or do something wrong-tell me at that moment what I'm doing etc.

Again with the "You can't hold me responsible because, after all, I'm not perfect!" excuse. This time it was because I attempted to hold her responsible for her previous acts of shirking responsibility and placing all the blame on me and my NF. She then takes it a step further and tries to assign a large portion of the blame for the way things are between us on me. Not surprising. The thing is I have never, in all my life, ever expected her to be perfect nor have I ever stated anything to that effect. I also have never said that I am 100% blameless. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes and I am no exception. But while I may be responsible for some of the blame, it is a very small percentage. In this instance, it is NM, NHS and NSJ who bear the brunt of the blame for the way things are between them and I.

I will give her credit where credit is due though.She DOES admit some wrongdoing - even if only barely - to badmouthing my NSM and NF to me, though her comment of "hopefully I will keep my mouth shut" [in the future] seems to leave wiggle room for her to shirk blame for any future bad behavior in that area.

Regarding her comment of my telling her when she's doing something wrong, if you read through the previous posted transcript of the conversation, you'll know I told her that we'd been there, done that before and it didn't work. Anytime I've attempted to confront her in the moment in the past, she's had one excuse after another why I'm wrong, why I shouldn't feel that way or why it's otherwise not her fault and she's not in the wrong. Mind you, that won't stop me from calling her out on her bad behavior in the future. Just because she'll still make excuses and shirk responsibility for her bad behavior doesn't mean I'm going to just turn over and let her get away with it. Sad for her but if she thinks I was "frustrating" before, she's in for a whole new definition of "frustrating" with the new, healthier me! LOL

LOL Then we come to the infamous eyebrow comment. NM writes:

NM:Guess what I did the first of the year?...had my eyebrows fixed, so they look more even! Did it hurt-hell yes!!!

Right in the middle of my talking about some very serious issues - that my feelings toward her are NOT a result of anything my NF has said but 100% due to my interactions with her, period - she makes a comment about her stupid eyebrows. Really?! I have to laugh though as it's so utterly and completely N of her to make such a comment at such a time. (For the record, as someone commented about her having had her eyebrows waxed, she didn't have them waxed, she had minor plastic surgery to fix her previously droopy eyelids.) Previously, before NC that is, I probably would have gotten super pissed or been hurt by this type of comment but now, to use NM's own words, she is who she is. Now that my expectations are on par with who she is, these things don't really get to me anymore.

It was about this point in the conversation that I felt NM was getting way ahead of herself and taking my tiny handout of speaking to her and running with it full speed ahead. I wanted to be clear about how I felt and so I told her, quite clearly and bluntly, that my speaking to her did not mean I was ready to jump back into a relationship with her head first and added that I also was not ready to see her face to face or speak on the phone yet but I did say I was okay with sending emails here and there. NM's response to that was:

NM:I understand what you're saying. I really would love some pics of ds. He must be getting so big now. I miss you and him very much. I can only promise you that I will listen-with both ears. I don't know if I'm ready to see you on a daily basis yet either. I have been hurt by this episode-very much. I resent (your dh) on the last time I saw him. I understand that he was defending you-still didn't like his playing "therapist" with me. I also will never be friendly toward MIL and FIL again. For MIL being so religious-that's a crock! I will never trust them again!

First, my guess is to save face since I called her out on getting carried away, she says that she doesn't know if she's ready to see me yet either, though she says she's not ready to see me "on a daily basis" whereas I said I wasn't ready to see her face to face. This tells me that my previous assumption that she was taking my talking to her as, "Oh good. Finally DA is ready to stop being silly and has come to her senses! Now things can go back to the way they were again!" was spot on. Previously, NM and I had spoken pretty much on a daily basis and she was constantly popping in on her way to or from somewhere, using my house as a rest stop to use the bathroom and make herself a cup of tea before heading on to wherever.

Anyway, then NM moves on to saying that she has also been hurt by this "episode". While I thing that feeling hurt by such circumstances is understandable, the point is that I've just opened myself and revealed my pain to her and all she can think to respond is, "Well what about MY pain? I've been hurt too, you know!". So NOT the response of a healthy, functional parent.

As to NM's comment about resenting my dh, she's been saying she feels that way toward him for some time now. Why? Because dh doesn't buy into her bullshit and, thus, NM isn't able to control and manipulate him the way she does with others. I don't think I have to tell any of you that dh did not "play therapist" with NM the last time we all talked back in January of 2010. He did act as mediator to an extent and called both NM and I out on a couple of occasions when we were getting too emotional and straying from the topic at hand. Beyond that, he acted as any husband should - he defended and supported me, his wife.

NM is just pissed that dh can't be manipulated into siding with her against me. Which, coincidentally, is precisely why she now hates my IL's. When I first went NC with her, NM tried in vain to get my IL's to side with her. She called up FIL and cried the blues about how she had a gift for ds and could she drop it off and he'd give it to ds since I wouldn't talk to her? She used her best "woe is me" act. FIL, being a generally nice guy, said no problem. Once NM arrived, she paraded NHS' two kids around to my IL's and said, "Do this kids look abused to you?" in reference to dh's and my refusal to allow NM to take ds out on her own, which was NM's main bone of contention with us. (Her own fault that she lost the privilege due to repeatedly going against our wishes and abusing the privilege back when she still had it.) NM, quite cunningly, attempted to get my IL's to agree to let her see ds behind dh's and my back when ds visited my IL's at their house. IL's said she was welcome to visit THEM any time but did NOT agree to let NM see ds against our wishes. My IL's have also stood firm and repeated dh's and my wishes and feelings to NM whenever NM has tried to lie and badmouth dh and I. Because of all of this, NM claims my IL's have "mistreated" her and betrayed her trust. As with dh, NM is just mad they won't allow themselves to be manipulated by her and fall for her bullshit.

NM's final comment to me was:

NM:I guess I will go and start dinner-I still hate to cook. I hate to say goodbye - I love you so very much and want to make this work for you and me. I have asked grandma or Aunt N from time to time about (dog's name)-nobody knew anything. My granddog! Give ds and the dog a hug from me. Take care of you and we'll talk again whenever you're ready-you write me when you want to. I'm willing to talk whenever you want to. Hey..we've just had a conversation and no problems! See we can do it. Love Mom XX

The very final comment of "Hey...we've just had a conversation and no problems! See we can do it." rankled me only slightly but, otherwise I found the rest of our talk to be okay. I believe that SHE believes she genuinely loves me but I think the truth is more she loves me to the best of her ability. Because of the NPD, she's not able to truly love me unconditionally, the way I love my son. And, once again, I need to give credit where it's due. She does say that we'll talk again whenever I'm ready and for me to write when I want to. Of course, if past behavior is any indicator - and we all know that it is - chances are this is more of her saying what she thinks I want to hear. I give it a handful more conversations between us and her impatience is going to start showing and the questions of "When can I see ds already?" will start.

I think this can work and I can maintain what I have with her now but it's going to take work. It will mean keeping my expectations of her very, very low and maintaining a healthy balance between my mind and my heart. It would be all too easy to allow myself to just surrender and believe what she says despite the fact that I know much of it is untrue and know her true nature. As it was during our conversation the other day, I need to make sure that I walk that fine line between standing my ground and enforcing my boundaries without allowing myself to be sucked back in emotionally where I start getting into old habits and defending, justifying, excusing, etc. I need to be vigilant about what I say and not sharing things that are too personal with NM.

As I think about the type of relationship I'm describing, it occurs to me that rather than a real, functional relationship, I'm talking about more of an empty husk. If any of you know anything about tarantula spiders (I personally HATE spiders but know a little bit due to working in a pet store for a while as a teenager), you know that they periodically molt their outer skin/shell. The shed part looks exactly like a dead tarantula spider but is really a dried out, empty husk of the real thing. I suppose my new relationship with my NM will be like that. At this point in my recovery though, I think that's okay. I know now that I can never have the relationship with my NM that I'd like to, but I think that having her in my life, even in some barely there capacity, is better than not having her in my life at all. The way it was before, never knowing if I'd ever see or speak to her again, just felt wrong somehow. Beyond the obvious I mean. It just didn't seem right FOR ME and my life that it truly was all said and done, that I'd never see her or speak to her again. It didn't seem acceptable to me. This, I think I can live with. It's far from perfect obviously but it's okay.

A transcript of my IM convo with NM yesterday...

2011-07-08T17:21:00.000-04:00

Jul 07 5:04 PM

NM:Hello!

Jul 07 5:06 PM

Me:Hi.

Jul 07 5:06 PM

NM:Happy Birthday-belated, but all the love is there! I miss you XX

Jul 07 5:06 PM

Me:Thank you. I miss you too.

Jul 07 5:07 PM

Me:And of course I love you.

Jul 07 5:07 PM

NM:Are we ever going to be together again? I miss my antique shopping buddy

Jul 07 5:09 PM

Me:I don't know. Honestly, I've thought many times of contacting you but I just cannot go back to the way things were. I don't like feeling like I'm never good enough, that no matter what I do, it's wrong. It hurts.

Jul 07 5:10 PM

Me:I tried so hard, so many times to get you to understand but it always seemed to be about YOU. I get where you're coming from in some ways but, in others, I just feel like when is it ever about ME, MY pain, MY feelings, etc.?

Jul 07 5:11 PM

Me:I try to tell you - all four of you, I mean - how I feel and all I ever seem to get in response is, "Oh yeah, well what about ME? Haven't *I* been hurt?" I don't dispute that but I need to be heard too.

Jul 07 5:13 PM

NM:DA, it has never been my goal in life-ever, to hurt you or make you feel bad. There's alot I just don't get, or understand about our relationship. One thing I can promise is that I will listen-and not "talk" over you.

Jul 07 5:15 PM

Me:I want so badly to believe that but, if I may be perfectly honest here, it's hard to accept that when all that you, NSJ and NHS have been saying about me the past couple years gets back to me. I am not a liar, I am not a thief and I've certainly never attempted to destroy anyone's life, nor does anyone have any reason to stay away from me. And while I may have anxiety issues and have recently been diagnosed with PTSD, I do NOT have serious mental issues that would also warrant my being labeled "dangerous" to be around or associate with.

Jul 07 5:20 PM

Jul 07 5:22 PM

Me:I've gotten reports back, mostly early on, from pretty much everyone on our side of the family and, for a long time, everyone except nancy refused to speak to me. Aunt S still will have nothing to do with me and while I do speak again with Uncle C and GM, it's very tentatively.

Jul 07 5:22 PM

NM:and they have said that to me also.

Jul 07 5:23 PM

Me:Yes, our conversations have been frustrating. For the record, I've never expected you to be perfect and I don't now. I'm not going to go back into all my issues with you because I've said it all before and you should know by now how I feel.

Jul 07 5:24 PM

NM:Aunt S doesn't have much to do about anyone besides her dh, and now her 2 new babies-new grandchild (so cute), and her new puppy.

Jul 07 5:24 PM

Me:They've said that I've badmouthed you? Because I have not said a thing to anyone. I have mentioned a couple things to Aunt N early on but it wasn't badmouthing, just stating the facts as I saw them. In fact, I've gone out of my way NOT to badmouth you to anyone, and that includes ds.

Jul 07 5:25 PM

NM:NO, No nobody has badmouthed you to me.

Jul 07 5:25 PM

Me:Oh.

Jul 07 5:27 PM

NM:I'm sitting here trying to say the right things to you. I can't believe that your name popped up under (nephew's) name. I didn't know if it was a joke or not

Jul 07 5:29 PM

Me:That's kind of the thing. I don't want you to say something because you think it's what I want to hear. I want you to speak from your heart and I want us to be open and honest with one another. The part I can't handle is the constant criticisms, the defending NSJ and NHS and their actions to me, the blaming of everything that is wrong between you and I as being totally and 100% mine and my dad's fault and you 100% blameless.

Jul 07 5:30 PM

Me:You sat here in my living room back in January of 2010 and stated flat out that you have never done anything wrong besides allowing me to abuse and disrespect you. It's ALWAYS mine and my dad's fault with you, always and that's just not reality.

Jul 07 5:31 PM

Me:Be right back. Gotta pee.

Jul 07 5:32 PM

Me:Okay. I'm back.

Jul 07 5:35 PM

Me:For the record, I think you have good reason to feel about my father the way you do. I don't deny that and even understand it far better than you think. But I do not now, nor have I ever treated a person, you included, badly because someone else told me I should. I don't talk to my dad about you (actually, I don't talk to him at all anymore, if I'm to be honest) and I wouldn't tolerate him badmouthing you anymore than I tolerated you talking badly about him. I love you both equally and it hurts me to hear the other spoken badly about even if it was/is the truth, deserved, etc.

Jul 07 5:36 PM

Me:My feelings toward you are 100% based on my interactions with you. Period.

Jul 07 5:37 PM

NM:DA-again, I'm not perfect. However, you've never been 100% the one at fault, but neither one of us are totally blameless. I've been wrong talking about your dad and NSM-hopefully I will keep my mouth shut. Let's try to start over and be totally honest with each other. If I say or do something wrong-tell me at that moment what I'm doing etc.

Jul 07 5:37 PM

Me:Just as my feelings toward dad are 100% based on my interactions with him and a result of his actions/behavior.

Jul 07 5:37 PM

NM:You're writing faster than me!!!!!!!!!

Jul 07 5:39 PM

NM:Guess what I did the first of the year?...had my eyebrows fixed, so they look more even! Did it hurt-hell yes!!!

Jul 07 5:40 PM

Me:I've admitted that I'm not 100% blameless and I don't think I've ever said that I was. As to my telling you in the moment when you've done something to upset me, we've tried that before and it did not work. You either told me why I was wrong, why I shouldn't feel that way or it was, "Well you don't think you upset me too?!" (Sorry if that's harsh but I'm trying to be 100% honest here.)

Jul 07 5:41 PM

Me:Before you get too far ahead of yourself here, I want to state flat out that my talking to you here today does not mean that I'm ready to jump back into things with you again. I'm also not ready to see you yet or talk on the phone. I would feel okay however with the occasional email being sent back and forth or with sending you some pictures of my house, ds, etc.

Jul 07 5:43 PM

Me:I've only just started back with a new therapist in recent months and been diagnosed as having PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I've addressed the topic of getting back in touch with you with my therapist and she said that she thinks it's totally possible but it's going to take time and I still need time to heal and work on myself. I spent too long trying to please everyone else and putting everyone else ahead of myself and my health has suffered for it. I need to do this for myself and I hope you can understand and respect that.

Jul 07 5:50 PM

Jul 07 5:53 PM

NM:Re: the eyebrows...not the eyebrow itself-but the fatty piece beneath it.

Jul 07 5:54 PM

Me:I'm sorry you've been hurt. That was never my intention. When I walked away, I did so NOT to hurt you or get at you but because it was what I needed to do FOR ME. As you said, dh was just defending me but I wouldn't take it personally. Lest you forget, he admonished me a few times during that conversation too! As for my IL's, they have their issues but they love me and FIL especially is protective of me. I will say that other than reporting back things that were said, they've never been malicious or badmouthed you in any way. FIL said he's seen you and NSJ in (grocery store) several times and always says hey.

Jul 07 5:54 PM

Me:Oh, I thought you meant you'd had them tattooed or something! LOL I bet they look nice. Glad you were finally able to have them done. I know you'd been wanting it for a while.

Jul 07 5:55 PM

Me:Don't know if you heard but BIL and SIL just had a little boy a few weeks ago. His name is B and he is ADORABLE. SIL had bad complications, including a stroke and we almost lost her. Thankfully, our prayers were answered and SIL is back at home enjoying her new baby with BIL.

Jul 07 5:57 PM

NM:I"m very sorry to hear about SIL's troubles, but glad to hear that she's well now and has a baby. FIL has spoken to NSJ, but I've walked on past him-he's never said anything to me

Jul 07 5:58 PM

NM:How old is the baby?

Jul 07 5:58 PM

Me:3 weeks.

Jul 07 5:59 PM

NM:OMG! that's so young-I thought you meant that this happened a while back!

Jul 07 5:59 PM

Me:No. She just got home a few days ago.

Jul 07 5:59 PM

Me:She had a leak in her spinal fluid which triggered a seizure and then had four small blood clots in her brain which cause a very minor stroke.

Jul 07 6:00 PM

Me:She seems back to normal now but can't drive due to the seizures.

Jul 07 6:00 PM

Me:She's not having anymore but just in case.

Jul 07 6:01 PM

Me:Don't know if you've seen any recent pictures of me but I've lost about 50 pounds now. I now weigh less than I did at my wedding. In fact, my wedding dress is slightly big on me! I had to go buy a bunch of new clothes and take in a lot of my old ones. I'm a 12/14 now, down from a 18/20.

Jul 07 6:03 PM

Me:MIL's mom also died recently. I think it's been 3 months now? We miss Nanny a lot. Apparently she had a stroke and then another more severe one and just never recovered.

Jul 07 6:04 PM

NM:It seems that NSJ and I may be doing some traveling again this summer/fall. There's quite a large (huge amount) of gas to be gotten out of the West by God Virginia area and so NSJ may be sent up thar, but I'd stay with grandma. Or, they're sending some guys up to Vancouver again-ton of work there-time will tell. I did see that you'd lost weight, and that you've let your hair grow long! The last pic I saw of you was just a small one at grandma's last summer-you look great!

Jul 07 6:05 PM

Me:Thanks. Actually, I've cut my hair shorter again. I really liked it long but it took so long to blow dry and style so I got it cut shorter again.

Jul 07 6:06 PM

NM:I knew Nanny died-Aunt N told me. That's the only thing she HAS told me!!!

Jul 07 6:07 PM

NM:Actually-I've gained weight! Not a whole lot-but too much for me!!!

Jul 07 6:07 PM

Me:We're actually planning to move out to (nearby town), the sooner the better for me. I've had it with this house. IL's are giving us the title to their house and will be adding on a small, attached inlaw suite with it's own living, kitchen, bath and bed areas so it'd be kind of like a duplex arrangement. MIL will be over at BIL and SIL's most of the time taking care of B when SIL goes back to work in another 4 weeks or so and FIL plans to go out of town for long periods hunting and fishing. We're going to take the money we get from this place and totally overhaul their place and make it our own, plus by new furniture, etc. Probably the closest we'll ever get to building our dream home.

Jul 07 6:08 PM

NM:I'm going to start back to the gym and look into the Zumba classes!

Jul 07 6:08 PM

Me:We're just waiting for the property at the beach to sell so FIL has the funds to use for the addition and then we're putting this house up for sale and getting the hell out of dodge. I've been VERY busy completely redecorating the house the past year or so and have been working extra hard lately to finish up little things here and there.

Jul 07 6:09 PM

Me:I'd considered taking a Zumba class. It looks fun. I plan to start back with bellydance as soon as I have some money again, but not with D or J.

Jul 07 6:10 PM

NM:That sounds great about the house-best part is no mortgage-or at least a large mortgage. I can't fault them for being good to you guys-you're very fortunate.

Jul 07 6:11 PM

Me:Yes, we are fortunate. Their house is paid off so we'd get to put that money into savings and build up our savings again. Since dh's boss cut insurance coverage for me and ds, the premiums eat up a lot of our extra money. Then we needed an extra car since ds is starting kindergarten this year which eats up the rest.

Jul 07 6:12 PM

NM:I considered belly dancing again-but I had to stop because it was killing my back. What kind of car did you get?

Jul 07 6:12 PM

Me:Aside from a minor speech issue - stuttering - ds is actually showing that he may be gifted. We're looking forward to the formal testing coming up this year so we'll know for sure.

Jul 07 6:13 PM

Me:We got a ----- truck from a girl dh works with who's going through a divorce and wanted to unload it. We got it for half what it's worth. We lucked out big time.

Jul 07 6:13 PM

NM:That's wonderful! on both accounts!

Jul 07 6:14 PM

Me:(Dog's name) is still hanging in there, poor old girl. She's not doing so good anymore though. She's on mega pain meds for hip dysplasia and arthritis pain and also has Cushing's disease ontop of the lymphoma she was found to have when we had that lump biopsied a few years back. Then, this last big snow, she blew out her left rear knee so now has a permanent limp and can no longer get up onto the couch or into the car by herself. She's still quite spunky though and isn't showing any signs that it's time quite yet so Dr. B just agrees to keep her comfy until the time comes.

Jul 07 6:20 PM
NM:I guess I will go and start dinner-I still hate to cook. I hate to say goodbye - I love you so very much and want to make this work for you and me. I have asked grandma or Aunt N from time to time about (dog's name)-nobody knew anything. My granddog! Give ds and the dog a hug from me. Take care of you and we'll talk again whenever you're ready-you write me when you want to. I'm willing to talk whenever you want to. Hey..we've just had a conversation and no problems! See we can do it. Love Mom XX

~~~

And there you have it. Our IM convo. There were a couple of things that jumped out at me but I'll post my feelings on that in a separate post later on. I have this stupid headache right now that won't seem to go completely away and it's driving me nuts!

Spoke to NM earlier today!

2011-07-07T22:10:00.000-04:00

Was typing an email to my friend and Yahoo messenger popped up with a "Hey!" from NM. I sat staring at it blinking on my screen for several minutes before typing back, "Hi." We chatted a bit back and forth, mostly neutral stuff. I'll post the whole convo later. Right now, I'm just trying to process what exactly I'm feeling. I know I'm not upset and I felt pretty calm while talking to her. I had zero problem standing my ground on the few things she said that I didn't agree with and wasn't about to let her slide with. I was respectful but calm. At one point she started talking like, "See. We can get along with one another! If you'll just be honest with me and tell me when I do something that upsets you, blah blah" and I nipped it right there and said, "Before you run away with yourself, I want to make it clear that just because I'm talking with you right now does NOT mean I'm ready to jump back into a relationship with you. I am in no way ready to see you at this time, nor do I wish to speak with you on the phone. I think I would be okay with sending emails back and forth a few times a year but, for right now, that's as much as I am willing to give and there are no promises." I made it clear that while I did love her and missed her in some ways, that I would NOT under any circumstances, go back to the way things were before.

She said she loved me and never meant to hurt me and I responded that while I'd love nothing more than to believe that were true, that it was hard given all the seriously negative comments that have gotten back to me over the last couple years from her, NHS and NSJ. She said that she had told everyone she didn't want to hear any badmouthing of me - not so sure I buy that at all - and then added, "I mean, at first, yeah, but not anymore".

There were a couple more comments about how she's not blameless but neither am I and how she's been hurt in this whole thing but, overall, we stuck to general topics and things went okay. Dh read it and then we talked about it and he said he's really proud of me. He said I managed a good balance of standing my ground on things but not allowing myself to get sucked back in to defending myself and becoming overly invested.

Overall, I guess I'm glad I talked with her. There is a measure of relief that that first reconnect is over with and I feel confident that I can handle further contact should I desire to do so. I don't know where I'll go from here. If I ever do resume some measure of contact, it will likely be an email relationship where we chat a couple times a month and any face-to-face contact will likely be restricted to only once a month at the most. For now, I'm just going to give it a few days. If I still feel like emailing her, then I will and if I don't, I won't. :o)

Birthday to me...

2011-07-05T21:01:00.000-04:00

Today's the big day, the day I turned the ole three five. It started out well enough with dh and ds wishing me a Happy Birthday and giving me a nice card and a little MP3 player I'd been asking for. I logged online expecting there to be SOMETHING from SOMEONE and was crushed to see zip, zero, NADA anywhere. No emails, no comments on Facebook, nothing. Another check against the ole N FOO.

A little later in the day, I came back home with ds after going out to pay a bill and run a quick errand to find a message on the answering machine from my step-aunt wishing me a happy day. When I checked online, I found an email from my eye doctor, one from my chiro and another from our old mortgage company wishing me a Happy Birthday. An hour or so after that, I got a call from our new insurance agent wishing me the best on my special day. By this time, it is after 2pm and still no word from N FOO. I mean, really, is it THAT much trouble to write two words - Happy Birthday - on my Facebook wall or something? (It was around this point that good ole aunt N posted a very nice message on my FB wall wishing me happy day. At least SOMEONE in that side of the family cares.)

When I checked the mail later, I found a card from NF and NSM. It was some long, drawn out, uber-religious card (again, nothing against religion in and of itself, it's just annoying and offensive coming from such total hypocrites as NF and NSM) that contained nothing and said only, "We Miss You, NF and NSM". Really? Yeah, I can tell. NOT. Seems to me if they truly cared, even HALF as much as they'd like me to believe they do, they'd have acknowledged my hurt feelings when they were in town, offered a sincere apology and followed it up by trying not to repeat their bad behavior. Furthermore, they'd have tried to make amends instead of being only too eager to allow me to walk away and not speak to them anymore. Yeah, they care alright. Just enough to send a stupid card full of fake sentiments that they clearly don't feel and throw in a little birthday guilt trip for good measure.

FINALLY, after 5pm, I see another message on my FB wall from my other aunt (who I'm not really close to but who likes to play like the family is so close and loving) wishing me a happy day and nearly an hour after that, I get a phone call from my MIL wishing me Happy Birthday, though only AFTER she'd called and chatted with 5 year old ds for a few minutes.

When dh came home and saw I was upset, he naturally asked what was wrong and so I told him all of the above. He didn't come right out and say as much really but his general comments and tone seemed to say that he doesn't get what the big deal is. So what if no one wished me a Happy Birthday first thing today and waited until later in the day? And of course I felt like a big selfish jerk for feeling hurt, etc.

The thing is, yet again it feels like I'm bottom priority to everyone. It's not that I expect to always be in the spotlight but, geez louise, how much effort does it take to just type a two sentence email and hit send or call someone up and say, "I can't really talk right now but I just wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday today."? Or, as I said earlier, to type "Happy Birthday" on my Facebook wall, since they're all on FB? They've all been online off and on all day yet they didn't even think to write Happy Birthday to me until almost the end of the day? And what the hell does my MIL have to do that she was so busy all day? She's retired, BIL and SIL are back and home so MIL no longer has to worry about caring for the baby and MIL has never been one to keep a clean house (it's generally picked up of stuff but, if you look up close, it's DIRTY). Aside from catering to FIL, what was so consuming that she couldn't be bothered to call earlier or shoot me a quick message on FB?

I'm just so sick of having it thrown up in my face time and time again that of all the people in my life, it's those who aren't even related to me or that I don't even truly know and have never met (like you all here or the lovely ladies over at the DoNM board) who care enough to bother themselves with saying something as small as "Hope you have a Happy Birthday!".

I get it already. No one cares (meaning in my N FOO and IL family, not including dh and ds who obviously DO care very much). I don't matter and I'm obviously not worth anyone's time. Thanks a bunch for throwing it in my face yet AGAIN. Just one more year of Happy fucking Birthday to me.

Thoughts of contacting NM...

2011-06-27T15:28:00.000-04:00

I keep going back and forth on this but I keep coming back to feeling a desire to contact NM again. To be clear, I am NOT thinking of completely undoing all of NC but having more extreme LC. Basically, I've been considering having a strictly email/letter relationship for now and see how things go. I feel I'm at a place where I could handle that much and maintain my individuality as well as enforce my boundaries with her. The thing is, every time I get to where I think I've decided I'm going to do it, I can't help but remember all the things NM has done to me over the years, most specifically since going NC with her. The lies, the smear campaigns, trying to turn my own family against me - and succeeding on that front to a good measure - telling people how I'M a liar, a thief and how she believes I have mental problems and, thus, should be avoided by everyone. At that point, I just can't bring myself to go through with it which, while probably a good thing, just makes me so sad inside and makes me feel frustrated at the hopelessness of the situation.

This isn't some friend we're talking about here, it's my mother and, damn it, I ought to be able to have a positive relationship with the woman. I ought to be able to call her up and tell her how ds is doing in school, how his teachers all say it looks like he may be advanced. I ought to be able to share my newly decorated house with her and be able to hear her say how much she likes it and/or how nice a job I've done with the place. I ought to be able to count on her for support when I find out my SIL is very sick in the hospital and may not make it. All these things and more so many others have with their mothers and take for granted and here I sit, willing to give just about anything for just a single day like that with my own mom. It's so damned unfair.

I sit here and I think to myself, "Is this really it? Was January the 9th of 2010 really the last time I'll ever see or speak to my mother? Will I ever get to hear her voice or hug her again? Or will the next time I see her be her obituary picture in the local newspaper?" Honestly, the thought of never again seeing her or speaking to her, of never going "antiquing" together or hugging her again is almost too much to bear. Despite everything - despite the smear campaigns, the lies, the abuse, not being there for me, etc. - despite it all, I still love her dearly. She may be sick, she may be unable to be the kind of person I so long for her to be in my life but, despite it all, she's still my mother. The woman who carried me in her womb, who gave birth to me, who - at one time - I believe did love me the way a mother should, who fought my NF time and again to protect me from his and NSM's horrible influence, the woman who I used to have occasional good times with.....the woman I literally ache inside, I miss her so much.

I've spoken to my therapist about this whole thing, my feelings about wanting to contact NM but not being sure I can ever go back and she seems to think that the time will come, after I've healed a bit more, when she thinks I will be able to handle having NM back in my life again. It's a lovely thought and one I hold on to.....and yet, again that whisper in the back of my head that lists over and over all the hurtful things she's said and done.

*sigh*

Prayers still needed....

2011-06-24T11:44:00.001-04:00

It seems some new problems have arisen with my SIL. Yesterday, though MUCH improved, the hospital staff and a visiting friend of my BIL and SIL noticed SIL was getting confused and saying the wrong thing, such as calling her dh by my dh's name occasionally, etc. They did several scans, some with contrast dye, and as of the last scan, it appears my SIL has four very small blood clots in her brain which the doctors believe to be the cause of her current issues. As of now, they aren't sure if the damage (confusion, etc.) she's experiencing is permanent or whether it will eventually improve.

Please continue to pray and/or send good vibes/thoughts for her that she makes a full recovery and can soon go home to her dh and new baby.

Thanks.

DA xx

Is it really just me?

2011-06-23T16:43:00.000-04:00

So, as I mentioned in previous posts, my BIL and SIL have been at the hospital since early yesterday morning after SIL's health scare. While they were there, MIL has been caring for my new nephew. Actually, for the past week since my nephew was born, MIL has been trading off nights with BIL to help care for the baby since SIL has been confined to the couch and unable to get up except to use the bathroom. As a result, MIL had had the baby the night before SIL's seizure and subsequent hospital stay and then all day yesterday, all night last night and all day so far today. And, since SIL may yet need to stay in the hospital another day or two, it looks like MIL will probably continue keeping the baby on her own for another day or so. (Yes, my FIL is there too but, when it comes to child care, my FIL is about as useless as a one-legged dog.)

So anyways, FIL calls up earlier to check in, update us on SIL's condition and chat briefly with ds to see how he's doing as ds has had a cold the past couple days. We chatted for a bit and then, at one point, I heard FIL kind of shout MIL's name and then the baby started crying. Somewhat alarmed, I asked if everything was alright and FIL kind of chuckled and said that MIL was nodding off and her head had fallen forward and she'd konked the baby's head with hers which had caused him to cry. At that point I said, "Why don't I come and get the baby and bring him here for a bit and give you and MIL a break?" FIL didn't even get it all out of his mouth before I heard MIL say, very nastily, in the background that she was FINE and could do it all by herself just FINE. When I tried to say something else, all FIL would say was that MIL was "made for this" and would be just fine. *roll eyes*

Is it just me or do you all find that something is seriously "off" with this woman - MIL - and her behavior regarding her grandchildren? If you really want to know the truth, I feel she's being a selfish, stubborn COW of a woman who would apparently rather risk putting a child's safety in jeopardy than let someone - me - step in and help out for a few hours and give her a break.

She was/is the same way with ds, especially when he was first born. Always wanting to be the one holding him and caring for him. If I'd let her, she'd have set up a full room for him at her house and kept him there 24-7 quite happily. As it was, I insisted on ds staying in the house with me and MIL usually sat around pouting. No matter how much she got to hold ds, it was never enough. And now with my nephew, she acts more like he's HER child rather than her grandchild and as if a known deviant or something is trying to take the child from her rather than the child's aunt who only wants to help give her a break for a bit.

Once SIL is all recovered and she and BIL go back to work full time the plan is for MIL to take over daily care of the child full time, 7 days a week or more. I'm supposed to be comfortable with this?? I feel I should add here that I'm almost as much worried about MIL as the baby. MIL just REFUSES to admit that she's getting on in years and that there are things she just cannot do the way she used to anymore. Suffice it to say it's been many, many years since she had to take care of a newborn infant full time. Both her sons are in their 30's now and she's going to be 60 this year. And nothing against 60-something year olds either. It's just that UN-like some other 60 year olds, MIL is badly out of shape and, at last report, pre-diabetic (though since she refuses to change her diet and listen to her doctors, it's only a matter of time until she's full on diabetic, if she's not already). As any parent knows, it's hard enough taking care of a newborn when you're in your 20's or 30's but MIL insists she's just as capable - MORE capable actually, though she hasn't quite come out and said as much, but you can tell by her tone and attitude - as the children's parents and as she was when she was a new mother herself.

Ugh! I am just SO pissed off today with MIL's selfishness and stubbornness! To make matters worse, I log onto Facebook today and see this posted from dh's cousin (MIL's niece):

Aunt (MIL's name), you are an awesome Nana. Your daughter-in-law's are so lucky to have you as the mother of their husbands and grandmother of their sons. I can't think of a person I respect more on this earth.

Seriously?? Pardon my french but fucking GAG me with a spoon! Little does dh's cousin know that MIL has a bitchy streak about a mile and a half wide and has badmouthed said cousin many, many times behind her back - and quite viciously too, I might add -specifically with regard to the fact that cousin is a lesbian and she and her partner recently decided to have a baby via artificial insemination from an anonymous source. MIL talks about cousin like she's some kind of freak of nature and made a comment that 'at least there's something normal about her' with regard to the fact that cousin was the one to carry the baby. I was like WTF?? I told MIL that while cousin's choices were vastly different from the ones she and I may have made for our lives that I hardly thought that classified her as abnormal in any way. But, I digress. You get the idea. I'm half tempted to privately message cousin on FB and tell her that appearances aren't always correct or something along those lines but I figure it'd only hurt cousin and, at worst, she may pass along what I'd said to MIL which would cause bigger problems.

I just cannot STAND that everyone - MIL's own sons and dh included - seems to view MIL like she's some kind of martyred saint who can do no wrong when she's just like anyone else, with flaws of her own. Anytime I've brought up to dh my issues with his mother, no matter how politely and respectfully I phrase it, 99.9% of the time he comes back and says how I'm not seeing things right or how my views of parents are skewed by my experiences with N FOO, etc. In other words, I'm "over-reacting" or making too big a deal of nothing.

So I ask all of you - is it just me here or do you also see something very wrong and/or "off" about MIL's behaviors in regard to her grandchildren? I think it's one thing to be extremely fond of one's grandchildren and another thing entirely to have an unhealthy attachment to them and MIL would definitely fall into the latter group, IMHO.

I remember when ds was just born and seeing how MIL acted towards him and feeling very threatened. It was like MIL viewed my child as hers and I often felt as if MIL was trying to have another go at motherhood via MY child. She even went so far as to call ds (dh's name) junior for the longest time. Granted, ds did look A LOT like dh when he was a baby but it was just creepy the way MIL would refer to him by that nickname and I always made a point to correct her when she did it. MIL would also buy a lot of clothes for ds that looked straight out of the 70's which was the era dh grew up in. Truly, I felt she was trying to re-create her experiences only with my child. To this day, it creeps me out majorly.

*sigh* I'm just in a bad mood now over this whole thing. I'm so grateful SIL is going to be okay but this thing with MIL and my nephew has just brought up a whole lot of bad memories for me.

Thank you all!

2011-06-23T12:17:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts that you sent for my SIL yesterday. I've just heard that the blood patch procedure they did on her last night was apparently a success and she's now on the mend! She may even be able to come home in a day or two!

Thank the Lord for answered prayers!

Prayers needed....

2011-06-22T15:26:00.001-04:00

Just heard from my FIL earlier that my dear SIL was rushed to the hospital this morning after suffering a seizure. She had a baby last week and the doctors think that there were some complications either from the epidural or from my SIL pushing during labor. She's been suffering with a very bad headache for the past several days and then suddenly this morning she took a big turn for the worse.

If you believe in prayer, please pray for my SIL that God will heal her and send her back home soon to my BIL and their new baby boy. If prayer isn't your thing, good vibes, Karma, etc. are appreciated too.

Thanks so much. I'll let you all know just as soon as I hear anything.

Contact from NSM...

2011-06-17T18:46:00.000-04:00

So, the last time I heard anything from NSM was back on May 5th when she gave me her permission to step away from the relationship and changed history to make it that she and NF CHOSE to stay away when they were in town despite how badly they miss me and wanted to see us, because they are oh so noble and supposedly knew it would be too stressful on me and ds. *rolling eyes*

Anyways, so after - what? - a month and a half? I get an email from NSM yesterday. It was some religious email forward with no personal notes or messages attached. I feel pretty sure there's either a dig intended in there somewhere OR she's fishing to see if I'm over being silly and ready to respond to her yet. I'm curious to know what you all think. Here's the email:

Recall Notice:

This is totally amazing. Be sure to read it to the end. Talk about clever and to the point! Never heard it put quite like this before.

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:

1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect. The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention,

GOD

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!

Because He Lives!

It's the first list of "symptoms" of sin that I think could be intended as a dig. As if to say, I wouldn't be acting this way and "disrespecting" them if I wasn't so obviously full of sin. If I would just get God in my life, I'd be the good daughter they "raised". The two of them were ALWAYS preaching at the three of us kids and it's only gotten worse since my NF became a preacher. Of course it could also be that NSM is fishing to see if I'm ready to talk to them again yet. What I don't get is, if that's the case, why not just email me and ASK? Why do N's always seem to feel compelled to play these stupid games all the time? It's so stupid and annoying.

At any rate, I have ZERO intention of responding to NSM's stupid email. Maybe my continued non-response will prompt her to send something more direct? Guess time will tell!

Doubting ourselves and our perceptions...

2011-06-06T12:37:00.000-04:00

Read a post on the DoNM board recently from a gal who, after a long period of NC with her NM, received an email from her NM which, at first glance, seemed to be sincere. At first read, it seemed her NM "got it" a bit and was willing and wanting to make amends and start over. Upon further scrutiny - and with a bit of added information about her NM from outside, trusted sources in her life - it's pretty clear to her and the rest of us who've read about it that her NM's motives are far from pure. No surprise there given that her M is an N. The thing is, this person is concerned - worried even - that she doesn't feel more open and trusting toward her NM and worries that she is a "cold, calloused" person.

I think this is one of the cruelest parts of having an NP - they make us doubt our very normal, healthy perceptions and reactions to things. Let's say, for example, that every time you encounter a certain person, they slap you in your face, hard. It would be normal, healthy and completely rational then in this instance to experience anxiety and suspicion any time you encountered this person or had to be around them, would it not? Yet our NP's and the other N's in our lives would have us believe that it was US who are somehow "off" or otherwise wrong to react the way we do. They would probably attack us and label us "too sensitive" or say we were "over-reacting". My NFOO would probably also claim the other person was "just kidding around" and berate me for being unable to take a joke. Bottom line, we are made to believe that WE are the ones in the wrong when the truth is anything but.

At nearly 35 years of age, I still am quick to doubt myself and my perceptions. Though I may know with total certainty what I feel in my gut, all it takes is one little word to trigger that doubt and I start thinking to myself, "Maybe they are right. Maybe I AM over-reacting, too sensitive, etc." It's one thing to suggest that maybe the other person didn't mean it the way it came out, that it was just a misunderstanding or whatever and another thing entirely to state flat out that another's perceptions are wrong or that they are otherwise over-reacting. The first scenario allows the victim another way of looking at things whereas the latter invalidates the victim's experience and, in my opinion, kills the spirit just a little bit more.

Little by little, I'm learning to trust in myself and my gut feelings but it's been a long, hard road and I still have a ways to go yet. I hope that, with time and continued work on my part, I can finally reach a place where I am confident in myself and my feelings and not so easily swayed by others.