An interaction with NHS and NBIL...

Well, my birthday came and went with zero acknowledgment from my NF and NSM, as well as my three step-siblings. That was expected but still hurt. I wish there was some way to just stop caring. It sucks and makes it damn near impossible to enjoy any event or holiday when all I can seem to think about is being unwanted and not cared about by my own father and all three of my siblings.

My NM invited me over to her house for a nice dinner on my bday. She mentioned that my NHS, NBIL and their two kids would be there also and that she understood if I didn't want to come but said that she'd spoken with NHS and NHS had agreed to be polite and civil. I didn't really want to go, especially on my birthday, but knew the hellish drama that would follow if I didn't show - namely that I'd be labeled as the one who couldn't even be civil, etc. - so I reluctantly agreed to go. Was a bit nervous as I didn't really know what to expect. Well, as it turned out, I was treated like a non-entity the entire hour and a half they were there by NHS and her entire family. Well, actually, that's not entirely true - my niece actually smiled at me and seemed friendly enough. She even seemed to want to play with my ds but the second she'd start to make a move toward ds, NHS would come over and my niece would go back to ignoring me/us. I tried on several occasions to be neutral and civil and make small talk only for NHS and NBIL to act like I wasn't even there.

My nephew was constantly running to his mom's side any time I'd enter the room she was in. Clearly NHS and NBIL have demonized me to the point that their children feel a need to fear me. It's just so sad.

On one occasion, I returned from the kitchen to find NBIL smiling and talking to dh only to give me a dirty look and walk off as soon as I came over and said 'hello'. On another occasion, I made a comment to NHS and she began talking to NM as if NM was the one who'd made the comment. They wouldn't even make EYE CONTACT with me. This was especially true of NHS. It was so absurd and yet, somehow, still incredibly hurtful. I was actually tempted to leave within about 5 minutes of them being there but dh said I shouldn't let them run me off. Looking back, I wish I'd said, "Fuck this" and just left.

I spoke with NM a few days later about NHS and her behavior. NM said she'd spoken with NHS and NHS said that if I'd apologize for threatening to turn her and NBIL into Child and Family Services for supposed abuse of their children (something I NEVER said or threatened to do at any point in time) then she'd CONSIDER being civil and respectful when we were around each other. I told NM that NHS could stick it, that I wasn't going to apologize for something I DIDN'T DO and that, even if I had, happened over FIVE YEARS AGO during an argument. I went on to say that clearly NHS was more interested in holding some ridiculous grudge than she was in being mature and that I was just fine if I went the rest of my life without ever seeing or speaking to NHS and her family again. NM said she understood but felt bad that NHS' kids and my ds would never get to know one another. I told NM that wasn't my fault and that I would not accept responsibility for that fact.

Then, about two weeks ago, NM went out with NSJ and they bought yet another brand new car for NM. Instead of trading in their other old car, they kept it and just bought the other one - brand new and with all the bells and whistles of course. Now, I had just been saying to NM not even two days previous, how dh's car (that was purchased new back in 1999) was really starting to wear out and how we were going to need a new car soon and I didn't know how we were going to afford it, etc. So I was really ticked that, when I asked NM what they were going to do with the 3rd car, NM stated that NSJ had already made plans to give it (not sell it, GIVE it free and clear) to NHS and NBIL. To add insult to injury, two days after that incident, NM made the comment to me that she "wished she had a car to give me to help me out"! I felt like screaming at her, "You DID have an extra car and, as always, instead of thinking of me, you give it to NHS and NBIL!!!!"

Speaking of which, if I have to hear one more time about how "great" NHS and NBIL are and how much better they are and how they've "turned their life around", I'm going to either scream or puke. NHS and NBIL are the same immature, irresponsible asshats they've always been. All the proof I needed of that was the hour and a half I spent with them at NM's on my bday. They haven't changed a bit except to get older.

Since the whole get-together with NHS and NBIL, a lot of emotional stuff that I thought I'd dealt with and gotten past has come back up. I've found myself feeling a bit depressed but, more than anything, just plain ole angry. How DARE NHS say that *I* need to apologize to her and her family! How dare she act like she is the victim and I some kind of depraved criminal. What about her apology to ME for slandering my name to anyone who would listen, be they old friends and even doctors that we share? What about her husband's apology for writing a hateful, nasty letter about me and then sending it to my mother and my husband (who was at work at the time) and saying that my dh needed to "get his woman under control"? I've spent my entire life - most of it anyway - trying to be "good enough" so that my NHS would want a relationship with me, so that we could be close and have the sisterly relationship I've always wanted. And it has never, not even ONCE, been good enough for her. Which is another thing, coincidentally, that I said to NM - that I could go ahead and jump through this newest hoop laid before me by NHS, I could apologize for my "sins" exactly as she's demanding, and I guarantee you it would STILL not be enough. She'd find yet another thing to demand of me in order for me to prove my loyalty and worthiness to her. It's never enough and it never will be and, damn it, I'm sick of bending over backward until my back is broken and of making myself physically ill just to receive more demands and crap from everyone!

Have been trying really hard to remember it's them and not me but those old feelings of worthlessness and "badness" are creeping up and lurking again. Am seriously considering upping my Zoloft when I go to the doctor for my next appointment. Think I could use it.



 

Seriously...

This is what NSM had posted on her Facebook wall the day after Father's Day. (For the record, I didn't go looking for it. I only saw it because DH left his account logged in after using it last and it popped up when I sat down at the computer.) I'm sure this was posted in response to my "crime" of not acknowledging my NF on his holiday. Would love nothing more than to say I saw it, rolled my eyes and went on my merry way. Sadly however, if I'm to be totally honest, it still hurts. All I've ever done is love them and want to be loved and accepted by them in return. Instead I've been shit on, mistreated, abused, manipulated, lied to and abandoned more times than I care to count.


I've been thinking a lot about this whole situation for a few days now and I realize that I need some kind of closure on everything with my NSM and NF. Sounds easy enough, right? Problem is that I'm not sure how to go about that. Talking to them doesn't work. Neither does writing a letter or email. They just deny, re-write history, lie or whatever else it takes to make themselves right and me wrong. Going full NC for three years did nothing. They just picked up where they left off. Talking about it ad nauseum in therapy or with trusted friends/relatives hasn't worked. It just keeps coming back up to bite me in the ass. So then what? How do I get past the pain, the anger, the frustration and let it go and move on with my life?


And what of the painful irony of NSM's post? Do these people even read these things before re-posting them? Why is it that I am in the wrong - never mind the fact that I've never walked away from them, it's always been their choice to walk out on me - for THEIR decision to walk out of my life and abandon me time and again? And why are their reasons or excuses any more valid than mine? Furthermore, why is it so difficult for them to want to be a part of my life? Why don't they care about me? And WHY, for the love of God, does it have to hurt so much?


My birthday will be coming up in ten days, which will also be the one year mark since my dad last made an attempt to contact me. Another birthday to dread because I know it will bring up all that negativity. Why must N's ruin everything with their nastiness and negativity? I can't even enjoy my own birthday anymore.

I'm back!

Good grief. It has been a while, hasn't it? So much has gone on the past year. Where do I begin?

I suppose I'll start with NM. She's continued to be quite good actually. No major complaints there. She's been kind, loving, supportive and, never thought I'd say it, but I'm just so glad to have her back in my life. Have actually done a lot of thinking and am not so sure NM is really and truly an N anymore. Not that she stopped being one but rather that she never truly was one in the first place. Yes, she's certainly done things in the past that would qualify but I now suspect her to be more narcissistic than full on narcissist.
NF on the other hand, full on narcissist. Am so sorry I ever reached out and broke NC with him as it's been nothing but hell ever since. We are currently back at NC status - his choice actually rather than mine. Things had been going okay (which isn't saying much because they were far from ideal). He'd call every few weeks or so and we'd talk for a bit, which usually involved me listening to him drone on about himself for an hour or more. It wasn't great but, at the time at least, it was something. He called me for my birthday last year in July, said he'd talk to me again in a few days or so and that was the last I heard from him.

It's now been almost 11 months and nothing. I found out through another family member that NF and my NSM were in town visiting friends. (If you'll remember, NF and NSM live out of state.) At that time, I hadn't spoken to my NF in about 7 or 8 months and hadn't seen him or NSM in over 3 years. Also hadn't spoke to NSM in those 3+ years. So I was somewhat surprised to log into my email one day and see I'd gotten a message from NSM. Of course she acted like everything was hunky dorey and we'd just spoken a few days ago. I got some bullshit story about how "busy" they are - oh, such martyrs them! - and how the reason they didn't send out any Christmas gifts for me or ds is because of them being so busy, blah blah blah. Not a single comment about missing me, asking what she could do to fix things or even a single inquiry as to how I'd been or ds was, etc. Just how they are so tired and overburdened and in need of a break, boo hoo hoo and woe is them. Had planned to call her on her bullshit and send a not so nice response but later decided not to respond at all. Just saw no point in it other than to inflame the drama that I didn't want or need. Anyway, long story short, they came and went and didn't try to contact me or meet up. Yes, I was glad in one respect that they didn't contact me further or show up on my doorstep or call to try and get me to meet with them while they were here, but.....at the same time, it was just so very painful. I'm his firstborn daughter. He hasn't seen me in years or spoken to me in months and yet he didn't even try to see me or speak to me. He drove 10 hours to come visit friends rather than his own daughter. THAT hurt. It still hurts.
I continue to have zero contact with my three siblings. For a brief period, I had occasional contact with my one half sis (HS) but apparently she is "too busy" with work and what all to so much as send me a two second email or at least call me on my birthday. When I tried to talk to her about it, she basically blew me off and said I had no right to be upset as it wasn't personal. Haven't spoken to her since.

My HB and NHS also continue not to speak to me. NM has been trying to get NHS to relax a bit and at least allow her two kids to come with NM so they can spend time with their cousin, ds, and get to know him again but NHS continues to be a bitch. She said that if I apologize to her - nevermind that I did nothing wrong, I simply stood up for a child who I had reason to suspect may be being abused - then MAYBE she'll consider it. I told NM to forget it. I wasn't going to apologize for something I didn't do and, really, after all this time has passed now, what's the need even if there HAD been something? It's been YEARS yet, as ever, NHS continues to hold grudges as if they happened yesterday. Pisses me off that NHS has the gall to state the I need to apologize but, beyond that, it's no big deal to me. Wasn't particularly wanting to rekindle that relationship anyway. Still, it would be nice to have a relationship with at least ONE of my siblings. But, thanks to N, triangulating parents, guess that isn't to be.

MIL and FIL are being okay lately. No issues or complaints presently. NBIL and NSIL continue to be their self-absorbed selves but, more on that another time.

Am planning to post a lot more from here on out. Feel as if I have some stuff to work out and writing about it has always helped in the past so, what the heck. :)

DA

Article on difficulty crying or feeling ashamed for crying...

Found an amazing post today over at Emerging From Broken about difficulty crying or feeling ashamed for crying. I definitely recommend you head on over and check it out.

This is something I've struggled with for a long time now. I'll feel sad and start to cry only to have my body shut down and not be able to cry any longer. I've tried many things, including trying to stay in the moment or watching a "tear-jerker", but nothing seems to work. I simply cannot cry more than a few seconds, if I can even start at all.

After reading the post over at Emerging From Broken, I definitely think that my inability to cry is due to the message I got growing up that crying was somehow "bad" or "wrong" when I was the one doing it. It was okay for everyone ELSE to be upset and cry, but not me. When I cried, I was told to shut up or I'd be "given something to cry about". I hadn't realized it before but I find I DO feel guilty and like I burden when I'm upset or feel the need to cry. And like Darlene, I've also felt that anger aimed at myself because I'm upset. Definitely something I need to work on.

Called my NF...

Well, I did it. I broke down and called my NF. When I called him, he was at work so couldn't talk more than just a couple minutes but he called me back later that evening and we talked for an hour. As it turned out, I might as well have talked to a mattress for an hour. Seriously, in the hour we spoke - after not speaking to him for over two years - all I found out from NF was that he still works at the same grocery store part-time, that he had a good Christmas and that he's hoping to receive a call (that'd be a pastoral call since NF is...get this....an ordained minister) to New Jersey. He also managed to work a comment in there to the effect of my supposedly having "asked for my space" and him willingly obliging. Mind you, nothing of the sort ever happened but if that's how he needs to re-write it in his head, so be it. I just ignored the comment and, surprisingly, it wasn't that hard.

I suppose a tiny part of me had wondered (I can't say "hoped" exactly) that maybe, after two years of not speaking to me at all, NF would have changed in some way. After all, after two years of not speaking with NM, when I finally spoke with her again, it was clear that some sort of thought process had gone on in her and her behavior had changed somewhat. Is she the perfect mother now? Certainly not but it's clear that she at least is TRYING to be nicer and more respectful of me and my feelings and that is enough for me. So NOT the case with my NF who talked as if we'd just spoken last week and the past two years hadn't happened.

After I'd hung up, I felt a bit disappointed but, ultimately, I was happy I'd done it and called him. I would say I now feel numb but that's not exactly accurate. To me, numb implies that I suffered some trauma and am now in a state of shock and that's not at all the case. I guess the best label for what I feel now is acceptance. I don't know if I'll speak with NF again and, if not, I feel like I'm okay with that now. Likewise, if NF needs to re-write history to make himself "right" and me "wrong", I'm okay with that too. That is to say, I don't care anymore. Used to be, something like this would have driven me crazy and I would have immediately jumped to defending myself, which would - of course - have been exactly what NF wanted and we'd have wound up arguing back and forth until I either relented and admitted to being wrong or said that we'd just have to agree to disagree. But now, I honestly don't care what NF thinks of me or of what happened. *I* know the truth and so do those who matter. And for me, now, that is enough.

Confused...

Not sure what's going on lately. I've felt a really strong pull to break NC with my N father and reach out to him in some way. Have come so close many times to emailing him or picking up the phone and calling but just before I do, I always stop for some reason.

I suppose part of me is unhappy with how things were left two years ago and continues to long for a relationship with my NF. But I'm also smart enough at this point to know that it would almost certainly end with my being hurt yet again. If I were to get in touch with him, one of two things would happen - either he'd reject me or he'd say all the right things like he did last time but they would eventually be proven fake and I'd be left hurting once again.

I just wish I could understand why there's such a huge pull. Is it just instinctual for a child to long for a relationship with one's parents? Or is it that I'm just a glutton for punishment? To listen to others, it could be either. Though, admittedly, it's far more preferable for me to believe that it's just instinctual rather than to believe that there's something wrong with me that I keep going back for more despite being hurt time and again.

Or maybe it's that things haven't been going quite as well with NM lately. She's not doing anything so completely awful I guess. It's just that she's been whining and complaining about everything lately. Every time I talk with her lately it's all her whining about how she has no money, how she's tired of living like this, how she's sick of feeling sick and tired all the time, how she hates her hair, etc. Mind you, anytime I've offered her a suggestion to solve one of her many problems, she always has an excuse why it won't work. For example, if she complains that she's tired of not having money and how she'd get a job if only there were any out there, I might mention that I saw X place hiring only for NM to respond that she doesn't want to have to work, she doesn't want to get stuck working nights and weekends and/or that they would only pay her minimum wage and she refuses to work for less than $14+ an hour. And when all else fails, NM comes out with her favorite excuse - quite simply, she "can't be bothered".

Personally, I think the real truth is that she doesn't want to help herself because then she can't go on being the victim. If there's anything NM loves, it's being able to play the victim. The proof of that in my mind is that NM is ALWAYS undergoing some sort of crisis, be it some new physical ailment or something going on externally in her life. She whines almost non-stop about having diabetes yet does NOTHING to help her situation. I've told her numerous times that she needs to avoid carbs especially in her diet but what does NM eat 99.9% of the time? That's right, carbs! She'll call me up and complain that she's feeling so shaky that day and when I ask what she's eaten that day, it's almost always, "I had some toast" or "I had some pasta". If I say anything, her response is always, "The doctor said I could!". NO, NM...what the doctor said was that it was okay once in a while to have a small portion of pasta or a slice of pizza if she went out for dinner. It was never intended that she eat that stuff at nearly every meal. But of course if NM began eating correctly, she might feel better and then she wouldn't be able to whine about the unfairness of it all that she be saddled with such a burden.

*sigh* Life with N's. Never a dull moment, is it?

The NMIL saga (cont'd.)...

So, after much thought, I had decided to handle things myself with NMIL. Because I feared she might try to lie and claim I'd been mean to her if I called her on the phone to talk with her, I decided to go the email route so I'd have proof that I'd been civil and respectful. Here's the email I sent her:

Hey (NMIL's name),

Am writing to you as there is something I would like to discuss with you. There have been several instances now where you've seemingly gone over my head or behind my back where making plans are concerned. I don't even know if you're aware of what you're doing but it feels like you are deliberately going out of your way to avoid having to speak to me. I want to believe it's unintentional and you don't mean anything by your actions but it's difficult when I know dh has told you himself on at least two occasions to speak to me yet you've continued to go through him.

Have I done something to anger or upset you in some way? I can't recall anything specific but maybe you were offended by something I said or did? If so, I apologize. I care very much for you and hope you know that I would never want to hurt or offend you. Hopefully, if there is something, we can talk about it and work it out.

Love you and hope to hear from you soon.

DA

I sent the email around noon yesterday and, at the time I started writing this post, I still hadn't heard from NMIL. Around 9:33am, I was checking my email and up popped an email from her. It reads:

I did not deliberated talk to [dh's name] first sorry if i offended you. He did tell me to check with you I am just use to talking to him and asking if he is interested in something..I know u keep up with your family schedule more than he does. In the further i will talk with u . I hope there are no hard feelings. thanks for bringing this to my attention, please feel like u can talk to me anytime. Love u!! Wasn"t sure this was from u I hesitated to open it sooner.

I suppose I should have expected as much. No way would NMIL be so careless as to email me back with what she REALLY thinks and feels, thereby giving me proof that I could then turn around and show dh. No, better to keep it so that it's only my word against hers since she believes dh will always side with HER. Sadly, the truth is, I think NMIL may be right about that.

Last night, after telling dh about the email I'd sent to NMIL - I figured he'd find out about it sooner or later and I'd rather he heard it from ME first before his NM potentially added her spin to it - he was VERY upset with me. Apparently I should have checked with him first and discussed it with him. By not doing so, I've put him in the middle and "disrespected him" and basically told him "Fuck you" and implied that he's a pussy ass momma's boy who can't handle his mommy. While there is some truth to that - sorry, but it's just reality - my intention was never to disrespect my dh in any way. I was simply trying to handle things myself and put an end to NMIL's treatment of me since the few (heavily sugar-coated) times dh has talked with his NM haven't done shit. 

Despite my good intentions however, apparently I'm still in the wrong. Truly, no matter what I seem to do, it's a lose/lose/lose situation for me. If I leave it to dh and trust him to handle it, it doesn't get handled and I'm stuck being disrespected by his NM as well as having dh mad at me for "putting him in the middle" and pushing him to confront his mom. If I handle it myself, dh is angry with me for disrespecting him and taking matters into my own hands. If I give up and concede to NMIL and just let her win, then dh and NMIL are happy but I'm left to live out my life feeling miserable as well as having my resentment toward dh build until it really begins to cause problems in our marriage.

In addition to telling me I'd disrespected and emasculated him, he also totally invalidated my feelings, thoughts and experiences regarding what's been going on with his NM. He told me that a few times of her going behind my back or over my head does NOT constitute as her "disrespecting" me or "treating me like shit" and that I'm once again making a huge deal out of a small thing. In other words, I'm too sensitive and over-reacting. And so, what I've long suspected regarding dh's view of things - that he truly doesn't get it - has been 100% confirmed. Way to make me feel supported dh, thanks a bunch.

It's becoming clearer and clearer that, despite dh's fierce protests, his mommy (and the rest of his FOO) will always come first. Truly, I'm left feeling very defeated and hopeless. I can either continue fighting for myself which will result in dh getting angry with me and causing repeated fights between us (and potentially ruin our marriage) OR I can give up and just be miserable until NMIL finally dies.

This sucks. :o(