I'm a supervillain!

Bet you all didn't know that about me, did you? DisturbedAngel is just my day to day alter ego. When I'm in full on villain mode, I go by the name "The Scourge". LOL

Okay, since you're now probably all wondering if I fell on my head or sniffed a few too many paint fumes while refinishing the furniture I've been working on, I'll explain. I've recently started talking to my aunt N again and she had a few things to tell me, one of which involved an email conversation with my N half sis.

If I have it right, my NHS responded to an email forward my aunt N had sent out to everyone and said something like, "DA is the LAST person I'd want to spend any time with!" That's not an exact quote but my aunt N says it was something along those lines. Aunt N says she told NHS, "Oh whatever! You know what? DA feels the same way about YOU, rest assured!" After that, NHS apparently started in on aunt N, saying that she fears for aunt N and the safety of her family should aunt N continue talking to me, big baddie that I am. LOL

Aunt N assured NHS that she was fine and could take care of herself, thank you very much, not that it was necessary. Aunt N then told NHS that it was exactly this sort of exaggeration and outright lies that was a large part of the reason for the problems in our family. NHS responded that she, NM and the stepjerk weren't the ones with the problem in that area! Obviously that leaves only me, as usual. Then NHS set out to try and convince aunt N that she didn't understand the depth of my "mental problems". HA!!! (Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! Projection, anyone?)

When that didn't work either, NHS finished by saying that aunt N should be careful, for herself as well as her family, because I was dangerous and the supposed evidence as far as NHS is concerned is that I "destroyed her life" and her family. WTH she's talking about, I have NO idea as I can't think of anything I've done to her. Sure, I've called her names and we've had normal sibling spats and stuff like that - I'm not saying I'm an angel here, we've had our differences over the years - but destroying her life and family? That's awfully strong verbiage, don't you think? Not to mention a tad over-dramatic. Proves what a mental case wackadoo NHS is though when the closest thing "wrong" I can think of that I did was insist she have her step son checked out by a professional when I suspected he may be being sexually abused.

At any rate, aunt N said to me, "It was like you have supernatural powers or something and I ought to go out and buy a voodoo doll to protect myself and my family!"

If nothing else, it was good for many laughs between dh and I last night. Dh was working on a painting in his studio and I burst in and said, "Run for your life! Save yourself! Save your children! Here comes.........THE SCOURGE!!!" Then I laughed an evil, maniacal laugh at which point dh and I burst into hysterics.

At least NHS' antics are good for something!

Walking on eggshells...WHY?

I got to thinking about my relationships with certain N members of my FOO last night as I was working on refinishing a couple chairs I recently found curbside and it occurred to me that just as I used to tread carefully around NM so as not to draw any fire or throw her into any of her uncalled-for N rages, I now find myself treading carefully with my SM and dad as well. At that realization, I suddenly got very angry.

I am an ADULT. I'm not a child anymore and, as an adult, I think I'm more than capable of deciding for myself things like how I live my life, how often I flush my toilet, what I eat, how I choose to wear my hair, who I choose to have in my life and speak to or not, etc. It's not for my SM or my dad or anyone else to dictate how or when I do these things and I've decided that if they have a problem with it, too bad. Again, it's not up to them.

So often, many of us take the stance of 'Don't do anything to upset the narcissist!' Heaven forbid we do anything to upset the precious N's! WHY?! By going out of our way and bending over backward to alter our natural behaviors just to satisfy them, we serve only to reinforce to them that their behavior is acceptable and a valid way for them to get what they want. It's very much the same as giving in to a young child's tantrum - all you do is show them that if they make enough fuss, they'll get what they want.

There will be no more "walking on eggshells" for me! And if SM or whoever decides to start raging at me over the phone about it, they will find themselves hung up on or, if they are here visiting, they will be asked to leave. I refuse to cater to these stupid N's anymore.

Can you guess the offense?

SM called earlier. Apparently she finally got around to telling me my uncle S had died. When I told her I'd already seen a message from her (estranged) sister on Facebook to my (good) half sister, SM flew into an N rage saying her sister "had no right to do that". When I mentioned that I didn't see that her sister had done anything wrong, SM said "That's not the point. It's not her place to tell you guys!" At first glance, I was a tad confused at SM's unnecessary rage. But after a bit of thinking, it suddenly became crystal clear. Can you guess the offense?

The answer is that the REAL reason SM is pissed is because her sister stole her thunder by relaying the news first. Generally, when someone calls to say someone died, THEY get all the sympathy and attention and get to be the center of attention by way of being the bearer of bad news. So when SM's sister let the cat out of the bag by expressing her condolences to my half sister for her loss, she "stole" what SM felt was rightfully HERS and THAT is the real reason she flew into a rage.

Her sister's punishment supposedly involved a scathing email. SM happened to mention, before hanging up, that she'd been wanting to send her an email but didn't have good reason and this gave her her reason. My apologies to SM's sister (not that she'll get to read this). I hate that I got her in trouble though SM surely would have found an excuse to send the scathing email sooner or later.

I get so sick of these N's and their uncalled for rages and stupid mind games and whatnot. Oh to live in a world without them! I guess we can dream......right? ;o)

Dare I ask 'What next?'...

Well, SM's really on a tear lately. Found out by way of a message on Facebook from SM's sister to my half sis' wall that my uncle S died a couple days ago.......AND I HAVE YET TO HEAR A WORD. I mean, WTH? I can't say as I'm especially torn up about the loss. I didn't even know I HAD and uncle S - at least not by way of my dad - until a little over a year ago as he was never spoken of when I was growing up. My NM had mentioned him a few times to me, said he'd left home at 16 and no one spoke of him after that. Wish I could have had an opportunity to talk to him as I suspect he'd have had MUCH interesting stuff to tell me about what my dad's home life was like. Then a little over a year ago, while my dad and SM were visiting, they show me this picture and I'm like, "Who's this?" and they go, "Your uncle S!" as if I should know who he is. But while I'm not especially torn up over the loss of someone I didn't even know and never met, it still seems wrong that no one's called or at least emailed me to let me know he died.

Am just very sad over this whole situation. SM has replaced NM and while I could totally walk away from her at this point, I am loathe to turn away from my dad as well. But then, as I was thinking yesterday, the real hurt is in the fact that I had thought I'd had a relationship with my dad but it occurred to me (yesterday) that I never have and never really will. Unless I call him or it's a special occasion like a holiday or my birthday, I never hear from my dad. And it's not like he's all THAT busy. He works in a freaking grocery store, for crying out loud! You mean to tell me he doesn't have a few moments to call and say hi, tell me he loves me and just chat for a bit? No, it's not that he doesn't have time it's that he doesn't care. At least not enough apparently to get off his butt and DO something about it. Never has and never will. So, then, what would I really be losing?

I think I could do it. I think I could walk away but it's still just so sad and hurtful to think that of FOUR parents and slew of other family on my NM's side, NONE of them give a flying fig about me. :(

(On a side note, still no birthday card. Not really expecting one anymore at this point but how much you wanna bet that dh gets a card and money for his bday?)

Kristin xx

Stepmom strikes again...

This actually occurred on Tuesday I believe it was but a) the cord to my laptop went kaput causing my laptop to be useless and b) the only other computer in the house, which is my dh's work computer, has either been occupied by him or the little black ants that have seen fit to invade various areas of my house the past couple days. Hence why I haven't posted about this sooner.

Anyhoo, so I'm talking with SM on the phone a couple days ago or, rather, I'm listening to her complain about her many woes. To be fair, she has been through a lot lately what with taking care of not one, not two but three ailing elderly family members, dealing with the death of her beloved aunt, a new job and continued renovations of her mother's condo in which she and my dad are currently living (along with my step GM). So I agree, she's had a lot on her plate lately. But she's also partly to blame herself in that she, being the sort of person she is, knowingly takes on more than she can handle all the time. Maybe, like a lot of N's, she just likes to complain? I don't know.

At one point in our conversation, SM inquires whether or not dh and I have decided that we're definitely doing the vow renewal for our anniversary in September. It will be our 10th anniversary so we had wanted to do something special. And since my dad and I were estranged the first time dh and I got married, I thought it would be extra special for both of us - my dad and I - to be able to have all the things we were denied the first time round, like him getting to walk me down the aisle and the father/daughter dance, etc.

I told SM that I was sorry, that I didn't know but promised to talk with dh and have a concrete answer for her either way by the weekend since I knew they needed to plan their trips well ahead of time to arrange for other caregivers for certain family members and such. SM responded, "Well yes but that's not it. With all that's been going on these past few months, I'm just totally burnt out and our friends (the ones they spent all their time with when they were here visiting in June and several trips before that as well) usually rent a beach house around that time of year and, really, I'd just like to spend my vacation time having FUN and RELAXING." Okay. So apparently I'm NOT fun and she can't relax around me? At that moment, I felt like saying, "OH, well I'm SO sorry that I'm not "fun" and that visiting with me is so much of an imposition on your time that you're unable to relax in my presence! You know what (SM's name)? You can GO TO HELL." and then hang up. Instead, I made the excuse that my MIL and I were getting ready to take ds out for ice cream (which we actually were but it came in handy) and hung up.

Talk about a slap in the face. She couldn't have made it any clearer - visiting me, spending time with me and even something as important and special to me as renewing my wedding vows and being able to have my dad there means SQUAT to her. If she doesn't want to come, fine but most people would have made up an excuse like "We're just really busy caring for those family members right now and can't get time away" or whatever. You don't freaking come out and SAY what she said! Then again, NARCISSISTS would say EXACTLY what she said, wouldn't they? Which I suppose just further proves my initial assessment that she's an N was spot on. (Though I'm strongly considering amending it to her being a malignant N rather than just an N given that, like my NM, she seems to feel the need to go out of her way to be especially hurtful and cruel.)

Any normal, non-N person would have been hurt by my SM's actions but I suppose it's more than that for me because this whole N thing just seemed to come out of nowhere. Sure, I've always had issues here and there with SM but one is always going to have some problems with another. No relationship is problem-free. And in the years since I reconnected with SM and my dad, SM and I have grown close (or so I thought) and we seemed to get along so well over the phone. She's certainly never been so N-like on previous visits (or perhaps she has but, busy with my NM issues I just didn't see it so clearly before?). So when she came here in June and was so awful and critical and just plain ole MEAN toward me, it really surprised me. And since then, she seems to have gotten even worse and is now behaving just like my mother. Figures. I finally get away from one N and wind up with another to take her place. Only, because SM and my dad are a package deal, I can't just cut SM off unless I want to lose my dad too.

I've been thinking a lot about this the past couple days and, looking back, I suppose there were signs she was N after all. For example, the last time I was up in Ohio visiting my dad - I was 12 - and SM was always helping herself to my clothes. However, the ONE time I went into her closet without asking and borrowed a pair of shorts, and OLD pair to boot, she lit into me about being "disrespectful" and how she wasn't going to tolerate it, etc. There was also a time, I was much younger than 12 then, when she flat out said to me that I would be pretty when I grew up but I'd never be beautiful like her daughter. And she always seemed to be insanely jealous of anything my dad would do for me or give/buy me. Apparently HER kids were to be given first dibs and I was to be happy with whatever little was left over. Looking back, yes, I can certainly see evidence of narcissism there.

The irony is that she accuses her older sister of being the malignant narcissist. Talk about projection! It's been years since I've seen or spoken to SM's sister but I feel I can say with relative certainty that she is NOT an N. She was always so kind and wonderful to me and it was sincere, unlike SM who I now realize always seemed to be putting on an act. No, I'd be willing to bet quite a lot that SM's sister is definitely not a narcissist.......but SM sure as hell is!

FOUR parents and ALL N's and not a ONE of them worth a flying furnal! Lucky me. NOT.

On a side note, I wonder if any of them know about this blog?

Great post on Empathy vs. Compassion...

A fellow DoNM over at OneAngryDaughter wrote a great post on the difference between empathy and compassion. Thought I'd share a bit of it here:

Empathy is the capacity to truly understand the experience of another, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. It doesn't mean that you necessarily agree, simply that you understand. In an empathic state, you experience the thoughts, feelings and sensations of another within your own mind.

Compassion requires some level of empathic awareness, but it goes beyond awareness. Compassion is a radiating desire to console, comfort, and alleviate the pain and suffering of another. It is a deep sense of sorrow and sympathy for the other person's misfortune. Compassion is the tendency to feel another's ache, along with the need to extend a kindness, to do something about it.

To read more of this great post, click here.

One NM's recent Today Show appearance...

Some of you may have seen the show. Others may have heard about it on the DoNM board or another related board you post at. Long story short, one NM got her 15 minutes of fame on the Today Show claiming - as I think so many of us are familiar with - that she was a loving, supportive mom and, for no reason at all (at least none known to her, or so she claims), her wretched daughter has cut her out of her life and the poor mother is left heartbroken and bewildered. The result is a long thread full of comments from both sides of the equation - DoNM's and mothers alike - with the main consensus of the other side seemingly being that we DoNM's are spoiled and selfish and ought to be ashamed of ourselves. After all, as one mother put it, THEIR generation would NEVER consider cutting their mothers out of their lives, ever!

This NM was teamed up with a therapist whose credibility really needs to be questioned, IMHO, being that he comes across as being totally supportive of this obvious NM and yet doesn't seem to see what lurks beneath that rather convincing facade. I mean, isn't it his JOB to see these things? Worst of all I think was that this poor daughter's picture was shown repeatedly on screen, as it turns out, without her permission.

Since the Today Show and the majority of the posters on their thread seem to support the side of the poor, estranged mother, I thought I'd post the daughter's point of view here on my blog. She goes by the screen name "Peacefor5" and here's what she has to say:

peacefor5
I have read every single comment on here. I have to agree with the majority of the comments on here. I always thought that I was the only one who had gone through this with a mother like the one on Today; a mother exactly like her. There are two sides to this story- the truth and hers. She is a master manipulator, but underneath that exterior of niceness is a river of evil. She knows exactly what happened and it wasn't just one thing it was years of systematic abuse, rage, hostility, alienation from family all wrapped up in a pretty package. She is riding this "doctor's" coattails for her 15 minutes. It's all about her, always has been and always will be. Many of you have already seen that in the interview. The Today show didn't contact me or ask for my permission to parade my pictures across national TV in a sick slide show while this woman narrates her "tragic" story. I am very disappointed in the Today show as it was all lies and untruths- just shows she can suck in a doctor and Meredith into her manipulations! I had to hear of this "interview" through friends yesterday. I have no doubt that she will never stop this harrassment. It has ranged from litigation (yes, she tried to sue me), showing up at my work, and now NATIONAL TV! Yesterday proved that this has never been about "our relationship". I was a pawn to her, always was and always will be as this interview showed. I can't do anything about her touring with this "doctor" and flaunting my pictures everywhere. She can keep those pictures. That's all she will get of me anymore.
#46.2 - Wed Jul 7, 2010 8:17 AM EDT

peacefor5
I would like to thank y'all for your support. It's strange to have this kind of support from people I've not met. I've thought for years (most of my life) that I was the only one to be in this situation-although growing up you just survive-you don't question...I can only say right now that this was definitely a shock yesterday and I don't think I've fully comes to terms with what happened yesterday. This isn't the first time something like this has happened definitely not on a national level (i don't think anyway). I've come to realize that she will not stop this. Every time I think it's finally "done" something else happens. As I stated before she knows...she knows exactly why. I've always been a pawn for her-a means to an end.This was totally confirmed by her interview yesterday in which she describes our relationship as completely normal and loving (I'm no expert, but I know our relationship was anything but normal) This type of behavior has gone on since I can remember (3 years old maybe). When I became a mother and saw her abuse and disturbing behavior escalate, I decided I had to make a change. I just couldn't allow my then baby to have to deal and process any of her poison. As a mom, the things that were done are just wrong-things I could never imagine putting my child through. I'm not sure at this point I've dealt with everything, probably will never understand, but I decide to move on, to realize I am not her or anything like her. I am grateful however, that through this I've found that I'm not the only one. Some people are just evil, plain and simple. They can come in pretty packages and seem completely unassuming but they are wolves. That's who she is. I have to wonder about the "doctor" though...maybe he just doesn't know her yet....I do appreciate the support and I thank you for letting me know now that I'm not the only one to have made a decision to end a relationship with an abusive, manipulative mother who hides behind deceit and uses people for her own gains. #46.7 - Wed Jul 7, 2010 7:49 PM EDT

peacefor5
Yes, I am her biological daughter. I do not consider her my mother, only in the most "scientific" terms. I read a quote once that said " Giving birth doesn't make you a mother just like owning a piano makes you a pianist"I apologize for the confusion in the earlier post-I'm not a writer. She is toxic as I said earlier. As for "beachlover" I don't know what "His plan" is for me but I know He is in control. What I also know is that He was there during those dark dark times growing up when I was completely alone. I know He carried me through that. He shielded me from her evil influence. I am thankful for that everyday. I'm sure you mean well, but you have no idea who Debby really is and I'm not talking about things she's done but who she truly IS. Her heart is dark. This whole thing, the interview...etc has never been about "our relationship". It's about her....I can't change that and have no desire to. I know what she's capable of and you don't. That is scary. After this nationally televised fiasco, I have no idea what she'll do next. But I have no doubt she won't stop. Years ago I would have been afraid of her and hid in the corner, but not anymore. She doesn't have control over me anymore. I am free of her and that's what makes her come undone. She can't hurt me. Just FYI, if she ever sees these posts here somewhere , it's really going to tick her off that in most of them she's NOT being seen as a victim and most of these people saw right through her!Trust me...she won't be happy! As far as this psychologist goes, he really should do a background check before he picks someone to promote his books. And that's all this was, a book promotion-an exploitation of me/pictures of my youth- a means to an end- Debby will ride this one till it over. She's getting her 15min and I was her pawn-once again.
#46.10 - Wed Jul 7, 2010 10:41 PM EDT

peacefor5
No one asked for permission to use images of me. I guess big NBC doesn't have to. Luckily my children don't watch the Today show! I wasn't watching either but heard about it from a friend who was...
#61.1 - Wed Jul 7, 2010 7:54 PM EDT

Fuck 'em all. Seriously.

So, yesterday was my birthday...and not so much as a single peep from anyone in my N FOO. No messages on Facebook (despite my GM making a comment to her "beautiful grand-daughter", my cousin J, wishing her a happy bday on the 3rd), no emails, no cards, no phone calls, NOTHING. So I've decided, fuck 'em all.

My only "crimes" are walking away from an abusive N mother, stepjerk and half sister and unfriending the rest of them on Facebook. I haven't blocked anyone or issued any "do not contact me" letters to anyone. My phone number is the same, as is my email, and I still live at the same address and the post office still delivers mail here. Anyone in my N FOO has my info and could contact me at any time they wanted to.

A NORMAL friend or family member, upon realizing they had been unfriended on Facebook, likely would have contacted me privately and said, "Hey. Just noticed you unfriended me on Facebook. Everything okay? What's going on?", which would have given me the opportunity to explain that I did so not to be stupid or malicious but because it simply hurt too much to see them all being lovey dovey with one another on FB while ignoring me. Instead, my N FOO jumped to their own conclusions about why I did what I did - apparently I was "immature" among other things - judged me based purely on NM's lies and disowned me from the family.

I wish so much I could truly believe and feel it inside myself when I say, "fuck 'em all". Sadly, it hurts. A LOT. It might not be so bad if I'd actually done something horribly wrong to warrant them now acting like I don't exist. But when my only "crime" is walking away after trying everything I knew to do for over 7 years in an effort to protect myself from outright abuse, it's just so horribly unfair. It's hard to just sit back and say/do nothing to all of them when what I want to say is "How DARE you?!! How DARE you all sit on your high horses and judge me when you know NOTHING!! You all sit there, gossiping and sniping amongst yourselves and shunning me yet you label ME immature??! Shame on all of you!!"

Sadly, given they're all a bunch of holier than thou N's, anything I say would only be a waste of time. Still, it would feel SOOOOO good to finally speak up and give them a piece of my mind.

(Not so) Happy Birthday to me...

So the day started off badly because my ds has been sick with a fever and cold the past few days. Because I've been worried about him, I haven't slept good the past couple nights.

Dh got me a cute card and ds drew me a sweet birthday picture, so that was good. I also got an ecard from my stepmom - and dad but it's clear SM was the one to do all the work and just signed dad's name. Given SM's behavior during their recent visit, it all seemed like a bunch of fake sentiment to me. Still nice to get something though. Especially since there hasn't been so much as a peep from the rest of my N FOO.

Again, I know I should be grateful that they are leaving me alone but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt. I mean, would it kill anyone to send a two second email saying, "Hope you have a great day today. Happy Birthday!"? Don't get me wrong, I'd rather hear nothing than receive some guilt-laden or otherwise manipulative email or letter, but it still hurts to not even be acknowledged. For all intents and purposes, it's like I no longer exist.

To top off this marvelous day, I've had a bad headache most of the day along with an upset stomach. Probably due mostly to stress.

I wonder if this week will bring any (bad?) surprises from the N FOO? Guess we'll have to wait and see...