Got a card in the mail today addressed to ds from the momster. It was a Halloween card. The handwritten note on the inside reads: "(DS' name), Hey BigShot! Hope you have a super-duper Halloween! Love Grandma XX".
Seriously??! Not so much as a single solitary WORD from her since freaking APRIL and now a stupid Halloween card?! I tell you, it makes me SICK to my stomach. I SO want to write her (I won't) and say, "Who the f**k do you think you are kidding lady? The rest of the FOO might be stupid enough to buy the bullshit you're peddling but we are not! If you cared so freaking much, it wouldn't be more important to you to be RIGHT and get your way rather than getting to know your precious grandson and having a relationship with him. So take your fake sentimental shit and SHOVE it, fake ass bitch!"
CLEARLY this was done purely to impress the rest of N FOO as she's currently up in that state and has their captive audience. That said, I don't know which is worse - NM's act of pretending to care or the N FOO for being stupid enough to believe her crap.
So much for my hopes of an NM-free holiday season.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Some more correspondence from my aunt N...ya'll are going to love this!
Got this email from my aunt N today in response to another email I sent her a couple days ago. It reads:
Here's my take on what happened in your mom's sorry life. When she was married to (EF's name), he always came first, and she really bowed to his will and did whatever he wanted. Then they had you, and things got worse-he was adamant that she do things for you in a certain manner, etc, and she was a very nervous mom because of it. Well, the divorce happened, and she was alone with a baby to care for in NGM's house. She was devastated as anyone would be, and you became the center of her life. You became her reason for living, so to speak, and she eventually started dating, and due to her poor self esteem, she married NSJ. (He got lucky, and NM sold herself short) So, a few years later, NHS came along, and NSJ became a bigger asshole. You became a "problem" because not only did EF make their lives miserable, but they also had lawyer bills, etc, and that ALL got blamed on you. (like you had anything to do with it) So forward a few years, and you're a teen. You've been treated like crap all those years, and it's time to rebel. You did so, NSJ matured into a full blown alcoholic and abuser, and NM learned how to stick her head in the sand and avoid any unpleasantness. Once again, anything that happened, was laid at your feet because, after all, it all happened because you were born. (like you had anything to do with that either)
I honestly think that if I confronted NM today about NSJ, she would deny and elaborate and/or lessen what happened. She doesn't remember unpleasantness at all -- in fact she probably thinks you had it pretty good considering how horrible their lives were because of EF. (her version-I'm not necessarily agreeing here) What she does remember is how horrible you were--this has been retold over and over again--every time I take your side in things, I would get emails about how I need to be "very careful" because you were a liar, you stole things, and you had mental issues. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times we've gone over these things--you are a liar--yes, every single person lies--especially when they're young, but that was then, and this is now. You stole--yes, you might have years ago, but that was then and this is now. You have mental issues....well, haven't you gone to the doctor for years because of this? What have they done to help themselves???? I've told NM numerous times that I make my own decisions about people based on my gut feelings, my experiences with them, and the way they handle themselves when I confront them with things. I'm proud to say that you've grown in leaps and bounds in that respect, but sadly, NM catches herself in her own webs of denial and elaborations. She lives in her own world that she's made up in her own mind in order to deal with the mess her life is in. She knows that NSJ is an abuser, but has lied to herself for so long that she believes in her own lies. I won't even touch on NHS-that would take another page. NHS is angry with you and she vents that anger by defending NSJ as being a wonderful example of a father. She too, has talked herself into believing this because she is so used to avoiding the real truth, she doesn't know how to actually deal with the cold hard truth.
Krissy, you were not dealt a fair deal. You'll never be able to resolve or rationalize what happened because what happened should NOT have happened. There really is just no way to make it right. You've dealt with it in a mature manner and you've come out the other side of this a much different person. You are now a mom, determined to NOT make the same mistakes that were made with you as you were growing up. Your husband understands you and supports you. You have a good relationship with your ILs, and our relationship is growing. I know you want more--it's only natural and fair to expect the love of a parent. I know without a doubt that NM loves you, but not in a normal way. NM is very flawed, and I really doubt that that will ever change. Until NM admits that she has issues, and seeks out help for her problems, it's just not going to change. Sadly, she thinks everyone else has problems, but not herself. To be truthful, NM is not happy--she is still up in Cleveland, but even when we're all together, she doesn't act very happy. She lacks what it needs to make a change, and in all fairness, because she's chosen to stay with NSJ, things just won't change. He IS a large part of the problem, but it's not all his fault either. She needed to be strong enough to stand up for what she felt was right, etc. If she's not happy, she needs to figure out why, and pursue her own happiness. Each of us is responsible for our OWN happiness. No one person can make another person happy-long term. Yes, we can do things for each other to make someone's day, etc, but in order to be truly happy, it starts deep down within each of us. We need to feel fulfilled and satisfied in order to be happy. NM has poor relationships with both of you girls, and it makes her uneasy and unhappy. Once again, it all starts with being 100% truthful with each other, and she just doesn't have the ability to do that.
Have a wonderful day!!!!! I know that you'd like for things to be different, but we all have to look at the wonderful things that ARE in our lives and rejoice in them. When I moved here, I was so depressed bc my kids weren't here, and I'm finally getting to the point where I'm happy despite that. I've moved on in my life now, and I'm growing and enjoying this stage of my life. Now when grandbabies come, it'll be a different story--I'll be on the road a lot more I think.
Love you,
N
I kept re-reading this when I first got it because I felt like it should upset me but it didn't. I mean, I find it rather irritating but that's it. At least in this one instance, gone is the hurt that would usually come upon reading/hearing something like this. I'm guessing this is a good thing? LOL
That being said, it IS irritating, mostly because it's all a bunch of CRAP. I'm a liar? As my aunt N said, we ALL lie at some point in our lives and I am certainly no different. But lying above and beyond the norm and deserving of the label of "liar"? NO. If anything, the majority of my lies were told so as not to upset NM anymore than I absolutely had to rather than tell her how I really felt about her and the rest of N FOO's crap.
And stealing? I think I stole a couple of cheap pieces of crap from a dime store once or twice, but N FOO wouldn't know about any of that because I was with friends the couple of times it happened. Not that it's right but I was young and stupid and, as I said, it was items that you'd find in the dime bin at the dollar store. NHS was always claiming I "stole" stuff from her father, NSJ. She claims I'd sneak over there when NM and NSJ were out of town and steal stuff. Whatever. There WERE times I took stuff but I'd either asked NM in advance or it was stuff I knew NM didn't want anymore and, even then, I immediately told her about it just in case and every time NM said it was no problem and I could have the item.
I suppose they have at least a bit of ground to stand on with regard to the mental issues thing but, a) like THEY don't all have their own (much more severe) issues themselves and b) perhaps I wouldn't HAVE so many "mental issues" had I not been forced to grow up in an abusive, chaotic household where I was criticized and demeaned relentlessly and always had to be on guard for one of NSJ's rages. Furthermore, as aunt N mentioned, I've done my work to heal from my mental issues which is a HELL of a lot more than I can say for any of them.
Being badmouthed to others is never a good thing but it's a bit easier to accept when you've actually DONE the things you've been accused of. If you've made a mistake or done something wrong, then you would have to suffer the consequences so to speak, KWIM? But to just have someone make up outright LIES about you just seems so much worse. And for what??? So that they can have their precious N supply?
On the upside, instead of feeling hurt, about all I felt (beyond minor irritation) was amusement. That's right, when I read the things N FOO's been saying - especially the warnings to my aunt N about me - I LAUGHED. I told aunt N as much when I responded to her and I almost hope she tells NM how funny I find their antics too. I can almost picture NM's seething disappointment to learn I no longer give a flying fig about what they say.
After I sent my aunt N a response to her email, this is what I got back from her:
Yeah, it's funny because you say the same things that NM says. She explained the "stealing" the same exact way you tell it-that NHS claims you took things from the pantry, etc. Whatever-it's a bunch of hogwash. My kids take things from this house all the time!!! It's an extension of their own home in my opinion and they're welcome to just about anything in here. I bake cookies to keep in the freezer so that when they visit they can take a taste of home with them. I'd give my kids anything in this house if they needed it, and there's plenty they can have even if they don't!! However, that's not even the point. All of that stuff happened YEARS ago. You cannot be judged for teen behavior forever. Lord knows I did a few things in my younger years. For instance. I used to "borrow" quarters from anyone's wallet in order to buy candy.....yes, I stole money from whoever's wallets were sitting around, and that was my spending money for the drug store. (I was probably 10) I only did it a couple of times, and you know what? I cured myself because the candy I bought just didn't taste very good because I stole the money to buy it. Then there was the time I went down to U of Dayton to visit my dh....I was supposed to stay with my girlfriend down there, but I stayed in the frat house with uncle B and 5 other men!! (I was petrified that my father would call or show up at the front door....I didn't sleep a wink-I was too scared) I could go on and on about the things I did as a teen, but guess what? It made me who I am today, and no one judges me for that stuff of yesteryear. So why are you judged for that stuff? You don't do anything like that today, and I have to tell you that both of my own daughters have had more than one sexual partner. I found out about things like this in a variety of ways and it's private stuff, but I'm telling you so that you know that you are not unusual nor are you "bad". Guess what? I love my daughters and don't think they're sluts because they aren't. Both of them were in relationships and thought themselves in love with the person they had relations with. Because of my open relationship with them, they came to me so that they could be responsible-shook me to my toes, but we handled it and it's history. I would no more bring that up to them now than I would tell their husband/boyfriend. It's just not relevant in their lives today. Oye! I get so irritated about this stuff. I shouldn't talk about it anymore and I won't !
By the way, just so you know, It's been decided that your mom is coming home next weekend. NSJ is afraid it will snow, so he wants to pick her up before the snow flies.
Love you,
N
So, basically, the deal is that my NM, NSJ and NHS claim I am a horrible, evil, dispicable person to the extent that people need to be in fear of their well-being and that of their families because I stole some cookies and whatnot out of NM's pantry on occasion??
BA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!! Seriously??!! You know, we couldn't make this crap up if we tried. It's that crazy!!
I tell you, I damn near peed myself I was laughing so hard last night as I read this latest email from aunt N. As I retold the story to dh, I literally had tears streaming down my face. Since then, dh and I have been teasing one another that I'm going to steal his cookies. LOL
The ironic thing is, I am not the sort of person to ever help myself to anyone's stuff in their house. If we're at a party and it's all laid out for everyone, that's one thing but to just go and visit someone and help myself to their fridge or cabinets/pantry? That's just not me. So when we'd go visit NM, I would always ask first, as would dh, and NM would always reply that it was fine, to help ourselves. Yet somehow that has now turned into my being a thief?
The biggest irony though is that NM used to come over my house and just help herself to whatever, be it food, drink or otherwise. The food and drink items I never minded but it did chap my behind when NM would help herself to other things. For example, NM once walked off with a new cd dh had bought. Didn't say anything to anyone, just stuck it in her purse as she left one day and then told me AFTER the fact over the phone that she had it and that, if dh wanted it back, he could come get it. She also walked off with my bellydance hip scarf that she'd been coveting for some time and a small chalkboard that I no longer used but that ds had taken a fancy to and used often. As of now, she still has both items and refuses to give them back. (Fine by me. They aren't worth the problems that would come from contacting her to get them back!)
Those people - NM, NSJ and NHS - really are freaking NUTS!! Another good thing - I think it's finally starting to really sink in that I really am done with all of them. I love my NM and probably always will but I know now that she'll never, ever change and I can never have her in my life. Slowly, I'm becoming okay with that.
Here's my take on what happened in your mom's sorry life. When she was married to (EF's name), he always came first, and she really bowed to his will and did whatever he wanted. Then they had you, and things got worse-he was adamant that she do things for you in a certain manner, etc, and she was a very nervous mom because of it. Well, the divorce happened, and she was alone with a baby to care for in NGM's house. She was devastated as anyone would be, and you became the center of her life. You became her reason for living, so to speak, and she eventually started dating, and due to her poor self esteem, she married NSJ. (He got lucky, and NM sold herself short) So, a few years later, NHS came along, and NSJ became a bigger asshole. You became a "problem" because not only did EF make their lives miserable, but they also had lawyer bills, etc, and that ALL got blamed on you. (like you had anything to do with it) So forward a few years, and you're a teen. You've been treated like crap all those years, and it's time to rebel. You did so, NSJ matured into a full blown alcoholic and abuser, and NM learned how to stick her head in the sand and avoid any unpleasantness. Once again, anything that happened, was laid at your feet because, after all, it all happened because you were born. (like you had anything to do with that either)
I honestly think that if I confronted NM today about NSJ, she would deny and elaborate and/or lessen what happened. She doesn't remember unpleasantness at all -- in fact she probably thinks you had it pretty good considering how horrible their lives were because of EF. (her version-I'm not necessarily agreeing here) What she does remember is how horrible you were--this has been retold over and over again--every time I take your side in things, I would get emails about how I need to be "very careful" because you were a liar, you stole things, and you had mental issues. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times we've gone over these things--you are a liar--yes, every single person lies--especially when they're young, but that was then, and this is now. You stole--yes, you might have years ago, but that was then and this is now. You have mental issues....well, haven't you gone to the doctor for years because of this? What have they done to help themselves???? I've told NM numerous times that I make my own decisions about people based on my gut feelings, my experiences with them, and the way they handle themselves when I confront them with things. I'm proud to say that you've grown in leaps and bounds in that respect, but sadly, NM catches herself in her own webs of denial and elaborations. She lives in her own world that she's made up in her own mind in order to deal with the mess her life is in. She knows that NSJ is an abuser, but has lied to herself for so long that she believes in her own lies. I won't even touch on NHS-that would take another page. NHS is angry with you and she vents that anger by defending NSJ as being a wonderful example of a father. She too, has talked herself into believing this because she is so used to avoiding the real truth, she doesn't know how to actually deal with the cold hard truth.
Krissy, you were not dealt a fair deal. You'll never be able to resolve or rationalize what happened because what happened should NOT have happened. There really is just no way to make it right. You've dealt with it in a mature manner and you've come out the other side of this a much different person. You are now a mom, determined to NOT make the same mistakes that were made with you as you were growing up. Your husband understands you and supports you. You have a good relationship with your ILs, and our relationship is growing. I know you want more--it's only natural and fair to expect the love of a parent. I know without a doubt that NM loves you, but not in a normal way. NM is very flawed, and I really doubt that that will ever change. Until NM admits that she has issues, and seeks out help for her problems, it's just not going to change. Sadly, she thinks everyone else has problems, but not herself. To be truthful, NM is not happy--she is still up in Cleveland, but even when we're all together, she doesn't act very happy. She lacks what it needs to make a change, and in all fairness, because she's chosen to stay with NSJ, things just won't change. He IS a large part of the problem, but it's not all his fault either. She needed to be strong enough to stand up for what she felt was right, etc. If she's not happy, she needs to figure out why, and pursue her own happiness. Each of us is responsible for our OWN happiness. No one person can make another person happy-long term. Yes, we can do things for each other to make someone's day, etc, but in order to be truly happy, it starts deep down within each of us. We need to feel fulfilled and satisfied in order to be happy. NM has poor relationships with both of you girls, and it makes her uneasy and unhappy. Once again, it all starts with being 100% truthful with each other, and she just doesn't have the ability to do that.
Have a wonderful day!!!!! I know that you'd like for things to be different, but we all have to look at the wonderful things that ARE in our lives and rejoice in them. When I moved here, I was so depressed bc my kids weren't here, and I'm finally getting to the point where I'm happy despite that. I've moved on in my life now, and I'm growing and enjoying this stage of my life. Now when grandbabies come, it'll be a different story--I'll be on the road a lot more I think.
Love you,
N
I kept re-reading this when I first got it because I felt like it should upset me but it didn't. I mean, I find it rather irritating but that's it. At least in this one instance, gone is the hurt that would usually come upon reading/hearing something like this. I'm guessing this is a good thing? LOL
That being said, it IS irritating, mostly because it's all a bunch of CRAP. I'm a liar? As my aunt N said, we ALL lie at some point in our lives and I am certainly no different. But lying above and beyond the norm and deserving of the label of "liar"? NO. If anything, the majority of my lies were told so as not to upset NM anymore than I absolutely had to rather than tell her how I really felt about her and the rest of N FOO's crap.
And stealing? I think I stole a couple of cheap pieces of crap from a dime store once or twice, but N FOO wouldn't know about any of that because I was with friends the couple of times it happened. Not that it's right but I was young and stupid and, as I said, it was items that you'd find in the dime bin at the dollar store. NHS was always claiming I "stole" stuff from her father, NSJ. She claims I'd sneak over there when NM and NSJ were out of town and steal stuff. Whatever. There WERE times I took stuff but I'd either asked NM in advance or it was stuff I knew NM didn't want anymore and, even then, I immediately told her about it just in case and every time NM said it was no problem and I could have the item.
I suppose they have at least a bit of ground to stand on with regard to the mental issues thing but, a) like THEY don't all have their own (much more severe) issues themselves and b) perhaps I wouldn't HAVE so many "mental issues" had I not been forced to grow up in an abusive, chaotic household where I was criticized and demeaned relentlessly and always had to be on guard for one of NSJ's rages. Furthermore, as aunt N mentioned, I've done my work to heal from my mental issues which is a HELL of a lot more than I can say for any of them.
Being badmouthed to others is never a good thing but it's a bit easier to accept when you've actually DONE the things you've been accused of. If you've made a mistake or done something wrong, then you would have to suffer the consequences so to speak, KWIM? But to just have someone make up outright LIES about you just seems so much worse. And for what??? So that they can have their precious N supply?
On the upside, instead of feeling hurt, about all I felt (beyond minor irritation) was amusement. That's right, when I read the things N FOO's been saying - especially the warnings to my aunt N about me - I LAUGHED. I told aunt N as much when I responded to her and I almost hope she tells NM how funny I find their antics too. I can almost picture NM's seething disappointment to learn I no longer give a flying fig about what they say.
After I sent my aunt N a response to her email, this is what I got back from her:
Yeah, it's funny because you say the same things that NM says. She explained the "stealing" the same exact way you tell it-that NHS claims you took things from the pantry, etc. Whatever-it's a bunch of hogwash. My kids take things from this house all the time!!! It's an extension of their own home in my opinion and they're welcome to just about anything in here. I bake cookies to keep in the freezer so that when they visit they can take a taste of home with them. I'd give my kids anything in this house if they needed it, and there's plenty they can have even if they don't!! However, that's not even the point. All of that stuff happened YEARS ago. You cannot be judged for teen behavior forever. Lord knows I did a few things in my younger years. For instance. I used to "borrow" quarters from anyone's wallet in order to buy candy.....yes, I stole money from whoever's wallets were sitting around, and that was my spending money for the drug store. (I was probably 10) I only did it a couple of times, and you know what? I cured myself because the candy I bought just didn't taste very good because I stole the money to buy it. Then there was the time I went down to U of Dayton to visit my dh....I was supposed to stay with my girlfriend down there, but I stayed in the frat house with uncle B and 5 other men!! (I was petrified that my father would call or show up at the front door....I didn't sleep a wink-I was too scared) I could go on and on about the things I did as a teen, but guess what? It made me who I am today, and no one judges me for that stuff of yesteryear. So why are you judged for that stuff? You don't do anything like that today, and I have to tell you that both of my own daughters have had more than one sexual partner. I found out about things like this in a variety of ways and it's private stuff, but I'm telling you so that you know that you are not unusual nor are you "bad". Guess what? I love my daughters and don't think they're sluts because they aren't. Both of them were in relationships and thought themselves in love with the person they had relations with. Because of my open relationship with them, they came to me so that they could be responsible-shook me to my toes, but we handled it and it's history. I would no more bring that up to them now than I would tell their husband/boyfriend. It's just not relevant in their lives today. Oye! I get so irritated about this stuff. I shouldn't talk about it anymore and I won't !
By the way, just so you know, It's been decided that your mom is coming home next weekend. NSJ is afraid it will snow, so he wants to pick her up before the snow flies.
Love you,
N
So, basically, the deal is that my NM, NSJ and NHS claim I am a horrible, evil, dispicable person to the extent that people need to be in fear of their well-being and that of their families because I stole some cookies and whatnot out of NM's pantry on occasion??
BA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!! Seriously??!! You know, we couldn't make this crap up if we tried. It's that crazy!!
I tell you, I damn near peed myself I was laughing so hard last night as I read this latest email from aunt N. As I retold the story to dh, I literally had tears streaming down my face. Since then, dh and I have been teasing one another that I'm going to steal his cookies. LOL
The ironic thing is, I am not the sort of person to ever help myself to anyone's stuff in their house. If we're at a party and it's all laid out for everyone, that's one thing but to just go and visit someone and help myself to their fridge or cabinets/pantry? That's just not me. So when we'd go visit NM, I would always ask first, as would dh, and NM would always reply that it was fine, to help ourselves. Yet somehow that has now turned into my being a thief?
The biggest irony though is that NM used to come over my house and just help herself to whatever, be it food, drink or otherwise. The food and drink items I never minded but it did chap my behind when NM would help herself to other things. For example, NM once walked off with a new cd dh had bought. Didn't say anything to anyone, just stuck it in her purse as she left one day and then told me AFTER the fact over the phone that she had it and that, if dh wanted it back, he could come get it. She also walked off with my bellydance hip scarf that she'd been coveting for some time and a small chalkboard that I no longer used but that ds had taken a fancy to and used often. As of now, she still has both items and refuses to give them back. (Fine by me. They aren't worth the problems that would come from contacting her to get them back!)
Those people - NM, NSJ and NHS - really are freaking NUTS!! Another good thing - I think it's finally starting to really sink in that I really am done with all of them. I love my NM and probably always will but I know now that she'll never, ever change and I can never have her in my life. Slowly, I'm becoming okay with that.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Sometimes I just get sick and tired of it all...
Yesterday on Facebook, my aunt N posted this as her status message:
I have carried a baby within my body. I have nourished and comforted a child on my chest. I have kissed booboos, wiped tears, been woken up in the middle of the night to a feverish child and more, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My body isn't magazine perfect, but when I look in the mirror, I see a Mom and there is NO greater honor. I Love and cherish my kids!!!
(Let me be clear here, as there was come confusion when I posted about this on the DoNM board, that this was not what I took issue with. That part is coming up.)
Because, as a proud mom myself, I wholeheartedly agreed with her sentiment, I posted "AMEN!!" as a response. Shortly after that, my NGM chimed in with: "You're so right N, having children is the most wonderful gift from God." THIS was the part that caused me to roll my eyes.
It's not that I was hurt exactly, it was more a feeling of, "Seriously? Again with the stupid P/A game playing?" *sigh* It was the feeling of being sick and tired of my N FOO never just coming out and saying what's on their mind but instead playing these little mind games all the time. And I actually probably wouldn't have thought anything of it at all had it not been posted after my response and/or had my NGM not made similar comments before that were later confirmed by others to be intended as P/A.
At this point, I'd almost rather just receive a nasty, scathing email from each of them and be done with it all. These constant P/A games are like trying to watch a movie and having a gnat keep flying into your field of vision or like having one of those itches that you can't scratch. Not painful but a major nuisance and irritating as all hell.
For the record, the problem has since been taken care of. I had already blocked a few of my N FOO members several months ago when I originally unfriended all of them on FB. However, several people had their settings set in such a way that only people on their friends list could search for them so when I tried to block them, I was unable to find them. Thankfully, someone on the DoNM board knew another way I could do it so I was able to block the remaining people yesterday. YAY! So now, I no longer have to worry about seeing their stupid comments and wonder "Did they mean that to be nasty or not?".
On a bit of a side note, I continue to be amazed at how far I've come in just a few months. Even as recently as July, I think something like the P/A jab on FB probably would have upset me quite a bit and I'd have continued hurting and chewing on it for at least a couple days. Instead, yesterday I merely rolled my eyes and thought, "Oh for pete's sake! Again?!" and set about finding a way to take care of the problem.
It'll be interesting to see how I continue to heal and grow now that I'm NC.
I have carried a baby within my body. I have nourished and comforted a child on my chest. I have kissed booboos, wiped tears, been woken up in the middle of the night to a feverish child and more, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My body isn't magazine perfect, but when I look in the mirror, I see a Mom and there is NO greater honor. I Love and cherish my kids!!!
(Let me be clear here, as there was come confusion when I posted about this on the DoNM board, that this was not what I took issue with. That part is coming up.)
Because, as a proud mom myself, I wholeheartedly agreed with her sentiment, I posted "AMEN!!" as a response. Shortly after that, my NGM chimed in with: "You're so right N, having children is the most wonderful gift from God." THIS was the part that caused me to roll my eyes.
It's not that I was hurt exactly, it was more a feeling of, "Seriously? Again with the stupid P/A game playing?" *sigh* It was the feeling of being sick and tired of my N FOO never just coming out and saying what's on their mind but instead playing these little mind games all the time. And I actually probably wouldn't have thought anything of it at all had it not been posted after my response and/or had my NGM not made similar comments before that were later confirmed by others to be intended as P/A.
At this point, I'd almost rather just receive a nasty, scathing email from each of them and be done with it all. These constant P/A games are like trying to watch a movie and having a gnat keep flying into your field of vision or like having one of those itches that you can't scratch. Not painful but a major nuisance and irritating as all hell.
For the record, the problem has since been taken care of. I had already blocked a few of my N FOO members several months ago when I originally unfriended all of them on FB. However, several people had their settings set in such a way that only people on their friends list could search for them so when I tried to block them, I was unable to find them. Thankfully, someone on the DoNM board knew another way I could do it so I was able to block the remaining people yesterday. YAY! So now, I no longer have to worry about seeing their stupid comments and wonder "Did they mean that to be nasty or not?".
On a bit of a side note, I continue to be amazed at how far I've come in just a few months. Even as recently as July, I think something like the P/A jab on FB probably would have upset me quite a bit and I'd have continued hurting and chewing on it for at least a couple days. Instead, yesterday I merely rolled my eyes and thought, "Oh for pete's sake! Again?!" and set about finding a way to take care of the problem.
It'll be interesting to see how I continue to heal and grow now that I'm NC.
Monday, October 11, 2010
9 months and some news...
Well, this past Saturday marked 9 months of NC for me. I think I may have mentioned in a recent post that I'd been missing my NM a bit. Not enough to contact her exactly but just feeling down about the whole situation and missing the few good times we've had together, far and few between though they were. Well, not any more.
I still am in contact with my aunt N. She's actually about the ONLY FOO member I'm in touch with these days as the rest have apparently decided to side with NM and refuse to speak to me anymore. My cousin, "M", got married recently (not to be confused with my other cousin, "C", who got married a couple weeks before "M") and, since NM is up there taking care of my NGM who injured her knee, she was at that wedding as well.
Apparently NHS and BIL had to leave C's wedding because my nephew threw up which, according to NHS, "he does all the time for attention". I was, naturally, a tad shocked and concerned when I heard this and have been worried for my niece and nephew for a long time now, long before going NC with my NHS and NBIL a year and a half ago. Apparently I am right to be concerned because my aunt N says that my niece, "A", STILL has problems walking and doing stairs, can't run without falling down and still crosses a room by going from one piece of furniture to the next to hold onto for support. The child is now 6 or 7, not sure which sadly. These problems started when she was about 3 or 4. My NHS and NBIL refuse to do anything about it and claim she's merely "flat-footed". When pushed, they claim they've taken her to 9 specialists but I know that's a total crock as they cancelled out on going to the first specialist like 5 times. I don't think they ever wound up going, though there may have been ONE visit but certainly not NINE specialists!
I had considered strongly calling up the local authorities and at least asking their opinion on what can be done. However, I've decided not to call. It was a very hard decision to make and, if it was still just me and dh, I'd have been on the phone yesterday. But I have my own ds to think about and NHS and NBIL have threatened me many times before that if NBIL or NHS' dad (NSJ) ever gets into trouble because of my "lies" that they will spend the rest of their lives making mine miserable. I would not put it past them AT ALL to lie and claim my ds is abused or whatever and cause problems for me. And I've known some people whose kids were taken from them temporarily while everything was looked into and sorted out and I refuse to let my ds be traumatized like that just so NHS and NBIL can wreak their disgusting revenge. I feel bad walking away but, to be honest, I'm not sure there's much the authorities could do anyway. The kids aren't physically abused, they are well fed and clothed and any authority would likely walk in there, see those things and say, "Nevermind." The sad fact is that emotional/verbal abuse doesn't really register with them and can be very hard to prove anyway. I just hope and pray that now that the kids are in school, the teachers and/or staff there will notice these things and take steps to have it corrected.
Also got some news about NM and NSJ. Aunt N wrote:
(Your NM) hasn't changed. I was feeling her out about the whole situation, and she feels the same exact way - she also misses you terribly, but things would have to be different if you 2 were to have a relationship. Well, no kidding! However, I honestly don't feel that she thinks SHE has to do anything different. NSJ overheard me saying that ds was going to preschool, and he made some asshole comment about, 'OMG, you mean they sent the child to school??' I turned around and said YES, they enrolled him in preschool and he's doing fantastic. I really wanted to say more - I wanted to rub it in his face that you guys are doing a MUCH better job at raising ds than his daughter is raising B and A, but I shut my mouth and didn't start a war. It's not my fight, and I don't want a fight. NSJ just isn't worth it. He has anger about the whole situation, but he doesn't seem to understand that HE is the cause of much of the unrest between you 2. Also, neither of them understand why you wouldn't let NM take ds out on his own - I think that's what prompted the school comment - NSJ thinks you just can't let ds out of your sight. I don't know how NM stands to live with him, but she tells me that she misses him a lot and she's homesick. I can understand that she misses her home, but I've never understood the NSJ thing.
This part understandably pissed me off for multiple reasons:
1) As always, I'M the one who supposedly has all the problems and who would need to change if NM and I were to have a relationship again. *sigh* I really do get so sick and tired of constantly being the SG with these people. (I refuse to call them a family.)
2) NM supposedly "misses me terribly" yet not only has she not tried to contact me once in 9 months but she's also been going around smearing me to anyone and everyone who will give her the time of day. Even when I WAS still in contact with her, we maybe saw her two or three times a month because she was always "so busy" doing whatever. (Mind you, she found time to visit with NHS and her two kids weekly, sometimes a couple times a week.)
3) Seriously? AGAIN with the "Why couldn't I take ds out by myself?" bullshit? As God is my witness, I have told NM my reasons why at least a dozen times and I have been crystal clear about it so that there would be no misunderstanding. She KNOWS damn well what the reasons are, she just chooses to feign ignorance because, in her own words, "you can't blame me for what I don't understand."
4) This probably pisses me off the most. Where in the HELL NSJ gets off thinking he has ANY right whatsoever to comment on me and my life is beyond me. He's made it clear from day one that he not only hates and resents me to no end but that he wanted nothing to do with me. He was always making comments about how he wished my NM would have just given me to my father years ago and been done with me or about how he resented "wasting" his money on me, yet he thinks that he has some right to comment about my life or that anyone, most of all ME, gives a flying f**k about his opinion??!
That fat, disgusting, perverted PIG of a man....nay, that THING, made my life a living hell. From as far back as I can remember, he abused me physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually harassed me daily. He made me feel lower and more worthless than dog shit on his shoe. Where in the HELL does he get off judging me and my life?? Even if I didn't let my ds out of my sight - which is a total crock because not only does ds go to preschool but he goes to my IL's on his own almost every weekend, Saturday AND Sunday - being overprotective is a DAMN lot better than abusing and torturing a child like he did to me!
Oooh, I HATE that man! I hate him, I hate him, I HATE him. Actually, "hate" isn't nearly a strong enough word. I loathe him. I despise him. Every single thing about him disgusts me all the way to the very core of my being. Regardless, I have and will continue to pray that I'm able to forgive him. Why? Because I refuse to let him continue to control me through my bitterness and hatred of him. He's simply NOT WORTH IT.
I was angry after reading my aunt N's email but, ironically enough, within about 30 minutes or so, I felt fine. Even now, I could care less about most of it, save for the NSJ thing. NM, NHS and NBIL? Pfffffft! Let them say what they will. They are sad, pathetic creatures and I no longer care to waste my time being upset over what they say or think about me. As for NSJ, yes, I admit he still gets to me. I'm working on it and it seems to be helping as these things just don't get to me like they used to. In fact, I'm already feeling better which is pretty amazing seeing as how, even a few short months ago, something like this would have had me upset for days, if not a week or more. Now however, I'm able to shrug most of it off within a few minutes.
One thing I've found that really helps is to say to myself, "My intention is..." and then fill in the blank. For example, after reading that news about my N FOO, I said to myself, "My intention is to let this go and not allow them to continue hurting me. They aren't worth it." Almost immediately I started to feel better and within about a half hour, I was perfectly calm and relaxed again. It doesn't always work quite that fast - and I really have no idea why it works at all - but it seems to do the trick so I'll keep doing it!
Hope all of you are doing well!
DA
I still am in contact with my aunt N. She's actually about the ONLY FOO member I'm in touch with these days as the rest have apparently decided to side with NM and refuse to speak to me anymore. My cousin, "M", got married recently (not to be confused with my other cousin, "C", who got married a couple weeks before "M") and, since NM is up there taking care of my NGM who injured her knee, she was at that wedding as well.
Apparently NHS and BIL had to leave C's wedding because my nephew threw up which, according to NHS, "he does all the time for attention". I was, naturally, a tad shocked and concerned when I heard this and have been worried for my niece and nephew for a long time now, long before going NC with my NHS and NBIL a year and a half ago. Apparently I am right to be concerned because my aunt N says that my niece, "A", STILL has problems walking and doing stairs, can't run without falling down and still crosses a room by going from one piece of furniture to the next to hold onto for support. The child is now 6 or 7, not sure which sadly. These problems started when she was about 3 or 4. My NHS and NBIL refuse to do anything about it and claim she's merely "flat-footed". When pushed, they claim they've taken her to 9 specialists but I know that's a total crock as they cancelled out on going to the first specialist like 5 times. I don't think they ever wound up going, though there may have been ONE visit but certainly not NINE specialists!
I had considered strongly calling up the local authorities and at least asking their opinion on what can be done. However, I've decided not to call. It was a very hard decision to make and, if it was still just me and dh, I'd have been on the phone yesterday. But I have my own ds to think about and NHS and NBIL have threatened me many times before that if NBIL or NHS' dad (NSJ) ever gets into trouble because of my "lies" that they will spend the rest of their lives making mine miserable. I would not put it past them AT ALL to lie and claim my ds is abused or whatever and cause problems for me. And I've known some people whose kids were taken from them temporarily while everything was looked into and sorted out and I refuse to let my ds be traumatized like that just so NHS and NBIL can wreak their disgusting revenge. I feel bad walking away but, to be honest, I'm not sure there's much the authorities could do anyway. The kids aren't physically abused, they are well fed and clothed and any authority would likely walk in there, see those things and say, "Nevermind." The sad fact is that emotional/verbal abuse doesn't really register with them and can be very hard to prove anyway. I just hope and pray that now that the kids are in school, the teachers and/or staff there will notice these things and take steps to have it corrected.
Also got some news about NM and NSJ. Aunt N wrote:
(Your NM) hasn't changed. I was feeling her out about the whole situation, and she feels the same exact way - she also misses you terribly, but things would have to be different if you 2 were to have a relationship. Well, no kidding! However, I honestly don't feel that she thinks SHE has to do anything different. NSJ overheard me saying that ds was going to preschool, and he made some asshole comment about, 'OMG, you mean they sent the child to school??' I turned around and said YES, they enrolled him in preschool and he's doing fantastic. I really wanted to say more - I wanted to rub it in his face that you guys are doing a MUCH better job at raising ds than his daughter is raising B and A, but I shut my mouth and didn't start a war. It's not my fight, and I don't want a fight. NSJ just isn't worth it. He has anger about the whole situation, but he doesn't seem to understand that HE is the cause of much of the unrest between you 2. Also, neither of them understand why you wouldn't let NM take ds out on his own - I think that's what prompted the school comment - NSJ thinks you just can't let ds out of your sight. I don't know how NM stands to live with him, but she tells me that she misses him a lot and she's homesick. I can understand that she misses her home, but I've never understood the NSJ thing.
This part understandably pissed me off for multiple reasons:
1) As always, I'M the one who supposedly has all the problems and who would need to change if NM and I were to have a relationship again. *sigh* I really do get so sick and tired of constantly being the SG with these people. (I refuse to call them a family.)
2) NM supposedly "misses me terribly" yet not only has she not tried to contact me once in 9 months but she's also been going around smearing me to anyone and everyone who will give her the time of day. Even when I WAS still in contact with her, we maybe saw her two or three times a month because she was always "so busy" doing whatever. (Mind you, she found time to visit with NHS and her two kids weekly, sometimes a couple times a week.)
3) Seriously? AGAIN with the "Why couldn't I take ds out by myself?" bullshit? As God is my witness, I have told NM my reasons why at least a dozen times and I have been crystal clear about it so that there would be no misunderstanding. She KNOWS damn well what the reasons are, she just chooses to feign ignorance because, in her own words, "you can't blame me for what I don't understand."
4) This probably pisses me off the most. Where in the HELL NSJ gets off thinking he has ANY right whatsoever to comment on me and my life is beyond me. He's made it clear from day one that he not only hates and resents me to no end but that he wanted nothing to do with me. He was always making comments about how he wished my NM would have just given me to my father years ago and been done with me or about how he resented "wasting" his money on me, yet he thinks that he has some right to comment about my life or that anyone, most of all ME, gives a flying f**k about his opinion??!
That fat, disgusting, perverted PIG of a man....nay, that THING, made my life a living hell. From as far back as I can remember, he abused me physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually harassed me daily. He made me feel lower and more worthless than dog shit on his shoe. Where in the HELL does he get off judging me and my life?? Even if I didn't let my ds out of my sight - which is a total crock because not only does ds go to preschool but he goes to my IL's on his own almost every weekend, Saturday AND Sunday - being overprotective is a DAMN lot better than abusing and torturing a child like he did to me!
Oooh, I HATE that man! I hate him, I hate him, I HATE him. Actually, "hate" isn't nearly a strong enough word. I loathe him. I despise him. Every single thing about him disgusts me all the way to the very core of my being. Regardless, I have and will continue to pray that I'm able to forgive him. Why? Because I refuse to let him continue to control me through my bitterness and hatred of him. He's simply NOT WORTH IT.
I was angry after reading my aunt N's email but, ironically enough, within about 30 minutes or so, I felt fine. Even now, I could care less about most of it, save for the NSJ thing. NM, NHS and NBIL? Pfffffft! Let them say what they will. They are sad, pathetic creatures and I no longer care to waste my time being upset over what they say or think about me. As for NSJ, yes, I admit he still gets to me. I'm working on it and it seems to be helping as these things just don't get to me like they used to. In fact, I'm already feeling better which is pretty amazing seeing as how, even a few short months ago, something like this would have had me upset for days, if not a week or more. Now however, I'm able to shrug most of it off within a few minutes.
One thing I've found that really helps is to say to myself, "My intention is..." and then fill in the blank. For example, after reading that news about my N FOO, I said to myself, "My intention is to let this go and not allow them to continue hurting me. They aren't worth it." Almost immediately I started to feel better and within about a half hour, I was perfectly calm and relaxed again. It doesn't always work quite that fast - and I really have no idea why it works at all - but it seems to do the trick so I'll keep doing it!
Hope all of you are doing well!
DA
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About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.