Feeling all over the place regarding NM...

A couple weeks ago, I just wanted back out of the newly LC relationship I'd gotten into with NM. I felt at the time she was playing games, giving me the "silent treatment" because she didn't like that I'd told her she can't see ds right now. Since then, I've heard word from a couple people that would seem to point to NM not having any ill intent or deliberately trying to punish me in any way. I still feel in my gut that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment but I also have to admit, if I'm to be honest with myself, that it is at least POSSIBLE that there was no malicious intent that maybe she was just busy or whatever.

There are several parts to what I'm feeling. I'll try to list them all here but I may ramble a bit.

Part of me feels stuck now because, since I'm not 100% sure NM did anything deliberately to be hurtful, I feel I have no valid reason to walk away. Don't know why I should need a REASON exactly, but it just feels appropriate that there should be one?

I've also heard some songs lately, angry songs, and been reading here a bit more than usual and when all combined, my old friend anger has returned with a vengeance. All the memories of all the shit NM has pulled over the years, all the hateful, hurtful things she said during NC, how she tried to turn my extended FOO against me, how she smeared me to everyone who'd listen to her, it just makes me to damned ANGRY at her. On one hand, I want to smash her face into a pulp and, on the other, I wish it were possible to completely open my pain to her and get her to understand so that she would then feel the pain of knowing what she'd done to me. Then I would turn and walk away from her and leave her with no chance of being forgiven or of finding absolution so that she'd just have to ROT for eternity knowing what she'd done, the pain she'd caused. As a mother, I'd find that way worse than being beaten to death and I feel my "mother" deserves all that hell and more. (Seeing the anger yet? LOL)

When I think of all those things, I just want to tell her to go fuck herself and walk away and go back to NC again. Problem is, it would also mean I'd once again catch flack from the extended FOO, some of whom I'm just now finally starting to talk to again and have some form of a positive relationship with.

But then I start thinking to myself, "NM hasn't really done anything that wrong since I've been back in contact with her and it would be cruel to just walk away again considering that. Besides, what happens when two weeks/months/years down the line I long to make contact with her again? It wouldn't be nice to jerk someone around like that and, regardless of what she's done to deserve it, it's not the sort of person *I* want to be." At this point, I start thinking maybe I should just leave things as they are (which is extreme LC, emphasis on the extreme part) only then I start feeling like, "But I wanna tell her off and walk away! I wanna HURT her!" (Okay, so maybe she can't be hurt like a normal person but there's gotta be a way to hurt her to some degree.)

To clarify, I'm hardly sitting here freaking out or all upset about this situation, though it IS on my mind a lot. I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm feeling and decide what I should do. I guess I also don't feel like it's OKAY or appropriate to do what I'm feeling I want to do in regards to telling her off and wanting to hurt her. I know that my anger is righteous and earned and I know that NM has done things to deserve and earn whatever I feel toward her. She's been a shitty mother and a worse human being and, as such, deserves what she gets in the way of people being angry at her, etc. I just so don't want to be one of those people who gets all caught up in being bitter, angry and wanting revenge, ya know? While NC, I thought I'd forgiven NM - for MY sake - and let go of most all of the anger and bitterness and now here it is again, full force and I'm just like, "Damn! I thought I'd made more progress than this! Will this ever end? Will I ever finally be free of all this?" My T, bless her, just keeps saying, "It's a process." but I am BEYOND ready for this freaking process to be OVER, KWIM?

In talking with dh about this last night, it also occurred to me that what I want most of all is to be right. Dr. Phil often will ask his guests, "Do you want to fix this and heal from it or do you wanna be right?". Ideally, I'd say both but if I had to pick one, at this point, I want to be right. It feels GOOD to hear people say that my NM is a nutjob an that I'm right to stay as far away from her as possible. For so many years I was told I was wrong/bad/stupid/over-reacting/too sensitive/etc. and for once I just wanna be right. The problem is, the "high" that comes from that kind of validation only lasts for so long and then I'm right back to needing another "fix".

Not sure what I'm looking for here exactly. I mostly just needed to get all this out of my head. (And maybe be heard?)

Thanks if you made it this far. I know I can be long-worded sometimes!

Hugs, 

DA xx

Difficult morning...

It's been a slightly difficult morning. Today was ds' first day of kindergarten. He did great, just walked right in all confident and self-assured. So different from how I was even at that young age, painfully shy and with little to no self-confidence whatsoever. I had to call him back for a good-bye hug because he was so excited and interested in what was going on in his classroom. LOL

I just hope and pray so much that his school experience is a positive one. At various times throughout my life, I've heard others call their school years "the best years of their life". It always perplexed me as school was a hellish experience for me, one that I loathed then and continue to look back on with very painful, negative memories. I can remember being bullied pretty much every single day from kindergarten/first grade all the way through graduation senior year. I didn't have many friends at all, still don't really, and was horribly shy. And, of course, I think it goes without saying that NM was zero help when it came to bullying at school. The couple of times NHS and I told her about incidents, her only advice was to "just ignore [the bully]". Don't know why I should be surprised as that was the exact advice she always gave me when I'd complain about NSJ's abuse.

Today is kind of bittersweet for me. One one hand, I am so excited to watch ds begin this new adventure in his life. I have a feeling he's really going to like school and make a ton of friends. He'll be one of those people who look back later in life and say, "Those were some of the best years of my life." On the other hand though, it's kind of painful. My baby is growing up and becoming a boy. He's growing away from me. I can remember the day he was born, the first time I held him, the day we brought him home from the hospital, his first birthday, his first word, when he began to crawl....where does the time go and why must it go by so quickly?

Above all though, it saddens me because I feel all this so intensely and know in my heart that my NM has never felt the same. Rather than missing me and the house feeling empty when I started kindergarten, NM was probably glad to have a break from having to deal with me. Rather than hating that I was growing up and away from her, she was probably happy and in a hurry for me to grow up even faster so that she could get me out of her house. Most mothers cry when their kids move out. Not my NM. She was all, "Finally! Now I have my house back and all to myself!" Days like today are a horrible reminder of all I was cheated out of in a mother.

Despite that, I am happy because I know that my son will never know that pain. He'll never know the feeling of having to ride a bus home and come home to an empty house after school at the tender age of only 6 years and having to let himself inside and wait alone for a few hours until his parents get home from work. He'll never know the pain of feeling he has to choose between his mother and father and pick a loyalty to one or the other. He'll never know what it's like to have adult issues placed on his shoulders and bear that awful responsibility. He'll never have to be an adult when he's still a child. Best of all, he'll never know the pain of feeling he's never good enough or that he isn't loved by his parents. He can feel safe and trust and believe that he is worthy and good enough and loved unconditionally by dh and I. He is free to just be a kid, where his biggest worry is what video game to play first.

Can't wait until ds gets home today so we can sit down over a big plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies (his favorite) and talk all about what a great 1st day he had at kindergarten today!

Back to feeling confused about what to do...

So, no word from NM for about two weeks (save for those two email forwards) and then yesterday, I got some IM's from her. The way our computer is, we usually have multiple tabs up at any given time and then just leave it on when we're not using it. Hence, it may appear that I am online when I'm really not. That was the situation yesterday with NM, it looked to her like I was online in my email but I wasn't. Thinking I was online, she sent the following IM's:


Aug 18 4:25 PM
NM:  Hi-I thought that you might have left town and not told me! Where you been?

Aug 18 4:30 PM
NM:  Did you write anything yet? Went over to another page and my note was erased?

Aug 18 4:32 PM
NM:  Okay...be that way-gotta take (the dog) out anyway! XX

Aug 18 6:01 PM
NM:  Are you going to talk to me this time-hmmm?

To outsiders, I'm sure it would appear that she was just joking around with me and wasn't the least bit upset or whatever and I'm sure NM would see it the same way. However, to me, the comments come across as very passive-aggressive. Basically, she didn't like my response to her last email telling her she couldn't see ds anytime soon so she "punished" me by not speaking to me for two weeks and, now that she's over it, suddenly she's IM'ing me and stuff again acting like everything is peachy keen only she's pissed that I wasn't sitting at my computer awaiting her to message me so I could respond immediately.

I also got this in my email inbox earlier:

Hi!  Just a short note to find out if you are still amongst the living.  I was online yesterday around the same time as you, and started to write, but got no answer.  Hope everything is well with you and that ds is okay.  How's the dog doing?

Hope to talk to ya soon.  Love you XX

p.s.  How's the business coming along?

A couple things irk me about her message. 1) Funny how she's supposedly SO concerned with how ds is doing and his welfare yet she was willing to walk away out of his life simply because she couldn't have everything go exactly the way SHE wanted it. 2) What's all this sudden interest in my business? Every time I talk to her recently, she's asking how my business is doing. I sincerely doubt she actually cares one way or the other and, to be honest, her comments always ring fake to me.

On one hand, I long for the peace and solitude of NC again. I really don't feel like responding or having anything to do with NM at this time. But if the past was any indication, what happens when a few weeks or months from now I again feel like I want to contact NM and see how she's doing? Forget that NM is a bitch and/or what she deserves - I don't want to be the sort of person to jerk another person around and it just plain old wouldn't be right to keep going back and forth like that. Hence my problem.

I honestly don't know what to do. One second, I want to go back to NC only to have that turn into feelings of I don't know and then that turns into I want to stay extreme LC and on an don. That is compounded by the fact that I am totally unsure if NC is the correct way to go since I feel fairly sure that I will want to contact her again at some point in the future and, if I go back to NC, that will close that door permanently. Dh suggested I just write to NM and tell her that it's not her, it's me - though he did suggest using a bit different wording. That way, the door would be left unlocked should I choose to open it again in the future.

There's also a part of me that wants to be completely honest with NM and lay my feelings all out on the table. I guess what I'd hope to accomplish by doing that is for HER to reject ME and cut ME off first. (How screwed up is that??!! Like I haven't suffered enough rejection and pain at this point??) Then I could walk away saying, "Well, I did all I could" and not have any residual guilt. 

Of course there's also two smaller parts of me - one that wants to stick it to NM and hurt her, even if just a little, as repayment for all the hell she's put me through and one that longs for a close, loving relationship with my NM.

Maybe the best thing would be to hold off making any decisions until I've had a chance to speak to my T again. But that might take a couple weeks to get an appointment and then what do I do about NM? If I continue not responding, she's going to take it that I've cut her off and gone NC again and that will bring up all sorts of drama again with the extended FOO that I really don't need in my life right now.

*disgusted sigh* Why, oh WHY can't these situations be easier? Why does it always seem to be an uphill battle? Is it just a life filled with an unusual amount of bad luck or is it the legacy of a DoNM?

A mini update...

Just thought I'd update you all re: the NM situation. I've actually been feeling much better the past day and a half or so. NM isn't on my mind nearly as much and I've been able to relax and enjoy myself again. The insomnia seems to be mostly gone as well along with the nightmares. I think that chat with dh and the light bulb moment of realizing that I'm ashamed simply for being really helped to purge some of the negativity so I could decompress a bit.

I had written to my aunt N to see if she'd heard anything from NM and finally heard back yesterday. She wrote:

I really don't think you're being played by NM. I just talked to her, and she didn't seem mad at all, or even resentful. She simply stated that she had requested to see ds, and you wrote back to say that you simply weren't ready yet. She wants more, but she didn't seem angry or upset. We didn't talk much about it -- I really try to steer clear of talking about you at all.


At first I felt a little bit worse as it seemed my suspicions that maybe NM wasn't deliberately giving me the silent treatment and/or refusing to discuss my email re: her request to see ds. But then I decided it didn't matter if that was her original intent because she's still playing games regardless. Since we started emailing again, NM has either IM'ed me or emailed me every few days. I don't think more than 4 days has passed without hearing something from her, even if it was just a short note. She emailed me the request to see ds on the 5th and it's now the 14th. Nearly 10 days has passed without a word from her beyond two stupid email forwards. So I don't care what NM says to aunt N or anyone else, as far as I'm concerned, she's playing games and I want no part of it.

Am feeling unsure at this point exactly how I'll proceed. I know that I have zero plans to contact NM but I may respond one final time if she ever decides to email me more than an email forward. Then again, I may just block her on email and be done with it. I just don't know for sure. Right now, I'm just trying to take some time and try to relax and enjoy spending time with my dh and ds. We had a lovely afternoon Friday. Dh, ds and I - and MIL, BIL, SIL and the new baby, "B" - all went bowling at the local bowling alley. We had a blast. I was feeling really anxious and was very tempted to succumb to my PTSD symptoms and stay home yet again but I pushed myself and was proud of myself for going. Besides, it would have sucked to miss seeing ds bowl. He was so cute!

Thank you all so much for your loving words and support during this whole thing. It meant a lot to hear how you all valued what I do here and how it's helped some of you. It's good to know at least some positive comes from what I go through.

Hugs,

DA

HUGE lightbulb moment...

Was in the tub soaking a little while ago and dh came in and we were talking. I was telling him about my memories that had surfaced and said that I wanted validation. Afterward, dh said firmly that NM's reactions were/are SERIOUSLY fucked up and that he doesn't think she's capable of behaving the way a normal mother would. I started to cry a little at that point as I asked him, "But it's not me?" and dh, bless his heart, said even more firmly, "NO. It is NOT you." and went on to say how perfect and amazing I am and how much of an impact - a positive impact - I've had on his and ds' lives, etc.


I started to cry even harder at that point and dh asked what was wrong. I said to him, "I just feel like a stupid, small burden." Dh asked, "For what?" and I was shocked to hear myself blurt out, albeit in that tiny voice, "For being."


My heart is literally weeping right now for little DA as well as for the adult DA who thinks that she somehow needs to apologize simply for being. Then again, I don't know why it's such a revelation. I've felt like an unwanted inconvenience for as long as I can remember. Even as a very young child, it was clear that I wasn't really wanted, that I was just this inconvenience that my parents - all four of them - had to put up with and it remains that way to this day. I think that if all of them could have erased me and forgotten all about me as they tried to do with each other after the divorce, they would have (quite eagerly) done so.


Is it any wonder that I am a "disturbed angel"? What child/person wouldn't be after going through all that I've been forced to go through and suffer? The greater wonder is that I'm not far more "disturbed" beyond the anxiety, depression and PTSD. I suppose that in itself is a testament to the little warrior within me, that she could survive being made to feel so unwanted, so worthless and yet still refuse to give up.

Had a memory earlier today...

(**NOTE** Several parts of this may be triggering for some people so please proceed with caution.)


Forgot to share this earlier what with all the other emotional upheaval going on currently. Back when I was about 16 and a junior in high school, I had made a plan to run away. The abuse at home was reaching it's peak, I was majorly depressed to the point of being almost suicidal and I just wanted to get out of that hell hole and away from all of them. So, a friend of mine and our boyfriends made a plan to run away. We were going to live together to help support one another until we could get on our feet. As part of the plan, I had decided I would "steal" the engagement ring my dad had given to my NM back when they were together. It was a one carat diamond and was flawless, or so I'm told. I figured that, combined with the gold band it was in, it would fetch me enough money to carry me for a couple weeks. (I know. I was naive but it was something I guess.)

At any rate, one day - whilst going through my things under the guise of "cleaning my room", which she often did - NM happened upon a letter I'd written to my friend in which we discussed certain details of our plan. The fact that I planned to take the ring was in there as well. NM, of course, was FURIOUS with me and immediately set in to screaming at me. How DARE I plan to steal HER ring?!!! That was HERS, NOT mine....blah dee freaking blah.

Looking back today, it hits me just how fucked up her reaction was. I mean, really...if I happened upon a letter my ds had written in which we expressed his depression and plan to run away from home, my first thought would be to gently confront him and ask what I'd done to make him want to be away from me, to think his only option was to leave. The LAST thing I'd be thinking about is how dare he steal MY precious things! But, then, I'm not a self-centered, narcissistic bitch who doesn't give a shit about her own child.

There was another time, in my senior year, when things had gone from bad to worse and I'd begun cutting myself on my arms. When my NM finally discovered what I'd been doing - and it was clear she didn't give a damn even before she officially "found out" because I often wore short sleeved shirts and didn't generally cover the scars up so they were fairly easy to see, even from a distance - her only thought was to berate me for how I'd supposedly hurt and embarrassed her with my "behavior". There was ZERO concern for the fact that I, her daughter, was in so much pain that I was CUTTING myself, oh no! The only thing she could think was how this latest bout of "silly" behavior would make HER look in the eyes of others. 

Again, I sit here and think of how I'd react if I found out my sweet baby boy was in so much pain that he was cutting into his own flesh and the absolute LAST thing that would come to mind - IF it even came to my mind AT ALL - is how it would affect ME. My ONLY concern would be for my son and how I could help him stop hurting. But my NM - or rather, that selfish bitch who calls herself my "mother" - could think only of HERSELF. ALWAYS, it is about HER - HER wants, HER needs, HER desires, HER pain, HER stress, HER feelings....HER, HER, HER. Bitch. I hope she rots.

SERIOUSLY??!!

ANOTHER fucking stupid email forward?! Really?? Really??!! 

Yep. Just got another stupid email forward from NM, this one titled "Really COOL Pictures!". Admittedly, the pics were really neat but that's obviously not the point. I am so freaking DONE. She wants to play her stupid mind games and act like a bitch, so be it. Let her find someone else to play with.

Looks like it's back to NC for me. (Yay!)