List of Grievances - Part 4

• If I’ve ever dared to even HINT that dh and I are short on money – mind you, I’ve never asked her for a DIME – she’s super quick to say “Well don’t ask me cause I don’t have a CENT!” This is sometimes followed by a speech on how she’s done her job of raising NHS and I and how, especially after all the problems I gave her, it’s HER time now. What-ever lady!

• For my birthday this year (back in 2009), she bought me three things: a rooter (to root plants in), an anklet and a small bag of sea glass. The sea glass was the only thing she bought for ME. The other two things she spent time talking about how much SHE loved them and how lovely they’d look in HER home which is why she thought they’d make the perfect present for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the items, they were pretty, but the fact that she went on and on about how much SHE just LOVED them kind of ruined it for me. I wound up donating the items to charity.

• She is always complaining about money and lamenting about poor NHS and NBIL who can barely make ends meet. Then she’ll add about how it’s supposedly “easy for you and dh because you have your FIL who’s always giving you guys money”. Umm…NO. Dh and I have money because we’re responsible with what we get and pay off our bills first and then, if we have some left over, we’ll get ourselves each something small that we want. Unlike NM, NHS and NBIL who are all extremely impulsive buyers and spend money like it’s no object.

• She’s infantile and petty. Once, when I refused to buy a box of teabags for her to use at my house – dh's company had just cut insurance coverage for ds and I and money was VERY tight so I literally didn't have the extra money - she grew very angry and said, in a very p/a way, “Sheesh! You can’t even buy your poor mother a stinking box of teabags! Thanks a lot!” She proceeded to complain about it for hours afterward and actually brought it up in therapy OVER A YEAR LATER as “evidence” of my being a bad daughter and disrespecting her/not caring about her.

• She doesn’t ask, she TELLS me what she expects me to do. Like when they were getting ready to leave on vacation one time, she called and told me “You’ll need to come out here at least every other day to make sure the bird has plenty of food and water.” When I told her I couldn’t do it and could MAYBE come out there only one day that week, NM grew angry and said “Thanks a lot! Now what am I supposed to do? I hope I don’t come home to find the poor bird DEAD because you couldn’t bother yourself to come and take care of him!”. Clearly, how DARE I presume to have my own life and not jump when she yells!

• She is NEVER wrong about ANYTHING! Usually I get told that I’M the one causing her to act badly toward me, because I’m so dramatic or because I’m such a problem or too sensitive. The few times she has apologized were always non-apologies – “Well, I’m sorry if I did that but I have no recollection of anything like that.” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke. You’re over-reacting and being too sensitive.”

• Plays my NHS and I off of each other. She’ll gossip viciously to my NHS about me and then, when NHS cuts me off, NM will whine to me about how it’s so hard that the family can’t even be together because of all this “silliness” between my NHS and me and why can’t I just try talking to her and work something out?

• Will tell me she needs me to go with her to XY event or that she needs help with XYZ and I generally will help her out because I'm a good person and enjoy helping people. However, the favor is RARELY returned. When she DOES offer to return the favor, it's never really help. NM's idea of "help" involves her coming over here and parking her butt on my couch all day. I guess her mere presence in my home is supposed to make me feel better so that I can do it all myself?

• (March2009) Came into my home and told me some very disturbing things about my step-nephew. Apparently the child (who was 14 at the time) had been exhibiting some disturbing sexual behaviors such as masturbating in front of others and supposedly was trying to teach my niece and nephew how to do it as well. When I reacted normally and became concerned, NM called and left very nasty phone messages on my voice mail instructing me to back off and “leave it alone”, claiming it was “being handled” and wasn’t any of my business. She even went so far as to threaten me by telling me that BIL’s ex’s family “didn’t take kindly” to people talking badly about their family!

• When her threats didn’t work, NM took to calling up my aunt and grandmother and began a smear campaign to turn them against me and make ME out to be the bad guy. She continues to make herself out to be the martyr and victim in everything and is no longer speaking to me (despite the fact that I’M the one who cut HER off) because “she doesn’t know what to say that won’t make it worse”. (This was first period of NC that lasted 10 weeks.) This has resulted in a few family members contacting me and telling me about how I need to stop “hurting my mother” because it’s “not fair” to her. *cue eyeroll*

• (Thanksgiving 2009) NM had been pestering me for almost two weeks, whining about how she would be “all alone” over the holidays. Ever the good little doormat then, I assured her numerous times that we – dh, ds and I – would be there for both Thanksgiving and Xmas. NHS and I were no longer speaking (Thank GOD!) at that time and, in an effort to exclude me, she and NBIL had invited NM and NSJ to THEIR house for Thanksgiving saying that they planned to host that year. The understanding was that I, of course, was NOT welcome in their home. Imagine my surprise to hear NM say that she had accepted their offer!

• Later, when the Thanksgiving festivities were moved to NM's house (due to her having more room), I was stunned to hear from NM's own mouth that I was STILL not invited because NHS and NBIL would refuse to come and then how would it look for poor NM?! But never fear! NM told me I could still come by and “surprise” everyone and that, if I chose to do so, she wouldn't stop me or say anything. Of course, the unspoken part was that she would play dumb and claim she hadn't had any idea I'd be there so that I would be the bad guy yet again.

• When I was understandably upset re: Thanksgiving – though NM claimed to have NO idea WHY, since SHE hadn't done anything wrong! - NM offered me the “consolation prize” of getting first pick of which day I wanted to visit her over Xmas, Xmas Eve or Xmas Day. Lucky me! NOT.

• Despite being coldly excluded from Thanksgiving, I decided to be the bigger person and invited NM and NSJ into my home for Xmas Eve. My only request was that NSJ NOT be drunk upon arriving and that they both NOT bring alcohol over as no one else that would be here drank and I didn't want NSJ to once again ruin yet another family holiday with his alcoholism. Well, of course, NM and NSJ show up with an entire case of beer in tow. Their excuse, that they thought someone else might want one. (They KNEW damn well no one else that was going to be here drinks, especially beer.) Previous to the night, NM had asked if she could bring anything. I said a veggie dip would be great and I'd cut up a bunch of veggies to go with it. NM showed up with a shrimp and onion CHEESE BALL (Did I mention I'm lactose intolerant and can't eat dairy and that I hate shrimp? Oh and dh hates onions.) and a gazillion bread sticks. So I had an entire thing of veggies that went uneaten thanks go NM's “generosity”.

• NSJ kept pestering everyone to have a beer, including me who he knows very well doesn't drink. When I said, “No thank you. I don't drink.” his response was, “Why not? You know, maybe that's your problem.” !!! NM spent the majority of the night telling over and over her trials and tribulations of being married to my evil father, how he “beat” her and cheated on her, etc. People kept walking away only to find themselves being followed around the house by NM as she continued her tales of woe. When dh turned on the tv show “Cheaters” to try and drone NM out, it only served to spur her on and she began furiously venting about how my dad had cheated on her and how “devastated” she'd been, etc. a) I had asker her NUMEROUS times NOT to talk about my dad around me, b) I had asked her not to badmouth my dad in front of ds especially (ds was in the next room and could likely hear all that was said had he been listening) and c) an Xmas party is NOT the time to talk about such things! When I politely asked her to SHUT UP, she was all “Oh who cares? I'm just talking about it!”. Did nothing to stop her.

• For Xmas that year, dh and I had gotten everyone a charity donation in their name as Xmas gifts, with the sole exception of my IL's whom had requested a Snuggie each. A couple days after the party on Xmas Eve, NM sent me a very cold, nasty email saying how DARE I deliberately try and disrespect and EMBARRASS her with my gift of a charity donation in her name and how she would NEVER not buy HER mother at least a small gift! She went on to claim that I hadn't gotten her a Mother's Day or Xmas gift in YEARS. NOT true, of course. Yes, there had been times when a gift just wasn't possible due to financial reasons but I at least got her a card and I ALWAYS remembered to call her and/or go visit. The straw that broke the camel's back for me though was when she dared to tell me that, from there on out, I WOULD honor my abusive step-pig (the man who TERRORIZED and ABUSED me for nearly 33 years of my life at that point) with a gift on ALL gift-giving occasions! As if! Can you imagine the gall?!!!!

• For YEARS, I have bent over backward to try and find just the right gift for NM on gift-giving holidays only to have her show little to no enthusiasm each time. Worse, when NM would hear about money we'd gotten, such as settlement monies for an accident we were in, she'd make a comment that, “OH, good! NOW you can get me a GOOD gift!” Yet I'm supposed to go out of my way to buy gifts for the ungrateful bitch??

• Just before going NC, NM sat in my living room on January 8^th of 2010. This was a “her one last chance” sort of thing. I had already pretty much decided to go NC but dh had talked me into giving it one more chance and trying to talk it out with him as mediator. NM spent the entire time asking “But WHY can't I take ds out by myself or to my house for a few hours?” despite us having told her time and time again that we didn't want ds around NSJ and that it was her own fault for having abused the privilege by repeatedly disregarding our wishes on how we chose to raise OUR son. NM also sat there and blame ME and my father for all my problems, saying that she had NEVER done ANYTHING remotely wrong as a mother aside from allowing ME to abuse and disrespect HER. It wasn't until she dared have the gall to say that NSJ would NEVER hurt a child however that I had had enough and told her I was done and it was time for her go.

• During period of no contact, NM – along with NHS and NSJ – embarked on a massive smear campaign and attempted to turn my friends and extended family against me. She tried to interfere by appealing to my IL's – as if they were going to side with her over me. When that backfired on her, she took to smearing them as well. She talked trash about me to anyone who would listen – old friends she'd run into, old acquaintances, my chiropractor, my hairdresser (who works with her hairdresser), etc. She actually succeeded in turning most of my extended FOO against me, save for my aunt N who continues to be objective and sees through my NM's bullshit.

• During NC, NM completely ignored that I existed anymore with the exception of her vicious smear campaign. There were no letters, emails, birthday cards, etc. Instead, she focused her attentions on my ds, sending him gifts and cards, etc. a few times a year, as if that was going to make her GM of the year in his eyes.

• During period of NC, NM happened to run into my MIL and SIL at the local grocery store. DS happened to be visiting MIL that day and so was with them. NM made a HUGE scene, according to MIL and SIL, by running up to ds and throwing her arms around him and crying while saying stuff like, “Oh my gosh! Hi big boy! I've missed you SO MUCH!!!” According to NM – as was heard back through the grapevine and reported back to me via extended FOO – ds threw his arms around her and practically cried himself he was so happy to see her. NM made out like it was something out of a Lifetime movie special. Turns out, NM was the only one elated to see anyone, ds couldn't have cared less and actually moved AWAY from NM apparently. Then, when they were all back in the car, MIL asked ds if he knew who that lady was and ds said NO!

• After going NC, NM had contacted dh to ask for some things back I had of hers. Dh set up a time to drop the stuff off and, while there, asked for a bunch of my stuff back that NM had borrowed. NM said dh would have to come back and called at a later date to tell him when to come. Dh showed up to find no one home and a box with my stuff on the front porch. Several of the items were expensive stuff, such as copper cookware, that could have been ruined/stolen. Clearly, NM didn't care. Upon getting home and looking through my stuff, I noticed several things had not been returned, like a set of copper frying pans and my belly dance hip scarf that NM had been coveting since I bought it. (She claimed I'd “stolen” it out from under her as I had bought the one SHE liked.)

• Sometime around the end of July/early August 2011, I was online when an IM from NM popped up saying hi. Against my better judgment, I responded and have regretted it ever since. I have done all I can to try and discuss things with NM, important things that need to be discussed if we were to try and work on our relationship only to have her blow me off, make excuses and refuse to accept ANY responsibility whatsoever. She kept saying things like, “Well you can't expect me to be perfect, you know.” and “You know, you're not 100% blameless either.” When I saw her running away with the whole conversation, I made sure to make it clear that I was NOT ready to see her in person yet or even talk with her on the phone. Her response? That SHE wasn't ready to see ME either as she'd been “deeply hurt” by the whole “incident”. (cue eye roll)

• After only speaking maybe 5 times via IM and email, NM actually sent me an email requesting to see ds. Of course, she worded it as saying how she wanted ds to know and love her and wanted a relationship with him and what could WE do to rectify the situation, as if we have EVER worked together on anything previous. Forget the fact that ds is now 5 years of age and currently has little idea who NM is or that NM was willing to walk out of ds' life for nearly 2 years simply because she couldn't have everything the way SHE wanted it. NM and I hadn't spoken for nearly 2 YEARS and had only had maybe FIVE IM/email convos at that point and yet she thought it appropriate to ask to visit with my SON??! When I told her it wasn't going to happen, NM proceeded to give me the silent treatment for two weeks as “punishment” because she didn't like my answer.

List of Grievances - Part 3

• When I revealed recently that dh and I would like to have another baby eventually, NM said, “Oh no. You guys definitely don’t need another baby. You have some serious shit to get together first.” WTFH????!!

• After practically begging dh and I to stay with her and NSJ for a couple weeks while we were waiting for our closing date on our new house, I came home from work one day (about 5 days into our stay there) to find all our stuff in trash bags in NM’s foyer. When I asked what was up, NM said we had to go because she couldn’t stand our mess anymore. Mind you dh and I were extremely clean while living there, even more so than normal because I know what a clean freak my NM is. Dh and I wound up having to make arrangements to stay at his P’s at the last minute because we had nowhere else to go.

• Is constantly telling me what I “ought to” do, what I “should do” or what I “need to” do, which, coincidentally, is what SHE thinks I ought, should or need to do.

• Will often stop talking to me and give me the ‘silent treatment’ as a form of punishment when I go against her.

• Has asked for money on a couple of occasions and then berated me and attempted to make me feel guilty when I said no way.

• When I was still living at home, as soon as I got a job, suddenly I was expected to pay NM and NSJ “rent” in addition to chipping in for other bills as well as food and other necessities. All the while, NM was spending money on this, that and the next thing, none of which she needed and then asking me for more and more “rent” monies to cover her spending.

• While still living at home and while I was between jobs, NSJ would use his time alone with me to verbally abuse me beyond belief. He’d often even follow me outside and scream at me in front of the neighbors. Often, when I’d had enough, I would leave and go to my NM’s place of business (her boss was really laid back and didn’t mind me hanging around) hoping for a little comfort or for her to call NSJ up and tell him to lay off. NM always insulted me for not being able to handle it and would say “What do you expect me to do about it?”

• Whenever I wanted anything, be it an “in” article of clothing, a yearbook or whatever, I was told we “didn’t have the money”. However, whenever NHS wanted something, NM would run right out and buy it because “NHS was shy and didn’t make friends easily”. I was often also given the previous excuse of it not being fair since I got stuff from TWO families since my parents were divorced.

• NM was always (and still does to an extent) comparing me to NHS – Why couldn’t I be more like her? Why couldn’t I dress more like her? Why couldn’t I be better in school more like her? Why couldn’t I have “nice” friends like her? Either that or it was, “NHS has never given me these kinds of problems.”, etc.

• NM will often try to guilt me into doing things for her, such as agreeing to watch her bird or her dog for her while she’s away on vacation so that she doesn’t have to pay a big bill to board them. If I dare to tell her no, that I have other plans or that I just can’t for whatever reason, then I’m horrible and ungrateful and clearly don’t care about the poor animal’s welfare. She’s due to leave for vacation again soon and has been whining that she’s all concerned about her dog dying of separation while she’s gone. When I didn’t take her cue and offer to take the dog while she was gone, she grew pizzed and said I could at LEAST pick the dog up a day early so that she didn’t have to pay for the extra day.

• When I first resumed contact with my father, I had a lot of unresolved anger towards him. To try and tell him how I felt, and since I didn’t feel able to do so over the phone or in person, I typed him a letter. When I went to print it, I discovered my printer was out of ink and so I took a disc over to my NM’s house to print it on her printer. I accidentally left the disc behind and was extremely upset to discover the my NM had not only let NSJ read it but had gone along with him in emailing the letter out to all my extended family members for them to read!!! NM was THRILLED that I was angry with my dad at the time and I presume she wanted to share her joy with the rest of the family.

• NM will often ask me if dh or some other family member on dh’s side or my dad’s side has been talking badly about her behind her back. I used to tell her that they weren’t and could care less, now I don’t even bother to respond as I now know it’s just at attempt to get attention (i.e. “Poor me! Everyone’s talking about me behind my back and I didn’t even do anything to them! Boo hoo hoo!”) She’s also always paranoid that my N dad and NSM are in town and will drive by her house. As if they care.

• Has told me on many occasions that I am not to say anything bad about NSJ in therapy. After all, we can’t have anyone finding out the truth now, can we?

• Will talk to others – generally, anyone who will listen – about my private, personal business. For example, she once came to me and was riding me about my supposedly being “really depressed”. Then, when I denied it (because it wasn’t true), she told me that she’d talked with my chiropractor (who is also her chiro) and supposedly HE’D even agreed with her that I was, indeed, depressed which was, of course, a lie.

• Has gone through my things (back when I still lived at home), including my diary, and then used what she found against me and/or criticized/teased me with the information.

• NM insisted on hosting a party to celebrate ds’ baptism. She made out the invitations and sent them out to everyone, including my dad and SM and dh’s family only she forgot to include any information about the actual baptism. When I mentioned it to her, she said snottily, “YOU can handle that part. I’M only concerned with the party part of it.” Afterward, she kept asking for weeks if anyone had said anything about her or her house. She was actually disappointed when, time and again, I told her no one said a thing.

• Is always telling me stuff like “You were always so difficult”, “You can be very difficult to love”, “You were very hard to live with” or “You were always causing trouble”. This is especially true of the times I complained about the abusive treatment from NSJ. First she’s say something like “Well, you know how he is. Just ignore it.” And then she’ll follow that up with “You know, you need to understand that you were very hard to live with. You were always causing trouble. It wasn’t easy for NSJ to come in and go from not having a family to suddenly having a wife and child. And then your father was always causing us problems…” Ro imply that I DESERVED the abuse in any way is nothing short of sick! As if ANY of that was my fault or responsibility! I was a CHILD for crying out loud!!

• She’ll go on and on about her and NHS doing this or what she did with NHS’ kids and then say “I wish I could do xyz with my OTHER daughter too (meaning me) but she never wants to do anything with me anymore!”

• She made up four different excuses as to why she couldn’t attend ds’ first birthday, including saying that she and NSJ had had plans for weeks to sand and refinish their deck that weekend and THAT was why she couldn’t be there. The truth was that, since I was cutoff from NSJ at that time, he wasn’t invited and so she chose to prove a point instead of attending her gs’ first birthday. (Updated to add – NM didn't attend ds' second birthday either, was there for his 3^rd bday and then we were NC for ds' 4^th and 5^th bdays.)

• No matter what it is, NM has to “out-do” me in some way. If I say I have a headache, she says “Oh, don’t talk about headaches! I’ve had this horrible migraine for DAYS now!” If I say I have a backache, she’ll have a worse one. (BTW, did I mention I’ve had two back surgeries?) Likewise, if I do something to my house, she has to do something to hers only BETTER. When we replaced the flooring in our kitchen with this really nice vinyl tile that looks like real stone, she went out and got stone tiles put in her kitchen, along with new countertops, a tile backsplash and fresh paint. At present time, it is absolutely KILLING her that I was able to add a beautiful sunroom on my house because she can’t afford to do the same. Of course that hasn’t stopped her from talking about how she’d do hers better than mine if someone would just give HER some money.

• She lies about anything, especially stupid stuff. She once told me that I had an allergy to sulfa drugs and that they gave me a rash if I took them. When I mentioned it recently, NM denied ever saying any such thing and claims that it gave me a headache but I didn’t have an allergy to it. Or she’ll always tell me what a good baby I was only to turn around and tell me what a “problematic” child I was, even as a baby. She also lies about bigger stuff. Like, once, I asked her whether or not she’d rejected my dad’s attempt at marital counseling before considering divorce. NM flat out denied that it had ever happened. Problem is, I had her old calendars in which she used to keep a sort of diary. Right there in her own handwriting she’d written that my dad had asked her to go to counseling with him and she’d said no way.

• Whenever she decides to make time in her busy schedule of shopping, nail and hair appointments to grace ds and I with her presence, we (especially me) are expected to give her our full attention for the entire duration of her visit. If I dare to check my email while she’s here or watch something on tv, I’ll hear for weeks about how I was so “rude”. Then she’ll launch into a tirade about “THAT is why I never come visit you! Because you’re rude and you make me uncomfortable whenever I’m in your house!” Of course, it’s plenty okay for HER to read a book or whatever when she’s here. THAT is okay.

• Despite the fact that I and her doctors have warned her that she drinks WAY too much tea and that it contributes to her repeatedly getting kidney stones, she refuses to give up her tea. My guess is that she loves the attention she gets from the kidney stones, especially when it results in her having to have surgery to get rid of them. “Poor me. I’m in so much pain and now I have to have surgery AGAIN to get rid of these stupid kidney stones! Oh woe is me! WHY does this keep happening to me???”

List of Grievances - Part 2

• When I had ds, I had to have an emergency c-section. NM made the comment that I should be thankful I didn’t have to have an episiotomy because THAT was more painful! Yeah NM, as if having that little piece of tissue cut down there is comparable to having my entire abdomen and uterus cut into! Then, when dh asked her to stay with me to help me out while I recuperated (once it came time for dh to go back to work), NM did NOTHING the entire time she was here. I’d ask her to mix up a bottle for ds and her comment was always “You’re going to have to learn to do it for yourself sometime. Might as well be now.” I wound up sending her away early the second day and telling her not to bother coming back. She quite happily obliged.

• NM continued to insist that some yogurt or cheese wouldn’t hurt ds despite the fact that I’d told her numerous times that ds was LACTOSE INTOLERANT as an infant/toddler. Of course, this applies to many different things. She ALWAYS knows better than I since SHE has already raised two children and done such a FINE job of it so, naturally, I should defer to her wisdom. SOOOOOO NOT happening! LOL

• Anytime I’ve ever insisted on something regarding ds, like the fact that they now suggest waiting until age 3 before giving any peanut butter, NM will insist that SHE gave us xyz or did xyz and NHS and I turned out just fine. She’ll often then go on to ridicule “all these new restrictions” that the doctors give us for ourselves and our children, again citing how SHE never had all those restrictions and did just fine. I always love to point out to her at these moments how as little as a hundred years or so ago, they also thought the cure for a common headache was to drill a hole in a person’s skull to let some blood out. Then I ask her if she’d prefer that treatment the next time she’s suffering from a headache or would she like to try the NEW treatment that involved taking an aspirin? Usually gets me HUGE CBF’s! LOL

• NM continues to assert that ds “hardly knows her” and that she “never gets to see him” despite the fact that I’ve told her numerous times that she can see him whenever she wants provided she calls first. But that isn’t good enough for NM. She wants to be able to take him out by herself which I’ve told her won’t happen unless and until she can prove that she’s willing to abide by the guidelines that dh and I have chosen for OUR son. I refuse to accept the blame for NM not knowing her gs because she’d rather have things HER way and/or because her various hair/nail appointments and shopping excursions take precedence over visitation with her gs. Yet I’m labeled “unfair” because I “won’t let her” take her gs out by herself without me there.

• Once when NSJ called here and upset me with another one of his “jokes” (you know, the kind that are at your expense and are a form of abuse yet, when confronted with it, he plays them off as if he was “just kidding” and I’m being overly sensitive, etc.?) and I had the gall to be upset by what he’d said, all NM could think to say was that I was “being stupid” since NSJ was clearly “just joking around”. After I no longer wanted to speak to her, she had the gall to ask dh “Why is DA being this way?” and “Why is she doing this to me?” Thankfully dh told her off and hung up on her sorry ass. (She still will bring this up about how dh was so “disrespectful” to her!)

• After I finally gathered up enough courage to cut NSJ out of my life, NM took it upon herself to fix things. She was constantly on my back to make nice and go over to her house. Then, one day, she actually called me up and announced that she and NHS had “made it their mission to get the faaaaamily back together for Xmas” that year. I flat out told them both to butt out and stop it and that I wasn’t interested. Guess I was firm enough or whatever because NM actually said she was wrong for that one and backed off.

• After one temporary cutoff when I had begun to resume contact with NM, she had the gall to say to me, “I’m so glad you decided act nice again and stopped going on about all that stupid shit”. It seriously took all the willpower I had not to tell her off and cut her off permanently.

• When I wanted my driver’s license, I was told we “didn’t have the money” and that I had to wait. But when my NHS turned 16, NM took both of us out so that NHS could get her license right away. Likewise, when I wanted a car, I was told that I had to get a job and save up the money. Okay. I could respect that…………had NM not gone out of her way to help NHS get a car right after she got NHS her license.

• Every time I was given a gift by my dad’s side of the family, NM had to run out and buy NHS one just like it because “it wasn’t fair that I got TWICE as many gifts since I had TWO families”. Yeah NM. I was so “lucky” that my parents were divorced and my family was fractured.

• When she found out that I was once again in therapy, NM criticized me and said “What’re you going to be in therapy until you’re 60 years old?” When I said, “Yes. If that’s what it takes to finally resolve my issues and live a happy, content life”, NM told me I was being “ridiculous” and just needed to “get over it” already.

• A few times when I’ve brought up that I had some unresolved stuff regarding the abuse, NM said “Now wait just a minute. NSJ did NOT abuse you. I wish you’d stop saying that.” Then she added that I just “need to let the past go already and move on”.

• I would often come home from school to find that NM had cleaned my room. This always involved coming home to find that NM had bagged up several trash bags of stuff as garbage which meant stuff that she didn’t think we needed. A few times I was lucky enough to have time to go through the bags and get all my stuff out. The woman actually threw out a pair of very expensive Birkenstocks that I’d traded for simply because she thought they were “ugly” and I “didn’t need them anyhow”.

• When I was still at home, I bought a pet rabbit. When I moved out a couple years later, I wasn’t able to take the rabbit with me and offered to either pay to have him put to sleep OR to locate an animal shelter that would take him and re-home him. NM and NSJ refused, saying THEY would keep him and he would now be their pet. I told them that was fine by me. Several years went by. One day, I get a call from NM. She was at work and said she’d noticed that the rabbit “sounded funny” as she was leaving. She said she thought he was sick and asked if I could go over there and take him to the vet to be put to sleep and the vet could call her and she’d pay over the phone. I said fine. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I got there. This poor animal was literally skin and bones. His toenails were horribly overgrown. But the worst part was the sound this poor thing made when it breathed. It clearly had a bad respiratory infection and made this horrible gurgling sound whenever he breathed. My once beautiful, sweet baby bunny was so weak he couldn’t even stand and was barely alive. I immediately burst into tears and cried the entire way to the vet’s office, while I was there and the entire way home. When I spoke to my NM later that day, I told her that I didn’t want to talk to her for awhile. When she asked why, I told her what I’d seen and that there was NO WAY IN H@LL that this had happened “all of a sudden”. Clearly they hadn’t taken care of that poor animal in a long time. NM became extremely angry and told me “Listen here, little girl. YOU were the one who left him with us because YOU didn’t want to take care of him anymore!” I told her that was a lie and hung up. Later that day, I had a message on my answering machine. It was a long, nasty message from NM saying that she’d called the vet and they’d supposedly told her that these kinds of infections can show up that way overnight. Then she went on to say that I’d better not ever say that they were anything less than kind and caring to that animal, yadda yadda. Talk about denial.

• When I was in high school, our English teacher made us keep a daily journal that year. One day, we were asked who we would be if we could be anyone, dead or alive. I wrote that I’d be my grandfather because he was dead and didn’t have to suffer anymore. It was around that time that I’d also begun cutting myself. My teacher had apparently noticed the cutting and when she read that journal entry, she thought it time to call up my parents. My NM went in for a conference and, much like she did with my therapist years later, spent the entire meeting badmouthing me, saying I’ve always been a liar and exaggerated things for attention, etc. The whole way home and for hours after we got home, all NM kept saying was “Do you have any idea how EMBARRASSING that was for me???!!”

• Throughout my teenage years, I was extremely depressed. NM’s advice was always to tell me to just “be happy”, start dressing in more colors instead of blacks and grays all the time and listen to happier music and I’d be just fine. Even when she found out I was cutting myself, she wasn’t convinced I needed help. It wasn’t until years later that she FINALLY got me into some therapy.

• At one point during my worst depression, I began hearing things. Not voices really, just these sort of sounds, as if someone had left the phone off the receiver and you could hear people talking but not make out anything being said. It was extremely hard for me to tell her about it and I made her swear she wouldn’t tell NSJ in particular. By the next day, NSJ was teasing me about “hearing stuff” and saying I was crazy – obviously NM had told him everything.

• After NSJ beat me one morning, I came home later that day and told NM what had happened and showed her the bruises. She looked me dead in the eye and as calm as could be told me “I don’t know where you got those bruises but I know NSJ did NOT give them to you.” She and NHS denied it so strongly that I began to think I HAD imagined it all. It wasn't until years later when I reconnected with an old high school friend who eventually mentioned the bruises that I realized I WASN'T crazy and HADN'T imagined the whole thing! I cried upon my friend saying that it had really happened.

• Denies that NHS and I were raised in a home where bad language was spoken despite the fact that it was a daily occurrence and that my friends (including my dh) remember hearing it all the time.

• When I first told her that dh and I wanted to try to have a baby, she told me that she didn’t care if we ever had kids because SHE “wasn't ready to be a grandma again yet”.

My List of Grievances for my NM...

A few years ago, I decided to sit down and compile a list of all the bad memories that came to mind involving NM. When I started my list, I expected to wind up with maybe two or three pages, if that. I certainly never expected the page count to get up to ten, especially considering that I'd typed it up in a small font! The page count has since gotten up to fourteen pages and continues to grow as new stuff comes up over the years and/or new bad memories are created.

The list is long so it will take several posts to get it all down here but I wanted to share and get it all out there. And so, without further ado, my List of Grievances:

• When I took fertility meds, back when we first started trying to conceive, I wound up having a bad emotional/psychological reaction to them. It felt like I wasn't in control of my own body/emotions and I was very frightened. NM told me I had “no right” to be upset because I’d CHOSEN to take the meds, unlike her who didn’t ASK to have cancer. What that had to do with anything, I have NO idea. Besides, NM was cancer-free by then. Even still, they caught her breast cancer extremely early and she was only given radiation treatments more as a precaution than because it was truly necessary.)

• When I called NM up after a month cutoff – my then T's suggestion of which NM was warned before it happened - she told me that she didn’t care if she ever spoke to me again and that, if I hadn’t called her, she likely wouldn’t have ever called me back she was so angry. (If only I hadn't called her back! LOL) She also said that having me in her life was a huge “burden” and that even NHS agreed with her that having a relationship with me was more trouble than it was worth.

• One time when I was very young – like maybe 6 or 7 years old? - unbeknownst to me, NM had lied to my dad about me being sick so that I could stay home that weekend. When my dad called me, I decided I missed him and wanted to see him and told him I wasn’t sick. He said he’d come get me. While we were waiting, my NM got super upset that I had “betrayed her” and handed me a steak knife and told me to stab her. Can’t remember the rest but I seem to remember it had to do with stabbing her being equal to what I’d done to her or something like that so I should just finish her off.

• When I expressed anxiety during my pregnancy – understandable since this was my first child – NM told anyone who would listen that I was “super depressed” and unnaturally “terrified” at the thought of having a baby. Of course it was completely UNTRUE but she had my doctors as well as extended FOO frantic and worried sick about me. During a doctor’s visit, she told my doctor the same and pushed the doctor to put me on antidepressants. Am SO glad I stood my ground and refused given that now all I see on tv are ads about birth defects from women who took those drugs during pregnancy!

• Has gone against my wishes multiple times regarding ds. Once she gave him a TicTac after I’d just finished telling her not to and another time she gave him rice. The rice incident was just after we’d begun solids and the only thing ds had had up to that point was baby cereal. It took my taking the rice away from her and putting it down the garbage disposal to get her to stop giving it to him. She’s also always expecting me to push ds’ nap later or even put it off entirely so that she can come see him or so that I won’t have it as an “excuse” not to do something/go somewhere with her.

• Once when I said I was getting my hair cut a certain way, NM said “Good!” On other occasions she’s told me point blank that she hates my hairstyle. I once had my hair cut in a pageboy sort of style. You know, shoulder length and thick, bluntly cut bangs across the front. I hated it but NM and NSJ supposedly loved it and are always telling me THAT is how I need to get my hair done again “because it was so CUTE that way!” Blech!

• Often tells me how she thinks I’d be “so much happier” if I “just lost even 20 pounds”. She’ll also criticize what I eat, how often I eat, etc. As if I’m not already painfully aware that I am overweight. (roll eyes) Wonder what she'd think now that I've lost nearly 60 pounds? LOL

• Is always telling me I’m “too sensitive”, that I “have too many rules” for everyone, that I’m constantly being “overly dramatic” or acting “silly” about stuff. No matter what the case, I am always wrong somehow, even if I had/have nothing to do with it.

• Her favorite thing to tell me is how much of a “problem” I was to raise and how she’s so glad I’m out on my own now and she doesn’t have to put up with me anymore.

• When we went over to tell her the good news about being pregnant, she said “I’m so happy!” This was quickly followed by, “Because now you’ll know the h@ll I went through each time I had to give you to your father for visitations!”

• When she found out my dh goes on a weekly guy’s night outing with his friend J, NM said to me “You know, he (dh) does that because he doesn’t want to be around you. He’s unhappy with you right now.”

• When she found out (accidentally) about certain intimacy problems between me and dh, she told me that I’d better start doing stuff anyways whether I wanted to or not otherwise I was going to lose dh and he’d cheat on me!

• Whenever confronted with my depression or anxiety disorders, she would tell me to “just not think about it”. I guess if I did that it would magically cease to be a problem?

• When confronted with any past abuse, she a) denies any abuse ever occurred and b) will refuse to even say the “a” word. Apparently I'm just a liar with severe mental problems.

• If I would bring up things NSJ had done – such as nasty comments, etc. – NM would tell me to “just ignore it” or, better still, to “give it right back to him”. Gee…why didn’t I think of that? (roll eyes)

• Once, when I took her to a therapy session, she spent the entire hour badmouthing me to the therapist and told her that “DA has always hated SJ for taking her father’s place in my life and has been known to lie in order to make him look bad.” She also stated that I had a tendency to greatly exaggerate things – like the “supposed abuse” - and make them out to be something they weren’t.

• Continually badmouths my father to me, despite my repeatedly asking her not to, all the while claiming to be “over him” and insisting that she “could care less” about him. And heaven help me if something comes on a talk show or tv that is remotely related to abuse or controlling spouses. NM never hesitates to tell me “Your father used to do that to me” and/or compares herself to the person going through the abuse. (I’ve spoken to various family members about this and while they all agree my dad wasn’t the best dh to my mom and would often play nasty “jokes” on her – like hiding her car keys when she had to leave for work, etc. – not one of them has ever so much as hinted to the fact that my dad ever hit my mother or beat her. Just the same, we can be watching a talk show about abused wives who were literally beaten to within inches of their lives and NM will compare herself to them as if what she endured was somehow just as bad.)

• NM is always complaining about my house and saying I don’t keep it clean enough, that she can’t stand the dog hair and wouldn’t be able to live with a dog like mine, that she can’t understand WHY we don’t just do our dishes as soon as we’re done using them, etc. In other words, she can’t understand why we don’t do things JUST LIKE HER. I’ve gotten to the point where I just say, “Listen. This is MY house. If you don’t like it, clean it. Otherwise, SHUT UP!”

• Will tell me that I should just tell ds “no” when it comes to certain things. Like our Xmas tree one year, we had it in a corner so that ds couldn’t reach it. NM asked why it was in the corner, saying that it looked “stupid” like that. When I told her it was to keep ds away from it, she told me to “just tell him no, not to touch.” I just laughed. FYI, ds wasn’t even two years old at the time.

• When dh and I got a decent settlement from an accident we’d been in, NM not only said I was “lucky” (because we got a settlement from the accident), she said I was “stupid” for putting the money into savings when I could have spent it redecorating my home. Yeah, like I wouldn’t rather NOT have the migraines and neck pain due to the whiplash, not to mention the back pain that is back after I’d FINALLY gotten to a point where I was almost pain free. Lucky me!

• When NM found out dh and I were going to take a birthing class, she said we were “stupid” for spending that much money and said SHE had never taken any birthing class so why the heck did WE need one? For that matter, she said women had been giving birth for hundreds of years without taking any “stupid birthing class” and THEY had done just fine. Then she added that if we had money to “piss away” that we should give it to her because SHE could use it and, I presume, would spend it more wisely?

• When NSJ’s mother passed away, NM was angry that they didn’t get more of an inheritance and complained that it was being “wasted” on NSJ’s sister (who was both handicapped physically as well as suffering from bipolar disorder, btw). When NSJ’s sister passed away having committed suicide, NM made the comment of “Thank God. Now maybe (NSJ’s sister and BIL's names) will send us some money now that (NSJ’s sister’s name) won’t be using it anymore.”!!!

• Basically, NM is always making comments about how people should send HER money or about how she wishes they would. When FIL gave dh and I the money to add on the sunroom to our house so that we could have more living space, NM’s comment was that she wished someone would give HER xx amount of dollars. When NM found out my GM had had her town home redecorated, NM said that if GM had money to “throw away on stupid shit”, that GM should send HER the money instead. Again, because SHE (NM) would spend it better and is apparently so much more deserving than everyone else.

Want your opinions on NC letter...

Okay so, I keep going back and forth but, overall, I know that it has to be NC for me because I clearly cannot handle LC in any form with NM. The only confusing thing for me is that while part of me would like to be able to contact her should I want to, truthfully, I want nothing to do with her really. It's like, I don't want to talk to her, I just want to hold on on that remaining string "just in case" or whatever. Confusing, right? Anyhow, despite that, I'm feeling that I will wind up going back NC only, this time, I'd like to send an official NC letter.

As much as I'd LOVE to really blast NM all to hell in the letter, as all my DoNM sisters (and my wonderful dh) so smartly pointed out, no good whatsoever would come of it. The only thing that would come of it would be for NM to gain ammo which she could then use to further her victim status and I refuse to help her in that regard so that will just have to remain an unfulfilled wish of mine I guess.

Dh suggested I keep my NC letter short, sweet and to the point. Be firm, but polite so as to give NM as little ammo to use against me as possible and so that, when she inevitably DOES pass it along to extended FOO as evidence of my "badness", they will likely see nothing negative about it. At least nothing that would prove me to be unnecessarily cruel or unkind to NM. After much editing and re-editing, here's what I've come up with:

I thought I could handle having a relationship with you again but I can't. It's not that I don't love you – because I do - and you haven't done anything since we started talking again, I just am not in a place where I can handle having a relationship with you right now. If and when the time comes that I am ready, I will let you know.

Until then,

DA

What do you all think? The part about NM supposedly not having done anything since we began speaking again irked me slightly but, as I have no concrete proof beyond my own gut instinct that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment when she didn't speak to me for those two weeks, bringing it up would be somewhat pointless and, again, only serve to give NM ammo against me. I feel I also achieved my goal of not making me look bad when NM forwards it to the entire extended FOO upon receiving it. I have to say though, it was TOUGH to be so nice about it. It feels like I'm admitting defeat and she's "winning" which just chaps my ass to no end. But, as dh also pointed out ala "Dr. Phil", do I want to be RIGHT or do I want to get past this, heal and move forward? The answer is, while I'd LOVE to be right for once, much more than that, I'd like to heal and move forward.

On a bit of a related side note, as I was typing this, I was trying to figure out what NM's response would be. Since we started chatting again, NM has been trying to negotiate a table from me that I currently have for sale in my shop. Basically, NM doesn't want to pay the $100 so has been trying to barter with me. I'm not opposed to a trade but, so far, all NM has offered me is crap. At any rate, I feel very certain that NM's only comment to me in response to this NC letter is to ask if she can still have the table before we go our separate ways. When I mentioned my thoughts to dh, he gave me a sad smile and said, "Sadly, I can totally see her responding with that." If NM doesn't mention getting the table first, I will be seriously shocked. That's how sure I am that that will be at least part of her response. (For the record, any response from her will be read by dh after which point she will be once again blocked from sending any future emails.)

Wish there was some other option to try but I've once again found myself with no where left to go but NC.

Feeling pissed off and down today...

This started last year actually. MIL had been pushing dh to take ds to the zoo. Every chance she got, she'd bring it up. Well, then SIL got some coupons that would give us a discount to the zoo and MIL really stepped up her pushing to the point that dh was ready to go. 


What's the problem, you ask? Well, for one, the zoo is located WAY out of my 'safe zone' with regards to my anxiety/PTSD. It's about an hour and 45 minute drive from where we live and anything outside of 20 minutes or so is hugely anxiety producing for me and I tend to avoid anything outside that circle. Then there's the fact that the zoo is HUGE and is basically an all day thing involving LOTS of walking, which I cannot do. I've had two back surgeries and have other issues that have stemmed from that. Basically, the longer/more I walk, the more painful my lower back and side gets and if I push it too far, then I'm in horrid pain. 


The zoo DOES offer buses/trams to get you from certain areas of the zoo to another area BUT, because of my anxiety, I don't ride passenger on anything. Day to day, if I can't drive, I don't go. Period. I CAN occasionally ride with dh as the driver but that's it. I don't ride with anyone else. And since I don't think the zoo is going to let me drive the bus/tram, that's out of the question. So basically, going to the zoo for me (at least at this time) is physically and emotionally out of the question.


When the issue come up last year and dh seemed to be intent on taking ds with MIL, I had a serious talk with dh and told him I was really upset at the thought of them going. I felt and feel that certain things - like ds' first trip to the zoo - is something that his parents, BOTH his parents, should do with him, that it should be him and I with MIL as the tag along and not dh and his mom (MIL) taking ds while I remain at home. After a long discussion and much back and forth, dh finally (albeit somewhat reluctantly) agreed to put the trip off until this year at which point we'd re-evaluate my health.


I've come a long way with my anxiety issues but I still can't ride passenger and I still have my issue of not being comfortable traveling outside a certain 'safe zone' area. Dh recently brought up the zoo issue again briefly but not much was said about it and I'd thought the issue was settled for now. Well, ds was over at my IL's for the weekend a week or so ago and SIL helps ds send an email to dh and I that reads, "Daddy can I go to the zoo?". I felt/feel MIL was likely the one to bring it up yet again and coaxed ds into sending it and so, I was PISSED. What IS it with these people - almost entirely MIL - pushing to take ds to the zoo so freaking much? I get that it's nice to take ds to these sorts of things because he enjoys them and it's fun to do as a family but a) I'M his MOTHER, NOT MIL and b) there are other things closer to home, things that *I* can also participate in that don't involve excluding me!


For example, I found a local smaller zoo that is only about 30 minutes from where we live. Still a little outside my comfort zone but much more "do-able", ya know? Not only that but it's like a safari type thing where you can either take a horse-drawn wagon through the place OR you can ride in your own vehicle which I thought was pretty cool. Best of all, the animals are all free-roaming and come right up the car where you can see and feed them. I've been to the bigger zoo many times on field trips when I was in school and you can't see half the animals because the enclosures are so damn big and/or the animals don't want to venture outside and be seen for whatever reason. And other than some possible farm animals in the petting zoo section, you certainly can't feed or pet and get up close and personal with any of the animals.


I mentioned this smaller zoo idea to dh earlier and he was all, "Sounds lame. I think ds would like the larger zoo a LOT better." Well, YEAH, he probably would but I can't GO to the bigger zoo which means, if they go, I'll have to sit at home, all alone. Worse, you can bet MIL will be there front and center, playing mommy to MY ds and having a wonderful time.


I've been doing so good with my anxiety issues. I've stuck with the therapy, done everything and then some that my T has told me to do and worked my ass off to try and get better. I've even pushed myself to go outside my comfort zone on numerous occasions and have been making a huge effort to do more stuff outside the home with ds, like when we went bowling the other week. I had much anxiety the whole time but I went because I want ds to remember doing fun stuff with BOTH his parents and not look back and say, "I had a lot of fun with my nana and dad but mom was always home with her anxiety and back issues." So even though I paid for the it the next day with back pain, I went bowling and am glad I did because ds had a great time and seeing him smile made it all worth it.


I just wish that MIL would back the fuck off and quit trying to play mommy to my ds and that dh would stand up for me and work WITH me on some things a bit more. Like this local, smaller zoo. Okay, so it's not as awesome as the big zoo but so what? It's a zoo, ds would love it (we watched the little video on the site and ds said it looked fun) and, best of all, we could ALL go together as a family. Instead, dh says we can "work on" my anxiety and stuff so that I can go to the larger zoo. (The loose "plan" between dh and MIL is to go to the zoo within the next month or two. Gee, that should be PLENTY of time for me to magically erase years worth of trauma and anxiety! NOT.) 


As for MIL, she brings up going to the zoo at least once every other week lately. The next time she brings it up, I think I'm going to have to be blunt and say something like, "ENOUGH about the zoo already! When DH and I are ready to take OUR son to the zoo, we'll let you know. Until then, this matter is no longer up for discussion." as clearly my previous, subtle comments have not been heard by her.


I wish so much I had a friend or relative I could count on and vent to. My four "parents" aren't worth a shit, my IL's tend to see me as "over-reacting" or "too sensitive" and/or side with their son 99.9% of the time and I have no friends that I can call up or go visit and talk to. I DO have my aunt N who will listen and be sympathetic but a) she's going through some serious stuff right now with her IL's failing health and b) since she works a lot, it generally takes her a few days to respond via email.


I suppose I should say here that, generally speaking, dh is very loving and supportive. I couldn't have made it as far as I have in my healing process without his steadfast love and support and I love and appreciate him very much. But when it comes to his mother, it's like his head goes out the window sometimes and he's blind to her manipulations. As for MIL, she and I generally get along okay but when it comes to my ds, we've had issues from day one. I felt then and continue to feel to a large degree that she sees herself as more of a mother to ds than a GM and, as ds' mother, I find this to be a threat and I don't like it. Actually, I don't know that it's so much that she sees herself as ds' mother as it is that she doesn't seem to acknowledge that there should be certain boundaries that, as ds' GM, she shouldn't cross.


*I* am ds' mother. *I* carried him in MY womb for nearly 10 months and it was ME who went through 26 hours of un-medicated labor and complications resulting in an emergency c-section to bring him into this world, NOT MIL. As I said just previously, there are certain things, boundaries, IMHO, that it's just understood aren't to be crossed. Things that are for a child's PARENTS to have the right and privilege to do with their child. Things that MIL seems to think she has a right to step forward and push to do, like the zoo thing or ds' first Easter Egg hunt. Dh and I showed up at the church only to have MIL snatch ds up and refuse to put him down the entire time we were there. She walked around with MY child in her arms and helped him collect eggs as if SHE were his mother instead of me. When I finally had enough and said something to dh, he defended MIL saying that she was just excited about showing him off to her church lady friends.


Don't get me wrong, I think it's important for ds to have a good relationship with his GP's and I encourage that in many ways, such as trying to include them in various activities that we do as a family. But they should be there as our invited guests, NOT acting as ds' parents. Again, there are just certain things that, to me, are off limits and a child's "firsts" are a big one. As a GP, unless invited to take charge, to me, they should stand back and allow the parents of the child to take the lead role and not try to interfere or take charge. By all means, feel free to voice suggestions or opinions from time to time but don't step in and tell me how to raise my child or try to take over things that you have no business taking over!


I don't know, is it just me here? Maybe I just have a screwed up version of how family should be, specifically with regard to GP's roles? After all, it's not like I had the best example of family to go by. I just know it feels wrong how MIL acts sometimes. She had her chance with her own children and, in all honesty, she was a good mom to them and did a great job. But ds is MY son and all I ask is that she step back (and step off!) and allow me to experience the joys of raising my own child instead of repeatedly trying to step in and take over my place. It just feels like she knows my weaknesses with regard to my anxiety and PTSD and tries to use those to her benefit so that she can re-live the glory days of motherhood with my child. Doesn't feel good and I don't like it one bit.

Feeling all over the place regarding NM...

A couple weeks ago, I just wanted back out of the newly LC relationship I'd gotten into with NM. I felt at the time she was playing games, giving me the "silent treatment" because she didn't like that I'd told her she can't see ds right now. Since then, I've heard word from a couple people that would seem to point to NM not having any ill intent or deliberately trying to punish me in any way. I still feel in my gut that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment but I also have to admit, if I'm to be honest with myself, that it is at least POSSIBLE that there was no malicious intent that maybe she was just busy or whatever.

There are several parts to what I'm feeling. I'll try to list them all here but I may ramble a bit.

Part of me feels stuck now because, since I'm not 100% sure NM did anything deliberately to be hurtful, I feel I have no valid reason to walk away. Don't know why I should need a REASON exactly, but it just feels appropriate that there should be one?

I've also heard some songs lately, angry songs, and been reading here a bit more than usual and when all combined, my old friend anger has returned with a vengeance. All the memories of all the shit NM has pulled over the years, all the hateful, hurtful things she said during NC, how she tried to turn my extended FOO against me, how she smeared me to everyone who'd listen to her, it just makes me to damned ANGRY at her. On one hand, I want to smash her face into a pulp and, on the other, I wish it were possible to completely open my pain to her and get her to understand so that she would then feel the pain of knowing what she'd done to me. Then I would turn and walk away from her and leave her with no chance of being forgiven or of finding absolution so that she'd just have to ROT for eternity knowing what she'd done, the pain she'd caused. As a mother, I'd find that way worse than being beaten to death and I feel my "mother" deserves all that hell and more. (Seeing the anger yet? LOL)

When I think of all those things, I just want to tell her to go fuck herself and walk away and go back to NC again. Problem is, it would also mean I'd once again catch flack from the extended FOO, some of whom I'm just now finally starting to talk to again and have some form of a positive relationship with.

But then I start thinking to myself, "NM hasn't really done anything that wrong since I've been back in contact with her and it would be cruel to just walk away again considering that. Besides, what happens when two weeks/months/years down the line I long to make contact with her again? It wouldn't be nice to jerk someone around like that and, regardless of what she's done to deserve it, it's not the sort of person *I* want to be." At this point, I start thinking maybe I should just leave things as they are (which is extreme LC, emphasis on the extreme part) only then I start feeling like, "But I wanna tell her off and walk away! I wanna HURT her!" (Okay, so maybe she can't be hurt like a normal person but there's gotta be a way to hurt her to some degree.)

To clarify, I'm hardly sitting here freaking out or all upset about this situation, though it IS on my mind a lot. I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm feeling and decide what I should do. I guess I also don't feel like it's OKAY or appropriate to do what I'm feeling I want to do in regards to telling her off and wanting to hurt her. I know that my anger is righteous and earned and I know that NM has done things to deserve and earn whatever I feel toward her. She's been a shitty mother and a worse human being and, as such, deserves what she gets in the way of people being angry at her, etc. I just so don't want to be one of those people who gets all caught up in being bitter, angry and wanting revenge, ya know? While NC, I thought I'd forgiven NM - for MY sake - and let go of most all of the anger and bitterness and now here it is again, full force and I'm just like, "Damn! I thought I'd made more progress than this! Will this ever end? Will I ever finally be free of all this?" My T, bless her, just keeps saying, "It's a process." but I am BEYOND ready for this freaking process to be OVER, KWIM?

In talking with dh about this last night, it also occurred to me that what I want most of all is to be right. Dr. Phil often will ask his guests, "Do you want to fix this and heal from it or do you wanna be right?". Ideally, I'd say both but if I had to pick one, at this point, I want to be right. It feels GOOD to hear people say that my NM is a nutjob an that I'm right to stay as far away from her as possible. For so many years I was told I was wrong/bad/stupid/over-reacting/too sensitive/etc. and for once I just wanna be right. The problem is, the "high" that comes from that kind of validation only lasts for so long and then I'm right back to needing another "fix".

Not sure what I'm looking for here exactly. I mostly just needed to get all this out of my head. (And maybe be heard?)

Thanks if you made it this far. I know I can be long-worded sometimes!

Hugs, 

DA xx