Called my NF...

Well, I did it. I broke down and called my NF. When I called him, he was at work so couldn't talk more than just a couple minutes but he called me back later that evening and we talked for an hour. As it turned out, I might as well have talked to a mattress for an hour. Seriously, in the hour we spoke - after not speaking to him for over two years - all I found out from NF was that he still works at the same grocery store part-time, that he had a good Christmas and that he's hoping to receive a call (that'd be a pastoral call since NF is...get this....an ordained minister) to New Jersey. He also managed to work a comment in there to the effect of my supposedly having "asked for my space" and him willingly obliging. Mind you, nothing of the sort ever happened but if that's how he needs to re-write it in his head, so be it. I just ignored the comment and, surprisingly, it wasn't that hard.

I suppose a tiny part of me had wondered (I can't say "hoped" exactly) that maybe, after two years of not speaking to me at all, NF would have changed in some way. After all, after two years of not speaking with NM, when I finally spoke with her again, it was clear that some sort of thought process had gone on in her and her behavior had changed somewhat. Is she the perfect mother now? Certainly not but it's clear that she at least is TRYING to be nicer and more respectful of me and my feelings and that is enough for me. So NOT the case with my NF who talked as if we'd just spoken last week and the past two years hadn't happened.

After I'd hung up, I felt a bit disappointed but, ultimately, I was happy I'd done it and called him. I would say I now feel numb but that's not exactly accurate. To me, numb implies that I suffered some trauma and am now in a state of shock and that's not at all the case. I guess the best label for what I feel now is acceptance. I don't know if I'll speak with NF again and, if not, I feel like I'm okay with that now. Likewise, if NF needs to re-write history to make himself "right" and me "wrong", I'm okay with that too. That is to say, I don't care anymore. Used to be, something like this would have driven me crazy and I would have immediately jumped to defending myself, which would - of course - have been exactly what NF wanted and we'd have wound up arguing back and forth until I either relented and admitted to being wrong or said that we'd just have to agree to disagree. But now, I honestly don't care what NF thinks of me or of what happened. *I* know the truth and so do those who matter. And for me, now, that is enough.

Confused...

Not sure what's going on lately. I've felt a really strong pull to break NC with my N father and reach out to him in some way. Have come so close many times to emailing him or picking up the phone and calling but just before I do, I always stop for some reason.

I suppose part of me is unhappy with how things were left two years ago and continues to long for a relationship with my NF. But I'm also smart enough at this point to know that it would almost certainly end with my being hurt yet again. If I were to get in touch with him, one of two things would happen - either he'd reject me or he'd say all the right things like he did last time but they would eventually be proven fake and I'd be left hurting once again.

I just wish I could understand why there's such a huge pull. Is it just instinctual for a child to long for a relationship with one's parents? Or is it that I'm just a glutton for punishment? To listen to others, it could be either. Though, admittedly, it's far more preferable for me to believe that it's just instinctual rather than to believe that there's something wrong with me that I keep going back for more despite being hurt time and again.

Or maybe it's that things haven't been going quite as well with NM lately. She's not doing anything so completely awful I guess. It's just that she's been whining and complaining about everything lately. Every time I talk with her lately it's all her whining about how she has no money, how she's tired of living like this, how she's sick of feeling sick and tired all the time, how she hates her hair, etc. Mind you, anytime I've offered her a suggestion to solve one of her many problems, she always has an excuse why it won't work. For example, if she complains that she's tired of not having money and how she'd get a job if only there were any out there, I might mention that I saw X place hiring only for NM to respond that she doesn't want to have to work, she doesn't want to get stuck working nights and weekends and/or that they would only pay her minimum wage and she refuses to work for less than $14+ an hour. And when all else fails, NM comes out with her favorite excuse - quite simply, she "can't be bothered".

Personally, I think the real truth is that she doesn't want to help herself because then she can't go on being the victim. If there's anything NM loves, it's being able to play the victim. The proof of that in my mind is that NM is ALWAYS undergoing some sort of crisis, be it some new physical ailment or something going on externally in her life. She whines almost non-stop about having diabetes yet does NOTHING to help her situation. I've told her numerous times that she needs to avoid carbs especially in her diet but what does NM eat 99.9% of the time? That's right, carbs! She'll call me up and complain that she's feeling so shaky that day and when I ask what she's eaten that day, it's almost always, "I had some toast" or "I had some pasta". If I say anything, her response is always, "The doctor said I could!". NO, NM...what the doctor said was that it was okay once in a while to have a small portion of pasta or a slice of pizza if she went out for dinner. It was never intended that she eat that stuff at nearly every meal. But of course if NM began eating correctly, she might feel better and then she wouldn't be able to whine about the unfairness of it all that she be saddled with such a burden.

*sigh* Life with N's. Never a dull moment, is it?

The NMIL saga (cont'd.)...

So, after much thought, I had decided to handle things myself with NMIL. Because I feared she might try to lie and claim I'd been mean to her if I called her on the phone to talk with her, I decided to go the email route so I'd have proof that I'd been civil and respectful. Here's the email I sent her:

Hey (NMIL's name),

Am writing to you as there is something I would like to discuss with you. There have been several instances now where you've seemingly gone over my head or behind my back where making plans are concerned. I don't even know if you're aware of what you're doing but it feels like you are deliberately going out of your way to avoid having to speak to me. I want to believe it's unintentional and you don't mean anything by your actions but it's difficult when I know dh has told you himself on at least two occasions to speak to me yet you've continued to go through him.

Have I done something to anger or upset you in some way? I can't recall anything specific but maybe you were offended by something I said or did? If so, I apologize. I care very much for you and hope you know that I would never want to hurt or offend you. Hopefully, if there is something, we can talk about it and work it out.

Love you and hope to hear from you soon.

DA

I sent the email around noon yesterday and, at the time I started writing this post, I still hadn't heard from NMIL. Around 9:33am, I was checking my email and up popped an email from her. It reads:

I did not deliberated talk to [dh's name] first sorry if i offended you. He did tell me to check with you I am just use to talking to him and asking if he is interested in something..I know u keep up with your family schedule more than he does. In the further i will talk with u . I hope there are no hard feelings. thanks for bringing this to my attention, please feel like u can talk to me anytime. Love u!! Wasn"t sure this was from u I hesitated to open it sooner.

I suppose I should have expected as much. No way would NMIL be so careless as to email me back with what she REALLY thinks and feels, thereby giving me proof that I could then turn around and show dh. No, better to keep it so that it's only my word against hers since she believes dh will always side with HER. Sadly, the truth is, I think NMIL may be right about that.

Last night, after telling dh about the email I'd sent to NMIL - I figured he'd find out about it sooner or later and I'd rather he heard it from ME first before his NM potentially added her spin to it - he was VERY upset with me. Apparently I should have checked with him first and discussed it with him. By not doing so, I've put him in the middle and "disrespected him" and basically told him "Fuck you" and implied that he's a pussy ass momma's boy who can't handle his mommy. While there is some truth to that - sorry, but it's just reality - my intention was never to disrespect my dh in any way. I was simply trying to handle things myself and put an end to NMIL's treatment of me since the few (heavily sugar-coated) times dh has talked with his NM haven't done shit. 

Despite my good intentions however, apparently I'm still in the wrong. Truly, no matter what I seem to do, it's a lose/lose/lose situation for me. If I leave it to dh and trust him to handle it, it doesn't get handled and I'm stuck being disrespected by his NM as well as having dh mad at me for "putting him in the middle" and pushing him to confront his mom. If I handle it myself, dh is angry with me for disrespecting him and taking matters into my own hands. If I give up and concede to NMIL and just let her win, then dh and NMIL are happy but I'm left to live out my life feeling miserable as well as having my resentment toward dh build until it really begins to cause problems in our marriage.

In addition to telling me I'd disrespected and emasculated him, he also totally invalidated my feelings, thoughts and experiences regarding what's been going on with his NM. He told me that a few times of her going behind my back or over my head does NOT constitute as her "disrespecting" me or "treating me like shit" and that I'm once again making a huge deal out of a small thing. In other words, I'm too sensitive and over-reacting. And so, what I've long suspected regarding dh's view of things - that he truly doesn't get it - has been 100% confirmed. Way to make me feel supported dh, thanks a bunch.

It's becoming clearer and clearer that, despite dh's fierce protests, his mommy (and the rest of his FOO) will always come first. Truly, I'm left feeling very defeated and hopeless. I can either continue fighting for myself which will result in dh getting angry with me and causing repeated fights between us (and potentially ruin our marriage) OR I can give up and just be miserable until NMIL finally dies.

This sucks. :o(

NMIL just called a bit ago....

She called to tell DS good night. At the end, she asked to speak to dh and insisted on speaking to him despite the fact that he was in the shower and had said he'd call her back. What was so important? She wanted to tell him the times of the picnic this coming Saturday. So despite the fact that I was standing right there and it would have been much easier and made far more sense for her to speak to me - especially given that dh had just told her (AGAIN) last night to go through me - she chose to once again go over my head and speak with dh. But "it's not intentional". Yeah. Right. 

NMIL's at it again...

NMIL called last night, like she does EVERY night, to say good night to DS. When she was done, she asked if dh was home. DS said he was and NMIL asked to speak to him. Dh had the phone on speaker so I heard what was said. NMIL told dh that the grocery store chain that NBIL and NSIL work for was once again having their yearly fair and she wanted to know if dh and DS wanted to go. My dh, who had told me the last time this issue came up that he would "handle it" - he didn't - just stood there and said, "Oh! That sounds great!". I nudged him and then mouthed to him "She's supposed to go through ME, remember?!". Had I not been there and/or said anything, I've little doubt that dh would have said/done NOTHING. Yet he has the gall to get mad at me because I don't trust him to handle it. 

Dh back-tracked and told NMIL that she'd have to talk to me and so she reluctantly asked to speak to me. When I told her we had plans between 3 and 5pm that day, she said she'd have to check with NSIL to see what their schedule was, what time they wanted to leave, what time they planned to come back home, etc. Clearly what is convenient for US and OUR family doesn't even register. It's all about what NBIL and NSIL want.

So now I clearly have to talk with dh and I'm dreading it because I know it's going to wind up in us having yet another argument with him claiming to have my back all the while he's taking his family's side and trying to discourage me from "making a big deal out of nothing". My plan is to tell dh that I am no longer willing to be disrespected by his mother and that since he has shown that he cannot or will not handle it as promised, he's left me no other option but to either sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect me or to take a stand and handle it myself. I also plan to tell him that I strongly resent being put into yet another lose/lose situation by him by way of either being unhappy and disrespected by his mom or fighting with him and having him angry at me for daring to stand up and refuse to continue to allow the mistreatment.

I just wish I knew what it would take for dh to see their bad behavior for what it is and DO something about it. He talks a big game, says he has no problem confronting his family and standing up to them yet at every turn, he seems to find any excuse he can not to have to upset them in any way, even if it means repeatedly throwing me and our marriage under the bus.

In so many ways, my dh is a wonderful man. He's an amazing father, a great provider and he's stuck by my side through things that likely would have made most other men walk. In just about any circumstance, I trust in my heart 100% that I can count on him to be there for me and have my back. But when it comes to his family - especially his mother - I feel like a complete afterthought. If it means taking a stand and simply asking for respect for me/us, forget it. Dh will make up an excuse if need be rather than stand up to them.

I'm just so sick of this situation.

Something else that occurred to me...

Been thinking about this situation with my N IL's today and something else occurred to me. I was talking to dh earlier via IM online and told him that I would like it to be noted that his NM had once again gone over my head and cut me out of the equation by emailing him instead of talking to me like he'd instructed her to do the last time an issue came up. His response was that he could understand why she went over my head this time since, in the past two years, dh and ds had gone with NMIL to the fair alone. I reminded dh that wasn't true, that I'd gone with them last year and then stated that wasn't the point. Were this an isolated incident, I could maybe overlook it but it's just one instance in a long pattern of behavior with his mother. Dh grew impatient and angry with me and said he'd just forward NMIL's to me from now on. I told him that was all fine and dandy but that it didn't solve the problem of his mother disrespecting me and that he needed to say something to her. I told him that I am sorry he's always being put in a bad position but that he was the one who said he wanted to handle his parents (and me mine) when stuff like this came up. I went on to say that if he didn't want to handle it, I was more than happy to step up and respectfully handle it myself but he would get angry with me about that too.

My problem is that dh is upset and angry with ME all the time and I'M not the one doing anything wrong. His NM is the one overstepping the boundaries and disrespecting me and then when I dare to speak up and ask not to be mistreated, I'M the bad guy with dh. Meanwhile, NMIL wreaks her havoc and consistently escapes any and all blame as far as dh is concerned. I wish I could figure out a way to make dh realize that his anger is misplaced and that I am not the one he should be upset with.

Why is it that dh would rather sell his soul to the dark side than so much as think that his NM is anything other than a saint who can do no wrong? Why does he seem so willing to throw me under the bus and ask me to suffer further mistreatment rather than stand up for me/us? More to the point, what will it take for him to wake up and see what's really going on before he does something? Honestly, sometimes - like today - I feel like dh could catch his NM red handed trying to poison me and still he'd find a way to rationalize it away and make it okay in his mind. I love my dh very much and in so many ways, he's such a wonderful man but I just don't know how much more of this constantly being put second to his NFOO I can take. It would seem to me that when NMIL disrespects me, she's also disrespecting dh since I'm his wife. But all I get from dh is excuses of how NMIL "didn't mean it" or how it was "completely unintentional". Then I'm told how I'M over-reacting, being too sensitive, etc. Am so sick of it all.

I think what I'm going to do is let dh "handle it" one last time. But the next time NMIL goes over my head and deliberately tries to cut me out of decisions involving MY ds - and I think we all know it WILL happen and sooner than later - I'm going to handle the matter and call NMIL out myself. If dh doesn't like it and/or wants to throw a fit, I don't give a shit anymore. Bottom line, if HE isn't going to nip this in the bud and put a stop to my being disrespected by his NM, then *I* will!

Needing a reality check here...

Am feeling pretty sure I have a right to be upset but, as you all know, sometimes it's hard to know for sure and have doubts. Here's the situation...

Without going into too much detail, NBIL posted a political "joke" on Facebook earlier today. The basic gist was that if people simply work hard enough, they can be rich too and that anyone who isn't must be lazy and not working hard enough and/or that all homeless and poor people are just looking for handouts and lazy. Generally, if I disagree with someone's political views with regard to something they post, I just scroll past and let it go. The few times I DO respond, I try to be very respectful because just as I am entitled to my beliefs, so are others entitled to theirs, right? So anyways, I chose to respond to this particular "joke" and stated that the belief that all poor people were just lazy and looking for handouts is completely ridiculous. I then added a comment that luck can change in an instant and that some people would do well to remember that as they sat on their high horses looking down their noses at people less fortunate than them.

Now, admittedly, it was a bit passive-aggressive but, given my N IL's nasty behaviors recently, I couldn't help myself. I felt and feel that I handled myself respectfully enough, despite the P/A nature of the comment. I didn't come flat out and call NBIL out and I don't feel I was nasty. A bit snarky perhaps but not nasty. Also, the way I see it, by posting his views on a public forum like FB, NBIL is opening himself up to comments. Well dh threw a fit and told me I needed to delete the last part of my comment because he just KNEW that his family was going to take offense and then poor dh would be put in the middle, blah blah. After a bit of back and forth, I told dh flat out - "Look, I am NOT deleting my comment. I have every right to express my thoughts and opinions same as your family does and I have done NOTHING wrong." Dh stormed out and went to work.

Honestly, I am so sick and tired of always being expected to tip toe around dh's family because heaven forbid we offend them in any way or hurt their feelings. I am DONE. It's always ME who is supposed to apologize or take back something I said or wrote lest it offend his family....but it's okay for THEM to talk crap about me and disrespect me. Case in point, recently (I'm pretty sure I posted about this on here somewhere) NMIL manipulated the situation and went over my head to ask dh - called him at WORK no less, despite the fact she knew I was at home - if she could take ds to a local splash pad place. Dh told NMIL to ask me but instead of doing that, NMIL ignored that and mentioned it to ds thereby putting me in a bad position because I'd already confirmed with my NM that she could visit with ds that day. So then I was put in a lose/lose position because either I told ds he couldn't go and he resented me and NM for him not being able to go or I let ds go and NMIL got her way and then NM was (quite rightfully so) upset at me. When I mentioned this to dh, he blew me off and told me to just blame it on him and said my NM would get over it. It wasn't a big deal and he could care less. (Not what he came out and said but that was his attitude about it.) But when it's HIS family or HIM being put in a bad position, all of a sudden it's a HUGE deal and I need to recognize and step off. I am SO FUCKING DONE with them and their crap!!!

When NMIL pulled this stunt dh told her that, in the future, she needed to come through ME and we agreed that if she did come to him again, he would tell her to contact ME and ask ME. Well, last night, dh gets an email from NMIL asking if "we" - meaning dh and ds - were planning to go to the county fair this weekend and, if so, she was going to get tickets. Dh DID check with me before responding but not a word was said to NMIL about needing to check with me. Once again, dh let NMIL get away with cutting me out of the picture and said NOTHING. Yet I'm supposed to know beyond a doubt that he is supposedly on MY side and backs me 100%. Yeah. I can just feel the love and support dh, thanks.

On an unrelated side note, NBIL and NSIL posted video on FB this morning of the GC grandson riding around in MY ds' toy ride-around car. Now, they know full well that ds has had jealousy issues with the GC since he arrived (and deservedly so...the favoritism is obvious) and yet it doesn't occur to them that ds, who has his own FB account so that he can play Angry Birds on there (just FYI, he is always supervised when online) might see this stupid video and be upset by it? I don't give a crap if it was NBIL and NSIL who bought it for ds, it was a GIFT and , as such is DS' car and they either a) should have called and asked if it would be okay for their brat to ride in it or b) at the very least not posted it all over FB. But instead, the favored little prince is just expected to have everything handed down to him. NMIL actually got ANGRY with me recently because I refused to just GIVE her a pair of expensive tennis shoes I'd purchased for ds when he was a baby so that the GC brat could wear them!

I don't know. Am I just being a petty bitch here or do I have legitimate cause to be upset?