Monday, February 11, 2013

Called my NF...

Well, I did it. I broke down and called my NF. When I called him, he was at work so couldn't talk more than just a couple minutes but he called me back later that evening and we talked for an hour. As it turned out, I might as well have talked to a mattress for an hour. Seriously, in the hour we spoke - after not speaking to him for over two years - all I found out from NF was that he still works at the same grocery store part-time, that he had a good Christmas and that he's hoping to receive a call (that'd be a pastoral call since NF is...get ordained minister) to New Jersey. He also managed to work a comment in there to the effect of my supposedly having "asked for my space" and him willingly obliging. Mind you, nothing of the sort ever happened but if that's how he needs to re-write it in his head, so be it. I just ignored the comment and, surprisingly, it wasn't that hard.

I suppose a tiny part of me had wondered (I can't say "hoped" exactly) that maybe, after two years of not speaking to me at all, NF would have changed in some way. After all, after two years of not speaking with NM, when I finally spoke with her again, it was clear that some sort of thought process had gone on in her and her behavior had changed somewhat. Is she the perfect mother now? Certainly not but it's clear that she at least is TRYING to be nicer and more respectful of me and my feelings and that is enough for me. So NOT the case with my NF who talked as if we'd just spoken last week and the past two years hadn't happened.

After I'd hung up, I felt a bit disappointed but, ultimately, I was happy I'd done it and called him. I would say I now feel numb but that's not exactly accurate. To me, numb implies that I suffered some trauma and am now in a state of shock and that's not at all the case. I guess the best label for what I feel now is acceptance. I don't know if I'll speak with NF again and, if not, I feel like I'm okay with that now. Likewise, if NF needs to re-write history to make himself "right" and me "wrong", I'm okay with that too. That is to say, I don't care anymore. Used to be, something like this would have driven me crazy and I would have immediately jumped to defending myself, which would - of course - have been exactly what NF wanted and we'd have wound up arguing back and forth until I either relented and admitted to being wrong or said that we'd just have to agree to disagree. But now, I honestly don't care what NF thinks of me or of what happened. *I* know the truth and so do those who matter. And for me, now, that is enough.