Monday, June 27, 2011

Thoughts of contacting NM...

I keep going back and forth on this but I keep coming back to feeling a desire to contact NM again. To be clear, I am NOT thinking of completely undoing all of NC but having more extreme LC. Basically, I've been considering having a strictly email/letter relationship for now and see how things go. I feel I'm at a place where I could handle that much and maintain my individuality as well as enforce my boundaries with her. The thing is, every time I get to where I think I've decided I'm going to do it, I can't help but remember all the things NM has done to me over the years, most specifically since going NC with her. The lies, the smear campaigns, trying to turn my own family against me - and succeeding on that front to a good measure - telling people how I'M a liar, a thief and how she believes I have mental problems and, thus, should be avoided by everyone. At that point, I just can't bring myself to go through with it which, while probably a good thing, just makes me so sad inside and makes me feel frustrated at the hopelessness of the situation.

This isn't some friend we're talking about here, it's my mother and, damn it, I ought to be able to have a positive relationship with the woman. I ought to be able to call her up and tell her how ds is doing in school, how his teachers all say it looks like he may be advanced. I ought to be able to share my newly decorated house with her and be able to hear her say how much she likes it and/or how nice a job I've done with the place. I ought to be able to count on her for support when I find out my SIL is very sick in the hospital and may not make it. All these things and more so many others have with their mothers and take for granted and here I sit, willing to give just about anything for just a single day like that with my own mom. It's so damned unfair.

I sit here and I think to myself, "Is this really it? Was January the 9th of 2010 really the last time I'll ever see or speak to my mother? Will I ever get to hear her voice or hug her again? Or will the next time I see her be her obituary picture in the local newspaper?" Honestly, the thought of never again seeing her or speaking to her, of never going "antiquing" together or hugging her again is almost too much to bear. Despite everything - despite the smear campaigns, the lies, the abuse, not being there for me, etc. - despite it all, I still love her dearly. She may be sick, she may be unable to be the kind of person I so long for her to be in my life but, despite it all, she's still my mother. The woman who carried me in her womb, who gave birth to me, who - at one time - I believe did love me the way a mother should, who fought my NF time and again to protect me from his and NSM's horrible influence, the woman who I used to have occasional good times with.....the woman I literally ache inside, I miss her so much.

I've spoken to my therapist about this whole thing, my feelings about wanting to contact NM but not being sure I can ever go back and she seems to think that the time will come, after I've healed a bit more, when she thinks I will be able to handle having NM back in my life again. It's a lovely thought and one I hold on to.....and yet, again that whisper in the back of my head that lists over and over all the hurtful things she's said and done.


Friday, June 24, 2011

Prayers still needed....

It seems some new problems have arisen with my SIL. Yesterday, though MUCH improved, the hospital staff and a visiting friend of my BIL and SIL noticed SIL was getting confused and saying the wrong thing, such as calling her dh by my dh's name occasionally, etc. They did several scans, some with contrast dye, and as of the last scan, it appears my SIL has four very small blood clots in her brain which the doctors believe to be the cause of her current issues. As of now, they aren't sure if the damage (confusion, etc.) she's experiencing is permanent or whether it will eventually improve.

Please continue to pray and/or send good vibes/thoughts for her that she makes a full recovery and can soon go home to her dh and new baby.


DA xx

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Is it really just me?

So, as I mentioned in previous posts, my BIL and SIL have been at the hospital since early yesterday morning after SIL's health scare. While they were there, MIL has been caring for my new nephew. Actually, for the past week since my nephew was born, MIL has been trading off nights with BIL to help care for the baby since SIL has been confined to the couch and unable to get up except to use the bathroom. As a result, MIL had had the baby the night before SIL's seizure and subsequent hospital stay and then all day yesterday, all night last night and all day so far today. And, since SIL may yet need to stay in the hospital another day or two, it looks like MIL will probably continue keeping the baby on her own for another day or so. (Yes, my FIL is there too but, when it comes to child care, my FIL is about as useless as a one-legged dog.)

So anyways, FIL calls up earlier to check in, update us on SIL's condition and chat briefly with ds to see how he's doing as ds has had a cold the past couple days. We chatted for a bit and then, at one point, I heard FIL kind of shout MIL's name and then the baby started crying. Somewhat alarmed, I asked if everything was alright and FIL kind of chuckled and said that MIL was nodding off and her head had fallen forward and she'd konked the baby's head with hers which had caused him to cry. At that point I said, "Why don't I come and get the baby and bring him here for a bit and give you and MIL a break?" FIL didn't even get it all out of his mouth before I heard MIL say, very nastily, in the background that she was FINE and could do it all by herself just FINE. When I tried to say something else, all FIL would say was that MIL was "made for this" and would be just fine. *roll eyes*

Is it just me or do you all find that something is seriously "off" with this woman - MIL - and her behavior regarding her grandchildren? If you really want to know the truth, I feel she's being a selfish, stubborn COW of a woman who would apparently rather risk putting a child's safety in jeopardy than let someone - me - step in and help out for a few hours and give her a break.

She was/is the same way with ds, especially when he was first born. Always wanting to be the one holding him and caring for him. If I'd let her, she'd have set up a full room for him at her house and kept him there 24-7 quite happily. As it was, I insisted on ds staying in the house with me and MIL usually sat around pouting. No matter how much she got to hold ds, it was never enough. And now with my nephew, she acts more like he's HER child rather than her grandchild and as if a known deviant or something is trying to take the child from her rather than the child's aunt who only wants to help give her a break for a bit. 

Once SIL is all recovered and she and BIL go back to work full time the plan is for MIL to take over daily care of the child full time, 7 days a week or more. I'm supposed to be comfortable with this?? I feel I should add here that I'm almost as much worried about MIL as the baby. MIL just REFUSES to admit that she's getting on in years and that there are things she just cannot do the way she used to anymore. Suffice it to say it's been many, many years since she had to take care of a newborn infant full time. Both her sons are in their 30's now and she's going to be 60 this year. And nothing against 60-something year olds either. It's just that UN-like some other 60 year olds, MIL is badly out of shape and, at last report, pre-diabetic (though since she refuses to change her diet and listen to her doctors, it's only a matter of time until she's full on diabetic, if she's not already). As any parent knows, it's hard enough taking care of a newborn when you're in your 20's or 30's but MIL insists she's just as capable - MORE capable actually, though she hasn't quite come out and said as much, but you can tell by her tone and attitude - as the children's parents and as she was when she was a new mother herself.

Ugh! I am just SO pissed off today with MIL's selfishness and stubbornness! To make matters worse, I log onto Facebook today and see this posted from dh's cousin (MIL's niece):

Aunt (MIL's name), you are an awesome Nana. Your daughter-in-law's are so lucky to have you as the mother of their husbands and grandmother of their sons. I can't think of a person I respect more on this earth.

Seriously?? Pardon my french but fucking GAG me with a spoon! Little does dh's cousin know that MIL has a bitchy streak about a mile and a half wide and has badmouthed said cousin many, many times behind her back - and quite viciously too, I might add -specifically with regard to the fact that cousin is a lesbian and she and her partner recently decided to have a baby via artificial insemination from an anonymous source. MIL talks about cousin like she's some kind of freak of nature and made a comment that 'at least there's something normal about her' with regard to the fact that cousin was the one to carry the baby. I was like WTF?? I told MIL that while cousin's choices were vastly different from the ones she and I may have made for our lives that I hardly thought that classified her as abnormal in any way. But, I digress. You get the idea. I'm half tempted to privately message cousin on FB and tell her that appearances aren't always correct or something along those lines but I figure it'd only hurt cousin and, at worst, she may pass along what I'd said to MIL which would cause bigger problems.

I just cannot STAND that everyone - MIL's own sons and dh included - seems to view MIL like she's some kind of martyred saint who can do no wrong when she's just like anyone else, with flaws of her own. Anytime I've brought up to dh my issues with his mother, no matter how politely and respectfully I phrase it, 99.9% of the time he comes back and says how I'm not seeing things right or how my views of parents are skewed by my experiences with N FOO, etc. In other words, I'm "over-reacting" or making too big a deal of nothing.

So I ask all of you - is it just me here or do you also see something very wrong and/or "off" about MIL's behaviors in regard to her grandchildren? I think it's one thing to be extremely fond of one's grandchildren and another thing entirely to have an unhealthy attachment to them and MIL would definitely fall into the latter group, IMHO. 

I remember when ds was just born and seeing how MIL acted towards him and feeling very threatened. It was like MIL viewed my child as hers and I often felt as if MIL was trying to have another go at motherhood via MY child. She even went so far as to call ds (dh's name) junior for the longest time. Granted, ds did look A LOT like dh when he was a baby but it was just creepy the way MIL would refer to him by that nickname and I always made a point to correct her when she did it. MIL would also buy a lot of clothes for ds that looked straight out of the 70's which was the era dh grew up in. Truly, I felt she was trying to re-create her experiences only with my child. To this day, it creeps me out majorly.

*sigh* I'm just in a bad mood now over this whole thing. I'm so grateful SIL is going to be okay but this thing with MIL and my nephew has just brought up a whole lot of bad memories for me.

Thank you all!

Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts that you sent for my SIL yesterday. I've just heard that the blood patch procedure they did on her last night was apparently a success and she's now on the mend! She may even be able to come home in a day or two! 

Thank the Lord for answered prayers!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Prayers needed....

Just heard from my FIL earlier that my dear SIL was rushed to the hospital this morning after suffering a seizure. She had a baby last week and the doctors think that there were some complications either from the epidural or from my SIL pushing during labor. She's been suffering with a very bad headache for the past several days and then suddenly this morning she took a big turn for the worse.

If you believe in prayer, please pray for my SIL that God will heal her and send her back home soon to my BIL and their new baby boy. If prayer isn't your thing, good vibes, Karma, etc. are appreciated too.

Thanks so much. I'll let you all know just as soon as I hear anything.


Friday, June 17, 2011

Contact from NSM...

So, the last time I heard anything from NSM was back on May 5th when she gave me her permission to step away from the relationship and changed history to make it that she and NF CHOSE to stay away when they were in town despite how badly they miss me and wanted to see us, because they are oh so noble and supposedly knew it would be too stressful on me and ds. *rolling eyes*

Anyways, so after - what? - a month and a half? I get an email from NSM yesterday. It was some religious email forward with no personal notes or messages attached. I feel pretty sure there's either a dig intended in there somewhere OR she's fishing to see if I'm over being silly and ready to respond to her yet. I'm curious to know what you all think. Here's the email:

Recall Notice:

This is totally amazing. Be sure to read it to the end. Talk about clever and to the point! Never heard it put quite like this before.

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect. The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention, 


P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!

Because He Lives!

It's the first list of "symptoms" of sin that I think could be intended as a dig. As if to say, I wouldn't be acting this way and "disrespecting" them if I wasn't so obviously full of sin. If I would just get God in my life, I'd be the good daughter they "raised". The two of them were ALWAYS preaching at the three of us kids and it's only gotten worse since my NF became a preacher. Of course it could also be that NSM is fishing to see if I'm ready to talk to them again yet. What I don't get is, if that's the case, why not just email me and ASK? Why do N's always seem to feel compelled to play these stupid games all the time? It's so stupid and annoying.

At any rate, I have ZERO intention of responding to NSM's stupid email. Maybe my continued non-response will prompt her to send something more direct? Guess time will tell!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Doubting ourselves and our perceptions...

Read a post on the DoNM board recently from a gal who, after a long period of NC with her NM, received an email from her NM which, at first glance, seemed to be sincere. At first read, it seemed her NM "got it" a bit and was willing and wanting to make amends and start over. Upon further scrutiny - and with a bit of added information about her NM from outside, trusted sources in her life - it's pretty clear to her and the rest of us who've read about it that her NM's motives are far from pure. No surprise there given that her M is an N. The thing is, this person is concerned - worried even - that she doesn't feel more open and trusting toward her NM and worries that she is a "cold, calloused" person.

I think this is one of the cruelest parts of having an NP - they make us doubt our very normal, healthy perceptions and reactions to things. Let's say, for example, that every time you encounter a certain person, they slap you in your face, hard. It would be normal, healthy and completely rational then in this instance to experience anxiety and suspicion any time you encountered this person or had to be around them, would it not? Yet our NP's and the other N's in our lives would have us believe that it was US who are somehow "off" or otherwise wrong to react the way we do. They would probably attack us and label us "too sensitive" or say we were "over-reacting". My NFOO would probably also claim the other person was "just kidding around" and berate me for being unable to take a joke. Bottom line, we are made to believe that WE are the ones in the wrong when the truth is anything but.

At nearly 35 years of age, I still am quick to doubt myself and my perceptions. Though I may know with total certainty what I feel in my gut, all it takes is one little word to trigger that doubt and I start thinking to myself, "Maybe they are right. Maybe I AM over-reacting, too sensitive, etc." It's one thing to suggest that maybe the other person didn't mean it the way it came out, that it was just a misunderstanding or whatever and another thing entirely to state flat out that another's perceptions are wrong or that they are otherwise over-reacting. The first scenario allows the victim another way of looking at things whereas the latter invalidates the victim's experience and, in my opinion, kills the spirit just a little bit more.

Little by little, I'm learning to trust in myself and my gut feelings but it's been a long, hard road and I still have a ways to go yet. I hope that, with time and continued work on my part, I can finally reach a place where I am confident in myself and my feelings and not so easily swayed by others.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I'm still here!

Sorry I haven't posted much lately. We're actually in the process of making a move in the next few months (we hope!) and I've been really busy getting quotes on having some work done to the house we'll be going to, etc. Have also been really busy with ds now that school is out here for the summer, PLUS I have work to finish up on our current house which all adds up to one very busy me!

On another positive note, all has been quiet on the N FOO front as of late so no news to report there either. Mother's Day passed uneventfully insofar as N FOO is concerned. There was no backlash since I didn't acknowledge NSM though I don't expect to be so lucky when Father's Day comes and goes without my "honoring" my NF. I'm prepared for some contact to be made - most likely a nasty phone call or email from NSM - chastising me for "hurting" my NF's feelings, etc. I'm hoping that I'm wrong though and that, with luck, that day too will pass without incident.

Hope you're all doing well and I promise to try and post something soon!