I keep going back and forth on this but I keep coming back to feeling a desire to contact NM again. To be clear, I am NOT thinking of completely undoing all of NC but having more extreme LC. Basically, I've been considering having a strictly email/letter relationship for now and see how things go. I feel I'm at a place where I could handle that much and maintain my individuality as well as enforce my boundaries with her. The thing is, every time I get to where I think I've decided I'm going to do it, I can't help but remember all the things NM has done to me over the years, most specifically since going NC with her. The lies, the smear campaigns, trying to turn my own family against me - and succeeding on that front to a good measure - telling people how I'M a liar, a thief and how she believes I have mental problems and, thus, should be avoided by everyone. At that point, I just can't bring myself to go through with it which, while probably a good thing, just makes me so sad inside and makes me feel frustrated at the hopelessness of the situation.
This isn't some friend we're talking about here, it's my mother and, damn it, I ought to be able to have a positive relationship with the woman. I ought to be able to call her up and tell her how ds is doing in school, how his teachers all say it looks like he may be advanced. I ought to be able to share my newly decorated house with her and be able to hear her say how much she likes it and/or how nice a job I've done with the place. I ought to be able to count on her for support when I find out my SIL is very sick in the hospital and may not make it. All these things and more so many others have with their mothers and take for granted and here I sit, willing to give just about anything for just a single day like that with my own mom. It's so damned unfair.
I sit here and I think to myself, "Is this really it? Was January the 9th of 2010 really the last time I'll ever see or speak to my mother? Will I ever get to hear her voice or hug her again? Or will the next time I see her be her obituary picture in the local newspaper?" Honestly, the thought of never again seeing her or speaking to her, of never going "antiquing" together or hugging her again is almost too much to bear. Despite everything - despite the smear campaigns, the lies, the abuse, not being there for me, etc. - despite it all, I still love her dearly. She may be sick, she may be unable to be the kind of person I so long for her to be in my life but, despite it all, she's still my mother. The woman who carried me in her womb, who gave birth to me, who - at one time - I believe did love me the way a mother should, who fought my NF time and again to protect me from his and NSM's horrible influence, the woman who I used to have occasional good times with.....the woman I literally ache inside, I miss her so much.
I've spoken to my therapist about this whole thing, my feelings about wanting to contact NM but not being sure I can ever go back and she seems to think that the time will come, after I've healed a bit more, when she thinks I will be able to handle having NM back in my life again. It's a lovely thought and one I hold on to.....and yet, again that whisper in the back of my head that lists over and over all the hurtful things she's said and done.