Wednesday, June 25, 2014
This is what NSM had posted on her Facebook wall the day after Father's Day. (For the record, I didn't go looking for it. I only saw it because DH left his account logged in after using it last and it popped up when I sat down at the computer.) I'm sure this was posted in response to my "crime" of not acknowledging my NF on his holiday. Would love nothing more than to say I saw it, rolled my eyes and went on my merry way. Sadly however, if I'm to be totally honest, it still hurts. All I've ever done is love them and want to be loved and accepted by them in return. Instead I've been shit on, mistreated, abused, manipulated, lied to and abandoned more times than I care to count.
I've been thinking a lot about this whole situation for a few days now and I realize that I need some kind of closure on everything with my NSM and NF. Sounds easy enough, right? Problem is that I'm not sure how to go about that. Talking to them doesn't work. Neither does writing a letter or email. They just deny, re-write history, lie or whatever else it takes to make themselves right and me wrong. Going full NC for three years did nothing. They just picked up where they left off. Talking about it ad nauseum in therapy or with trusted friends/relatives hasn't worked. It just keeps coming back up to bite me in the ass. So then what? How do I get past the pain, the anger, the frustration and let it go and move on with my life?
And what of the painful irony of NSM's post? Do these people even read these things before re-posting them? Why is it that I am in the wrong - never mind the fact that I've never walked away from them, it's always been their choice to walk out on me - for THEIR decision to walk out of my life and abandon me time and again? And why are their reasons or excuses any more valid than mine? Furthermore, why is it so difficult for them to want to be a part of my life? Why don't they care about me? And WHY, for the love of God, does it have to hurt so much?
My birthday will be coming up in ten days, which will also be the one year mark since my dad last made an attempt to contact me. Another birthday to dread because I know it will bring up all that negativity. Why must N's ruin everything with their nastiness and negativity? I can't even enjoy my own birthday anymore.