Hey (NMIL's name),
Am writing to you as there is something I would like to discuss with you. There have been several instances now where you've seemingly gone over my head or behind my back where making plans are concerned. I don't even know if you're aware of what you're doing but it feels like you are deliberately going out of your way to avoid having to speak to me. I want to believe it's unintentional and you don't mean anything by your actions but it's difficult when I know dh has told you himself on at least two occasions to speak to me yet you've continued to go through him.
Have I done something to anger or upset you in some way? I can't recall anything specific but maybe you were offended by something I said or did? If so, I apologize. I care very much for you and hope you know that I would never want to hurt or offend you. Hopefully, if there is something, we can talk about it and work it out.
Love you and hope to hear from you soon.
I sent the email around noon yesterday and, at the time I started writing this post, I still hadn't heard from NMIL. Around 9:33am, I was checking my email and up popped an email from her. It reads:
I suppose I should have expected as much. No way would NMIL be so careless as to email me back with what she REALLY thinks and feels, thereby giving me proof that I could then turn around and show dh. No, better to keep it so that it's only my word against hers since she believes dh will always side with HER. Sadly, the truth is, I think NMIL may be right about that.
Last night, after telling dh about the email I'd sent to NMIL - I figured he'd find out about it sooner or later and I'd rather he heard it from ME first before his NM potentially added her spin to it - he was VERY upset with me. Apparently I should have checked with him first and discussed it with him. By not doing so, I've put him in the middle and "disrespected him" and basically told him "Fuck you" and implied that he's a pussy ass momma's boy who can't handle his mommy. While there is some truth to that - sorry, but it's just reality - my intention was never to disrespect my dh in any way. I was simply trying to handle things myself and put an end to NMIL's treatment of me since the few (heavily sugar-coated) times dh has talked with his NM haven't done shit.
Despite my good intentions however, apparently I'm still in the wrong. Truly, no matter what I seem to do, it's a lose/lose/lose situation for me. If I leave it to dh and trust him to handle it, it doesn't get handled and I'm stuck being disrespected by his NM as well as having dh mad at me for "putting him in the middle" and pushing him to confront his mom. If I handle it myself, dh is angry with me for disrespecting him and taking matters into my own hands. If I give up and concede to NMIL and just let her win, then dh and NMIL are happy but I'm left to live out my life feeling miserable as well as having my resentment toward dh build until it really begins to cause problems in our marriage.
In addition to telling me I'd disrespected and emasculated him, he also totally invalidated my feelings, thoughts and experiences regarding what's been going on with his NM. He told me that a few times of her going behind my back or over my head does NOT constitute as her "disrespecting" me or "treating me like shit" and that I'm once again making a huge deal out of a small thing. In other words, I'm too sensitive and over-reacting. And so, what I've long suspected regarding dh's view of things - that he truly doesn't get it - has been 100% confirmed. Way to make me feel supported dh, thanks a bunch.
It's becoming clearer and clearer that, despite dh's fierce protests, his mommy (and the rest of his FOO) will always come first. Truly, I'm left feeling very defeated and hopeless. I can either continue fighting for myself which will result in dh getting angry with me and causing repeated fights between us (and potentially ruin our marriage) OR I can give up and just be miserable until NMIL finally dies.
This sucks. :o(