Thursday, October 4, 2012

The NMIL saga (cont'd.)...

So, after much thought, I had decided to handle things myself with NMIL. Because I feared she might try to lie and claim I'd been mean to her if I called her on the phone to talk with her, I decided to go the email route so I'd have proof that I'd been civil and respectful. Here's the email I sent her:

Hey (NMIL's name),

Am writing to you as there is something I would like to discuss with you. There have been several instances now where you've seemingly gone over my head or behind my back where making plans are concerned. I don't even know if you're aware of what you're doing but it feels like you are deliberately going out of your way to avoid having to speak to me. I want to believe it's unintentional and you don't mean anything by your actions but it's difficult when I know dh has told you himself on at least two occasions to speak to me yet you've continued to go through him.

Have I done something to anger or upset you in some way? I can't recall anything specific but maybe you were offended by something I said or did? If so, I apologize. I care very much for you and hope you know that I would never want to hurt or offend you. Hopefully, if there is something, we can talk about it and work it out.

Love you and hope to hear from you soon.


I sent the email around noon yesterday and, at the time I started writing this post, I still hadn't heard from NMIL. Around 9:33am, I was checking my email and up popped an email from her. It reads:

I did not deliberated talk to [dh's name] first sorry if i offended you. He did tell me to check with you I am just use to talking to him and asking if he is interested in something..I know u keep up with your family schedule more than he does. In the further i will talk with u . I hope there are no hard feelings. thanks for bringing this to my attention, please feel like u can talk to me anytime. Love u!! Wasn"t sure this was from u I hesitated to open it sooner.

I suppose I should have expected as much. No way would NMIL be so careless as to email me back with what she REALLY thinks and feels, thereby giving me proof that I could then turn around and show dh. No, better to keep it so that it's only my word against hers since she believes dh will always side with HER. Sadly, the truth is, I think NMIL may be right about that.

Last night, after telling dh about the email I'd sent to NMIL - I figured he'd find out about it sooner or later and I'd rather he heard it from ME first before his NM potentially added her spin to it - he was VERY upset with me. Apparently I should have checked with him first and discussed it with him. By not doing so, I've put him in the middle and "disrespected him" and basically told him "Fuck you" and implied that he's a pussy ass momma's boy who can't handle his mommy. While there is some truth to that - sorry, but it's just reality - my intention was never to disrespect my dh in any way. I was simply trying to handle things myself and put an end to NMIL's treatment of me since the few (heavily sugar-coated) times dh has talked with his NM haven't done shit. 

Despite my good intentions however, apparently I'm still in the wrong. Truly, no matter what I seem to do, it's a lose/lose/lose situation for me. If I leave it to dh and trust him to handle it, it doesn't get handled and I'm stuck being disrespected by his NM as well as having dh mad at me for "putting him in the middle" and pushing him to confront his mom. If I handle it myself, dh is angry with me for disrespecting him and taking matters into my own hands. If I give up and concede to NMIL and just let her win, then dh and NMIL are happy but I'm left to live out my life feeling miserable as well as having my resentment toward dh build until it really begins to cause problems in our marriage.

In addition to telling me I'd disrespected and emasculated him, he also totally invalidated my feelings, thoughts and experiences regarding what's been going on with his NM. He told me that a few times of her going behind my back or over my head does NOT constitute as her "disrespecting" me or "treating me like shit" and that I'm once again making a huge deal out of a small thing. In other words, I'm too sensitive and over-reacting. And so, what I've long suspected regarding dh's view of things - that he truly doesn't get it - has been 100% confirmed. Way to make me feel supported dh, thanks a bunch.

It's becoming clearer and clearer that, despite dh's fierce protests, his mommy (and the rest of his FOO) will always come first. Truly, I'm left feeling very defeated and hopeless. I can either continue fighting for myself which will result in dh getting angry with me and causing repeated fights between us (and potentially ruin our marriage) OR I can give up and just be miserable until NMIL finally dies.

This sucks. :o(

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

NMIL just called a bit ago....

She called to tell DS good night. At the end, she asked to speak to dh and insisted on speaking to him despite the fact that he was in the shower and had said he'd call her back. What was so important? She wanted to tell him the times of the picnic this coming Saturday. So despite the fact that I was standing right there and it would have been much easier and made far more sense for her to speak to me - especially given that dh had just told her (AGAIN) last night to go through me - she chose to once again go over my head and speak with dh. But "it's not intentional". Yeah. Right. 

NMIL's at it again...

NMIL called last night, like she does EVERY night, to say good night to DS. When she was done, she asked if dh was home. DS said he was and NMIL asked to speak to him. Dh had the phone on speaker so I heard what was said. NMIL told dh that the grocery store chain that NBIL and NSIL work for was once again having their yearly fair and she wanted to know if dh and DS wanted to go. My dh, who had told me the last time this issue came up that he would "handle it" - he didn't - just stood there and said, "Oh! That sounds great!". I nudged him and then mouthed to him "She's supposed to go through ME, remember?!". Had I not been there and/or said anything, I've little doubt that dh would have said/done NOTHING. Yet he has the gall to get mad at me because I don't trust him to handle it. 

Dh back-tracked and told NMIL that she'd have to talk to me and so she reluctantly asked to speak to me. When I told her we had plans between 3 and 5pm that day, she said she'd have to check with NSIL to see what their schedule was, what time they wanted to leave, what time they planned to come back home, etc. Clearly what is convenient for US and OUR family doesn't even register. It's all about what NBIL and NSIL want.

So now I clearly have to talk with dh and I'm dreading it because I know it's going to wind up in us having yet another argument with him claiming to have my back all the while he's taking his family's side and trying to discourage me from "making a big deal out of nothing". My plan is to tell dh that I am no longer willing to be disrespected by his mother and that since he has shown that he cannot or will not handle it as promised, he's left me no other option but to either sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect me or to take a stand and handle it myself. I also plan to tell him that I strongly resent being put into yet another lose/lose situation by him by way of either being unhappy and disrespected by his mom or fighting with him and having him angry at me for daring to stand up and refuse to continue to allow the mistreatment.

I just wish I knew what it would take for dh to see their bad behavior for what it is and DO something about it. He talks a big game, says he has no problem confronting his family and standing up to them yet at every turn, he seems to find any excuse he can not to have to upset them in any way, even if it means repeatedly throwing me and our marriage under the bus.

In so many ways, my dh is a wonderful man. He's an amazing father, a great provider and he's stuck by my side through things that likely would have made most other men walk. In just about any circumstance, I trust in my heart 100% that I can count on him to be there for me and have my back. But when it comes to his family - especially his mother - I feel like a complete afterthought. If it means taking a stand and simply asking for respect for me/us, forget it. Dh will make up an excuse if need be rather than stand up to them.

I'm just so sick of this situation.