Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas! 


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Well, it finally arrived....

The dreaded Christmas package from NM for ds. I was sitting on my living room sofa on Monday afternoon when I heard a "Plop!" on the front porch of a package. I knew immediately that it would be from NM. I had hoped that since it was so close to Christmas with no word from her by that point that it meant NM had finally given up. No such luck. Damn.

I brought it inside and tried to decide what to do. Return to sender? Throw it in the trash? I was going to go the "return to sender" route at first but thought it would likely only cause unwanted drama with NM. More to the point, it would give her more ammo to further her victim status and I'll be damned if I'm going to help her with that. Then I moved onto contemplating just tossing it away. I asked dh what he thought and he actually brought up a really good point.

Back when I was much younger, apparently my dad and half bro sent a few things over the years, completely unbeknownst to me. I guess my NM and NHS had intercepted the items and gotten rid of them without telling me and then lied to me whenever I'd ask if there was anything for me from my dad, etc. I didn't find this out until years later and it resulted in much hurt, anger and resentment toward my NM. Dh said that if we didn't give the items to ds and he later found out NM had been sending stuff - and you KNOW NM would love only too much to be the bearer of that news - it could cause him to resent us later on and, worse still, to doubt our word and make NM's word more credible. Definitely NOT what we want.

So, after discussing the matter, dh and I decided that we'd pre-screen any packages that come and pass along what we deem okay to ds.

Considering the crap NM sends, she's certainly not going to endear herself to ds anytime soon. This year's Xmas gift consisted of two cheap plastic "Ben 10" action figures and a Pez candy dispenser from some show that I've never ever heard of. Attached was a cheap Xmas card that read simply, "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma XXXX".

While simply having to touch the items made my skin crawl (literally), it also made me rather sad because it made it clear that NM doesn't know ds at all. If she cared to know him at all, she'd know he isn't really into action figures and doesn't even like "Ben 10". He's far more into creative things, things he can build or use his imagination with. Things like arts and crafts, musical instruments, Play-Doh play kits, Legos, those type of things. When I mentioned this to dh, he said,"Well to be fair, she hasn't spoken to us or seen ds in almost a year now." I said, "So? My half sister, L, has never met ds yet she seems to send appropriate gifts all the time for him. Same goes for my dad and SM who also send stuff he likes. The fact is that NM doesn't care and has NO idea what makes kids tick whatsoever and doesn't CARE to know either."

As of right now, NM's "gift" is under the tree. I've been tempted a couple times to just grab it and toss it into the trash but then I think of what dh said and I know he makes a good point and so I put the gift back under the tree. At any rate, like dh said, when ds opens NM's crappy gift, he's going to care about it as much as he would a pair of socks. (Especially considering some of the other gifts he'll be getting this year, like a Nintendo DS he's been asking for forever.)

And some day, when we run into NM and she asks ds, "Has your mom been giving you the gifts I've been sending all these years?", he can say, "Yes." and it will be the truth. And then he can (hopefully) tell her that if she wants to be a part of his life, she should have been around all those years and been willing to suck it up and come visit him at our house instead of walking away since she couldn't have everything the way SHE wanted.

One thing's for sure, ds is a very smart little guy, even at the young age of (nearly) 5 years old. If NM thinks she's going to put one over on him and turn him against me with her twisted version of the truth someday, she's got another thing coming. ;)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Had an interesting dream the other night...

It was one of those 'I'm back "home" with NM, NSJ and NHS' type of things only this time, for whatever reason, we were at my IL's house. I was in the kitchen looking at stuff on my laptop and NSJ came over and was bugging me. He was taunting me and being his usual verbally abusive asshat self and I kept talking back to him. For example, at one point he said, "Who do you think you're talking to?" and I responded, "I'm talking to YOU!" Getting more enraged by the moment, NSJ started to "tickling" me by jabbing me hard in the ribs, the intention being to cause pain obviously, as he continued to verbally assault me. I told him to stop a couple of times to no avail and then suddenly, having had enough, I said loudly, "I said STOP IT!!!" and as I did this, I turned and shoved both my arms out in front of me as hard as I could and knocked NSJ down. I seem to remember this shocked look coming across NSJ's face as he fell back on his fat behind but it was at this point that my ds came in and woke me up, thus ending my dream.

The differences in this dream compared to previous ones about the same subject are a) that I stood up for myself much more strongly than I ever have before, dream-wise or in reality and b) that I didn't wake up from this dream feeling negative and sick to my stomach. There was none of that this time, only a sense of "YES! I stood up and protected myself!".

Not sure if this dream symbolized anything. It's possible that my IL's house represented my new "home" that I'm building for myself as I continue to heal and refuse to tolerate anymore of their abuse. And I think the rest of the dream is pretty self explanatory - I've taken a stand to protect myself by going NC with all of them which was a big deal, just as it was a big deal in the dream to shove NSJ down and tell him firmly to leave me alone and stop abusing me. Then again, it's possible it meant nothing and was just another dream!

Hope you're all doing well!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Holy freaking heck!

Just had an awful realization..........when it comes to my dad and NSM, I'M THE GOLDEN CHILD!! ACK! Talk about an awful thing to be. About the only thing worse I can think of is being the scapegoat!

I realized this as I was talking to my HS (the good one) the other day. She was telling me that NSM was once again berating her for another "wrong" she and HB had supposedly committed. This time it was that neither of them had called the GM's over Thanksgiving. NSM pulled the "This could be their last Thanksgiving!" card. *eyeroll* I thought to myself, 'Well I didn't call the GM's either yet I didn't get reamed out by NSM.'

Then I remembered a couple days previous when I was talking with NSM on the phone. She was - again - complaining about HS and HB. This time it was their "crime" of "living in sin" with their chosen partners. Both NSM (and my dad according to NSM) are pissed off. When I felt NSM was pushing for me to agree with her, I said instead, "Well I can't really comment seeing as dh and I lived together for a few years before getting married." NSM's response was to say, "Well, that's okay. It's totally different because of the abusive household you had to grow up in. I could understand why you'd want to get out as soon as you could but that's not the situation with HS and HB at all." And that isn't the first time exceptions have been made for me either.

I am now more glad than ever that I didn't grow up in that household from a very young age. I shudder to imagine the negative impact growing up as the GC might have had on me. *shiver*

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Update on talking with GM yesterday...

Well, had a bit of back and forth conversation with my GM yesterday after her initial email and it seemed to go well. She said she was sorry for what I'd had to go through and admitted that my NM wasn't a good mom and that NSJ was, in fact, abusive. She also said she was glad I seemed happy now and that I deserved to be happy.

My only concern now is that anything I say to her is being/will be reported back to my NM. I emailed my aunt N with my concerns and she basically confirmed my worries by saying that I was correct, much of what I say to GM WILL likely be reported back to NM. Aunt N said that she can get GM on the same page and then NM will call and as soon as GM is on the phone with her, suddenly she switches allegiances and immediately sets to agreeing with NM and supporting/enabling her.

So now I'm kind of torn - I'd like to be able to have some kind of relationship with my GM but I do NOT want NM getting any specific info from her. General comments like, "Oh DA is doing well." or "DGS is doing well in school." are fine but I don't think NM has the right anymore to know anything beyond that nor do I care for her to know anything more than that. An easy way to fix this, I suppose, would be to just not give GM any specifics but what kind of relationship is it when the only things you can talk about are the news and weather and not get into any news about what's going on in your life? And what about pictures? As far as I'm concerned right now, sending pictures to GM is out of the question as they'd likely just be forwarded along to NM (if they were sent via email) and, again, NM LOST that right to see pics of ds or know anything about us when she decided to allow me to walk out of her life without protest and then set about smearing me to anyone who would give her the time of day.

It has also occurred to me that this might be a fishing expedition. Admittedly, it has crossed my mind that it was awfully coincidental that this email from GM just happened to appear in my inbox not even a day after NM's little "message" was given to me by the chiropractor. My guess is that NM was wondering if I got her message and so pushed GM for info. Since I haven't spoken to GM in months however, GM probably figured she'd have to reach out to me since I clearly wasn't doing anymore reaching out to her and thus the email in my inbox yesterday. So far, all GM got was me stating that NM would remain out of my life and the reasons why which is nothing NM doesn't already know. But any future emails would likely be about stuff going on in our lives and that is the stuff NM would be fishing for. GM also asked for pics of ds. Now it could be she just wants to see pics of her great grandson but it could also be that she wants them to show to NM.

What do you all think? Should I continue to talk to GM but just keep to very general info, stuff I don't care if NM finds out? Or should I maybe just tell GM flat out that I don't want info being passed on to NM and/or maybe even go a step further and let her know that if I find out info has been passed on that she will find herself not getting anymore info as well?

Honestly, it's nice to be talking to my FOO again in some capacity but, if I'm honest, I have to say it was a lot simpler when they weren't speaking to me. Yes, I now have communication with them again, or at least with my GM, but I also have the N drama again. I'd thought - quite foolishly it now appears - that it was possible to have a relationship with them without it being contaminated by NM and her crap but I'm quickly realizing that's not going to be possible, is it?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Email from GM earlier today...

Logged on to check my email earlier and found this in my inbox from GM:

Good Morning DA, Where in blue blazes are you? have you left town or have you disowned me? I've waited and waited but haven't heard a word. I'd really love to hear from you. I think a lot about you and would like to hear how ds is doing. Soooo, if you feel like it drop me a couple of lines. Love you

Now, as I've stated before, I've been here the entire time. I haven't gone anywhere, my address and phone number and email address are all still the same at they were 11 months ago. If anyone wanted to contact me, they know how to find me.

I find it funny that she would accuse me of disowning her when I'm the one that's been sending emails and cards and getting no response. I'm also the one who received no birthday card this year from her for the first time in my life. So accusing me of disowning them is projection to be sure as it is all of them who have disowned me.

At any rate, I decided to respond and lay it all out there. This is my response:


Silly grandma, I'm right here where I've always been! And no, I haven't disowned anyone. Rather, it feels like it's everyone else who has disowned me. I've tried emailing several people but no one ever responds anymore so I took the hint and quit trying.

Yes, I realize that I unfriended everyone on Facebook and, looking back, perhaps I should have explained myself at that time. But, then, hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it? At any rate, to sum it up in as short a way as I can, it was a very bad time for me given that I'd just lost mom from my life. I thought, perhaps foolishly, that my relationship with mom would have no bearing on my relationships with all of you. Yes, I figured some would disagree with my decision and/or not understand my reasons but I never expected to be ostracized the way I have. And then the passive-aggressive comments on Facebook started, comments about the importance of family and forgiveness, etc. Since I'm obviously not stupid, it was clear they were directed at me given what was going on with mom and I and it hurt and upset me a great deal. It felt like when I needed my family's support the most, it wasn't there. And the way I deal with the pain of rejection is to withdraw which was why I unfriended everyone. It's something I'm working on finding healthier ways to cope. Basically, at that time, I was just so raw emotionally and so tired of being hurt and rejected that I just couldn't take anything more.

Since then however, I did try emailing many of you and/or sent out e-cards for birthdays and whatnot and all of them went unanswered. Then you asked for the gown back and I took that to mean that I wasn't family anymore which was also very hurtful to me. So, not being a glutton for punishment, I stopped trying to contact anyone (with the sole exception of aunt N) and focused on rebuilding my own life and healing from my past pain. It's taken much hard work and a lot of time but, as I'm sure you've heard from aunt N, I've come a very long way and have made much progress. For the first time in my life, I feel truly happy and blessed to be alive. I'm actually LIVING life instead of just existing day to day. Of course it pains me greatly that all this has come about due to the loss of mom from my life but what more can I do?

I truly did try so so hard to make things work with mom. I talked till I was blue in the face, I wrote letters and emails in which I poured my very soul out to her, desperately trying to be good enough for her and make things work between us...I even took her into therapy with me on my dime as insurance wouldn't cover her going with me. However, dh and I felt it was worth it and necessary so we agreed to take on that debt. Over 8 years I tried anything and everything I knew to do and then some but nothing I did was ever enough. Always it is me, me, me who has all the problems, who is flawed and needs to change or make amends while mom, N stepjerk and NHS are without fault. Nothing about me is or has ever been good enough for mom, NSJ and NHS. Not saying I'm perfect by any means. Lord knows I've made my fair share of mistakes and have regrets but I'm NOT the horrible, awful, lying, stealing, "severely mentally disturbed" person that they make me out to be.

At any rate, enough about that. I don't want to badmouth anyone. I love mom and will always love her and I wish her well but I simply cannot allow her (and NSJ and NHS's) toxicity to affect my life anymore. I was constantly stressed, tired, cranky and feeling ill when I was around them. They were always hurting me and so I'd withdraw and that would make me angry that I couldn't speak up for myself more and that they continued to treat me the way they did. And because I was cranky and tired and angry and hurting, I was less patient and that overflowed onto dh and ds who did not deserve it. In the past 11 months, I have improved considerably emotionally as well as physically and my relationships with dh and ds more than I ever could have imagined. Dh and I, it's like we've fallen in love all over again. And ds, ds has blossomed beyond my wildest imaginations. He's a happy, healthy 4 1/2 year old and he absolutely LOVES his preschool. His teachers say he's doing VERY well and is easily one of their favorite students, if not their most favorite. Best of all though is that ds' relationship with me has improved. I'm a better mother now that all that stress is gone from my life and, in turn, ds is free to be a happy little boy.

All that being said, I'm very happy to hear from you and I hope we can continue to chat via email like we used to. I've missed talking with you and everyone else. I'd very much like to have a good relationship with all of you and leave my issues with mom out of it. After all, that stuff is between mom and I and you all shouldn't have been brought into it anyhow. I mean, I'm glad you all have been there to support mom and all as I think mom needs that. I have my friends and my sister L and dh's family for support. All mom has is NSJ and NHS who are about as helpful as a raging case of herpes. All the same, I feel bad that so many of you have been dragged into it by her and put in the middle.

Anyhoo, we recently got some school pics of ds. I have some set aside to send to you, I've just been lazy about getting all of them sent out to everyone. I'll try to get them out soon. If I can find them.....

Oh, before I go, how are you feeling? Is your knee doing a lot better? I hope so. A painful knee is just awful. A while back, I kept getting fluid under my kneecap and boy did it ever hurt!

Take care and I hope to hear from you again soon.



Knowing my N FOO the way I do, I'm sure this email response has already begun circulating amongst all of them. It may even make it's way back to NM. I wasn't thinking about that when I sent it and now regret slightly that I responded in one regard but, in another, I'm glad I stayed true to myself and spoke my truth. Let them do with it what they will.

How to detect a smear campaign...

Happened upon this AMAZING post on the DoNM board today, written by Light and just had to share! Light writes:
There are a few handy ways to help detect a smear campaign:

1. Look for personal admittance of responsibilities or personal acknowledgment of any mistakes. Is the person only claiming to be a victim, or do they admit they may have done something to contribute to the matter?

2. Look for solid details. Does it contain hearsay such as, "Somebody told me"? and "Another person I know said that she did such and such to someone." Where is this person, and just exactly why can't you know who they are? Why isn't he telling you this himself?

3. Is the person at all trying to resolve the matter, with a genuine wanting to get things squared away, or is it just, "Victimhood, victimhood, victimhood," all the way home, and they won't be making any attempts to resolve because they're enjoying building up the dramatic attention?

4. Do things seem out of proportion? Maybe a tiny thing happened, and they're too angry. Or they say there were repeated wrongs, and yet, it doesn't appear they ever spoke to their boss, the police, etc. Supposedly, they just kept letting themselves be victimized over and over. But if you ask why, they'll say something self-serving, of course - they were trying to give the "abuser" lots of chances, because they're such a meek, kind soul...

In regard to my own NM, my answers would be:
1.  No. There has been ZERO personal acknowledgement of any mistakes or wrongdoing. In fact, my NM went so far as to state flat out that she bears NO responsibility whatsoever and that the only thing she's ever done wrong is allowing me to abuse and disrespect her! Since I went NC with her last January, it's been a steady stream of "woe is me" sob stories and claiming to have "no idea whatsoever" as to what she might have done to warrant my cutting her off and being so cruel to her. There is a total and complete denial of any wrongdoing at all.
2.  One of NM's favorite phrases is, "So and so says..." in regards to whatever wrong it is she's claiming I did. NHS is one of her favorite people to mention but since I've been NC with NHS for almost 2 years now, it's not like anything NM says can be verified. NM has also mentioned some "lady" at the local grocery check out, another "lady" at the doctor's office and my chiropractor as supposedly being in total agreement with NM's assessment of my character.
3.  As I said above in answer #1, NM has cried victim from the word 'go'. Not once in the past 11 months has she attempted to contact me in any way, including on my birthday which came and went without her acknowledgment. Of course, to hear NM tell it, I'M the one staying away from her and who is "keeping my ds from her". Funny, but I have yet to say to NM "Do not contact me. I wish nothing more to do with you." At NO point have I told her she can't see ds or have contact with him or any of us. In fact, at our last meeting in January, dh and I both told NM she could see ds as often as she wanted only she had to see him here at the house instead of taking him out by herself as she kept pressing for. Her response was, "You know what? I don't WANT to have to come here to see him and I shouldn't have to! I should be able to take him out WHERE I want, WHEN I want to!" SHE is the one who has chosen not to try and mend things between us and who hasn't reached out to me and my family, yet I'M supposedly the bad guy, the one wronging HER.
4.  Oh yeah, things are waaaaaaaaaaaay out of proportion with NM. A perfect example - it was recently brought to my attention that one of the main claims of NM and NHS is that I "lie" and "steal" as well as having "major mental problems". The truth? When pressed, NM says that I supposedly lied a lot as a teenager. (I'm now 34 years old for the record.) The stealing? Apparently I was always taking cookies and other food items out of her kitchen pantry. As to the mental problems, I do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks but, ironically, both have decreased dramatically since going NC with NM. Moreover however, I hardly think that anxiety and panic attacks qualifies as my having "major mental problems".
NM, NHS and N stepjerk all claim I "destroyed their lives" (LOL As I typed this just now, I wrote "destroyed their LIES". Freudian slip anyone?) Talk about being overly-dramatic. In truth, all I did...all I've EVER done is to bend over backward to accommodate them in the hopes that I would finally be good enough and worthy of their love and approval. Of course, if they're talking about the fact that I quit being their scapegoat, considering they all have decades invested in me as their scapegoat, I suppose my sudden refusal to continue performing my assigned task could be construed (at least from their dysfunctional perspective) as my having "destroyed their lives".
I hope you will follow the link and read the rest of the article by Light. I promise you won't be disappointed! It's very good stuff indeed!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

OMG!! Seriously??!!

Called up my chiropractor's office earlier today to ask them to fax a document over to my dh's office so that he could send it in to get reimbursed our out-of-pocket expenses. Just as I'm getting ready to say goodbye and hang up, the girl says to me, "Oh. By the way (NM's name) says to say hello."

It was one of those almost surreal moments. The kind of moment you see in a movie where a person receives an anonymous call where the other person on the end says, "You have only 7 days left to live" or something like that. It was very cryptic and it left me feeling gut-punched and violated. One second I'm going about my business and asking for a document to be faxed and then - BOOM! - the bomb drops and there's this weird message from NM being delivered.

I paused, shocked, for a second and replied, "Wait. What? She actually told you specifically to say hello to me?", to which the girl replied, "Yes."

WTFH??! I didn't know whether to laugh hysterically at the absurdity of the situation or scream in anger at the sheer violation of it all. How DARE that bitch bring my doctor and his staff into this! How dare she!!!

I scoffed, thanked the girl for delivering the "message" - because, truly, she thought she was just being nice and doing her job, she has no idea the depths of NM's dysfunction - and then hung up.

Not so much as a single word from NM in nearly a year now. It will officially be 11 months of NC as of the 9th of December. No phone calls, no emails, no letters, no gifts or cards (save for a couple for ds) including nothing on my birthday this past summer and then now this cryptic "message" via my chiropractor. 

What the hell is this bitch trying to pull? Was it intended to let me know she won't be forgotten? Is she planning some larger contact soon to follow up? Or was it more of a cryptic message that she will not be so easily gotten rid of by me? Whatever the case, if she thinks it's going to cause me to "come to my senses" and come running back to her, she's even crazier than I think she is. This is precisely the reason I walked away in the first place, these sick, dysfunctional games she's always playing. It's also the reason why I'll be staying away for good.

Anyways, after feeling upset by this for about an hour, I finally decided to nip it in the bud. I called up and casually left a message for my chiro to call me back at his convenience. Being that I've been seeing him for so long - about 17+ years at this point, off and on but mostly on - he's more of a family friend than just a doctor. I feel comfortable talking to him so he knows the deal with NM, why I went NC and so on. Hence, I didn't feel wrong in addressing the issue with him. I kept it casual, told him I just wanted to bring it to his attention so he could handle it as he saw fit. Mainly I said I just wanted to ensure it didn't happen again and that this particular avenue was shut off to NM. As expected, Dr. L was happy I'd felt I could call and talk with him about this and assured me he'd handle it and there would be no more "messages" passed along. He went on to say that he was doubly glad I'd called because this was actually a violation of patient confidentiality and there shouldn't be any passing along of messages anyway. Then he asked if I was okay. I told him I would be fine, that it had just caught me off guard and he said that I'd made such great progress since going NC and he'd hate it if I allowed this to derail that. I assured him it would not and we said goodbye and hung up after he again reassured me he would handle it immediately.

In all, I'm glad I went through with calling, especially since it turned out to also be an issue with the patient confidentiality thing. At least now I can be sure that this avenue has also been cut off to NM and there won't be any future "messages" from her. Still, the fact that she would have the nerve to involve my doctor just galls me to no end. How DARE she! But, then, N's know no boundaries, do they?

Needless to say, I'm now positive that the coming Christmas holiday will not pass without incident. At the very least, there will be a present for ds mailed to the house. Here's to hoping that's ALL it turns out to be.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

We had a lovely day at my inlaws and, thankfully, no appearances from NM, which was a pleasant surprise. So nice to have a quiet, relaxing holiday with no narcissistic drama!

Hope all of you are having your own lovely Thanksgiving holiday free from NM drama!


DA xx

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Today is NM's birthday...

Her 59th birthday to be exact.

Kind of strange how time changes things. This time last year, I was loathing the idea of going over to visit NM for her birthday and begrudging the fact that I had to go out and spend time finding the perfect gift when I knew it would somehow fall way short of her expectations and be labeled "not good enough" in the long run. This year, for the most part I feel nothing, just relaxed and happy. Today is another day, no different from any other, though there is a small part of me that is ever so slightly saddened (though saddened isn't quite the right word either) that I can't have a normal mother who I could celebrate occasions like this with.

When it's my MIL's birthday for example, it's fun to plan a dinner for her and spend time finding a small gift for her and then go over there and celebrate her special day with her. Sometimes, though admittedly less these days, I think about how it would be nice to be able to have that same relationship with my own mother. So I guess the sadness I feel isn't about missing the mother I have but, rather, about longing for what I've never had. It's getting easier though. I think that's because I've grieved the loss of what might have been and have now moved on to acceptance for the most part.

In a way, I'm kind of surprised there was no attempt at contacting me today. Then again, by continuing to act as if I no longer exist, I think NM feels she's getting back at me or somehow teaching me a lesson so it would make sense that she would maintain that. I'm sure there was much "woe is her" stuff over the phone and email today to extended FOO however. I can hear it now, "No. Still not a word from DA. She couldn't even bother to send me a card on my birthday. Me, her MOTHER! And after all I've done for her over the years too. Whatever did I do to deserve such a horrible, uncaring daughter as her?!! Oh WOE is ME!!!" LOL
Oh well. Perhaps NM should have thought of things like being alone on her birthday before she went and treated me so horribly.

Guess time will tell if I hear anything from the NM's flying monkeys, also known as my NFOO. Wonder if NGM will finally break her silence toward me to chastise me for being a wretched daughter? LOL I'm just glad I no longer have them on my Facebook. I can only imagine the status comments from all of them tomorrow. Sentiments about the blessings of motherhood and the importance of family, etc.

Am actually looking rather forward to Thanksgiving at my IL's in a couple days, though I'm a tiny bit worried NM might show up considering she lives about a mile or two down the road from my IL's. NHS and NBIL will be at NM's house and are sure to be all too happy to join in NM's badmouthing me. That, along with all the alcohol that's generally flowing with that crowd, could potentially give NM the extra push needed to make her pull a stunt like showing up at my IL's uninvited and looking to cause a scene. I'd say it's UNLIKELY but not totally outside the realm of probability.

Guess we'll have to wait and see...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

What do I want?

Had a bad day the other day. It was one of those days where thoughts of N FOO popped into my head and, no matter what I tried, just wouldn't bugger off. I was just standing there doing my dishes when I got to thinking about how my N FOO will all be together up in Ohio for the upcoming holiday and how, in the past, I've longed to be there too, to be "home for the holidays". I was thinking that, this year, I'd be happy to be amongst true family. People who love and support me unconditionally just for being me rather than what I can do for them. In turn, that got me thinking about how my N FOO have all turned on me and chosen to support my NM and her lies. That made me angry, mostly because it's all so horribly untrue. If I was the person NM, NHS and NSJ make me out to be, I could understand people not wanting anything to do with me and shunning me but I'm not that person. I'm a GOOD person who has always gone out of my way to make others happy and keep the peace and it's just so horribly unfair how I'm being treated.
At any rate, all this thinking about my N FOO got me to thinking what is it I want from all of them? It took a while but I realized that the answer is that I want someone to say to me, "What happened in that house?" I want them to want to know what went on. I want them to understand, to the extent that anyone can understand without having lived through it. I want them to listen, specifically to my side of the story. I just want to be heard. Validation would be divine but I could settle with just being allowed an opportunity to be heard. At that point, if everyone still chose to side with NM, so be it. But at least I'd have been given a chance to present my side of the story.

I so wish I could stop caring what other people think of me. It's certainly something I'm working on, but it's SO hard to stop feeling. Much harder than changing one's actions which was hard enough in itself. I think it's especially hard to stop caring about family when they are the one group of people above all others who are supposed to support you and care about you. Family is supposed to be the soft spot in the world that you can go to when you're feeling weak or down or in need of a lift. At least that's how I've always envisioned true family as being.

I'm lucky in that I've had at least one FOO member willing to hear me out but it's not enough for me. I want them all - or at least the majority of them - to seek out my story. Logically, I know this isn't going to happen and I need to find a way to let it go and move on but, emotionally, it's hard to accept that they don't care enough to want to know. It's hard to think that one's own family cares so little about them and I think that deep wounding is exactly what makes it so hard to let go.

I'm not going to stop trying though. I've come too far to give up now. But I fear that this will be one of the hardest steps in my healing process.

Wish me luck! I think I'm gonna need it! ;o)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

It's been rather quiet lately...

No more cards for ds from NM so far, though with Christmas just around the corner, I'm sure there's more to come. Don't know what I'll do if something comes. I'd previously given the items to ds (after carefully pre-screening everything of course) but, as I mentioned in my last post, I'm no longer sure that's how I want to handle these situations. 

According to my aunt N, NM is back in town which means the possibility of running into her around town is something I have to consider again. It was so nice having her out of state, hours away. My aunt N says that my NGM was working overtime on NM to try and get her to stay up there in Ohio and leave NSJ. Aunt N said that my NGM even yelled and cussed NSJ out at one point!!! (NGM is not one to swear - at least not out loud - so this was a pretty big deal.) Much to the extended NFOO's dismay however, NM returned back here. Naturally, I was also hoping NM would choose to stay up in Ohio but more because I feel that it would be good for her to have their support around her. Here where we live, the only "support" NM has is NHS and NSJ, both of whom are mentally ill/unstable wackjobs. I feel NM would have a snowball's chance in hell of at least not getting any worse if she remained up there. But back here, with only NSJ and NHS chirping in her ear, NM is going to continue to get worse. I may no longer want her in my life but I'm to a point where I don't wish her ill so this makes me very sad indeed.

NM's birthday is coming up in the next week or so. I'm not planning any contact but I'm slightly anxious that she may try to contact me somehow at that time. With luck, the day will pass quietly like any other. Unfortunately, I don't have as much hope for the upcoming Christmas holiday. If nothing else, a package/card for ds is sure to arrive on the doorstep courtesy of the US postal system. I need to figure out my plan now so I'm not left floundering when it happens.

On a side less than two months, it will have been a full year since I last spoke with my NM or saw her. I can't believe how fast the time has flown by or how much progress I've made in my healing process since last January. I find it kind of strange how little it matters to me anymore. That is to say, in the beginning of NC, I found myself counting the days and celebrating my "anniversary" each month - 1 month NC, 2 months NC, etc. At around 6 months, it stopped being quite so important and now, this past 10 month "anniversary", I didn't even realize the day had come until it was about two or three days after the fact. I find that I rarely think of NM these days unless someone mentions her, I'm posting here or reading posts over at the DoNM board. Strange how this woman who used to be nearly the full focus of my life now matters so very little.

I hope you are all doing well!


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Well, the momster broke NC again...

Got a card in the mail today addressed to ds from the momster. It was a Halloween card. The handwritten note on the inside reads: "(DS' name), Hey BigShot! Hope you have a super-duper Halloween! Love Grandma XX".

Seriously??! Not so much as a single solitary WORD from her since freaking APRIL and now a stupid Halloween card?! I tell you, it makes me SICK to my stomach. I SO want to write her (I won't) and say, "Who the f**k do you think you are kidding lady? The rest of the FOO might be stupid enough to buy the bullshit you're peddling but we are not! If you cared so freaking much, it wouldn't be more important to you to be RIGHT and get your way rather than getting to know your precious grandson and having a relationship with him. So take your fake sentimental shit and SHOVE it, fake ass bitch!"

CLEARLY this was done purely to impress the rest of N FOO as she's currently up in that state and has their captive audience. That said, I don't know which is worse - NM's act of pretending to care or the N FOO for being stupid enough to believe her crap.

So much for my hopes of an NM-free holiday season.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Some more correspondence from my aunt N...ya'll are going to love this!

Got this email from my aunt N today in response to another email I sent her a couple days ago. It reads:

Here's my take on what happened in your mom's sorry life. When she was married to (EF's name), he always came first, and she really bowed to his will and did whatever he wanted. Then they had you, and things got worse-he was adamant that she do things for you in a certain manner, etc, and she was a very nervous mom because of it. Well, the divorce happened, and she was alone with a baby to care for in NGM's house. She was devastated as anyone would be, and you became the center of her life. You became her reason for living, so to speak, and she eventually started dating, and due to her poor self esteem, she married NSJ. (He got lucky, and NM sold herself short) So, a few years later, NHS came along, and NSJ became a bigger asshole. You became a "problem" because not only did EF make their lives miserable, but they also had lawyer bills, etc, and that ALL got blamed on you. (like you had anything to do with it) So forward a few years, and you're a teen. You've been treated like crap all those years, and it's time to rebel. You did so, NSJ matured into a full blown alcoholic and abuser, and NM learned how to stick her head in the sand and avoid any unpleasantness. Once again, anything that happened, was laid at your feet because, after all, it all happened because you were born. (like you had anything to do with that either)

I honestly think that if I confronted NM today about NSJ, she would deny and elaborate and/or lessen what happened. She doesn't remember unpleasantness at all -- in fact she probably thinks you had it pretty good considering how horrible their lives were because of EF. (her version-I'm not necessarily agreeing here) What she does remember is how horrible you were--this has been retold over and over again--every time I take your side in things, I would get emails about how I need to be "very careful" because you were a liar, you stole things, and you had mental issues. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times we've gone over these things--you are a liar--yes, every single person lies--especially when they're young, but that was then, and this is now. You stole--yes, you might have years ago, but that was then and this is now. You have mental issues....well, haven't you gone to the doctor for years because of this? What have they done to help themselves???? I've told NM numerous times that I make my own decisions about people based on my gut feelings, my experiences with them, and the way they handle themselves when I confront them with things. I'm proud to say that you've grown in leaps and bounds in that respect, but sadly, NM catches herself in her own webs of denial and elaborations. She lives in her own world that she's made up in her own mind in order to deal with the mess her life is in. She knows that NSJ is an abuser, but has lied to herself for so long that she believes in her own lies. I won't even touch on NHS-that would take another page. NHS is angry with you and she vents that anger by defending NSJ as being a wonderful example of a father. She too, has talked herself into believing this because she is so used to avoiding the real truth, she doesn't know how to actually deal with the cold hard truth.

Krissy, you were not dealt a fair deal. You'll never be able to resolve or rationalize what happened because what happened should NOT have happened. There really is just no way to make it right. You've dealt with it in a mature manner and you've come out the other side of this a much different person. You are now a mom, determined to NOT make the same mistakes that were made with you as you were growing up. Your husband understands you and supports you. You have a good relationship with your ILs, and our relationship is growing. I know you want more--it's only natural and fair to expect the love of a parent. I know without a doubt that NM loves you, but not in a normal way. NM is very flawed, and I really doubt that that will ever change. Until NM admits that she has issues, and seeks out help for her problems, it's just not going to change. Sadly, she thinks everyone else has problems, but not herself. To be truthful, NM is not happy--she is still up in Cleveland, but even when we're all together, she doesn't act very happy. She lacks what it needs to make a change, and in all fairness, because she's chosen to stay with NSJ, things just won't change. He IS a large part of the problem, but it's not all his fault either. She needed to be strong enough to stand up for what she felt was right, etc. If she's not happy, she needs to figure out why, and pursue her own happiness. Each of us is responsible for our OWN happiness. No one person can make another person happy-long term. Yes, we can do things for each other to make someone's day, etc, but in order to be truly happy, it starts deep down within each of us. We need to feel fulfilled and satisfied in order to be happy. NM has poor relationships with both of you girls, and it makes her uneasy and unhappy. Once again, it all starts with being 100% truthful with each other, and she just doesn't have the ability to do that.

Have a wonderful day!!!!! I know that you'd like for things to be different, but we all have to look at the wonderful things that ARE in our lives and rejoice in them. When I moved here, I was so depressed bc my kids weren't here, and I'm finally getting to the point where I'm happy despite that. I've moved on in my life now, and I'm growing and enjoying this stage of my life. Now when grandbabies come, it'll be a different story--I'll be on the road a lot more I think. 

Love you,


I kept re-reading this when I first got it because I felt like it should upset me but it didn't. I mean, I find it rather irritating but that's it. At least in this one instance, gone is the hurt that would usually come upon reading/hearing something like this. I'm guessing this is a good thing? LOL

That being said, it IS irritating, mostly because it's all a bunch of CRAP. I'm a liar? As my aunt N said, we ALL lie at some point in our lives and I am certainly no different. But lying above and beyond the norm and deserving of the label of "liar"? NO. If anything, the majority of my lies were told so as not to upset NM anymore than I absolutely had to rather than tell her how I really felt about her and the rest of N FOO's crap.

And stealing? I think I stole a couple of cheap pieces of crap from a dime store once or twice, but N FOO wouldn't know about any of that because I was with friends the couple of times it happened. Not that it's right but I was young and stupid and, as I said, it was items that you'd find in the dime bin at the dollar store. NHS was always claiming I "stole" stuff from her father, NSJ. She claims I'd sneak over there when NM and NSJ were out of town and steal stuff. Whatever. There WERE times I took stuff but I'd either asked NM in advance or it was stuff I knew NM didn't want anymore and, even then, I immediately told her about it just in case and every time NM said it was no problem and I could have the item.

I suppose they have at least a bit of ground to stand on with regard to the mental issues thing but, a) like THEY don't all have their own (much more severe) issues themselves and b) perhaps I wouldn't HAVE so many "mental issues" had I not been forced to grow up in an abusive, chaotic household where I was criticized and demeaned relentlessly and always had to be on guard for one of NSJ's rages. Furthermore, as aunt N mentioned, I've done my work to heal from my mental issues which is a HELL of a lot more than I can say for any of them.

Being badmouthed to others is never a good thing but it's a bit easier to accept when you've actually DONE the things you've been accused of. If you've made a mistake or done something wrong, then you would have to suffer the consequences so to speak, KWIM? But to just have someone make up outright LIES about you just seems so much worse. And for what??? So that they can have their precious N supply?

On the upside, instead of feeling hurt, about all I felt (beyond minor irritation) was amusement. That's right, when I read the things N FOO's been saying - especially the warnings to my aunt N about me - I LAUGHED. I told aunt N as much when I responded to her and I almost hope she tells NM how funny I find their antics too. I can almost picture NM's seething disappointment to learn I no longer give a flying fig about what they say.

After I sent my aunt N a response to her email, this is what I got back from her:

Yeah, it's funny because you say the same things that NM says. She explained the "stealing" the same exact way you tell it-that NHS claims you took things from the pantry, etc. Whatever-it's a bunch of hogwash. My kids take things from this house all the time!!! It's an extension of their own home in my opinion and they're welcome to just about anything in here. I bake cookies to keep in the freezer so that when they visit they can take a taste of home with them. I'd give my kids anything in this house if they needed it, and there's plenty they can have even if they don't!! However, that's not even the point. All of that stuff happened YEARS ago. You cannot be judged for teen behavior forever. Lord knows I did a few things in my younger years. For instance. I used to "borrow" quarters from anyone's wallet in order to buy candy.....yes, I stole money from whoever's wallets were sitting around, and that was my spending money for the drug store. (I was probably 10) I only did it a couple of times, and you know what? I cured myself because the candy I bought just didn't taste very good because I stole the money to buy it. Then there was the time I went down to U of Dayton to visit my dh....I was supposed to stay with my girlfriend down there, but I stayed in the frat house with uncle B and 5 other men!! (I was petrified that my father would call or show up at the front door....I didn't sleep a wink-I was too scared) I could go on and on about the things I did as a teen, but guess what? It made me who I am today, and no one judges me for that stuff of yesteryear. So why are you judged for that stuff? You don't do anything like that today, and I have to tell you that both of my own daughters have had more than one sexual partner. I found out about things like this in a variety of ways and it's private stuff, but I'm telling you so that you know that you are not unusual nor are you "bad". Guess what? I love my daughters and don't think they're sluts because they aren't. Both of them were in relationships and thought themselves in love with the person they had relations with. Because of my open relationship with them, they came to me so that they could be responsible-shook me to my toes, but we handled it and it's history. I would no more bring that up to them now than I would tell their husband/boyfriend. It's just not relevant in their lives today. Oye! I get so irritated about this stuff. I shouldn't talk about it anymore and I won't !

By the way, just so you know, It's been decided that your mom is coming home next weekend. NSJ is afraid it will snow, so he wants to pick her up before the snow flies.

Love you,


So, basically, the deal is that my NM, NSJ and NHS claim I am a horrible, evil, dispicable person to the extent that people need to be in fear of their well-being and that of their families because I stole some cookies and whatnot out of NM's pantry on occasion??


BA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!! Seriously??!! You know, we couldn't make this crap up if we tried. It's that crazy!!

I tell you, I damn near peed myself I was laughing so hard last night as I read this latest email from aunt N. As I retold the story to dh, I literally had tears streaming down my face. Since then, dh and I have been teasing one another that I'm going to steal his cookies. LOL

The ironic thing is, I am not the sort of person to ever help myself to anyone's stuff in their house. If we're at a party and it's all laid out for everyone, that's one thing but to just go and visit someone and help myself to their fridge or cabinets/pantry? That's just not me. So when we'd go visit NM, I would always ask first, as would dh, and NM would always reply that it was fine, to help ourselves. Yet somehow that has now turned into my being a thief?

The biggest irony though is that NM used to come over my house and just help herself to whatever, be it food, drink or otherwise. The food and drink items I never minded but it did chap my behind when NM would help herself to other things. For example, NM once walked off with a new cd dh had bought. Didn't say anything to anyone, just stuck it in her purse as she left one day and then told me AFTER the fact over the phone that she had it and that, if dh wanted it back, he could come get it. She also walked off with my bellydance hip scarf that she'd been coveting for some time and a small chalkboard that I no longer used but that ds had taken a fancy to and used often. As of now, she still has both items and refuses to give them back.  (Fine by me. They aren't worth the problems that would come from contacting her to get them back!)

Those people - NM, NSJ and NHS - really are freaking NUTS!! Another good thing - I think it's finally starting to really sink in that I really am done with all of them. I love my NM and probably always will but I know now that she'll never, ever change and I can never have her in my life. Slowly, I'm becoming okay with that. 

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Sometimes I just get sick and tired of it all...

Yesterday on Facebook, my aunt N posted this as her status message:

I have carried a baby within my body. I have nourished and comforted a child on my chest. I have kissed booboos, wiped tears, been woken up in the middle of the night to a feverish child and more, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My body isn't magazine perfect, but when I look in the mirror, I see a Mom and there is NO greater honor. I Love and cherish my kids!!!

(Let me be clear here, as there was come confusion when I posted about this on the DoNM board, that this was not what I took issue with. That part is coming up.)

Because, as a proud mom myself, I wholeheartedly agreed with her sentiment, I posted "AMEN!!" as a response. Shortly after that, my NGM chimed in with: "You're so right N, having children is the most wonderful gift from God." THIS was the part that caused me to roll my eyes.

It's not that I was hurt exactly, it was more a feeling of, "Seriously? Again with the stupid P/A game playing?" *sigh* It was the feeling of being sick and tired of my N FOO never just coming out and saying what's on their mind but instead playing these little mind games all the time. And I actually probably wouldn't have thought anything of it at all had it not been posted after my response and/or had my NGM not made similar comments before that were later confirmed by others to be intended as P/A.

At this point, I'd almost rather just receive a nasty, scathing email from each of them and be done with it all. These constant P/A games are like trying to watch a movie and having a gnat keep flying into your field of vision or like having one of those itches that you can't scratch. Not painful but a major nuisance and irritating as all hell.

For the record, the problem has since been taken care of. I had already blocked a few of my N FOO members several months ago when I originally unfriended all of them on FB. However, several people had their settings set in such a way that only people on their friends list could search for them so when I tried to block them, I was unable to find them. Thankfully, someone on the DoNM board knew another way I could do it so I was able to block the remaining people yesterday. YAY! So now, I no longer have to worry about seeing their stupid comments and wonder "Did they mean that to be nasty or not?".

On a bit of a side note, I continue to be amazed at how far I've come in just a few months. Even as recently as July, I think something like the P/A jab on FB probably would have upset me quite a bit and I'd have continued hurting and chewing on it for at least a couple days. Instead, yesterday I merely rolled my eyes and thought, "Oh for pete's sake! Again?!" and set about finding a way to take care of the problem.

It'll be interesting to see how I continue to heal and grow now that I'm NC.

Monday, October 11, 2010

9 months and some news...

Well, this past Saturday marked 9 months of NC for me. I think I may have mentioned in a recent post that I'd been missing my NM a bit. Not enough to contact her exactly but just feeling down about the whole situation and missing the few good times we've had together, far and few between though they were. Well, not any more.

I still am in contact with my aunt N. She's actually about the ONLY FOO member I'm in touch with these days as the rest have apparently decided to side with NM and refuse to speak to me anymore. My cousin, "M", got married recently (not to be confused with my other cousin, "C", who got married a couple weeks before "M") and, since NM is up there taking care of my NGM who injured her knee, she was at that wedding as well.

Apparently NHS and BIL had to leave C's wedding because my nephew threw up which, according to NHS, "he does all the time for attention". I was, naturally, a tad shocked and concerned when I heard this and have been worried for my niece and nephew for a long time now, long before going NC with my NHS and NBIL a year and a half ago. Apparently I am right to be concerned because my aunt N says that my niece, "A", STILL has problems walking and doing stairs, can't run without falling down and still crosses a room by going from one piece of furniture to the next to hold onto for support. The child is now 6 or 7, not sure which sadly. These problems started when she was about 3 or 4. My NHS and NBIL refuse to do anything about it and claim she's merely "flat-footed". When pushed, they claim they've taken her to 9 specialists but I know that's a total crock as they cancelled out on going to the first specialist like 5 times. I don't think they ever wound up going, though there may have been ONE visit but certainly not NINE specialists!

I had considered strongly calling up the local authorities and at least asking their opinion on what can be done. However, I've decided not to call. It was a very hard decision to make and, if it was still just me and dh, I'd have been on the phone yesterday. But I have my own ds to think about and NHS and NBIL have threatened me many times before that if NBIL or NHS' dad (NSJ) ever gets into trouble because of my "lies" that they will spend the rest of their lives making mine miserable. I would not put it past them AT ALL to lie and claim my ds is abused or whatever and cause problems for me. And I've known some people whose kids were taken from them temporarily while everything was looked into and sorted out and I refuse to let my ds be traumatized like that just so NHS and NBIL can wreak their disgusting revenge. I feel bad walking away but, to be honest, I'm not sure there's much the authorities could do anyway. The kids aren't physically abused, they are well fed and clothed and any authority would likely walk in there, see those things and say, "Nevermind." The sad fact is that emotional/verbal abuse doesn't really register with them and can be very hard to prove anyway. I just hope and pray that now that the kids are in school, the teachers and/or staff there will notice these things and take steps to have it corrected.

Also got some news about NM and NSJ. Aunt N wrote:

(Your NM) hasn't changed. I was feeling her out about the whole situation, and she feels the same exact way - she also misses you terribly, but things would have to be different if you 2 were to have a relationship. Well, no kidding! However, I honestly don't feel that she thinks SHE has to do anything different. NSJ overheard me saying that ds was going to preschool, and he made some asshole comment about, 'OMG, you mean they sent the child to school??' I turned around and said YES, they enrolled him in preschool and he's doing fantastic. I really wanted to say more - I wanted to rub it in his face that you guys are doing a MUCH better job at raising ds than his daughter is raising B and A, but I shut my mouth and didn't start a war. It's not my fight, and I don't want a fight. NSJ just isn't worth it. He has anger about the whole situation, but he doesn't seem to understand that HE is the cause of much of the unrest between you 2. Also, neither of them understand why you wouldn't let NM take ds out on his own - I think that's what prompted the school comment - NSJ thinks you just can't let ds out of your sight. I don't know how NM stands to live with him, but she tells me that she misses him a lot and she's homesick. I can understand that she misses her home, but I've never understood the NSJ thing.

This part understandably pissed me off for multiple reasons:

1) As always, I'M the one who supposedly has all the problems and who would need to change if NM and I were to have a relationship again. *sigh* I really do get so sick and tired of constantly being the SG with these people. (I refuse to call them a family.)

2) NM supposedly "misses me terribly" yet not only has she not tried to contact me once in 9 months but she's also been going around smearing me to anyone and everyone who will give her the time of day. Even when I WAS still in contact with her, we maybe saw her two or three times a month because she was always "so busy" doing whatever. (Mind you, she found time to visit with NHS and her two kids weekly, sometimes a couple times a week.)

3) Seriously? AGAIN with the "Why couldn't I take ds out by myself?" bullshit? As God is my witness, I have told NM my reasons why at least a dozen times and I have been crystal clear about it so that there would be no misunderstanding. She KNOWS damn well what the reasons are, she just chooses to feign ignorance because, in her own words, "you can't blame me for what I don't understand."

4) This probably pisses me off the most. Where in the HELL NSJ gets off thinking he has ANY right whatsoever to comment on me and my life is beyond me. He's made it clear from day one that he not only hates and resents me to no end but that he wanted nothing to do with me. He was always making comments about how he wished my NM would have just given me to my father years ago and been done with me or about how he resented "wasting" his money on me, yet he thinks that he has some right to comment about my life or that anyone, most of all ME, gives a flying f**k about his opinion??!

That fat, disgusting, perverted PIG of a man....nay, that THING, made my life a living hell. From as far back as I can remember, he abused me physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually harassed me daily. He made me feel lower and more worthless than dog shit on his shoe. Where in the HELL does he get off judging me and my life?? Even if I didn't let my ds out of my sight - which is a total crock because not only does ds go to preschool but he goes to my IL's on his own almost every weekend, Saturday AND Sunday - being overprotective is a DAMN lot better than abusing and torturing a child like he did to me!

Oooh, I HATE that man! I hate him, I hate him, I HATE him. Actually, "hate" isn't nearly a strong enough word. I loathe him. I despise him. Every single thing about him disgusts me all the way to the very core of my being. Regardless, I have and will continue to pray that I'm able to forgive him. Why? Because I refuse to let him continue to control me through my bitterness and hatred of him. He's simply NOT WORTH IT.

I was angry after reading my aunt N's email but, ironically enough, within about 30 minutes or so, I felt fine. Even now, I could care less about most of it, save for the NSJ thing. NM, NHS and NBIL? Pfffffft! Let them say what they will. They are sad, pathetic creatures and I no longer care to waste my time being upset over what they say or think about me. As for NSJ, yes, I admit he still gets to me. I'm working on it and it seems to be helping as these things just don't get to me like they used to. In fact, I'm already feeling better which is pretty amazing seeing as how, even a few short months ago, something like this would have had me upset for days, if not a week or more. Now however, I'm able to shrug most of it off within a few minutes.

One thing I've found that really helps is to say to myself, "My intention is..." and then fill in the blank. For example, after reading that news about my N FOO, I said to myself, "My intention is to let this go and not allow them to continue hurting me. They aren't worth it." Almost immediately I started to feel better and within about a half hour, I was perfectly calm and relaxed again. It doesn't always work quite that fast - and I really have no idea why it works at all - but it seems to do the trick so I'll keep doing it!

Hope all of you are doing well!


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Oh good grief!!! WHY??!!

Just heard back from my HS. Remember a few days ago when NSM told me HS was having a test for her lymphedema that was supposedly THE single most excruciatingly painful test known to all of mankind? (At least I think I posted about that here! LOL) Well surprise, surprise. Turns out NSM is full of shit!

The test HS is having is called a "lymphoscintigraphy". Quite simply, it involves a radioactive dye being injected and then taking a series of x-rays over the course of a few hours. The goal is to try and see where the blockage is in the lymph system that's causing all the swelling. Aside from an uncomfortable needle stick, it's not painful at all, according to people who've had it done.

But the lying doesn't stop there, oh no! NSM also told me that my NEF was supposed to spend the day with my HS (at her request supposedly) due to the fact that it was supposed to be so "trying" on HS, what with the high levels of "excruciating pain and all". *eye roll* According to HS, not only did she NOT request that my NEF go with her, she says that her bf is supposed to be going with her and so she doesn't need either of them there at all unless something with her plans falls through and her bf has to go into work unexpectedly, in which case she asked NSM to be on stand-by.

So, basically, NSM lied about EVERYTHING. What I don't get is WHY? What's the point? I can maybe see lying if there's some gain but what's the supposed gain in this scenario? As far as I can tell, there is none.

Honestly, these N's are so STUPID sometimes!

"Place For My Head" by Linkin Park...

Not sure why I never noticed this song before. I guess I just played the songs I liked on my Linkin Park cd and never bothered to listen to the other ones. Anyways, I was listening to my cd yesterday while doing dishes and this song came on. As I listened to the lyrics I thought to myself, 'WOW. Just....WOW.' Talk about a DoNM anthem if I've ever heard one! I especially like the part where he's screaming, "You, tried to take the best of me....GO AWAY!!!"

Take a listen for yourself here. And just in case you are unable to access links (or just don't feel like it!), here's the lyrics:

Place For My Head by Linkin Park

I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night
Shining with the light from the sun
But the sun doesn't give the light to the moon assuming,
The moon's gonna owe it one
It makes me think of how you act to me
You do favors then rapidly
You just turn around and start asking me,
About things that you want back from me

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I wanna be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

Maybe some day I'll be just like you and
Step on people like you do
Run away all the people I thought I knew
I remember back then who you were
You used to be calm used to be strong
Used to be generous but you should've known
That you'd wear out your welcome
now you see how quiet it is all alone

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I wanna be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, GO AWAY

GO AWAY!!!!!!

I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I wanna be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest