Wednesday, August 6, 2014

An interaction with NHS and NBIL...

Well, my birthday came and went with zero acknowledgment from my NF and NSM, as well as my three step-siblings. That was expected but still hurt. I wish there was some way to just stop caring. It sucks and makes it damn near impossible to enjoy any event or holiday when all I can seem to think about is being unwanted and not cared about by my own father and all three of my siblings.

My NM invited me over to her house for a nice dinner on my bday. She mentioned that my NHS, NBIL and their two kids would be there also and that she understood if I didn't want to come but said that she'd spoken with NHS and NHS had agreed to be polite and civil. I didn't really want to go, especially on my birthday, but knew the hellish drama that would follow if I didn't show - namely that I'd be labeled as the one who couldn't even be civil, etc. - so I reluctantly agreed to go. Was a bit nervous as I didn't really know what to expect. Well, as it turned out, I was treated like a non-entity the entire hour and a half they were there by NHS and her entire family. Well, actually, that's not entirely true - my niece actually smiled at me and seemed friendly enough. She even seemed to want to play with my ds but the second she'd start to make a move toward ds, NHS would come over and my niece would go back to ignoring me/us. I tried on several occasions to be neutral and civil and make small talk only for NHS and NBIL to act like I wasn't even there.

My nephew was constantly running to his mom's side any time I'd enter the room she was in. Clearly NHS and NBIL have demonized me to the point that their children feel a need to fear me. It's just so sad.

On one occasion, I returned from the kitchen to find NBIL smiling and talking to dh only to give me a dirty look and walk off as soon as I came over and said 'hello'. On another occasion, I made a comment to NHS and she began talking to NM as if NM was the one who'd made the comment. They wouldn't even make EYE CONTACT with me. This was especially true of NHS. It was so absurd and yet, somehow, still incredibly hurtful. I was actually tempted to leave within about 5 minutes of them being there but dh said I shouldn't let them run me off. Looking back, I wish I'd said, "Fuck this" and just left.

I spoke with NM a few days later about NHS and her behavior. NM said she'd spoken with NHS and NHS said that if I'd apologize for threatening to turn her and NBIL into Child and Family Services for supposed abuse of their children (something I NEVER said or threatened to do at any point in time) then she'd CONSIDER being civil and respectful when we were around each other. I told NM that NHS could stick it, that I wasn't going to apologize for something I DIDN'T DO and that, even if I had, happened over FIVE YEARS AGO during an argument. I went on to say that clearly NHS was more interested in holding some ridiculous grudge than she was in being mature and that I was just fine if I went the rest of my life without ever seeing or speaking to NHS and her family again. NM said she understood but felt bad that NHS' kids and my ds would never get to know one another. I told NM that wasn't my fault and that I would not accept responsibility for that fact.

Then, about two weeks ago, NM went out with NSJ and they bought yet another brand new car for NM. Instead of trading in their other old car, they kept it and just bought the other one - brand new and with all the bells and whistles of course. Now, I had just been saying to NM not even two days previous, how dh's car (that was purchased new back in 1999) was really starting to wear out and how we were going to need a new car soon and I didn't know how we were going to afford it, etc. So I was really ticked that, when I asked NM what they were going to do with the 3rd car, NM stated that NSJ had already made plans to give it (not sell it, GIVE it free and clear) to NHS and NBIL. To add insult to injury, two days after that incident, NM made the comment to me that she "wished she had a car to give me to help me out"! I felt like screaming at her, "You DID have an extra car and, as always, instead of thinking of me, you give it to NHS and NBIL!!!!"

Speaking of which, if I have to hear one more time about how "great" NHS and NBIL are and how much better they are and how they've "turned their life around", I'm going to either scream or puke. NHS and NBIL are the same immature, irresponsible asshats they've always been. All the proof I needed of that was the hour and a half I spent with them at NM's on my bday. They haven't changed a bit except to get older.

Since the whole get-together with NHS and NBIL, a lot of emotional stuff that I thought I'd dealt with and gotten past has come back up. I've found myself feeling a bit depressed but, more than anything, just plain ole angry. How DARE NHS say that *I* need to apologize to her and her family! How dare she act like she is the victim and I some kind of depraved criminal. What about her apology to ME for slandering my name to anyone who would listen, be they old friends and even doctors that we share? What about her husband's apology for writing a hateful, nasty letter about me and then sending it to my mother and my husband (who was at work at the time) and saying that my dh needed to "get his woman under control"? I've spent my entire life - most of it anyway - trying to be "good enough" so that my NHS would want a relationship with me, so that we could be close and have the sisterly relationship I've always wanted. And it has never, not even ONCE, been good enough for her. Which is another thing, coincidentally, that I said to NM - that I could go ahead and jump through this newest hoop laid before me by NHS, I could apologize for my "sins" exactly as she's demanding, and I guarantee you it would STILL not be enough. She'd find yet another thing to demand of me in order for me to prove my loyalty and worthiness to her. It's never enough and it never will be and, damn it, I'm sick of bending over backward until my back is broken and of making myself physically ill just to receive more demands and crap from everyone!

Have been trying really hard to remember it's them and not me but those old feelings of worthlessness and "badness" are creeping up and lurking again. Am seriously considering upping my Zoloft when I go to the doctor for my next appointment. Think I could use it.


Wednesday, June 25, 2014


This is what NSM had posted on her Facebook wall the day after Father's Day. (For the record, I didn't go looking for it. I only saw it because DH left his account logged in after using it last and it popped up when I sat down at the computer.) I'm sure this was posted in response to my "crime" of not acknowledging my NF on his holiday. Would love nothing more than to say I saw it, rolled my eyes and went on my merry way. Sadly however, if I'm to be totally honest, it still hurts. All I've ever done is love them and want to be loved and accepted by them in return. Instead I've been shit on, mistreated, abused, manipulated, lied to and abandoned more times than I care to count.

I've been thinking a lot about this whole situation for a few days now and I realize that I need some kind of closure on everything with my NSM and NF. Sounds easy enough, right? Problem is that I'm not sure how to go about that. Talking to them doesn't work. Neither does writing a letter or email. They just deny, re-write history, lie or whatever else it takes to make themselves right and me wrong. Going full NC for three years did nothing. They just picked up where they left off. Talking about it ad nauseum in therapy or with trusted friends/relatives hasn't worked. It just keeps coming back up to bite me in the ass. So then what? How do I get past the pain, the anger, the frustration and let it go and move on with my life?

And what of the painful irony of NSM's post? Do these people even read these things before re-posting them? Why is it that I am in the wrong - never mind the fact that I've never walked away from them, it's always been their choice to walk out on me - for THEIR decision to walk out of my life and abandon me time and again? And why are their reasons or excuses any more valid than mine? Furthermore, why is it so difficult for them to want to be a part of my life? Why don't they care about me? And WHY, for the love of God, does it have to hurt so much?

My birthday will be coming up in ten days, which will also be the one year mark since my dad last made an attempt to contact me. Another birthday to dread because I know it will bring up all that negativity. Why must N's ruin everything with their nastiness and negativity? I can't even enjoy my own birthday anymore.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I'm back!

Good grief. It has been a while, hasn't it? So much has gone on the past year. Where do I begin?

I suppose I'll start with NM. She's continued to be quite good actually. No major complaints there. She's been kind, loving, supportive and, never thought I'd say it, but I'm just so glad to have her back in my life. Have actually done a lot of thinking and am not so sure NM is really and truly an N anymore. Not that she stopped being one but rather that she never truly was one in the first place. Yes, she's certainly done things in the past that would qualify but I now suspect her to be more narcissistic than full on narcissist.
NF on the other hand, full on narcissist. Am so sorry I ever reached out and broke NC with him as it's been nothing but hell ever since. We are currently back at NC status - his choice actually rather than mine. Things had been going okay (which isn't saying much because they were far from ideal). He'd call every few weeks or so and we'd talk for a bit, which usually involved me listening to him drone on about himself for an hour or more. It wasn't great but, at the time at least, it was something. He called me for my birthday last year in July, said he'd talk to me again in a few days or so and that was the last I heard from him.

It's now been almost 11 months and nothing. I found out through another family member that NF and my NSM were in town visiting friends. (If you'll remember, NF and NSM live out of state.) At that time, I hadn't spoken to my NF in about 7 or 8 months and hadn't seen him or NSM in over 3 years. Also hadn't spoke to NSM in those 3+ years. So I was somewhat surprised to log into my email one day and see I'd gotten a message from NSM. Of course she acted like everything was hunky dorey and we'd just spoken a few days ago. I got some bullshit story about how "busy" they are - oh, such martyrs them! - and how the reason they didn't send out any Christmas gifts for me or ds is because of them being so busy, blah blah blah. Not a single comment about missing me, asking what she could do to fix things or even a single inquiry as to how I'd been or ds was, etc. Just how they are so tired and overburdened and in need of a break, boo hoo hoo and woe is them. Had planned to call her on her bullshit and send a not so nice response but later decided not to respond at all. Just saw no point in it other than to inflame the drama that I didn't want or need. Anyway, long story short, they came and went and didn't try to contact me or meet up. Yes, I was glad in one respect that they didn't contact me further or show up on my doorstep or call to try and get me to meet with them while they were here, the same time, it was just so very painful. I'm his firstborn daughter. He hasn't seen me in years or spoken to me in months and yet he didn't even try to see me or speak to me. He drove 10 hours to come visit friends rather than his own daughter. THAT hurt. It still hurts.
I continue to have zero contact with my three siblings. For a brief period, I had occasional contact with my one half sis (HS) but apparently she is "too busy" with work and what all to so much as send me a two second email or at least call me on my birthday. When I tried to talk to her about it, she basically blew me off and said I had no right to be upset as it wasn't personal. Haven't spoken to her since.

My HB and NHS also continue not to speak to me. NM has been trying to get NHS to relax a bit and at least allow her two kids to come with NM so they can spend time with their cousin, ds, and get to know him again but NHS continues to be a bitch. She said that if I apologize to her - nevermind that I did nothing wrong, I simply stood up for a child who I had reason to suspect may be being abused - then MAYBE she'll consider it. I told NM to forget it. I wasn't going to apologize for something I didn't do and, really, after all this time has passed now, what's the need even if there HAD been something? It's been YEARS yet, as ever, NHS continues to hold grudges as if they happened yesterday. Pisses me off that NHS has the gall to state the I need to apologize but, beyond that, it's no big deal to me. Wasn't particularly wanting to rekindle that relationship anyway. Still, it would be nice to have a relationship with at least ONE of my siblings. But, thanks to N, triangulating parents, guess that isn't to be.

MIL and FIL are being okay lately. No issues or complaints presently. NBIL and NSIL continue to be their self-absorbed selves but, more on that another time.

Am planning to post a lot more from here on out. Feel as if I have some stuff to work out and writing about it has always helped in the past so, what the heck. :)