Friday, August 17, 2012

GAH!! These people!!!!

Was finally sleeping after nearly a week of horrid insomnia due to my new medication (Zoloft) and was woken up by the phone. Didn't get to it in time so the machine picked up. It was NMIL letting me know that NFIL is on his way over to take a look at our kitchen sink. While I (sort of) appreciate him trying to help, do they not think AT ALL to call BEFOREHAND to make sure it's a good time for ME??? Honestly, they just figure that since I have anxiety and agoraphobia and don't really go out that it's just always a good time to drop by. Never occurs to them I might have other plans, have company over visiting or be doing something else important. Of course even if I'm just sitting here, sleeping on my couch all day, it's still my house and, as such, I have the right to say I DON'T WANT FUCKING COMPANY RIGHT NOW!!! GAH!!! These people!!!!!

I didn't pick up when NMIL called and was leaving her message. Was hoping she'd get in touch with NFIL like she said and tell him not to come. Instead, the bitch called back - damn that caller ID messing up lately otherwise I would have seen it was her and not answered! - and informs me that NFIL is on his way over to look at the sink. I just said, "Yeah. Whatever." Of course she was all pissy and bitchy being that she still assumes I'M the one who "made" dh call and chastise her about deliberately removing me from the loop the other day.

Am definitely going to have to have another talk with dh. Think I will insist on a sit down with myself, dh and his NP's this time so we can get everything laid out there on the table. Not that I think it will stop their bad behavior, mind you. Don't know that even a miracle could fix that. More that since dh will be present, he'll hear me tell them flat out to please show me the respect of calling before they come, etc. so they will no longer be able to play the "I didn't know it was a problem" card. 

As for me, I think I'll be going even more extreme LC with them both. Full NC isn't possible at this time unfortunately as NMIL comes to pick ds up for the day on Saturdays when he visits them. But I try to limit my contact whenever possible, such as handing the phone to dh or ds when they call and not going over there when dh and ds go over (which isn't often at all).

Maybe I'll get lucky and dh will get a great new job that will require him to relocate to Europe. LOL One can wish, right? ;o)

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Freaking NMIL...

All I can say is thank the Lord for the Zoloft that I started last weekend otherwise I'd likely be hella more pissed off than I am presently. Freaking NMIL.

NMIL had asked dh - she's always asking dh instead of going through ME despite the fact that I'M the one home with ds all day and in charge of his daily schedule - a few weeks back if it would be okay for her and NSIL (and NSIL's kid) to take ds to a local splash pad sometime. (In case anyone doesn't know what a splash pad is, it's a very shallow water recreation area that has a host of sprinklers and spouts coming up out of the ground for young kids to play in.) Dh ran it by me and we both told NMIL that it should be fine, just to check with us down the road whenever she decided on an actual day and time. So, last night ds is talking on the phone with NMIL and I overhear her telling him that she's going to take him to this splash pad place tomorrow. (Ds prefers to talk on speaker phone and I don't mind as it enables me to hear what the other person might be saying, this latest incident being a perfect example of why that might be necessary.) I had a couple issues with this:

1) No one had said anything to ME about it.
2) NM had already called and scheduled to come visit with ds today.
3) As far as I knew, NMIL hadn't said anything to my dh about this either and just went straight to ds first. Not cool.

So I said to ds - and NMIL who could hear me - that I wasn't sure if that would work as NM had already made plans to come visit ds the following day, etc. NMIL gets all pissy and says to just "let her know" and then adds that Wednesday was the best day for NSIL to do it. Of course there was obviously ZERO concern as to whether or not it was a good time for ME. As soon as ds hung up with NMIL, I went into dh's studio and asked him quietly if his NM had called him earlier that day and said anything about taking ds to the splash pad place the following day. He said yes, his NM had called him and that he had told her it should be okay but to call me first to make sure. Dh says he was very clear that NMIL needed to call and check with me first.

Understandably, I was PISSED. NMIL had manipulated things and now *I* was going to be in trouble with someone no matter what. If I told ds he couldn't go, then he was going to be upset and quite possibly resent me and NM for him not being able to go. If I let ds go, then not only did NMIL get that she could get away with manipulating things but NM would eventually find out that we'd let NMIL take ds to a splash pad place after telling her just a couple weeks ago that she could not. (For the record, the place NMIL took ds too was JUST a splash pad place whereas the place NM wants to take DS has a deeper pool very nearby. Dh and I both agree that unless one or both of us is there, we don't want ds in any pools or larger bodies of water.)

Dh said he was going to call his NM and "give her hell" about the whole thing. I suppose I should be glad that he at least saw something wrong with her behavior. Unfortunately, his "kid gloved" approach to "giving his mom hell" kind of killed any pride I might have felt in him for standing up to her. To be fair, he DID firmly reiterate that NMIL was to go through ME for all future scheduling of anything and chastised her (albeit extremely mildly) for leaving me out of the loop. NMIL claims it wasn't intentional and that she just hadn't called me that morning because she didn't want to wake me if I was still sleeping. Okay. Fine. But what about the other 8 hours or so she knew I'd be up? Better still, how about asking to speak to ME, as dh had instructed her to do, when she called last night before she went blathering to ds about taking him to a water park? No, NMIL knew EXACTLY what she was doing and no one will ever convince me otherwise. Of course, dh believes that it wasn't intentional. He agrees it wasn't right but still believes that his NM is this innocent dunderhead that would never intentionally manipulate the situation or do anything nasty. I, of course, know better. NMIL is, at BEST, extremely passive aggressive. At her worst, she's an N through and through.

As expected, NMIL was late to pick ds up this morning for their visit and was late bringing him home. She was short and clipped in speaking to me and refused to make eye contact. I could tell she was pissed at me, likely because she's sure *I* was the one that put dh up to calling her and chewing her out last night. Of course dh could never think to do such a thing on his OWN. I wasn't surprised that she brought ds home late. What would have shocked me was if she HAD gotten him home on time. But instead, to get back at me for having dh call her up and chastise her, she went all passive aggressive and decided she was going to make ds late for his visit with my NM at 2 o'clock. Bitch.

It wound up that, against my better judgment, we let ds go. I know, I know. But ds told me he really, really wanted to go and begged asked if it was okay and what can I say? - I love my ds more than I hate my NMIL. Am still pissed off majorly at NMIL though and am seriously contemplating saying something to her myself. I find it awfully 
telling that NMIL apologized to dh last night for what she did but said NOTHING to me the two times she came into the house today when she was picking ds up and dropping him off or when she called to tell ds goodnight just a bit ago. If she was sincerely sorry, wouldn't you think she'd apologize to ME, the one she wronged? So wish I could come up with some concrete proof instead of it always being her word against mine. 

On a bit of a side note, I would also like to see how dh would feel if the situation were reversed. Had it been the other way around and his NM had already made plans and then my NM pulled a stunt like this and I said it was okay and let ds go, how would he feel? I strongly suspect he'd be pissed and not at all okay with it. But, as is most often the case, when it's his NM, it's all good. It's always, "I'm sure she didn't mean it like that." He just refuses to see her as anything other than this naive, innocent person who doesn't have a mean or manipulative bone in her body. 
I'll give NMIL credit for one thing though, she certainly has FIL and her two boys fooled with her act.

Friday, August 10, 2012

The NM is coming through again...

Guess it's true what they say about all good things eventually coming to an end. The past several months - has it been a year now? - with NM have been better than I ever could have hoped. She's been supportive, caring. She's minded her manners and behaved herself for the most part. Truly, I finally felt like I had a real mother for the first time in my life. I knew this new mom wouldn't last forever and that the N in her would eventually come back out but I guess a part of me had hoped I was wrong or that this good thing would go on a bit longer.

It all started a month or so ago when NM was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Don't know what the deal is with these doctors seeming to prescribe moderate to high carb and low fat diets as a means of losing weight but NM got the usual BS from her doctor. Her doctor also told her that it was "okay" to have a couple waffles or a piece of cake or some cookies once in a while. Now, to me, this is like telling a drug addict they can still have a fix once in a while or an alcoholic that they can have an occasional drink. Like any addict - and I fully believe carbs and sugar are addictive - given this loophole, NM is likely to take major advantage which is precisely what she's done. I can't tell you how many mornings I'm talking to her and she'll check her sugar and it's well over 100. On a couple of occasions, it's been as high as 244! 

Naturally, because I care about her and want her to be well, I've tried to guide her toward a healthier way of eating, particularly to avoid carbs. Dh and I are proof that this way of eating will result in weight loss and better health. And a co-worker/friend of dh's is even better proof as he was extremely bad with diabetes (also type 2) before dh helped him start eating better and they started working out. In just over a year, this guy has lost just over 100 pounds and his diabetes is gone and he's off all his meds. His blood pressure and cholesterol are also back within normal ranges. Despite this, NM insists that her doctor knows best and keep taking full advantage of the loophole she was given. Of course this has resulted in her sugar spiking and dropping all over the place and NM feeling awful. But instead of that causing her to realize maybe I'm right, she continues to play the "I don't understand why I'm not feeling better" game and says she "can't be bothered" to do what she needs to do and read the articles dh and I email to her and make the effort to eat right.

I've begun to distance myself from the issue as it's become very problematic and stressful for me. NM had earned the privilege to take DS out on short excursions but I'm no longer comfortable with that given her refusal to take responsibility for her health and do what she needs to do. What if her sugar spikes dangerously high or low and she passes out while driving with DS in the car or something? Or what if she's at the corner store with him and that happens and DS is left alone and frightened? Of course THIS has caused NM to get all pissy and argumentative and start the "But WHY can't I take him?" again.

Then I was talking to her the other day and she starts in on telling me what I need to do in order to make my home-business more successful. This from the woman who "can't be bothered" to properly market her stuff and just sticks a few items in the display where she gets her nails done and expects her business to just magically take off all on it's own. When I try to give her advice to be more successful - not that I'm exactly a great success yet but it's starting to take off a bit lately - her response is always, "I can't be bothered." Yet she wants to try and tell ME how to run my business? So anyways I told her that I already did all of those things and that dh is going to set me up a website just as soon as he's finished working on a paid piece (oil painting) that he's currently doing. NM pipes up with, "Oh good! And when he's done with yours, he can do one for me too!" Um.....NO. For one, though he can do it, dh hates doing websites. He's only helping me out because I'm his wife and because, in doing so, it will help me to get more business and bring in more money. Furthermore, why should dh waste his precious time to set up a website for someone who, by her own admission, "can't be bothered"?

Just yesterday I was talking with NM again (in reading this am definitely thinking I need to cut back on how often I talk with NM!) and she was telling me about this friend of hers. I refer to this woman as NM's "black hole" because she is a bottomless pit of neediness. She calls NM no less than three times a week, usually more, and expects NM to answer every time and then sit and listen to her woe is me sob story about how she just knows her ex - who she's been divorced from for over 20 years mind you - still loves her (despite the fact that he's been happily remarried for most of those years) and if she could just get him alone, she knows he'd come back to her and their kids who need him. (Their "kids" are all well over 20 and married with their own kids.) Long story short, this "black hole" has major mental problems and is far from stable. NM complains about having to talk to this person so often, etc. and I finally just said to her, "Look. If you don't want to talk to her, DON'T TALK TO HER. Tell her to stop calling you and then just don't answer anymore if she calls back." NM would repeatedly say how if this person said just one more thing, she was going to cut the cord. Yeah. Right.

Forward several months of NM threatening to "cut the cord" with her black hole and we're caught up to yesterday. NM was once again complaining about her black hole. Apparently said nuisance had called NM up the night before and proceeded to ream NM a new one about what it means to be a real friend and how NM was no friend because she was always trying to "change" her (NM was actually trying to suggest ways for this person to help get herself out of her current situation since she seems to be so unhappy where she is), blah blah blah. So I say to NM, "So? What did you say to her?" Basically, NM didn't do shit about anything and her big plan now is to just not answer when this person calls back in the future.

What bothered me though is that NM is telling me what she said to this woman and somewhere along the line NM says that she's telling her black hole that she (NM) has agreed to help me with my anxiety issue and be there for me - which, to a large degree, she has been there for me thus far - and how she doesn't have time to play therapist to this other lady. That part was fine but then NM went on to say how me and my issues are apparently so "frustrating" for her and how she gets so irritated because she doesn't know how to help me, etc. Not only did that hurt - (I am so sick and tired of everyone saying how 'frustrating' I am to be around and deal with right now. As if I don't already know that. More to the point, if they think THEY are frustrated, imagine how it must feel for ME who doesn't have the luxury of getting a break from myself and my issues!) - but it pissed me off. For one, other than asking her to accompany me to a couple places, and I think it's been literally TWO places she's gone with me to, I haven't asked her for a thing and she hasn't done shit other than to offer me stupid, useless "advice" about how I need to just "not think about it" and "get out more" as if that will somehow magically cure me of my intense anxiety and agoraphobia. In fact, with the exception of the past several months, NM has NEVER been there for me in ANY capacity. At least none that matters, and yet she has the gall to complain as if it's so hard being the fucking hero to my tragedy? Oh POOR NM!!! What the fuck ever.

Oh, just remembered another incident. So a week ago, NM asks if she could take DS to the local YMCA pool to swim for a bit. Wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea but told NM I'd talk with dh and get back to her the following morning. Dh agreed with me that he wasn't comfortable with the idea either and so I'd planned to tell NM it wasn't gonna happen. As it turned out, NM called the next day and said she wasn't going to go because it was too humid. Okay. Whatever. Then just this past Tuesday, NM mentions that she'd told DS - she'd watched him while dh went with me to a doctor's appointment - that she might take him to the pool Thursday if it was okay with dh and I. Was somewhat pissed but at least she'd bothered to add the part about needing to ask dh and I first which was a big change from before NC where NM used to ask DS first and then I was always made the bad guy for making them cancel plans. When I was talking with NM on the phone later that day, she mentioned taking DS to the pool again and I said, "We'll see." I know, I should have just told her then it wasn't going to happen but it had been a long, very anxiety-filled day and I wasn't in the mood for an argument just then. So NM goes, "What do you mean 'We'll see'? Why is it 'we'll see' now when you'd said I could take him before?" Didn't occur to me in the moment that I had NOT said yes that she could take him to the pool at ANY point. Instead, I felt guilty as if I HAD said that and then changed my mind so I just told her I had to check because NMIL had said something about taking DS out for some back to school stuff and I didn't know if that was going to be Thursday or Friday. Later however, I was like "WTF?! I NEVER said she could take him to the pool!".

And then today while I was talking with her, she mentioned that I sounded down and asked what was wrong. So, silly me, I told her about all that was going on, how I'd spoken over the phone with my therapist yesterday and found out that my T was leaving the practice and how I was upset over it, etc. I tell you, NM couldn't have been more uninterested. She might as well have just come out and said, "Oh shut up. I don't care about this. Let's talk about something more ME!". I just kind of got quiet at which point NM excused herself and said she had to go. Being only too willing to get off the phone with her then, I said fine and hung up.

Am just so disgusted with my NP's lately. Haven't heard anything more from NEF or NSM lately (thank the Lord) but I came across a post from the Emerging From Broken blog in which Darlene writes about her emotionally unavailable EF and how she was sick of his behavior always reaffirming how little she means/meant to him all these years. It really made me realize that that is precisely my issue with my own NEF - he always makes me feel like I don't matter. Like I'm not important enough or good enough for him to take notice and care. And truly, today with NM acting so uninterested in what is currently going on with me, I realized she doesn't care either. With FOUR parents, birth and steps, caring so little about me and my feelings, is it any wonder I have virtually zero self-esteem or sense of self-worth?

Have made the decision to try taking Zoloft starting tomorrow. From what I read online, it's supposed to be very useful in treating social anxiety as well as helping with persons with PTSD, which I've been suspected of having, so I'm hoping it relieves some of this horrible anxiety I've been having. With DS going back to school in just a couple weeks, I'm going to need all the help I can get. Wish me luck.