Thursday, October 4, 2012

The NMIL saga (cont'd.)...

So, after much thought, I had decided to handle things myself with NMIL. Because I feared she might try to lie and claim I'd been mean to her if I called her on the phone to talk with her, I decided to go the email route so I'd have proof that I'd been civil and respectful. Here's the email I sent her:

Hey (NMIL's name),

Am writing to you as there is something I would like to discuss with you. There have been several instances now where you've seemingly gone over my head or behind my back where making plans are concerned. I don't even know if you're aware of what you're doing but it feels like you are deliberately going out of your way to avoid having to speak to me. I want to believe it's unintentional and you don't mean anything by your actions but it's difficult when I know dh has told you himself on at least two occasions to speak to me yet you've continued to go through him.

Have I done something to anger or upset you in some way? I can't recall anything specific but maybe you were offended by something I said or did? If so, I apologize. I care very much for you and hope you know that I would never want to hurt or offend you. Hopefully, if there is something, we can talk about it and work it out.

Love you and hope to hear from you soon.


I sent the email around noon yesterday and, at the time I started writing this post, I still hadn't heard from NMIL. Around 9:33am, I was checking my email and up popped an email from her. It reads:

I did not deliberated talk to [dh's name] first sorry if i offended you. He did tell me to check with you I am just use to talking to him and asking if he is interested in something..I know u keep up with your family schedule more than he does. In the further i will talk with u . I hope there are no hard feelings. thanks for bringing this to my attention, please feel like u can talk to me anytime. Love u!! Wasn"t sure this was from u I hesitated to open it sooner.

I suppose I should have expected as much. No way would NMIL be so careless as to email me back with what she REALLY thinks and feels, thereby giving me proof that I could then turn around and show dh. No, better to keep it so that it's only my word against hers since she believes dh will always side with HER. Sadly, the truth is, I think NMIL may be right about that.

Last night, after telling dh about the email I'd sent to NMIL - I figured he'd find out about it sooner or later and I'd rather he heard it from ME first before his NM potentially added her spin to it - he was VERY upset with me. Apparently I should have checked with him first and discussed it with him. By not doing so, I've put him in the middle and "disrespected him" and basically told him "Fuck you" and implied that he's a pussy ass momma's boy who can't handle his mommy. While there is some truth to that - sorry, but it's just reality - my intention was never to disrespect my dh in any way. I was simply trying to handle things myself and put an end to NMIL's treatment of me since the few (heavily sugar-coated) times dh has talked with his NM haven't done shit. 

Despite my good intentions however, apparently I'm still in the wrong. Truly, no matter what I seem to do, it's a lose/lose/lose situation for me. If I leave it to dh and trust him to handle it, it doesn't get handled and I'm stuck being disrespected by his NM as well as having dh mad at me for "putting him in the middle" and pushing him to confront his mom. If I handle it myself, dh is angry with me for disrespecting him and taking matters into my own hands. If I give up and concede to NMIL and just let her win, then dh and NMIL are happy but I'm left to live out my life feeling miserable as well as having my resentment toward dh build until it really begins to cause problems in our marriage.

In addition to telling me I'd disrespected and emasculated him, he also totally invalidated my feelings, thoughts and experiences regarding what's been going on with his NM. He told me that a few times of her going behind my back or over my head does NOT constitute as her "disrespecting" me or "treating me like shit" and that I'm once again making a huge deal out of a small thing. In other words, I'm too sensitive and over-reacting. And so, what I've long suspected regarding dh's view of things - that he truly doesn't get it - has been 100% confirmed. Way to make me feel supported dh, thanks a bunch.

It's becoming clearer and clearer that, despite dh's fierce protests, his mommy (and the rest of his FOO) will always come first. Truly, I'm left feeling very defeated and hopeless. I can either continue fighting for myself which will result in dh getting angry with me and causing repeated fights between us (and potentially ruin our marriage) OR I can give up and just be miserable until NMIL finally dies.

This sucks. :o(

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

NMIL just called a bit ago....

She called to tell DS good night. At the end, she asked to speak to dh and insisted on speaking to him despite the fact that he was in the shower and had said he'd call her back. What was so important? She wanted to tell him the times of the picnic this coming Saturday. So despite the fact that I was standing right there and it would have been much easier and made far more sense for her to speak to me - especially given that dh had just told her (AGAIN) last night to go through me - she chose to once again go over my head and speak with dh. But "it's not intentional". Yeah. Right. 

NMIL's at it again...

NMIL called last night, like she does EVERY night, to say good night to DS. When she was done, she asked if dh was home. DS said he was and NMIL asked to speak to him. Dh had the phone on speaker so I heard what was said. NMIL told dh that the grocery store chain that NBIL and NSIL work for was once again having their yearly fair and she wanted to know if dh and DS wanted to go. My dh, who had told me the last time this issue came up that he would "handle it" - he didn't - just stood there and said, "Oh! That sounds great!". I nudged him and then mouthed to him "She's supposed to go through ME, remember?!". Had I not been there and/or said anything, I've little doubt that dh would have said/done NOTHING. Yet he has the gall to get mad at me because I don't trust him to handle it. 

Dh back-tracked and told NMIL that she'd have to talk to me and so she reluctantly asked to speak to me. When I told her we had plans between 3 and 5pm that day, she said she'd have to check with NSIL to see what their schedule was, what time they wanted to leave, what time they planned to come back home, etc. Clearly what is convenient for US and OUR family doesn't even register. It's all about what NBIL and NSIL want.

So now I clearly have to talk with dh and I'm dreading it because I know it's going to wind up in us having yet another argument with him claiming to have my back all the while he's taking his family's side and trying to discourage me from "making a big deal out of nothing". My plan is to tell dh that I am no longer willing to be disrespected by his mother and that since he has shown that he cannot or will not handle it as promised, he's left me no other option but to either sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect me or to take a stand and handle it myself. I also plan to tell him that I strongly resent being put into yet another lose/lose situation by him by way of either being unhappy and disrespected by his mom or fighting with him and having him angry at me for daring to stand up and refuse to continue to allow the mistreatment.

I just wish I knew what it would take for dh to see their bad behavior for what it is and DO something about it. He talks a big game, says he has no problem confronting his family and standing up to them yet at every turn, he seems to find any excuse he can not to have to upset them in any way, even if it means repeatedly throwing me and our marriage under the bus.

In so many ways, my dh is a wonderful man. He's an amazing father, a great provider and he's stuck by my side through things that likely would have made most other men walk. In just about any circumstance, I trust in my heart 100% that I can count on him to be there for me and have my back. But when it comes to his family - especially his mother - I feel like a complete afterthought. If it means taking a stand and simply asking for respect for me/us, forget it. Dh will make up an excuse if need be rather than stand up to them.

I'm just so sick of this situation.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Something else that occurred to me...

Been thinking about this situation with my N IL's today and something else occurred to me. I was talking to dh earlier via IM online and told him that I would like it to be noted that his NM had once again gone over my head and cut me out of the equation by emailing him instead of talking to me like he'd instructed her to do the last time an issue came up. His response was that he could understand why she went over my head this time since, in the past two years, dh and ds had gone with NMIL to the fair alone. I reminded dh that wasn't true, that I'd gone with them last year and then stated that wasn't the point. Were this an isolated incident, I could maybe overlook it but it's just one instance in a long pattern of behavior with his mother. Dh grew impatient and angry with me and said he'd just forward NMIL's to me from now on. I told him that was all fine and dandy but that it didn't solve the problem of his mother disrespecting me and that he needed to say something to her. I told him that I am sorry he's always being put in a bad position but that he was the one who said he wanted to handle his parents (and me mine) when stuff like this came up. I went on to say that if he didn't want to handle it, I was more than happy to step up and respectfully handle it myself but he would get angry with me about that too.

My problem is that dh is upset and angry with ME all the time and I'M not the one doing anything wrong. His NM is the one overstepping the boundaries and disrespecting me and then when I dare to speak up and ask not to be mistreated, I'M the bad guy with dh. Meanwhile, NMIL wreaks her havoc and consistently escapes any and all blame as far as dh is concerned. I wish I could figure out a way to make dh realize that his anger is misplaced and that I am not the one he should be upset with.

Why is it that dh would rather sell his soul to the dark side than so much as think that his NM is anything other than a saint who can do no wrong? Why does he seem so willing to throw me under the bus and ask me to suffer further mistreatment rather than stand up for me/us? More to the point, what will it take for him to wake up and see what's really going on before he does something? Honestly, sometimes - like today - I feel like dh could catch his NM red handed trying to poison me and still he'd find a way to rationalize it away and make it okay in his mind. I love my dh very much and in so many ways, he's such a wonderful man but I just don't know how much more of this constantly being put second to his NFOO I can take. It would seem to me that when NMIL disrespects me, she's also disrespecting dh since I'm his wife. But all I get from dh is excuses of how NMIL "didn't mean it" or how it was "completely unintentional". Then I'm told how I'M over-reacting, being too sensitive, etc. Am so sick of it all.

I think what I'm going to do is let dh "handle it" one last time. But the next time NMIL goes over my head and deliberately tries to cut me out of decisions involving MY ds - and I think we all know it WILL happen and sooner than later - I'm going to handle the matter and call NMIL out myself. If dh doesn't like it and/or wants to throw a fit, I don't give a shit anymore. Bottom line, if HE isn't going to nip this in the bud and put a stop to my being disrespected by his NM, then *I* will!

Needing a reality check here...

Am feeling pretty sure I have a right to be upset but, as you all know, sometimes it's hard to know for sure and have doubts. Here's the situation...

Without going into too much detail, NBIL posted a political "joke" on Facebook earlier today. The basic gist was that if people simply work hard enough, they can be rich too and that anyone who isn't must be lazy and not working hard enough and/or that all homeless and poor people are just looking for handouts and lazy. Generally, if I disagree with someone's political views with regard to something they post, I just scroll past and let it go. The few times I DO respond, I try to be very respectful because just as I am entitled to my beliefs, so are others entitled to theirs, right? So anyways, I chose to respond to this particular "joke" and stated that the belief that all poor people were just lazy and looking for handouts is completely ridiculous. I then added a comment that luck can change in an instant and that some people would do well to remember that as they sat on their high horses looking down their noses at people less fortunate than them.

Now, admittedly, it was a bit passive-aggressive but, given my N IL's nasty behaviors recently, I couldn't help myself. I felt and feel that I handled myself respectfully enough, despite the P/A nature of the comment. I didn't come flat out and call NBIL out and I don't feel I was nasty. A bit snarky perhaps but not nasty. Also, the way I see it, by posting his views on a public forum like FB, NBIL is opening himself up to comments. Well dh threw a fit and told me I needed to delete the last part of my comment because he just KNEW that his family was going to take offense and then poor dh would be put in the middle, blah blah. After a bit of back and forth, I told dh flat out - "Look, I am NOT deleting my comment. I have every right to express my thoughts and opinions same as your family does and I have done NOTHING wrong." Dh stormed out and went to work.

Honestly, I am so sick and tired of always being expected to tip toe around dh's family because heaven forbid we offend them in any way or hurt their feelings. I am DONE. It's always ME who is supposed to apologize or take back something I said or wrote lest it offend his family....but it's okay for THEM to talk crap about me and disrespect me. Case in point, recently (I'm pretty sure I posted about this on here somewhere) NMIL manipulated the situation and went over my head to ask dh - called him at WORK no less, despite the fact she knew I was at home - if she could take ds to a local splash pad place. Dh told NMIL to ask me but instead of doing that, NMIL ignored that and mentioned it to ds thereby putting me in a bad position because I'd already confirmed with my NM that she could visit with ds that day. So then I was put in a lose/lose position because either I told ds he couldn't go and he resented me and NM for him not being able to go or I let ds go and NMIL got her way and then NM was (quite rightfully so) upset at me. When I mentioned this to dh, he blew me off and told me to just blame it on him and said my NM would get over it. It wasn't a big deal and he could care less. (Not what he came out and said but that was his attitude about it.) But when it's HIS family or HIM being put in a bad position, all of a sudden it's a HUGE deal and I need to recognize and step off. I am SO FUCKING DONE with them and their crap!!!

When NMIL pulled this stunt dh told her that, in the future, she needed to come through ME and we agreed that if she did come to him again, he would tell her to contact ME and ask ME. Well, last night, dh gets an email from NMIL asking if "we" - meaning dh and ds - were planning to go to the county fair this weekend and, if so, she was going to get tickets. Dh DID check with me before responding but not a word was said to NMIL about needing to check with me. Once again, dh let NMIL get away with cutting me out of the picture and said NOTHING. Yet I'm supposed to know beyond a doubt that he is supposedly on MY side and backs me 100%. Yeah. I can just feel the love and support dh, thanks.

On an unrelated side note, NBIL and NSIL posted video on FB this morning of the GC grandson riding around in MY ds' toy ride-around car. Now, they know full well that ds has had jealousy issues with the GC since he arrived (and deservedly so...the favoritism is obvious) and yet it doesn't occur to them that ds, who has his own FB account so that he can play Angry Birds on there (just FYI, he is always supervised when online) might see this stupid video and be upset by it? I don't give a crap if it was NBIL and NSIL who bought it for ds, it was a GIFT and , as such is DS' car and they either a) should have called and asked if it would be okay for their brat to ride in it or b) at the very least not posted it all over FB. But instead, the favored little prince is just expected to have everything handed down to him. NMIL actually got ANGRY with me recently because I refused to just GIVE her a pair of expensive tennis shoes I'd purchased for ds when he was a baby so that the GC brat could wear them!

I don't know. Am I just being a petty bitch here or do I have legitimate cause to be upset?

Friday, August 17, 2012

GAH!! These people!!!!

Was finally sleeping after nearly a week of horrid insomnia due to my new medication (Zoloft) and was woken up by the phone. Didn't get to it in time so the machine picked up. It was NMIL letting me know that NFIL is on his way over to take a look at our kitchen sink. While I (sort of) appreciate him trying to help, do they not think AT ALL to call BEFOREHAND to make sure it's a good time for ME??? Honestly, they just figure that since I have anxiety and agoraphobia and don't really go out that it's just always a good time to drop by. Never occurs to them I might have other plans, have company over visiting or be doing something else important. Of course even if I'm just sitting here, sleeping on my couch all day, it's still my house and, as such, I have the right to say I DON'T WANT FUCKING COMPANY RIGHT NOW!!! GAH!!! These people!!!!!

I didn't pick up when NMIL called and was leaving her message. Was hoping she'd get in touch with NFIL like she said and tell him not to come. Instead, the bitch called back - damn that caller ID messing up lately otherwise I would have seen it was her and not answered! - and informs me that NFIL is on his way over to look at the sink. I just said, "Yeah. Whatever." Of course she was all pissy and bitchy being that she still assumes I'M the one who "made" dh call and chastise her about deliberately removing me from the loop the other day.

Am definitely going to have to have another talk with dh. Think I will insist on a sit down with myself, dh and his NP's this time so we can get everything laid out there on the table. Not that I think it will stop their bad behavior, mind you. Don't know that even a miracle could fix that. More that since dh will be present, he'll hear me tell them flat out to please show me the respect of calling before they come, etc. so they will no longer be able to play the "I didn't know it was a problem" card. 

As for me, I think I'll be going even more extreme LC with them both. Full NC isn't possible at this time unfortunately as NMIL comes to pick ds up for the day on Saturdays when he visits them. But I try to limit my contact whenever possible, such as handing the phone to dh or ds when they call and not going over there when dh and ds go over (which isn't often at all).

Maybe I'll get lucky and dh will get a great new job that will require him to relocate to Europe. LOL One can wish, right? ;o)

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Freaking NMIL...

All I can say is thank the Lord for the Zoloft that I started last weekend otherwise I'd likely be hella more pissed off than I am presently. Freaking NMIL.

NMIL had asked dh - she's always asking dh instead of going through ME despite the fact that I'M the one home with ds all day and in charge of his daily schedule - a few weeks back if it would be okay for her and NSIL (and NSIL's kid) to take ds to a local splash pad sometime. (In case anyone doesn't know what a splash pad is, it's a very shallow water recreation area that has a host of sprinklers and spouts coming up out of the ground for young kids to play in.) Dh ran it by me and we both told NMIL that it should be fine, just to check with us down the road whenever she decided on an actual day and time. So, last night ds is talking on the phone with NMIL and I overhear her telling him that she's going to take him to this splash pad place tomorrow. (Ds prefers to talk on speaker phone and I don't mind as it enables me to hear what the other person might be saying, this latest incident being a perfect example of why that might be necessary.) I had a couple issues with this:

1) No one had said anything to ME about it.
2) NM had already called and scheduled to come visit with ds today.
3) As far as I knew, NMIL hadn't said anything to my dh about this either and just went straight to ds first. Not cool.

So I said to ds - and NMIL who could hear me - that I wasn't sure if that would work as NM had already made plans to come visit ds the following day, etc. NMIL gets all pissy and says to just "let her know" and then adds that Wednesday was the best day for NSIL to do it. Of course there was obviously ZERO concern as to whether or not it was a good time for ME. As soon as ds hung up with NMIL, I went into dh's studio and asked him quietly if his NM had called him earlier that day and said anything about taking ds to the splash pad place the following day. He said yes, his NM had called him and that he had told her it should be okay but to call me first to make sure. Dh says he was very clear that NMIL needed to call and check with me first.

Understandably, I was PISSED. NMIL had manipulated things and now *I* was going to be in trouble with someone no matter what. If I told ds he couldn't go, then he was going to be upset and quite possibly resent me and NM for him not being able to go. If I let ds go, then not only did NMIL get that she could get away with manipulating things but NM would eventually find out that we'd let NMIL take ds to a splash pad place after telling her just a couple weeks ago that she could not. (For the record, the place NMIL took ds too was JUST a splash pad place whereas the place NM wants to take DS has a deeper pool very nearby. Dh and I both agree that unless one or both of us is there, we don't want ds in any pools or larger bodies of water.)

Dh said he was going to call his NM and "give her hell" about the whole thing. I suppose I should be glad that he at least saw something wrong with her behavior. Unfortunately, his "kid gloved" approach to "giving his mom hell" kind of killed any pride I might have felt in him for standing up to her. To be fair, he DID firmly reiterate that NMIL was to go through ME for all future scheduling of anything and chastised her (albeit extremely mildly) for leaving me out of the loop. NMIL claims it wasn't intentional and that she just hadn't called me that morning because she didn't want to wake me if I was still sleeping. Okay. Fine. But what about the other 8 hours or so she knew I'd be up? Better still, how about asking to speak to ME, as dh had instructed her to do, when she called last night before she went blathering to ds about taking him to a water park? No, NMIL knew EXACTLY what she was doing and no one will ever convince me otherwise. Of course, dh believes that it wasn't intentional. He agrees it wasn't right but still believes that his NM is this innocent dunderhead that would never intentionally manipulate the situation or do anything nasty. I, of course, know better. NMIL is, at BEST, extremely passive aggressive. At her worst, she's an N through and through.

As expected, NMIL was late to pick ds up this morning for their visit and was late bringing him home. She was short and clipped in speaking to me and refused to make eye contact. I could tell she was pissed at me, likely because she's sure *I* was the one that put dh up to calling her and chewing her out last night. Of course dh could never think to do such a thing on his OWN. I wasn't surprised that she brought ds home late. What would have shocked me was if she HAD gotten him home on time. But instead, to get back at me for having dh call her up and chastise her, she went all passive aggressive and decided she was going to make ds late for his visit with my NM at 2 o'clock. Bitch.

It wound up that, against my better judgment, we let ds go. I know, I know. But ds told me he really, really wanted to go and begged asked if it was okay and what can I say? - I love my ds more than I hate my NMIL. Am still pissed off majorly at NMIL though and am seriously contemplating saying something to her myself. I find it awfully 
telling that NMIL apologized to dh last night for what she did but said NOTHING to me the two times she came into the house today when she was picking ds up and dropping him off or when she called to tell ds goodnight just a bit ago. If she was sincerely sorry, wouldn't you think she'd apologize to ME, the one she wronged? So wish I could come up with some concrete proof instead of it always being her word against mine. 

On a bit of a side note, I would also like to see how dh would feel if the situation were reversed. Had it been the other way around and his NM had already made plans and then my NM pulled a stunt like this and I said it was okay and let ds go, how would he feel? I strongly suspect he'd be pissed and not at all okay with it. But, as is most often the case, when it's his NM, it's all good. It's always, "I'm sure she didn't mean it like that." He just refuses to see her as anything other than this naive, innocent person who doesn't have a mean or manipulative bone in her body. 
I'll give NMIL credit for one thing though, she certainly has FIL and her two boys fooled with her act.

Friday, August 10, 2012

The NM is coming through again...

Guess it's true what they say about all good things eventually coming to an end. The past several months - has it been a year now? - with NM have been better than I ever could have hoped. She's been supportive, caring. She's minded her manners and behaved herself for the most part. Truly, I finally felt like I had a real mother for the first time in my life. I knew this new mom wouldn't last forever and that the N in her would eventually come back out but I guess a part of me had hoped I was wrong or that this good thing would go on a bit longer.

It all started a month or so ago when NM was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Don't know what the deal is with these doctors seeming to prescribe moderate to high carb and low fat diets as a means of losing weight but NM got the usual BS from her doctor. Her doctor also told her that it was "okay" to have a couple waffles or a piece of cake or some cookies once in a while. Now, to me, this is like telling a drug addict they can still have a fix once in a while or an alcoholic that they can have an occasional drink. Like any addict - and I fully believe carbs and sugar are addictive - given this loophole, NM is likely to take major advantage which is precisely what she's done. I can't tell you how many mornings I'm talking to her and she'll check her sugar and it's well over 100. On a couple of occasions, it's been as high as 244! 

Naturally, because I care about her and want her to be well, I've tried to guide her toward a healthier way of eating, particularly to avoid carbs. Dh and I are proof that this way of eating will result in weight loss and better health. And a co-worker/friend of dh's is even better proof as he was extremely bad with diabetes (also type 2) before dh helped him start eating better and they started working out. In just over a year, this guy has lost just over 100 pounds and his diabetes is gone and he's off all his meds. His blood pressure and cholesterol are also back within normal ranges. Despite this, NM insists that her doctor knows best and keep taking full advantage of the loophole she was given. Of course this has resulted in her sugar spiking and dropping all over the place and NM feeling awful. But instead of that causing her to realize maybe I'm right, she continues to play the "I don't understand why I'm not feeling better" game and says she "can't be bothered" to do what she needs to do and read the articles dh and I email to her and make the effort to eat right.

I've begun to distance myself from the issue as it's become very problematic and stressful for me. NM had earned the privilege to take DS out on short excursions but I'm no longer comfortable with that given her refusal to take responsibility for her health and do what she needs to do. What if her sugar spikes dangerously high or low and she passes out while driving with DS in the car or something? Or what if she's at the corner store with him and that happens and DS is left alone and frightened? Of course THIS has caused NM to get all pissy and argumentative and start the "But WHY can't I take him?" again.

Then I was talking to her the other day and she starts in on telling me what I need to do in order to make my home-business more successful. This from the woman who "can't be bothered" to properly market her stuff and just sticks a few items in the display where she gets her nails done and expects her business to just magically take off all on it's own. When I try to give her advice to be more successful - not that I'm exactly a great success yet but it's starting to take off a bit lately - her response is always, "I can't be bothered." Yet she wants to try and tell ME how to run my business? So anyways I told her that I already did all of those things and that dh is going to set me up a website just as soon as he's finished working on a paid piece (oil painting) that he's currently doing. NM pipes up with, "Oh good! And when he's done with yours, he can do one for me too!" Um.....NO. For one, though he can do it, dh hates doing websites. He's only helping me out because I'm his wife and because, in doing so, it will help me to get more business and bring in more money. Furthermore, why should dh waste his precious time to set up a website for someone who, by her own admission, "can't be bothered"?

Just yesterday I was talking with NM again (in reading this am definitely thinking I need to cut back on how often I talk with NM!) and she was telling me about this friend of hers. I refer to this woman as NM's "black hole" because she is a bottomless pit of neediness. She calls NM no less than three times a week, usually more, and expects NM to answer every time and then sit and listen to her woe is me sob story about how she just knows her ex - who she's been divorced from for over 20 years mind you - still loves her (despite the fact that he's been happily remarried for most of those years) and if she could just get him alone, she knows he'd come back to her and their kids who need him. (Their "kids" are all well over 20 and married with their own kids.) Long story short, this "black hole" has major mental problems and is far from stable. NM complains about having to talk to this person so often, etc. and I finally just said to her, "Look. If you don't want to talk to her, DON'T TALK TO HER. Tell her to stop calling you and then just don't answer anymore if she calls back." NM would repeatedly say how if this person said just one more thing, she was going to cut the cord. Yeah. Right.

Forward several months of NM threatening to "cut the cord" with her black hole and we're caught up to yesterday. NM was once again complaining about her black hole. Apparently said nuisance had called NM up the night before and proceeded to ream NM a new one about what it means to be a real friend and how NM was no friend because she was always trying to "change" her (NM was actually trying to suggest ways for this person to help get herself out of her current situation since she seems to be so unhappy where she is), blah blah blah. So I say to NM, "So? What did you say to her?" Basically, NM didn't do shit about anything and her big plan now is to just not answer when this person calls back in the future.

What bothered me though is that NM is telling me what she said to this woman and somewhere along the line NM says that she's telling her black hole that she (NM) has agreed to help me with my anxiety issue and be there for me - which, to a large degree, she has been there for me thus far - and how she doesn't have time to play therapist to this other lady. That part was fine but then NM went on to say how me and my issues are apparently so "frustrating" for her and how she gets so irritated because she doesn't know how to help me, etc. Not only did that hurt - (I am so sick and tired of everyone saying how 'frustrating' I am to be around and deal with right now. As if I don't already know that. More to the point, if they think THEY are frustrated, imagine how it must feel for ME who doesn't have the luxury of getting a break from myself and my issues!) - but it pissed me off. For one, other than asking her to accompany me to a couple places, and I think it's been literally TWO places she's gone with me to, I haven't asked her for a thing and she hasn't done shit other than to offer me stupid, useless "advice" about how I need to just "not think about it" and "get out more" as if that will somehow magically cure me of my intense anxiety and agoraphobia. In fact, with the exception of the past several months, NM has NEVER been there for me in ANY capacity. At least none that matters, and yet she has the gall to complain as if it's so hard being the fucking hero to my tragedy? Oh POOR NM!!! What the fuck ever.

Oh, just remembered another incident. So a week ago, NM asks if she could take DS to the local YMCA pool to swim for a bit. Wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea but told NM I'd talk with dh and get back to her the following morning. Dh agreed with me that he wasn't comfortable with the idea either and so I'd planned to tell NM it wasn't gonna happen. As it turned out, NM called the next day and said she wasn't going to go because it was too humid. Okay. Whatever. Then just this past Tuesday, NM mentions that she'd told DS - she'd watched him while dh went with me to a doctor's appointment - that she might take him to the pool Thursday if it was okay with dh and I. Was somewhat pissed but at least she'd bothered to add the part about needing to ask dh and I first which was a big change from before NC where NM used to ask DS first and then I was always made the bad guy for making them cancel plans. When I was talking with NM on the phone later that day, she mentioned taking DS to the pool again and I said, "We'll see." I know, I should have just told her then it wasn't going to happen but it had been a long, very anxiety-filled day and I wasn't in the mood for an argument just then. So NM goes, "What do you mean 'We'll see'? Why is it 'we'll see' now when you'd said I could take him before?" Didn't occur to me in the moment that I had NOT said yes that she could take him to the pool at ANY point. Instead, I felt guilty as if I HAD said that and then changed my mind so I just told her I had to check because NMIL had said something about taking DS out for some back to school stuff and I didn't know if that was going to be Thursday or Friday. Later however, I was like "WTF?! I NEVER said she could take him to the pool!".

And then today while I was talking with her, she mentioned that I sounded down and asked what was wrong. So, silly me, I told her about all that was going on, how I'd spoken over the phone with my therapist yesterday and found out that my T was leaving the practice and how I was upset over it, etc. I tell you, NM couldn't have been more uninterested. She might as well have just come out and said, "Oh shut up. I don't care about this. Let's talk about something more ME!". I just kind of got quiet at which point NM excused herself and said she had to go. Being only too willing to get off the phone with her then, I said fine and hung up.

Am just so disgusted with my NP's lately. Haven't heard anything more from NEF or NSM lately (thank the Lord) but I came across a post from the Emerging From Broken blog in which Darlene writes about her emotionally unavailable EF and how she was sick of his behavior always reaffirming how little she means/meant to him all these years. It really made me realize that that is precisely my issue with my own NEF - he always makes me feel like I don't matter. Like I'm not important enough or good enough for him to take notice and care. And truly, today with NM acting so uninterested in what is currently going on with me, I realized she doesn't care either. With FOUR parents, birth and steps, caring so little about me and my feelings, is it any wonder I have virtually zero self-esteem or sense of self-worth?

Have made the decision to try taking Zoloft starting tomorrow. From what I read online, it's supposed to be very useful in treating social anxiety as well as helping with persons with PTSD, which I've been suspected of having, so I'm hoping it relieves some of this horrible anxiety I've been having. With DS going back to school in just a couple weeks, I'm going to need all the help I can get. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


Honestly, I am getting so sick and tired of the whiny little bitches all over Facebook and elsewhere who get their panties in a snit because someone dares voice their opinion. Mind you, THEY are allowed to voice THEIR opinions whenever the hell they damn well feel like it but let me dare to take the same right for myself and suddenly the whining, pissing and moaning starts.

Case in point, my aunt N. My GM posted as her status something to the effect of, "Does anyone think that Romney sings better in that new ad than Justin Bieber does?" A couple people responded that they thought the ad in poor taste, my aunt N being the most vehement about that particular point among them. So I responded, "It's no different than any of the other political ads currently running, including Romney's own "endorsed by me" ads." She came back with a snarky, "Well *I* think it IS different. It crosses the line!" Whatever lady. Don't know what is up her ass lately. Maybe she's jealous that things are good with my NM again? Beats me. But I am very disappointed in her whole demeanor anymore. She's acting like a selfish, spoiled little brat.

She came back several hours later and wrote, "We all have our opinions and many have taken sides already. I hate the nastiness of this election, but the bottom line is that none of us should lose respect of others for this election. DA, I know that you're an Obama supporter and I respect that. However, I haven't made up my own mind and I'm really trying to keep an open mind. Not easy in this atmosphere." I have several issues with her comment:

1) This makes it sound like I was attacking her for her views when I was not. I was simply stating my opinion like everyone else in that thread.

2) She "hates the nastiness" and decries people losing respect? Funny, considering she's one of the worst offenders constantly posting very rude and insulting crap about Obama all the time.

3) Clearly she does NOT respect my opinion given her seeming need to always put down our President and "Like" all the nasty, disrespectful pictures and "jokes" that circulate the net about him.

4) Funny, seems to me she's made up her mind entirely seeing as how she's so anti-Obama every chance she gets and can speak no wrong of her Republican party. Keeping an open mind my ass. More like, "So long as you agree with ME on everything, then I'm open to hearing what you have to say. Otherwise, you should keep your mouth shut or else I'll attempt to publicly chastise and shame you all over Facebook since I can't handle anyone having a different opinion than me."

As for which side I supposedly support, aunt N has stated several times now - on Facebook of course - that she knows I am a staunch Democrat. Um....NO. I always have and always will vote for the guy (or gal) I think is the best candidate. I don't care if that person is from the Republican party or the Democratic party or some other party. I don't care if they are black, white, asian or whatever race. If I think he or she is the right person for the job, they have my vote. Period. Beyond that, I could care less what their sexual orientation is or what political party they claim to be affiliated with.

Bottom line, in my mind, there are certain things that are RIGHT and certain things that are WRONG. Someone stating openly, as Romney has, that if elected President he will do away with certain things and making statements that, to me, show he will cater to HIS people only is just wrong. Whenever one person or group tries to take all the power for themselves and crap on everyone who doesn't see things exactly as they do, that to me is wrong. How is it any different than a dictatorship or bullying?

At any rate, my intention wasn't to get into a political debate but to complain about my aunt N's whining and complaining all over Facebook simply because I dared to voice a different opinion than hers.

Now that I think about it though, negativity seems to be rampant everywhere these days. Perhaps it's a sign of the current economy? Whatever the case, the primary attitude these days seems to be treating others with disrespect and looking out for yourself. So many people seem so freaking touchy about the slightest thing. For example, a woman posted on an animal group on FB earlier today that she was "in need of boxer puppies". Because she didn't say she was "wanting to adopt" and/or used the word "puppies" plural instead of the singular "puppy", her shit got jumped left, right, up and down. When she dared say, "Uh...sorry. I was just looking for boxer puppies as I'm interested in getting one but apparently if I don't ask in the proper way, I'll find myself unnecessarily attacked. My bad.", she got attacked even worse. I attempted to contact her and let her know that I too had been attacked needlessly on that board very recently but she wasn't able to receive messages.

As for my own "offense" on that site, about a month ago, I'd posted saying I was looking for a puppy exercise pen. Shortly after that, we re-homed our Sibe mix puppy that we'd got and as I hadn't gotten a response to my inquiry, I forgot all about it. Well just the other day, some snarky bitch had to comment, "You just got rid of one dog and now you have PUPPIES??!!!". First off, what fucking business is it of hers even if I HAD gone out and gotten a bunch of puppies? Secondly, had she been literate or smart enough to think to check the date it was posted (though you'd think the fact that it was so far down the page would have given her some clue) she'd have noticed that I'd inquired about the puppy pen BEFORE getting rid of the pup. As if that wasn't bad enough, this bitch then went on to imply that I am some kind of puppy "flipper" who gets dogs for free and the turns around and sells them for profit. Funny, considering the lady we "sold" the pup to got him for FREE. Needless to say, between that little episode and then seeing that other lady attacked for no good reason, I left the group.

Will be interesting to see how my aunt N will respond to what I've written. I basically just stated that I wasn't singling anyone out or attacking anyone, I was simply stating my opinion like everyone else had. My GM later came back and said, "Fine. I'm going to vote for EJ (from Days of Our Lives soap opera, LOL) for President! How do you like THAT N?!!". Clearly she was trying to be silly but I'm betting my aunt N will either take her ball and go home and pout that everyone is "picking on her" or she'll come back with yet another bitchy, whiny response.

Am seriously considering quitting all social sites online entirely. Who needs the elementary school drama?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Need to comment on something...

Normally, I'd post about this over on the DoNM board but, since Danu locked the thread and since I didn't feel it appropriate to post about this over there lest it start any drama, I'm posting it here on my own blog.

Those of you who post over at the DoNM board may have received a private message recently from a poster by the name of "veryluckysallycherry". In this pm, VLSC talks about how she's sending this to warn us of Danu's malicious intents and supposed "god complex". She goes on to say how Danu has banned various people from her board without reason and that this practice is rampant and seems to be perpetrated mostly against Christians. She finishes her message by telling us that there are "many others", among whom she lists "Sweet Violet" and "Beccas12" as victims of Danu's supposed wanton banning.

This was nothing new to me. In fact, it was about three years ago now that I first heard about Violet and Becca being banned and contacted them to find out their side of the story for myself. The evidence they presented me with was somewhat compelling but it was their conviction that moved me the most. Truly, they were quite convincing. It shames me to admit that, initially, I bought into their whole "Danu is a malignant N with a god complex" delusion and even went so far as to vow to help them create a website to expose Danu. Together, several DoNM's set up camp on a FB group and went about compiling our "evidence".

It wasn't long however before I began to see many holes in their stories and supposed evidence. Still, I wanted to believe the best of them. Ever the good little people-pleasing DoNM, I was desperate to prove to them that I could be trusted and, thus, good enough to be called their friend. As more time went by however, it began to become apparent that these people were on a witch-hunt and that THEY were the narcissists, not Danu. This was confirmed for me one very horrible day.

Things were at an all-time low between my NM and me and I was right on the verge of going NC which, understandably, was causing me great emotional upset. So, seeking support, I posted about what I was feeling on the FB DoNM group. Imagine my pain and horror to find myself viciously - and most unnecessarily - attacked by some woman who had just joined the group the day previous. Trying to defuse the situation, I responded to this person by trying to clarify and said that, though it may not have been her intent, I was hurt and upset by her words. Instead of apologizing, this person attacked me again, more viciously this time and then left the group, supposedly because I had made it an "unfriendly, unsafe place to post"!

A couple of days later, I'd been pushed to my limit with my NM and went NC so was in a VERY bad place emotionally. On top of that, I felt completely blindsided and attacked by this mystery person - I was the ONLY person she'd responded to after joining the group...truly it seemed to me that she'd joined just to attack me and then run. When I voiced my fears and concerns about what had happened, I found myself attacked by the FB group - most of the members anyways - and then BANNED without reason or excuse. Despite the fact that *I* was the one so viciously attacked, *I* had been singled out as a "troublemaker" and then banned from the group, and at a time when I needed support from my "sisters" the most!

But that wasn't the end of it, oh no. "Sweet Violet" took it a step further and posted on the FB board (I know this because another DoNM who felt I'd been railroaded and judged unfairly told me of it after I was banned) that I had set up the attack myself as a means of drumming up business for my new website, a website that - remember - I had set up WITH Violet and Becca for ALL of us to run together as a place to display all of our gathered "evidence" against Danu! Truly, Violet's viciousness was about as nasty and venomous as any I've heard then or since. If that wasn't an N rage, I don't know what is.

Becca, for her part, tried to play psychiatrist with me and claimed I was just scared and was "seeing ghosts" where there really weren't any. This from the girl who I'd truly believed was a friend and had trusted. The final straw for me was when Becca attempted to try and get me to prove my loyalty to her yet again. It was having to prove my worth, having to show I was "good enough" to deserve her good treatment just as it had been with my NFOO all these years. Only this time, I wasn't having any of it and told her I wasn't interested and went my own way.

When it was all said and done, I went back to Danu, apologized for my part in the whole mess and asked for her forgiveness. Danu didn't gloat or criticize at all. Instead, she said there was nothing to forgive and she welcomed me back into her group with open arms. Doesn't sound like a malignant N with a god complex to me...?

And regarding the claim by VLSC that Danu has it in for Christians and that those banned were so shunned for expressing their beliefs.....utter and complete BULLSHIT. I am a Christian and have stated so many times on the DoNM board. I've also, albeit unintentionally, violated the rules in that regard on the DoNM board quite a few times yet, amazingly, I'm still a member and post regularly.

One final point that I find interesting - Violet and Becca were banned over THREE YEARS AGO yet continue in their mission to bring about the downfall of Danu and her site. Meanwhile, Danu has not spoken out against them or their group publicly and has, in fact, only just a few days ago, even mentioned them AT ALL. And even then, it was only to encourage everyone to research it themselves and come to their own conclusions. So I ask you, who is the real narcissist here?

It is my opinion, and you may take it and do with it what you will, that Danu is NOT a narcissist, she does NOT "have it in" for Christians nor does she ban them from her board willy nilly and that it is Violet that is the malignant narcissist with a god complex. (As for Becca, I fear she is simply a broken DoNM with many, many fleas who's fallen in with yet another N - Violet - and given herself over to her.)

I hope that if any of you have received the message from VLSC, that you will disregard it for the hogwash that it is and continue posting over at DoNM, secure in the knowledge that it is a safe forum in which to post and find support.

As for Violet and Becca, if you somehow find your way here and read this, I pray that you both are able to let go of the bitterness you continue to hold onto and find peace so that you can drop this ridiculous vendetta and move on with your lives.


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Update on NEF...

As far as contact goes, haven't heard a single thing since his last email to me. Would have thought he'd try to milk the situation or that NSM would have sent me a nasty email about how horrible I am given that I didn't even contact my father back after he announced he was DYING for pete's sakes (eyeroll) but, alas, not a peep. And of course no acknowledgment of my recent birthday either

DID find out however through NSM's sister - my step aunt who I call "Tanta" - that it turns out my NEF doesn't even have cancer! Am not sure what exactly has taken place. According to NEF's "cancer" email, he said he'd been diagnosed with cancer, that he'd had to have surgery and was expecting the results from the surgery/biopsy at the end of June. According to Tanta - who heard from my brother - NEF does not have cancer. So far though, that's all we know since my stupid brother refuses to say anymore and won't talk to me and I can't get my sister to call me or email me back.

How shitty to try and get me all freaked out on the day before my DS' birthday for what has turned out to be nothing, or at least not cancer! If there'd been any doubt that my NEF was an N before, there's certainly no doubt now!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Wow. Today just keeps getting better! (NOT.)

Got an email around 1pm today from some guy inquiring about the pup. I'd actually heard from him before. The last time he contacted me, I emailed him back with a few general questions like "Do you have a fenced yard?" and "Do you have other pets? Could we contact your vet?" which were questions suggested to us by the local Sibe rescue group to help us weed out good potential homes. I later called him and left a message and never heard anything back so I wrote him off and didn't give it another thought.

Forward to today. I get another email from the same guy saying he's interested and asking me to call him. I wasn't going to call but dh pressed me saying, "What do you have to lose? Maybe he'll wind up being a good home for the dog." So I called. BIG MISTAKE. This guy apparently had set me up pretending to be interested when what he REALLY wanted was to yell at me over the phone. He lit into me about asking personal questions that were none of my business, etc. I told him I respected his feelings and stated that these were just questions suggested to us by the Sibe rescue and that I wasn't trying to offend anyone. He continued to yell at me, told me my questions were "way out of line" and "total bullshit" and then said he was buying a dog from me off CRAIGSLIST for f**k's sakes and it wasn't even a full blooded husky w/ blue eyes. I told him I know that and had stated that clearly in the ad when I placed it and said if he wasn't interested in adopting my dog, that was fine but then he shouldn't have emailed me. He CONTINUED to yell at and berate me and then finally said he'd met a breeder in a nearby town who had full blooded huskies that would be ready in two weeks and he was going to go with THEM since THEY didn't ask bullshit personal questions. I said, "That's fine. Good luck with your new dog." and hung up.

Are you freaking KIDDING ME??!! Someone is going to bother themselves to set me up by sending an email pretending to be interested in the dog just to get me to call him so he can yell at me??? Why not just respond via email or, better still, just let it go? No. You have to be such an asshole that you set up women to call you so that you can verbally assault them. Loser. Have already told dh that I am totally doing a "do-over" birthday sometime this weekend.

Oh, and dh's cousin finally emailed him back. She said that what she was most pissed about was his joke re: the judge Judy comment. that warranted her attacking ME??! Screw the lot of them. Have told dh I'm setting up a new FB page and am only going to friend the few people who actually support and care about me. The rest, I'm going to slowly phase out and tell that I don't really have time for FB anymore until I finally delete the old page. Then I can be myself on the new page and to hell with everyone who is always criticizing me for every little thing I say and do online.

If anyone's still reading at this point, could use some prayers/good vibes/whatever for tomorrow morning. Have been having some female health issues that I'm going to get checked out tomorrow at the doctor's and am really nervous. Will let you know what they say when I get back tomorrow.

Happy fucking Birthday to me...

Several weeks ago, dh and I decided to purchase a Siberian husky mix pup from a lady who'd advertised them for sale on our local craigslist page. Truth be told, it was more of a rescue effort. Our pup was the only one left for sale - according to her though, ironically, after we got our pup, she listed two more for sale the following day. When we went to look at him, he was being kept on a screened porch that was riddled with urine and feces and the pup was covered in fleas.

I had actually wanted another malamute but dh felt it was too soon for him what with just having lost our beloved mal girl only a few weeks previous. 
We'd thought when we got him that a Siberian husky was very similar to an Alaskan Malamute only a bit more hyper and a little smaller. We've since come to find out we were not prepared at all for the level of exercise and constant stimulation that this little guy will apparently need - and this is just at 8 weeks of age, we shudder to think once he gets to be 6 months or a year or more - and so have made the tough decision to go about finding him a new home. Please note that it's not that we don't want him. We've grown very fond of our little furbuddy but we realize we need to do what's best for the dog and not us which is why we've decided to try and place Ninja with another family.

We realize that this was our mistake and accept full responsibility. As such, we have been trying to do the responsible thing by continuing to care for and train Ninja as we attempt to find him a new home. I've been working overtime posting ads online and contacting various rescue groups trying to get the pup placed. Have had 8 people contact me so far but only ONE has bothered to get back with me and follow through (though she wound up being unable to take the dog after all).

We've started to get a bit desperate at this point and have stepped up our efforts to try and find Ninja a good home. As part of that, I posted some pics online and asked my friends and family if they could share the pics on their FB walls to try and reach as many people as possible. Well, dh's cousin responded with the following:

My take on the responsibility of another life then you see it through until it is in safe hands. You are worried about the pup "getting too bonded to you" but your option is a shelter if you cannot find him a home???? What sense does that make? Contact some animal rescue groups or take responsibility for your actions and loving see it through until you find that pup a home. You chose him....not the other way around. My apologies if I am coming off as a bitch but this is a sore spot for me. You wouldn't have "dismissed" (your ds) if he cried too much as a baby?!?!?!?

I saw it and told dh about it and he logged online to respond. Dh wrote:

I am doing the responsible thing. When I say shelter I'm not talking about the pound. I'm talking about a no kill shelter where they would look to find him a good home. We knew almost right away when we got him that it wasn't the right fit for us. The breeder was more than willing to take him back but I didn't feel that was the best place for him (long story). So, instead we've been training him, talking care of him and trying to find him a great family. A good no kill shelter has vast more resources and people looking for good pets. We've already contacted some Sibe rescue groups but they won't take him because he's not a pure breed.

Dh then added, "And to quote Judge Judy. 'Equating a human child to a dog is absolutely ridiculous, madam.'" as a means of lightening the moment. Apparently dh's cousin didn't find the humor in it and/or was not satisfied with dh's response because her next comment to him was:

Sir, not owning up to your responsibility for your poor judgment is sign of a complete jackass. -That statement is made by me.

WTFH??!! Despite it all, dh and I decided to just drop it and went on with our evening as usual.

A very short bit later, I was chatting back and forth online with my friend Tanya who I often refer to on FB as "T" which, coincidentally happens to be the same first initial as dh's cousin. Well T is a very big fan of the group Die Antwoord, as am I. We're always posting D/A related stuff to one another so I thought nothing of it when I posted a pic of Ninja from D/A flipping a double bird with a smile on his face. I posted it and wrote, "This is for you T!" and put a after it. Well dh's cousin saw it, thought it was intended for HER and wrote to me:

Thanks for the "flip off". I expected no less. Spend less time watching tv and goofing on FB and give that puppy a walk. You might find out he is a better fit then you expected.

REALLY? She "expected no less"? So then exactly what kind of person does that say she thinks I am?! To me, this seriously crossed the line beyond her initial faux pas in addressing something like this publicly instead of messaging me privately which is what dh and I agree she should have done. Instead of laying into her though, I chose to respond simply, "The "flip off" was for my friend TANYA, who I often refer to as "T" on here. My mistake. But nice to know what you really think of your cousin's wife. Thanks."

Dh, however, was PISSED and sent her a private email saying that he was disappointed in her behavior and expected far more of her. He then said he felt she owed me a major apology for singling me out and attacking me when she has NO idea about all the work I put into ALL our animals and is just blindly casting judgments. As far as I know, we've yet to hear anything back from her.

Was really hurt and angered by the whole thing. Clearly, for some time now, I have been labeled as "that woman" that dh chose to marry who has dragged him down and ruined their perfect little happy family. Mind you, for the most part - though definitely not always - they are all sweet to my face, especially if dh is within eye/ear-shot, only to trash talk me behind my back and treat me like crap whenever dh isn't around. Am angered but also deeply hurt. What the hell is it about me that everyone seems to find so horribly "bad" or "wrong"? No matter what I do, it's never good enough and I'm so sick and tired of it. I have done nothing but be kind and respectful toward all of these people. I'M the one they call when they need a favor or an ear to listen to them. And when dh's cousin came out to the family that she was a lesbian and introduced her partner to everyone, *I* was the ONLY one who welcomed her partner with open arms and didn't set to talking shit about her behind her back and calling her things like a "freak" and "abnormal" the way the rest of them did. I have been nothing but nice only to have them shit on me time and time again. Told dh last night I'm done with all of them. Am sick of being hurt and disrespected.

As if that wasn't bad enough, dh and I are on FB last night and apparently NSIL and NBIL - and of course you can bet NMIL and NFIL were there too - had some big 4th of July pool party at their house and, as seems to be the usual lately, dh and I weren't invited. I mean, it's one thing not to invite us but to then turn around and post pics of the event all over FB? That's just rude. On the other hand, I feel a bit bad for dh that his family's obvious issues with me seem to now be causing him to be excluded and treated badly as well.

Anyhoo, as a result of all this negativity, I slept horribly last night and woke up with an upset stomach and feeling nauseous. Not exactly how I'd wanted to spend my birthday but, I can't say I'm surprised. It seems dh's family finds new ways every year to ensure I know just how UN-special they think me and my day are. Happy fucking Birthday to me.

Monday, June 18, 2012

The trouble with IL's...

Am just feeling downright fed up lately. 

Things have always been......not good with the IL's (boy is THAT putting it mildly), particularly between MIL and I. In the beginning, it was that she was trying to always teach me how to be a "good" wife to her GC son, my dh, meaning just like her - totally subservient to her man. Truly, my dh was in college when I met him yet MIL continued to do everything for him short of bathing him and wiping his ass for him. She put his paychecks into his bank account and balanced his account, she bought things for him, she cleaned his room, did his laundry, cooked for him...she even went and bought flowers for me on dh's behalf (back when dh and I were dating) and filled out the attached card!

Once dh and I got married and he moved out, MIL was extremely intrusive. If she wasn't here on one of her many unannounced visits, she was calling non-stop. Never for anything important or for anything that couldn't wait, just to 'see what we were doing'. This understandably caused great issues between dh and I since he saw no issue with it and I grew ever more resentful of his mother's constant interfering in our marriage.

Things went from bad to REALLY bad when dh and I finally got pregnant. MIL and FIL began stopping by almost daily - totally unannounced of course since it's not like we'd be doing anything more important than their need to be in our business - and would call here at least a dozen times a day. Literally. It got so bad and began to cause me so much stress that I took to turning the phone off during the day. Of course they'd just call in the evening when dh got home from work and would turn the phone back on. Most irritating of all is how they'd ask how THEIR baby was doing that day. Truly, I felt as if I were merely the incubator of THEIR child. And it didn't get better once ds was finally born either. Rather it got even worse. Much, MUCH worse. In fact, the night I went into labor, despite dh and I telling everyone we did NOT want anyone coming to the hospital, MIL had FIL drop her off there on his way to work and she spent the entire 28 hours that I wound up being in labor (until finally having to undergo an emergency c-section) sitting in the waiting room and calling NON-FREAKING-STOP the entire time. Here I am in the midst of major contractions - 26 hours of which I went through UN-medicated mind you - and dh is busy on the phone with his damn NP's who seemed not to give a damn for what I was going through or needed at that moment.

Once ds was born and we'd brought him home, my IL's were over here constantly and always putting their noses into everything, from what we'd named ds to how I cared for him. It was nothing out of the ordinary for MIL to "drop by" and stay here for over 7 hours at a time. Once, during one of her "visits", I'd been lying in our bed with dh and the baby and got up to go to the bathroom. When I came back a couple minutes later, I found MIL lying in MY place, in MY bed with MY dh and ds! I felt gut punched at the violation. Our family bed was/is a sacred place in a way and MIL had carelessly violated that without a second thought. Truly, I think if she could have moved in and gotten rid of me completely, she'd have been in heaven.

Of course this caused many problems between dh and I. We had many a fight over the issue - my wanting to limit our contact with his P's a bit and him seeing absolutely nothing wrong with their constant intrusions. Finally however, I wore dh down enough that he agreed to go over to my IL's house with me and try to talk to his P's to get them to back off a bit. Needless to say, it did NOT go well. They clearly did not give a damn about what we were feeling and it was obvious that they felt I had put dh up to this as clearly HE would never have taken issue with their constant intrusion. Finally I'd had enough and said to them - respectfully and through gritted teeth - "Look. We get that you love ds and we love that you care so much. But what you don't understand is that, for a long time, we didn't think we'd ever have a child of our own. After three rounds of fertility meds and 6 years of trying, we'd begun to resolve ourselves that we'd never have a child of our own." It was at this point that FIL interrupted me and said, "NO. What YOU don't understand is that WE'VE been waiting for this moment longer than YOU." At that point, I was done and dh and I left.

Ds is now 6 years old and the ONLY reason they've backed off at all is because NSIL and NBIL had a baby a year ago and gave MIL free access to that child. Truly, he's more of MIL's son as she is his full-time caretaker and NBIL and NSIL can't seem to be bothered to be parents...........well, at least not unless they've got an audience to put on a show for, in which case suddenly they become "Parents of the Year". But up till that point, it was a constant battle to assert myself as ds' mother. And heaven forbid anyone dare point out that ds have anything of ME in him. Oh no, to listen to my IL's, dh immaculately conceived ds all on his own, ds has only dh's family DNA in him and I was just the convenient incubator who carried him in my womb for 10 months before going through 28 hours of labor and a c-section. In fact, if I hadn't put my foot down, MIL would have been the first to hold my child before I'd even gotten a chance to!

Once SIL came into the picture, even back when she and BIL were still just dating, it was clear she was the GC who could do no wrong. In many, many ways, NSIL is a carbon copy of NMIL. Without ever coming straight out and saying so, NMIL has told me in many ways, many times how NSIL is the sort of woman she wishes dh had married instead of someone like me. In fact, once, while on our way to drop MIL off at work (I was borrowing her car that day so I could get ds to preschool), I happened to mention to her a comment NSM had made to me about how my MIL probably would have wished dh had chosen a woman like NSIL for his wife, MIL said nothing for a few seconds and then said to me, " doesn't really matter because dh chose you, right?" And the way she said it, it was clear that she agreed 100% with NSM's comment. I felt so hurt that day. Before then, it was just what I assumed MIL felt. But, after that, there was no going back. Now I KNEW beyond a doubt how she felt/feels.

Now that NSIL and NBIL are married, whenever we have to get together for family get-togethers, it's like I might as well not even exist. NMIL and NSIL ignore me almost entirely. If I attempt to engage them in conversation or join in to what they're doing, they often stop, look at me like a disgusting three-headed insect and then go right back to what they were talking about. It's nothing for them to walk off and not acknowledge me at all.

This was the case just last Thursday. Ds had been playing t-ball with the local parks and rec league and had games Tuesdays and Thursdays. Because of my anxiety and panic attack issues, I wasn't able to attend all ds' games but as Thursday was his last game and I knew they planned to award certificates and trophies to all the kids, of course I had to be there. A few minutes before we were to leave, NMIL calls and informs us that NSIL is tagging along. Great. Normally when I'd go, at least NMIL would talk to me a little bit which would be enough to help with my anxiety somewhat but, of course, with NSIL there, I knew I might as well be there alone. And since it was a particularly bad anxiety day for me anyhow, I was really pissed.

As expected, the entire time we were there, NMIL and NSIL barely spoke two words to me. In fact, I got stuck taking care of NSIL's kid - who, while I know is innocent, admittedly I have something against because of his parents and generally don't like being around - while NMIL and NSIL sat there enjoying themselves and chatting away. Well, until a few of the other women there took notice of the baby at which point, having an audience, NSIL stepped up and had to play mommy.

Generally, now that NMIL always seems to have to babysit NBIL and NSIL's brat, ds only gets to see NMIL on Saturdays when he goes over there to visit. Ds loves to go over there because he never gets to see his "nana" anymore now that the new baby is here and because they live in the country and have a huge yard. Dh and I usually use that time to do certain errands or just to spend some time alone together. Then, on Sundays, NMIL will usually come by to visit with ds for a couple hours between morning church and evening church (yes, she goes TWICE on Sundays) but of course she has to go home and feed NFIL first lest he call her nonstop whining that he's hungry until she relents and goes back home to feed him.

Of course, selfish NSIL and NBIL enjoy free time what with being so tired from having NMIL take care of their kid all the time and often walk over, ring NMIL's doorbell, shove the baby at her and tell her they are off to wherever and will be back whenever. This especially upsets me because a) ds counts on having that time with his nana and papa since he never gets to see them hardly anymore and b) dh and I need that time to ourselves to re-charge and whatnot. They also tend to plan all their stuff on the weekends, thereby making it impossible for ds to go over there to visit with NMIL as well. A perfect example was this past Saturday.

NSIL and NBIL's kid's bday was last week. The entire family, save for dh was off Friday and dh gets off work at noon on Fridays. Could they have had the party on Friday? NO, of course not, they had it Saturday and right in the middle of the day so that it made no sense for ds to visit with his GP's. More annoying, at least to me, was that they had to make a HUGE show of it. They rented out this kids play place - ds was the only 6 year old at the party, all the other kids were around 1 year old as well - and had this huge affair, including a specially made cake from some high-priced bakery that NSIL is always raving about. Dh looked it up online and it was $300 merely to rent out the place. That didn't include all the food, cake and party favors that they bought for the affair. To each his own I suppose but, to me, it was all a big show designed to show off and make themselves look like the wonderful parents they aren't.

I, of course, did not go - much to all of their delight, I'm sure - because it was further out than I can travel currently with my anxiety issues as well as being a loud, crowded, noisy place which is a huge trigger for my panic attacks. More to the point, not one of them asked why I wasn't going or tried to persuade me to go. In fact, I might as well not even have existed at that moment for all they seemed to care. I'm sure NMIL, as always, was glad to have her entire perfect family, sans me, around her all day.

But the final kicker for me was yesterday when NMIL gave dh a Father's Day card with a gift card in it for him. What's the big deal you say? Well, let's see...for Mother's Day, I got a card that was simply signed by NMIL. No gift and no special note of caring written within like dh's card. More than that though, was that for my bday last year, I got a hastily written "Happy Birthday" on my Facebook wall, written at the very end of the day no less, whereas dh and NSIL - whose bdays happen to fall on the same day - got a special dinner, a balloon each, a card and a small gift each. My next birthday will be in a couple of weeks and I'm dreading it because of the huge NON-event it will be made out to be. If NMIL at least treated NSIL equally with me, I could handle her making more out of her son's bday. But to do so much and acknowledge NSIL all the time only to ignore me and single me out is just so very hurtful.

I told dh the other night that I'd HAD it and was done. I was going to limit my contact as much as possible with NMIL and NSIL. I wouldn't go full NC - though I'd like to - but I wasn't going to go out of my way anymore for any of them. If dh chooses to acknowledge their bdays or whatever, that is now fully on him. I want no part of it as I am sick and tired of being treated like shit, disrespected and treated like a non-entity when I'm around them.

I think what hurts the most is that I'd really hoped and expected dh's family to be the family I'd always wanted and never had. I'd hoped to find a mother-figure in NMIL and to have a sisterly relationship with NSIL. For a while, things seemed to be improving and I dared to have hope. And now it's clear that, much like my own NFOO, dh's family doesn't give a shit about me either. And why? For no other reason than I am who I am. 

It hurts so much to be hated simply for being yourself. It's so unfair. :o(

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


My wonderful NFIL decided to do dh and I a "favor" recently by way of offering to pay us $100 if we would wash his gutters and soffits on his house. We didn't have to clean the inside of the gutters, just basically wash the exterior to get the dirt off. Dh and I figured it would take us an hour, tops, which would mean we'd make $100 for an hour's work. Not too shabby, right? So we told NFIL we'd do it. Lesson learned.

As it worked out, we showed up to NFIL's place at 10am on the hottest day so far this season - it wound up getting up to nearly 91 degrees that day - to find out that not only did he not have any of the proper tools for the job but NFIL also apparently expected us to wash the entire HOUSE (siding) as well as the gutters and soffits! Looking back, we should have told NFIL right there, "This is not what we agreed to. If you want to negotiate a price for us washing the rest of the house, fine. Otherwise, we're sticking to the original agreed-upon project." But, because dh and I are desperately in need of money lately, we took on the job.

After about 45 minutes of waiting around on NFIL to get back from getting gas - he told us not to start until he got back - and then another hour of trying to do the job with sub-par supplies, I'd had enough and called NM to see if we could borrow their pressure washer. Thankfully, they said it was fine and they only live just around the corner from my NIL's so dh and I drove over to get it. As it turned out, NM also had a scrubber brush with an extending handle so that dh and I could reach the highest parts of the house without having to go up and down the ladder ever few seconds which was another huge time saver.

It got hot outside quite quickly and it wasn't long before I had to go inside to cool down because I was feeling sick from the intense heat. I never did quite recover enough to go back outside and help so poor dh, God bless him, wound up doing the entire house by himself. And where was NFIL all this time? If he wasn't off working in his stupid garden, he was harassing dh and bitching about every little thing, saying dh missed this spot or needed to wash the house THIS way - read HIS way - instead of the way dh was doing it. Between the intense heat and the constant back and forth bickering of NFIL and dh, I was out.

What should have been an easy 1 hour job wound up being a SEVEN HOUR JOB. It was only in the home stretch on the last side of the house that NFIL finally got off his lazy ass and offered to genuinely help dh out. Of course that was only because dh was "taking too long" to finish the job! By the time we got home Saturday night, poor dh was totally wiped out. Worst of all though was that he had a very painful 2nd degree sunburn on his shoulders. We'd been in the shade for the first hour so didn't think to put on sunscreen right away - another lesson learned.

By the time it was all done, not so much as a thank you from NFIL. Figures. We felt the LEAST he could do, seeing as how it had turned into such an enormous job with us having to borrow equipment from NM for  crying out loud, that NFIL could have offered a bit more money, even just $50 more dollars but, of course, no. In fact, we only got $60 of the total amount and had to wait an extra day for the remainder.

Forward to yesterday, MIL (or should it be NMIL?) was here visiting with ds. At one point, we're chatting about poor dh - who was napping at the time - and MIL has the audacity to make a "joke" about how dh ought to have known better and put sunscreen on right away, going so far as to say that she had noticed it and knew he'd regret it. Really? Then why not SAY something, bitch?!! She then went on to say to that NFIL was "joking" about how dh is such an "indoor boy" and clearly can't handle outdoor work (read MAN'S work) outside! Talk about pissed! I said nothing to MIL at that time but I vowed to myself NEVER again will we do those people anymore "favors". Dh and I are constantly doing this or that for them. Meanwhile, the golden duo, NBIL and NSIL, sit over there next door in their big, fancy house and can't even be bothered to watch their own kid. Hell, the most "outdoor work" NBIL has ever done is sitting on his fat ass by his in-ground pool drinking a beer, yet MY dh gets insulted and after working his ass to the bone for over 7 hours and suffering 2nd degree sunburn for his efforts??! To hell with the lot of them! The next time they want something done, they can damn well HIRE someone professional to do it for them or do it themselves because THESE two doormats are officially retired!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Got an email from NEF after no contact for just over a year...

It's been just over a year since I last spoke to my NEF. In his last email to me, he basically blew me off, put all the blame on ME for our relationship being what it is - despite the fact that I was only about 11 or 12 when he last walked out on me - and told me if what I'd said was how I really felt that I should end the relationship. Prior to that, he'd also insulted me and my home by stating flat out that my home was 'too small' for his and NSM's taste and that it was 'boring' spending time at my house with me whenever they bothered themselves to visit me fit me into their vacation time with their friends who live about an hour from me. When I'd confronted him about what he'd said, he flat out lied and claimed he'd never made such a comment nor would he ever.

Since then, I have had zero contact from him save one call attempt this past April. It was the day before my DS' birthday and I had been on the phone with NM at the time (who continues to be on great behavior ironically enough) and didn't answer. Just over a month later, this past Sunday, I received this email from NEF in my inbox. The subject line read simply "cancer". Nice, eh?

Hi [DA], I have tried calling you but you did not pick up. I miss our talks on the phone. I hope all is well with you guys. I just thought you might want to know that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the end of March. I have been in and out of the hospital for a few months. I just had surgery on May 8. I am at home now recuperating. I hope to get back to work in 4 to 6 weeks. I go back to see the doctor on the 30th of May. I should get the results back then. God's Peace be with you! Love you guys! Dad

For the first couple seconds, I had an initial adrenaline rush of panic. About all I saw was the word "cancer" and my NEF's name and I, of course, thought the worst. Despite the fact that he's a rabid, malignant N, he's still my father and, right or wrong, I love him for that reason alone. I don't like to think of anyone dying from cancer, even if it is someone who's brought almost nothing but pain and heartache to my life. After the initial shock however, I forced myself to re-read the email and tried to be rational about it. I told myself to pay attention to the wording, that this was obviously a hoovering attempt on their part to reign me back in. I then reminded myself that many men, my FIL included, have dealt with or are dealing with prostate cancer and 9 times out of 10, it's not a big deal at all. In fact, I know of two men in particular whose doctors haven't done anything about it except to say they would "keep an eye on it". That's how little of a deal it apparently is.

More than anything, yes I'm hurt, but I'm also just angry. The way NEF's email reads to me is, "I have tried calling you but, being the disappointment of a daughter you are, you didn't pick up despite the fact that I have done nothing to deserve such treatment from you. You SHOULD know - and you WOULD know if you bothered to ever call me like a good daughter should call her father - that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the end of March. WOE IS ME! I've been in and out of the hospital for a few months. If you were any kind of a GOOD daughter, you not only would have known about all that is going on but you'd have been there at my side, holding my hand and comforting me. Instead, I was forced to go through it and my subsequent surgery alone. Despite it all, I am at home now recuperating. Unfortunately, I'll likely still be expected to go back to work in 4 to 6 weeks. Seems a saint's work is never done. I go back to see the doctor on the 30th of May. I should get the results then. You'd better have called me by then to find out how I'm doing or else it will prove what a horrible, rotten, disappointment of a daughter you really are. Love you guys! Dad".

Nowhere is there mention of how I might be doing or how my life is going. There is no apology for how horribly he spoke to me last or for throwing me under the bus - yet AGAIN - and trying to make ME out to be the bad guy in everything. Nowhere does he ask what he can do to make things right or to fix things between us. It's all about HIM. What HE wants. What HE needs. What HE misses or desires. And it's all strung together with a heaping dose of guilt for being such a horrible daughter and not being there for him in his time of need. Nevermind what a shitty father he's been, clearly HE doesn't deserve this and I'd better shape up and get back into line! And once again the message is loud and clear - I don't matter. He doesn't care about me, only what I can do for him.

On a GOOD day I wouldn't need this shit, this incessant N game-playing and narcissistic drama that promises only further hurt and chaos. But I especially don't need it so soon after the loss of my sweet furbaby which has hit me quite hard and thrown me for a loop. Such a loss is bad enough in and of itself but coupled with an anxiety disorder and PTSD, it's downright unbearable at times. Things ARE improving but I'm still very much grieving right now and the last thing I need is some malignant narcissist coming along and trying to put the spotlight on them in the midst of my pain and suffering.

If my NEF had approached me and said anything that could remotely be construed as caring or giving a shit, I very likely would - at the very least - give him an opportunity to say what he had to say and hear him out. But over a year of NO CONTACT whatsoever from him followed by an attempt to call and drop this bomb in my lap, the day before my son's birthday no less, and now some bullshit email titled "cancer" in which he can't even be bothered to pretend to give a shit about me and I'm supposed to what? Run up to his home state and hold his hand? Rush to the phone and call him up and apologize for being a horrible daughter? Whatever. In the words of Die Antwoord, Fok Julle Naaiers "daddy".