Dh back-tracked and told NMIL that she'd have to talk to me and so she reluctantly asked to speak to me. When I told her we had plans between 3 and 5pm that day, she said she'd have to check with NSIL to see what their schedule was, what time they wanted to leave, what time they planned to come back home, etc. Clearly what is convenient for US and OUR family doesn't even register. It's all about what NBIL and NSIL want.
So now I clearly have to talk with dh and I'm dreading it because I know it's going to wind up in us having yet another argument with him claiming to have my back all the while he's taking his family's side and trying to discourage me from "making a big deal out of nothing". My plan is to tell dh that I am no longer willing to be disrespected by his mother and that since he has shown that he cannot or will not handle it as promised, he's left me no other option but to either sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect me or to take a stand and handle it myself. I also plan to tell him that I strongly resent being put into yet another lose/lose situation by him by way of either being unhappy and disrespected by his mom or fighting with him and having him angry at me for daring to stand up and refuse to continue to allow the mistreatment.
I just wish I knew what it would take for dh to see their bad behavior for what it is and DO something about it. He talks a big game, says he has no problem confronting his family and standing up to them yet at every turn, he seems to find any excuse he can not to have to upset them in any way, even if it means repeatedly throwing me and our marriage under the bus.
So now I clearly have to talk with dh and I'm dreading it because I know it's going to wind up in us having yet another argument with him claiming to have my back all the while he's taking his family's side and trying to discourage me from "making a big deal out of nothing". My plan is to tell dh that I am no longer willing to be disrespected by his mother and that since he has shown that he cannot or will not handle it as promised, he's left me no other option but to either sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect me or to take a stand and handle it myself. I also plan to tell him that I strongly resent being put into yet another lose/lose situation by him by way of either being unhappy and disrespected by his mom or fighting with him and having him angry at me for daring to stand up and refuse to continue to allow the mistreatment.
I just wish I knew what it would take for dh to see their bad behavior for what it is and DO something about it. He talks a big game, says he has no problem confronting his family and standing up to them yet at every turn, he seems to find any excuse he can not to have to upset them in any way, even if it means repeatedly throwing me and our marriage under the bus.
In so many ways, my dh is a wonderful man. He's an amazing father, a great provider and he's stuck by my side through things that likely would have made most other men walk. In just about any circumstance, I trust in my heart 100% that I can count on him to be there for me and have my back. But when it comes to his family - especially his mother - I feel like a complete afterthought. If it means taking a stand and simply asking for respect for me/us, forget it. Dh will make up an excuse if need be rather than stand up to them.
I'm just so sick of this situation.
I understand where you are coming from, but I also think you're limited in what you can expect from your husband in changing his relationship with his parents. However, you can put your foot down and say DS will not participate. Let your husband deal with his parents alone and maybe he will change or maybe he'll continue to see them. But you don't have to participate in their insanity.
ReplyDeleteHope this doesn't sound sanctimonious. I'm kind of going through a thing like this with my inlaws as well.
I both agree and disagree with Vicarious here. I agree because, ultimately, there isn't anything you can do about how your DH chooses to handle his NPs (and it sounds to me like he is throwing you under the bus...a feeling I know very, very well and I'm sorry that's the case) save for continuing to communicate with him about it. BUT, having been there (and sometimes we still are there) I tend to want to micromanage everything in the hopes that something will change. (Like, damn it, if he isn't going to do what needs to be done, then let me at 'em and I'LL do it my damn self). And my DH fought me on it every step of the way. Gosh, I SO feel for you because I know exactly what you are describing.
DeleteYou've even used some of the same phrases I've used to describe how I've felt about how my DH was handling our situation with his NFOO. Specifically:
"My dh, who had told me the last time this issue came up that he would "handle it" - he didn't - just stood there and said, "Oh! That sounds great!"." (OH GOD! "Handle it." I fucking hate that phrase. And my DH used it all the time. And all it really meant was that he wasn't going to do a damn thing, he was going to play the "nice" guy with his NM, and sometimes he'd hide the whole interaction from me to boot.)
"I've little doubt that dh would have said/done NOTHING. Yet he has the gall to get mad at me because I don't trust him to handle it."
"it's going to wind up in us having yet another argument with him claiming to have my back all the while he's taking his family's side and trying to discourage me from "making a big deal out of nothing"."
"repeatedly throwing me and our marriage under the bus." (Can't tell you how many times I used that exact phrase to describe what I felt DH was doing).
So I know how this feels and it sucks. It just plain sucks. And the only thing that Vicarious said that I disagree with (if I can really call it disagreeing) is that you should "let your husband deal with his parents alone." I don't think that will work out and I think that he'd probably just settle right in there willingly because what he probably wants is precisely that: for you to "butt out" of the relation-shit he's got going on with his NM. That would be so comfortable for him.
Then again, V makes a good point that you're limited in what you can expect from him. In the end, it's up to him to decide to put his wife and marriage (and son) first.