Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Want your opinions on NC letter...

Okay so, I keep going back and forth but, overall, I know that it has to be NC for me because I clearly cannot handle LC in any form with NM. The only confusing thing for me is that while part of me would like to be able to contact her should I want to, truthfully, I want nothing to do with her really. It's like, I don't want to talk to her, I just want to hold on on that remaining string "just in case" or whatever. Confusing, right? Anyhow, despite that, I'm feeling that I will wind up going back NC only, this time, I'd like to send an official NC letter.

As much as I'd LOVE to really blast NM all to hell in the letter, as all my DoNM sisters (and my wonderful dh) so smartly pointed out, no good whatsoever would come of it. The only thing that would come of it would be for NM to gain ammo which she could then use to further her victim status and I refuse to help her in that regard so that will just have to remain an unfulfilled wish of mine I guess.

Dh suggested I keep my NC letter short, sweet and to the point. Be firm, but polite so as to give NM as little ammo to use against me as possible and so that, when she inevitably DOES pass it along to extended FOO as evidence of my "badness", they will likely see nothing negative about it. At least nothing that would prove me to be unnecessarily cruel or unkind to NM. After much editing and re-editing, here's what I've come up with:

I thought I could handle having a relationship with you again but I can't. It's not that I don't love you – because I do - and you haven't done anything since we started talking again, I just am not in a place where I can handle having a relationship with you right now. If and when the time comes that I am ready, I will let you know.

Until then,


What do you all think? The part about NM supposedly not having done anything since we began speaking again irked me slightly but, as I have no concrete proof beyond my own gut instinct that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment when she didn't speak to me for those two weeks, bringing it up would be somewhat pointless and, again, only serve to give NM ammo against me. I feel I also achieved my goal of not making me look bad when NM forwards it to the entire extended FOO upon receiving it. I have to say though, it was TOUGH to be so nice about it. It feels like I'm admitting defeat and she's "winning" which just chaps my ass to no end. But, as dh also pointed out ala "Dr. Phil", do I want to be RIGHT or do I want to get past this, heal and move forward? The answer is, while I'd LOVE to be right for once, much more than that, I'd like to heal and move forward.

On a bit of a related side note, as I was typing this, I was trying to figure out what NM's response would be. Since we started chatting again, NM has been trying to negotiate a table from me that I currently have for sale in my shop. Basically, NM doesn't want to pay the $100 so has been trying to barter with me. I'm not opposed to a trade but, so far, all NM has offered me is crap. At any rate, I feel very certain that NM's only comment to me in response to this NC letter is to ask if she can still have the table before we go our separate ways. When I mentioned my thoughts to dh, he gave me a sad smile and said, "Sadly, I can totally see her responding with that." If NM doesn't mention getting the table first, I will be seriously shocked. That's how sure I am that that will be at least part of her response. (For the record, any response from her will be read by dh after which point she will be once again blocked from sending any future emails.)

Wish there was some other option to try but I've once again found myself with no where left to go but NC.

Feeling pissed off and down today...

This started last year actually. MIL had been pushing dh to take ds to the zoo. Every chance she got, she'd bring it up. Well, then SIL got some coupons that would give us a discount to the zoo and MIL really stepped up her pushing to the point that dh was ready to go. 

What's the problem, you ask? Well, for one, the zoo is located WAY out of my 'safe zone' with regards to my anxiety/PTSD. It's about an hour and 45 minute drive from where we live and anything outside of 20 minutes or so is hugely anxiety producing for me and I tend to avoid anything outside that circle. Then there's the fact that the zoo is HUGE and is basically an all day thing involving LOTS of walking, which I cannot do. I've had two back surgeries and have other issues that have stemmed from that. Basically, the longer/more I walk, the more painful my lower back and side gets and if I push it too far, then I'm in horrid pain. 

The zoo DOES offer buses/trams to get you from certain areas of the zoo to another area BUT, because of my anxiety, I don't ride passenger on anything. Day to day, if I can't drive, I don't go. Period. I CAN occasionally ride with dh as the driver but that's it. I don't ride with anyone else. And since I don't think the zoo is going to let me drive the bus/tram, that's out of the question. So basically, going to the zoo for me (at least at this time) is physically and emotionally out of the question.

When the issue come up last year and dh seemed to be intent on taking ds with MIL, I had a serious talk with dh and told him I was really upset at the thought of them going. I felt and feel that certain things - like ds' first trip to the zoo - is something that his parents, BOTH his parents, should do with him, that it should be him and I with MIL as the tag along and not dh and his mom (MIL) taking ds while I remain at home. After a long discussion and much back and forth, dh finally (albeit somewhat reluctantly) agreed to put the trip off until this year at which point we'd re-evaluate my health.

I've come a long way with my anxiety issues but I still can't ride passenger and I still have my issue of not being comfortable traveling outside a certain 'safe zone' area. Dh recently brought up the zoo issue again briefly but not much was said about it and I'd thought the issue was settled for now. Well, ds was over at my IL's for the weekend a week or so ago and SIL helps ds send an email to dh and I that reads, "Daddy can I go to the zoo?". I felt/feel MIL was likely the one to bring it up yet again and coaxed ds into sending it and so, I was PISSED. What IS it with these people - almost entirely MIL - pushing to take ds to the zoo so freaking much? I get that it's nice to take ds to these sorts of things because he enjoys them and it's fun to do as a family but a) I'M his MOTHER, NOT MIL and b) there are other things closer to home, things that *I* can also participate in that don't involve excluding me!

For example, I found a local smaller zoo that is only about 30 minutes from where we live. Still a little outside my comfort zone but much more "do-able", ya know? Not only that but it's like a safari type thing where you can either take a horse-drawn wagon through the place OR you can ride in your own vehicle which I thought was pretty cool. Best of all, the animals are all free-roaming and come right up the car where you can see and feed them. I've been to the bigger zoo many times on field trips when I was in school and you can't see half the animals because the enclosures are so damn big and/or the animals don't want to venture outside and be seen for whatever reason. And other than some possible farm animals in the petting zoo section, you certainly can't feed or pet and get up close and personal with any of the animals.

I mentioned this smaller zoo idea to dh earlier and he was all, "Sounds lame. I think ds would like the larger zoo a LOT better." Well, YEAH, he probably would but I can't GO to the bigger zoo which means, if they go, I'll have to sit at home, all alone. Worse, you can bet MIL will be there front and center, playing mommy to MY ds and having a wonderful time.

I've been doing so good with my anxiety issues. I've stuck with the therapy, done everything and then some that my T has told me to do and worked my ass off to try and get better. I've even pushed myself to go outside my comfort zone on numerous occasions and have been making a huge effort to do more stuff outside the home with ds, like when we went bowling the other week. I had much anxiety the whole time but I went because I want ds to remember doing fun stuff with BOTH his parents and not look back and say, "I had a lot of fun with my nana and dad but mom was always home with her anxiety and back issues." So even though I paid for the it the next day with back pain, I went bowling and am glad I did because ds had a great time and seeing him smile made it all worth it.

I just wish that MIL would back the fuck off and quit trying to play mommy to my ds and that dh would stand up for me and work WITH me on some things a bit more. Like this local, smaller zoo. Okay, so it's not as awesome as the big zoo but so what? It's a zoo, ds would love it (we watched the little video on the site and ds said it looked fun) and, best of all, we could ALL go together as a family. Instead, dh says we can "work on" my anxiety and stuff so that I can go to the larger zoo. (The loose "plan" between dh and MIL is to go to the zoo within the next month or two. Gee, that should be PLENTY of time for me to magically erase years worth of trauma and anxiety! NOT.) 

As for MIL, she brings up going to the zoo at least once every other week lately. The next time she brings it up, I think I'm going to have to be blunt and say something like, "ENOUGH about the zoo already! When DH and I are ready to take OUR son to the zoo, we'll let you know. Until then, this matter is no longer up for discussion." as clearly my previous, subtle comments have not been heard by her.

I wish so much I had a friend or relative I could count on and vent to. My four "parents" aren't worth a shit, my IL's tend to see me as "over-reacting" or "too sensitive" and/or side with their son 99.9% of the time and I have no friends that I can call up or go visit and talk to. I DO have my aunt N who will listen and be sympathetic but a) she's going through some serious stuff right now with her IL's failing health and b) since she works a lot, it generally takes her a few days to respond via email.

I suppose I should say here that, generally speaking, dh is very loving and supportive. I couldn't have made it as far as I have in my healing process without his steadfast love and support and I love and appreciate him very much. But when it comes to his mother, it's like his head goes out the window sometimes and he's blind to her manipulations. As for MIL, she and I generally get along okay but when it comes to my ds, we've had issues from day one. I felt then and continue to feel to a large degree that she sees herself as more of a mother to ds than a GM and, as ds' mother, I find this to be a threat and I don't like it. Actually, I don't know that it's so much that she sees herself as ds' mother as it is that she doesn't seem to acknowledge that there should be certain boundaries that, as ds' GM, she shouldn't cross.

*I* am ds' mother. *I* carried him in MY womb for nearly 10 months and it was ME who went through 26 hours of un-medicated labor and complications resulting in an emergency c-section to bring him into this world, NOT MIL. As I said just previously, there are certain things, boundaries, IMHO, that it's just understood aren't to be crossed. Things that are for a child's PARENTS to have the right and privilege to do with their child. Things that MIL seems to think she has a right to step forward and push to do, like the zoo thing or ds' first Easter Egg hunt. Dh and I showed up at the church only to have MIL snatch ds up and refuse to put him down the entire time we were there. She walked around with MY child in her arms and helped him collect eggs as if SHE were his mother instead of me. When I finally had enough and said something to dh, he defended MIL saying that she was just excited about showing him off to her church lady friends.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's important for ds to have a good relationship with his GP's and I encourage that in many ways, such as trying to include them in various activities that we do as a family. But they should be there as our invited guests, NOT acting as ds' parents. Again, there are just certain things that, to me, are off limits and a child's "firsts" are a big one. As a GP, unless invited to take charge, to me, they should stand back and allow the parents of the child to take the lead role and not try to interfere or take charge. By all means, feel free to voice suggestions or opinions from time to time but don't step in and tell me how to raise my child or try to take over things that you have no business taking over!

I don't know, is it just me here? Maybe I just have a screwed up version of how family should be, specifically with regard to GP's roles? After all, it's not like I had the best example of family to go by. I just know it feels wrong how MIL acts sometimes. She had her chance with her own children and, in all honesty, she was a good mom to them and did a great job. But ds is MY son and all I ask is that she step back (and step off!) and allow me to experience the joys of raising my own child instead of repeatedly trying to step in and take over my place. It just feels like she knows my weaknesses with regard to my anxiety and PTSD and tries to use those to her benefit so that she can re-live the glory days of motherhood with my child. Doesn't feel good and I don't like it one bit.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Feeling all over the place regarding NM...

A couple weeks ago, I just wanted back out of the newly LC relationship I'd gotten into with NM. I felt at the time she was playing games, giving me the "silent treatment" because she didn't like that I'd told her she can't see ds right now. Since then, I've heard word from a couple people that would seem to point to NM not having any ill intent or deliberately trying to punish me in any way. I still feel in my gut that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment but I also have to admit, if I'm to be honest with myself, that it is at least POSSIBLE that there was no malicious intent that maybe she was just busy or whatever.

There are several parts to what I'm feeling. I'll try to list them all here but I may ramble a bit.

Part of me feels stuck now because, since I'm not 100% sure NM did anything deliberately to be hurtful, I feel I have no valid reason to walk away. Don't know why I should need a REASON exactly, but it just feels appropriate that there should be one?

I've also heard some songs lately, angry songs, and been reading here a bit more than usual and when all combined, my old friend anger has returned with a vengeance. All the memories of all the shit NM has pulled over the years, all the hateful, hurtful things she said during NC, how she tried to turn my extended FOO against me, how she smeared me to everyone who'd listen to her, it just makes me to damned ANGRY at her. On one hand, I want to smash her face into a pulp and, on the other, I wish it were possible to completely open my pain to her and get her to understand so that she would then feel the pain of knowing what she'd done to me. Then I would turn and walk away from her and leave her with no chance of being forgiven or of finding absolution so that she'd just have to ROT for eternity knowing what she'd done, the pain she'd caused. As a mother, I'd find that way worse than being beaten to death and I feel my "mother" deserves all that hell and more. (Seeing the anger yet? LOL)

When I think of all those things, I just want to tell her to go fuck herself and walk away and go back to NC again. Problem is, it would also mean I'd once again catch flack from the extended FOO, some of whom I'm just now finally starting to talk to again and have some form of a positive relationship with.

But then I start thinking to myself, "NM hasn't really done anything that wrong since I've been back in contact with her and it would be cruel to just walk away again considering that. Besides, what happens when two weeks/months/years down the line I long to make contact with her again? It wouldn't be nice to jerk someone around like that and, regardless of what she's done to deserve it, it's not the sort of person *I* want to be." At this point, I start thinking maybe I should just leave things as they are (which is extreme LC, emphasis on the extreme part) only then I start feeling like, "But I wanna tell her off and walk away! I wanna HURT her!" (Okay, so maybe she can't be hurt like a normal person but there's gotta be a way to hurt her to some degree.)

To clarify, I'm hardly sitting here freaking out or all upset about this situation, though it IS on my mind a lot. I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm feeling and decide what I should do. I guess I also don't feel like it's OKAY or appropriate to do what I'm feeling I want to do in regards to telling her off and wanting to hurt her. I know that my anger is righteous and earned and I know that NM has done things to deserve and earn whatever I feel toward her. She's been a shitty mother and a worse human being and, as such, deserves what she gets in the way of people being angry at her, etc. I just so don't want to be one of those people who gets all caught up in being bitter, angry and wanting revenge, ya know? While NC, I thought I'd forgiven NM - for MY sake - and let go of most all of the anger and bitterness and now here it is again, full force and I'm just like, "Damn! I thought I'd made more progress than this! Will this ever end? Will I ever finally be free of all this?" My T, bless her, just keeps saying, "It's a process." but I am BEYOND ready for this freaking process to be OVER, KWIM?
In talking with dh about this last night, it also occurred to me that what I want most of all is to be right. Dr. Phil often will ask his guests, "Do you want to fix this and heal from it or do you wanna be right?". Ideally, I'd say both but if I had to pick one, at this point, I want to be right. It feels GOOD to hear people say that my NM is a nutjob an that I'm right to stay as far away from her as possible. For so many years I was told I was wrong/bad/stupid/over-reacting/too sensitive/etc. and for once I just wanna be right. The problem is, the "high" that comes from that kind of validation only lasts for so long and then I'm right back to needing another "fix".

Not sure what I'm looking for here exactly. I mostly just needed to get all this out of my head. (And maybe be heard?)

Thanks if you made it this far. I know I can be long-worded sometimes!


DA xx

Friday, August 26, 2011

Difficult morning...

It's been a slightly difficult morning. Today was ds' first day of kindergarten. He did great, just walked right in all confident and self-assured. So different from how I was even at that young age, painfully shy and with little to no self-confidence whatsoever. I had to call him back for a good-bye hug because he was so excited and interested in what was going on in his classroom. LOL

I just hope and pray so much that his school experience is a positive one. At various times throughout my life, I've heard others call their school years "the best years of their life". It always perplexed me as school was a hellish experience for me, one that I loathed then and continue to look back on with very painful, negative memories. I can remember being bullied pretty much every single day from kindergarten/first grade all the way through graduation senior year. I didn't have many friends at all, still don't really, and was horribly shy. And, of course, I think it goes without saying that NM was zero help when it came to bullying at school. The couple of times NHS and I told her about incidents, her only advice was to "just ignore [the bully]". Don't know why I should be surprised as that was the exact advice she always gave me when I'd complain about NSJ's abuse.

Today is kind of bittersweet for me. One one hand, I am so excited to watch ds begin this new adventure in his life. I have a feeling he's really going to like school and make a ton of friends. He'll be one of those people who look back later in life and say, "Those were some of the best years of my life." On the other hand though, it's kind of painful. My baby is growing up and becoming a boy. He's growing away from me. I can remember the day he was born, the first time I held him, the day we brought him home from the hospital, his first birthday, his first word, when he began to crawl....where does the time go and why must it go by so quickly?

Above all though, it saddens me because I feel all this so intensely and know in my heart that my NM has never felt the same. Rather than missing me and the house feeling empty when I started kindergarten, NM was probably glad to have a break from having to deal with me. Rather than hating that I was growing up and away from her, she was probably happy and in a hurry for me to grow up even faster so that she could get me out of her house. Most mothers cry when their kids move out. Not my NM. She was all, "Finally! Now I have my house back and all to myself!" Days like today are a horrible reminder of all I was cheated out of in a mother.

Despite that, I am happy because I know that my son will never know that pain. He'll never know the feeling of having to ride a bus home and come home to an empty house after school at the tender age of only 6 years and having to let himself inside and wait alone for a few hours until his parents get home from work. He'll never know the pain of feeling he has to choose between his mother and father and pick a loyalty to one or the other. He'll never know what it's like to have adult issues placed on his shoulders and bear that awful responsibility. He'll never have to be an adult when he's still a child. Best of all, he'll never know the pain of feeling he's never good enough or that he isn't loved by his parents. He can feel safe and trust and believe that he is worthy and good enough and loved unconditionally by dh and I. He is free to just be a kid, where his biggest worry is what video game to play first.

Can't wait until ds gets home today so we can sit down over a big plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies (his favorite) and talk all about what a great 1st day he had at kindergarten today!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Back to feeling confused about what to do...

So, no word from NM for about two weeks (save for those two email forwards) and then yesterday, I got some IM's from her. The way our computer is, we usually have multiple tabs up at any given time and then just leave it on when we're not using it. Hence, it may appear that I am online when I'm really not. That was the situation yesterday with NM, it looked to her like I was online in my email but I wasn't. Thinking I was online, she sent the following IM's:

Aug 18 4:25 PM
NM:  Hi-I thought that you might have left town and not told me! Where you been?
Aug 18 4:30 PM
NM:  Did you write anything yet? Went over to another page and my note was erased?
Aug 18 4:32 PM
NM:  Okay...be that way-gotta take (the dog) out anyway! XX
Aug 18 6:01 PM
NM:  Are you going to talk to me this time-hmmm?

To outsiders, I'm sure it would appear that she was just joking around with me and wasn't the least bit upset or whatever and I'm sure NM would see it the same way. However, to me, the comments come across as very passive-aggressive. Basically, she didn't like my response to her last email telling her she couldn't see ds anytime soon so she "punished" me by not speaking to me for two weeks and, now that she's over it, suddenly she's IM'ing me and stuff again acting like everything is peachy keen only she's pissed that I wasn't sitting at my computer awaiting her to message me so I could respond immediately.

I also got this in my email inbox earlier:

Hi!  Just a short note to find out if you are still amongst the living.  I was online yesterday around the same time as you, and started to write, but got no answer.  Hope everything is well with you and that ds is okay.  How's the dog doing?
Hope to talk to ya soon.  Love you XX
p.s.  How's the business coming along?

A couple things irk me about her message. 1) Funny how she's supposedly SO concerned with how ds is doing and his welfare yet she was willing to walk away out of his life simply because she couldn't have everything go exactly the way SHE wanted it. 2) What's all this sudden interest in my business? Every time I talk to her recently, she's asking how my business is doing. I sincerely doubt she actually cares one way or the other and, to be honest, her comments always ring fake to me.

On one hand, I long for the peace and solitude of NC again. I really don't feel like responding or having anything to do with NM at this time. But if the past was any indication, what happens when a few weeks or months from now I again feel like I want to contact NM and see how she's doing? Forget that NM is a bitch and/or what she deserves - I don't want to be the sort of person to jerk another person around and it just plain old wouldn't be right to keep going back and forth like that. Hence my problem.

I honestly don't know what to do. One second, I want to go back to NC only to have that turn into feelings of I don't know and then that turns into I want to stay extreme LC and on an don. That is compounded by the fact that I am totally unsure if NC is the correct way to go since I feel fairly sure that I will want to contact her again at some point in the future and, if I go back to NC, that will close that door permanently. Dh suggested I just write to NM and tell her that it's not her, it's me - though he did suggest using a bit different wording. That way, the door would be left unlocked should I choose to open it again in the future.

There's also a part of me that wants to be completely honest with NM and lay my feelings all out on the table. I guess what I'd hope to accomplish by doing that is for HER to reject ME and cut ME off first. (How screwed up is that??!! Like I haven't suffered enough rejection and pain at this point??) Then I could walk away saying, "Well, I did all I could" and not have any residual guilt. 

Of course there's also two smaller parts of me - one that wants to stick it to NM and hurt her, even if just a little, as repayment for all the hell she's put me through and one that longs for a close, loving relationship with my NM.

Maybe the best thing would be to hold off making any decisions until I've had a chance to speak to my T again. But that might take a couple weeks to get an appointment and then what do I do about NM? If I continue not responding, she's going to take it that I've cut her off and gone NC again and that will bring up all sorts of drama again with the extended FOO that I really don't need in my life right now.

*disgusted sigh* Why, oh WHY can't these situations be easier? Why does it always seem to be an uphill battle? Is it just a life filled with an unusual amount of bad luck or is it the legacy of a DoNM?

Sunday, August 14, 2011

A mini update...

Just thought I'd update you all re: the NM situation. I've actually been feeling much better the past day and a half or so. NM isn't on my mind nearly as much and I've been able to relax and enjoy myself again. The insomnia seems to be mostly gone as well along with the nightmares. I think that chat with dh and the light bulb moment of realizing that I'm ashamed simply for being really helped to purge some of the negativity so I could decompress a bit.

I had written to my aunt N to see if she'd heard anything from NM and finally heard back yesterday. She wrote:

I really don't think you're being played by NM. I just talked to her, and she didn't seem mad at all, or even resentful. She simply stated that she had requested to see ds, and you wrote back to say that you simply weren't ready yet. She wants more, but she didn't seem angry or upset. We didn't talk much about it -- I really try to steer clear of talking about you at all.

At first I felt a little bit worse as it seemed my suspicions that maybe NM wasn't deliberately giving me the silent treatment and/or refusing to discuss my email re: her request to see ds. But then I decided it didn't matter if that was her original intent because she's still playing games regardless. Since we started emailing again, NM has either IM'ed me or emailed me every few days. I don't think more than 4 days has passed without hearing something from her, even if it was just a short note. She emailed me the request to see ds on the 5th and it's now the 14th. Nearly 10 days has passed without a word from her beyond two stupid email forwards. So I don't care what NM says to aunt N or anyone else, as far as I'm concerned, she's playing games and I want no part of it.

Am feeling unsure at this point exactly how I'll proceed. I know that I have zero plans to contact NM but I may respond one final time if she ever decides to email me more than an email forward. Then again, I may just block her on email and be done with it. I just don't know for sure. Right now, I'm just trying to take some time and try to relax and enjoy spending time with my dh and ds. We had a lovely afternoon Friday. Dh, ds and I - and MIL, BIL, SIL and the new baby, "B" - all went bowling at the local bowling alley. We had a blast. I was feeling really anxious and was very tempted to succumb to my PTSD symptoms and stay home yet again but I pushed myself and was proud of myself for going. Besides, it would have sucked to miss seeing ds bowl. He was so cute!

Thank you all so much for your loving words and support during this whole thing. It meant a lot to hear how you all valued what I do here and how it's helped some of you. It's good to know at least some positive comes from what I go through.



Thursday, August 11, 2011

HUGE lightbulb moment...

Was in the tub soaking a little while ago and dh came in and we were talking. I was telling him about my memories that had surfaced and said that I wanted validation. Afterward, dh said firmly that NM's reactions were/are SERIOUSLY fucked up and that he doesn't think she's capable of behaving the way a normal mother would. I started to cry a little at that point as I asked him, "But it's not me?" and dh, bless his heart, said even more firmly, "NO. It is NOT you." and went on to say how perfect and amazing I am and how much of an impact - a positive impact - I've had on his and ds' lives, etc.

I started to cry even harder at that point and dh asked what was wrong. I said to him, "I just feel like a stupid, small burden." Dh asked, "For what?" and I was shocked to hear myself blurt out, albeit in that tiny voice, "For being."

My heart is literally weeping right now for little DA as well as for the adult DA who thinks that she somehow needs to apologize simply for being. Then again, I don't know why it's such a revelation. I've felt like an unwanted inconvenience for as long as I can remember. Even as a very young child, it was clear that I wasn't really wanted, that I was just this inconvenience that my parents - all four of them - had to put up with and it remains that way to this day. I think that if all of them could have erased me and forgotten all about me as they tried to do with each other after the divorce, they would have (quite eagerly) done so.

Is it any wonder that I am a "disturbed angel"? What child/person wouldn't be after going through all that I've been forced to go through and suffer? The greater wonder is that I'm not far more "disturbed" beyond the anxiety, depression and PTSD. I suppose that in itself is a testament to the little warrior within me, that she could survive being made to feel so unwanted, so worthless and yet still refuse to give up.

Had a memory earlier today...

(**NOTE** Several parts of this may be triggering for some people so please proceed with caution.)

Forgot to share this earlier what with all the other emotional upheaval going on currently. Back when I was about 16 and a junior in high school, I had made a plan to run away. The abuse at home was reaching it's peak, I was majorly depressed to the point of being almost suicidal and I just wanted to get out of that hell hole and away from all of them. So, a friend of mine and our boyfriends made a plan to run away. We were going to live together to help support one another until we could get on our feet. As part of the plan, I had decided I would "steal" the engagement ring my dad had given to my NM back when they were together. It was a one carat diamond and was flawless, or so I'm told. I figured that, combined with the gold band it was in, it would fetch me enough money to carry me for a couple weeks. (I know. I was naive but it was something I guess.)

At any rate, one day - whilst going through my things under the guise of "cleaning my room", which she often did - NM happened upon a letter I'd written to my friend in which we discussed certain details of our plan. The fact that I planned to take the ring was in there as well. NM, of course, was FURIOUS with me and immediately set in to screaming at me. How DARE I plan to steal HER ring?!!! That was HERS, NOT mine....blah dee freaking blah.

Looking back today, it hits me just how fucked up her reaction was. I mean, really...if I happened upon a letter my ds had written in which we expressed his depression and plan to run away from home, my first thought would be to gently confront him and ask what I'd done to make him want to be away from me, to think his only option was to leave. The LAST thing I'd be thinking about is how dare he steal MY precious things! But, then, I'm not a self-centered, narcissistic bitch who doesn't give a shit about her own child.

There was another time, in my senior year, when things had gone from bad to worse and I'd begun cutting myself on my arms. When my NM finally discovered what I'd been doing - and it was clear she didn't give a damn even before she officially "found out" because I often wore short sleeved shirts and didn't generally cover the scars up so they were fairly easy to see, even from a distance - her only thought was to berate me for how I'd supposedly hurt and embarrassed her with my "behavior". There was ZERO concern for the fact that I, her daughter, was in so much pain that I was CUTTING myself, oh no! The only thing she could think was how this latest bout of "silly" behavior would make HER look in the eyes of others. 

Again, I sit here and think of how I'd react if I found out my sweet baby boy was in so much pain that he was cutting into his own flesh and the absolute LAST thing that would come to mind - IF it even came to my mind AT ALL - is how it would affect ME. My ONLY concern would be for my son and how I could help him stop hurting. But my NM - or rather, that selfish bitch who calls herself my "mother" - could think only of HERSELF. ALWAYS, it is about HER - HER wants, HER needs, HER desires, HER pain, HER stress, HER feelings....HER, HER, HER. Bitch. I hope she rots.


ANOTHER fucking stupid email forward?! Really?? Really??!! 

Yep. Just got another stupid email forward from NM, this one titled "Really COOL Pictures!". Admittedly, the pics were really neat but that's obviously not the point. I am so freaking DONE. She wants to play her stupid mind games and act like a bitch, so be it. Let her find someone else to play with.

Looks like it's back to NC for me. (Yay!)


I don't even CARE if NM is lurking at this point, I gotta vent. I feel like I'm losing that stability and peace that I'd worked so hard for this past 19 months. I'm hating myself that NM still has this hold over me and am kicking myself for thinking that maybe, just maybe, things would be different this time. I thought I'd finally gotten past that ridiculous hope and accepted that NM was damaged goods, that she'd never give me what I want and need from her, and I think I HAVE accepted it in my mind. But, sadly, my heart is another thing entirely and it is breaking once again at being rejected and punished for not doing anything wrong.

I know now 100% that it was a huge mistake to reconnect with NM. I wish, looking back, that I'd ignored her IM that day and continued with my NC. Those first few moment of speaking with her felt good but all that has come with it most definitely does NOT feel good. Not even close.

I'd been doing so well with NC. It was hard at times, sure, and there were sad times for what might have been under different circumstances but I felt HAPPY for the first time in my life. I knew what peace and contentment felt like. I looked forward to the day upon waking in the mornings. And now I feel like I've fallen backward off of a cliff and am plummeting toward that dark abyss once again.

Actually, to be honest, it doesn't feel as dark and overwhelming as it did previously so I HAVE made SOME progress obviously, but I still feel like I've taken several steps backward. My anxiety had been way down, my insomnia was finally mostly cleared up, I had very few nightmares and I just woke up feeling happy and peaceful every day. Best of all, my relationships with my dh and ds had improved greatly as I was no longer the impatient, sniping bitch that I was when NM was in my life.

These past few weeks, especially this last week, my insomnia is back with a vengeance, my nightmares are back, my anxiety is through the roof (though my panic attacks haven't come back as bad as they used to be). I wake up depressed instead of looking forward to the day and, worst of all, I can feel myself being all tense and impatient and have noticed myself sniping here and there again with my dh and ds. Dh is one thing, not that it's okay but he's an adult and can understand somewhat where I'm coming from and not internalize it so much. But my sweet ds, it absolutely KILLS me every time I yell or even just raise my voice at him a little and I see that sweet, precious face fall. Makes me feel like a giant ball of shit.

My biggest fear is that long-term damage will be done to ds. I would just DIE if I thought that he would grow up feeling the way I felt, like his mommy didn't love him and didn't care about him, wondering why he could never measure up or do the right thing, why nothing he said or did was ever good enough and felt like a small, stupid burden, unworthy of love and respect. I would truly shrivel up and die if I were the cause of that pain in him.

To try and compensate, whenever I catch myself yelling, I immediately apologize to him and tell him that I'm not mad at him, that mommy's just in a bad mood and irritable and that I love him so, so much - more than anything else in the entire world - and tell him what a GOOD boy he is and how PROUD I am of him and of being his mommy and how I will love him forever and always, no matter what. My T says this will go a long way toward staving off any lasting damage being done to ds. Still, I worry.

In speaking to dh yesterday, even he has said it's time to "shut it back down" with NM and I agree completely. I know it has to be done. In fact, I'm looking FORWARD to going back to the peace and tranquility of NC. Still....it's a little harder this time round because this time I know it's forever. I'll never hug my NM again, never hang out or visit with her, there will be no holidays spent together, no talks shared between us. The next time I see her, it will likely be her picture in the paper next to her obituary. That just hurts. It really, really hurts.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Yep. She's definitely playing games...

Finally got an email in my inbox this morning from NM. Instead of a written email, it was an email forward titled, "Fwd: Card for You/ Reply Requested". When I read that I was like, "WTF is this?". I opened it and inside was a picture of a postcard type card with a cartoon puppy on it that reads:

"No matter where I am or what I am doing, when YOU come to mind, it shows on my face!"

Beneath that, it reads:

From: GOD
Reference: LIFE

Now, you have a nice day.


God has seen you struggling, God says it's over. A blessing is coming our way. If you believe in God, please send to ten people (including me) please don't ignore this.


I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this is a game to find out if I'll respond or not. Quite honestly, I am beyond sick of games at this point in my life and will not be responding unless and until she addresses the last email I sent her.

I've read all of the responses to my last post from all of you. I haven't responded myself yet because I didn't want to give away too much of what I'm thinking and feeling just in case NM or one of her FM's are lurking about. Suffice it to say, I know what I plan to do and a large part of that is to not give this bitch anymore space in my head for now. She wants to play games, fine. She can damn well play them with herself because I'm not interested.

Monday, August 8, 2011

STILL no word from NM...

Am starting to get a little pissed. She sent her email around noon Friday asking what "we" could do about the situation with ds, basically asking if she could visit with him, and I responded at around 3pm telling her I wasn't comfortable with her seeing ds at this time, that she could send him a card or whatever and I could see if ds was willing to send her a short note back but, beyond that, it wasn't going to happen, especially given that she and I have only spoken 4 to 5 times via email and IM after nearly two years of no contact whatsoever.

As of now, I haven't gotten a response and, of course, my first inclination is to assume that NM was pissed that she didn't get the response she wanted and so is "punishing" me by giving me the silent treatment for a couple days before she responds. I'm inclined to think that her eventual response will go something along the lines of, "How much longer are you going to keep this up? I'd thought we'd been making some progress finally in our recent conversations only to find out now that we're right back where we started with you keeping ds from me." Granted, it won't be worded exactly like that but that's the basic gist of what I'm expecting.

Wish she'd just send it and get it over with already. I hate this waiting game.

Friday, August 5, 2011

I knew it was coming sooner than later...

Got this email from NM earlier today...

Hi-have you seen Repticon advertised at the ***** arena? Just saw it on ***********. It's this weekend at the ***** Arena, and they have tarantulas, scorpions, and different lizards, etc. The lizard on the show was 6 feet long, and weighed 50 pounds. Very gentle, and was raised by his owner from birth-good with kids-(you need one for ds!!!) We're going to go tomorrow I think. It's $10. for adults, and $5. for kids. DS would probably enjoy this ya think? Just thought I'd let you know in case you wanted to take him. I hate crawly things, but this should be interesting-and something different to do!

How is my grandson doing? By the way...how have you explained my absense? I feel bad that I'm missing his growing up-I love that child with all my heart, and want him to know me, and love me back. What do you think we could do about this situation? I don't want to push you or force you to do anything you're not ready to do-but I don't want to miss his early years and want him and myself to have some kind of a relationship. Anyway-think on it, and let me know. I love you lots! XX

The thing that strikes me first and foremost is that we've only spoken just a few times - maybe 5 by now? - and I told her flat out just a few weeks ago that I was nowhere near ready to see her face to face at this time.........yet I'm supposed to arrange a visit with my ds for her? I can understand inquiring as to what I've told ds about her not being around. That seems a logical enough question. But really? Asking already to see ds when she and I have only spoken a handful of times and haven't even so much as spoken over the phone yet??!! Only an N would make such a ridiculous request!

And while I'd like to believe she's being sincere in saying how she loves my ds and wants a relationship with him, I know all too well that she's full of crap. If she loved him so much and wanted a relationship with him so badly, she'd have been willing to abide by dh's and my rules and visit with ds here at the house and gone through the necessary steps to earn back our trust. Bottom line, coming here to see him even though it wasn't ideal would have been better than not seeing him at all. Instead, being an N, because she couldn't have everything HER way, she walked away and we didn't speak to her for nearly TWO YEARS (in actuality it was about 19 months).

As for his "early years", ds is now 5 and starting Kindergarten in just a couple weeks so I think that boat has long since passed. The time to build a relationship with him would have been from birth up till now but, again, since she couldn't have everything HER way, she chose to pout and walk away. NOT my problem, nor was it my fault. And now that ds will be starting school, making friends and wanting to hang out with them more and more as he gets older, NM has missed her chance. Too bad, so sad. Not.

I plan to respond but I think I'm just going to be honest with her and say basically what I've just said above, though a bit more respectfully. (Not because she deserves it but because it's the sort of person I choose to be.) I'm sure she'll just throw a giant pity party because I "won't allow her" to have a relationship with her grandson and/or otherwise try to tell me why I'm being mean or unfair but, whatever.

I'll let you all know how it goes.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Cool slipcover giveaway from blogland...

Kristin over at My Uncommon Slice of Suburbia has teamed with Ugly Sofa to offer an amazing giveaway. If your sofa(s) are ugly like mine, you could use a new slipcover (or three)! If you're interested, head on over and check it out!

Not sure WHAT to call this. A dream? A nightmare? Something else?

**NOTE : Some parts of this may be sensitive or triggering to some people so just proceed with caution please.

You'll have to bear with me as I'm trying to put this all together and sort it out as I type it...

I awoke at 5am this morning from a nightmare. In the dream, it was dh and I along with several others and we were all in hiding. Aliens had invaded the earth (I know, sounds stupid to write it now but it was really scary in the dream!) and, at any moment, they may come to get us and take us away. Dh and I had ds but he wasn't with us in the dream. I remember going to dh at one point and asking him, if it came to it, to promise me that he'd help me kill ds and then kill me since I just couldn't deal with the thought of the aliens getting hold of him and I knew I couldn't survive without ds. The dream, or nightmare, switched then and there was this cat. It was hurt and I had to kill it to help put it out of it's suffering but the only thing I had was my bare hands. Without going into too much detail, I killed the cat and then cried because I felt sorry for it only to have my sadness turn into fear and revulsion when the cat starting moving in my hands again. It was at this point that I shot awake.

First thing I did was to check on ds who was, of course, sleeping and just fine. I went back to bed and had all these thoughts racing through my head. First and foremost, don't know where this came from, but it occurred to me that just as the aliens could come and kill me at any second, so it was living in that house growing up with NFOO. With a physically and verbally abusive stepjerk who easily weighed close to 300 pounds (I was a mere 120 pounds at my highest when I lived there), his ability to literally crush the life out of me was a very real possibility. Add to that NM and NSJ always making comments like, "We brought you into this world, we can take you out!" and other awful things like that, it seemed a very real threat indeed. I think this is also why I am so terrified of standing up to them - meaning NM and NSJ - because, in my mind, they hold my very life in their hands and, at any moment, can choose to end it. Of course, when I think this out in the daytime right now, it sounds rather absurd yet....the fear remains.

The second thing that occurred to me is that, just as I refused to surrender to the aliens and allow them to have ds and me in the dream, so that was in real life also. There is a little warrior inside of me who refused to allow NFOO to totally destroy me. Despite the hell that they put me through, I survived. Interesting thought - I would rather destroy myself than allow them to conquer and do God only knows what to me.

There was also some religious aspect to my thought processes afterwards but I can't really remember anymore what it was. What I DO know is that I have a bad anxiety reaction to people who are vehemently anti-God. Doesn't bother me at all if someone is atheist or non-Christian and polite/respectful about it, just when they get really aggressive and nasty about the fact that I am a Christian and believe in God. I'm certain this has a great deal to do with NSJ who, I believe, is evil. You can literally FEEL the evil rage seething off of him anytime someone dares to bring up the topic of God or religion around him. His comments can only be described as wasp-like and dripping with venom. Truly, I imagine he'd give the ole devil himself a run for his money in his hatred of God and anything religious.

All of these thoughts just seemed so completely PROFOUND to me this morning. I felt sick to my stomach, gut-punched, truly. I felt like I should be experiencing some sort of huge emotional release as well - crying, sobbing, shaking, etc. - but nothing came. I'm a bit nervous it may hit me later. I'm hoping if it does that it at least waits until dh is home so I don't freak out ds.

I'm curious to see if you all can get anything more out of it beyond what I've come up with already. It just felt so WEIRD. Still does. I feel slightly dizzy and like my skin is crawling, almost like there's some even more profound revelation there but my subconscious is doing everything it can to keep it under wraps.

*sigh* I wish so badly I had a therapy session today. I'd call but they just changed policy that any call over 10 minutes and you're billed as a session. Since money is VERY tight right now, I just can't afford it.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Anyone here with PTSD who's used EMDR?

After I'd made an inquiry about EMDR and whether it would be helpful to me with regard to helping me overcome my PTSD, my T just got back to me earlier today after checking with a colleague of hers who specializes in EMDR therapy and apparently this other T feels I'd be a very good candidate for EMDR therapy.

I've looked at several sites online to try and find something out about EMDR - what specifically it is, what it entails, etc. - and everything seems to be quite technical and hard to understand. I generally prefer to have at least a vague idea of what I'm getting into before just jumping in head first so I figured I'd ask here and see if anyone was willing to share their stories and experiences regarding the EMDR process. Anything you're willing to share would be greatly appreciated.