Just thought I'd update you all re: the NM situation. I've actually been feeling much better the past day and a half or so. NM isn't on my mind nearly as much and I've been able to relax and enjoy myself again. The insomnia seems to be mostly gone as well along with the nightmares. I think that chat with dh and the light bulb moment of realizing that I'm ashamed simply for being really helped to purge some of the negativity so I could decompress a bit.
I had written to my aunt N to see if she'd heard anything from NM and finally heard back yesterday. She wrote:
I really don't think you're being played by NM. I just talked to her, and she didn't seem mad at all, or even resentful. She simply stated that she had requested to see ds, and you wrote back to say that you simply weren't ready yet. She wants more, but she didn't seem angry or upset. We didn't talk much about it -- I really try to steer clear of talking about you at all.
At first I felt a little bit worse as it seemed my suspicions that maybe NM wasn't deliberately giving me the silent treatment and/or refusing to discuss my email re: her request to see ds. But then I decided it didn't matter if that was her original intent because she's still playing games regardless. Since we started emailing again, NM has either IM'ed me or emailed me every few days. I don't think more than 4 days has passed without hearing something from her, even if it was just a short note. She emailed me the request to see ds on the 5th and it's now the 14th. Nearly 10 days has passed without a word from her beyond two stupid email forwards. So I don't care what NM says to aunt N or anyone else, as far as I'm concerned, she's playing games and I want no part of it.
Am feeling unsure at this point exactly how I'll proceed. I know that I have zero plans to contact NM but I may respond one final time if she ever decides to email me more than an email forward. Then again, I may just block her on email and be done with it. I just don't know for sure. Right now, I'm just trying to take some time and try to relax and enjoy spending time with my dh and ds. We had a lovely afternoon Friday. Dh, ds and I - and MIL, BIL, SIL and the new baby, "B" - all went bowling at the local bowling alley. We had a blast. I was feeling really anxious and was very tempted to succumb to my PTSD symptoms and stay home yet again but I pushed myself and was proud of myself for going. Besides, it would have sucked to miss seeing ds bowl. He was so cute!
Thank you all so much for your loving words and support during this whole thing. It meant a lot to hear how you all valued what I do here and how it's helped some of you. It's good to know at least some positive comes from what I go through.