Tuesday, November 30, 2010

OMG!! Seriously??!!

Called up my chiropractor's office earlier today to ask them to fax a document over to my dh's office so that he could send it in to get reimbursed our out-of-pocket expenses. Just as I'm getting ready to say goodbye and hang up, the girl says to me, "Oh. By the way (NM's name) says to say hello."

It was one of those almost surreal moments. The kind of moment you see in a movie where a person receives an anonymous call where the other person on the end says, "You have only 7 days left to live" or something like that. It was very cryptic and it left me feeling gut-punched and violated. One second I'm going about my business and asking for a document to be faxed and then - BOOM! - the bomb drops and there's this weird message from NM being delivered.

I paused, shocked, for a second and replied, "Wait. What? She actually told you specifically to say hello to me?", to which the girl replied, "Yes."

WTFH??! I didn't know whether to laugh hysterically at the absurdity of the situation or scream in anger at the sheer violation of it all. How DARE that bitch bring my doctor and his staff into this! How dare she!!!

I scoffed, thanked the girl for delivering the "message" - because, truly, she thought she was just being nice and doing her job, she has no idea the depths of NM's dysfunction - and then hung up.

Not so much as a single word from NM in nearly a year now. It will officially be 11 months of NC as of the 9th of December. No phone calls, no emails, no letters, no gifts or cards (save for a couple for ds) including nothing on my birthday this past summer and then now this cryptic "message" via my chiropractor. 

What the hell is this bitch trying to pull? Was it intended to let me know she won't be forgotten? Is she planning some larger contact soon to follow up? Or was it more of a cryptic message that she will not be so easily gotten rid of by me? Whatever the case, if she thinks it's going to cause me to "come to my senses" and come running back to her, she's even crazier than I think she is. This is precisely the reason I walked away in the first place, these sick, dysfunctional games she's always playing. It's also the reason why I'll be staying away for good.

Anyways, after feeling upset by this for about an hour, I finally decided to nip it in the bud. I called up and casually left a message for my chiro to call me back at his convenience. Being that I've been seeing him for so long - about 17+ years at this point, off and on but mostly on - he's more of a family friend than just a doctor. I feel comfortable talking to him so he knows the deal with NM, why I went NC and so on. Hence, I didn't feel wrong in addressing the issue with him. I kept it casual, told him I just wanted to bring it to his attention so he could handle it as he saw fit. Mainly I said I just wanted to ensure it didn't happen again and that this particular avenue was shut off to NM. As expected, Dr. L was happy I'd felt I could call and talk with him about this and assured me he'd handle it and there would be no more "messages" passed along. He went on to say that he was doubly glad I'd called because this was actually a violation of patient confidentiality and there shouldn't be any passing along of messages anyway. Then he asked if I was okay. I told him I would be fine, that it had just caught me off guard and he said that I'd made such great progress since going NC and he'd hate it if I allowed this to derail that. I assured him it would not and we said goodbye and hung up after he again reassured me he would handle it immediately.

In all, I'm glad I went through with calling, especially since it turned out to also be an issue with the patient confidentiality thing. At least now I can be sure that this avenue has also been cut off to NM and there won't be any future "messages" from her. Still, the fact that she would have the nerve to involve my doctor just galls me to no end. How DARE she! But, then, N's know no boundaries, do they?

Needless to say, I'm now positive that the coming Christmas holiday will not pass without incident. At the very least, there will be a present for ds mailed to the house. Here's to hoping that's ALL it turns out to be.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

We had a lovely day at my inlaws and, thankfully, no appearances from NM, which was a pleasant surprise. So nice to have a quiet, relaxing holiday with no narcissistic drama!

Hope all of you are having your own lovely Thanksgiving holiday free from NM drama!


DA xx

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Today is NM's birthday...

Her 59th birthday to be exact.

Kind of strange how time changes things. This time last year, I was loathing the idea of going over to visit NM for her birthday and begrudging the fact that I had to go out and spend time finding the perfect gift when I knew it would somehow fall way short of her expectations and be labeled "not good enough" in the long run. This year, for the most part I feel nothing, just relaxed and happy. Today is another day, no different from any other, though there is a small part of me that is ever so slightly saddened (though saddened isn't quite the right word either) that I can't have a normal mother who I could celebrate occasions like this with.

When it's my MIL's birthday for example, it's fun to plan a dinner for her and spend time finding a small gift for her and then go over there and celebrate her special day with her. Sometimes, though admittedly less these days, I think about how it would be nice to be able to have that same relationship with my own mother. So I guess the sadness I feel isn't about missing the mother I have but, rather, about longing for what I've never had. It's getting easier though. I think that's because I've grieved the loss of what might have been and have now moved on to acceptance for the most part.

In a way, I'm kind of surprised there was no attempt at contacting me today. Then again, by continuing to act as if I no longer exist, I think NM feels she's getting back at me or somehow teaching me a lesson so it would make sense that she would maintain that. I'm sure there was much "woe is her" stuff over the phone and email today to extended FOO however. I can hear it now, "No. Still not a word from DA. She couldn't even bother to send me a card on my birthday. Me, her MOTHER! And after all I've done for her over the years too. Whatever did I do to deserve such a horrible, uncaring daughter as her?!! Oh WOE is ME!!!" LOL
Oh well. Perhaps NM should have thought of things like being alone on her birthday before she went and treated me so horribly.

Guess time will tell if I hear anything from the NM's flying monkeys, also known as my NFOO. Wonder if NGM will finally break her silence toward me to chastise me for being a wretched daughter? LOL I'm just glad I no longer have them on my Facebook. I can only imagine the status comments from all of them tomorrow. Sentiments about the blessings of motherhood and the importance of family, etc.

Am actually looking rather forward to Thanksgiving at my IL's in a couple days, though I'm a tiny bit worried NM might show up considering she lives about a mile or two down the road from my IL's. NHS and NBIL will be at NM's house and are sure to be all too happy to join in NM's badmouthing me. That, along with all the alcohol that's generally flowing with that crowd, could potentially give NM the extra push needed to make her pull a stunt like showing up at my IL's uninvited and looking to cause a scene. I'd say it's UNLIKELY but not totally outside the realm of probability.

Guess we'll have to wait and see...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

What do I want?

Had a bad day the other day. It was one of those days where thoughts of N FOO popped into my head and, no matter what I tried, just wouldn't bugger off. I was just standing there doing my dishes when I got to thinking about how my N FOO will all be together up in Ohio for the upcoming holiday and how, in the past, I've longed to be there too, to be "home for the holidays". I was thinking that, this year, I'd be happy to be amongst true family. People who love and support me unconditionally just for being me rather than what I can do for them. In turn, that got me thinking about how my N FOO have all turned on me and chosen to support my NM and her lies. That made me angry, mostly because it's all so horribly untrue. If I was the person NM, NHS and NSJ make me out to be, I could understand people not wanting anything to do with me and shunning me but I'm not that person. I'm a GOOD person who has always gone out of my way to make others happy and keep the peace and it's just so horribly unfair how I'm being treated.
At any rate, all this thinking about my N FOO got me to thinking what is it I want from all of them? It took a while but I realized that the answer is that I want someone to say to me, "What happened in that house?" I want them to want to know what went on. I want them to understand, to the extent that anyone can understand without having lived through it. I want them to listen, specifically to my side of the story. I just want to be heard. Validation would be divine but I could settle with just being allowed an opportunity to be heard. At that point, if everyone still chose to side with NM, so be it. But at least I'd have been given a chance to present my side of the story.

I so wish I could stop caring what other people think of me. It's certainly something I'm working on, but it's SO hard to stop feeling. Much harder than changing one's actions which was hard enough in itself. I think it's especially hard to stop caring about family when they are the one group of people above all others who are supposed to support you and care about you. Family is supposed to be the soft spot in the world that you can go to when you're feeling weak or down or in need of a lift. At least that's how I've always envisioned true family as being.

I'm lucky in that I've had at least one FOO member willing to hear me out but it's not enough for me. I want them all - or at least the majority of them - to seek out my story. Logically, I know this isn't going to happen and I need to find a way to let it go and move on but, emotionally, it's hard to accept that they don't care enough to want to know. It's hard to think that one's own family cares so little about them and I think that deep wounding is exactly what makes it so hard to let go.

I'm not going to stop trying though. I've come too far to give up now. But I fear that this will be one of the hardest steps in my healing process.

Wish me luck! I think I'm gonna need it! ;o)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

It's been rather quiet lately...

No more cards for ds from NM so far, though with Christmas just around the corner, I'm sure there's more to come. Don't know what I'll do if something comes. I'd previously given the items to ds (after carefully pre-screening everything of course) but, as I mentioned in my last post, I'm no longer sure that's how I want to handle these situations. 

According to my aunt N, NM is back in town which means the possibility of running into her around town is something I have to consider again. It was so nice having her out of state, hours away. My aunt N says that my NGM was working overtime on NM to try and get her to stay up there in Ohio and leave NSJ. Aunt N said that my NGM even yelled and cussed NSJ out at one point!!! (NGM is not one to swear - at least not out loud - so this was a pretty big deal.) Much to the extended NFOO's dismay however, NM returned back here. Naturally, I was also hoping NM would choose to stay up in Ohio but more because I feel that it would be good for her to have their support around her. Here where we live, the only "support" NM has is NHS and NSJ, both of whom are mentally ill/unstable wackjobs. I feel NM would have a snowball's chance in hell of at least not getting any worse if she remained up there. But back here, with only NSJ and NHS chirping in her ear, NM is going to continue to get worse. I may no longer want her in my life but I'm to a point where I don't wish her ill so this makes me very sad indeed.

NM's birthday is coming up in the next week or so. I'm not planning any contact but I'm slightly anxious that she may try to contact me somehow at that time. With luck, the day will pass quietly like any other. Unfortunately, I don't have as much hope for the upcoming Christmas holiday. If nothing else, a package/card for ds is sure to arrive on the doorstep courtesy of the US postal system. I need to figure out my plan now so I'm not left floundering when it happens.

On a side note....in less than two months, it will have been a full year since I last spoke with my NM or saw her. I can't believe how fast the time has flown by or how much progress I've made in my healing process since last January. I find it kind of strange how little it matters to me anymore. That is to say, in the beginning of NC, I found myself counting the days and celebrating my "anniversary" each month - 1 month NC, 2 months NC, etc. At around 6 months, it stopped being quite so important and now, this past 10 month "anniversary", I didn't even realize the day had come until it was about two or three days after the fact. I find that I rarely think of NM these days unless someone mentions her, I'm posting here or reading posts over at the DoNM board. Strange how this woman who used to be nearly the full focus of my life now matters so very little.

I hope you are all doing well!