This news has hit me especially hard given that my half sister (the good one) and my half bro both went there and graduated not so long ago as well as because I've walked those halls and almost was a student there myself years ago. Equally disturbing to me though are those who are crying for the (suspected) shooter - 17 year old T.J. Lane - to be put to death for his crimes before he's even been tried and found guilty.
This isn't some monster we're talking about here, it's a 17 year old CHILD who, according to reports, was bullied relentlessly at school and was an outcast and a loner. As if that wasn't bad enough, his home life was in total shambles too. His dad has a rap sheet a mile long for charges including spousal abuse - T.J. apparently witnessed his dad beat his mom on many occasions - as well as attempted murder. I don't feel it's such a stretch to believe his dad probably abused T.J. as well given that the boy was removed from his family home and placed with his grandparents who he was currently residing with at the time of his arrest. Then we also find out that T.J. had been posting cryptic poems and messages on Facebook shortly before allegedly opening fire in Chardon's cafeteria a few days ago.
Of COURSE my heart weeps for the victims of this tragedy as well as for their families and friends but I also feel so badly for the kid accused of this crime. YES, what he did was so very, very wrong and YES he needs to be held accountable and punished in some way. But I just can't help but feel that sending this kid away to prison for life or, worse, putting him to death just is NOT the answer. Would it not be far better to put him into a place where he can serve out his punishment (if found guilty) and ALSO get the psychological help he so obviously seems to need?
So many involved in this have said, "We never saw this coming." Really? I find that hard to believe given the reports that this kid's appearance and behavior did a sudden 180, that the school KNEW there were issues at home and that he'd begun acting out to the point that they'd put him into a special program for kids with behavior problems and that several people had seen his cryptic (and eventually prophetic) posts on Facebook that alluded to the chaos going on inside of this poor kid. More to the point though, how many times have we seen this same scenario play out before and yet, in each instance, the same statement is made that no one ever saw this coming.
Just my opinion but I feel we, as a nation, SERIOUSLY need to crack down HARD on the issue of bullying. Simply stating that your school has a "zero tolerance" policy isn't enough. Do they honestly think that getting in trouble - IF caught - is enough to discourage these bullies from picking on their victims? It isn't. Just a few weeks ago I was walking my son into school and witnessed two kids picking on another kid. There were teachers standing a few feet away and, for the record, this school also has a zero tolerance policy and yet, bullying obviously still occurs. I made sure to report what I'd seen and followed up to make sure the issue had been handled but the point I'm trying to make here is that simply having a policy in place doesn't work. We need to do more. I think that if it takes having metal detectors in all our schools and police officers standing watch in every hallway, then that is what we need to do.
Of course I also think that the solution starts at home. We as parents need to get involved. We need to have good communication with our kids, we need to be in touch with what's going on in their lives and teach them - by example - how to be kind, caring, empathetic people. We need to teach them that doing anything to cause another pain or discomfort is wrong, particularly when done in the name of "fun" or "laughs". I cannot tell you how many times I've heard parents say, when told about bullying, that "that's just how kids are" or who advise "just ignore it". I've also heard many say that it's "not their business" when they witness someone being abused or bullied. I couldn't disagree more.
Bottom line, bullying IS a real issue and can have devastating effects. Unless we start taking a stand against bullying and abuse and start getting involved and speaking out, tragedies like this will continue to occur.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
It's NOT just me, right?
Sorry I've been MIA for so long. Things have been crazy busy around here lately what with having the house on the market. I've also had several orders for the hand-painted signs I do. While the money is definitely nice, it's very time consuming. Anyhoo, been having some issues with MIL again and wanted your opinion on the situation.
It's to the point I am seriously considering unfriending MIL on Facebook and going LC with her as her behavior - that is to say, her OBSESSION with DN(ephew) - is driving me nuts. She talks and acts like she is the child's MOTHER rather than his grandmother.
Exhibit A - MIL's current FB profile pic is a pic of the baby, as were her last couple pics.
Exhibit B - Multiple comments that, to me, seem as if they were written by the child's mother. For example...
1) Dh's cousin and her partner just had a baby right around the same time DN was born. Dh's cousin's status the other day read: "9 month photo shoot didn't go so well. It ended with (baby's name) peeing on the dog bed. Trying again this weekend." MIL commented, "I hope you are keeping a journal.Make a great gift for him later in life."
2) The same person posted "I kinda feel sorry for the dogs when (baby's name) is cruising about the house in his walker." later that same day in another status. MIL's response to that one was, "My feet have to move real fast when (DN's name) drives his around !!!!"
3) BIL and SIL's had a professional photographer take some family pics. This photographer recently had a contest which was carried out on FB and involved people having to vote for the pic they liked the best by commenting and/or liking said pic. The way MIL was promoting the pic of DN, you'd think it was SHE that would win if his pic was chosen. Every day there was no less than a dozen posts to "Don't forget to vote for (DN's name)!". Dh and I never had any pics of DS in any contests but, regardless, MIL has NEVER gone to such great lengths with DS' pics, nor has she EVER had one of his pics as her profile pic. (Though if she did ever, we'd ask her to take it down.)
Exhibit C - DS recently borrowed a digital picture frame from MIL. As he was excitedly showing us the frame and how it worked, all I was able to notice was that of the two dozen or so pictures on there, only TWO were of MY son and, even then, they were of DS HOLDING DN! Evidence of favoritism much?
On top of that, MIL has been making a HUGE deal out of being a grandma lately. There are multiple quotes daily about how wonderful it is to be a grandma and how "blessed" she is to have grandchildren, etc. Again, this huge a fuss was never made - especially so publicly - when DS was born. But now that DN is here, suddenly there are posts all over FB like the one that reads, "I used to think I was too old to fall in love again but then I became a grandma." Ugh, where is a vomit smiley when you need it?
It just seems wholly inappropriate to me. If MIL isn't acting like DN's mother than she's going on and on ad nauseum that she's SO happy to be a grandma, as if it's the first time she's had the honor when my DS has been in the picture for nearly 6 years now. There is definite and blatant favoritism for the new baby and my DS has begun to pick up on it.
I've had to deal with her favoritism for several years now ever since DSIL came into the picture. It's not that I exactly mind that MIL (every time I type that I add an N in there...coincidence? LOL) feels closer to SIL. After all, MIL and SIL are more alike. It's not that MIL is closer to SIL exactly, it's that it's done to the deliberate EXCLUSION of me. Like a few years back, MIL and FIL apparently decided they weren't going to do anything special for mine, dh's and the other adult children's bdays. At least that's what MIL told me when my birthday had came and went that year with zero acknowledgment from her. Which was fine......only when it came time for SIL and dh's bday, which falls on the same day, (and on BIL's bday as well) something WAS done. It was just ME who was left out. Okay, to be "fair", I DID get a brief acknowledgement on Facebook the following year but that was it. Dh and SIL (and I strongly suspected then and now that dh was included only because their bdays fell on the same day) got a dinner "party", cake and balloons and other stuff.
And now that the golden girl has given MIL another grandchild, MIL's favoritism is carrying over onto my son. Of course it doesn't help that MIL has free reign over BIL and SIL's baby in a way she never had with mine. *I* was DS' mother and I never let MIL forget it which clearly infuriated MIL to no end. To me, that was how it SHOULD be since, *I* was his mother that meant *I* should be the one taking care of him. MIL always seemed to have a problem with that and tried to step in and interfere whenever she saw an opportunity. Unfortunately for her, I was always quick to nip it in the bud or get dh to do something about it. But with DN, BIL and SIL are happy to hand him over every chance they get. Truly, I wonder why they went to such lengths (they had infertility issues and had to spend thousands of dollars on treatments to get pregnant) and spent so much money if they couldn't be bothered to raise the child and spend time with him. They both work full time so MIL keeps DN all day while they're at work. That part I have no issue with. But then when they are off work, MIL STILL generally has DN about 95% of the time because SIL has her church things or girls' nights out and BIL doesn't want to be saddled with watching the baby alone so he calls MIL and she walks over there to get the baby (BIL and SIL live right next door to my IL's) and keeps him for however long. Or BIL and SIL want to go shopping or go out and have MIL watch the baby. Or if SIL has to go out of town on business, which happens somewhat frequently, MIL actually either goes over there and spends the night to take care of the baby or brings him to her house until SIL is back from her trip.
As if that wasn't enough evidence of MIL's obsession with DN, this past Christmas, MIL spent the ENTIRE TIME we were there following DN around and fawning all over him while poor DS was mostly ignored. DN even got more/bigger presents from MIL. It was a disgusting spectacle to watch and I was extremely glad when it came time to leave. DS also seemed happy to leave, which was a change from crying because he didn't want to leave as he'd done in the past.
I've tried discussing things with dh and while he seems to be coming round the tiniest bit, for the most part he continues to insist that I'm seeing things that aren't there, that that's not the case and there is no favoritism or that's it's just my "past issues" clouding reality. Presently, I don't feel pushed to limit DS' time with them as he's been doing that himself. More often than not lately, when MIL calls to ask if he wants to come over, DS will say he doesn't want to go. MIL has tried to bribe him at times and DS still insists he doesn't want to go. Either that or I've noticed he'll go and then come home really early. In past years, I've gently pushed DS to go. NOT ANYMORE. Thankfully, dh at least agrees on that point with me and hasn't made any efforts to push DS to go when he doesn't want to. (If he did, I'd surely fight him on that.)
So what do you all think? Honestly, IS it just me? AM I over-reacting or is there a genuine cause for concern there? Do you see reason to unfriend MIL and go LC with her or would that also be over-reacting?
You know, I remember when DS was just born. MIL would buy DS these clothes that looked straight out of the 70's, which not so coincidentally was the time period dh was born in AND which looked a LOT like several of the outfits that I'd seen dh wearing in his baby pictures. That and other instances - like her complaining that she NEEDED time with my DS to "bond with him" - made me feel like MIL was trying to re-create her experiences with dh when he was a baby and relive her mothering days. She even took to calling DS "(dh's name) junior" for a time. (I quickly put a firm end to that crap.) She tried to set things up so she could pretend that DS was HER son and I didn't allow that to happen and now she's doing it with BIL and SIL's son only they seem perfectly happy to let her. That child spends SO much time with MIL and FIL that, mark my words, he WILL grow up to believe that THEY are his parents. Wouldn't surprise me if DN's first word was "mama" only he was talking about MIL instead of his actual mother!
Is it me or is this bitch (MIL) freaking crazy and obsessed?
It's to the point I am seriously considering unfriending MIL on Facebook and going LC with her as her behavior - that is to say, her OBSESSION with DN(ephew) - is driving me nuts. She talks and acts like she is the child's MOTHER rather than his grandmother.
Exhibit A - MIL's current FB profile pic is a pic of the baby, as were her last couple pics.
Exhibit B - Multiple comments that, to me, seem as if they were written by the child's mother. For example...
1) Dh's cousin and her partner just had a baby right around the same time DN was born. Dh's cousin's status the other day read: "9 month photo shoot didn't go so well. It ended with (baby's name) peeing on the dog bed. Trying again this weekend." MIL commented, "I hope you are keeping a journal.Make a great gift for him later in life."
2) The same person posted "I kinda feel sorry for the dogs when (baby's name) is cruising about the house in his walker." later that same day in another status. MIL's response to that one was, "My feet have to move real fast when (DN's name) drives his around !!!!"
3) BIL and SIL's had a professional photographer take some family pics. This photographer recently had a contest which was carried out on FB and involved people having to vote for the pic they liked the best by commenting and/or liking said pic. The way MIL was promoting the pic of DN, you'd think it was SHE that would win if his pic was chosen. Every day there was no less than a dozen posts to "Don't forget to vote for (DN's name)!". Dh and I never had any pics of DS in any contests but, regardless, MIL has NEVER gone to such great lengths with DS' pics, nor has she EVER had one of his pics as her profile pic. (Though if she did ever, we'd ask her to take it down.)
Exhibit C - DS recently borrowed a digital picture frame from MIL. As he was excitedly showing us the frame and how it worked, all I was able to notice was that of the two dozen or so pictures on there, only TWO were of MY son and, even then, they were of DS HOLDING DN! Evidence of favoritism much?
On top of that, MIL has been making a HUGE deal out of being a grandma lately. There are multiple quotes daily about how wonderful it is to be a grandma and how "blessed" she is to have grandchildren, etc. Again, this huge a fuss was never made - especially so publicly - when DS was born. But now that DN is here, suddenly there are posts all over FB like the one that reads, "I used to think I was too old to fall in love again but then I became a grandma." Ugh, where is a vomit smiley when you need it?
It just seems wholly inappropriate to me. If MIL isn't acting like DN's mother than she's going on and on ad nauseum that she's SO happy to be a grandma, as if it's the first time she's had the honor when my DS has been in the picture for nearly 6 years now. There is definite and blatant favoritism for the new baby and my DS has begun to pick up on it.
I've had to deal with her favoritism for several years now ever since DSIL came into the picture. It's not that I exactly mind that MIL (every time I type that I add an N in there...coincidence? LOL) feels closer to SIL. After all, MIL and SIL are more alike. It's not that MIL is closer to SIL exactly, it's that it's done to the deliberate EXCLUSION of me. Like a few years back, MIL and FIL apparently decided they weren't going to do anything special for mine, dh's and the other adult children's bdays. At least that's what MIL told me when my birthday had came and went that year with zero acknowledgment from her. Which was fine......only when it came time for SIL and dh's bday, which falls on the same day, (and on BIL's bday as well) something WAS done. It was just ME who was left out. Okay, to be "fair", I DID get a brief acknowledgement on Facebook the following year but that was it. Dh and SIL (and I strongly suspected then and now that dh was included only because their bdays fell on the same day) got a dinner "party", cake and balloons and other stuff.
And now that the golden girl has given MIL another grandchild, MIL's favoritism is carrying over onto my son. Of course it doesn't help that MIL has free reign over BIL and SIL's baby in a way she never had with mine. *I* was DS' mother and I never let MIL forget it which clearly infuriated MIL to no end. To me, that was how it SHOULD be since, *I* was his mother that meant *I* should be the one taking care of him. MIL always seemed to have a problem with that and tried to step in and interfere whenever she saw an opportunity. Unfortunately for her, I was always quick to nip it in the bud or get dh to do something about it. But with DN, BIL and SIL are happy to hand him over every chance they get. Truly, I wonder why they went to such lengths (they had infertility issues and had to spend thousands of dollars on treatments to get pregnant) and spent so much money if they couldn't be bothered to raise the child and spend time with him. They both work full time so MIL keeps DN all day while they're at work. That part I have no issue with. But then when they are off work, MIL STILL generally has DN about 95% of the time because SIL has her church things or girls' nights out and BIL doesn't want to be saddled with watching the baby alone so he calls MIL and she walks over there to get the baby (BIL and SIL live right next door to my IL's) and keeps him for however long. Or BIL and SIL want to go shopping or go out and have MIL watch the baby. Or if SIL has to go out of town on business, which happens somewhat frequently, MIL actually either goes over there and spends the night to take care of the baby or brings him to her house until SIL is back from her trip.
As if that wasn't enough evidence of MIL's obsession with DN, this past Christmas, MIL spent the ENTIRE TIME we were there following DN around and fawning all over him while poor DS was mostly ignored. DN even got more/bigger presents from MIL. It was a disgusting spectacle to watch and I was extremely glad when it came time to leave. DS also seemed happy to leave, which was a change from crying because he didn't want to leave as he'd done in the past.
I've tried discussing things with dh and while he seems to be coming round the tiniest bit, for the most part he continues to insist that I'm seeing things that aren't there, that that's not the case and there is no favoritism or that's it's just my "past issues" clouding reality. Presently, I don't feel pushed to limit DS' time with them as he's been doing that himself. More often than not lately, when MIL calls to ask if he wants to come over, DS will say he doesn't want to go. MIL has tried to bribe him at times and DS still insists he doesn't want to go. Either that or I've noticed he'll go and then come home really early. In past years, I've gently pushed DS to go. NOT ANYMORE. Thankfully, dh at least agrees on that point with me and hasn't made any efforts to push DS to go when he doesn't want to. (If he did, I'd surely fight him on that.)
So what do you all think? Honestly, IS it just me? AM I over-reacting or is there a genuine cause for concern there? Do you see reason to unfriend MIL and go LC with her or would that also be over-reacting?
You know, I remember when DS was just born. MIL would buy DS these clothes that looked straight out of the 70's, which not so coincidentally was the time period dh was born in AND which looked a LOT like several of the outfits that I'd seen dh wearing in his baby pictures. That and other instances - like her complaining that she NEEDED time with my DS to "bond with him" - made me feel like MIL was trying to re-create her experiences with dh when he was a baby and relive her mothering days. She even took to calling DS "(dh's name) junior" for a time. (I quickly put a firm end to that crap.) She tried to set things up so she could pretend that DS was HER son and I didn't allow that to happen and now she's doing it with BIL and SIL's son only they seem perfectly happy to let her. That child spends SO much time with MIL and FIL that, mark my words, he WILL grow up to believe that THEY are his parents. Wouldn't surprise me if DN's first word was "mama" only he was talking about MIL instead of his actual mother!
Is it me or is this bitch (MIL) freaking crazy and obsessed?
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Hello!
Hope you all had a lovely holiday! We spent the day at my IL's. Not ideal but it was better (at least in some ways) than spending it home alone by ourselves. And since we certainly weren't about to go spend the day at NM's house.....
I'm still busy keeping the house clean while it's on the market as well as looking for homes for us to move into once this one sells. We've had a couple really good contenders but, so far, still haven't found that "perfect" house. We had thought we'd found "the one" but it turned out that the uneven floors couldn't be fixed which took it off our list. We're currently entertaining a two bedroom/two bath house but are waiting to hear if the owners are willing to take care of a very minor mold problem that we noticed when we went to look at it.
Things have continued to be okay with NM for the most part. There have been a couple minor comments, such as a couple weeks ago when she casually mentioned to me that NHS and NSJ "weren't ready to get back involved with you (meaning me) yet". As if to imply that *I* was somehow the one that hurt *them* or something that they should need more time before being willing to get back involved with me. *eyeroll* Whatever. I just laughed and told NM that that was FINE by me as I didn't want anything to do with either of them again at any point EVER!
The other issue I've had with NM is that she has begun to push to be able to take DS out on her own again. She asked me last week over the phone if I would be willing to "work with her" at her eventually being able to take DS out on her own. At the time I said yes. My line of thinking was that I was willing to give her another chance to prove I could trust her - which I fully realize is unlikely and may never happen - and that this would take a preliminary estimate of 6 to 12 months at which point we'd re-evaluate and see how things were going, how I felt, etc.
However, in NM's follow-up comments after I'd agreed to work on things with her, I get the distinct impression that she thinks she can just come over to my house two or three times a week for a few weeks and that she, DS and I will all go up to the corner store two or three times at which point I will magically be okay with her taking DS out on her own wherever and whenever she wants. So NOT going to happen.
To be honest, it's not DS' immediate safety I worry about. I do not fear that NM would allow him to wander off or leave him unsupervised or anything like that. It's NSJ. While I can respect that NM feels differently toward her dh than I do, the bottom line is that I do NOT trust her to honor my dh's and my wishes for our son not to have ANY contact whatsoever with NSJ. I don't even want NM to put NSJ on speaker phone and for NSJ to say hello to DS. NO CONTACT whatsoever - no phone calls, no cards/gifts/emails. Zip. Zero. Nada.
I've also made it very clear, as did my dh the last time we sat and talked with NM in our living room approximately two years ago, that we do NOT feel comfortable with DS going to NM's house under any circumstances. Despite that, NM kept making comments to the effect of, "Well if DS was at my house and NSJ called to say he was coming home early, I'd start packing him up and leave immediately. And if NSJ happened to show up unexpected or earlier than planned and asked who NSJ was, I would just tell him 'That's your grandpa. He did some stuff to your mommy when she was little that hurt your mommy really bad and that's why your mommy doesn't want you around your grandpa.'" I just said to NM, "ONE, that is too much adult stuff to put on a small child. TWO, we can circumvent the need for all that discussion IF DS ISN'T AT YOUR HOUSE!" The fact that NM keeps talking about DS coming to her house, even if she says that she knows it will never happen, tells me that she plans to get her way at some point.
I've decided that as soon as NM is back from her vacation in a day or two, I am going to sit down with her and tell her in no uncertain terms the following:
1) DS will NEVER be over at her house. He won't be there with dh and/or me and he most definitely would never be there without one of us present. Bottom line, there will never be ANY babysitting him at her house, no sleepovers, no "happy family" get-togethers at her house for holidays or birthdays, nothing. DS WILL NOT BE AT HER HOUSE AGAIN EVER.
2) It is entirely likely that I would NEVER feel comfortable with her taking DS out on her own as I simply DO NOT TRUST HER to respect and/or honor dh's and my wishes to not allow contact of any kind with NSJ. More to the point, I don't really see any need for her to take DS out on her own, especially to her home, so what would be the point in "working at it" to get there?
3) I do not desire at ANY point to EVER have contact of ANY kind with either NHS or NSJ again. I am not interested in meeting with them at some point to "talk things out", nor do I desire to hear about what they may or may not have said about me. This includes good or bad. The both of them are as good as dead to me and I do not desire any relationship of any kind with them now or at any point in the future. Period. End of story.
4) NM is welcome to visit DS here at my home provided she calls ahead of time to make sure it is okay and that we do not have other plans first.
If her motivation is as she claims and she just wants a relationship with myself and DS, then she will back off pushing me about taking DS out on her own and be content with what I'm willing to give her. That said, I do not anticipate that this discussion will go well which is why I plan to do it when DS is out of the house. However, I am hoping that NM will at least begrudgingly agree to do as I've asked.
And if she doesn't? Well, admittedly, I will be hurt and upset for a bit but I feel confident that I can handle whatever it is she throws my way. I just need to remind myself that I've already survived all they had to throw at me when I was just a defenseless child. Now, as an adult, I'm even stronger and more capable than before. (And of course I always have the option of going back to NC again should I choose!)
In other news, apparently my NHS and NBIL have plans to move back to our home state of Ohio after the first of the year. Supposedly NBIL has a friend who is willing to interview him and likely hire him. (Guess this "friend" doesn't know about NBIL's horrible employment history where he's never kept a job beyond a month or two.) According to my aunt N, quite coincidentally, this talk of moving to Ohio - as well as other talk about how horrible it apparently is where we currently live - began right around the same time that NM and I got back in touch and began trying to work on our relationship. It seems my sister dear can't handle the fact that I am back in the picture and that - according to aunt N and other extended FOO members - NM is much happier now that I'm back in her life.
I don't know whether to roll my eyes and gag at the pathetic-ness of the situation or laugh hysterically at how absurd it all is. To think that they would actually pull up and move away from friends and family all because of lil ole me? Are you serious??!! How dumb!
Their whole argument about (current state of residence) is that there are supposedly "too many minorities" here. Of course they used much more vulgar, racist terms but, you get the idea. Bottom line, NHS and NBIL are NEVER happy or content with ANYTHING. They have something negative to say about everything and I mean that most literally - truly, they find fault with everything and everyone. I've never met anyone more negative than the two of them.
The funniest thing of all - at least for me! - is that I know with 100% certainty that within just a few days, they will begin to complain about how "awful" it is up there and want to move back. If not within a few days than most certainly after enduring one of Ohio's freezing cold winters. Only, at that point, they will have sold their home here and be in far more debt than they are currently and they will have nowhere to go back TO. LOL Yep, funny stuff!
Well, I think that about does it for updates. Hope you're all doing well!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
ARRRGGGHHH!! I'm freaking SURROUNDED by N's!!
The N IL's strike again.
After having DS about 5 1/2 years ago, dh and I had decided that we were done having children. We didn't expect to want anymore at any point and we were content with that decision. Until recently.
Due to a recent - ahem - "incident", the possibility that I might be pregnant came to pass. Suddenly, dh and I began thinking, "What if?" and realized that maybe we weren't done having kids quite yet. The past week or so, we've done a lot of talking and thinking and have started to think that we may want to try for one more.
The "cons" for lack of a better word are:
1) Because dh's employer was kind enough to cut health coverage for me and ds a few years back, I no longer have maternity coverage. This would mean that we'd have to get Medicaid temporarily to cover my prenatal visits and care as well as to help us pay for the birth.
2) I am currently 35 (not that that is ancient by any means) but it does mean that I'm quickly approaching the end of my "window of opportunity" as I understand it. Yes, some women have babies later in life but I've always heard that the window begins to start closing at 35.
3) DS is currently 5 1/2. IF we were pregnant right now, that would mean that there would be a 6 year age difference between DS and the new baby which does cause us some concern.
4) There are a few more minor issues that worry me, like what if I have to have another c-section and am unable to provide the usual daily care for DS temporarily while I heal? Who will help us out? Dh can't take time off work, nor can he take DS to school every day for however long and then go back to pick him up after school. And since the bus system is horrible here - major bullying problems, etc. - him riding the bus isn't an option. It would help if I had any sort of family support here that I could count on but, obviously, I do not, so that is an issue.
Despite all the "cons" and our worries, dh and I have been feeling rather excited about the possibility and, in my excitement, I mentioned a few of my thoughts to MIL when she was here the other day. As crazy as MIL was when she found out we were expecting last time - and as obsessed and she has been with DS and my new nephew - I fully expected MIL would be over the moon with excitement at the prospect of having yet another addition to the family. Turns out, that was not the case at all.
MIL has this way of, instead of coming out and saying how she feels, wording things about how other people would probably feel or what she's heard from other people which is her way of saying that she doesn't agree with what you're saying. So MIL says that other people have always said you don't want more than 3 years difference in age between the two kids, blah blah, otherwise they might not get along, blah blah and that she just happened to agree with that line of thought. By the time she was through - and though it was in actuality probably only a few minutes that passed of her talking, it felt like much longer - I felt like an irresponsible idiot who was stupid for even considering having another baby given my advanced age, etc. I was very hurt and completely crushed. Whatever excitement I had before I talked to her was completely gone.
After a day of feeling down and doubting my decision to have another baby, I emailed my aunt N who - bless her - basically told me to screw my IL's and anyone else who didn't have anything supportive or kind to say! She said that 6 years difference didn't mean SQUAT provided that the arrival of a new baby didn't mean the exclusion of DS. So long as we included him in the process, DS would be just fine with the new baby. As for the financial aspects of the issue, aunt N said that there was no shame in having to go on assistance temporarily and that, after all, we'd been paying into it all these years hadn't we? So why not reap some of the benefits? It wasn't like we were taking advantage or exploiting the system like some people do. Rather, we were using it as it was intended to be used - for people with genuine need.
After speaking with my aunt N, I felt much better for a couple days. Then yesterday, I couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and bought a pregnancy test. It turned out it was negative but, while I was disappointed, I realized that didn't mean we couldn't still try so I was still excited to a point. Until yesterday evening.
I was soaking in the tub, relaxing, and dh came into the bathroom for a second and we started talking. At one point he mentioned that he wants to talk to his dad (FIL) about this whole issue. I said, "What for? Like his permission?" Dh said no, that he was looking for advice from his dad. I was like, "Advice about what?" and he said he just wanted to run things by his dad. I said something else and we went back and forth for a few minutes and then dhdh walked out of the room for some reason.
A bit later, we were in the living room - dh was watching tv while I worked on a sign I'm painting for a client - and we again began discussing the issue of dh talking with his dad about this topic. I finally said, "I still don't understand what it is you're looking for from your dad. Are you wanting his financial advice?" and dh responded, "No. I'm not 'looking for' anything." and then added, "I just want to ask him, am I being irresponsible financially by having this baby given our current finances and state of the economy, blah blah?" Despite all dh said, it certainly still sounds to me as if he is looking for something from his parents, specifically his father, be it validation, "permission" or whatever.
My feeling on the whole matter is, again, this is something that should be OUR decision and OURS alone. I know as surely as I know my own name, that MIL mentioned what I said to her a few days ago to FIL already and I can guarantee you that FIL will have much the same opinion as MIL did. My guess is that they both assume that, given our financial status, we will eventually look to them to foot the bill for the new baby but that is NOT the case. I don't need shit from my IL's, especially money-wise. And given their past behavior of holding things over our head and/or things coming with several strings attached, I'd rather live in a box and go on welfare permanently than to ask them for a single cent anyhow but, I digress.
At any rate, as I was saying before I got off on a bit of a tangent, I just know that FIL is going to say things he has no right saying to his son, about how HELL YEAH we'd be behaving irresponsibly by having another baby and about how that window of opportunity has "passed" for me/us and how he doesn't think it's a good idea. And I also know that, despite what dh may say about making up his own mind and his parents' opinions not having any effect on his decision, FIL negative speech WILL have an effect on dh's thoughts. Dh is already worried about how he'd provide for another person being that he is the sole provider. And, though he won't admit it, I know his pride also comes into play when he thinks about going on assistance even if only temporarily. Dh commented recently that, if we still had our old insurance with maternity coverage, he'd be 100% for it and ready to begin trying today. I think he very much wants another child but is scared about how he'll be able to provide for all of us. As a religious and resourceful woman, I know and trust it will all work out but dh is very logical minded - he's a man, after all - and isn't willing to trust on "it'll work out". Which I can understand in a way.
I'm just so sick of my IL's and the way they treat us like total idiots who are incapable of finding our way out of a paper bag. Dh and I have never been the type who do things impulsively. We think things through, especially when it's a big decision like whether or not to have another child. Despite our proving our capability to function and thrive on our own however, my IL's continue to treat us like stupid children, FIL especially. Furthermore, they know NOTHING of boundaries. There is no line that they view as being "uncrossable" because THEY are the parents and WE are the children and, as such, they have every right to steer us in the right direction or whatever. If dh and I were considering buying some uber-expensive luxury item, then I could see where FIL might have a right to say, "Umm...do you think that's wise given your current financial status?" But this is a BABY we're talking about. A baby that I will carry in MY womb for 9+ months and suffer through pregnancy and delivery with. A baby that WE will have the responsibility of protecting, nurturing, feeding and caring for, NOT MY IL'S!!! And, as such, I think they ought to BUTT THE FUCK OUT and keep their yaps shut if they don't have anything positive and/or supportive to say!
Honestly, sometimes they just piss me off so much! It's times like these when I wish we could just sell this house and move far, far away and start a whole new life free of stupid N family members. I get so sick of dealing with their rudeness and inappropriateness. Dh, being a (pretty much) "normie" just doesn't see it the way I do. He doesn't think his parents are perfect by any means and admits they have their faults. He just severely downplays those faults as being more of a mere nuisance than an actual problem. I, however, see more and more similarities between his P's and my NM as the time goes on.
One things for sure, I am done being all nicey nice with my IL's and trying to play happy family with them. From now on, I'll be civil, polite and respectful when I'm forced to be around them but I'll be damned if I'll extend myself beyond that. I'm through going above and beyond just to be crapped on and stabbed in the back and manipulated. To hell with them!
DA
After having DS about 5 1/2 years ago, dh and I had decided that we were done having children. We didn't expect to want anymore at any point and we were content with that decision. Until recently.
Due to a recent - ahem - "incident", the possibility that I might be pregnant came to pass. Suddenly, dh and I began thinking, "What if?" and realized that maybe we weren't done having kids quite yet. The past week or so, we've done a lot of talking and thinking and have started to think that we may want to try for one more.
The "cons" for lack of a better word are:
1) Because dh's employer was kind enough to cut health coverage for me and ds a few years back, I no longer have maternity coverage. This would mean that we'd have to get Medicaid temporarily to cover my prenatal visits and care as well as to help us pay for the birth.
2) I am currently 35 (not that that is ancient by any means) but it does mean that I'm quickly approaching the end of my "window of opportunity" as I understand it. Yes, some women have babies later in life but I've always heard that the window begins to start closing at 35.
3) DS is currently 5 1/2. IF we were pregnant right now, that would mean that there would be a 6 year age difference between DS and the new baby which does cause us some concern.
4) There are a few more minor issues that worry me, like what if I have to have another c-section and am unable to provide the usual daily care for DS temporarily while I heal? Who will help us out? Dh can't take time off work, nor can he take DS to school every day for however long and then go back to pick him up after school. And since the bus system is horrible here - major bullying problems, etc. - him riding the bus isn't an option. It would help if I had any sort of family support here that I could count on but, obviously, I do not, so that is an issue.
Despite all the "cons" and our worries, dh and I have been feeling rather excited about the possibility and, in my excitement, I mentioned a few of my thoughts to MIL when she was here the other day. As crazy as MIL was when she found out we were expecting last time - and as obsessed and she has been with DS and my new nephew - I fully expected MIL would be over the moon with excitement at the prospect of having yet another addition to the family. Turns out, that was not the case at all.
MIL has this way of, instead of coming out and saying how she feels, wording things about how other people would probably feel or what she's heard from other people which is her way of saying that she doesn't agree with what you're saying. So MIL says that other people have always said you don't want more than 3 years difference in age between the two kids, blah blah, otherwise they might not get along, blah blah and that she just happened to agree with that line of thought. By the time she was through - and though it was in actuality probably only a few minutes that passed of her talking, it felt like much longer - I felt like an irresponsible idiot who was stupid for even considering having another baby given my advanced age, etc. I was very hurt and completely crushed. Whatever excitement I had before I talked to her was completely gone.
After a day of feeling down and doubting my decision to have another baby, I emailed my aunt N who - bless her - basically told me to screw my IL's and anyone else who didn't have anything supportive or kind to say! She said that 6 years difference didn't mean SQUAT provided that the arrival of a new baby didn't mean the exclusion of DS. So long as we included him in the process, DS would be just fine with the new baby. As for the financial aspects of the issue, aunt N said that there was no shame in having to go on assistance temporarily and that, after all, we'd been paying into it all these years hadn't we? So why not reap some of the benefits? It wasn't like we were taking advantage or exploiting the system like some people do. Rather, we were using it as it was intended to be used - for people with genuine need.
After speaking with my aunt N, I felt much better for a couple days. Then yesterday, I couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and bought a pregnancy test. It turned out it was negative but, while I was disappointed, I realized that didn't mean we couldn't still try so I was still excited to a point. Until yesterday evening.
I was soaking in the tub, relaxing, and dh came into the bathroom for a second and we started talking. At one point he mentioned that he wants to talk to his dad (FIL) about this whole issue. I said, "What for? Like his permission?" Dh said no, that he was looking for advice from his dad. I was like, "Advice about what?" and he said he just wanted to run things by his dad. I said something else and we went back and forth for a few minutes and then dhdh walked out of the room for some reason.
A bit later, we were in the living room - dh was watching tv while I worked on a sign I'm painting for a client - and we again began discussing the issue of dh talking with his dad about this topic. I finally said, "I still don't understand what it is you're looking for from your dad. Are you wanting his financial advice?" and dh responded, "No. I'm not 'looking for' anything." and then added, "I just want to ask him, am I being irresponsible financially by having this baby given our current finances and state of the economy, blah blah?" Despite all dh said, it certainly still sounds to me as if he is looking for something from his parents, specifically his father, be it validation, "permission" or whatever.
My feeling on the whole matter is, again, this is something that should be OUR decision and OURS alone. I know as surely as I know my own name, that MIL mentioned what I said to her a few days ago to FIL already and I can guarantee you that FIL will have much the same opinion as MIL did. My guess is that they both assume that, given our financial status, we will eventually look to them to foot the bill for the new baby but that is NOT the case. I don't need shit from my IL's, especially money-wise. And given their past behavior of holding things over our head and/or things coming with several strings attached, I'd rather live in a box and go on welfare permanently than to ask them for a single cent anyhow but, I digress.
At any rate, as I was saying before I got off on a bit of a tangent, I just know that FIL is going to say things he has no right saying to his son, about how HELL YEAH we'd be behaving irresponsibly by having another baby and about how that window of opportunity has "passed" for me/us and how he doesn't think it's a good idea. And I also know that, despite what dh may say about making up his own mind and his parents' opinions not having any effect on his decision, FIL negative speech WILL have an effect on dh's thoughts. Dh is already worried about how he'd provide for another person being that he is the sole provider. And, though he won't admit it, I know his pride also comes into play when he thinks about going on assistance even if only temporarily. Dh commented recently that, if we still had our old insurance with maternity coverage, he'd be 100% for it and ready to begin trying today. I think he very much wants another child but is scared about how he'll be able to provide for all of us. As a religious and resourceful woman, I know and trust it will all work out but dh is very logical minded - he's a man, after all - and isn't willing to trust on "it'll work out". Which I can understand in a way.
I'm just so sick of my IL's and the way they treat us like total idiots who are incapable of finding our way out of a paper bag. Dh and I have never been the type who do things impulsively. We think things through, especially when it's a big decision like whether or not to have another child. Despite our proving our capability to function and thrive on our own however, my IL's continue to treat us like stupid children, FIL especially. Furthermore, they know NOTHING of boundaries. There is no line that they view as being "uncrossable" because THEY are the parents and WE are the children and, as such, they have every right to steer us in the right direction or whatever. If dh and I were considering buying some uber-expensive luxury item, then I could see where FIL might have a right to say, "Umm...do you think that's wise given your current financial status?" But this is a BABY we're talking about. A baby that I will carry in MY womb for 9+ months and suffer through pregnancy and delivery with. A baby that WE will have the responsibility of protecting, nurturing, feeding and caring for, NOT MY IL'S!!! And, as such, I think they ought to BUTT THE FUCK OUT and keep their yaps shut if they don't have anything positive and/or supportive to say!
Honestly, sometimes they just piss me off so much! It's times like these when I wish we could just sell this house and move far, far away and start a whole new life free of stupid N family members. I get so sick of dealing with their rudeness and inappropriateness. Dh, being a (pretty much) "normie" just doesn't see it the way I do. He doesn't think his parents are perfect by any means and admits they have their faults. He just severely downplays those faults as being more of a mere nuisance than an actual problem. I, however, see more and more similarities between his P's and my NM as the time goes on.
One things for sure, I am done being all nicey nice with my IL's and trying to play happy family with them. From now on, I'll be civil, polite and respectful when I'm forced to be around them but I'll be damned if I'll extend myself beyond that. I'm through going above and beyond just to be crapped on and stabbed in the back and manipulated. To hell with them!
DA
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
AMAZING post over at "Emerging From Broken" blog...
Happened upon an amazing blog post today about receiving bad advice and was blown away. Rarely have I come across someone who is able to put into words exactly what I've been feeling inside of me. Here's a snippet of the post:
People always told me things like “deal with it” and “get over it” and “put it behind you” They always seemed so impatient with me and even exasperated that I was still “there” and not over it.
Has anyone ever given you instructions on HOW to “deal with it”? Have you been giving information about HOW to get over it, that didn’t include statements to which you have to keep asking “how do I do that”? Just get over it. (HOW?) Just put it behind you. (HOW?) ~ “Give it to God”. (HOW?) To which the answer was “Have faith”. (HOW?) Well, you get the picture.
Has anyone ever given you instructions on HOW to “deal with it”? Have you been giving information about HOW to get over it, that didn’t include statements to which you have to keep asking “how do I do that”? Just get over it. (HOW?) Just put it behind you. (HOW?) ~ “Give it to God”. (HOW?) To which the answer was “Have faith”. (HOW?) Well, you get the picture.
Further down in the post, the author writes, "The real message out there in the world is don't deal with it."
It's never occurred to me before but, as I thought about it, I realized that the author is right - having someone say to you, "Get over it already." or "It's in the past. Put it behind you and move on." IS essentially them saying to you, "DON'T deal with it or, at the very least, don't talk about it." This is because it holds a mirror up to them and forces them to see what they don't want to acknowledge. It interferes with their hard work to go on pretending everything is "hunky dorey" when the truth is anything but.
As I'm sure is the case for many of you, if I had a nickel for every time my N FOO has said to me, "Get over it already." or "It's in the past. Move on already.", I'd be a freaking millionaire. Being invalidated in that way is, to me, almost worse than the original abuse we were made to suffer. Not only did/do we apparently deserve what we got but now we're not even entitled to our feelings about it! Talk about a wounding to the soul.
I hope you all will head over to "Emerging From Broken" and check out her other posts. I'm telling ya, there's some GOOD stuff over there! ;o)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Checking in...
The stress around here has eased up just a lil bit now that the house is officially on the market. We had a couple delays getting it up for sale but, as of this Monday, the house is on the market. We had our first showing today. No word from the realtor yet but we're keeping our fingers crossed. The houses around here seem to sell pretty quickly so, we're hopeful!
NM continues to be on decent behavior. There have been a couple comments here and there to the tone of "I wish all the kids could be together at Christmas" or "It would be so nice if ds could play with the other kids here in my neighborhood". On both occasions, I was quick to say - politely but firmly - "Ain't gonna happen NM." To her credit, NM did not push. Instead she said, "I know. Just wishful thinking on my part." and added that she's trying to let go and accept what is but it's hard.
As for me, I seem to be having a better time of letting the few comments NM makes roll off my back and not get to me. I'm hoping that I can continue along this way but realize that I may slide a bit here and there. As always, I'm ready to stand my ground much more firmly when the time arises.
Found out from talking with NM that my NHS has been homeschooling her two kids this school year. This news was very upsetting to me. NHS' level of malignancy makes NM look like a harmless kitten, and that's putting it mildly. The one silver lining in the whole situation for me was that those two children were at least exposed to some normalcy for a few hours each week day while they attended the local public school. But now, they are subjected to NHS' particular brand of insanity 24/7 and it just makes me extremely sad and worried for their eventual well-being. Even dh agrees that NHS and NBIL's way of thinking is extremely cult-like. It's just a crappy situation all around.
My aunt N revealed that NHS - who has apparently been studying to be a medical assistant of all things (what is it with these malignant N's wanting to go into the health care field?) - recently failed her exam. The big thing was that she failed in correctly putting on a T.E.D. sock - talk about easy peasy - and (NHS) claims that, after the lady told her she'd gotten that part wrong, NHS was too "flustered" and couldn't concentrate and so THAT is why she failed almost the entire exam. As always, it is NEVER NHS' fault. (Never ceases to amaze me just how many excuses an N can come up with as a means of shirking responsibility.) Now, supposedly, NHS is whining all over Facebook about how she can't retake the exam any time soon because they "can't afford the fee". Aunt N believes, as do I, that the only reason NHS is whining about not having money on FB is because she's counting on certain relatives to send her money and bail her out yet again. As I understand it, this is a weekly/monthly occurrence with NHS whining about not having money and either NHS' aunt (NSJ's sister) bailing them out or NSJ and NM sending NHS and NBIL money. Aunt N says that NSJ frequently takes money out of his retirement fund (which he and NM have already been quickly depleting to keep up with house payments, etc. lately) to send NHS cash. Yet I'M the irresponsible fuck up who needs to get off my lazy ass and get a job. Whatever!
The IL's have still been somewhat pissy and refuse to help out at all but dh and I haven't given them a second thought and have just been coming up with ways to do for ourselves. It's actually turned out kind of nice because it's brought dh and I closer and helped up be more resourceful. We're rather proud of what we've accomplished as of late. As for the IL's, we've just been keeping a bit of distance and leaving them to their crankiness. LOL
Still no word from NSM and NF which is just FINE by me. I'm curious as to whether or not we'll hear anything with Christmas coming up soon. They chose to ignore dh's and my anniversary in September as well as dh's birthday so it's possible we'll continue to hear nothing for Christmas. They may send ds something but, then again, they may choose to ignore him too. (Anything to get out of spending their precious money, don't you know.) Guess only time will tell, though I'm rather hoping the holiday passes without hearing from them. Who needs more of their over-the-top religious cards filled with intended guilt-trips like "We miss you."? Bah-humbug!
Hope you are all doing well. I'm hoping to be able to post more now that the house is on the market and I have a bit more time so, with luck, hopefully I'll have something more to post soon!
Warmly,
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
What the hell?? Freaking out a bit...
Got this in my email inbox earlier today:
Blogger has been notified, according to the terms of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), that certain content in your blog is alleged to infringe upon the copyrights of others. As a result, we have reset the post(s) to \"draft\" status. (If we did not do so, we would be subject to a claim of copyright infringement, regardless of its merits. The URL(s) of the allegedly infringing post(s) may be found at the end of this message.) This means your post - and any images, links or other content - is not gone. You may edit the post to remove the offending content and republish, at which point the post in question will be visible to your readers again.
A bit of background: the DMCA is a United States copyright law that provides guidelines for online service provider liability in case of copyright infringement. If you believe you have the rights to post the content at issue here, you can file a counter-claim. For more information on our DMCA policy, including how to file a counter-claim, please see http://www.google.com/dmca.html.
The notice that we received, with any personally identifying information removed, will be posted online by a service called Chilling Effects at http://www.chillingeffects.org
. We do this in accordance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). You can search for the DMCA notice associated with the removal of your content by going to the Chilling Effects search page at http://www.chillingeffects.org/search.cgi, and entering in the URL of the blog post that was removed.
If it is brought to our attention that you have republished the post without removing the content/link in question, then we will delete your post and count it as a violation on your account. Repeated violations to our Terms of Service may result in further remedial action taken against your Blogger account including deleting your blog and/or terminating your account. If you have legal questions about this notification, you should retain your own legal counsel.
Sincerely,
The Blogger Team
Blogger has been notified, according to the terms of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), that certain content in your blog is alleged to infringe upon the copyrights of others. As a result, we have reset the post(s) to \"draft\" status. (If we did not do so, we would be subject to a claim of copyright infringement, regardless of its merits. The URL(s) of the allegedly infringing post(s) may be found at the end of this message.) This means your post - and any images, links or other content - is not gone. You may edit the post to remove the offending content and republish, at which point the post in question will be visible to your readers again.
A bit of background: the DMCA is a United States copyright law that provides guidelines for online service provider liability in case of copyright infringement. If you believe you have the rights to post the content at issue here, you can file a counter-claim. For more information on our DMCA policy, including how to file a counter-claim, please see http://www.google.com/dmca.html.
The notice that we received, with any personally identifying information removed, will be posted online by a service called Chilling Effects at http://www.chillingeffects.org
. We do this in accordance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). You can search for the DMCA notice associated with the removal of your content by going to the Chilling Effects search page at http://www.chillingeffects.org/search.cgi, and entering in the URL of the blog post that was removed.
If it is brought to our attention that you have republished the post without removing the content/link in question, then we will delete your post and count it as a violation on your account. Repeated violations to our Terms of Service may result in further remedial action taken against your Blogger account including deleting your blog and/or terminating your account. If you have legal questions about this notification, you should retain your own legal counsel.
Sincerely,
The Blogger Team
The post they are referring to was a post titled "What Makes A Relationship Healthy?" that I had posted on here a little over a year ago now. There are a couple things that don't sit right with me:
1.) I don't feel I did anything wrong, or at least nothing I haven't seen dozens of other blog writers do a bunch of times. I quoted a few snippets from an online article - only what I needed to get my point across - and made sure to give full credit to the author/source, including giving a link to the article online for those who wished to read the full article. As a "small potatoes" blog writer, you wouldn't think anyone would care about the couple dozen people reading the quoted snippets, particularly since I'm hardly getting any money from the post.
2.) I find it rather hard to believe that the original author/source of the online article just happened to stumble upon my puny blog and take such great offense at the few snippets I quoted.
It seems far MORE likely to me that someone - for some reason I feel in my gut this was NHS - filed the report either to cause trouble for me or because they didn't like what I'd said about them in the article.
According to Blogger, only someone with rights to the content can file a DMCA report but how exactly do they go about this? Does this mean that Blogger takes the time to investigate EVERY SINGLE REPORT filed to make sure the person making the accusation has the right to do so? Nothing against Blogger - they may well do just that - but I'm thinking it much more likely that they just ask, "Do you have ownership of this content and/or the right to claim it?" and if that person says, "Yep." that's good enough and considered "proof".
I clicked on the links provided to me but haven't been able to find anything at all regarding the claim, most important, who the hell filed it. Everything so far has come up "No Match Found", which is another thing I find curious.
I decided to delete the "used-to-be-post-now-draft" so as not to get into any further trouble. I kind of wish I hadn't done that now as it might be useful to be able to go back and re-read the post but, at the time, I saw no way to edit it in order to comply with the DMCA complaint and was afraid that, even saved as a draft, it might somehow show up on my blog and get me into more trouble.
What really freaks me out is that, according to what I've read online - what little I've been able to understand - the fact that this DMCA report was filed against me now means I have a "strike" against me. This "strike" is permanent and will now follow me everywhere I go online.
I'm so angry about this! If someone on here was upset by something, why didn't they just contact me via email like a mature adult and give me the chance to remove or edit the content first before taking (what I see as) such extreme measures and filing a DMCA report against me?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
