Thursday, October 4, 2012

The NMIL saga (cont'd.)...

So, after much thought, I had decided to handle things myself with NMIL. Because I feared she might try to lie and claim I'd been mean to her if I called her on the phone to talk with her, I decided to go the email route so I'd have proof that I'd been civil and respectful. Here's the email I sent her:

Hey (NMIL's name),

Am writing to you as there is something I would like to discuss with you. There have been several instances now where you've seemingly gone over my head or behind my back where making plans are concerned. I don't even know if you're aware of what you're doing but it feels like you are deliberately going out of your way to avoid having to speak to me. I want to believe it's unintentional and you don't mean anything by your actions but it's difficult when I know dh has told you himself on at least two occasions to speak to me yet you've continued to go through him.

Have I done something to anger or upset you in some way? I can't recall anything specific but maybe you were offended by something I said or did? If so, I apologize. I care very much for you and hope you know that I would never want to hurt or offend you. Hopefully, if there is something, we can talk about it and work it out.

Love you and hope to hear from you soon.


I sent the email around noon yesterday and, at the time I started writing this post, I still hadn't heard from NMIL. Around 9:33am, I was checking my email and up popped an email from her. It reads:

I did not deliberated talk to [dh's name] first sorry if i offended you. He did tell me to check with you I am just use to talking to him and asking if he is interested in something..I know u keep up with your family schedule more than he does. In the further i will talk with u . I hope there are no hard feelings. thanks for bringing this to my attention, please feel like u can talk to me anytime. Love u!! Wasn"t sure this was from u I hesitated to open it sooner.

I suppose I should have expected as much. No way would NMIL be so careless as to email me back with what she REALLY thinks and feels, thereby giving me proof that I could then turn around and show dh. No, better to keep it so that it's only my word against hers since she believes dh will always side with HER. Sadly, the truth is, I think NMIL may be right about that.

Last night, after telling dh about the email I'd sent to NMIL - I figured he'd find out about it sooner or later and I'd rather he heard it from ME first before his NM potentially added her spin to it - he was VERY upset with me. Apparently I should have checked with him first and discussed it with him. By not doing so, I've put him in the middle and "disrespected him" and basically told him "Fuck you" and implied that he's a pussy ass momma's boy who can't handle his mommy. While there is some truth to that - sorry, but it's just reality - my intention was never to disrespect my dh in any way. I was simply trying to handle things myself and put an end to NMIL's treatment of me since the few (heavily sugar-coated) times dh has talked with his NM haven't done shit. 

Despite my good intentions however, apparently I'm still in the wrong. Truly, no matter what I seem to do, it's a lose/lose/lose situation for me. If I leave it to dh and trust him to handle it, it doesn't get handled and I'm stuck being disrespected by his NM as well as having dh mad at me for "putting him in the middle" and pushing him to confront his mom. If I handle it myself, dh is angry with me for disrespecting him and taking matters into my own hands. If I give up and concede to NMIL and just let her win, then dh and NMIL are happy but I'm left to live out my life feeling miserable as well as having my resentment toward dh build until it really begins to cause problems in our marriage.

In addition to telling me I'd disrespected and emasculated him, he also totally invalidated my feelings, thoughts and experiences regarding what's been going on with his NM. He told me that a few times of her going behind my back or over my head does NOT constitute as her "disrespecting" me or "treating me like shit" and that I'm once again making a huge deal out of a small thing. In other words, I'm too sensitive and over-reacting. And so, what I've long suspected regarding dh's view of things - that he truly doesn't get it - has been 100% confirmed. Way to make me feel supported dh, thanks a bunch.

It's becoming clearer and clearer that, despite dh's fierce protests, his mommy (and the rest of his FOO) will always come first. Truly, I'm left feeling very defeated and hopeless. I can either continue fighting for myself which will result in dh getting angry with me and causing repeated fights between us (and potentially ruin our marriage) OR I can give up and just be miserable until NMIL finally dies.

This sucks. :o(


  1. "This sucks" is right.

    Has your DH EVER shown any understanding about how his NM treats you? Has he ever shown any compassion at all, or tried to see what you are trying so desperately to explain to him?

  2. Recently, VERY briefly, when I was verbally attacked on Facebook by dh's cousin, dh's eyes seemed to be opened. It felt like FINALLY he was seeing them a bit for who they were, his NM included as it was clear by things his cousin said that they'd all been gossiping about me and badmouthing me. Dh said that we were a package deal and that if they didn't want ME around, then they obviously didn't want HIM around either. I was SO HAPPY.......for a few days. Then dh apparently began rationalizing things to himself and the blinders went back on and it was once again me against all of them, dh included.

    The closest I can get besides that is to get dh to admit that his mom crossed a boundary a bit or acted a bit inappropriately but it is always, always, ALWAYS not intentional on her part and/or me being too sensitive and over-reacting. It's like he sees her behavior as so much as a gnat that keeps flying into one's field of vision. A bit annoying perhaps but hardly worth getting upset about or pitching a fuss over. He just can't see her as anything other than this innocent martyr who would never so much as think an ill thought of anyone else and it's just not realistic. NMIL may not be the devil incarnate or outright EVIL but she IS, at the very least, human and, thus, capable of making mistakes and occasionally doing bad things.

    Believe you me, I have empathy for dh's position in one respect. I get that he feels divided loyalty to both of us and I hate that that has to be the case and that he's constantly put into that position by his NM's behavior. Truly, I do. But he married ME, NOT his mother and, as such, his primary loyalty should be to me and his family with ds and I.

  3. I know it took me quite a while to finally 'see' how my mother's behavior affected my marriage. My husband would be very frustrated because I was trained to see that mother's behavior was not her fault. A couple of blogs and counseling finally opened my eyes. I hope you don't give up on yourself.

  4. I'm the same as Ruth. It took years for me to "see the light" as to how unhealthy my entire Nfamily was.
    I got really angry at DH when he dragged me to counseling. I felt like I was being ganged up on - first by DH and then even the therapist was on HIS side! Up until this point in my life, I had been engulfed in it for 20+ years so I had no idea that there even WAS a problem! It felt like I had just run head first into a brick wall - physically and emotionally. I was mad, sad, torn... a giant ball of emotions.

    Just remember it's going to be a lot for him to process.


  5. My MIL was not really a problem, but my relationship with my parents made me wary. I won't say that she did not cross a boundary now and again, but I would have been able to laugh at it (and with her) had I been more in touch.

    This is NOT to say this is your situation. The point I want to make is that my husband has always supported me in communications with my family members. I am not a fan of third party communication.

    Congrats to you for breaking the cycle. I hope that it works out possitively for you!