Wednesday, August 6, 2014

An interaction with NHS and NBIL...

Well, my birthday came and went with zero acknowledgment from my NF and NSM, as well as my three step-siblings. That was expected but still hurt. I wish there was some way to just stop caring. It sucks and makes it damn near impossible to enjoy any event or holiday when all I can seem to think about is being unwanted and not cared about by my own father and all three of my siblings.

My NM invited me over to her house for a nice dinner on my bday. She mentioned that my NHS, NBIL and their two kids would be there also and that she understood if I didn't want to come but said that she'd spoken with NHS and NHS had agreed to be polite and civil. I didn't really want to go, especially on my birthday, but knew the hellish drama that would follow if I didn't show - namely that I'd be labeled as the one who couldn't even be civil, etc. - so I reluctantly agreed to go. Was a bit nervous as I didn't really know what to expect. Well, as it turned out, I was treated like a non-entity the entire hour and a half they were there by NHS and her entire family. Well, actually, that's not entirely true - my niece actually smiled at me and seemed friendly enough. She even seemed to want to play with my ds but the second she'd start to make a move toward ds, NHS would come over and my niece would go back to ignoring me/us. I tried on several occasions to be neutral and civil and make small talk only for NHS and NBIL to act like I wasn't even there.

My nephew was constantly running to his mom's side any time I'd enter the room she was in. Clearly NHS and NBIL have demonized me to the point that their children feel a need to fear me. It's just so sad.

On one occasion, I returned from the kitchen to find NBIL smiling and talking to dh only to give me a dirty look and walk off as soon as I came over and said 'hello'. On another occasion, I made a comment to NHS and she began talking to NM as if NM was the one who'd made the comment. They wouldn't even make EYE CONTACT with me. This was especially true of NHS. It was so absurd and yet, somehow, still incredibly hurtful. I was actually tempted to leave within about 5 minutes of them being there but dh said I shouldn't let them run me off. Looking back, I wish I'd said, "Fuck this" and just left.

I spoke with NM a few days later about NHS and her behavior. NM said she'd spoken with NHS and NHS said that if I'd apologize for threatening to turn her and NBIL into Child and Family Services for supposed abuse of their children (something I NEVER said or threatened to do at any point in time) then she'd CONSIDER being civil and respectful when we were around each other. I told NM that NHS could stick it, that I wasn't going to apologize for something I DIDN'T DO and that, even if I had, happened over FIVE YEARS AGO during an argument. I went on to say that clearly NHS was more interested in holding some ridiculous grudge than she was in being mature and that I was just fine if I went the rest of my life without ever seeing or speaking to NHS and her family again. NM said she understood but felt bad that NHS' kids and my ds would never get to know one another. I told NM that wasn't my fault and that I would not accept responsibility for that fact.

Then, about two weeks ago, NM went out with NSJ and they bought yet another brand new car for NM. Instead of trading in their other old car, they kept it and just bought the other one - brand new and with all the bells and whistles of course. Now, I had just been saying to NM not even two days previous, how dh's car (that was purchased new back in 1999) was really starting to wear out and how we were going to need a new car soon and I didn't know how we were going to afford it, etc. So I was really ticked that, when I asked NM what they were going to do with the 3rd car, NM stated that NSJ had already made plans to give it (not sell it, GIVE it free and clear) to NHS and NBIL. To add insult to injury, two days after that incident, NM made the comment to me that she "wished she had a car to give me to help me out"! I felt like screaming at her, "You DID have an extra car and, as always, instead of thinking of me, you give it to NHS and NBIL!!!!"

Speaking of which, if I have to hear one more time about how "great" NHS and NBIL are and how much better they are and how they've "turned their life around", I'm going to either scream or puke. NHS and NBIL are the same immature, irresponsible asshats they've always been. All the proof I needed of that was the hour and a half I spent with them at NM's on my bday. They haven't changed a bit except to get older.

Since the whole get-together with NHS and NBIL, a lot of emotional stuff that I thought I'd dealt with and gotten past has come back up. I've found myself feeling a bit depressed but, more than anything, just plain ole angry. How DARE NHS say that *I* need to apologize to her and her family! How dare she act like she is the victim and I some kind of depraved criminal. What about her apology to ME for slandering my name to anyone who would listen, be they old friends and even doctors that we share? What about her husband's apology for writing a hateful, nasty letter about me and then sending it to my mother and my husband (who was at work at the time) and saying that my dh needed to "get his woman under control"? I've spent my entire life - most of it anyway - trying to be "good enough" so that my NHS would want a relationship with me, so that we could be close and have the sisterly relationship I've always wanted. And it has never, not even ONCE, been good enough for her. Which is another thing, coincidentally, that I said to NM - that I could go ahead and jump through this newest hoop laid before me by NHS, I could apologize for my "sins" exactly as she's demanding, and I guarantee you it would STILL not be enough. She'd find yet another thing to demand of me in order for me to prove my loyalty and worthiness to her. It's never enough and it never will be and, damn it, I'm sick of bending over backward until my back is broken and of making myself physically ill just to receive more demands and crap from everyone!

Have been trying really hard to remember it's them and not me but those old feelings of worthlessness and "badness" are creeping up and lurking again. Am seriously considering upping my Zoloft when I go to the doctor for my next appointment. Think I could use it.