Saturday, May 29, 2010

Had another dream the other night...

In this dream, my step-GM had just passed away and I was staying at her house in order to start going through things. It was very dark and every time I tried to turn on a light, I'd find it wouldn't work. I walked into the hallway and suddenly there were all these strangers there. When I asked what they were doing, they said they were there to go through my step-GM's things and get rid of it all. I was very upset because they were just going so fast and I kept telling them to stop, that I had to go through that stuff first to see if I wanted anything, etc. Within moments they'd cleared most everything out and very little was left. That's when I woke up.

I think this is pretty much a re-enactment of what occurred in real life. All my life (since my P's divorced when I was just 9 months old and NM married SJ just three months later), it's been drilled into my head that SJ's mother was my grandmother and was more of a GM than my dad's mom had ever been, blah blah. Fortunately, SJ's mom was an angel, a very kind, loving woman who made it easy to love her and accept her as my GM.

When she passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, due to complications from a surgery she'd had, I was very upset. Part of my anguish was guilt because I'd kept busy and hadn't found the time to call her as often as I should have or as I would have liked. Like so many people, I thought there'd be plenty more time for phone calls. I felt, and still feel, very guilty for not calling her before she died to tell her how much I loved her and how much she'd meant to me.

The other part of my upset at her passing, other than the pain of losing her, was that I was given nothing to remember her by. All of the inheritance money and all of her things were split up amongst my NM, SJ and NHS and I was given nothing. And after years of being browbeaten by my NM and SJ that this woman was my grandmother and more so than my real GM!

Lest anyone think me greedy, I could care less about any monies. My only care in that area is that I know it would have upset my GM that I was excluded. What I care most about is that I don't even have a single picture to remember her by. When I asked my NM and NHS for one shortly after my GM's passing, I was told that they couldn't part with any of their pictures. They wouldn't even scan one into the computer so I could have a copy!

I really wish my GM was still here. She'd adore my ds and would probably be so proud of me for overcoming all the dysfunction the way I have. Oh, how I miss that woman!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Do I just have a target on my head or what?

So I decided to go ahead and unfriend and block my FOO on Facebook a couple days ago. After giving it much thought, I just decided that I was tired of being mostly ignored and having the only comments from them be P/A crap posted on my FB wall. So, I deleted them all from my friends list. I haven't gone NC at this time however and they can still email me for now.

Yesterday morning I went to log onto FB and, as I'm reading, I'm wondering who these people are posting on my wall. Then I see a message from my aunt N which I read because I'm wondering how she managed to post on my wall when I'd blocked her the day before. Well, as it turned out, my dh had forgotten to log out of his FB account the night before and I was reading on HIS wall, not mine. Since we share a computer, it happens from time to time.

Getting back to what my aunt N wrote, apparently she updated her status to "(her name) is disgusted". Just in reading that, I KNEW this was about me because that's the exact same phrase, word for word, that she used when my NHS would pull a stupid stunt and then once when she was upset with my NM.

Here's the rest of it:

Aunt N: so disgusted.

(Of course a couple of friends ask her what is up and make some suggestions as to what might be wrong.)

Aunt N: All of the above, plus I can't stand how immature some people are. Life should be lived to the fullest-some people just don't get it! By nature I'm a very positive person, and I try to keep that in my heart and in my mind every day. I hate when other people's negative energy affects my day.

(I knew when I unfriended all of them the label of choice assigned to me would be "immature".)

Aunt S: I love you are one of my favorite sisters!!!!

NM: (Cause you just know SHE had to get in on this.) Hey yeah sista-you're one of my favs too!

GM: Hey, I think I love you too!


That was all I saw at the time and I haven't checked back.

At first, I laughed it off. However, as I was doing my dishes and cleaning my kitchen (after dealing with an ant invasion in there yesterday morning, UGH!), I couldn't help but think about it and the more I thought about it, the more pissed I became.

They sit there behind the scenes, all of them too chicken shit to contact me directly and have a MATURE, respectful conversation with me. Instead, they all sit there at their computers and on their phones incessantly gossiping and frantically emailing one another with the latest gossip and yet I'M the immature one? My NM has been caught in many lies, has spent the past four months continuing to lie and smear my name and has apparently even begun to smear MIL's name to anyone who will listen and yet I'M the immature one?

Oh, and I also happened to notice just as I logged off dh's account that aunt N also joined a FB group called "I HATE LIARS". I think it's pretty safe to assume that one's about me as well. If not, at the very least, I find it terribly ironic.

I am so tempted - though I can promise I'll refrain for now - to email all of them and just tell them to go f**k themselves and then add what I typed above about how they're all gossiping and too chicken shit to ask me for MY side of the story, etc. yet they dare label ME immature, ridiculous, etc.

They're all so fake and stupid. They act like we're all this big, loving family when, in reality, everyone gossips about the other behind their back and rarely has a kind word to say. I hope they all choke on their fake ass sentiments to one another. What a joke!

I also can't help but wonder if they all knew the awful things NM says about them behind their backs if they'd still be so eager to stand at her side and defend the bitch. Of course, I'm sure it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. After all, they've outed my NM in lies multiple times and while they may be mad and not speak to her for a few days, ultimately they go right back to taking her side and leaving me out in the cold.

As if all this wasn't bad and hurtful enough, I shared what I'd found and my feelings about it on a board I go to and found myself under attack from a supposed fellow DoNM there. In her first post to me, this person writes:

Sorry to say, my NM would have poked around my fb page....that is crossing a boundary, an invasion of privacy and as long as you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you've got. Please don't take offense, but sometimes ignorance IS bliss and silence is golden..."

Basically she compares me to her NM, says I invaded my dh's privacy as if I'd deliberately gone snooping rather than just happening upon his page when he forgot to log out and then infers that I got what I deserved for being weak and peeking at what my NM wrote!

In my experience, when someone prefaces what they're about to say with "Don't take offense but...", they're about to say something they KNOW is offensive.

I responded to her that, with all due respect, I actually DID take offense to what she said and that I felt her blaming ME for being hurt by reading my aunt N's post was like telling me that I was to blame for the pain my NM has caused me too because "I could have walked away" or set better boundaries.

Instead of apologizing, which several others stated they would have done, she fired back with this: "Not saying you deserved it, nobody deserves to be hurt; but you could have avoided it. Simply... logout and login on your own page. We do what we know. Nothing will change until you change. And it's very, very difficult. Right now I think you just want to be angry, which is understandable. But one sided communication gets you nowhere. Use the anger to create something positive."

I felt her comments were way out of line and extremely condescending and rude. Apparently others felt the same as they stated as much. I also felt very targeted and singled out by this person. All the more so because her words were the exact same words my N FOO has said to me a thousand times before - that I deserved what I got for being a certain way or that I obviously "just wanted to be angry" with the implication that I was somehow wrong for feeling angry. Because of this, I spent all evening yesterday very upset and cried myself to sleep.

I wonder if the day will ever come when I'm able to just shrug off hurtful comments like these? I certainly pray that it does. In the meantime, I feel as if I must have a target on my head or a tattoo that reads, "Abuse me!", since people like my N FOO and that poster seem to seek me out.

Monday, May 17, 2010

What a bitch!

While my MIL was visiting today, she told me that this lady she works with, "Pat", was getting her nails done the other day and guess who she happened to wind up sitting next to and getting into a conversation with? You guessed it, NM!

NM was going on talking about dh's and my wedding and how HER side of the family showed dh's side "how to have a good time". She was apparently being very derogatory about dh's family. For the record, her main gripe is that they are Baptists and don't drink or dance. *eye roll*

At one point, Pat mentioned she worked at a local drug store, which NM knows is where MIL works, and NM says, "Oh, well then you must know DA's MIL." Pat said, "Oh yes! I know (MIL's name)! She's a very good friend of mine! Lovely woman. A real sweetheart!" NM's response? "Ugh. She's a dead head!"

Had to look that one up. I knew it was obviously an insult. Turns out it basically means dumb or "slow witted". Can you believe the sheer nerve of that woman??!!

Fearing MIL may be hurt by NM's comment I said, "Well, I suppose being a 'dead head' is better than being a shallow, narcissistic BITCH." We both laughed at that one.

Only thing I can say (aside from reiterating what a bitch my NM is) is that she's obviously deteriorating in her facade because she has never been so bold in public like that before. But, really, what a rude cow!

For the record, anyone who knows my MIL knows that Pat is right, MIL's a sweetheart and a good soul. Very kind and giving, often to her own detriment since she'd rather go without and give to others.

At some point NM is going to get fed up "waiting for me to come to my senses" and will contact me. She'd better watch out because I have LOTS to say to her and, suffice it to say, it WON'T be nice. Naturally I know it won't do any good but at least it'll allow me the chance to get it off my chest and give all this negative crap back to her, where it belongs.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010


So I log onto Facebook yesterday and see this updated status message for my (maternal) grandmother: "The greatest gift a mom can have is having all her kids remember her on mom's day. I love you guys, you're the best." It's written as if it's to her kids, my aunts and uncle, but I'm betting it was written the way it was for my benefit. My best guess is that my NM was on the phone that evening or early the next morning at the latest whining about how she got nothing from me on Mother's Day. Boo hoo hoo, woe is her!

So far, not much response except my two aunts wrote, "Ditto! Love you mom!", though I doubt that part was aimed at me. It'll be interesting to see if they say anything else.

Can't remember if I posted about it here but I get these "Daily Messages From God" on an app on Facebook. A few days ago, the message read:

On this day, God wants you to know...that family is not a name for a group of people, but the quality of relationships between them. Relationships grounded in mutual love, trust, caring and forgiveness. In all the ups and all the downs of life. Look closely, - who is really your family, and who in truth are just strangers in for the ride?

I commented that it was oddly spot on and a few of my fellow DoNM sisters chipped in their agreeance. Then I got this comment from my GM: "Hey DA, I hope this wasn't for all of us in Ohio. We are family, or so I thought."

At first, I was pissed and wanted to snark something back. However, I quickly realized that not only would it do no good, it was probably exactly what she/they wanted because it would open the door for them to launch into a tirade about all the ways I'm wrong and hurting my poor mother, etc. since Heaven forbid they do the MATURE thing and confront me directly and have an adult conversation about anything.

I also found her comment extremely ironic considering the fact that, since I went NC with my NM, I haven't heard so much as a peep from most of them when, prior to that, we'd emailed regularly. Yet I'm supposed to believe they care about me and are "family"? I wish I could respond, "DITTO. I also thought we were family. Apparently I was wrong." But, again, it wouldn't change anything and would only serve to be used as further evidence of my "badness" and "disrespect". (Where IS that eye roll smiley when you need it? LOL)

When all this first began, I was terribly distraught at the possibility of losing my extended family. But then, the more I thought about it, I began to realize that not only do these people not know me, I don't really know them. Between NM and SJ moving us hours away when NHS and I were young and then NM triangulating the relationships and smearing me every chance she got, there's no relationship there to lose. Don't misunderstand me, there's still a bit of hurt at the prospect but, for the most part, I'm realizing that it's hard to lose what you were never given the chance to have in the first place. So, now, I've detached and am finding that it's not so terrible after all.

Since I'm sure NM will not let my "disrespect" at ignoring her on Mother's Day go unpunished, it'll be interesting to see what's coming in the upcoming days. At this point, she seems to be floundering a bit. None of her old tricks have worked and the few new ones she was able to come up with backfired on her as well. I don't know whether to cringe or look on in interest at what she'll come up with next.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

It's Mother's Day...

Rather than waste any time reflecting on "you know who", I wanted to use this opportunity to express my joy at the best job I've ever had - being the mother of my dear ds.

To my sweet ds, I love you more than life itself.
Being your mommy and watching you grow has been the biggest joy of my life. You are my light and my reason for being. I love you more than you will ever know. This is my song to you...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Mother's Day is coming...

May 9th. Mother's Day. And, ironically enough, also the date marking four months of being no contact with my NM.

I'm finding that I have mixed feelings about this upcoming holiday. Part of me is excited to honor my stepmother and MIL on that day, to thank them for their motherly contributions to my life. I'm also excited to see what my dh and ds decide to do to honor me since I'm now a mother. Becoming a mother is definitely my greatest accomplishment in my life. Best job I ever had and, while the pay isn't so good, the benefits are amazing and more than make up for it.

However, there's also a part of me that isn't looking forward to this day. That part of me is sad and angry. Angry at all the hurt and wrongs that were perpetrated against me all those years. Angry at the mother who was supposed to protect me but instead decided to put her own comfort and needs first and just stood by and allowed me to be mistreated and abused. Sad for what might have been if only my mother had been willing to really listen and hear my pain. If only she'd cared. If only she wasn't so self-centered. If only she wasn't a narcissist.

This will be the first Mother's Day that I won't be calling my NM or giving her a gift. Last year, despite being temporarily NC, I sent my NM a lovely floral arrangement along with a note that said something about hoping we could find some middle ground and forage a new, closer relationship with one another. I closed by telling her I loved her very much and wanted her in my life. At the time I wrote it, I still had hopes that we could somehow get past the giant wall her narcissism put between us and find a way to be in eachother's lives. That hope is now dead and gone, never to return.

I'm sure there will be much drama and fallout when NM doesn't receive anything from me. I may even hear from some extended FOO, most of whom have pretty much refrained from commenting to me thus far. (Note that I didn't say they have refrained from getting involved. They've certainly snarked about me with my NM and gossiped about me with other FOO members but, for the most part, the majority of them haven't yet contacted me with their complaints and guilt trips.)

NM, I'm sure, will use my continued "disrespect" of her to further her victim status. She whine and boo hoo how I've supposedly hurt her yet again....and after all she's done for me too, oh woe is her! What ever did she do to deserve such a wretched daughter as me?!! Whatever. The more time goes by, the less I care what she thinks, says or does.

I hope to be able to set aside the negativity surrounding Mother's Day this year and just enjoy myself. At least this year (and every one thereafter) GUILT won't be part of the equation. I know with total certainty that I truly did do everything I could to try and make it work and, despite those efforts, nothing changed.

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever see or talk with my NM again. At present time, I have ZERO interest in doing either. While there is a part of me that misses having a mom in my life (even if she was a horrid one), the feelings of relief and freedom I've discovered in going NC are not something I'm willing to give up. Not to mention that I'd be exposing myself and my family - especially my young ds - to her toxicity again by resuming contact, which is absolutely out of the question. Still, I can't help but wonder what the future may bring. It would take something awfully significant though to make me go back...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

More memories...

Been a while since I last posted. Truthfully, I don't have a lot to talk about anymore. After that last incident with my aunt N, I told her I didn't want to hear anything more about my NM and she has respected my wishes and kept things to herself. In fact, I haven't spoken to her about anything as she hasn't contacted me and I'm still a bit upset with her for being so dismissive and hurtful to me in not believing me when I told her my truth but, once my dh reiterated what I'd already said, suddenly accepting it. Basically she was saying that MY word isn't good enough on it's own which both angered and upset me a great deal.

Anyways, between nothing really happening and me trying to move on with my life, I've been trying to focus on spending time with my dh and ds instead of reading and posting on various NM boards, which only serves to make me think about my dysfunctional FOO and then THAT, in turn, makes me upset and angry all over again. However, after having a series of bad dreams last night about being back in that abusive situation with my FOO, I figured I'd pop over to my favorite NM board for a bit to read and share what's been going on. In doing so, I came across a blog entry from a friend of mine in which she tells of her N FOO's "jokes". Now, if you're an ACON like I am, you know that when an N tells a "joke" it's NOT a joke at all but is designed to hurt and humiliate you. Just another tool in their abuse arsenal to use against you.

Her blog entry got me to thinking about my own N FOO's many "jokes" over the years. There are a couple that stand out to me. The first occurred when I was pretty young. I'd say maybe 14 or so. We'd gone to my grandmother's camp ground in Florida to visit with her and her then bf. While we were there, I met this guy. He was the grandson, I think, of the owner of the campground. He was a good bit older than me but, the second I saw him, I fell headlong into a full on crush. I spent a great deal of my time that vacation simply walking along the many roads and trails of the campground, just hoping to catch a glimpse of my crush. When it came time to go, I was quite upset. It all seems silly, looking back but, to a young girl, my heart felt like it was breaking. OF COURSE my N FOO took it as another opportunity to abuse and humiliate me.

The stepjerk immediately started in laughing at me. "HA HA!! The Stork (SJ's abusive nickname for me, another way to humiliate me) is crying cause she misses the camp garbage man!! What did you think, Stork? That you were in the movie Dirty Dancing and were going to fall in love and run away with him? HA HA!!" My NM and N half sis were both laughing at me as well. I just laid in the back seat and cried, partly due to a broken heart but also do to my hatred for them at their cruelty at that moment.

Another "joke" of SJ's that I remember distinctly happened a bit more recently. I think I was around 25 at the time (I'll be 34 this July). I'd been working as a foster mom for the local Humane Society then and had just gotten another puppy to take care of and wanted to show her off. I had called my NM a bit earlier in the day and said I wanted to stop by and show them the new pup and she said sure. As I usually do, I called when I was ready to leave and SJ answered the phone. I can't remember what else was said but I DO remember his little "joke". He said to me, "Don't come over, okay? Your mom's drunk and falling all over the place. She just pushed over my chair. So don't come over, okay?" I managed to say, "Okay..." and then SJ hung up the phone.

I just stood there for the longest time - or for what FELT like a long time - trying to figure out what was going on. In all the years I've known my NM, she has NEVER gotten drunk, especially not the to the point of falling over. (Though the same can NOT be said of SJ who I consider an alcoholic.) She'll have a drink or two and maybe get the tiniest bit tipsy but that's it. I had this awful, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach but couldn't understand what was going on.

I walked into the living room to where my dh was sitting and, as soon as he saw my face, he jumped up, frantic, and asked me, "What's going on? What's wrong?" I immediately burst into tears and did my best to explain what my SJ had said to me and that I didn't understand why he'd say that and was concerned about what was going on.

In the 15 or so years dh and I have been together, I have VERY rarely seen him truly angry. That's not to say he doesn't get upset but he just has this insane way of keeping his cool and not letting his anger get the best of him. However, this was one time that dh was extremely angry. He immediately called back over to my NM's house, NM answered this time, and demanded to know what the hell was going on and why my SJ would say such a thing to me. NM and SJ acted all surprised that I would be upset and immediately set to telling dh it was "just a joke". Dh said to NM, "Well it wasn't a joke to DA and I don't find it the least bit funny either!" NM just kept reiterating, "It was JUST a JOKE! I'm FINE. It was just a JOKE!"

At one point, NM asked to speak to me and dh asked if I wanted to talk to her. I said okay and got on the phone with NM who immediately began saying to me, "I am fine. I'm not drunk. SJ was just joking. I'm fine. It was just a joke." Immediately anger surged through me and I said to her, "It was NOT 'just a joke' and, even if it was intended as such, it WASN'T funny!" and I handed the phone back to dh. Apparently NM then changed her tactics to, "Why is DA acting this way? It was just a stupid joke and, as usual, she's over-reacting and being so sensitive! WHY is she doing this to me and acting this way?" I wouldn't have thought dh could get any angrier but he did. I heard him snarl to NM, "You know what, (NM's name)? When you realize that the problem is your HUSBAND and NOT DA, then you can call back. Until then, neither of us has anything more to say to you!" and then he hung up on her! ( Consequently, back when I was still LC, I would still hear about dh's "rudeness" to NM with him hanging up on her, even years after the fact.)

I was hysterical for over an hour after SJ's little "joke". Once I'd finally begun to calm down, who should pull up in my driveway but NM. She was acting all upset and kept insisting that it was "just a joke", that I was the one in the wrong for over-reacting and being too sensitive as usual, and then asked again and again, "WHY are you acting this way???!" I let it rip at that point and told her that a) I did NOT have the sort of relationship with SJ where he could make those kind of jokes with me and b) it WASN'T a JOKE. I also told her that SJ was an abusive pig and that I wanted NOTHING more to do with him again ever. I even went so far as to tell her that, when he died, I planned to go and spit on his grave as a final "screw you" to the bastard. It was about that point that NM said she "didn't know what to do with me", summoned up some fake tears and stormed out of my house. I DID try to stop her and told her she should calm down a bit before trying to drive but she just shoved me a way, saying something like, "What do you care if I die?" and then peeled out of here. Of course the whole mess sent me into yet another round of hysterical tears.

Though I eventually made up with NM, I wound up not seeing SJ for over a year as I refused to be around him. As a result, NM deliberately missed my ds' first birthday because she chose to side with her pig husband and prove a point - if HE wasn't invited then SHE wouldn't be around either. Her loss. We had a wonderful bday for ds with dh's family.

Looking back, I don't know why I put up with all of them and their crap as long as I did. I wish I'd cut ties with them all YEARS ago. It certainly would have saved me a lot of heartache and stress. But I suppose the important thing is that I'm NC now and don't have to worry about going through any of that again. Of course, with Mother's Day coming up this Sunday, I'm expecting some sort of drama. Guess we'll have to wait and see...