Tuesday, May 11, 2010


So I log onto Facebook yesterday and see this updated status message for my (maternal) grandmother: "The greatest gift a mom can have is having all her kids remember her on mom's day. I love you guys, you're the best." It's written as if it's to her kids, my aunts and uncle, but I'm betting it was written the way it was for my benefit. My best guess is that my NM was on the phone that evening or early the next morning at the latest whining about how she got nothing from me on Mother's Day. Boo hoo hoo, woe is her!

So far, not much response except my two aunts wrote, "Ditto! Love you mom!", though I doubt that part was aimed at me. It'll be interesting to see if they say anything else.

Can't remember if I posted about it here but I get these "Daily Messages From God" on an app on Facebook. A few days ago, the message read:

On this day, God wants you to know...that family is not a name for a group of people, but the quality of relationships between them. Relationships grounded in mutual love, trust, caring and forgiveness. In all the ups and all the downs of life. Look closely, - who is really your family, and who in truth are just strangers in for the ride?

I commented that it was oddly spot on and a few of my fellow DoNM sisters chipped in their agreeance. Then I got this comment from my GM: "Hey DA, I hope this wasn't for all of us in Ohio. We are family, or so I thought."

At first, I was pissed and wanted to snark something back. However, I quickly realized that not only would it do no good, it was probably exactly what she/they wanted because it would open the door for them to launch into a tirade about all the ways I'm wrong and hurting my poor mother, etc. since Heaven forbid they do the MATURE thing and confront me directly and have an adult conversation about anything.

I also found her comment extremely ironic considering the fact that, since I went NC with my NM, I haven't heard so much as a peep from most of them when, prior to that, we'd emailed regularly. Yet I'm supposed to believe they care about me and are "family"? I wish I could respond, "DITTO. I also thought we were family. Apparently I was wrong." But, again, it wouldn't change anything and would only serve to be used as further evidence of my "badness" and "disrespect". (Where IS that eye roll smiley when you need it? LOL)

When all this first began, I was terribly distraught at the possibility of losing my extended family. But then, the more I thought about it, I began to realize that not only do these people not know me, I don't really know them. Between NM and SJ moving us hours away when NHS and I were young and then NM triangulating the relationships and smearing me every chance she got, there's no relationship there to lose. Don't misunderstand me, there's still a bit of hurt at the prospect but, for the most part, I'm realizing that it's hard to lose what you were never given the chance to have in the first place. So, now, I've detached and am finding that it's not so terrible after all.

Since I'm sure NM will not let my "disrespect" at ignoring her on Mother's Day go unpunished, it'll be interesting to see what's coming in the upcoming days. At this point, she seems to be floundering a bit. None of her old tricks have worked and the few new ones she was able to come up with backfired on her as well. I don't know whether to cringe or look on in interest at what she'll come up with next.


  1. Love the quote about family and I must say I never really looked at it that way before. Thanks for the eye opener!

  2. I was just telling my dh that as a donm its important to remember that we grieve what we should have had and were never given. Your post reminds me of that. Sometimes I see mothers with their adult daughters enjoying a healthy relationship and I automatically say "Oh I miss that" when I honestly never had it. So I'm trying to remember that what I really mean is "I feel sad that I never had or ever will have that sort of relationship with my own mother."

  3. I have a mother like this. I send cards now and just avoid talking to her. Why waste the time with a waste of humanity. Mothers can be evil just like anyone else. Fuck em.