Tuesday, May 4, 2010

More memories...

Been a while since I last posted. Truthfully, I don't have a lot to talk about anymore. After that last incident with my aunt N, I told her I didn't want to hear anything more about my NM and she has respected my wishes and kept things to herself. In fact, I haven't spoken to her about anything as she hasn't contacted me and I'm still a bit upset with her for being so dismissive and hurtful to me in not believing me when I told her my truth but, once my dh reiterated what I'd already said, suddenly accepting it. Basically she was saying that MY word isn't good enough on it's own which both angered and upset me a great deal.

Anyways, between nothing really happening and me trying to move on with my life, I've been trying to focus on spending time with my dh and ds instead of reading and posting on various NM boards, which only serves to make me think about my dysfunctional FOO and then THAT, in turn, makes me upset and angry all over again. However, after having a series of bad dreams last night about being back in that abusive situation with my FOO, I figured I'd pop over to my favorite NM board for a bit to read and share what's been going on. In doing so, I came across a blog entry from a friend of mine in which she tells of her N FOO's "jokes". Now, if you're an ACON like I am, you know that when an N tells a "joke" it's NOT a joke at all but is designed to hurt and humiliate you. Just another tool in their abuse arsenal to use against you.

Her blog entry got me to thinking about my own N FOO's many "jokes" over the years. There are a couple that stand out to me. The first occurred when I was pretty young. I'd say maybe 14 or so. We'd gone to my grandmother's camp ground in Florida to visit with her and her then bf. While we were there, I met this guy. He was the grandson, I think, of the owner of the campground. He was a good bit older than me but, the second I saw him, I fell headlong into a full on crush. I spent a great deal of my time that vacation simply walking along the many roads and trails of the campground, just hoping to catch a glimpse of my crush. When it came time to go, I was quite upset. It all seems silly, looking back but, to a young girl, my heart felt like it was breaking. OF COURSE my N FOO took it as another opportunity to abuse and humiliate me.

The stepjerk immediately started in laughing at me. "HA HA!! The Stork (SJ's abusive nickname for me, another way to humiliate me) is crying cause she misses the camp garbage man!! What did you think, Stork? That you were in the movie Dirty Dancing and were going to fall in love and run away with him? HA HA!!" My NM and N half sis were both laughing at me as well. I just laid in the back seat and cried, partly due to a broken heart but also do to my hatred for them at their cruelty at that moment.

Another "joke" of SJ's that I remember distinctly happened a bit more recently. I think I was around 25 at the time (I'll be 34 this July). I'd been working as a foster mom for the local Humane Society then and had just gotten another puppy to take care of and wanted to show her off. I had called my NM a bit earlier in the day and said I wanted to stop by and show them the new pup and she said sure. As I usually do, I called when I was ready to leave and SJ answered the phone. I can't remember what else was said but I DO remember his little "joke". He said to me, "Don't come over, okay? Your mom's drunk and falling all over the place. She just pushed over my chair. So don't come over, okay?" I managed to say, "Okay..." and then SJ hung up the phone.

I just stood there for the longest time - or for what FELT like a long time - trying to figure out what was going on. In all the years I've known my NM, she has NEVER gotten drunk, especially not the to the point of falling over. (Though the same can NOT be said of SJ who I consider an alcoholic.) She'll have a drink or two and maybe get the tiniest bit tipsy but that's it. I had this awful, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach but couldn't understand what was going on.

I walked into the living room to where my dh was sitting and, as soon as he saw my face, he jumped up, frantic, and asked me, "What's going on? What's wrong?" I immediately burst into tears and did my best to explain what my SJ had said to me and that I didn't understand why he'd say that and was concerned about what was going on.

In the 15 or so years dh and I have been together, I have VERY rarely seen him truly angry. That's not to say he doesn't get upset but he just has this insane way of keeping his cool and not letting his anger get the best of him. However, this was one time that dh was extremely angry. He immediately called back over to my NM's house, NM answered this time, and demanded to know what the hell was going on and why my SJ would say such a thing to me. NM and SJ acted all surprised that I would be upset and immediately set to telling dh it was "just a joke". Dh said to NM, "Well it wasn't a joke to DA and I don't find it the least bit funny either!" NM just kept reiterating, "It was JUST a JOKE! I'm FINE. It was just a JOKE!"

At one point, NM asked to speak to me and dh asked if I wanted to talk to her. I said okay and got on the phone with NM who immediately began saying to me, "I am fine. I'm not drunk. SJ was just joking. I'm fine. It was just a joke." Immediately anger surged through me and I said to her, "It was NOT 'just a joke' and, even if it was intended as such, it WASN'T funny!" and I handed the phone back to dh. Apparently NM then changed her tactics to, "Why is DA acting this way? It was just a stupid joke and, as usual, she's over-reacting and being so sensitive! WHY is she doing this to me and acting this way?" I wouldn't have thought dh could get any angrier but he did. I heard him snarl to NM, "You know what, (NM's name)? When you realize that the problem is your HUSBAND and NOT DA, then you can call back. Until then, neither of us has anything more to say to you!" and then he hung up on her! ( Consequently, back when I was still LC, I would still hear about dh's "rudeness" to NM with him hanging up on her, even years after the fact.)

I was hysterical for over an hour after SJ's little "joke". Once I'd finally begun to calm down, who should pull up in my driveway but NM. She was acting all upset and kept insisting that it was "just a joke", that I was the one in the wrong for over-reacting and being too sensitive as usual, and then asked again and again, "WHY are you acting this way???!" I let it rip at that point and told her that a) I did NOT have the sort of relationship with SJ where he could make those kind of jokes with me and b) it WASN'T a JOKE. I also told her that SJ was an abusive pig and that I wanted NOTHING more to do with him again ever. I even went so far as to tell her that, when he died, I planned to go and spit on his grave as a final "screw you" to the bastard. It was about that point that NM said she "didn't know what to do with me", summoned up some fake tears and stormed out of my house. I DID try to stop her and told her she should calm down a bit before trying to drive but she just shoved me a way, saying something like, "What do you care if I die?" and then peeled out of here. Of course the whole mess sent me into yet another round of hysterical tears.

Though I eventually made up with NM, I wound up not seeing SJ for over a year as I refused to be around him. As a result, NM deliberately missed my ds' first birthday because she chose to side with her pig husband and prove a point - if HE wasn't invited then SHE wouldn't be around either. Her loss. We had a wonderful bday for ds with dh's family.

Looking back, I don't know why I put up with all of them and their crap as long as I did. I wish I'd cut ties with them all YEARS ago. It certainly would have saved me a lot of heartache and stress. But I suppose the important thing is that I'm NC now and don't have to worry about going through any of that again. Of course, with Mother's Day coming up this Sunday, I'm expecting some sort of drama. Guess we'll have to wait and see...

1 comment:

  1. Have you also noticed that "jokes" only work one way?

    My Nfather still hasn't gotten over the last time I drove an hour to take him grocery shopping and teased him about carefully counting out eight Brussels sprouts while telling me that he had enough for two meals of four each!

    I simply quipped, "Whoa, don't get carried away!"

    I'll spare you further details but that was all it took to set off a stream of abuse that would continue to this day if I hadn't refused to speak with him unless he stopped the yelling and name calling.

    Four months and counting...