Saturday, May 29, 2010

Had another dream the other night...

In this dream, my step-GM had just passed away and I was staying at her house in order to start going through things. It was very dark and every time I tried to turn on a light, I'd find it wouldn't work. I walked into the hallway and suddenly there were all these strangers there. When I asked what they were doing, they said they were there to go through my step-GM's things and get rid of it all. I was very upset because they were just going so fast and I kept telling them to stop, that I had to go through that stuff first to see if I wanted anything, etc. Within moments they'd cleared most everything out and very little was left. That's when I woke up.

I think this is pretty much a re-enactment of what occurred in real life. All my life (since my P's divorced when I was just 9 months old and NM married SJ just three months later), it's been drilled into my head that SJ's mother was my grandmother and was more of a GM than my dad's mom had ever been, blah blah. Fortunately, SJ's mom was an angel, a very kind, loving woman who made it easy to love her and accept her as my GM.

When she passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, due to complications from a surgery she'd had, I was very upset. Part of my anguish was guilt because I'd kept busy and hadn't found the time to call her as often as I should have or as I would have liked. Like so many people, I thought there'd be plenty more time for phone calls. I felt, and still feel, very guilty for not calling her before she died to tell her how much I loved her and how much she'd meant to me.

The other part of my upset at her passing, other than the pain of losing her, was that I was given nothing to remember her by. All of the inheritance money and all of her things were split up amongst my NM, SJ and NHS and I was given nothing. And after years of being browbeaten by my NM and SJ that this woman was my grandmother and more so than my real GM!

Lest anyone think me greedy, I could care less about any monies. My only care in that area is that I know it would have upset my GM that I was excluded. What I care most about is that I don't even have a single picture to remember her by. When I asked my NM and NHS for one shortly after my GM's passing, I was told that they couldn't part with any of their pictures. They wouldn't even scan one into the computer so I could have a copy!

I really wish my GM was still here. She'd adore my ds and would probably be so proud of me for overcoming all the dysfunction the way I have. Oh, how I miss that woman!

1 comment:

  1. I have used a technique that is suggested in bereavement support groups. Write your GM a letter and tell her how much she meant to you then take it to her resting place or simply keep it. Symbolically you are speaking directly to her and it may bring you the closure you need.

    Hope this helps, mulderfan