Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Do I just have a target on my head or what?

So I decided to go ahead and unfriend and block my FOO on Facebook a couple days ago. After giving it much thought, I just decided that I was tired of being mostly ignored and having the only comments from them be P/A crap posted on my FB wall. So, I deleted them all from my friends list. I haven't gone NC at this time however and they can still email me for now.

Yesterday morning I went to log onto FB and, as I'm reading, I'm wondering who these people are posting on my wall. Then I see a message from my aunt N which I read because I'm wondering how she managed to post on my wall when I'd blocked her the day before. Well, as it turned out, my dh had forgotten to log out of his FB account the night before and I was reading on HIS wall, not mine. Since we share a computer, it happens from time to time.

Getting back to what my aunt N wrote, apparently she updated her status to "(her name) is disgusted". Just in reading that, I KNEW this was about me because that's the exact same phrase, word for word, that she used when my NHS would pull a stupid stunt and then once when she was upset with my NM.

Here's the rest of it:

Aunt N: so disgusted.

(Of course a couple of friends ask her what is up and make some suggestions as to what might be wrong.)

Aunt N: All of the above, plus I can't stand how immature some people are. Life should be lived to the fullest-some people just don't get it! By nature I'm a very positive person, and I try to keep that in my heart and in my mind every day. I hate when other people's negative energy affects my day.

(I knew when I unfriended all of them the label of choice assigned to me would be "immature".)

Aunt S: I love you are one of my favorite sisters!!!!

NM: (Cause you just know SHE had to get in on this.) Hey yeah sista-you're one of my favs too!

GM: Hey, I think I love you too!


That was all I saw at the time and I haven't checked back.

At first, I laughed it off. However, as I was doing my dishes and cleaning my kitchen (after dealing with an ant invasion in there yesterday morning, UGH!), I couldn't help but think about it and the more I thought about it, the more pissed I became.

They sit there behind the scenes, all of them too chicken shit to contact me directly and have a MATURE, respectful conversation with me. Instead, they all sit there at their computers and on their phones incessantly gossiping and frantically emailing one another with the latest gossip and yet I'M the immature one? My NM has been caught in many lies, has spent the past four months continuing to lie and smear my name and has apparently even begun to smear MIL's name to anyone who will listen and yet I'M the immature one?

Oh, and I also happened to notice just as I logged off dh's account that aunt N also joined a FB group called "I HATE LIARS". I think it's pretty safe to assume that one's about me as well. If not, at the very least, I find it terribly ironic.

I am so tempted - though I can promise I'll refrain for now - to email all of them and just tell them to go f**k themselves and then add what I typed above about how they're all gossiping and too chicken shit to ask me for MY side of the story, etc. yet they dare label ME immature, ridiculous, etc.

They're all so fake and stupid. They act like we're all this big, loving family when, in reality, everyone gossips about the other behind their back and rarely has a kind word to say. I hope they all choke on their fake ass sentiments to one another. What a joke!

I also can't help but wonder if they all knew the awful things NM says about them behind their backs if they'd still be so eager to stand at her side and defend the bitch. Of course, I'm sure it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. After all, they've outed my NM in lies multiple times and while they may be mad and not speak to her for a few days, ultimately they go right back to taking her side and leaving me out in the cold.

As if all this wasn't bad and hurtful enough, I shared what I'd found and my feelings about it on a board I go to and found myself under attack from a supposed fellow DoNM there. In her first post to me, this person writes:

Sorry to say, my NM would have poked around my fb page....that is crossing a boundary, an invasion of privacy and as long as you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you've got. Please don't take offense, but sometimes ignorance IS bliss and silence is golden..."

Basically she compares me to her NM, says I invaded my dh's privacy as if I'd deliberately gone snooping rather than just happening upon his page when he forgot to log out and then infers that I got what I deserved for being weak and peeking at what my NM wrote!

In my experience, when someone prefaces what they're about to say with "Don't take offense but...", they're about to say something they KNOW is offensive.

I responded to her that, with all due respect, I actually DID take offense to what she said and that I felt her blaming ME for being hurt by reading my aunt N's post was like telling me that I was to blame for the pain my NM has caused me too because "I could have walked away" or set better boundaries.

Instead of apologizing, which several others stated they would have done, she fired back with this: "Not saying you deserved it, nobody deserves to be hurt; but you could have avoided it. Simply... logout and login on your own page. We do what we know. Nothing will change until you change. And it's very, very difficult. Right now I think you just want to be angry, which is understandable. But one sided communication gets you nowhere. Use the anger to create something positive."

I felt her comments were way out of line and extremely condescending and rude. Apparently others felt the same as they stated as much. I also felt very targeted and singled out by this person. All the more so because her words were the exact same words my N FOO has said to me a thousand times before - that I deserved what I got for being a certain way or that I obviously "just wanted to be angry" with the implication that I was somehow wrong for feeling angry. Because of this, I spent all evening yesterday very upset and cried myself to sleep.

I wonder if the day will ever come when I'm able to just shrug off hurtful comments like these? I certainly pray that it does. In the meantime, I feel as if I must have a target on my head or a tattoo that reads, "Abuse me!", since people like my N FOO and that poster seem to seek me out.


  1. Good on you for kicking your N FOO out of your FB life!

    The best response to your N FOO and the condescending poster is no response at all. It drives them crazy!!

    I too had troubles with "the hamster wheel" in my head that runs hurtful comments around and around. It used to keep me awake at night and upset for hours after one of the nasty episodes I used to tolerate from my Nparents.

    Changing your response to these people takes time. After all they've conditioned us for years to provide them with narcissistic supply. Be patient with yourself, DA!


  2. You did the right thing! What you don't know, won't hurt you. Being NC is the BEST way!

  3. Good for you DA! Not only for going NC on face book - but for standing up for yourself on the board. I hope not having to see FOOs remarks on Facebook bring you some peace. Hugs!