Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A short vent...

Ugh. Had a horrible night last night full of dreams (or should I say, nightmares?) about NM, NSJ and NHS. It was their usual mocking verbal abuse behavior and it was just as awful as it was when it was actually occurring in real life. I hate nights like that because I can't help but wake up feeling all yucky inside. I'm trying hard to let it go and shrug off these negative feelings but I can't seem to shake it. I'm sure you all are all too familiar with the heavy, depressing, agitated, stomach in knots feelings I'm having. 

I wonder if a time ever comes when this goes away? Does a time come when there are no more nightmares or, at the very least, when the nightmares don't leave me feeling all this yucky-ness?

*sigh* Well, I'm off to go work on my sunroom/kitchen. I'm almost done painting in there and it's looking awesome. Perhaps that will finally help take my mind off my N FOO.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


The topic of forgiveness came up recently over on the DoNM board I go to and it got me to thinking. What does forgiveness mean exactly? Is it necessary to forgive our abusers to fully be free and move on with our lives? Does forgiveness mean I am saying that the abuses done to me are, in effect, okay? These questions and more have been running through my head.

To start, let's get a definition of what it means to forgive. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines forgive as:

1. a : to give up resentment of or claim to compensation for <forgive an insult>
    b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>

2. : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

I think it's the first definition (both parts, a and b) that many DoNM's would take offense to. To give up that which we feel we are owed by our abusers - be it an apology or them making amends, etc. - is especially hard because, by all rights, they should be expected to make amends for the chaos and trauma they inflicted on us. However, the reality of the situation is that those amends will likely never come to pass. I'm sure there are the rare exceptions but, for most of us, the N's in our lives believe with total certainty that they have done nothing wrong, certainly nothing that warrants an apology. Rather, they see us as the ones in the wrong, the ones needing to make amends and apologize, usually to them. If we refuse to let go of our pain and anger unless and until our NP's give us what we feel we're owed by them, then we are only hurting ourselves because while the N's in our lives are happily going about their own lives wreaking havoc, we remain stuck in frustration, pain and resentment.

To me, forgiveness is more along the lines of the second definition given. It means that I let go of the resentment and bitterness and hatred I felt toward my abusers and give it up to God (or Karma/Buddha/whatever your preference). It means I refuse to allow the pain, frustration and all those other negative emotions take up space in my head anymore. Having allowed myself to feel it and then processed it, I am now letting it go and moving forward in my life without that weight on my shoulders. Do note that the key words in that last sentence are "having allowed myself to feel it and then processed it". There is a time and place for us to allow ourselves to feel our anger, pain, frustration, etc. We need to acknowledge that we feel these emotions and that we have a right to feel the way we do. After all, an injustice was done to us. We didn't ask for or do anything to deserve to hand we were dealt with our NP's and it's okay to be upset and angry about the unfairness done to us. But it becomes a problem when we cease to let it go at some point. This is just my personal opinion but I believe that so long as we hold on to that anger, bitterness and resentment, so long as we insist on being what Dr. Phil refers to as being "right fighters" (i.e. someone who is more concerned with being right than moving past the issue), then we are unable to truly move beyond our past and live a happy, healthy life. Because we insist on clinging to all that negativity, in effect, our abusers continue to control us.

Does forgiving our abusers mean we are saying that the atrocities done to us are now okay or that they somehow didn't matter/weren't that bad/etc? Not at all. Forgiveness, in my opinion, is done for the one doing the forgiving, not the abuser. It's about saying, "I refuse to allow myself and my life to be controlled by all this negativity any longer so I'm choosing to let it go." 

There is a saying about forgiveness that, quite honestly, rankles me to no end. It goes, "Forgive and forget." I know I used to hear that from my N FOO all the time, as I'm sure many of you have also. Basically, they are expressing their expectation for us to just sweep all the abuse done to us over the years under the rug as if it never happened. Even if I wanted to do that - which I very much do NOT - it's not possible. How does one forget being called "stupid", "worthless" and the horrid "c" word (the one that rhymes with "runt") and that awful feeling of being unloved? How does one forget being told by one's stepjerk that he wishes your mother had either aborted you or given you to your monster father? How does one forget that awful dirty, violated feeling of knowing your stepjerk ogles you with his eyes whenever he gets the chance? The answer is, you DON'T forget or, more appropriately, you CAN'T. I feel in my heart that I've forgiven my NM and, for the most part, NSJ as well. I no longer feel the intense bitterness, anger and resentment toward them that I used to feel, but that doesn't mean that I have in any way, shape or form forgotten what was done to me.

One final question that has come up here and there is how, exactly, does one go about forgiving? Is it some magical emotion or moment that just sweeps over you at some point? My belief is that forgiveness is a conscious choice. Basically, a point comes in your life when you say to yourself, "Enough. I've dealt with this anger for X amount of time now. I've allowed myself the right to feel it, I've come to terms with it and dealt with it as best I can and, now, I choose to let it go and move forward."

I read somewhere once recently (can't remember the source, sorry!) that forgiveness comes by speaking our intent into the universe. Basically, you speak it and speak it until it comes to pass. The first day you may have to say it 100 times, as well as the next day and the next. But eventually, you'll only need to say it 50 times, then 30, then 10 until, one day, you realize that you're at peace with it and the actual forgiveness has come to pass. I personally never went this route, though I did pray nightly for quite some time that God would help me let go of the pain, anger and bitterness in my heart. Eventually, it came to pass and, as I said above, I've now pretty much entirely let go of it all and am at peace with how I feel. 

My wish is that all of you will find peace at some point, be it through forgiveness or by some other route, and that you can move beyond your painful past toward a happier, healthier future.


DA xx

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My auction items....

You can find my items up for auction on Kelli's blog HERE. To bid, just follow the linky and leave your bid amount in a comment.

All other items currently up for auction can be found HERE. There are more items being added all the time so be sure to check back over at ReStore Interiors often!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Important message...

I'd like to take a break just for a minute to let you all know about a great opportunity. 

I'm sure we've all heard of the recent devastation and tragic deaths of many in the southeastern United States due to the recent storms and tornadoes that came through that area. Well Kelli, from the blog "ReStore Interiors" - just one of the many blogs I follow - is participating in an auction to help those in Alabama affected by the recent storms. 100% of the proceeds go to The Birmingham Dream Center and Christian Service Mission, both of whom have been major players in relief efforts thus far.

If you would like to help out by bidding on some great items or if you have an item you'd like to donate to the auction, you can head on over to Kelli's site and link up your item or to make a bid. I have donated three of my hand-painted signs to the cause myself. (Click on pictures to see them larger.)

A wooden "BEACH" sign..

Another wooden "C'est la Vie" sign...

And a larger, "Chocolatier" sign made of a thin, MDF type material that can be nailed to the wall or framed.

When I checked the official auction page just now, my items weren't listed just yet but they should be up by the end of the day today or by tomorrow morning at the latest, I'd guess. So if you'd like to get some great stuff and, at the same time, help out a great cause, please head on over to Kelli's blog!

Aww. Poor NSM...

LOL Got a wonderful email from my dear HS yesterday. Apparently, her mother (NSM) called her and wanted to know if she'd spoken to me recently. Here's the basic gist of their conversation... 

NSM: Have you talked to DA lately?

HS: Yes.

NSM: DA just has so much anxiety and we decided it would be best if we didn't go visit her when we were down there, blah blah blah...

HS: (Interrupting NSM's ranting) Well YOU guys cause her anxiety with your comments! You do the same thing with dear bf and I when you are here. You drive us all crazy!

NSM: (Angry) I don't want to talk about this anymore! I have to go!

HS: (Just kept right on talking.) I mean, geez! You guys only see DA like maybe once a year. Couldn't you have just respected her wish to stay at her house?

NSM: That's what we do EVERY time we are there...stay at her house!

HS: SO WHAT??!! It's ONCE A YEAR!!! Dear bf and I do the same thing every time we come to visit you, all we do is sit around at Grandma's house but it's only twice a year so I don't say anything because, in all, it's not that big a deal.

NSM: Well that's different!!! ....

HS: (Cutting NSM off again.) How is it different?!

NSM: (Random ranting/complaining or, should I say, excuse making?)

HS: (Interrupting again.) WHY do you bring up this stuff and try to talk to me about things like this if you are just going to shut me down the minute I say something you don't agree with?

NSM: I didn't ask for your OPINION, I only asked if you'd talked to her!


LOL Poor NSM. Calls her daughter up, fishing for information to feed her N supply and instead she's held to the fire by my wonderful HS! HA HA!! I told dh and we just had a good laugh over it all. Dh said, "See what happens when you remove yourself from the equation and refuse to take the bait or play her stupid games? She's going CRAZY wanting a big, fat hit of DRAMA and YOU aren't giving it to her!!"

I give it another week, two tops, and I'll be hearing from NSM in some fashion. Either that or NF will send me another email or try to call me up. Their "need to feed" (aka, their need for their precious N supply) won't allow them to stay away for long.

I hate it for them (okay, not really!) but they aren't going to find any N supply here! :o)

Friday, May 6, 2011

Open questions...

Since starting this blog, I've gotten my fair share of emails from people who wanted to ask me things. Sometimes the questions are more personal, other times they are about NPD. This kind of got me thinking that it might be sort of fun to open myself publicly on this blog to questions from you, my wonderful readers! Is there something you've wanted to ask? Anything you'd like to know? Well here's your chance to ask away! It can be anything from "What's your favorite color?" to "When did you first realize your NM was an N?" and everything in between!

Let the fun begin! :o)


My "Fours" for Winterskiprincess...

Four Places I go:

1. My inlaws house
2. Driving around Sunday evenings to look for "curside finds"
3. Any antique mall or "junk" store
4. Any Goodwill or thrift shop   

Four Crushes I Have:

1. My Husband:)
2. Robert Pattinson - Can you say YUM??!!
3. The character "Noah" from The Notebook
4. Vintage Ironstone - Seeing that beautiful, creamy white dishware just makes me happy inside! ;o)

Four Smells that I Love:

1. My son after a bath
2. My dh after he's been outside
3. Puppy breath
4. That "new baby" smell

Four Favorite TV Shows:
1. Ghost Hunters
2. Doc Martin
3. Trailer Park Boys
4. The Golden Girls

Four Favorite Movies:

1. The Notebook
2. Father of the Bride I & II (the one w/ Steve Martin as the dad)
3. Searching for Angela Shelton (if you haven't seen it, DO)
4. Pretty much anything else horror

Four Recommendations:

1.  Anything by Nicholas Sparks, especially The Notebook and The Wedding
2.  Be true to yourself always.
3.  Let the people you love know it with actions AND words.
4.  Know and believe in your heart that you ARE worth it and worthy of being loved.

Four People that I'd love to read their Fours:

1.  The ladies over at the DoNM board.
2.  One Angry Daughter

Four Things about me that you don't know:

1.  I check my ceiling for spiders every night before bed!
2.  I still sleep with the blanket I had as a young child.
3.  I'm nowhere near as strong or confident as many people think.
4.  I refuse to be defined by a political party.  I vote for who I think will get the job done. <-- ME TOO!!

Four bands that I love:

1. The Cure
2. Lady Gaga
3. Tori Amos
4. Pink

Thursday, May 5, 2011

LOL Freaking SERIOUSLY??!!

Just got this in my inbox from NSM. My, my. I must say it is nothing short of shocking how quickly history gets re-written by these N's!

So just so I'm clear on this, you are choosing not talk with us until you are ready?  That's O.K. as long as you know we didn't walk away from you and that I had explained many times before we came down that dad and I REALLY needed down time.  I felt the stress in your voice and hear it each time we come down there and didn't feel it was fair to not only us but to ds that there would be a great amount of stress in the air. Dad and I are not super humans as some of our kids think and we do get hurt just as each of you do, well maybe not HB, he's a typical guy everything rolls off his shoulders. It really does hurt that we didn't get to visit with all of you but I really felt that it wasn't the time for you to see us. I told you before when you made the comment about if we lived closer we would be over all the time with ds and dad and I both feel that we miss the adult relationship with our kids  because of each of you leaving at such a young age.  Happy Mothers Day...I pray it is a great one you deserve it.   NSM

So the reason they didn't come visit me while they were in town recently wasn't because I told them I didn't want them here, it's because they are so noble and felt it would be too "stressful" on me and ds and so, out of the goodness of their hearts, they stayed away??? Oh, and of course, let's make sure I know that it wasn't THEY who walked away from ME!

I don't know whether to scream in frustration, throw up at the high level of dysfunction or laugh maniacally at the absurdity of it all. I mean, seriously??! Firstly, they are like the farthest thing from noble I've ever had the displeasure to know yet, to hear NSM tell it, they are the poor, martyred victims of my continued irrationality. Secondly, they walked out on me YEARS ago and continue to blame me - or, more appropriately, the 11 year old CHILD me - for that. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, it makes me physically ILL that she can sit there and pretend to care about me when it is SO clear that neither of them gives a damn. Ooooh, they make me so ANGRY with their damned arrogance and playing martyr, all the while making ME out to be the bad one yet again!!!

I hope she has a horrible Mother's Day. She deserves it.

Well, I did it...

I sent a response to NSM. I know, I know....I didn't waste much time between asking for your advice and then sending a response anyway but I felt like the timer was ticking and just wanted to make a decision and be done with it so, I sent it. The response I sent was a simplified version of the one I posted in an earlier blog entry and reads:

I haven't responded because there's nothing more to say. So, for the time being at least, I choose to step away and instead focus my energies on productive things, like my family with dh and ds.


I had really wanted to add the other comments in there but, after talking to dh, it was clear someone had to take the high road and, as usual, that someone will have to be me I suppose. Despite my being the bigger person, I'm certain NSM will send another nasty response, likely to the tone of, "And just what the hell is THAT supposed to mean???" but....whatever.
That being said, I will continue to ignore and not respond to further comments from either of them for only so long. If they keep on and continue to attack and harass me, the gloves will come off and they will get it from me with both barrels and I won't feel the least bit sorry for what I will say to them. My hope is that, even if only to spite me, they will walk away and leave me in peace so I can just focus on my healing and spending time with my family.

Wanting opinions...

After speaking with my therapist yesterday, I'm thinking that maybe sending a short response to NSM and NF is best. Here's what I'm thinking of sending:


I haven't responded because there's nothing more to say. I'm not going to have stuff from well over 10 - 20 years ago thrown in my face, things that I had no control over being that I was an innocent child when they occurred. I'm also not interested in engaging in some ridiculous pissing contest to prove who has/has had it worse. So, for the time being at least, I choose to step away and focus my energies and attentions on something productive, like my family with dh and ds. Should that change, I'll be happy to let you know but, until then, I've nothing more to say on the matter.


In all honesty, while at present time I may feel that I don't care if I ever see or speak to them again, I don't want to be so naive as to think that might not change in the future as I continue to grow and heal. Bearing that in mind, I feel this response would end things for now while still leaving the door open somewhat should that come to pass. Admittedly, they could very well choose to slam the door on me forever and while that would certainly hurt, the decision would be on THEM and at least then I could freely walk away and not have to feel guilty or like I didn't try all that I could.

What do you all think? Seems short, sweet and to the point from my view point and lets them know exactly where I stand on the matter so there is no confusion that can be claimed on their part later.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Just checked my email and....

...there was an email from NSM! LOL Probably shouldn't have read it being that I consider myself technically NC with them both, her especially, but couldn't resist. Turns out, it was worth the laugh. Here it is, for your enjoyment!

Just would like to know where we are at with you? I don't want to assume that just because you haven't written back that you have stopped talking to us. Then we also don't want to push at  you since that is why we are where we are at. So we feel we are stuck between a rock and a hard place once again.
I'm working 40hrs since one of the girls is out from surgery and another is on vacation.
love NSM

In typical N fashion, it continues to be all about HER/THEM. How THEY are confused and don't know what to do. How THEY don't want to push and receive any more crap from irrational, too sensitive ole me. How THEY are "stuck between and rock and a hard place"...AGAIN no less! Oh WOE is THEM!!! And of course poor NSM has been working 40 hours this week - this compared to her usual 15 - 20. Oh, when will their suffering ever END??!!!


I don't plan to respond. Figure they'll eventually figure out for themselves that I don't want to talk to them anymore. And if not, oh well. Not my problem anymore.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Made a decision re: NSM and NF...

And my decision is to do nothing at this time. Yes, it would feel good to stick it to them and speak my mind BUT....all it would get me is more drama and negativity. I'm just at a point in my life right now that I just don't want or need anymore drama. I just want to move on with my life and try and put as much of this crap behind me as possible.

At any rate, as dh says, I'll still have ample opportunity to have my say as he believes - as do I - that NSM and NF are not going to just fade away as NM did. No, they are going to continue to harass me and be in my face and try to bully me into contacting them again. Dh sayd that the way it will probably go is that I'll ignore and ignore and ignore until I finally can't stand it anymore and then I'll tell them both off and that will be that, but at least then it will be all on THEM as I will have given them MORE than enough opportunity to go away quietly and peacefully. LOL

That being said, so far, not so much as a peep from NSM or NF. It's possible NF may try to call this coming weekend for Mother's Day but I doubt it. More likely they're going to wait and see if I call NSM or send a car to her for the holiday and when I don't, THEN the drama will ensue. Oh well. They can bring it on because THIS DoNM has ZERO intention of backing down anymore! ;o)