Just got this in my inbox from NSM. My, my. I must say it is nothing short of shocking how quickly history gets re-written by these N's!
So just so I'm clear on this, you are choosing not talk with us until you are ready? That's O.K. as long as you know we didn't walk away from you and that I had explained many times before we came down that dad and I REALLY needed down time. I felt the stress in your voice and hear it each time we come down there and didn't feel it was fair to not only us but to ds that there would be a great amount of stress in the air. Dad and I are not super humans as some of our kids think and we do get hurt just as each of you do, well maybe not HB, he's a typical guy everything rolls off his shoulders. It really does hurt that we didn't get to visit with all of you but I really felt that it wasn't the time for you to see us. I told you before when you made the comment about if we lived closer we would be over all the time with ds and dad and I both feel that we miss the adult relationship with our kids because of each of you leaving at such a young age. Happy Mothers Day...I pray it is a great one you deserve it. NSM
So the reason they didn't come visit me while they were in town recently wasn't because I told them I didn't want them here, it's because they are so noble and felt it would be too "stressful" on me and ds and so, out of the goodness of their hearts, they stayed away??? Oh, and of course, let's make sure I know that it wasn't THEY who walked away from ME!
I don't know whether to scream in frustration, throw up at the high level of dysfunction or laugh maniacally at the absurdity of it all. I mean, seriously??! Firstly, they are like the farthest thing from noble I've ever had the displeasure to know yet, to hear NSM tell it, they are the poor, martyred victims of my continued irrationality. Secondly, they walked out on me YEARS ago and continue to blame me - or, more appropriately, the 11 year old CHILD me - for that. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, it makes me physically ILL that she can sit there and pretend to care about me when it is SO clear that neither of them gives a damn. Ooooh, they make me so ANGRY with their damned arrogance and playing martyr, all the while making ME out to be the bad one yet again!!!
Allow yourself to be angry. It is maddening. Then don't give her anymore of your emotional real estate. Sadly, you can't explain enough, yell enough, be patient enough because when it comes to Ns, it isn't about you, it's all about them.
ReplyDeleteWhen there's been enough time and distance, you'll re-evaluate. But today, roar a bit, roll your eyes, and do something nice for you and dh and ds because you are not going to raise ds the same way.
Throwing clay pigeons, used for skeet shooting, is a wonderful way to drain off the excess energy of anger. I agree with Judy. It really isn't about you at all, nor the 11 year old child either. The thing I found most startling to read your blog and many others is how similar our nparents are to each other. I used to dream that they found me under a rock. I wanted to scream that I couldn't possibly be their child. Now I know that it never was about me at all. I think you deserve an awesome Mother's day.
ReplyDeleteIt's like she's fishing, dangling the bait right in front of you, willing you to take it.
ReplyDeleteYikes.
At least you can see what she's doing quite clearly.
"That's O.K. as long as you know we didn't walk away from you" Translation to follow: "That's okay as long as we win, and we can project ourselves as being in the right."
ReplyDeleteYes, my father did not choose to walk away either. He asked for me to leave the door open, I gave him the benefit of the doubt only to find out he ripped up my Christmas and Thanksgiving cards sent during this "open door period" that HE asked for.
But just so I knew he was right AND that he would do anything to save the relationship just so's I'd talk to him LOLOL. Yeah, I am just sure things would have been so much different, that is if the meaning of differnent means oh so much worse!
Hang in there, take a deep breath, and live your life to the fullest:)
@ Winterskiprincess - That comment stood out to me as well. As if I asked for, wanted or needed her permission to take some time away for myself! Talk about arrogance!! But, then, that is a major part of the core definition of NPD, isn't it?
ReplyDeletePart of me is also having trouble believing her gall in trying to convince ME, of all people, that they stayed away out of the goodness of their own hearts when they surely know, as well as I do, that the reason they didn't come was because *I* told them they weren't welcome and not to show up!! I mean, really, are you KIDDING ME??!! That'd be like my dh walking in and catching me in bed with another man (NOT something I'd EVER do, mind you) and then me trying to claim later that, "I've never cheated on you! I don't know what you're talking about." Gaslighting at it's finest, I suppose. Still, the unabashed GALL of the two of them...!!
I've been reading the past couple of posts and the whole scenario REALLY gets under my skin. I feel your frustration, disappointment, and anger! You said, "it makes me physically ILL that she can sit there and pretend to care about me when it is SO clear that neither of them gives a damn." Oh man, I know how that feels. It's so frustrating when all they are doing is putting on a SHOW. They care more about the facade, about how everyone else sees them, than they do about you. Uck.
ReplyDeleteOr that you were somehow doing him a favor by cheating on it, like he somehow encouraged you to do it LOL. It is NPD at it's finest.
ReplyDeleteI just let em win and be right all they want to these days .
Oh, I should share a fun thing I did with my NSMs picture...
http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/2007/12/fitness-tips-for-disturbed.html
Beats shooting clay pigeons, and helps my arm strength:)
@ Winterskiprincess - LOL LOVE what you did with your NSM's pic!! And what an added bonus that you also get healthier and more fit in the process of your venting!
ReplyDeleteI actually did something similar a few years back. I put NSJ's picture on a dart board and had at it! :o) Felt WONDERFUL to vent my rage onto his pic, especially when I took the tip of a dart and gouged out his eyes in the pic! Some may think me bad or "violent" I suppose for doing it but I'd have to disagree and say it was a healthy way of releasing years and years of pent up anger and frustration and pain.