May 9th. Mother's Day. And, ironically enough, also the date marking four months of being no contact with my NM.
I'm finding that I have mixed feelings about this upcoming holiday. Part of me is excited to honor my stepmother and MIL on that day, to thank them for their motherly contributions to my life. I'm also excited to see what my dh and ds decide to do to honor me since I'm now a mother. Becoming a mother is definitely my greatest accomplishment in my life. Best job I ever had and, while the pay isn't so good, the benefits are amazing and more than make up for it.
However, there's also a part of me that isn't looking forward to this day. That part of me is sad and angry. Angry at all the hurt and wrongs that were perpetrated against me all those years. Angry at the mother who was supposed to protect me but instead decided to put her own comfort and needs first and just stood by and allowed me to be mistreated and abused. Sad for what might have been if only my mother had been willing to really listen and hear my pain. If only she'd cared. If only she wasn't so self-centered. If only she wasn't a narcissist.
This will be the first Mother's Day that I won't be calling my NM or giving her a gift. Last year, despite being temporarily NC, I sent my NM a lovely floral arrangement along with a note that said something about hoping we could find some middle ground and forage a new, closer relationship with one another. I closed by telling her I loved her very much and wanted her in my life. At the time I wrote it, I still had hopes that we could somehow get past the giant wall her narcissism put between us and find a way to be in eachother's lives. That hope is now dead and gone, never to return.
I'm sure there will be much drama and fallout when NM doesn't receive anything from me. I may even hear from some extended FOO, most of whom have pretty much refrained from commenting to me thus far. (Note that I didn't say they have refrained from getting involved. They've certainly snarked about me with my NM and gossiped about me with other FOO members but, for the most part, the majority of them haven't yet contacted me with their complaints and guilt trips.)
NM, I'm sure, will use my continued "disrespect" of her to further her victim status. She whine and boo hoo how I've supposedly hurt her yet again....and after all she's done for me too, oh woe is her! What ever did she do to deserve such a wretched daughter as me?!! Whatever. The more time goes by, the less I care what she thinks, says or does.
I hope to be able to set aside the negativity surrounding Mother's Day this year and just enjoy myself. At least this year (and every one thereafter) GUILT won't be part of the equation. I know with total certainty that I truly did do everything I could to try and make it work and, despite those efforts, nothing changed.
I wonder sometimes if I'll ever see or talk with my NM again. At present time, I have ZERO interest in doing either. While there is a part of me that misses having a mom in my life (even if she was a horrid one), the feelings of relief and freedom I've discovered in going NC are not something I'm willing to give up. Not to mention that I'd be exposing myself and my family - especially my young ds - to her toxicity again by resuming contact, which is absolutely out of the question. Still, I can't help but wonder what the future may bring. It would take something awfully significant though to make me go back...