Got an email from my GM Sunday evening. The subject line read "hello" which was different from her usual "pssst..." that she's always used before. The email reads simply:
Hi DA, I'm writing to ask if you will please send the baptismal gown back to me. Julie has asked me about it because she wants to use it someday when she has her baby....she is not pregnant yet but is in the planning stages. I will send you money for postage.
That's it. No, "How are you?" or "Love you, GM xx", just a very cold, businesslike "Fine then. If you're no longer a part of this family then we want the family baptismal gown back!", which, in my DoNM mind, is exactly what's being said here.
I don't know whether to be more hurt or plain ole angry. I just want to scream at them, "You know what you uppity assholes? If you all knew the truth, not NM's version of the "truth" but the REAL TRUTH, you'd all be ASHAMED at the way you're treating me!" Of course, it wouldn't achieve anything other than to add to their evidence against me, proving what an unstable, immature little girl I am. Still, it would feel SO GOOD to get my moment to tell them off!
I wrote last time about my step GM (my stepjerk's mother) who was such a good, kind, caring lady and who always treated me the same as the rest of her grandchildren despite the fact that I wasn't technically her gk. The same applies for my stepmother's mother. She and her dh, who passed away just over a year ago, were so kind and loving toward me. They always treated me the same as the other kids. What the hell does it say about my FOO that three people who weren't even related to me have treated me with more love and respect and kindness in my lifetime than the people who are my blood relations??
Most importantly, it says that it's not ME who has the problem. It's not ME who is flawed or bad or wrong. It's all of THEM. This is a huge light bulb moment for me, one I am clinging to with the same ferocity that a person who'd fallen overboard would cling to a life preserver with.
Am I perfect? Hardly. Have I made mistakes? Yes, of course. But if I were so fundamentally flawed or wrong as my FOO would have me believe then I should think that NO ONE would love me. Yet I have my dh, my ds, my IL's, my SM and dad, my (good) half sister and two sets of step GP's who have loved and cared for me.
So while it hurts - a LOT - and I continue to struggle with my DoNM issues of feeling flawed and unloveable - I'm going to do my best to focus on the people who love me for no other reason than that I am ME and realize that means that I am okay and worthy of being loved and respected.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Hugs DA. I can understand how that hurts. The letter is very matter of fact and a simple "how are you doing" would have made all the difference.
ReplyDeleteShortly after my DS was born, my NM wrote me - not to accept the invitation of coming over to see us - but instead to demand her grandmother's wedding ring back. She made wild assumptions of why it couldn't possibly be important to me anymore - none of which were true. Even though we live in the same town, I FedEx overnighted it to her. Half of me wanted to go throw it at her I was so angry, but I knew that sort of reaction is what she would have wanted.
You un-reaction is going to send a stronger message than if you tell them where to go and how to get there. Although - if it would make you feel better go for it!
My advice - when you send it back, take photos of the garment or video the packing process. That way you will have evidence of the condition of the gown and they can't accuse you of doing anything to damage it. Insure the package and reply to GM note with the tracking information. Sucks we have to think this way, but you got to protect yourself.
I actually already responded. Told her it was no problem, that I'd already considered that my cousin might want it but that I'd been hesitant to mail it in case it got lost and that I'd try to get it in the mail this week or next. Closed by saying, "Hope all's well with you!" and signed my name, xx.
ReplyDeleteFigured it was best to act as if I hadn't a care in the world and all was well on this end. Still, I thought her tone very cold, not to mention presumptuous. What if dh and I were thinking of having another baby ourselves? But of course that doesn't matter anymore does it?
The effed up thing is that they have all told me several times over the past couple of years - my GM especially - that if I can't or won't get along with NM to just walk away. So I do that and it's STILL the wrong thing as far as they are concerned! There really is no winning with these people, is there?
"So while it hurts - a LOT - and I continue to struggle with my DoNM issues of feeling flawed and unloveable - I'm going to do my best to focus on the people who love me for no other reason than that I am ME and realize that means that I am okay and worthy of being loved and respected."
ReplyDeleteI so relate to this statement and have to daily remind myself that I do have people who love me and that I have value.
The last paragraph of your post says it all. You are worthy of love and respect. There are wonderful people that give you the love and respect you deserve. Your FOO are the ones that are not worthy to have someone like you in their lives...their loss, not yours!
ReplyDeleteYou're a better person than I am. I would have returned the christening gown without a word.
When you have your next child buy a beautiful christening gown and start a your own tradition!
Cheers, mulderfan