Got an email from my GM Sunday evening. The subject line read "hello" which was different from her usual "pssst..." that she's always used before. The email reads simply:
Hi DA, I'm writing to ask if you will please send the baptismal gown back to me. Julie has asked me about it because she wants to use it someday when she has her baby....she is not pregnant yet but is in the planning stages. I will send you money for postage.
That's it. No, "How are you?" or "Love you, GM xx", just a very cold, businesslike "Fine then. If you're no longer a part of this family then we want the family baptismal gown back!", which, in my DoNM mind, is exactly what's being said here.
I don't know whether to be more hurt or plain ole angry. I just want to scream at them, "You know what you uppity assholes? If you all knew the truth, not NM's version of the "truth" but the REAL TRUTH, you'd all be ASHAMED at the way you're treating me!" Of course, it wouldn't achieve anything other than to add to their evidence against me, proving what an unstable, immature little girl I am. Still, it would feel SO GOOD to get my moment to tell them off!
I wrote last time about my step GM (my stepjerk's mother) who was such a good, kind, caring lady and who always treated me the same as the rest of her grandchildren despite the fact that I wasn't technically her gk. The same applies for my stepmother's mother. She and her dh, who passed away just over a year ago, were so kind and loving toward me. They always treated me the same as the other kids. What the hell does it say about my FOO that three people who weren't even related to me have treated me with more love and respect and kindness in my lifetime than the people who are my blood relations??
Most importantly, it says that it's not ME who has the problem. It's not ME who is flawed or bad or wrong. It's all of THEM. This is a huge light bulb moment for me, one I am clinging to with the same ferocity that a person who'd fallen overboard would cling to a life preserver with.
Am I perfect? Hardly. Have I made mistakes? Yes, of course. But if I were so fundamentally flawed or wrong as my FOO would have me believe then I should think that NO ONE would love me. Yet I have my dh, my ds, my IL's, my SM and dad, my (good) half sister and two sets of step GP's who have loved and cared for me.
So while it hurts - a LOT - and I continue to struggle with my DoNM issues of feeling flawed and unloveable - I'm going to do my best to focus on the people who love me for no other reason than that I am ME and realize that means that I am okay and worthy of being loved and respected.