Control...

So, tomorrow's the big day. The day when dh goes to NM's house to try and get my stuff back from her and to give her the family baptismal gown that I apparently no longer deserve to hold onto.

I had considered going with him. For one, I've realized that it's always best to have a witness present when interacting with narcissists. For another, I thought it would be nice to support my dh and have him support me through this. And thirdly, I thought it might help me take back some of my stolen power as well as to find a bit of closure in this whole being NC thing with NM. However, after much consideration (and a talk with my stepmom), I've decided to stay home. And boy, is it ever going to be HARD!

It's not that I don't trust my dh to handle NM. I have total faith that he can handle anything NM may try to throw his way tomorrow. It's more the relinquishing of control of the situation. Apparently, I'm a huge control freak...or so I'm told! I suppose it's because I had so little control over my life for so long growing up in an abusive, dysfunctional household full of raving N's.

At any rate, the thought of having to sit here at home tomorrow while dh is there is enough to drive me a bit crazy. As I said, I have total faith that dh can handle anything NM may throw at him. It's more a question of will he put NM in her place as strongly as I would if given the chance to be there?

Though I am loathe to admit it lest all my N FOO's ever said about me being a horrible person be proven correct, the truth is that a part of me longs for NM to be put back in her place, forcefully and rudely, the way she's attempted to do to me all these years. A dose of her own medicine and all that.

I guess I'll just have to have faith that my dh's way, while perhaps not the way I might do things, is okay too.