Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Having another crummy day...

All this started Sunday night with my GM's cold, businesslike email in which she asked for the family baptismal gown back. Since then, I just can't seem to get back on level emotional ground again.

I found myself wondering last night what my life would be like had my NM and SJ not moved us out of Ohio and away from all our family and friends. For sure I'd have been closer to my dad and SM and my half bro and sister. There likely wouldn't be any estrangement between my half bro and I. I'd have friends who I'd grown up with and went to school and graduated with. I'm sure I'd have gone to college since my dad would have been in my life and paid for it. That means I'd likely have a career at this point, maybe in veterinary medicine or psychology...or maybe as an interior designer like my half sis since, like her, I seem to have a natural flair for that sort of thing.

I may even be closer to my FOO since they wouldn't have the fact that I chose to remain here in North Carolina, rather than moving back "home" the first chance I got, to hold against me. Though I'm sure I'd never have had any REAL, meaningful relationship with any of them regardless simply because of the nature of their dysfunction.

I'm sure the abuse at home would have still occurred though it may have been to a much lesser degree with extended family close enough to pop over unannounced.

As I thought about all that might have been, I felt myself getting angrier at all I've been cheated out of in my life and I resolved that I'd had enough. I'm so sick of all of these people taking from me - taking my power, my happiness, certain aspects of my life, even my material things. My NM has several items of mine including one heck of a copper collection that I managed to scrape together with some very fortunate yard sale and thrift shop finds. If purchased new in a store, I'd dare say the entire collection would total a few thousand dollars yet I paid, at most, less than $100 for all of it.

I decided then and there that I was going to do whatever I could to get my things back from my NM. Why the hell should she get to win and keep my stuff? More to the point, it's MINE and I WANT IT BACK! I spoke with dh and he assured me he'd help me and do whatever he could to get my things back from NM. He plans to handle it all himself and keep me out of it but, honestly, I feel a part of me NEEDS to do this myself. Dh can be there for support - I'm certainly not stupid enough to go into the lion's den alone - but I need to stand up to NM and take my power (and my things) back for myself. It's more of a gut instinct at this time but I feel this may be just the thing I need to really and truly put all this behind me and move on with my life. And while I'm there, I can throw...I mean, nicely hand my NM the stupid family baptismal gown back. They want it back, fine but I'll be darned if I'm going to put it in the mail and risk it being lost so that they can berate me for that too.

Strange....just typing all this out and seeing it written down is enough to make me feel a bit better.

I'll let you all know how dh and I decide to handle getting my things back. Right now, I'm thinking a surprise pop over is best since to announce my arrival beforehand could prove disastrous. NM has had FIVE long months now to seethe in her anger at my daring to refuse to put up with her crap anymore. Five months of letting her anger build and grow. If I catch her off guard and surprise her, I may be able to escape some of her wrath but, announced beforehand, it wouldn't surprise me to arrive there to find NHS and BIL just "happened" to be visiting so that they could all ambush and attack me. No...a sneak attack is definitely best.

1 comment:

  1. They're just things. Rather than risk your new freedom and safety, I'd be tempted to let them go.