Saturday, June 19, 2010

Ugh. I hate this.

So, today was the day dh went to NM's to get my stuff back. He was originally supposed to go yesterday but he already had plans with his brother to go swimming over there today and figured it made more sense to wait till today rather than make a special trip. So, today it was.

In all, everything went well. Dh said he was at NM's less than a minute. NM opened the door before dh even got to it and then immediately set to handing him ds' wicker bassinet and some of my old art stuff that I didn't even know she still had. Dh asked for my copper as well and NM said that it was all put up on top of her kitchen cabinets and that she'd have to take it all down. She said she'd get it done in the next couple of days and dh could come back to get that as well as a bag of toys of ds' that were still in her attic. Dh said that would be fine, he'd email her to arrange a time to come get it and left.

Dh said that NM seemed very tired and sad, though he suspected it had little to do with us. Dh said it was that same tired, fed up look NM gets when SJ has been acting like an abusive ass. My guess is that SJ was drunk - as usual - and talking shit either about dh coming into HIS house or made a comment that I'd better not be coming too and/or that he had something to say to me, etc. In other words, the usual BS from him. Dh said that while he first thought NM was saying he (dh) wasn't welcome in her home, that he later thought - after thinking things over - that it was more like NM didn't want any trouble from SJ.

I wish we'd gotten everything today because now I'm worried about dh having to go there again if SJ is there and decides to start something. The only danger from NM is words really but SJ can definitely get violent and I can totally see him going after someone physically. Maybe dh can get FIL to go with him the next time if BIL isn't available. Worst case, I'll go and stay in the car so at least there'll be a witness.

The sucky part? I'm now sitting here feeling bad for NM. I still care for her on some level, even if I know that she'll never change and we can never have a positive relationship. I certainly have no intent of breaking NC but it just saddens me so much that her life is so miserable, particularly with regard to being married to a sadistic, N pig like SJ. And because of her mental illness, she can't see that there is a way out.

I wish there was some way I could explain things to her and she'd understand that I didn't walk away to try and hurt her or cause her pain but because I didn't want to hurt anymore and, after everything else had failed, it was the only option I had left. Instead, she feels she's done nothing wrong and I'm just out to hurt her.

I just wish it didn't have to be like this.


  1. Dearest DA, I know it's hard but try to remember you are not responsible for the happiness of anyone except yourself. We VONs are sensitive and nurturing people who have been "groomed" to put the needs of others before our own. Stay strong! NC was the only recourse left to you.

    Hugs, mulderfan

  2. Yeah, I know Mulderfan. It's just that it's still a sad situation and I just so wish things were different. :oS

  3. I affirm your sadness, nobody wants it to turn out this way. Even though you are doing what is right for you and your family, you still have compassion, and that's a good thing. The most loving thing to do in a situation like this is disengage, because you don't want to be hurt and you don't want to hurt her anymore - but that doesn't heal the hurt, the disappointment, or the lifelong yearning for love.