Not sure what's going on lately. I've felt a really strong pull to break NC with my N father and reach out to him in some way. Have come so close many times to emailing him or picking up the phone and calling but just before I do, I always stop for some reason.
I suppose part of me is unhappy with how things were left two years ago and continues to long for a relationship with my NF. But I'm also smart enough at this point to know that it would almost certainly end with my being hurt yet again. If I were to get in touch with him, one of two things would happen - either he'd reject me or he'd say all the right things like he did last time but they would eventually be proven fake and I'd be left hurting once again.
I just wish I could understand why there's such a huge pull. Is it just instinctual for a child to long for a relationship with one's parents? Or is it that I'm just a glutton for punishment? To listen to others, it could be either. Though, admittedly, it's far more preferable for me to believe that it's just instinctual rather than to believe that there's something wrong with me that I keep going back for more despite being hurt time and again.
Or maybe it's that things haven't been going quite as well with NM lately. She's not doing anything so completely awful I guess. It's just that she's been whining and complaining about everything lately. Every time I talk with her lately it's all her whining about how she has no money, how she's tired of living like this, how she's sick of feeling sick and tired all the time, how she hates her hair, etc. Mind you, anytime I've offered her a suggestion to solve one of her many problems, she always has an excuse why it won't work. For example, if she complains that she's tired of not having money and how she'd get a job if only there were any out there, I might mention that I saw X place hiring only for NM to respond that she doesn't want to have to work, she doesn't want to get stuck working nights and weekends and/or that they would only pay her minimum wage and she refuses to work for less than $14+ an hour. And when all else fails, NM comes out with her favorite excuse - quite simply, she "can't be bothered".
Personally, I think the real truth is that she doesn't want to help herself because then she can't go on being the victim. If there's anything NM loves, it's being able to play the victim. The proof of that in my mind is that NM is ALWAYS undergoing some sort of crisis, be it some new physical ailment or something going on externally in her life. She whines almost non-stop about having diabetes yet does NOTHING to help her situation. I've told her numerous times that she needs to avoid carbs especially in her diet but what does NM eat 99.9% of the time? That's right, carbs! She'll call me up and complain that she's feeling so shaky that day and when I ask what she's eaten that day, it's almost always, "I had some toast" or "I had some pasta". If I say anything, her response is always, "The doctor said I could!". NO, NM...what the doctor said was that it was okay once in a while to have a small portion of pasta or a slice of pizza if she went out for dinner. It was never intended that she eat that stuff at nearly every meal. But of course if NM began eating correctly, she might feel better and then she wouldn't be able to whine about the unfairness of it all that she be saddled with such a burden.
*sigh* Life with N's. Never a dull moment, is it?
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Hugs. The frustration is never ending which is why people go no contact. I decided to let go of my expectations. She is going to do what she wants any way. I am of the notion that a desire to feel connected to family is a fairly normal, human feeling. Unfortunately, not all families fit one cookie cutter existence. You need to do what works for you whatever it is.
ReplyDeleteI have found it helpful to look at NC as recovery from an addiction, with "cravings" for contact. My NM was quite the whiner also, and I enabled her by listening, offering advice, researching her problems for her....none of which she followed or which helped because she just lived to whine another day, or the answer didn't work if she DID try it!! So part of my recovery besides NC, is to check those helpful (enabling) thoughts at the door and not engage. This is it in short form for me....
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is anything wrong with you for wanting to have a relationship with your NPs. I believe that it's kind of impossible for that desire to be absent in any child (or adult child). You can want to have a relationship (or actually have one) with a narcissistic parent and still not be "crazy." I think the secret is that you have to maintain your boundaries like a pro, always. So having relationships with them always ends up being exhausting, in every sense of the word.
ReplyDeleteHugs. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult spot and that you haven't yet found all the answer you're looking for.
-Jonsi
Hi Disturbedangel,
ReplyDeleteIt's Palantean here. I'm looking for information about why the DoNM forum has been down for so long. Do you know?
You can contact me if you like on palantean [at] hotmail dot co dot uk.
P
@Palantean - Not sure what's going on. Have tried several times to access the site only to find it still down. All I know is what is posted on the main page, that it's down for "technical problems". :o)
ReplyDelete