Thursday, November 18, 2010

What do I want?

Had a bad day the other day. It was one of those days where thoughts of N FOO popped into my head and, no matter what I tried, just wouldn't bugger off. I was just standing there doing my dishes when I got to thinking about how my N FOO will all be together up in Ohio for the upcoming holiday and how, in the past, I've longed to be there too, to be "home for the holidays". I was thinking that, this year, I'd be happy to be amongst true family. People who love and support me unconditionally just for being me rather than what I can do for them. In turn, that got me thinking about how my N FOO have all turned on me and chosen to support my NM and her lies. That made me angry, mostly because it's all so horribly untrue. If I was the person NM, NHS and NSJ make me out to be, I could understand people not wanting anything to do with me and shunning me but I'm not that person. I'm a GOOD person who has always gone out of my way to make others happy and keep the peace and it's just so horribly unfair how I'm being treated.
At any rate, all this thinking about my N FOO got me to thinking what is it I want from all of them? It took a while but I realized that the answer is that I want someone to say to me, "What happened in that house?" I want them to want to know what went on. I want them to understand, to the extent that anyone can understand without having lived through it. I want them to listen, specifically to my side of the story. I just want to be heard. Validation would be divine but I could settle with just being allowed an opportunity to be heard. At that point, if everyone still chose to side with NM, so be it. But at least I'd have been given a chance to present my side of the story.

I so wish I could stop caring what other people think of me. It's certainly something I'm working on, but it's SO hard to stop feeling. Much harder than changing one's actions which was hard enough in itself. I think it's especially hard to stop caring about family when they are the one group of people above all others who are supposed to support you and care about you. Family is supposed to be the soft spot in the world that you can go to when you're feeling weak or down or in need of a lift. At least that's how I've always envisioned true family as being.

I'm lucky in that I've had at least one FOO member willing to hear me out but it's not enough for me. I want them all - or at least the majority of them - to seek out my story. Logically, I know this isn't going to happen and I need to find a way to let it go and move on but, emotionally, it's hard to accept that they don't care enough to want to know. It's hard to think that one's own family cares so little about them and I think that deep wounding is exactly what makes it so hard to let go.

I'm not going to stop trying though. I've come too far to give up now. But I fear that this will be one of the hardest steps in my healing process.

Wish me luck! I think I'm gonna need it! ;o)


  1. You are so new on your journey, and I feel for you. Well, I feel for a lot of people going through this, and especially at the beginning. I've been there, done that, and it sucks. Just know that your true family and friends will rally around you. You might not even realize who is there for you right now. Of my 2 aunts, 2 uncles, six cousins, and one step brother; exactly one of my cousins has made an effort. I realized later, that I had no real relationship with the others other than to see them twice or no times a I was worried about their opinion or interest in me because...???? I promise you, it will get easier. You will feel better, but it's a long process. I have become acquainted with someone online that says they have just started their journey 64 years later!! It's not a journey most of us wanted to take, but it's amazing how many of our present personal lives are sane. Usually they become a lot saner once we start to take care of ourselves, and resolve these issues in whatever way is best for our individual needs.

  2. Just remember that you cannot control what others think, say or feel. In the end they will believe what they want. Some people don't want to know the truth. They want to believe the fairy tale and be in denial because it's easier. Focus on what you know to be true, and act accordingly. Ns may rally the troops and circle the wagons, but the truth is far more powerful than that!