Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Not sure WHAT to call this. A dream? A nightmare? Something else?

**NOTE : Some parts of this may be sensitive or triggering to some people so just proceed with caution please.

You'll have to bear with me as I'm trying to put this all together and sort it out as I type it...

I awoke at 5am this morning from a nightmare. In the dream, it was dh and I along with several others and we were all in hiding. Aliens had invaded the earth (I know, sounds stupid to write it now but it was really scary in the dream!) and, at any moment, they may come to get us and take us away. Dh and I had ds but he wasn't with us in the dream. I remember going to dh at one point and asking him, if it came to it, to promise me that he'd help me kill ds and then kill me since I just couldn't deal with the thought of the aliens getting hold of him and I knew I couldn't survive without ds. The dream, or nightmare, switched then and there was this cat. It was hurt and I had to kill it to help put it out of it's suffering but the only thing I had was my bare hands. Without going into too much detail, I killed the cat and then cried because I felt sorry for it only to have my sadness turn into fear and revulsion when the cat starting moving in my hands again. It was at this point that I shot awake.

First thing I did was to check on ds who was, of course, sleeping and just fine. I went back to bed and had all these thoughts racing through my head. First and foremost, don't know where this came from, but it occurred to me that just as the aliens could come and kill me at any second, so it was living in that house growing up with NFOO. With a physically and verbally abusive stepjerk who easily weighed close to 300 pounds (I was a mere 120 pounds at my highest when I lived there), his ability to literally crush the life out of me was a very real possibility. Add to that NM and NSJ always making comments like, "We brought you into this world, we can take you out!" and other awful things like that, it seemed a very real threat indeed. I think this is also why I am so terrified of standing up to them - meaning NM and NSJ - because, in my mind, they hold my very life in their hands and, at any moment, can choose to end it. Of course, when I think this out in the daytime right now, it sounds rather absurd yet....the fear remains.

The second thing that occurred to me is that, just as I refused to surrender to the aliens and allow them to have ds and me in the dream, so that was in real life also. There is a little warrior inside of me who refused to allow NFOO to totally destroy me. Despite the hell that they put me through, I survived. Interesting thought - I would rather destroy myself than allow them to conquer and do God only knows what to me.

There was also some religious aspect to my thought processes afterwards but I can't really remember anymore what it was. What I DO know is that I have a bad anxiety reaction to people who are vehemently anti-God. Doesn't bother me at all if someone is atheist or non-Christian and polite/respectful about it, just when they get really aggressive and nasty about the fact that I am a Christian and believe in God. I'm certain this has a great deal to do with NSJ who, I believe, is evil. You can literally FEEL the evil rage seething off of him anytime someone dares to bring up the topic of God or religion around him. His comments can only be described as wasp-like and dripping with venom. Truly, I imagine he'd give the ole devil himself a run for his money in his hatred of God and anything religious.

All of these thoughts just seemed so completely PROFOUND to me this morning. I felt sick to my stomach, gut-punched, truly. I felt like I should be experiencing some sort of huge emotional release as well - crying, sobbing, shaking, etc. - but nothing came. I'm a bit nervous it may hit me later. I'm hoping if it does that it at least waits until dh is home so I don't freak out ds.

I'm curious to see if you all can get anything more out of it beyond what I've come up with already. It just felt so WEIRD. Still does. I feel slightly dizzy and like my skin is crawling, almost like there's some even more profound revelation there but my subconscious is doing everything it can to keep it under wraps.

*sigh* I wish so badly I had a therapy session today. I'd call but they just changed policy that any call over 10 minutes and you're billed as a session. Since money is VERY tight right now, I just can't afford it.


  1. Sounds like the physical reaction is an adrenalin rush, which makes perfectly good sense. Chocolate really does help.

    I don't like it when people question my Christianity, either. I call it one of my no-go areas. It's one of the few boundaries I've set and held. Believe what you want, but don't tell me my beliefs are wrong. Why is it that we think there's something wrong with us when we feel defensive about our own beliefs? We will defend the right of others to believe what they wish, but we don't do that for ourselves?

    Fear is a huge control mechanism. My NM and BPB both use it, and though I know there's nothing they can do, really, they still strike fear in me.

    What would you do for your ds if he had a nightmare? Do something nice for you.

  2. sounds like an important dream. usually there isn't anything you can do except just wait. time of upheaval? things are about to change..:) i hope you feel better and the sick feeling goes away. but sometimes its worth it to go through it...i hope it is.

  3. When I started remembering my past, dreams spiked the experience. The fascinating thing about dreams you recognize parts that are not real. So then you question the things that are real. And then, was it something you did or something you saw done? Which is real and which is not but it all feels real? Those type of dreams I process as much as I can and it sounds like you did that. Your counselor might have more insight on that. Does your counselor let you send emails? That sometimes helps with the middle of the night drama. To me this is a healthy sign because you actually remembered parts of it and were able to see some connections. That is great.

    When I was in high school, my friends tried to save me from my religion. They discovered it was not negotiable for me. My belief in Christ literally saved my life. I learned to be tolerant of other beliefs but please don't use my belief in Christ as a way to belittle me. My Savior is so important to me that I stopped being friends with those people in high school. I do appreciate people that do believe differently than I do but support my right to believe as I do. One of my supporters has a much different religion than I do and she believes very firmly that I have the right to feel as I do, just as I feel she has the right to believe as she does. From what you write, I suspect the person badgering you on religion is a bully looking for new ways to hurt you since you are finding your own personal strength. Keep getting stronger. You are awesome.