Okay so, I keep going back and forth but, overall, I know that it has to be NC for me because I clearly cannot handle LC in any form with NM. The only confusing thing for me is that while part of me would like to be able to contact her should I want to, truthfully, I want nothing to do with her really. It's like, I don't want to talk to her, I just want to hold on on that remaining string "just in case" or whatever. Confusing, right? Anyhow, despite that, I'm feeling that I will wind up going back NC only, this time, I'd like to send an official NC letter.
As much as I'd LOVE to really blast NM all to hell in the letter, as all my DoNM sisters (and my wonderful dh) so smartly pointed out, no good whatsoever would come of it. The only thing that would come of it would be for NM to gain ammo which she could then use to further her victim status and I refuse to help her in that regard so that will just have to remain an unfulfilled wish of mine I guess.
Dh suggested I keep my NC letter short, sweet and to the point. Be firm, but polite so as to give NM as little ammo to use against me as possible and so that, when she inevitably DOES pass it along to extended FOO as evidence of my "badness", they will likely see nothing negative about it. At least nothing that would prove me to be unnecessarily cruel or unkind to NM. After much editing and re-editing, here's what I've come up with:
I thought I could handle having a relationship with you again but I can't. It's not that I don't love you – because I do - and you haven't done anything since we started talking again, I just am not in a place where I can handle having a relationship with you right now. If and when the time comes that I am ready, I will let you know.
Until then,
DA
What do you all think? The part about NM supposedly not having done anything since we began speaking again irked me slightly but, as I have no concrete proof beyond my own gut instinct that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment when she didn't speak to me for those two weeks, bringing it up would be somewhat pointless and, again, only serve to give NM ammo against me. I feel I also achieved my goal of not making me look bad when NM forwards it to the entire extended FOO upon receiving it. I have to say though, it was TOUGH to be so nice about it. It feels like I'm admitting defeat and she's "winning" which just chaps my ass to no end. But, as dh also pointed out ala "Dr. Phil", do I want to be RIGHT or do I want to get past this, heal and move forward? The answer is, while I'd LOVE to be right for once, much more than that, I'd like to heal and move forward.
On a bit of a related side note, as I was typing this, I was trying to figure out what NM's response would be. Since we started chatting again, NM has been trying to negotiate a table from me that I currently have for sale in my shop. Basically, NM doesn't want to pay the $100 so has been trying to barter with me. I'm not opposed to a trade but, so far, all NM has offered me is crap. At any rate, I feel very certain that NM's only comment to me in response to this NC letter is to ask if she can still have the table before we go our separate ways. When I mentioned my thoughts to dh, he gave me a sad smile and said, "Sadly, I can totally see her responding with that." If NM doesn't mention getting the table first, I will be seriously shocked. That's how sure I am that that will be at least part of her response. (For the record, any response from her will be read by dh after which point she will be once again blocked from sending any future emails.)
Wish there was some other option to try but I've once again found myself with no where left to go but NC.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Before I even got to the part where you talked about it yourself, I copied this line, "and you haven't done anything since we started talking again." Something doesn't sit right with me about saying that as well. I think because you're mother DID do something...in that she didn't do ANYTHING, if that makes any sort of sense. It goes back to my thought about expecting change from her and if you've seen any improvements in her behaviors (which you indicated that you haven't). So I guess I don't really like that part of the letter. I feel like you're putting responsibility on yourself, instead of where it belongs.
ReplyDeleteI can see your sort of discontent with the NC letter as it is. I would feel the same way if it were me. There's always that part of you that wants to sock it to 'em.
As always, I think that if it's what you're most comfortable sending, then go for it. The ultimate point is the NC, not so much the words that get you there. It's just...if it were me, I'd be more, "I'm doing this for myself. You have not changed." I think your NM is going to badmouth you no matter what you do, personally. She'll just start up a new smear campaign, or slant your NC note, no matter how nicely it's written.
Hmm, I just keep reading your note here over and over.
ReplyDeleteI think you sound...defeated. I think it also sort of makes it sound like you want the ball in your court. Do you?
For example, you said you "can not handle" twice. I think you're selling your own capabilities short. I don't think it's that you can't handle having a relationship with her...I think it's more that you're CHOOSING not to have one with her. It's not a matter of ability, but of choice.
Just my opinions! Ultimately, I think you should absolutely do what you feel most comfortable with. If you think you'd regret saying anything else, then go with what feels right.
Another thing...I think you're doubting yourself and your gut feelings and that's one of the ways I know narcs teach you to distrust yourself. You said, "no concrete proof beyond my own gut instinct that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment." I know that feeling! When I was with my narc-ex boyfriend, he made me feel that way all the time...like I needed to have hard-core, right in front of me proof of wrong-doing. (And even when I did, he denied the evidence). Don't do that to yourself! Trust your instincts! You've known this woman for a long time...long enough to be right if your gut is trying to tell you something.
I don't think you have to point these things out to her - I personally think that, if you're generous enough to send a letter of NC (And really what it is, is a way to send that one last boundary) it's not a time to explain or defend anything. I think it could be as simple and to the point as, "Do not contact me anymore."
Ah, I'm just rambling my thoughts now. A lot of this hits home for me in regards to our own situation, so I apologize if I'm coming off sounding like a know-it-all. I don't know it all, for sure. But I do think you should be able to feel confident in what you write in your letter of NC.
Okay, off I go! (Must....stop...typing!)
@ Jonsi - I have to say, I FEEL defeated in a lot of ways. I feel like I gave the relationship all I had and then some and all I've gotten for my efforts is pain, hurt, frustration, anger and more pain. Oh yeah, and a heaping portion of disappointment.
ReplyDeleteI see your other points and agree with them. I would LOVE to word it more the way you did but, there again, it would only give NM ammo to use to further her victim status with the FOO. Also, I unfortunately still care about how I'm perceived to a degree and I think this is the best way to end the relationship with NM while maintaining my status in the eyes of the extended FOO. NM WILL try to make it like I'm this horrible person but when they read my email to her, I feel that - worded this way - it won't make me look bad. Rather, it will seem as if I honestly thought I could and gave it a shot but I just couldn't do it anymore. And, to be honest, that's kind of the way it went.
Yes, at this point, I'm choosing to no longer have a relationship with her but that is in large part due to the fact that getting back into contact with her threw me for such an emotional loop.
And, no, you're not coming off as a know-it-all at all so, no worries! ;o)
I can totally understand feeling defeated. Yup, been there myself. There's just nothing pretty or happy about having to cut off contact with someone you love and who is supposed to love you. It's a heart-breaking circumstance, for sure.
ReplyDeleteI think the reason it's hitting a nerve for me is that I wouldn't want to show anyone that kind of hurt, especially someone who manipulated me. In my experiences, it just bit me in the butt when I showed those controlling/manipulative people that I was hurt/defeated. In some ways, then they just start up their awful attacks again, and they know that they still have some power.
I have to agree with you, that if you want to keep some sort of relationship with the rest of the FOO, then maybe this kind of letter is the way to go. I STILL think you'll be painted in a terrible light, no matter what, but hopefully they'll be able to see the truth for what it is, instead of how your mother paints it. (And if they don't, and they draw lines and they side with your NM...maybe it's time to reconsider those relationships as well.)
It was like that with DH's EF. We tried to give him chances but he kept proving that his loyalty was with his ex-wife and not his son. So we had to reconsider that relationship as well, and he's ALMOST joined the NC bandwagon completely. (Right now, it's LC, and we may just go NC without warning EF of it).
"I unfortunately still care about how I'm perceived to a degree..." I think this is normal. Most people DO care, at least a little bit, what others think of them.
I think that as long as you feel okay with it, you should send it. Like I said, I still think the ultimate point is saving yourself emotionally from your NM's grasps by going NC. It's the NC that's important, not necessarily how you get there.
yes, trust your gut.
ReplyDeleteah yes, i was wondering just how important your extended FOO are to you. do you really care what they think? do they even come into your life? and i'm wondering who these couple people are who told you that she seemed harmless this past couple weeks. are they part of your FOO? cause if so, they have no idea and apparently, they already are on her side ANYWAY. i do see you are in a defensive position, as if trying to rock the boat as little as possible and slip under radar. but FOO drama is a self-perpetuating machine and if you go NC with purpose, it will be worth it. YOURE leaving THEM.
you CAN be right and heal at the same time! i do think that is the only way TO heal. invest in your own wants. maybe if that nagging desire for angry confrontation/attack doesn't go away, you can take the risk and try it. it might change your world.
i don't know what i think of the letter. i just want this woman out of your life starting now! my thoughts on this will never change. doll, she's MEAN!
May I suggest to delete this portion:
ReplyDelete"and you haven't done anything since we started talking again"
You do sound tired in the email but again it is how you feel. I suspect this is so hard on you and I sure understand the feeling. I have tried to connect with my NM since I was 5 years old. Your kindness and loving nature stands out in every post. Putting up walls and barriers seems unnatural to people that want to connect. Unfortunately you learned in the space of LC the feelings aren't easily dismissed and awareness doesn't stop. I agree with Lisa to trust your gut, you have very kind guts. Keep yourself and your family safe and figure things out from there.
Hi DA!
ReplyDeleteFirst, good for you for recognizing that you need to disconnect and for following through. That first step's a doozy. :)
I totally get that you want to put it in writing and make it official and that you want to keep your side of the street clean. I want to ask you, though; why do you need to explain your reasons to her?
You know you want NC, you know that it's the best thing for you and you're capable of drawing that boundary. You have, as we all have, an absolute right to defend ourselves, to keep ourselves safe and take care of ourselves. If you know that NC will accomplish these protections, then you can declare NC without falling into the Narcissist's trap of, "but why?" Becuase it's best for you, that's why. Period.
I know that, for me, I was taught that I had to follow 'their' rules or explain myself. I learned that I really don't have to do that. I would explain my actions to a partner who deserves my respect. My Narcs have never been my partners and - frankly, based on her actions - I have more respect for carrots than I do for my NM. I don't owe any explanations to carrots when I eat them, and I don't owe any explanations to Narcs when I disengage.
I know that my approach sounds cold, but if you're dealing with a Narcissist, it doesn't matter what you say - she'll attempt to use it against you. So, might as well say as little as possible, at least that's my thinking.
You've done nothing wrong and you deserve to be safe. Many hugs to you!
Love,
Vanci