Okay so, I keep going back and forth but, overall, I know that it has to be NC for me because I clearly cannot handle LC in any form with NM. The only confusing thing for me is that while part of me would like to be able to contact her should I want to, truthfully, I want nothing to do with her really. It's like, I don't want to talk to her, I just want to hold on on that remaining string "just in case" or whatever. Confusing, right? Anyhow, despite that, I'm feeling that I will wind up going back NC only, this time, I'd like to send an official NC letter.
As much as I'd LOVE to really blast NM all to hell in the letter, as all my DoNM sisters (and my wonderful dh) so smartly pointed out, no good whatsoever would come of it. The only thing that would come of it would be for NM to gain ammo which she could then use to further her victim status and I refuse to help her in that regard so that will just have to remain an unfulfilled wish of mine I guess.
Dh suggested I keep my NC letter short, sweet and to the point. Be firm, but polite so as to give NM as little ammo to use against me as possible and so that, when she inevitably DOES pass it along to extended FOO as evidence of my "badness", they will likely see nothing negative about it. At least nothing that would prove me to be unnecessarily cruel or unkind to NM. After much editing and re-editing, here's what I've come up with:
I thought I could handle having a relationship with you again but I can't. It's not that I don't love you – because I do - and you haven't done anything since we started talking again, I just am not in a place where I can handle having a relationship with you right now. If and when the time comes that I am ready, I will let you know.
What do you all think? The part about NM supposedly not having done anything since we began speaking again irked me slightly but, as I have no concrete proof beyond my own gut instinct that NM was playing games and giving me the silent treatment when she didn't speak to me for those two weeks, bringing it up would be somewhat pointless and, again, only serve to give NM ammo against me. I feel I also achieved my goal of not making me look bad when NM forwards it to the entire extended FOO upon receiving it. I have to say though, it was TOUGH to be so nice about it. It feels like I'm admitting defeat and she's "winning" which just chaps my ass to no end. But, as dh also pointed out ala "Dr. Phil", do I want to be RIGHT or do I want to get past this, heal and move forward? The answer is, while I'd LOVE to be right for once, much more than that, I'd like to heal and move forward.
On a bit of a related side note, as I was typing this, I was trying to figure out what NM's response would be. Since we started chatting again, NM has been trying to negotiate a table from me that I currently have for sale in my shop. Basically, NM doesn't want to pay the $100 so has been trying to barter with me. I'm not opposed to a trade but, so far, all NM has offered me is crap. At any rate, I feel very certain that NM's only comment to me in response to this NC letter is to ask if she can still have the table before we go our separate ways. When I mentioned my thoughts to dh, he gave me a sad smile and said, "Sadly, I can totally see her responding with that." If NM doesn't mention getting the table first, I will be seriously shocked. That's how sure I am that that will be at least part of her response. (For the record, any response from her will be read by dh after which point she will be once again blocked from sending any future emails.)
Wish there was some other option to try but I've once again found myself with no where left to go but NC.