My List of Grievances for my NM...

A few years ago, I decided to sit down and compile a list of all the bad memories that came to mind involving NM. When I started my list, I expected to wind up with maybe two or three pages, if that. I certainly never expected the page count to get up to ten, especially considering that I'd typed it up in a small font! The page count has since gotten up to fourteen pages and continues to grow as new stuff comes up over the years and/or new bad memories are created.

The list is long so it will take several posts to get it all down here but I wanted to share and get it all out there. And so, without further ado, my List of Grievances:

• When I took fertility meds, back when we first started trying to conceive, I wound up having a bad emotional/psychological reaction to them. It felt like I wasn't in control of my own body/emotions and I was very frightened. NM told me I had “no right” to be upset because I’d CHOSEN to take the meds, unlike her who didn’t ASK to have cancer. What that had to do with anything, I have NO idea. Besides, NM was cancer-free by then. Even still, they caught her breast cancer extremely early and she was only given radiation treatments more as a precaution than because it was truly necessary.)

• When I called NM up after a month cutoff – my then T's suggestion of which NM was warned before it happened - she told me that she didn’t care if she ever spoke to me again and that, if I hadn’t called her, she likely wouldn’t have ever called me back she was so angry. (If only I hadn't called her back! LOL) She also said that having me in her life was a huge “burden” and that even NHS agreed with her that having a relationship with me was more trouble than it was worth.

• One time when I was very young – like maybe 6 or 7 years old? - unbeknownst to me, NM had lied to my dad about me being sick so that I could stay home that weekend. When my dad called me, I decided I missed him and wanted to see him and told him I wasn’t sick. He said he’d come get me. While we were waiting, my NM got super upset that I had “betrayed her” and handed me a steak knife and told me to stab her. Can’t remember the rest but I seem to remember it had to do with stabbing her being equal to what I’d done to her or something like that so I should just finish her off.

• When I expressed anxiety during my pregnancy – understandable since this was my first child – NM told anyone who would listen that I was “super depressed” and unnaturally “terrified” at the thought of having a baby. Of course it was completely UNTRUE but she had my doctors as well as extended FOO frantic and worried sick about me. During a doctor’s visit, she told my doctor the same and pushed the doctor to put me on antidepressants. Am SO glad I stood my ground and refused given that now all I see on tv are ads about birth defects from women who took those drugs during pregnancy!

• Has gone against my wishes multiple times regarding ds. Once she gave him a TicTac after I’d just finished telling her not to and another time she gave him rice. The rice incident was just after we’d begun solids and the only thing ds had had up to that point was baby cereal. It took my taking the rice away from her and putting it down the garbage disposal to get her to stop giving it to him. She’s also always expecting me to push ds’ nap later or even put it off entirely so that she can come see him or so that I won’t have it as an “excuse” not to do something/go somewhere with her.

• Once when I said I was getting my hair cut a certain way, NM said “Good!” On other occasions she’s told me point blank that she hates my hairstyle. I once had my hair cut in a pageboy sort of style. You know, shoulder length and thick, bluntly cut bangs across the front. I hated it but NM and NSJ supposedly loved it and are always telling me THAT is how I need to get my hair done again “because it was so CUTE that way!” Blech!

• Often tells me how she thinks I’d be “so much happier” if I “just lost even 20 pounds”. She’ll also criticize what I eat, how often I eat, etc. As if I’m not already painfully aware that I am overweight. (roll eyes) Wonder what she'd think now that I've lost nearly 60 pounds? LOL

• Is always telling me I’m “too sensitive”, that I “have too many rules” for everyone, that I’m constantly being “overly dramatic” or acting “silly” about stuff. No matter what the case, I am always wrong somehow, even if I had/have nothing to do with it.

• Her favorite thing to tell me is how much of a “problem” I was to raise and how she’s so glad I’m out on my own now and she doesn’t have to put up with me anymore.

• When we went over to tell her the good news about being pregnant, she said “I’m so happy!” This was quickly followed by, “Because now you’ll know the h@ll I went through each time I had to give you to your father for visitations!”

• When she found out my dh goes on a weekly guy’s night outing with his friend J, NM said to me “You know, he (dh) does that because he doesn’t want to be around you. He’s unhappy with you right now.”

• When she found out (accidentally) about certain intimacy problems between me and dh, she told me that I’d better start doing stuff anyways whether I wanted to or not otherwise I was going to lose dh and he’d cheat on me!

• Whenever confronted with my depression or anxiety disorders, she would tell me to “just not think about it”. I guess if I did that it would magically cease to be a problem?

• When confronted with any past abuse, she a) denies any abuse ever occurred and b) will refuse to even say the “a” word. Apparently I'm just a liar with severe mental problems.

• If I would bring up things NSJ had done – such as nasty comments, etc. – NM would tell me to “just ignore it” or, better still, to “give it right back to him”. Gee…why didn’t I think of that? (roll eyes)

• Once, when I took her to a therapy session, she spent the entire hour badmouthing me to the therapist and told her that “DA has always hated SJ for taking her father’s place in my life and has been known to lie in order to make him look bad.” She also stated that I had a tendency to greatly exaggerate things – like the “supposed abuse” - and make them out to be something they weren’t.

• Continually badmouths my father to me, despite my repeatedly asking her not to, all the while claiming to be “over him” and insisting that she “could care less” about him. And heaven help me if something comes on a talk show or tv that is remotely related to abuse or controlling spouses. NM never hesitates to tell me “Your father used to do that to me” and/or compares herself to the person going through the abuse. (I’ve spoken to various family members about this and while they all agree my dad wasn’t the best dh to my mom and would often play nasty “jokes” on her – like hiding her car keys when she had to leave for work, etc. – not one of them has ever so much as hinted to the fact that my dad ever hit my mother or beat her. Just the same, we can be watching a talk show about abused wives who were literally beaten to within inches of their lives and NM will compare herself to them as if what she endured was somehow just as bad.)

• NM is always complaining about my house and saying I don’t keep it clean enough, that she can’t stand the dog hair and wouldn’t be able to live with a dog like mine, that she can’t understand WHY we don’t just do our dishes as soon as we’re done using them, etc. In other words, she can’t understand why we don’t do things JUST LIKE HER. I’ve gotten to the point where I just say, “Listen. This is MY house. If you don’t like it, clean it. Otherwise, SHUT UP!”

• Will tell me that I should just tell ds “no” when it comes to certain things. Like our Xmas tree one year, we had it in a corner so that ds couldn’t reach it. NM asked why it was in the corner, saying that it looked “stupid” like that. When I told her it was to keep ds away from it, she told me to “just tell him no, not to touch.” I just laughed. FYI, ds wasn’t even two years old at the time.

• When dh and I got a decent settlement from an accident we’d been in, NM not only said I was “lucky” (because we got a settlement from the accident), she said I was “stupid” for putting the money into savings when I could have spent it redecorating my home. Yeah, like I wouldn’t rather NOT have the migraines and neck pain due to the whiplash, not to mention the back pain that is back after I’d FINALLY gotten to a point where I was almost pain free. Lucky me!

• When NM found out dh and I were going to take a birthing class, she said we were “stupid” for spending that much money and said SHE had never taken any birthing class so why the heck did WE need one? For that matter, she said women had been giving birth for hundreds of years without taking any “stupid birthing class” and THEY had done just fine. Then she added that if we had money to “piss away” that we should give it to her because SHE could use it and, I presume, would spend it more wisely?

• When NSJ’s mother passed away, NM was angry that they didn’t get more of an inheritance and complained that it was being “wasted” on NSJ’s sister (who was both handicapped physically as well as suffering from bipolar disorder, btw). When NSJ’s sister passed away having committed suicide, NM made the comment of “Thank God. Now maybe (NSJ’s sister and BIL's names) will send us some money now that (NSJ’s sister’s name) won’t be using it anymore.”!!!

• Basically, NM is always making comments about how people should send HER money or about how she wishes they would. When FIL gave dh and I the money to add on the sunroom to our house so that we could have more living space, NM’s comment was that she wished someone would give HER xx amount of dollars. When NM found out my GM had had her town home redecorated, NM said that if GM had money to “throw away on stupid shit”, that GM should send HER the money instead. Again, because SHE (NM) would spend it better and is apparently so much more deserving than everyone else.