Friday, September 2, 2011

List of Grievances - Part 3

  • When I revealed recently that dh and I would like to have another baby eventually, NM said, “Oh no. You guys definitely don’t need another baby. You have some serious shit to get together first.” WTFH????!!
  • After practically begging dh and I to stay with her and NSJ for a couple weeks while we were waiting for our closing date on our new house, I came home from work one day (about 5 days into our stay there) to find all our stuff in trash bags in NM’s foyer. When I asked what was up, NM said we had to go because she couldn’t stand our mess anymore. Mind you dh and I were extremely clean while living there, even more so than normal because I know what a clean freak my NM is. Dh and I wound up having to make arrangements to stay at his P’s at the last minute because we had nowhere else to go.
  • Is constantly telling me what I “ought to” do, what I “should do” or what I “need to” do, which, coincidentally, is what SHE thinks I ought, should or need to do.
  • Will often stop talking to me and give me the ‘silent treatment’ as a form of punishment when I go against her.
  • Has asked for money on a couple of occasions and then berated me and attempted to make me feel guilty when I said no way.
  • When I was still living at home, as soon as I got a job, suddenly I was expected to pay NM and NSJ “rent” in addition to chipping in for other bills as well as food and other necessities. All the while, NM was spending money on this, that and the next thing, none of which she needed and then asking me for more and more “rent” monies to cover her spending.
  • While still living at home and while I was between jobs, NSJ would use his time alone with me to verbally abuse me beyond belief. He’d often even follow me outside and scream at me in front of the neighbors. Often, when I’d had enough, I would leave and go to my NM’s place of business (her boss was really laid back and didn’t mind me hanging around) hoping for a little comfort or for her to call NSJ up and tell him to lay off. NM always insulted me for not being able to handle it and would say “What do you expect me to do about it?”
  • Whenever I wanted anything, be it an “in” article of clothing, a yearbook or whatever, I was told we “didn’t have the money”. However, whenever NHS wanted something, NM would run right out and buy it because “NHS was shy and didn’t make friends easily”. I was often also given the previous excuse of it not being fair since I got stuff from TWO families since my parents were divorced.
  • NM was always (and still does to an extent) comparing me to NHS – Why couldn’t I be more like her? Why couldn’t I dress more like her? Why couldn’t I be better in school more like her? Why couldn’t I have “nice” friends like her? Either that or it was, “NHS has never given me these kinds of problems.”, etc.
  • NM will often try to guilt me into doing things for her, such as agreeing to watch her bird or her dog for her while she’s away on vacation so that she doesn’t have to pay a big bill to board them. If I dare to tell her no, that I have other plans or that I just can’t for whatever reason, then I’m horrible and ungrateful and clearly don’t care about the poor animal’s welfare. She’s due to leave for vacation again soon and has been whining that she’s all concerned about her dog dying of separation while she’s gone. When I didn’t take her cue and offer to take the dog while she was gone, she grew pizzed and said I could at LEAST pick the dog up a day early so that she didn’t have to pay for the extra day.
  • When I first resumed contact with my father, I had a lot of unresolved anger towards him. To try and tell him how I felt, and since I didn’t feel able to do so over the phone or in person, I typed him a letter. When I went to print it, I discovered my printer was out of ink and so I took a disc over to my NM’s house to print it on her printer. I accidentally left the disc behind and was extremely upset to discover the my NM had not only let NSJ read it but had gone along with him in emailing the letter out to all my extended family members for them to read!!! NM was THRILLED that I was angry with my dad at the time and I presume she wanted to share her joy with the rest of the family.
  • NM will often ask me if dh or some other family member on dh’s side or my dad’s side has been talking badly about her behind her back. I used to tell her that they weren’t and could care less, now I don’t even bother to respond as I now know it’s just at attempt to get attention (i.e. “Poor me! Everyone’s talking about me behind my back and I didn’t even do anything to them! Boo hoo hoo!”) She’s also always paranoid that my N dad and NSM are in town and will drive by her house. As if they care.
  • Has told me on many occasions that I am not to say anything bad about NSJ in therapy. After all, we can’t have anyone finding out the truth now, can we?
  • Will talk to others – generally, anyone who will listen – about my private, personal business. For example, she once came to me and was riding me about my supposedly being “really depressed”. Then, when I denied it (because it wasn’t true), she told me that she’d talked with my chiropractor (who is also her chiro) and supposedly HE’D even agreed with her that I was, indeed, depressed which was, of course, a lie.
  • Has gone through my things (back when I still lived at home), including my diary, and then used what she found against me and/or criticized/teased me with the information.
  • NM insisted on hosting a party to celebrate ds’ baptism. She made out the invitations and sent them out to everyone, including my dad and SM and dh’s family only she forgot to include any information about the actual baptism. When I mentioned it to her, she said snottily, “YOU can handle that part. I’M only concerned with the party part of it.” Afterward, she kept asking for weeks if anyone had said anything about her or her house. She was actually disappointed when, time and again, I told her no one said a thing.
  • Is always telling me stuff like “You were always so difficult”, “You can be very difficult to love”, “You were very hard to live with” or “You were always causing trouble”. This is especially true of the times I complained about the abusive treatment from NSJ. First she’s say something like “Well, you know how he is. Just ignore it.” And then she’ll follow that up with “You know, you need to understand that you were very hard to live with. You were always causing trouble. It wasn’t easy for NSJ to come in and go from not having a family to suddenly having a wife and child. And then your father was always causing us problems…” Ro imply that I DESERVED the abuse in any way is nothing short of sick! As if ANY of that was my fault or responsibility! I was a CHILD for crying out loud!!
  • She’ll go on and on about her and NHS doing this or what she did with NHS’ kids and then say “I wish I could do xyz with my OTHER daughter too (meaning me) but she never wants to do anything with me anymore!”
  • She made up four different excuses as to why she couldn’t attend ds’ first birthday, including saying that she and NSJ had had plans for weeks to sand and refinish their deck that weekend and THAT was why she couldn’t be there. The truth was that, since I was cutoff from NSJ at that time, he wasn’t invited and so she chose to prove a point instead of attending her gs’ first birthday. (Updated to add – NM didn't attend ds' second birthday either, was there for his 3rd bday and then we were NC for ds' 4th and 5th bdays.)
  • No matter what it is, NM has to “out-do” me in some way. If I say I have a headache, she says “Oh, don’t talk about headaches! I’ve had this horrible migraine for DAYS now!” If I say I have a backache, she’ll have a worse one. (BTW, did I mention I’ve had two back surgeries?) Likewise, if I do something to my house, she has to do something to hers only BETTER. When we replaced the flooring in our kitchen with this really nice vinyl tile that looks like real stone, she went out and got stone tiles put in her kitchen, along with new countertops, a tile backsplash and fresh paint. At present time, it is absolutely KILLING her that I was able to add a beautiful sunroom on my house because she can’t afford to do the same. Of course that hasn’t stopped her from talking about how she’d do hers better than mine if someone would just give HER some money.
  • She lies about anything, especially stupid stuff. She once told me that I had an allergy to sulfa drugs and that they gave me a rash if I took them. When I mentioned it recently, NM denied ever saying any such thing and claims that it gave me a headache but I didn’t have an allergy to it. Or she’ll always tell me what a good baby I was only to turn around and tell me what a “problematic” child I was, even as a baby. She also lies about bigger stuff. Like, once, I asked her whether or not she’d rejected my dad’s attempt at marital counseling before considering divorce. NM flat out denied that it had ever happened. Problem is, I had her old calendars in which she used to keep a sort of diary. Right there in her own handwriting she’d written that my dad had asked her to go to counseling with him and she’d said no way.
  • Whenever she decides to make time in her busy schedule of shopping, nail and hair appointments to grace ds and I with her presence, we (especially me) are expected to give her our full attention for the entire duration of her visit. If I dare to check my email while she’s here or watch something on tv, I’ll hear for weeks about how I was so “rude”. Then she’ll launch into a tirade about “THAT is why I never come visit you! Because you’re rude and you make me uncomfortable whenever I’m in your house!” Of course, it’s plenty okay for HER to read a book or whatever when she’s here. THAT is okay.
  • Despite the fact that I and her doctors have warned her that she drinks WAY too much tea and that it contributes to her repeatedly getting kidney stones, she refuses to give up her tea. My guess is that she loves the attention she gets from the kidney stones, especially when it results in her having to have surgery to get rid of them. “Poor me. I’m in so much pain and now I have to have surgery AGAIN to get rid of these stupid kidney stones! Oh woe is me! WHY does this keep happening to me???”


  1. I had to stop reading, for now...but this: "Is constantly telling me what I “ought to” do, what I “should do” or what I “need to” do, which, coincidentally, is what SHE thinks I ought, should or need to do." is so relatable for me...and it's not just a suggestion and left alone--it's PUSHED until there's either a stand off (where I was the "Bad guy" for not taking her "Advice" or I gave in to her and told her she was right and followed through...either way, she WON and I lost...and that's no relationship at all)...

    I kind of hope your NM reads through all this...

  2. @ Katie - That's EXACTLY the way it was - push, push, push until I either was forced to fight with her about it or I gave in and relented.

    Even if NM DID read through all this, all she'd do is deny any responsibility. It would be that I'M not 100% blameless either or, "Oh yeah? Well how about ME? You don't think YOU'VE hurt ME??!" or I'd be told about what a problematic daughter I've always been and how it wasn't easy to live with me as justification for why they all HAD to treat me that way.