Friday, September 2, 2011

List of Grievances - Part 4

  • If I’ve ever dared to even HINT that dh and I are short on money – mind you, I’ve never asked her for a DIME – she’s super quick to say “Well don’t ask me cause I don’t have a CENT!” This is sometimes followed by a speech on how she’s done her job of raising NHS and I and how, especially after all the problems I gave her, it’s HER time now. What-ever lady!
  • For my birthday this year (back in 2009), she bought me three things: a rooter (to root plants in), an anklet and a small bag of sea glass. The sea glass was the only thing she bought for ME. The other two things she spent time talking about how much SHE loved them and how lovely they’d look in HER home which is why she thought they’d make the perfect present for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the items, they were pretty, but the fact that she went on and on about how much SHE just LOVED them kind of ruined it for me. I wound up donating the items to charity.
  • She is always complaining about money and lamenting about poor NHS and NBIL who can barely make ends meet. Then she’ll add about how it’s supposedly “easy for you and dh because you have your FIL who’s always giving you guys money”. Umm…NO. Dh and I have money because we’re responsible with what we get and pay off our bills first and then, if we have some left over, we’ll get ourselves each something small that we want. Unlike NM, NHS and NBIL who are all extremely impulsive buyers and spend money like it’s no object.
  • She’s infantile and petty. Once, when I refused to buy a box of teabags for her to use at my house – dh's company had just cut insurance coverage for ds and I and money was VERY tight so I literally didn't have the extra money - she grew very angry and said, in a very p/a way, “Sheesh! You can’t even buy your poor mother a stinking box of teabags! Thanks a lot!” She proceeded to complain about it for hours afterward and actually brought it up in therapy OVER A YEAR LATER as “evidence” of my being a bad daughter and disrespecting her/not caring about her.
  • She doesn’t ask, she TELLS me what she expects me to do. Like when they were getting ready to leave on vacation one time, she called and told me “You’ll need to come out here at least every other day to make sure the bird has plenty of food and water.” When I told her I couldn’t do it and could MAYBE come out there only one day that week, NM grew angry and said “Thanks a lot! Now what am I supposed to do? I hope I don’t come home to find the poor bird DEAD because you couldn’t bother yourself to come and take care of him!”. Clearly, how DARE I presume to have my own life and not jump when she yells!
  • She is NEVER wrong about ANYTHING! Usually I get told that I’M the one causing her to act badly toward me, because I’m so dramatic or because I’m such a problem or too sensitive. The few times she has apologized were always non-apologies – “Well, I’m sorry if I did that but I have no recollection of anything like that.” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke. You’re over-reacting and being too sensitive.”
  • Plays my NHS and I off of each other. She’ll gossip viciously to my NHS about me and then, when NHS cuts me off, NM will whine to me about how it’s so hard that the family can’t even be together because of all this “silliness” between my NHS and me and why can’t I just try talking to her and work something out?
  • Will tell me she needs me to go with her to XY event or that she needs help with XYZ and I generally will help her out because I'm a good person and enjoy helping people. However, the favor is RARELY returned. When she DOES offer to return the favor, it's never really help. NM's idea of "help" involves her coming over here and parking her butt on my couch all day. I guess her mere presence in my home is supposed to make me feel better so that I can do it all myself?
  • (March2009) Came into my home and told me some very disturbing things about my step-nephew. Apparently the child (who was 14 at the time) had been exhibiting some disturbing sexual behaviors such as masturbating in front of others and supposedly was trying to teach my niece and nephew how to do it as well. When I reacted normally and became concerned, NM called and left very nasty phone messages on my voice mail instructing me to back off and “leave it alone”, claiming it was “being handled” and wasn’t any of my business. She even went so far as to threaten me by telling me that BIL’s ex’s family “didn’t take kindly” to people talking badly about their family!
  • When her threats didn’t work, NM took to calling up my aunt and grandmother and began a smear campaign to turn them against me and make ME out to be the bad guy. She continues to make herself out to be the martyr and victim in everything and is no longer speaking to me (despite the fact that I’M the one who cut HER off) because “she doesn’t know what to say that won’t make it worse”. (This was first period of NC that lasted 10 weeks.) This has resulted in a few family members contacting me and telling me about how I need to stop “hurting my mother” because it’s “not fair” to her. *cue eyeroll*
  • (Thanksgiving 2009) NM had been pestering me for almost two weeks, whining about how she would be “all alone” over the holidays. Ever the good little doormat then, I assured her numerous times that we – dh, ds and I – would be there for both Thanksgiving and Xmas. NHS and I were no longer speaking (Thank GOD!) at that time and, in an effort to exclude me, she and NBIL had invited NM and NSJ to THEIR house for Thanksgiving saying that they planned to host that year. The understanding was that I, of course, was NOT welcome in their home. Imagine my surprise to hear NM say that she had accepted their offer!
  • Later, when the Thanksgiving festivities were moved to NM's house (due to her having more room), I was stunned to hear from NM's own mouth that I was STILL not invited because NHS and NBIL would refuse to come and then how would it look for poor NM?! But never fear! NM told me I could still come by and “surprise” everyone and that, if I chose to do so, she wouldn't stop me or say anything. Of course, the unspoken part was that she would play dumb and claim she hadn't had any idea I'd be there so that I would be the bad guy yet again.
  • When I was understandably upset re: Thanksgiving – though NM claimed to have NO idea WHY, since SHE hadn't done anything wrong! - NM offered me the “consolation prize” of getting first pick of which day I wanted to visit her over Xmas, Xmas Eve or Xmas Day. Lucky me! NOT.
  • Despite being coldly excluded from Thanksgiving, I decided to be the bigger person and invited NM and NSJ into my home for Xmas Eve. My only request was that NSJ NOT be drunk upon arriving and that they both NOT bring alcohol over as no one else that would be here drank and I didn't want NSJ to once again ruin yet another family holiday with his alcoholism. Well, of course, NM and NSJ show up with an entire case of beer in tow. Their excuse, that they thought someone else might want one. (They KNEW damn well no one else that was going to be here drinks, especially beer.) Previous to the night, NM had asked if she could bring anything. I said a veggie dip would be great and I'd cut up a bunch of veggies to go with it. NM showed up with a shrimp and onion CHEESE BALL (Did I mention I'm lactose intolerant and can't eat dairy and that I hate shrimp? Oh and dh hates onions.) and a gazillion bread sticks. So I had an entire thing of veggies that went uneaten thanks go NM's “generosity”.
  • NSJ kept pestering everyone to have a beer, including me who he knows very well doesn't drink. When I said, “No thank you. I don't drink.” his response was, “Why not? You know, maybe that's your problem.” !!! NM spent the majority of the night telling over and over her trials and tribulations of being married to my evil father, how he “beat” her and cheated on her, etc. People kept walking away only to find themselves being followed around the house by NM as she continued her tales of woe. When dh turned on the tv show “Cheaters” to try and drone NM out, it only served to spur her on and she began furiously venting about how my dad had cheated on her and how “devastated” she'd been, etc. a) I had asker her NUMEROUS times NOT to talk about my dad around me, b) I had asked her not to badmouth my dad in front of ds especially (ds was in the next room and could likely hear all that was said had he been listening) and c) an Xmas party is NOT the time to talk about such things! When I politely asked her to SHUT UP, she was all “Oh who cares? I'm just talking about it!”. Did nothing to stop her.
  • For Xmas that year, dh and I had gotten everyone a charity donation in their name as Xmas gifts, with the sole exception of my IL's whom had requested a Snuggie each. A couple days after the party on Xmas Eve, NM sent me a very cold, nasty email saying how DARE I deliberately try and disrespect and EMBARRASS her with my gift of a charity donation in her name and how she would NEVER not buy HER mother at least a small gift! She went on to claim that I hadn't gotten her a Mother's Day or Xmas gift in YEARS. NOT true, of course. Yes, there had been times when a gift just wasn't possible due to financial reasons but I at least got her a card and I ALWAYS remembered to call her and/or go visit. The straw that broke the camel's back for me though was when she dared to tell me that, from there on out, I WOULD honor my abusive step-pig (the man who TERRORIZED and ABUSED me for nearly 33 years of my life at that point) with a gift on ALL gift-giving occasions! As if! Can you imagine the gall?!!!!
  • For YEARS, I have bent over backward to try and find just the right gift for NM on gift-giving holidays only to have her show little to no enthusiasm each time. Worse, when NM would hear about money we'd gotten, such as settlement monies for an accident we were in, she'd make a comment that, “OH, good! NOW you can get me a GOOD gift!” Yet I'm supposed to go out of my way to buy gifts for the ungrateful bitch??
  • Just before going NC, NM sat in my living room on January 8th of 2010. This was a “her one last chance” sort of thing. I had already pretty much decided to go NC but dh had talked me into giving it one more chance and trying to talk it out with him as mediator. NM spent the entire time asking “But WHY can't I take ds out by myself or to my house for a few hours?” despite us having told her time and time again that we didn't want ds around NSJ and that it was her own fault for having abused the privilege by repeatedly disregarding our wishes on how we chose to raise OUR son. NM also sat there and blame ME and my father for all my problems, saying that she had NEVER done ANYTHING remotely wrong as a mother aside from allowing ME to abuse and disrespect HER. It wasn't until she dared have the gall to say that NSJ would NEVER hurt a child however that I had had enough and told her I was done and it was time for her go.
  • During period of no contact, NM – along with NHS and NSJ – embarked on a massive smear campaign and attempted to turn my friends and extended family against me. She tried to interfere by appealing to my IL's – as if they were going to side with her over me. When that backfired on her, she took to smearing them as well. She talked trash about me to anyone who would listen – old friends she'd run into, old acquaintances, my chiropractor, my hairdresser (who works with her hairdresser), etc. She actually succeeded in turning most of my extended FOO against me, save for my aunt N who continues to be objective and sees through my NM's bullshit.
  • During NC, NM completely ignored that I existed anymore with the exception of her vicious smear campaign. There were no letters, emails, birthday cards, etc. Instead, she focused her attentions on my ds, sending him gifts and cards, etc. a few times a year, as if that was going to make her GM of the year in his eyes.
  • During period of NC, NM happened to run into my MIL and SIL at the local grocery store. DS happened to be visiting MIL that day and so was with them. NM made a HUGE scene, according to MIL and SIL, by running up to ds and throwing her arms around him and crying while saying stuff like, “Oh my gosh! Hi big boy! I've missed you SO MUCH!!!” According to NM – as was heard back through the grapevine and reported back to me via extended FOO – ds threw his arms around her and practically cried himself he was so happy to see her. NM made out like it was something out of a Lifetime movie special. Turns out, NM was the only one elated to see anyone, ds couldn't have cared less and actually moved AWAY from NM apparently. Then, when they were all back in the car, MIL asked ds if he knew who that lady was and ds said NO!
  • After going NC, NM had contacted dh to ask for some things back I had of hers. Dh set up a time to drop the stuff off and, while there, asked for a bunch of my stuff back that NM had borrowed. NM said dh would have to come back and called at a later date to tell him when to come. Dh showed up to find no one home and a box with my stuff on the front porch. Several of the items were expensive stuff, such as copper cookware, that could have been ruined/stolen. Clearly, NM didn't care. Upon getting home and looking through my stuff, I noticed several things had not been returned, like a set of copper frying pans and my belly dance hip scarf that NM had been coveting since I bought it. (She claimed I'd “stolen” it out from under her as I had bought the one SHE liked.)
  • Sometime around the end of July/early August 2011, I was online when an IM from NM popped up saying hi. Against my better judgment, I responded and have regretted it ever since. I have done all I can to try and discuss things with NM, important things that need to be discussed if we were to try and work on our relationship only to have her blow me off, make excuses and refuse to accept ANY responsibility whatsoever. She kept saying things like, “Well you can't expect me to be perfect, you know.” and “You know, you're not 100% blameless either.” When I saw her running away with the whole conversation, I made sure to make it clear that I was NOT ready to see her in person yet or even talk with her on the phone. Her response? That SHE wasn't ready to see ME either as she'd been “deeply hurt” by the whole “incident”. (cue eye roll)
  • After only speaking maybe 5 times via IM and email, NM actually sent me an email requesting to see ds. Of course, she worded it as saying how she wanted ds to know and love her and wanted a relationship with him and what could WE do to rectify the situation, as if we have EVER worked together on anything previous. Forget the fact that ds is now 5 years of age and currently has little idea who NM is or that NM was willing to walk out of ds' life for nearly 2 years simply because she couldn't have everything the way SHE wanted it. NM and I hadn't spoken for nearly 2 YEARS and had only had maybe FIVE IM/email convos at that point and yet she thought it appropriate to ask to visit with my SON??! When I told her it wasn't going to happen, NM proceeded to give me the silent treatment for two weeks as “punishment” because she didn't like my answer.


  1. oh my goodness, wow.
    thanks for sharing!

  2. @ Lisa - LOL I've been waiting for you to comment. If you hated my NM before, you're REALLY not gonna be happy with her now after reading all of these! ;o)

  3. This looks a lot like the list I made about NMIL and EFIL. It REALLY makes a powerful statement to see things in a list form. You just can't deny what kind of people they are when it's all written out so clearly like this. I go back and re-read mine every once in a while, just because it great proof of why we have done the things we've done.

  4. Ugh. These lists are always so horrible to write, such a painful experience, but they are SO valuable because they validate it all in black and white. Plus, you always have a resource to run back to and read in those weird moments when you think, "Wait, did this happen? Could it really have been this bad?"

    I'm always re-reading my list, just like Jonsi mentioned.

    And ugh. So sorry that you're part of the ACoN brigade, but keep steadfast in your truth campaign!

  5. My counselors call these lists surveying the damage. He explained that it is important to know where to repair the damage. I complained once that I seemed to be going over some of the same ground. His reply soothed me, "You were attacked from so many angles, it will take time to sort it all out." I finally stopped making lists after a couple of years. I do like Gibson's idea about finally accepting that some people are grizzly bears. Thanks Kiki for sharing that idea.

  6. hey doll i never liked your mum! before or after! this list don't change it. except now i know how annoying she is.
    i stopped making a list once i realized i couldn't fit an infinite number of things on it. once you've been burned once, you've been burned a billion.

  7. She sounds so much like my own NM. I had written down a list of the craziness myself and had never posted it to my blog, but reading yours helped me work up the guts. I had started writing a while back and put it aside, but it's time to get back to it. It's sad that my mother and your mother never met, yet they are just alike. Coincidence? We know better. But they are, in a way, Siamese twins, joined at their matching personality disorders.