Monday, September 26, 2011

Feeling hurt and betrayed yet again...

Was talking with my aunt N yesterday via email and inquired if my GM was okay. I was mildly concerned as I hadn't heard from her in quite some time and she would usually email me every couple weeks or so. I'd seen her on FB here and there so I knew she was still alive and well. I just wondered why I hadn't heard from her. The last time we'd chatted via email was back when I'd first received my diagnosis of PTSD. I'd emailed her to say hello and casually mentioned near the end of the email about the new diagnosis and jokingly said that obviously things weren't quite so rosy growing up as NM and NHS would like everyone to think. When I didn't hear anything in response from my GM, I figured she was pissed that I'd made the comment about NM and was going to give me the silent treatment temporarily or whatever. (Though with GM it's always less of an intentional silent treatment than it is that she withdraws rather than just come out and say some one's upset her.)

So while chatting with my aunt N back and forth yesterday via email, I inquired how GM was doing, if aunt N had heard from her, etc. and mentioned my suspicions that GM might be upset regarding the PTSD comments. Aunt N responded that GM apparently feels I'm lying about having PTSD because, in her words, it's "just not possible" given that "only men in war zones get that". Aunt N, ever ready to defend me, told GM that wasn't true and that perhaps GM should google PTSD and she'd find out that anyone who's suffered a major trauma can get it.

Apparently there was some talk after that with aunt N telling GM that she does NM no good service by constantly enabling her, GM worrying that she was a "bad mother" because NM turned out the way she did, aunt N reassuring GM that she did the best she could and was a good mother and that NM's problems are either a result of her own choices and actions and/or just fate that she has the issues she does. GM grew increasingly frustrated (as she doesn't like anyone saying anything wrong about NM) and finally said, with regards to me, that "some people just need to get over it already and put it in the past where it belongs", or something along those lines.

When aunt N continued to stand up for me and place the blame on NM, GM defended NM by saying that NM was very sick and almost died as a child, blah blah. (Poor NM. Let's never hold her responsible for her bad behavior because she almost died as a child and therefore deserves a lifetime get out of responsibility free card. *rolling eyes*) Aunt N, ever quick on her toes, then said to GM, "So which is it mom? Does stuff that happens as a child affect the person as an adult or doesn't it? Why should it be a valid excuse for (NM's name) but not for DA?" At that point GM grumbled under her breath but agreed to butt out and not badmouth me with NM. I don't believe for a second she'll adhere to that promise but, whatever.

I'm torn in how I feel about finding this out. On the one hand, I'm really, really angry. Why in the hell is it always so easy to find fault with ME while everyone else seems to get a free pass? On the other hand, it hurts to once again be the fall guy and be accused of lying. Like I'm just some hateful little spoiled brat who gets her jollies out of badmouthing my poor, innocent "almost died as a child" mother. Like admitting to having mental/emotional issues is easy or fun or something to brag about. Are they kidding me??

And, honestly, the next person who says to me, "Just put it out of your mind and get over it already." is going to get a punch in the face. Seriously. I am beyond sick of this worthless "advice". Honestly, if it was that freaking easy, do they not think I'd have DONE that by now? Yes, like I just ENJOY living like this every day. Like I enjoy missing out on family events with my dh and ds because of my agoraphobia. Like I enjoy having to tell my son all the time, "No. I'm sorry baby but mommy can't go to the park today because her tummy hurts." Do they honestly believe I LIKE to live in this hell every day of my life??!! And, if not, then how DARE they just dismiss me by telling me to just "get over it already"!

I'm so sick of being this family's scapegoat.


  1. You said it, DA! And you said it well! "She's doing the best she knows how." So you're saying that I'm not? Her poor behavior is excusable, but I'm expected to be perfect. And yes, I would love to "GET OVER IT!" Years and three counselors later and I'm doing better, but nowhere near over it. Because of what happened to me, I made decisions and followed paths I never would have if I'd grown up in a healthy environment. I am where I am because of what happened. And a day doesn't go by that I don't try to change for the healthier. Keep fighting for you, DA! You are worth it.

  2. I can really relate to your post, DA. I also had someone in my life scoff at me when hearing about my PTSD diagnosis, saying sarcastically, "I didn't know you were in a war." It's such a close minded, uninformed view.

    Similar to your case, my NM and NS excuse the way they are based on the life they had as children but never once afforded me the same opportunity. I cannot count the times they have told me I'm too sensitive and I need to just grow up and get over it, to not hold on to the past.

    I'm so sorry for the great pain your family has caused you. You don't deserve it. The fact that this is so maddening to you is a testament to your good mental health. You recognize how sick and twisted it is.

  3. PTSD is one tough thing to live with. It is also very misunderstood. I was in the hospital and put it on my card for other things to take note of. A nurse woke me up by touching me. After they pulled me off the ceiling she asked me what was wrong. I told her it was on my card. She stammered, "you mean now." If I wasn't worried that she would wrap me in a white coat I would have burst out laughing hysterically. It doesn't go away. I explain to people that it is like diabetes. I can control it but I don't "get over it." Part of the reason I started my blog was to educate people. And next time someone asks me about my childhood, "I was raised in a asylum and PTSD was my best chance at survival." Keep taking your life back one baby step at a time.

  4. I couldn't help but feel envious that your aunt defended you. My aunt told me that "she's your mother & she loves you & you should make nice" song -- this despite that my NM (& EF) constantly badmouth my aunt. Well, not that my aunt knows the horrible things my parents say about her because iveoukd never hurt my aunt by relaying those judgments.

    It's been helpful to me to read your struggles. Thank you for sharing it. I'm tired of feeling crazy and like my existence pains my FOO because I cannot do the perfect daughter dance.