Had to share...

Am currently reading the book "HOMECOMING: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" by John Bradshaw. I'm about a quarter of the way through so far and, I have to say, this is turning out to be a REALLY good book.

I came upon a poem last night as I was reading that blew me away. Never before have I come across something that so accurately puts into words all that goes on in the mind and spirit of those of us who've grown up in an abusive, dysfunctional family. To me, it was like someone had looked into my soul and expressed in words what they found there. Anyways, I wanted to share it here with all of you now.

**NOTE: Some may find the poem triggering. Also, be aware that the poem contains some very offensive language in a couple parts.**

My Name Is Toxic Shame

I was there at your conception

In the epinephrine of your mother's shame

You felt me in the fluid of your mother's womb

I came upon you before you could speak

Before you understood

Before you had any way of knowing

I came upon you when you were learning to walk

When you were unprotected and exposed

When you were vulnerable and needy

Before you had any boundaries

I came upon you when you were magical

Before you could know I was there

I severed your soul

I pierced you to the core

I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective

I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt,

    worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness

I made you feel different

I told you there was something wrong with you

I soiled your Godlikeness

I existed before conscience

Before guilt

Before morality

I am the master emotion

I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation

I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any

    mental preparation

I live in secrecy

In the deep moist banks of darkness

    depression and despair

Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through

    the back door

Uninvited unwanted

The first to arrive

I was there at the beginning of time

With Father Adam, Mother Eve

Brother Cain

I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse

    neglect -- perfectionistic systems

I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage

The cruel remarks of siblings

The jeering humiliation of other children

The awkward reflection in the mirrors

The touch that feels icky and frightening

The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust

I am intensified by

A racist, sexist culture

The righteous condemnation of religious bigots

The fears and pressures of schooling

The hypocrisy of politicians

The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional

    family systems

I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black person,

a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into

A bitch, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, 

a selfish little bastard

I bring a pain that is chronic

A pain that will not go away

I am the hunter that stalks you night and day

Every day everywhere

I have no boundaries

You try to hide from me

But you cannot

Because I live inside of you

I make you feel hopeless

Like there is no way out

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others

    through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame,

    envy, judgment, power and rage.

My pain is so intense

You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment,

    and unconscious ego defenses.

My pain is so intense

That you must numb out and no longer feel me.

I convinced you that I am gone -- that I do not exist -- you

    experience absence and emptiness.

I am the core of co-dependency

I am spiritual bankruptcy

The logic of absurdity

The repetition compulsion

I am crime, violence, incest, rape

I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions

I am insatiability and lust

I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner's Flying Dutchman,

    Dostoyevski's underground man, Kierkegaard's seducer, Goethe's

    Faust

I twist who you are into what you do and have

I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME.