This time she writes:
So, the big aha moment for me is realising this whole journey and experience is about love.
The betrayal by NM and others is their refusal or inability to love us and also to receive our love. When they reject our love it is a rejection of our self and that is all we are and all we have. No wonder it hurts so much. Our core is wounded by the rejection and refusal.
The abuse we experienced was an abuse of our love and support. What a betrayal!
NMs fail in their duty as mothers and parents and their manipulations and projections are designed to hide this truth from us and others and maintain control of our emotions so they can continue to drain the love (LIFE) out of us. They are willing to sacrifice us to save themselves.
Our struggle with the idea of NC is that it means we have to make a decision to withold/stop giving and showing our love to them and this feels wrong to a healthy loving adult. We know subconsciously that we are being forced to respond in a way that is not in line with our integrity or wish to give and receive love. Nevertheless it is a decision we are compelled to make unless we ultimately decide to continue to sacrifice our lives to "save" them. The vampiric mother is draining our love which is our life blood and this weakens us.
To remain in contact with an NM means you will be drained of love. Even if you have your own sources of healthy love such as a loving partner, family of your own and friends you will forced to use that love energy to feed the insatiable appetite of the NM instead of using it to support yourself and to build reserves for lifes struggles!
Until I started recovery I had struggled all my life in relationships continually choosing people who are either unwilling or unable to give love. Some even faked it enough to reel me and then start the abuse. Sometimes those people used love as a bait and then a weapon. I took it on as some kind of challenge thinking if I can win their love I will find the missing key that will unlock the love from NM.
This also extended to choosing careers that I didnt love and had to struggle to fight my real feelings to be successful. No wonder I became drained and exhausted.
How do you know what to look for when you dont know what love feels like and only have an unhealthy (internal) model of love to compare it with?:
I was betraying myself. I was not shown love by NM and therefore, had no internal model for how to love myself. I only knew how to neglect, ignore, discount, undermine and abuse myself. That is the real reason I have attracted negative people and situations where I struggled into my life.
The more I experienced rejection of love and betrayal the more I turned away from love and the fear of wanting it and reaching out for it grew. What a muddle! Do I reach for the carrot and risk getting whacked by the stick? Or do I pretend I dont like carrots?
To live without the love of humans is excruciating. Thank heavens I have experienced unconditional love from my pets because at least I know what it feels like.
Love is a choice and having denied myself opportunities for real and healthy and lasting love I want to ensure I do not waste the rest of my life. How sad that it has taken 50 years! No wonder so much of my recovery has been grief work - mourning all the losses!
I choose to love myself in a healthy non Narc way and I will not give up the notion that there are people out there who will love me for who I am and not what they want me to be/do. Instead of searching desperately for loving people I will relax and let them find me. Just as my recovery lead to me this forum and a wonderful and precious group of ladies who really do feel like family to me.
Finding this information has been like exorcising ghosts from my house. I feel like a dark cloud has been lifted and that my life really will be different from now on.
I hope in sharing my findings and thoughts other DOMNs will experience moments of revelation that will truly set them free from the torment of having an NM.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
This is amazing, and spot on. I could have written most of this. The only difference is that I've been forced to remain in contact, but I'm learning to create and maintain healthy boundaries while living in the house of my NM and EF. That being said, it's a completely different feeling here, when they go on vacation. Thanks again for sharing this! (I'll reference this in tomorrow's post, as well, at The Project by Judy.)
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