Ugh...

I don't even CARE if NM is lurking at this point, I gotta vent. I feel like I'm losing that stability and peace that I'd worked so hard for this past 19 months. I'm hating myself that NM still has this hold over me and am kicking myself for thinking that maybe, just maybe, things would be different this time. I thought I'd finally gotten past that ridiculous hope and accepted that NM was damaged goods, that she'd never give me what I want and need from her, and I think I HAVE accepted it in my mind. But, sadly, my heart is another thing entirely and it is breaking once again at being rejected and punished for not doing anything wrong.


I know now 100% that it was a huge mistake to reconnect with NM. I wish, looking back, that I'd ignored her IM that day and continued with my NC. Those first few moment of speaking with her felt good but all that has come with it most definitely does NOT feel good. Not even close.


I'd been doing so well with NC. It was hard at times, sure, and there were sad times for what might have been under different circumstances but I felt HAPPY for the first time in my life. I knew what peace and contentment felt like. I looked forward to the day upon waking in the mornings. And now I feel like I've fallen backward off of a cliff and am plummeting toward that dark abyss once again.


Actually, to be honest, it doesn't feel as dark and overwhelming as it did previously so I HAVE made SOME progress obviously, but I still feel like I've taken several steps backward. My anxiety had been way down, my insomnia was finally mostly cleared up, I had very few nightmares and I just woke up feeling happy and peaceful every day. Best of all, my relationships with my dh and ds had improved greatly as I was no longer the impatient, sniping bitch that I was when NM was in my life.


These past few weeks, especially this last week, my insomnia is back with a vengeance, my nightmares are back, my anxiety is through the roof (though my panic attacks haven't come back as bad as they used to be). I wake up depressed instead of looking forward to the day and, worst of all, I can feel myself being all tense and impatient and have noticed myself sniping here and there again with my dh and ds. Dh is one thing, not that it's okay but he's an adult and can understand somewhat where I'm coming from and not internalize it so much. But my sweet ds, it absolutely KILLS me every time I yell or even just raise my voice at him a little and I see that sweet, precious face fall. Makes me feel like a giant ball of shit.


My biggest fear is that long-term damage will be done to ds. I would just DIE if I thought that he would grow up feeling the way I felt, like his mommy didn't love him and didn't care about him, wondering why he could never measure up or do the right thing, why nothing he said or did was ever good enough and felt like a small, stupid burden, unworthy of love and respect. I would truly shrivel up and die if I were the cause of that pain in him.


To try and compensate, whenever I catch myself yelling, I immediately apologize to him and tell him that I'm not mad at him, that mommy's just in a bad mood and irritable and that I love him so, so much - more than anything else in the entire world - and tell him what a GOOD boy he is and how PROUD I am of him and of being his mommy and how I will love him forever and always, no matter what. My T says this will go a long way toward staving off any lasting damage being done to ds. Still, I worry.


In speaking to dh yesterday, even he has said it's time to "shut it back down" with NM and I agree completely. I know it has to be done. In fact, I'm looking FORWARD to going back to the peace and tranquility of NC. Still....it's a little harder this time round because this time I know it's forever. I'll never hug my NM again, never hang out or visit with her, there will be no holidays spent together, no talks shared between us. The next time I see her, it will likely be her picture in the paper next to her obituary. That just hurts. It really, really hurts.