Friday, August 19, 2011

Back to feeling confused about what to do...

So, no word from NM for about two weeks (save for those two email forwards) and then yesterday, I got some IM's from her. The way our computer is, we usually have multiple tabs up at any given time and then just leave it on when we're not using it. Hence, it may appear that I am online when I'm really not. That was the situation yesterday with NM, it looked to her like I was online in my email but I wasn't. Thinking I was online, she sent the following IM's:

Aug 18 4:25 PM
NM:  Hi-I thought that you might have left town and not told me! Where you been?
Aug 18 4:30 PM
NM:  Did you write anything yet? Went over to another page and my note was erased?
Aug 18 4:32 PM
NM: that way-gotta take (the dog) out anyway! XX
Aug 18 6:01 PM
NM:  Are you going to talk to me this time-hmmm?

To outsiders, I'm sure it would appear that she was just joking around with me and wasn't the least bit upset or whatever and I'm sure NM would see it the same way. However, to me, the comments come across as very passive-aggressive. Basically, she didn't like my response to her last email telling her she couldn't see ds anytime soon so she "punished" me by not speaking to me for two weeks and, now that she's over it, suddenly she's IM'ing me and stuff again acting like everything is peachy keen only she's pissed that I wasn't sitting at my computer awaiting her to message me so I could respond immediately.

I also got this in my email inbox earlier:

Hi!  Just a short note to find out if you are still amongst the living.  I was online yesterday around the same time as you, and started to write, but got no answer.  Hope everything is well with you and that ds is okay.  How's the dog doing?
Hope to talk to ya soon.  Love you XX
p.s.  How's the business coming along?

A couple things irk me about her message. 1) Funny how she's supposedly SO concerned with how ds is doing and his welfare yet she was willing to walk away out of his life simply because she couldn't have everything go exactly the way SHE wanted it. 2) What's all this sudden interest in my business? Every time I talk to her recently, she's asking how my business is doing. I sincerely doubt she actually cares one way or the other and, to be honest, her comments always ring fake to me.

On one hand, I long for the peace and solitude of NC again. I really don't feel like responding or having anything to do with NM at this time. But if the past was any indication, what happens when a few weeks or months from now I again feel like I want to contact NM and see how she's doing? Forget that NM is a bitch and/or what she deserves - I don't want to be the sort of person to jerk another person around and it just plain old wouldn't be right to keep going back and forth like that. Hence my problem.

I honestly don't know what to do. One second, I want to go back to NC only to have that turn into feelings of I don't know and then that turns into I want to stay extreme LC and on an don. That is compounded by the fact that I am totally unsure if NC is the correct way to go since I feel fairly sure that I will want to contact her again at some point in the future and, if I go back to NC, that will close that door permanently. Dh suggested I just write to NM and tell her that it's not her, it's me - though he did suggest using a bit different wording. That way, the door would be left unlocked should I choose to open it again in the future.

There's also a part of me that wants to be completely honest with NM and lay my feelings all out on the table. I guess what I'd hope to accomplish by doing that is for HER to reject ME and cut ME off first. (How screwed up is that??!! Like I haven't suffered enough rejection and pain at this point??) Then I could walk away saying, "Well, I did all I could" and not have any residual guilt. 

Of course there's also two smaller parts of me - one that wants to stick it to NM and hurt her, even if just a little, as repayment for all the hell she's put me through and one that longs for a close, loving relationship with my NM.

Maybe the best thing would be to hold off making any decisions until I've had a chance to speak to my T again. But that might take a couple weeks to get an appointment and then what do I do about NM? If I continue not responding, she's going to take it that I've cut her off and gone NC again and that will bring up all sorts of drama again with the extended FOO that I really don't need in my life right now.

*disgusted sigh* Why, oh WHY can't these situations be easier? Why does it always seem to be an uphill battle? Is it just a life filled with an unusual amount of bad luck or is it the legacy of a DoNM?


  1. no i don't think she sounds normal. i think she sounds like a retarded obnoxious five year old. what is she, five.
    you aren't yanking her around. SHE's the one yanking YOU around. and if you want to go NC now i think that's fine. you have every right to contact her when you want to and not contact her when you don't, you are the GOOD person. she isn't going to get any less bitchy either way and you can do as you please whenever you please cause it's up to you and you deserve it. she's a horrible person, really.

  2. You're right: The behavior is passive-aggressive. My NM did it to me, complaining to everyone she knew that I ignored her, when the truth was that she didn't hear my responses. She needed hearing aids.

    And it's the ugly legacy of being an ACoN. That being said, you survived growing up in it, without becoming a narc yourself, so you'll figure this out, too. I'm praying for you.

  3. DA you have come a long way. You recognized her passive-aggressive behavior and didn't go along with it. Only thing I could think of is responding to the actual question. "I stepped a way from the computer and didn't see you messages." Just one possibility. No apology - you don't owe her one. No trying to make amends - you did nothing wrong. No trying to help her feel better - you can't. She is determined to feel what she feels no matter what. Or you can choose not to respond at all that works too. You can decide on 2 choices. Flip a coin and if you don't like the answer then you know you want to do the other one. I agree with Judy. You can work this through.
    Take care,