Am starting to get a little pissed. She sent her email around noon Friday asking what "we" could do about the situation with ds, basically asking if she could visit with him, and I responded at around 3pm telling her I wasn't comfortable with her seeing ds at this time, that she could send him a card or whatever and I could see if ds was willing to send her a short note back but, beyond that, it wasn't going to happen, especially given that she and I have only spoken 4 to 5 times via email and IM after nearly two years of no contact whatsoever.
As of now, I haven't gotten a response and, of course, my first inclination is to assume that NM was pissed that she didn't get the response she wanted and so is "punishing" me by giving me the silent treatment for a couple days before she responds. I'm inclined to think that her eventual response will go something along the lines of, "How much longer are you going to keep this up? I'd thought we'd been making some progress finally in our recent conversations only to find out now that we're right back where we started with you keeping ds from me." Granted, it won't be worded exactly like that but that's the basic gist of what I'm expecting.
Wish she'd just send it and get it over with already. I hate this waiting game.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Yuck. This sounds VERY familiar.
ReplyDeleteAny chance she just won't respond at all? NMIL has done that so many times...when she doesn't like something DH has said, or some criticism he's made...she just ignores it...forever.
It's both disappointing and obnoxious.
I'm sorry she's making you wait (and that even in the event that she responds, it will probably be something ugly.)
Honestly, either she was busy (which happens) or she's playing a game.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to take your reaction and emotions out of the anticipation of the response--because it shows how much power over you she still has.
If she's not going to respond in a timely manner, you can either make yourself crazy over it (most likely, what she wants) or you can separate yourself from it and not let her ruin your time (amazing how she's taking back time from you and not even around you). It's hard to separate yourself from it and be "medium chill" about the whole thing, but, if she can toy with you this easily, maybe it isn't the best time to be reconnecting with her and/or you need to have clear boundaries with her (like, expectations of communications and tangible consequences for not respecting your limits/boundaries regarding that). A simple, "I have the expectation that if this is important to you, you would have emailed me back by now. Since you haven't, I'm going to put this on the 'back burner' and not even think about this or consider this for the next two weeks. My life (and my family's life) continues with or without you. I will not play a waiting game with you. If you really care about this and me, you would have already responded. If you change your mind and are wanting to address this with me and have a conversation with me, I'd be willing to talk about it with you through email in two weeks (on xyz date). I will not be reading or answer emails from you until then."
Wow. I agree with Katie, one hundred percent. Well said!
ReplyDeleteIn particular, I think it is key that you try to lessen your emotions in anticipation of the response. (I know, much easier said than done.) But it makes sense...if you're mother had any idea how much it's getting to you, she'll just keep doing whatever the behavior is that is eliciting that sort of response.
I also like what Katie said about having high expectations when it comes to communicating with your mother. It's true that you'll be disappointed if you set your expectations high and she doesn't meet them...but I think it's better than setting them super low and getting walked all over and abused.
It's just not right, plain and simple, that your mother is choosing to ignore your email, or even put off responding as long as she has.
Seriously, I've seen NMIL do the exact same thing - there were so many times when DH would email her to ask some questions, or call her and leave a voicemail about something. And if it wasn't something she felt like addressing, she just never addressed it. And if it was a criticism or something...forget it! Never heard one peep out of her.
That's just wrong. No matter how you slice it. And there is no way you should have to put your life on hold, or have to explain that to your NM. I'm betting she knows exactly what she's doing...and she's doing it to get a rise out of you (on top of not liking whatever your message was to begin with.)
Eesh.
Also - I love what Katie said about confronting your mother. I find it so important to confront her for her behaviors. So many times, Narcs get away with their behavior because you (in general, not you specifically) let them.
PS I can totally relate to these feelings, by the way...I've been there--TOTALLY! Hang in there! I'm sorry you're having to go through this!
ReplyDeleteBoth Katie and Jonsi have good ideas. I work with a person that uses this type of tactic. I decided to learn how to take the stress out of waiting. For me, I start imagining what type of music would be playing if I was in a game show. Would it be the dramatic haunting tune of "Jaws" or something from Munchkins land of Oz? The exercise helps diffuse the tension I am feeling. In this situation, imagining squeaky little voices singing about lollipops would soon have me chuckling and finding something else to do. The dramatic pause looses it punch with laughter. I am not making light of the concerns you have for interaction with your NM. I just found a way to make light of the dramatic wait my NM likes to create for me. Keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteUgh! I typed up a big long reply but blogger ate it. Now it's midnight and I need to get up early tomorrow morning. Here's a less than brilliant regurgitation of my earlier reply:
ReplyDeleteThis post sounds exactly like where I was a year ago with my mother (June 18th, 2010, to be exact if you want to read my post from then). Your mother's lack of response is designed to trigger an emotional response in you. You're in trouble and she wants you to feel the heat. She is probably telling herself she's taking the noble route by not responding because she doesn't want to blow-up on you. Well, my mother did respond to an e-mail almost identical to yours, and it was sheer manipulation, defiance and denial. She pulled all the strings she knew how to pull. I wrote her back with very explicit instructions as to what was needed to repair the relationship. I was very specific about what kind of apology I needed from her. What did she do? She drove an hour and a half to my house just to tell me she didn't feel she had anything to apologize for. That's how fragile her ego is.
Fragile ego, you ask? Yes, that's exactly what it is. All narcissistic behavior (even malignant narcissism) is really a symptom of deep insecurity. My mother's greatest fear in life is that she is not worthy of being loved. She projects this fear onto me and tries to make me feel like I am not worthy of being her daughter, i.e. I am not good enough to love her or be loved by her. As we learn in junior high, it is easier to reject someone before you are rejected by them. Violent outbursts are a justifiable punishment because I made her feel something unpleasant. For me, it helps to understand the psychological drivers behind my mother's behavior. That's not to say I take the sympathetic route. I just feel better knowing her behavior has nothing to do with me. I release myself from blame.
Your mother's lack of response says nothing about your worthiness of a response. You deserve a response. You're not going to get one because your mother is an insecure coward. To admit any fault in the relationship would be devastating, so she must continue to deflect. Don't back down. Sorry you, the child, have to go through this with her, the parent. People must be allowed to feel the natural consequences of their behavior, though. Hold her accountable. CO until you get a response.
*CLAPS!!!*
ReplyDelete"Your mother's lack of response says nothing about your worthiness of a response. You deserve a response. You're not going to get one because your mother is an insecure coward. To admit any fault in the relationship would be devastating, so she must continue to deflect. Don't back down. Sorry you, the child, have to go through this with her, the parent. People must be allowed to feel the natural consequences of their behavior, though. Hold her accountable."
THIS *IS* brilliant! What a thoughtful, wise response, Motherless Child! :)
Ruth - my mother has given me similar advice about what to do when dealing with Narcs. She said, "laugh! You just have to laugh at how absurd their behaviors are."
ReplyDelete