There are several parts to what I'm feeling. I'll try to list them all here but I may ramble a bit.
Part of me feels stuck now because, since I'm not 100% sure NM did anything deliberately to be hurtful, I feel I have no valid reason to walk away. Don't know why I should need a REASON exactly, but it just feels appropriate that there should be one?
I've also heard some songs lately, angry songs, and been reading here a bit more than usual and when all combined, my old friend anger has returned with a vengeance. All the memories of all the shit NM has pulled over the years, all the hateful, hurtful things she said during NC, how she tried to turn my extended FOO against me, how she smeared me to everyone who'd listen to her, it just makes me to damned ANGRY at her. On one hand, I want to smash her face into a pulp and, on the other, I wish it were possible to completely open my pain to her and get her to understand so that she would then feel the pain of knowing what she'd done to me. Then I would turn and walk away from her and leave her with no chance of being forgiven or of finding absolution so that she'd just have to ROT for eternity knowing what she'd done, the pain she'd caused. As a mother, I'd find that way worse than being beaten to death and I feel my "mother" deserves all that hell and more. (Seeing the anger yet? LOL)
When I think of all those things, I just want to tell her to go fuck herself and walk away and go back to NC again. Problem is, it would also mean I'd once again catch flack from the extended FOO, some of whom I'm just now finally starting to talk to again and have some form of a positive relationship with.
But then I start thinking to myself, "NM hasn't really done anything that wrong since I've been back in contact with her and it would be cruel to just walk away again considering that. Besides, what happens when two weeks/months/years down the line I long to make contact with her again? It wouldn't be nice to jerk someone around like that and, regardless of what she's done to deserve it, it's not the sort of person *I* want to be." At this point, I start thinking maybe I should just leave things as they are (which is extreme LC, emphasis on the extreme part) only then I start feeling like, "But I wanna tell her off and walk away! I wanna HURT her!" (Okay, so maybe she can't be hurt like a normal person but there's gotta be a way to hurt her to some degree.)
To clarify, I'm hardly sitting here freaking out or all upset about this situation, though it IS on my mind a lot. I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm feeling and decide what I should do. I guess I also don't feel like it's OKAY or appropriate to do what I'm feeling I want to do in regards to telling her off and wanting to hurt her. I know that my anger is righteous and earned and I know that NM has done things to deserve and earn whatever I feel toward her. She's been a shitty mother and a worse human being and, as such, deserves what she gets in the way of people being angry at her, etc. I just so don't want to be one of those people who gets all caught up in being bitter, angry and wanting revenge, ya know? While NC, I thought I'd forgiven NM - for MY sake - and let go of most all of the anger and bitterness and now here it is again, full force and I'm just like, "Damn! I thought I'd made more progress than this! Will this ever end? Will I ever finally be free of all this?" My T, bless her, just keeps saying, "It's a process." but I am BEYOND ready for this freaking process to be OVER, KWIM?
In talking with dh about this last night, it also occurred to me that what I want most of all is to be right. Dr. Phil often will ask his guests, "Do you want to fix this and heal from it or do you wanna be right?". Ideally, I'd say both but if I had to pick one, at this point, I want to be right. It feels GOOD to hear people say that my NM is a nutjob an that I'm right to stay as far away from her as possible. For so many years I was told I was wrong/bad/stupid/over-reacting/too sensitive/etc. and for once I just wanna be right. The problem is, the "high" that comes from that kind of validation only lasts for so long and then I'm right back to needing another "fix".
Not sure what I'm looking for here exactly. I mostly just needed to get all this out of my head. (And maybe be heard?)
Thanks if you made it this far. I know I can be long-worded sometimes!
Thanks if you made it this far. I know I can be long-worded sometimes!
Hugs,
DA xx
"'m not 100% sure NM did anything deliberately to be hurtful"
ReplyDeleteI suppose my first thought is that it doesn't matter whether she hurt you deliberately or not. Hurt is still hurt, no matter how you slice it. It makes it worse, of course, if it was done on purpose, but either way she's still hurt you.
I think my question for you would be, what has changed? Has your NM really changed? (And what kind of changes are you looking for? Are you expecting a major change, which IMO is probably not likely, or you are thinking more along the lines of, "Well, if she could just be civil and hear me out." You know what I mean? What are your expectations? It's important to have expectations, to lay them out, which I think you have done, and wait to see if they are being followed. If not, you have your answer sort of thing).
That was a lot of rambling. The most important question though is, has she changed? Is she showing any willingness to respect you as her daughter and as a person? Or, are her tactics merely the same as they've always been, with little or no process being made?
I think those are the questions I'd be asking myself if I were in a similar position.
@ Jonsi - I would LOVE IT if NM would merely be willing to shut up for ten seconds and just hear me out/listen to what I have to say. I think I could work with that, ya know? But, to answer your other question, NM hasn't changed ONE BIT. Not even a teeny tiny bit. The (almost) 2 years I didn't speak to her, if anything, she's worse now. Any attempts on my part to try and speak to her about REAL issues - like my feelings re: her actions the past 2 years - were met with denial, telling me how I'D hurt HER or how SHE has/had suffered and excuses. There was ZERO willingness to hear me out, even as she was professing the entire time that, if she ever did something to bother me, to just TELL HER. But the second I'd try to do just that, it was more excuses and "Well, you know, you're not 100% blameless either DA." *roll eyes*
ReplyDeleteIt seems so obvious when I'm giving advice to someone else but, when it's me, it always seems so hard to figure out what's going on, what I should do, etc. :o(
I think the most important thing to note is that you've really already made a decision: ...it's not the sort of person *I* want to be.
ReplyDeleteThe struggle isn't about her, but about the person you want to be in spite of the way you were raised.
Saying your T is right that it's a process, isn't really helpful because it is an explanation but no kind of plan, and what it seems you're looking for is a plan of action, something you can DO. Wanting the feeling of being right means you can do this, this and this. If you're wrong, then you have to do that, that and that. Maybe it's time to decide what type of person you want to be, without taking into consideration the FOO or the NM. Then work on that plan. I think you'll find that as you become the person you want to be, you'll know what to do with the outside family.
Just for the record, I recognize that anger, and it comes and goes. I'm truly not a violent person, but there have been times when I've felt violent. The house has a basement. I would never do this, but there was something about deciding that I would never walk downstairs behind my NM so I wouldn't be tempted to push her. It sounds horrendous, and I would never, in a million years, do such a thing. I wanted to hurt her, and by making this decision I acknowledged my anger and at the same time acknowledged that I chose not to hurt her, in any way. There's nothing I can do about her perceived hurts, but I've chosen to not deliberately hurt her.
Well, my therapist recommends the following for my situation:
ReplyDeleteKeep low contact with Mom. Cutting her off may sound like an easy solution but it's really not.
Be pleasant and nonchalant when you are around her, but if she behaves passive aggressively (or outright aggressively) get out of the situation right away (make an excuse to hang up, don't respond to the email, etc.).
If she's giving you the Silent Treatment, let her. Just maintain that low level of contact that you intended to (i.e. calling once a week) but remember to leave the situation if she's being bad (i.e. hanging up early during your weekly call if she's giving the silent treatment).
This is what I am doing now, but I'm struggling with it and sometimes I wish Mom would do something so outright awful I'd have an excuse to walk away. It's terrible to say, but it would be easier for me to walk away once my grandparents have passed on, as I am only close to one or two cousins and would then feel no obligation to keep attending family parties/etc. if I broke ties with Mom.
Not sure if this comment was helpful but wanted to share my therapist's advice to me about LC.
@ CC - I think this would be excellent advice provided I was able to achieve and maintain some emotional distance from my NM. Unfortunately, even her giving me the silent treatment for two weeks (or my perception that that is what was going on which I'm still convinced was the case) throws me into an emotional tailspin and causes me to lose sleep and be impatient and snippy with my dh and ds among other things.
ReplyDeleteI guess I just see it this way - if this wasn't my mother that I was talking about, would I still try and find a way to pursue a relationship with this person? Probably not.
Another way of looking at it is as if it's a diseased, non-functioning limb on a dog. If the limb isn't working and leaving it attached would mean that the disease would spread and affect the rest of the animal's well being, then why not just remove it?
NM is toxic. Diseased. And if I allow her to remain in my life, then she is going to do her best to contaminate the rest of my life and ruin what little peace and happiness I've been able to carve for myself. She will never stop pushing for more - more contact, more access to ds, etc. - and will do whatever she can to make me suffer until I give in and give her what she wants. With someone like that, I see no point in putting for the effort it would take to have any kind of relationship, ya know?
this is a woman who watched you bleed and cut yourself and didn't do a damn thing about it. i would say she is out of my book.
ReplyDeleteif you want revenge, the best thing to do is go no contact. because that's the only thing she doesn't want. if you were to confront her and yell and scream at her, which you are totally free to do (i'd cheer for you!), it will however only cause her to get mad at you (because angry attacks don't make narcs feel hurt or remorse. it makes them feel like YOU BLASPHEMOUS GIRL! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OUT!!!). the thing your mom thinks you can't do, the thing that keeps your mom's little claws in you, the thing that keeps her STRINGING YOU along, which SHE IS DOING, is she thinks you can't make it without her. she thinks 'ohhh she hasn't left me yet. ohhh she's giving me this little contact, ohhh i can still get my hands on her.' she has had a comfortable little place in your life ALL HER LIFE. despite the fact that she has attacked and viciously attacked you OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. and she keeps doing it, because SHE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. because she THINKS she has this little comfortable place in your life that she's ALWAYS had, that you've ALWAYS allowed her at the most minimum, even though at this point she's tried to burn your life down a billion times.
if you want revenge, show that bitch what she's never seen before and didn't think you were able capable of showing her.
THE DOOR.