Thursday, August 11, 2011

HUGE lightbulb moment...

Was in the tub soaking a little while ago and dh came in and we were talking. I was telling him about my memories that had surfaced and said that I wanted validation. Afterward, dh said firmly that NM's reactions were/are SERIOUSLY fucked up and that he doesn't think she's capable of behaving the way a normal mother would. I started to cry a little at that point as I asked him, "But it's not me?" and dh, bless his heart, said even more firmly, "NO. It is NOT you." and went on to say how perfect and amazing I am and how much of an impact - a positive impact - I've had on his and ds' lives, etc.

I started to cry even harder at that point and dh asked what was wrong. I said to him, "I just feel like a stupid, small burden." Dh asked, "For what?" and I was shocked to hear myself blurt out, albeit in that tiny voice, "For being."

My heart is literally weeping right now for little DA as well as for the adult DA who thinks that she somehow needs to apologize simply for being. Then again, I don't know why it's such a revelation. I've felt like an unwanted inconvenience for as long as I can remember. Even as a very young child, it was clear that I wasn't really wanted, that I was just this inconvenience that my parents - all four of them - had to put up with and it remains that way to this day. I think that if all of them could have erased me and forgotten all about me as they tried to do with each other after the divorce, they would have (quite eagerly) done so.

Is it any wonder that I am a "disturbed angel"? What child/person wouldn't be after going through all that I've been forced to go through and suffer? The greater wonder is that I'm not far more "disturbed" beyond the anxiety, depression and PTSD. I suppose that in itself is a testament to the little warrior within me, that she could survive being made to feel so unwanted, so worthless and yet still refuse to give up.


  1. You are of worth.

    Only a sick parent teaches their child they are a burden. They made the choice to have a child. They made the choice to raise that child as they did. They may not blame that child EVER for their own choices.

    Wrap yourself in the worth that DH and DS see in you until you are able to claim it for yourself, and some day you will see what they see.

    You are lovable and worthy, and you make a good difference in the world simply because you are in it.

  2. I am so sorry you feel this way. You sound so lost; I wish I could take you out for margaritas (if you drink) and give you a big hug!

  3. I like the last part of what you wrote - I think you are a survivor, a warrior-heart. It's amazing that you became the person you are, the MOTHER and WIFE that you are, after having that kind of childhood.

    That says so much about your strengths, your ability to persevere, the fact that you are fundamentally different from your parents, and your worth as a human being.

    Keep going strong!

  4. I think that's very important to repeat: it's not YOU, it's HER(or them).

    Many positive thoughts to you and your self-reclaiming journey!

  5. You are one awesome warrior. I appreciate coming to your page and feeling your strength and your desire to treat your dh and ds better than you were treated. To me, your an amazing woman. Ruth