Was in the tub soaking a little while ago and dh came in and we were talking. I was telling him about my memories that had surfaced and said that I wanted validation. Afterward, dh said firmly that NM's reactions were/are SERIOUSLY fucked up and that he doesn't think she's capable of behaving the way a normal mother would. I started to cry a little at that point as I asked him, "But it's not me?" and dh, bless his heart, said even more firmly, "NO. It is NOT you." and went on to say how perfect and amazing I am and how much of an impact - a positive impact - I've had on his and ds' lives, etc.
I started to cry even harder at that point and dh asked what was wrong. I said to him, "I just feel like a stupid, small burden." Dh asked, "For what?" and I was shocked to hear myself blurt out, albeit in that tiny voice, "For being."
My heart is literally weeping right now for little DA as well as for the adult DA who thinks that she somehow needs to apologize simply for being. Then again, I don't know why it's such a revelation. I've felt like an unwanted inconvenience for as long as I can remember. Even as a very young child, it was clear that I wasn't really wanted, that I was just this inconvenience that my parents - all four of them - had to put up with and it remains that way to this day. I think that if all of them could have erased me and forgotten all about me as they tried to do with each other after the divorce, they would have (quite eagerly) done so.
Is it any wonder that I am a "disturbed angel"? What child/person wouldn't be after going through all that I've been forced to go through and suffer? The greater wonder is that I'm not far more "disturbed" beyond the anxiety, depression and PTSD. I suppose that in itself is a testament to the little warrior within me, that she could survive being made to feel so unwanted, so worthless and yet still refuse to give up.